Halloween is coming. (Psst I don't have a title yet and already that blank line is staring accusingly at me!) I love Halloween, almost as much as Christmas. OMG I just now realized I haven't taken out my decorations yet! See? That's how crazy things are. I'm really not adjusting to this whole work thing very well. I have to work. Really no choice in it. But daa-aaaamn. I'm so tired. And right now it feels a lot like working for free. I hate commission work. I'm working per item, but I still have to wait until the sale goes through.
So, yeah, insert a lot of whine and rant here. Okay. Done? I'm not, but I'll quit for now. I like getting out of the house but I don't like working so much. I don't hate this job, thank god, but I do hate not having time for my other stuff and the stress of having a job. It's hard right now.
Anyways, I'm so not a morning person. The more rarh in a post, the earlier it is I probably wrote it :D
So, I think this weekend I shall decorate for Halloween and make a special Halloween cake. I made a trial run at the recipe and the cake was delicious. I'm picking up my thyroid meds today, so that should help me find the energy. Let's hope so. I'm also taking three kids along to pick up meds at two pharmacies, see my ex to talk about the drama in our children's lives (I'd never go back to being a teenager or young twenties!) and see someone on the way home then off to work. Doesn't that just sound like a grand day?
MAYBE, I'll get to buy the canvas I need and the baking pan I need and the electric fireplace since we have no heat in the house and get to write today. Likely? No, but I can wish, can't I?
I'm feeling pretty darn negative right now. Sorry :( The things going on in my life are the kind of things that make my artistic endeavors hard/impossible and it frustrates me. But I'll pull through. I always do!
Stress is going to either keep me motivated or it's going to kill me. I vote for the former. So here's to keeping motivated!
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
THE DAY JOB part 2
Hello, I'm back with part 2 of THE DAY JOB. lol everytime I type THE DAY JOB I hear a deep voice with quick echo and ominous music. In some ways, I find this funny--and sad.
Let's clarify here. I've had many jobs. MANY MANY JOBS. I've done and tried everything looking for a real job. Plus I've been willing to try anything to bring in extra money to keep my family from the pit of despair. Short lists of jobs I've had:
Firefighter (volunteer, but it brought in small amounts of money)
Realtor
Newspaper stuffer
Courtesy clerk
Gas station cashier
EMT
Tupperware consultant (I rocked at this until my first divorce. Was Executive manager for a while)
Realtors assistant
Catch all at radio station-did everything from fill out logs to write copy. This job was fun.
Bookkeeper
Insurance Agent (worked at same place I was bookkeeper)
Securites (this was tied into my Insurance job)
Waitress
Farm Labouror
Casino Security
This is a sampling. I'm sure there are more that I'm not remembering right now. All affected me in various ways and taught me various things. Some I can no longer do, even if I get the classes done because of my health, some you would have to pay me about a million dollars a year to do again (Insurance and waitress) and I mean gauraunteed money :P but none of them, except maybe the job at the radio station, were my true calling--writing and painting.
Now that you've seen I can work wherever needed, I'm going to tell you about the job I had the longest that was the hardest: Bookkeeping/Insurance/Securities
It started out as a part time job to help a friend with his taxes. I used to fill out my own stuff for Tupperware and told him I could learn the rest of what I needed for him. It started out as a simple job, 16 hours or less. I would take all his reciepts floating around in the boxes since 1996 (this was in early 2003) and keep him current. Also, help when payroll came around and do payroll. No sweat. Payroll twice a month for five people? Easy peasy. And it was. Nate had full time job that brought home 600/wk after health ins and daycare, I had a job and I went back to school and we started building a house. Great right?
Well, yeah. For about 2 months. Than my husband lost his job. No problem, my boss needed more help doing the insurance side of things, so I started working more hours until I was up to 40+ a week so that end of it, though tight, cuz I didn't make near as much as he did, but that wasn't the problem.
See, my boss, while a wonderful person, is a terrible business manager both financially and in dealing with personnell. He'd had me start while one of his gals were on Vacation. She was on a vacation for a month. I didn't think much of it, except knowing him for five years previously, I did call him a chicken with a little laugh. Turns out, it wasn't a laughing matter.
He was afraid of her. She was bitchy, bossy and hated me because I was white. She was, and remains, one of the most racist people I've ever met who hid it behind a cloak of polite snobbery until people's backk's were turned. She hated anyone not Mexicano. Period. She ruled her house with an iron hand and tried to do it at the office. The boss and his brother, mostly just smiled and ignored her and did things the way they did. The other gal, a proper Mexican woman (I'm using her assessment, not mine) was under her thumb and always retained a repectful demeanor to her.
Then came me. I started tracking all his money. His tills everything. He was losing a minimum of 100 dollars a week in the tills. I am not going to tell you what we discovered or how, but that five years later when he closed down, we no longer were losing money from till, but were still trying to catch up from previous years.
I pointed it out. Asked everyone to be more careful in their accounting and in tracking sales slips that needed further tracking. Asked in front of boss so they knew he wanted it, just didn't know how to explain the problem. Well, then came the woman from his auxillary office. See, I went to the other office, looking for any tax records, receipts, etc and also to fill in while on vacation...
Well, I got a LOT of comments about how she was never there, especially between these hours and these hours. So I started tracking her time cards. Always they said the same thing. A little more research and watching and taking complaints from customers reveals she leaves for more than an hour to get her kids etc, to take her mom hither and dither, go to appointments, and meet her hubby whenever she wanted to. Which is fine. One of the benefits of working for a small town employer, is they get the family thing. What wasn't fine was that the time card wasn't reflecting all this time off.
Her excuse? It's her break. My response? Your break is fifteen minutes. not an hour and a half. Bosses response, "I'll talk to her" results? nothing. He still paid out over 3k. I tracked for six months how many hours she actually worked and how much time she was paid for and showed him. Her average work week by the time we closed down? 12 hours. the time she claimed? 40+. Some people might say so what? why was it your problem. Well for a myriad of reasons.
One, he hired me to help him quit losing money and get his taxes in order.
Two, turned out he hired me to be a buffer between him and all this crap.
Three, asking me to do payroll meant that I had to make sure it was accurate
Four, when money was short, I was the first one, after him, to have to wait for a check. See that last reason there???? yeah, if I'm not getting paid for the hours I'm working, she sh=ure as hell shouldn't be getting paid for the hours she WASN;t working just because she had an elite sense of self and what someone owed her.
And it was blatant. Our daughters did sports together. I was score keeper one season. WE had a game at a place approx 30 miles from us. When the bus rolled in, at 3:40 she was already there with the grandma. So, she had to have left before 3 to get the grandma and get to the away game. NO problems there as our boss pretty much let us do anything family related if cleared it first. But then came time to turn in time cards. I took the sports scheduled, told the boss the set up then showed him how she shows not leaving until 5:30. I had proof this time. Did it matter?? nope. She honestly felt that it was her RIGHT to go to every single game AND get paid for it. That kind of mentality pisses me off.
In the meantime, the first woman I spoke of, who'd previously hated the "other" woman for the reasons I've pointed out, came to like her. They both bitched about me. What did they have to bitch about?? I was all of the sudden there, making things come to light that they'd rather have been kept hidden. The first woman retaliated in a hundred little ways. Taling about me badly in Spanish thinking I didn't know any. I don't know a lot, but I know the basics and the more business I did in Spanish, the more I remembered. When it didn't deter me, (remember, husband lost job soon after I started. Was kind of stuck) she began to retaliate in other ways. Letting her children use my computer after hours, which no one was supposed to do because of the financial stuff on it. She tried to deny it, but I had the auto-fill feature on and could show the boss her kids' names on stuff. Then things would disappear. Then came the big retailiation--bleach.
The office was in an old strip mall. How old? It was a cinder block rectangle. There was water and electric hook up, but no ventilation system. We had a thin strip at one end. One day, I come in while they're cleaning and start having trouble breathing. They used way too much bleach in the water and were mopping the floors.
I didn't say anything. I have asthma and figured was having bad day. I did what had to be done then went home. I wasn't having bad day. I was fine within 10 min of leaving the office. Soon, she figured out the bleach thing gave me problem and went from using 2 cups in two gallons to over half the bucket was bleach. I couldn't even walk in the door without asthma trouble. The boss was torn. He liked the clean office but didn't like having his bookkeeper and now licensed agent (she was not licensed even after taking multiple classes boss paid for) leave from ashtma trouble (which I made him pay me for anyway cuz he didn't do anything.) Finally, I told him it was an L&I issue. she wasn't using the chemicals properly and he either did something or I walked. I had been trying to get another job, any job, but I was over qualified for most or they didn't believe I'd take the cut in pay. So we took all the bleach out fo the office and the aerosols because of same problem and replaced them with pretty smelling pine sole and the other spray air freshner. Same brand, same smells, just not aerosol.
Guess what happened? She brought her own bleach from home. By this point, I hate my job. I've been given tons of responsibility, no authority, and he wouldn't pay the taxes as I suggested. And I wasn't getting any back up. His reason? didn't believe in nepotism. I just about had a stroke. Literally. I felt my blood pressure rise, my eye ticked and the fury just went beserk. By this point I'd gone without a check on time mulitple times. Doesn't believe in nepotism??MY ASS. IF I CAN SUFFER CUZ I'M YOUR FRIEND YOU CAN SURE AS HELL STICK UP FOR ME! yeah. not a good time all around.
I called L&I and confirmed the improper use of chemicals issue, yeah 2 gallons of bleach to mop floors isn't good. seriously, she was only adding water cuz she thought she had to, but it was barely a cup or two by this point. Then she started leaving the nail polish and nail polish remover lids off after spraying her hair with aerosol hairspray on mornings she knew I was coming in for a meeting, purposefully trying to give me an asthma attack so I'd have to leave. How do I know it was on purpose? Well this super fastiduous, non clumsy person, left one out on the desk and the polish? She dumped it out in her garbage can. And no, where here garbage was located under her desk, there is no way she accidentally spilled that much in there without getting it on her clothes/legs, her chair, or her desk. I confronted her and my boss this time. WE're talking almost four years of this by this point.
When my boss tried to talk to her she said I needed to get a new nose. Multiple times, she said this. My asthma was immaterial and everything she heard from our boss only gave her ammunition. The last time, when the boss showed up before she'd really covered her tracks, the boss gave me money out of his pocket and told me to go home and take my kids to the movies later and he'd deal with her.
She ended up calling L&I herself and found out that no, you're not supposed to use chemicals other than how instructed on labels, no you can't use chemicals from home just because you don't like the ones the boss provides, and no, you're not supposed to be doing anything, espiecially not on purpose, that gives your co-workers health issues.
She hated my guts and quit cleaning the office, so I ended up doing it. I hired my daughter to help after going throught the pain in the ass process of getting a minor license. (it really is a HUGE hassel. you know any company that hires under eighteen give them your support. They're going the extra mile-no ten miles- to make that possible.)
I HATED MY JOB. I HATED MY WORK ENVIRONMENT. I tried writing in notebooks. At first, it helped. I tried writing on the computer on my lunch breaks and before scheduled work time. My home computer had bit the dust by then. I'd get started but couldn't find the creativity to continue. I was tired. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
I took a couple of art classes which also helped. But it was hard to find the time or energy to paint either, especially after class was over. I had written a story in the mid 1990's which I typed up on an old word processor. I'd found the print out and looked into self publishing. It was expensive. I was trying desperately to find a way out, but the energy to write couldn't be found.
Side note: During all of this, I also had a thyroid problem which kept getting down played as a goiter and turned out to be cancer. I was tired all the time. I finally had surgery becaue the "goiter" got large enough to be considered a serious breathing problem (doc said prob stress of job because I'd branched out as my own insurance agent and the stress had quadrupled. I was trying to get away!) The resulting lab work proved that I had cancer despite the multiple biopsies that had said negative. I had to get another surgery done and then radiation. Then I was on low doses which increased until my current dose.
Then money forced him to let people go. Those two women ended up going. Mainly because their husbands had jobs and they were costing him the most. They went on unemployment, he gave them recommendations for new job, and we struggled to get taxes paid and the tills back to where they needed to be.
a few months later, he rehired the woman from the other office--without mentioning it to me. I found out when time cards were put in. I was livid. I'd just bought a car after confirming with him we weren't hiring anyone else or back because I knew if we did, I wouldn't be able to count on my check on time. (I was right!)
So yeah, creativity was so washed out by this point, I'd forget I ever wanted to be a writer until I'd come across a story I'd started. Then sadness would fill me and I'd determine that I was going to try and write. A few more pages would get written but then the will would be there, but nothing. I'd sit and look at a blank page. Why? It wasn't writer's block. It wasn't fear of the blank page. I just couldn't be creative. My job was sucking the life out of me. I joke about a muse, etc. but I'm really of the mind set that you can write, edit, learn or do something to improve your writing even if you're not in the mood. Even reading in your genre as it's a necessary part of writing. But there were times I couldn't even read. I tried to keep doing other things, like crochet. But it took a five day hospital stay for asthma in order for me to be able to do that. I got a good deal finished on the heirloom Christmas Stocking I was working on. And yes, I finished it lol It was the second one I've done. With babies and my eyes, it's hard to do them now. I need good glasses, good light, and free time from kids, but yes, this fast and loose, highly disorganized person is excellent at cross stitching.
Finally, the agent retired and I was forced to quit working for him. I quit my insurance job as I'd been offered a job at the sherriff's office, which didn't happen because of the previous job. The details of which I'm not going into because I'm still looking for a lawyer. (You know a good business lawyer in WA state I have an EXCELLENT case for libel. Specific repeated libel that cost a government job) Any ways, I got out of the job and since I had more time on my hands, I did firefighting again and started writing.
My first querly letter went to Jessica Faust. It said something like this. "I've written a Harlequin Intrigue. You want to see it?" I kid you not. I'd been able to find enough information with the little skills I had to know you needed one but not enough information on how to write one. She was kind. Very kind. In fact, now that I know what's entailed she was deliciously wonderfully beautifully considerate and compassionate. She will always hold a soft spot in my heart :) I progressed from there. Each year, I've gotten stronger and more defiant to those around me regarding my writing. I make time for my kids, but I've become vocal in telling them all I need to write. They need to do their chores without me hounding them (especialy the teens) and the last six months, I've become absolutiely rabid about it if I don't get my writing time. My daughter's near death and other health problems put it on hold for a bit, but it never went away. I've learned a lot about myself and writing since that time.
Class discussion: What could have been done differently on my part to help me find time for writing (and painting or whateverit is you love to do)? What attitudes do we need to bring to bear to our writing because others won't? I wish that I understood now, what I understood before. I'm going to use that to show you what NOT to do, and how to get yourself where you want to be. So please, comment!
Let's clarify here. I've had many jobs. MANY MANY JOBS. I've done and tried everything looking for a real job. Plus I've been willing to try anything to bring in extra money to keep my family from the pit of despair. Short lists of jobs I've had:
Firefighter (volunteer, but it brought in small amounts of money)
Realtor
Newspaper stuffer
Courtesy clerk
Gas station cashier
EMT
Tupperware consultant (I rocked at this until my first divorce. Was Executive manager for a while)
Realtors assistant
Catch all at radio station-did everything from fill out logs to write copy. This job was fun.
Bookkeeper
Insurance Agent (worked at same place I was bookkeeper)
Securites (this was tied into my Insurance job)
Waitress
Farm Labouror
Casino Security
This is a sampling. I'm sure there are more that I'm not remembering right now. All affected me in various ways and taught me various things. Some I can no longer do, even if I get the classes done because of my health, some you would have to pay me about a million dollars a year to do again (Insurance and waitress) and I mean gauraunteed money :P but none of them, except maybe the job at the radio station, were my true calling--writing and painting.
Now that you've seen I can work wherever needed, I'm going to tell you about the job I had the longest that was the hardest: Bookkeeping/Insurance/Securities
It started out as a part time job to help a friend with his taxes. I used to fill out my own stuff for Tupperware and told him I could learn the rest of what I needed for him. It started out as a simple job, 16 hours or less. I would take all his reciepts floating around in the boxes since 1996 (this was in early 2003) and keep him current. Also, help when payroll came around and do payroll. No sweat. Payroll twice a month for five people? Easy peasy. And it was. Nate had full time job that brought home 600/wk after health ins and daycare, I had a job and I went back to school and we started building a house. Great right?
Well, yeah. For about 2 months. Than my husband lost his job. No problem, my boss needed more help doing the insurance side of things, so I started working more hours until I was up to 40+ a week so that end of it, though tight, cuz I didn't make near as much as he did, but that wasn't the problem.
See, my boss, while a wonderful person, is a terrible business manager both financially and in dealing with personnell. He'd had me start while one of his gals were on Vacation. She was on a vacation for a month. I didn't think much of it, except knowing him for five years previously, I did call him a chicken with a little laugh. Turns out, it wasn't a laughing matter.
He was afraid of her. She was bitchy, bossy and hated me because I was white. She was, and remains, one of the most racist people I've ever met who hid it behind a cloak of polite snobbery until people's backk's were turned. She hated anyone not Mexicano. Period. She ruled her house with an iron hand and tried to do it at the office. The boss and his brother, mostly just smiled and ignored her and did things the way they did. The other gal, a proper Mexican woman (I'm using her assessment, not mine) was under her thumb and always retained a repectful demeanor to her.
Then came me. I started tracking all his money. His tills everything. He was losing a minimum of 100 dollars a week in the tills. I am not going to tell you what we discovered or how, but that five years later when he closed down, we no longer were losing money from till, but were still trying to catch up from previous years.
I pointed it out. Asked everyone to be more careful in their accounting and in tracking sales slips that needed further tracking. Asked in front of boss so they knew he wanted it, just didn't know how to explain the problem. Well, then came the woman from his auxillary office. See, I went to the other office, looking for any tax records, receipts, etc and also to fill in while on vacation...
Well, I got a LOT of comments about how she was never there, especially between these hours and these hours. So I started tracking her time cards. Always they said the same thing. A little more research and watching and taking complaints from customers reveals she leaves for more than an hour to get her kids etc, to take her mom hither and dither, go to appointments, and meet her hubby whenever she wanted to. Which is fine. One of the benefits of working for a small town employer, is they get the family thing. What wasn't fine was that the time card wasn't reflecting all this time off.
Her excuse? It's her break. My response? Your break is fifteen minutes. not an hour and a half. Bosses response, "I'll talk to her" results? nothing. He still paid out over 3k. I tracked for six months how many hours she actually worked and how much time she was paid for and showed him. Her average work week by the time we closed down? 12 hours. the time she claimed? 40+. Some people might say so what? why was it your problem. Well for a myriad of reasons.
One, he hired me to help him quit losing money and get his taxes in order.
Two, turned out he hired me to be a buffer between him and all this crap.
Three, asking me to do payroll meant that I had to make sure it was accurate
Four, when money was short, I was the first one, after him, to have to wait for a check. See that last reason there???? yeah, if I'm not getting paid for the hours I'm working, she sh=ure as hell shouldn't be getting paid for the hours she WASN;t working just because she had an elite sense of self and what someone owed her.
And it was blatant. Our daughters did sports together. I was score keeper one season. WE had a game at a place approx 30 miles from us. When the bus rolled in, at 3:40 she was already there with the grandma. So, she had to have left before 3 to get the grandma and get to the away game. NO problems there as our boss pretty much let us do anything family related if cleared it first. But then came time to turn in time cards. I took the sports scheduled, told the boss the set up then showed him how she shows not leaving until 5:30. I had proof this time. Did it matter?? nope. She honestly felt that it was her RIGHT to go to every single game AND get paid for it. That kind of mentality pisses me off.
In the meantime, the first woman I spoke of, who'd previously hated the "other" woman for the reasons I've pointed out, came to like her. They both bitched about me. What did they have to bitch about?? I was all of the sudden there, making things come to light that they'd rather have been kept hidden. The first woman retaliated in a hundred little ways. Taling about me badly in Spanish thinking I didn't know any. I don't know a lot, but I know the basics and the more business I did in Spanish, the more I remembered. When it didn't deter me, (remember, husband lost job soon after I started. Was kind of stuck) she began to retaliate in other ways. Letting her children use my computer after hours, which no one was supposed to do because of the financial stuff on it. She tried to deny it, but I had the auto-fill feature on and could show the boss her kids' names on stuff. Then things would disappear. Then came the big retailiation--bleach.
The office was in an old strip mall. How old? It was a cinder block rectangle. There was water and electric hook up, but no ventilation system. We had a thin strip at one end. One day, I come in while they're cleaning and start having trouble breathing. They used way too much bleach in the water and were mopping the floors.
I didn't say anything. I have asthma and figured was having bad day. I did what had to be done then went home. I wasn't having bad day. I was fine within 10 min of leaving the office. Soon, she figured out the bleach thing gave me problem and went from using 2 cups in two gallons to over half the bucket was bleach. I couldn't even walk in the door without asthma trouble. The boss was torn. He liked the clean office but didn't like having his bookkeeper and now licensed agent (she was not licensed even after taking multiple classes boss paid for) leave from ashtma trouble (which I made him pay me for anyway cuz he didn't do anything.) Finally, I told him it was an L&I issue. she wasn't using the chemicals properly and he either did something or I walked. I had been trying to get another job, any job, but I was over qualified for most or they didn't believe I'd take the cut in pay. So we took all the bleach out fo the office and the aerosols because of same problem and replaced them with pretty smelling pine sole and the other spray air freshner. Same brand, same smells, just not aerosol.
Guess what happened? She brought her own bleach from home. By this point, I hate my job. I've been given tons of responsibility, no authority, and he wouldn't pay the taxes as I suggested. And I wasn't getting any back up. His reason? didn't believe in nepotism. I just about had a stroke. Literally. I felt my blood pressure rise, my eye ticked and the fury just went beserk. By this point I'd gone without a check on time mulitple times. Doesn't believe in nepotism??MY ASS. IF I CAN SUFFER CUZ I'M YOUR FRIEND YOU CAN SURE AS HELL STICK UP FOR ME! yeah. not a good time all around.
I called L&I and confirmed the improper use of chemicals issue, yeah 2 gallons of bleach to mop floors isn't good. seriously, she was only adding water cuz she thought she had to, but it was barely a cup or two by this point. Then she started leaving the nail polish and nail polish remover lids off after spraying her hair with aerosol hairspray on mornings she knew I was coming in for a meeting, purposefully trying to give me an asthma attack so I'd have to leave. How do I know it was on purpose? Well this super fastiduous, non clumsy person, left one out on the desk and the polish? She dumped it out in her garbage can. And no, where here garbage was located under her desk, there is no way she accidentally spilled that much in there without getting it on her clothes/legs, her chair, or her desk. I confronted her and my boss this time. WE're talking almost four years of this by this point.
When my boss tried to talk to her she said I needed to get a new nose. Multiple times, she said this. My asthma was immaterial and everything she heard from our boss only gave her ammunition. The last time, when the boss showed up before she'd really covered her tracks, the boss gave me money out of his pocket and told me to go home and take my kids to the movies later and he'd deal with her.
She ended up calling L&I herself and found out that no, you're not supposed to use chemicals other than how instructed on labels, no you can't use chemicals from home just because you don't like the ones the boss provides, and no, you're not supposed to be doing anything, espiecially not on purpose, that gives your co-workers health issues.
She hated my guts and quit cleaning the office, so I ended up doing it. I hired my daughter to help after going throught the pain in the ass process of getting a minor license. (it really is a HUGE hassel. you know any company that hires under eighteen give them your support. They're going the extra mile-no ten miles- to make that possible.)
I HATED MY JOB. I HATED MY WORK ENVIRONMENT. I tried writing in notebooks. At first, it helped. I tried writing on the computer on my lunch breaks and before scheduled work time. My home computer had bit the dust by then. I'd get started but couldn't find the creativity to continue. I was tired. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
I took a couple of art classes which also helped. But it was hard to find the time or energy to paint either, especially after class was over. I had written a story in the mid 1990's which I typed up on an old word processor. I'd found the print out and looked into self publishing. It was expensive. I was trying desperately to find a way out, but the energy to write couldn't be found.
Side note: During all of this, I also had a thyroid problem which kept getting down played as a goiter and turned out to be cancer. I was tired all the time. I finally had surgery becaue the "goiter" got large enough to be considered a serious breathing problem (doc said prob stress of job because I'd branched out as my own insurance agent and the stress had quadrupled. I was trying to get away!) The resulting lab work proved that I had cancer despite the multiple biopsies that had said negative. I had to get another surgery done and then radiation. Then I was on low doses which increased until my current dose.
Then money forced him to let people go. Those two women ended up going. Mainly because their husbands had jobs and they were costing him the most. They went on unemployment, he gave them recommendations for new job, and we struggled to get taxes paid and the tills back to where they needed to be.
a few months later, he rehired the woman from the other office--without mentioning it to me. I found out when time cards were put in. I was livid. I'd just bought a car after confirming with him we weren't hiring anyone else or back because I knew if we did, I wouldn't be able to count on my check on time. (I was right!)
So yeah, creativity was so washed out by this point, I'd forget I ever wanted to be a writer until I'd come across a story I'd started. Then sadness would fill me and I'd determine that I was going to try and write. A few more pages would get written but then the will would be there, but nothing. I'd sit and look at a blank page. Why? It wasn't writer's block. It wasn't fear of the blank page. I just couldn't be creative. My job was sucking the life out of me. I joke about a muse, etc. but I'm really of the mind set that you can write, edit, learn or do something to improve your writing even if you're not in the mood. Even reading in your genre as it's a necessary part of writing. But there were times I couldn't even read. I tried to keep doing other things, like crochet. But it took a five day hospital stay for asthma in order for me to be able to do that. I got a good deal finished on the heirloom Christmas Stocking I was working on. And yes, I finished it lol It was the second one I've done. With babies and my eyes, it's hard to do them now. I need good glasses, good light, and free time from kids, but yes, this fast and loose, highly disorganized person is excellent at cross stitching.
Finally, the agent retired and I was forced to quit working for him. I quit my insurance job as I'd been offered a job at the sherriff's office, which didn't happen because of the previous job. The details of which I'm not going into because I'm still looking for a lawyer. (You know a good business lawyer in WA state I have an EXCELLENT case for libel. Specific repeated libel that cost a government job) Any ways, I got out of the job and since I had more time on my hands, I did firefighting again and started writing.
My first querly letter went to Jessica Faust. It said something like this. "I've written a Harlequin Intrigue. You want to see it?" I kid you not. I'd been able to find enough information with the little skills I had to know you needed one but not enough information on how to write one. She was kind. Very kind. In fact, now that I know what's entailed she was deliciously wonderfully beautifully considerate and compassionate. She will always hold a soft spot in my heart :) I progressed from there. Each year, I've gotten stronger and more defiant to those around me regarding my writing. I make time for my kids, but I've become vocal in telling them all I need to write. They need to do their chores without me hounding them (especialy the teens) and the last six months, I've become absolutiely rabid about it if I don't get my writing time. My daughter's near death and other health problems put it on hold for a bit, but it never went away. I've learned a lot about myself and writing since that time.
Class discussion: What could have been done differently on my part to help me find time for writing (and painting or whateverit is you love to do)? What attitudes do we need to bring to bear to our writing because others won't? I wish that I understood now, what I understood before. I'm going to use that to show you what NOT to do, and how to get yourself where you want to be. So please, comment!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I wrote a bloooooggg :P
Looks like I'll be getting some sleep after posting this :D My new site is up and running and starting one day this week, I'll be posting blogs over there as well as here. Not the same blog, mind you, although they'll most likely be related somehow. My mind wanders where it will and that's what I'll write about. The blogs I try to force are the ones that come out as the most unintersting.
I have so much writing on the horizon that I'm doubly glad I got over the stress blockers! I have so much to do!
Which reminds me, I have a serial to polish and send off! Now I have to remember what my CP tweeted me about it...only something minor so no biggie. he he.
My brain should feel fried. You know how hard I worked on editing today? hard! but it was worth it! IN the course of my writing career, I've gone from too much back story to not enough details except when I like to throw the double adjectives in :D Mostly, it can work in the thriller genre, but I also write fantasy. It will NOT work there. I'll have to work on it.
I'm thinking that before I had to put my life on pause during my daughter's recent illness, I'd thought of having a special day of the week dedicated to writing mechanics. Is there enough to fill a day aweek? possible. I shall try :D
For now, I'm going to go get that sleep I'm craving! You think about back story and exposition because I do believer that's what we're going to tackle first in a very open forum! I'll also have the grand opening of my website very soon!! Stay tuned for details!b
I have so much writing on the horizon that I'm doubly glad I got over the stress blockers! I have so much to do!
Which reminds me, I have a serial to polish and send off! Now I have to remember what my CP tweeted me about it...only something minor so no biggie. he he.
My brain should feel fried. You know how hard I worked on editing today? hard! but it was worth it! IN the course of my writing career, I've gone from too much back story to not enough details except when I like to throw the double adjectives in :D Mostly, it can work in the thriller genre, but I also write fantasy. It will NOT work there. I'll have to work on it.
I'm thinking that before I had to put my life on pause during my daughter's recent illness, I'd thought of having a special day of the week dedicated to writing mechanics. Is there enough to fill a day aweek? possible. I shall try :D
For now, I'm going to go get that sleep I'm craving! You think about back story and exposition because I do believer that's what we're going to tackle first in a very open forum! I'll also have the grand opening of my website very soon!! Stay tuned for details!b
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Is stress stopping you?
So after posting my Friday excerpt, I read it. And guess what I found? Errors. Yep. That's the problem with changing tenses :P
Oh well, I think I fixed them. We shall see. Waiting to hear from the lovely Anne-Mhairi or my other reader who was kind enough to explain all the POV issues. I'm trying to convince myself I'm not going to destroy this one during edits which is my worst quality as a writer. I have a paranormal that I have specific recommendations of what to do (not put an i her or an e here but add to this part of the story, etc.) and I'm afraid of messing that up as well LOL
I need to breathe and do it. Part of the problem is my family really needs the money, so I'm feeling the pressure twice as bad. I can't afford to mess up my two best stories I have going on right now.
Anyone out there have that problem? Does money or time pressure you into being afraid of messing up? For me it's not time, but I've heard that can be bad. Share with me your stories and what you do to decrease your stress-besides eating chocolate. I can't do that 24/7. My hips have vetoed that option! lol What do you all do to relieve stress?
Oh well, I think I fixed them. We shall see. Waiting to hear from the lovely Anne-Mhairi or my other reader who was kind enough to explain all the POV issues. I'm trying to convince myself I'm not going to destroy this one during edits which is my worst quality as a writer. I have a paranormal that I have specific recommendations of what to do (not put an i her or an e here but add to this part of the story, etc.) and I'm afraid of messing that up as well LOL
I need to breathe and do it. Part of the problem is my family really needs the money, so I'm feeling the pressure twice as bad. I can't afford to mess up my two best stories I have going on right now.
Anyone out there have that problem? Does money or time pressure you into being afraid of messing up? For me it's not time, but I've heard that can be bad. Share with me your stories and what you do to decrease your stress-besides eating chocolate. I can't do that 24/7. My hips have vetoed that option! lol What do you all do to relieve stress?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Back to School
My kids go back to school Wednesday. It's so late compared to the rest of the valley. A week later than almost everyone. Weird. Anyway, this past week has seen me grow a year older. Has wisdom come with that? We shall see. I'm having problems with my 19 year old daughter who seems to think she can be a disrespectful bully and then come and go as she pleases.
When I sent a box of things with grandma she was staying with a got a lot of cuss words with the obligatory, "I appreciate the gesture" thrown in so she can say she said it. But, when its interspersed with WTF and S*&&& and so on about how I'm just going to piss her off if I rush her in getting her stuff out, it loses it's impact of being grateful.
She left calling me names and being disrespectful. She walked out because she didn't want to stop her tantrum that I wasn't doing things her way. Fine, just not going to be here and act that way. So, rather than get herself under control, she hit things and screamed and walked out. (She has bipolar, and needs help. Alas, since she was over 18 before anyone took me seriously about it, I can do nothing about it.) She has since talked to me after disowning two of her brothers and me.
But it's been a falseness. A, "I'm the martyr because I'm still talking to you," attitude. When in reality, she should be asking for forgiveness. She also seems to think I have to leave her room the way it is until she decides to come get her stuff. Um, no. You left. I have stuff coming out of storage and a refriderator and freezer that I need to make room for.
Oh, but she has a plan. And I'm just going to piss her off if I try to rush her. Those were her exact words. Why does she think it matters to me? Nearly all of our fights are becasue I don't bow down to her bullying me to do something the way she wants me to or let her do something the way she wants. I realized last week that was exactly what she was doing--being a bully. Sigh. It's hard having a child with bipolar.
The good news is that since she's left, the level of stress in my household has dropped exponetionally. Now, instead of boys constantly fighting each other and me, I have "normal levels" of grumpy and "I don't want to" when faced with boredom or chores.
They are saying please again, excuse me, etc. I was able to take a nap with no yelling and fighting (something I haven't been able to do all summer). I hadn't realized how much violence was bred into her bipolar problem.
School is almost ready to start. I can't wait. Writing time. I hope. LOL We are the most ready for school than we've been in five years :) I haven't got new backpacks because they were on sale for 18. I have a first grader and fourth grader who drop their packs and run to the nearest playground. NOT spending 20 bucks on their book bags. I also have to buy a ruler cuz I stepped on the only 12 inch ruler we have and it broke. Big surprise there.
Although, I didn't buy ALL their supplies. I refuse. Four big boxes of Kleenex AND four boxes of wipes???? My child wouldn't use that in a year at home. Hello. So, I'm sending two boxes of each. One for my child, one for someone who can't afford it. I can always send more after Christmas.
The other extravagance that I see is the dry erase markers. 5?? really? of the same color??? Yeah, I don't think so. Plus, I know my child. Having five will cause him to lose more and not keep track of the one he's using. I'm sending two. Again, I can send more later if the marker is actually for his use. (They don't ask for a board, just the markers and erasers??? Maybe school has boards??) Anyway, except for a few refusals on my part, and binders that I'm getting next weekend when I see how many my teenager needs, we're ready. I love it.
Feels so good to be ready. Now that the bulk of canning is done, just need to do a bit more toms, pears and apples, I'm going to have more free time. I'm going to use some of that time posting pics here and on my friends crochet blog. Plus my writing. I'm so excited. I will have time to myself. And, with my husbands new work schedule, time with him :) Yeah US!
When I sent a box of things with grandma she was staying with a got a lot of cuss words with the obligatory, "I appreciate the gesture" thrown in so she can say she said it. But, when its interspersed with WTF and S*&&& and so on about how I'm just going to piss her off if I rush her in getting her stuff out, it loses it's impact of being grateful.
She left calling me names and being disrespectful. She walked out because she didn't want to stop her tantrum that I wasn't doing things her way. Fine, just not going to be here and act that way. So, rather than get herself under control, she hit things and screamed and walked out. (She has bipolar, and needs help. Alas, since she was over 18 before anyone took me seriously about it, I can do nothing about it.) She has since talked to me after disowning two of her brothers and me.
But it's been a falseness. A, "I'm the martyr because I'm still talking to you," attitude. When in reality, she should be asking for forgiveness. She also seems to think I have to leave her room the way it is until she decides to come get her stuff. Um, no. You left. I have stuff coming out of storage and a refriderator and freezer that I need to make room for.
Oh, but she has a plan. And I'm just going to piss her off if I try to rush her. Those were her exact words. Why does she think it matters to me? Nearly all of our fights are becasue I don't bow down to her bullying me to do something the way she wants me to or let her do something the way she wants. I realized last week that was exactly what she was doing--being a bully. Sigh. It's hard having a child with bipolar.
The good news is that since she's left, the level of stress in my household has dropped exponetionally. Now, instead of boys constantly fighting each other and me, I have "normal levels" of grumpy and "I don't want to" when faced with boredom or chores.
They are saying please again, excuse me, etc. I was able to take a nap with no yelling and fighting (something I haven't been able to do all summer). I hadn't realized how much violence was bred into her bipolar problem.
School is almost ready to start. I can't wait. Writing time. I hope. LOL We are the most ready for school than we've been in five years :) I haven't got new backpacks because they were on sale for 18. I have a first grader and fourth grader who drop their packs and run to the nearest playground. NOT spending 20 bucks on their book bags. I also have to buy a ruler cuz I stepped on the only 12 inch ruler we have and it broke. Big surprise there.
Although, I didn't buy ALL their supplies. I refuse. Four big boxes of Kleenex AND four boxes of wipes???? My child wouldn't use that in a year at home. Hello. So, I'm sending two boxes of each. One for my child, one for someone who can't afford it. I can always send more after Christmas.
The other extravagance that I see is the dry erase markers. 5?? really? of the same color??? Yeah, I don't think so. Plus, I know my child. Having five will cause him to lose more and not keep track of the one he's using. I'm sending two. Again, I can send more later if the marker is actually for his use. (They don't ask for a board, just the markers and erasers??? Maybe school has boards??) Anyway, except for a few refusals on my part, and binders that I'm getting next weekend when I see how many my teenager needs, we're ready. I love it.
Feels so good to be ready. Now that the bulk of canning is done, just need to do a bit more toms, pears and apples, I'm going to have more free time. I'm going to use some of that time posting pics here and on my friends crochet blog. Plus my writing. I'm so excited. I will have time to myself. And, with my husbands new work schedule, time with him :) Yeah US!
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