Thoughts of the day

From the New Yorker, an update on the Horace Mann sex abuse and cover-up scandal.

This NY Times story via SWJ matches my prognostication and encouragement for CU ROTC+ to prepare Columbia cadets to carry out small-scale, surgically delicate missions.

At the Foreign Policy article on OIF, a commenter recommended to me his 'Why We Fight' explanation for OIF.

The villain: The author of this piece, David Sirota, also authored the misinformation/propaganda campaign against President Bush and the Iraq mission. In the Salon piece, he equates libertarian militia with Islamic terrorists. Here is a diluted echo of the same theme by Professor Nacos.

The lectures by Professor Iván Szelényi for Yale course Foundations of Modern Social Thought (SOCY 151) are on youtube. Course page here. According to the Nietzsche lecture, Thus Spake Zarathustra sounds like the Nietzsche book I ought to read.

You know you're a Ray Mears fan when . . . I'm enjoying his Wild Britain series, despite that it's a nature show and not only occasionally a survival show.

An accounting trick to create the appearance of lowered spending in the short term is to eat into the capital reserve. If usage doesn't go down yet spending goes down, the difference has to be made up somewhere.

The classic Aristotle's appeals used in persuasive writing - pathos (emotional), logos (pragmatic, also implying scientific or statistical evidence), and ethos (ethical) - seem to match the Freudian concept of id, ego, and super-ego.

TED talks tidbits. The organizational and family success formula is core and progress. On fear of failure and dabbling.

The growth of Lebron James as a basketball player, as he's profiled in this Grantland piece, reminds me of the artist Louis Comfort Tiffany who made the most of his internal and external advantages.

The moral of the story of Kobe Bryant's failed rap career is that internal vision, talent, motivation, and dedication are necessary but not sufficient. To realize a goal, external steps from the alpha (α or Α) to omega (ω or Ω) must be achieved. On that journey into the world, outside influences, including people with supportive intentions, can misdirect and undermine the project even when the originator hits all of the marks in his plan. The outside factors that click into place in the right or wrong way are normally referred to as luck or fate. Bryant's pursuit of basketball greatness succeeded, but his pursuit of hip-hop greatness failed despite his similar passion and drive for both.

Christopher Knight, the North Pond Hermit who survived in the Maine woods alone for 27 years by foraging (stealing), was captured by an enterprising game warden who set a trap with a motion sensor camera and alarm. Knight doesn't know why he walked into the woods in April 1986. He just did. Impulse, feeling. Add: September 2014 GQ feature story. Add: April 2017 The Atlantic article.

Pro wrestling jargon for a good guy going bad is a face (to) heel turn and a bad guy becoming good is a heel (to) face turn.

Funny youtube series: Retarded Policeman.

The Four Quarters, a Canadian singing group that joined together in HS, sing Pachelbel's Canon in D acapella style. While other videos show off the girls' superior skill and harmony, this one stands out as a beautiful classic that manages to highlight each girl in contrast to their usual trade-off of feature and background roles. What stands out most in the video is the display of modest feminine grace. The unaffected placid harmony and joy in their music and demeanor is enchanting. I hope that quality endures in the girls' performances as they mature. It's special and perhaps even marketable. The light doo-wop "In Time", which was written for them, is catchy. The glimpse into their world supports the notion that outward confidence correlates with outward appearance.

Talented fun Gen Y musical collective cdza or collective cadenza (h/t) pinpoints the sudden vulgar turn of male and female "love" songs in the middle 1990s. (The gorgeous girl singer is Dylan C Moore.)

Don't sleep on Gen Y. I went to college with these kids. They'll remake the country in some ways perhaps uncomfortable for us Gen-Xers, but the Gen-Y kids are more aware and clear headed than we give them credit for being. They have fewer hang-ups than we do. And they are talented. If any American generation can figure out the changing world order, it's them. They might be the last best hope of our country.

HS senior vents in the Wall Street Journal about being rejected by colleges. I predict she will go to law school.

It takes 12 feet or 144 inches of 1/16" diameter accessory cord to make a 39-inch long 3-strand braid. Inefficient but still cool. Right now, I'm using the braid to dummy-cord my laptop's power cable.

The shooter's cliche of "slow is smooth, smooth is fast" also applies to getting out of bed. I was scissoring my legs and swung my right knee into the wood corner of my bedside table. Ouch. Fortunately, there's a little bit of give or else I might have broken something. At least, I don't believe anything is broken in my knee. It's stiff and sore, though.

My Sunbeam electric fryer works since the heating indicator bulb broke, but I'm convinced the temperature is lower, maybe by as much as 100 degrees. My proof is that anything I try to brown with it, such as onions or bacon, is browning much slower than before. The pizza bannock is taking longer to bake and the bottom isn't searing like before. Where my pizza bannock was done in 5-7 minutes before, it's now taking 20 minutes and the crust is lighter colored. Whatever mechanism regulates the temperature is wonky, too - it takes too long to turn back on and makes loud clicking noises. I'm chagrined that the Sunbeam worked for as long as 60 years and then broke while I was using it.

My latest pizza bannock in my Sunbeam failed. The whole middle of the pizza bannock crust stuck fast to the fryer, which hadn't happened before. Part of the blame may be spreading the dough using an oily spoon on a cold unoiled fryer, rather than placing the dough on the heated fryer and flipping and pressing on the crust. I've spread the dough cold before without the bannock sticking like it was glued though.

The burner has a higher temperature than the fryer and with the grill pan works well for making pizza bannock. I eventually may need to buy a cooking pan for the burner if the fryer gets worse.

Everything I cook in my Nesco is cooked in a mixing bowl because the "non-stick" Cookwell flakes.

I adopted the 1-handed 2-utensil tong technique, with one utensil locked in my pinky, ring finger, and middle finger and the other utensil held by my thumb and index finger, after my latest meat flipping fiasco. I was broiling pork in my toaster oven, which is shoulder level, and flipping the pork with a fork when the pork slid off the fork and dropped on the floor. It's the second time I've done that. During the clatter, I caused 2nd degree burns (self diagnosed by the blisters) on the inside of my right wrist and below my left index finger. From now on, I'll use the pseudo-tongs to flip the meat.

Rite Aid, Western Beef, and NSA weekly circulars are on-line. Add: Associated. Add: Big Apple Meat Market.

I'm tempted to buy pork (pernil shoulder) that's on sale for 88 cents a lb. The catch is that it's only sold in a bulk size. I don't know that I'm willing to apportion and freeze 10+ pounds of pork.

I'm struggling to finish the beef liver. I have no doubt it's healthy. It's filling and packed with iron and protein. I'm just not a fan of the taste. The liver ruined what should have been my best pizza bannock to date, made with onions and spinach with sauce and mozzarella. I figured I had enough flavors in the pizza bannock to cover for the liver. I was wrong. I used another slab of liver in my latest bachelor meat sauce pasta. It's still unpleasant tasting, but there's enough flavor in the pasta to cover for the liver. A benefit of adding liver to my pasta is I'm eating it slower.

Speaking of which, my second latest bachelor meat sauce pasta: mix of Barilla elbows (n.41) and farfalle (n.65) pasta, about 8 oz of frozen Perdue fresh ground chicken, about 4 oz slab of beef liver, 1 can 28 oz Marzano crushed tomatoes (works well), 1 can 15.25 oz Green Giant whole kernel sweet corn, 1 box 10 oz Best Yet frozen whole leaf spinach, 1 yellow onion.

I used the remainder of the beef liver in my latest bachelor meat sauce pasta. The notable difference is I used the Nesco and 3-quart mixing bowl to boil the sauce rather than use the Sunbeam to make a a sloppy-joe-style sauce. When boiled, the ground turkey atomized in the sauce rather than clump into chunks as ground meat does when fried. Another more-subtle difference is the lack of cooking oil, which I didn't use, and char flavor in the boiled meat sauce. I'm glad I've finished the liver. Unless I find a very reliable recipe that can overcome the liver taste, I don't anticipate buying liver again.

Cooking Western Beef frozen chopped spinach with my rice works, except I've found that frozen chopped spinach has lost its taste. Frozen whole spinach tastes better.

I've been wearing down a Cook's traditional bone-in, Hickory smoked, super trim, butt portion ham and water product, cured with water, dextrose, salt, sodium phosphate, and sodium nitrite, 4.920 lb chunk that I bought on sale at 1.49/lb. They're not kidding about "23% of weight is added ingredients." The ham shrinks when cooked. The package says "ready-to-eat" but also instructs to "heat through" before eating. I've eaten a few pieces without cooking them. The ham tastes okay but I'm not fond of the unpleasant after-feeling from eating the ham, which I don't get from eating pork that I cooked myself. I think I'll stick to buying raw pork from now on. Given that I need to heat the ham anyway, there's no advantage to it.

Pillsbury chocolate fudge brownie mix brownies are okay.

Sour cream is versatile: butter substitute on toast, pasta creamer, brownie topping, cheese substitute for pizza bannock (in a pinch). Cue the grandmotherly voice-over in the Frank's Red Hot radio spot: "I put that beep on everything."

I've eaten a pizza bannock and a bowl of spinach, onion, and egg boiled rice (using the Salton rice cooker and 1 quart mixing bowl, turned out not bad) today, and I'm still hungry. I'm boiling the remainder of the Perciatelli pasta now in the Salton rice cooker (broken into thirds to fit). Update: Pasta with sauce, hot sauce, and sour cream. Yum. That should hold me over for the night.

The Perciatelli pasta looks interesting, like exceptionally thick spaghetti, but it actually has a hollow core. I don't know the purpose of the hollow core or whether it's just a different look.

Roger Ebert (RIP) advocated for rice cooker cooking and I agree. I'm satisfied with my bachelor cookware that co-stars my rice cooker in the ensemble, though I mourn my wounded Sunbeam electric frying pan, which had been the star of the set. With my Sunbeam diminished and maybe dying, I may shift the load and broaden my range of cooking with the Salton, which I've used to cook rice, pasta, soup, and boil my bone broth.

A dumpling skin recipe.

Bachelor stew with the canned salmon and pasta sauce turns into bachelor salmon sauce. Not bad, but not really bachelor stew.

Young husband records his cute crying wife. He stopped updating their web presence in 2010. I wonder whether he stopped because she changed on him like Kate changed on Jon. Update: I don't know whether she changed on him, but the husband has continued his web presence.

Slick.

Claire Abbott apparently is the new Angie Varona. Just remember, young lady, with great power comes great responsibility.

Rollo linked to an interesting collection of photos showing porn actresses before and after their stage make-up is applied. The popularity of tattoos among young women saddens me. It's not attractive and interferes with their natural beauty. I disagree with Rollo's harsh downgrade of Zarena sans make-up. Rilee's appearance changed more for the worse.

Women can transform their appearance and demeanor to a degree that's beyond most men who aren't actors or con artists. Men change like driving a manual shift, while women change like driving an automatic. The unreliability of judging girls' actual looks through the illusion of make-up reminded me of a recent post by Emma observing that, contrary to the worldview espoused by PUAs, most men assign high value to traits in women besides looks. I agree with that. Looks matter, but compatibility and good-womanly traits matter just as much or more. Victor Pride of Bold and Determined touched on the subject of a girl's appearance and demeanor in his post How to Meet Shy Girls. (More here.) If her looks are good enough, that's good enough if she brings other valuable qualities to the table. Besides, I like girls who can dress down and relaxed and dress sharp and made up as the occasion calls for it.

Emma also talks about faking normalcy for the sake of others. There's what I desire from the world and there's what I want to give to the world. As an INFP, my approach has been to harmonize both sides of the equation with my inner self. I can give or push to the world on my terms. But self-centered integrity is not a realistic way to draw or pull what I desire from the world. To pull what I want from the world, I need to be better at faking normalcy and communicating on other people's wavelengths. How does the other person sense and process me? What does the other person want? What makes the other person happy? What cues are the keys that will unlock the reactions I want? How should I present myself and what image should I portray for the other person's sake rather than my sake? One answer.

British mom who loves her husband resents having had children but was a dutiful, conscientious mom nonetheless. Just not a loving mom. I have some suspicion that she is a loving mom and her over-the-top essay is a covert attempt to comfort her daughter who has been bed-ridden with MS and under her mom's full-time care since age 23 and is now 31. In other words, it's unlikely at this point her daughter will have her own children. The essay may be mom's heavy-handed way of trying to reassure her daughter that the alternative to becoming a mom is okay, too.

Judgybitch on Husband ≠ Friend.

I like this blog. Happycrow is red pill, but not an ideologue. I believe that's the right approach. The red pill is not a religion that one joins reciting a fixed catechism. It's about the truth, less universal Truth than emotionally and critically filtered, custom-fitted personal truth.

An interesting discussion deconstructing the popular cultural concept of romantic love. I think the commenters go too far in their attempt to discredit romantic love by revealing it as a deliberately manipulative social construct. They're like radical feminists in that regard. There is some pushback within the comment thread. I believe romantic love is real, and I want it, though I agree with the cynics that the popular cultural concept of romantic love has been harmfully misleading.

Liz asks for advice from men on raising a son from middle school through high school.

The questions are who am I, love, what do I do, in that order, albeit with some shifting and combining. I don't feel that I can answer the 3rd question until I've answered the 1st two.

For some, the red pill is rational and logically reasoned. For others, the red pill is koanic and intuitive.

Mastery learning goal orientation and growth mindset.

Eric

This is my first story

"This is my first story" would be a good name for a blog, or something else. For now, I'll just bookmark it by using it as the title for this thoughts of the day post. It works okay and the label function ensures I can find this post later as a thoughts of the day post. It's from this, which I know about because of this. It touches my red-pill instinct, or blue-pill programming, to be a dad and 爸爸.

I bought Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies on sale. The size has shrunk to 13 ounces. When I opened the package, the amount of cookies in it just looked skimpy. I'm feeling stuffed from gorging on chocolate chip cookies and whole milk, and bachelor stew with an egg, in that order. I harbor the totally baseless belief that the eater's remorseful consequences of overindulging in junk food can be ameliorated by mixing the junk food with a reasonably nutritious meal in my stomach.

Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies isn't the only junk food that's shrinking. I bought 1 bag regular Doritos and 1 bag Cool Ranch Doritos on a BOGO sale (2/4.29 vs the usual sale price of 2/5 or 2/6). The regular Doritos bag has been redesigned. Sale + redesign indicates a shrunken product. Sure enough, the regular Doritos bag now contains 11 oz. The Cool Ranch is 11.5 oz. Wikipedia's Doritos page displays a 12 oz bag of regular Doritos with a 3.99 labeled price. This recipe blog post from October 15, 2012 displays a 11.5 oz regular Doritos bag. Perhaps not surprisingly, most results in a google image search show Doritos bags with the weight digitally removed. And, as usual, I have eater's remorse from the Doritos and followed the chips with a real meal.

I'll fill in descriptions of my latest bachelor stew and bachelor meat sauce pasta, which I gobbled up in 2 meals (or rather 1 string of eating that spanned 2 meals), later.

Bachelor meat sauce pasta: Using my Sunbeam frying pan and Salton rice cooker, about 10 oz ground pork ($1), 28 oz can Hunts petite sliced tomatoes ($1) boosted with some Ragu sauce (Hunts diced tomatoes has tomato juice, no tomato puree), 10 oz box frozen Birds Eye frozen chopped broccoli ($1), about .5 oz remainder of 5 oz jar of HeluvaGood prepared horseradish ($1.69? for the jar), about 2/3 of 16 oz box Ronzoni small shells ($1 box), 1 chopped yellow onion (.88 2 lb bag). The amount, as usual, filled the Sunbeam, which has a 9 cup or 72 oz capacity. I started eating it at breakfast and kept picking at it until it was gone by lunch. It's a reliable comfort-food dish.

Bachelor stew: Using my 3 quart mixing bowl, Nesco, and Salton rice cooker, 14.75 oz can Icy Point pink salmon ($3), 18.5 oz can Italian-style Wedding (meatballs, carrots, and spinach in chicken broth) Progresso soup ($1.50), 10 oz box Best Yet frozen whole leaf spinach ($1), about 6 oz remainder of 24 oz jar Old World Style Traditional Ragu sauce ($1), 1 chopped yellow onion (.88 2 lb bag), 1 cup cooked rice ($10 20 lb bag). I later added about 32 oz of porkbone broth, but I don't think it made a difference from water. The stew costs more than my meat sauce pasta, but it makes for decadent eating.

Boneless pork sirloin chops - yum. I bought a 2.23 lb chunk on sale for $1.59/lb, rubbed on some seasoning salt and pepper, put it in the Nesco and left it alone to cook. 45 minutes later, tender meat. Easy. Pork has emerged as my favorite of the 3 meats. Pork is savory, forgiving to cook, and filling. Pork sears well. Beef is the most expensive of the 3 meats. It's not forgiving to cook and too easy to overcook. Beef tastes good when it's right, but it's tasteless when I get it wrong. Granted, I'm buying cheap cuts of beef, which makes a difference. Chicken is the cheapest of the 3 meats. It's forgiving to cook; I've overcooked chicken with much too high a temp for much too long and it still tasted like chicken. I like thigh meat the best. The downside is chicken is the least filling of the 3 meats; it's like the Wonderbread of meat.

I bought a 12 oz bag of BacalaRico Choice Boned Salted Alaska Pollock Fillets on sale for $2.50. These instructions on pan frying fish fillets seem simple enough. I'm just going to flour and fry the fillets in the Sunbeam, not egg and bread them. Update: I followed the instructions and soaked the fillets in water, changing the water 3 times, but they were still salty - over-seasoned salty, not preserved-in-salt salty. I don't know that it's worth the higher cost and trouble preparing compared to other meats, but the fish was edible at least. The Icy Point salmon is better. The flouring became sloppy because the fillets were still wet from soaking and turned the flour into dough. The flouring also didn't stick to the fish as I fried them, and I ended up eating fish and chips.

Bachelor cooking tips. My best method of cooking pork has been to broil it in my toaster oven, then sear it on my griddle pan and burner. I chopped up an onion and cooked some pieces on the griddle pan with the pork. However, I put the onions on the griddle pan too early, so they burned black. Next time, I'll put the onions and pork on the pan at the same time. Baking in the Nesco tends to dry out the pork while making for tender chicken - go figure; I haven't tried to bake my beef yet. Cooking too much rice + leftover chopped onions = egg-and-onion fried rice tomorrow. Okay, I purposely cooked too much rice for one meal because I'm looking forward to my comfort-food fried rice. Adding vinegar to bone broth gives it a sweet-and-sour soup kick (so that's how they do it). I had been saving the chicken, pork, and beef bones I boiled for bone broth for a reboil in order to pull out any remaining nutrients. When I roughly filled about half a 32 oz container with once-boiled bones, I boiled them all together in my 3 quart mixing bowl and Nesco. The resulting broth was thick and flavorful. Reboiling bones 2-3 times for bone broth softens and breaks down the outer bone and cartilege beyond just releasing the oils from the bone marrow. I've read that some restaurants boil bones for 24 hours and some home cooks boil bones for 4 hours in a pressure cooker to make their bone broth. It's reasonable to assume that boiling bones in my Salton rice cooker won't extract everything digestible from the bones the first time.

Keoni Galt, who has compelling thoughts on industrial food, recommends bone broth to ward off colds. Coincidentally, I haven't caught a cold since I started drinking bone broth and I usually get sick at least once in the winter.

I hadn't recorded before how much I spend on food. I wanted to find out how much it costs to feed myself so I started saving my receipts. The early returns are in:

Oct 2012-Feb 2013 spending by month ($)

Oct 2012	Nov 2012	Dec 2012	Jan 2013	Feb 2013
118.38	114.87	173.31	134.04	116.93

5 month total: 657.53

Monthly average: 131.51

It's a start. The data isn't reliable yet as far as projecting my spending. My October and November numbers are too low because they don't include all my eating out and I don't trust I saved all my receipts. My December number is higher because I was conscientiously saving my receipts, changing my eating routine, and paying more for same. My January and February numbers are more reliable for projection. I haven't had a budget. Before I set a budget, I want to establish a baseline by finding out how much I spend just by being moderate, buying on sale, and only minimally eating out. My diet has featured a lot of meat (beef, chicken, pork), milk, pasta, bread, bannock, and rice. I buy very little eat-in and take-out anymore, but I still regularly indulge in sweet and salty junk food. Cold whole milk and sweet cereal (eg, Post Cocoa Pebbles) is an irresistable combination. Milk good. Milk + sweet cereal bad.

The Basal Metabolic Rate, or the amount of energy or calories used by the body just being alive, is encouraging.

The History Channel Life and After People series producers obviously were big fans of Anatolian shepherd dogs. They sound like my kind of dog in their devotion to duty, steady temperament, and independent thinking. This episode features the breed, which is funny because the episode is actually about the fate of religious and other buildings if they're deprived of human maintenance. The gushing praise of the Anatolian shepherd brought to mind the LTC Dave Grossman essay On Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs that's a favorite of soldiers and cops.

An aspect of soldiering that spoils men is it is intrinsically meaningful work. When I was one, I was sure everything I did, most of all what I did with other soldiers, mattered. Since a soldier is a soldier 24/7, a meaningful life is just normal. Of course, the meaning is conferred with the uniform; it isn't self-determined. It's like a CIF or weapon issue. Soldiers don't own it and don't take it with them when they leave the uniform, except for their memories and, if they want, the Army values.

Soldiering suits INFPs, at least short term, because of "Mission first, Soldiers always"; it is a humanistic, fraternally bonding, paternally caring, values based, and idealistic profession. There's a lot of love in soldiering. When I decided to join the military, I chose the Army over the Air Force and Navy because they seemed designed primarily around technology (planes and ships) while the Army seemed designed around people.

What are the connections among the Marxist Frankfurt School, Modernity, feminine imperative, feminism, and Mencius Moldbug's Cathedral?

Criticisms of Moldbug's thesis. They're enlightening but seem to also suffer from the same argument flaws they accuse of Moldbug. They're advocacy pieces more than inquiries, critically rigorous in places but switching to name-calling, selective assertions, and unexamined dismissals in other places. (h/t)

Red pill round-up: OWC tears apart nice guys (h/t Morticia), Sunshine Mary explains why she shut down her blog, Judgybitch offers wife-choosing advice to single men, Stingray opines on raising her son to be a Man, and Novaseeker helps another blogger define zeta masculinity. (Yeah, I don't know what "zeta" means, either.)

While red-pill men's blogs are more nuts-and-bolts and actionable, red-pill women's blogs, like this one, are growing on me with their insight from the woman's perspective. This red-pill woman's blog recommends this men's clothing and grooming blog. Morticia says she's an INFP, which means of course I have to pay special attention to her blog. This one has a links-heavy post on MB types and compatibilities. Emma the Emo.

Caveat: Red-pill women ≠ red-pill men ≠ red-pill me, for that matter. The red pill "sphere" has points in common, but it is not the same across demographics nor individually. With a few notable exceptions, red-pill women are not supporting men's interests exclusively but rather want social gender rules reset to support their womanly interests by nurturing healthier complementary gender roles. For example. That's fair and worthy of support, but it behooves red-pill men to know the difference. Many (not all) red-pill men want a similar rule set reset or at least define their red pill according to male-female relations, albeit from a masculine orientation. MGTOW red pill is different. MGTOWs share the masculine orientation with other red-pill men but MGTOW is introverted and eschews complementary male-female goals. The shared masculine orientation and nature, however, means MGTOW red-pill men and complementarian red-pill men can cross over.

According to The Atlantic, educated upwardly mobile girls in their 20s are finding that their instinct for coupling is clashing with their feminist indoctrination. Feminist reaction, spin, here. Blame the Cathedral. Like the Pemon matriarch explained that her traditional skills will die with her, children are being socialized in school so that politically correct values, norms, knowledge, and aspirations are displacing family and tribal heritage. Girls are being molded to be something other than traditional natural women, ie, future matriarchs.

In addition to blogging about food, Keoni Galt is an MGTOW who's a protecting and providing husband and father, so he's an FM- (Family Man) GTOW. He discusses his withdrawal from popular partisan politics. I don't agree with him that to be political for a regular guy is to be a useful idiot for a cabalistic conspiracy. I agree to the extent that regular guys, including me, are usually out of their depth with issues that are more layered and complicated than is represented in popular partisan politics. I've never identified with the Republicans nor the Democrats, but I do care about their effect on issues I care about. I agree with Galt that "The Manosphere is a clearinghouse for TRUTH, aka "The Red Pill"."

Considering the arena, I think about binary alternatives, zero sum, adversarial, zealous advocacy, tribal and competitive, false premises, false choices, false equivalencies, false narratives, strawmen, and ad hominems . . . sniper fire from the law school (C not R), having my side 'represented' by a bitter opponent, seeing them eye me gleefully from their meeting in the classroom, knowing what would happen but hoping it wouldn't, completing the task anyway, then returning in half an hour to find all the flyers I had tacked and taped up in Hamilton at the end of an exhausting day were torn down as I had feared, watching the same poisonous slander and shut-down approach spread like a virus into mainstream politics when I volunteered for GEN Clark in the Democratic primaries, reindeer games by narrow-minded teammates, being sabotaged by my own people, twice, and one of my Columbia professors disappointingly blogging like a partisan hack. The arena is a caustic, disillusioning place, yet the arena is where causes are won and lost.

My capabilities and ideals are drawn to the arena, but the arena clashes with my temperament. Do I choose my capabilities and ideals or my temperament? Can I reconcile them? How much of my achievement in college was me and how much was luck and fate? Where did Tina Bu lose her balance?

What difference if just one of them said yes? Maybe none. Maybe everything. I started writing a post with this thought, but it was too pathetic even for the parameters I've stretched on my blog in order to facilitate my current reflection. It's saved as a draft, though, so I may revisit it later.

A good metaphor for my idealized concept of relationships is the scene in Forrest Gump where battle buddies Bubba and Forrest lean back-to-back to raise each other out of the mud:

Hey Forrest, I'm going to lean up against you. You just lean right back against me. This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we a good partnership, Forrest? Because we be watching out for one another, like brothers and stuff.

I've conceived romance as two imperfect people joining forces in a gestalt that makes both partners better and stronger. Flaws and weaknesses weren't to be hidden, but rather shared in order to foster intimate bonding, mutual dependence, and reciprocal support. The consequence has been a self-defeating schema with a negative return on investment. Reforming the ideal requires no less than removing part of my essential identity while conceiving and constructing an alien, once-offensive algorithm to replace it.

I'm working my way through Rollo's Year One and just read The Basics. Alpha Buddah, indeed - it's true in my experience that guys like Corey Worthington, who are only as sorry as much and how they need to be, have more latitude, get away with things, and get the girl.

In a case of glass half empty, sports pundits have framed the story of the American team at the World Baseball Classic according to the American stars not on the roster, such as Prince Fielder, Bryce Harper, Mike Trout, and Justin Verlander. Just based on their criticism, I thought the US roster was filled with benchwarmers. Yet the US roster has a respectable contingent of stars, including MVP position players, Cy Young award-winning pitchers, legit candidates for either, and elite closers.

Eric

INFP is not alpha

Default User compared the alphaness of the Myers-Briggs personality types. I'm not surprised INFP came in last. This is his take on INFPs:

INFP
These are the poets of the world. Quiet, deep, and a bit other-worldly. They may be hard to get to know, but will care for all those they meet. Although a reserved type they will be appreciated for their quiet warmth.
Males: INFP is most definitely a female type. INFP males may have a hard time (especially in their youth and teens). However, with their warm hearts and caring nature they just might sneak up on you. Perhaps even more than other introverted types may find it difficult to put themselves forward.
Females: Their deep and introspective natures may make them hard to fathom. Their reserve means they may be overlooked. This will be as much the other person’s loss as the INFP’s.
General: They are the most idealistic of the NF idealists. They may have an ideal for love and the other person that they cannot quite describe. They are probably the type that is least comfortable in a standard dating setting with its focus on glib charm and sometimes-cynical attitudes. The world may run on E/I STJ but it would a much worse place without INFP.

Default User says more in the comments, all of it on target and depressing. While an extraordinary surplus of selective qualities such as physical attractiveness, power, wealth, and fame can compensate (JFK Jr is said to have been an INFP), the discouraging reality is the INFP personality does not attract women and, worse, is off-putting. An INFP woman is relatively better off because a woman can cross the first barrier to love by being noticed and receptive to romantic pursuit. An INFP man, on the other hand, is required like all men to extrovertedly and aggressively pursue a woman's acceptance by actively qualifying himself to her. There, the INFP dilemma is worse than superficial disattraction; the INFP personality is also the least intrinsically capable of practicing the "seductive arts". INFP men discover to their deep dismay that their basic personality is the greatest impediment to gaining their heart's fulfillment.

In the rare instances he crosses the first barrier, an INFP man is not home free. He is handicapped in the follow-up, too. As has been often said in the Manosphere, a woman continually qualifies and judges the man she is with. When a woman tentatively agrees to a test run on a relationship with a smitten INFP man and induces him to open his inner self to her, he is in danger of making her uneasy (or view him as "intimidating"). More often than not, he induces her in short order to eject from the nascent coupling.

Even a short-lived romance exacts a high cost from an INFP man, though. He has pulled his heart open to bring her inside and transforms in order to bond with her as soulmates. When she pulls away, the wound she rips in his heart lingers.

My favorite example of frustrated INFP romantic idealism (besides my own) is canonical poet William Butler Yeats's decades-long quest for transcendent love with Maud Gonne, who repeatedly put off Yeats's entreaties while at the same time accepting lovers who were ordinary men in comparison.

PS: Hooking Up Smart has a link-heavy post on MB types and their relationship compatibilities.

Eric

My basic leadership principles

I learned these leadership principles as a soldier:

• Do my job and my duty.
• Take ownership.
• Accomplish the mission.
• Improve my craft (technical and tactical proficiency).
• Set (define and exemplify) the standard for my soldiers.
• As a baseline, work at least as hard in my lane as my hardest working soldier.
• Recognize when to micromanage, when to pitch in, and when to get out of the way.
• Know my soldiers.
• Take care of my soldiers.
• Create leaders from my soldiers.
• Peer leadership.
• Active followership.
• Respect the enemy.

I carried over those principles and added these leadership principles as a student activist:

• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and the beginning steps are no less than creation.
• Inspire with Vision.
• Do.
• Seize opportunities with aggression and intelligence, for I understand opportunities multiply as they are seized.
• Learn the parameters of the operating environment and its players, and continually update my intelligence.
• Defining the problem frames the solution.
• Strategize and outline a framework to be filled in. Start with the goals, then work backwards from there.
• Be imaginative and think big, even if we can only act small for now.
• Identify the group's organic needs and the mission's needs. They are related but not the same.
• Know my own strengths and weaknesses to fulfill the needs.
• Seek out teammates and resources to fulfill the needs.
• Communicate and foster a culture of communication.
• Articulate the 'why', not just the 'how' and 'what'.
• Knowledge is power and actionable information is lifeblood.
• Extroverted outreach and public engagement and a highly visible public profile change the social operating environment and create beacons to attract support, opportunities, and like-minded people.
• In weighing risk versus reward, I give more weight to why do than why don't do.
• Uncertainty is normal.
• A risk-averse, zero-defect mentality that seeks certainty is a self-restricting handicap that's not necessary.
• Push the envelope.
• At the same time, prepare to mitigate risks and recover.
• Account for unintended consequences as best I can in my risk analysis.
• Failures, mistakes, and defeats - if processed tactically - advance the learning curve for victory.
• OODA and learn.
• Have a future-time orientation and think ahead to the medium term, long term, and horizon, though horizon plans are inherently fragile.
• Cost permitting, act to set up future maneuvers even when the near-term benefit is obscure and the future maneuver is only a tenuous possibility.
• Anticipate and plan ahead.
• Put out as many fires as I can before they start, because I'll have my hands full with the fires that inevitably flare up.
• A good enough solution delivered on time is better than an imaginary perfect solution.
• Do the best I can with what I have to work with.
• Logistics and cost/benefit analysis.
• Be creative.
• Improvise to stretch resources.
• Where appropriate, design a group action to serve multiple purposes.
• Don't reinvent the wheel if I don't have to; observe what other groups do effectively and tailor it to our mission.
• When inventing the wheel is necessary, innovate.
• Strengthen the organizational base for longevity and growth.
• Every group action, in addition to its near-term benefit, should produce building blocks for the group and/or the mission.
• Timely event follow-up is important to invest the production from the event.
• Productive publicity from an event is more important than a well-attended event.
• Design photogenic events and take high-quality pictures.
• Grow the brand and guard the group's public identity.
• Control the narrative.
• Constantly network.
• Gather good people.
• A good team, well led, in the right structure is greater than the sum of its parts.
• Group intelligence and capabilities should multiply when combined.
• Know my teammates and position them to be their most productive.
• Balance leading from the front with facilitating teammates and accept that facilitating them means equal-or-more personal effort with less personal credit.
• Give credit where credit is due.
• Mold a team of aggressive, smart leaders who initiate, take ownership of the mission, and do.
• Prepare the group to continue mission without me.
• As best I can, staff my team with people I trust, but also recognize people I don't trust who could be useful.
• Protect myself and the group from the people I don't trust but use for the mission.
• Identify the people who play reindeer games and do not help the mission. They are cancers. Do not tolerate them. Neutralize them as soon as possible.
• If a mission-essential subordinate is doing a bad job, I can try to rehabilitate him, but I will fire him if the problem persists.
• Organizational structure is a practical constant, so make it as ergonomic as possible.
• Bureaucracy obstructs when done wrong and facilitates when done right.
• Be meticulous with the details of management, records, and organization.
• Set out criteria and goals.
• At the same time, adapt and be flexible; change and surprise are normal.
• When shit happens, make it an opportunity.
• Acting for the good of the group or mission may entail a decision that clashes with a personal belief.
• Activists seek controlled destruction as a necessary stage of creation.
• Activist passion is rocket fuel for the mission because it's explosive, so handle with care.
• When activist destruction succeeds, make sure to follow up with activist creation.
• Disappointment with the return on investment and frustration are normal.
• Near-term success does not guarantee long-term success, and the same goes for failure.
• The disposition of a leadership decision (gamble) may only manifest years later.
• The most important leadership principle was my answer to 'What are you prepared to do?'.*

*Answer: What was needed, and it was exhausting. Jim Malone's "blood oath" with Elliot Ness in the pew was basically my negotiation with Oscar when he recruited me to be his vice president.

Excerpt from Leaders and Lanes about what I learned about leadership from my high school bowling team:

I learned that leadership comes from within and that a good leader does not set out to win popularity contests. Charm and charisma help, but they are not the main traits required of effective leadership. A leader must be tough, smart and reliable. The job comes first. Friendships come second. Popularity is not a concern. The path of leadership begins with a vision that is followed by sacrifice, endless work, anxiety, and loneliness. Leaders must be responsibility embodied; excuses are reserved for politicians and critics. After high school, the Army tried to teach me about prioritizing "the mission and my men" ahead of myself. It wasn't necessary--I had learned the lesson on the bowling team years earlier.

Our best and worst leaders are revealed in times of adversity, when there are no easy answers and leaders are forced to rely on themselves. That's why our most beloved presidents are associated with our nation's wars. For the same reason, bowling teams are an ideal training ground for leadership. High school bowling differs from football, basketball, baseball, and other sports, which are granted automatic respect. Even winning high school bowling teams are usually stigmatized. A bowling captain must work against the status quo, peer judgment and, most of all, his own insecurities and those of his teammates to shape his bowlers into a proud team.

A good leader sees the dormant possibilities in his surroundings, a skill that I learned as a high school bowler. At first, I accepted the popular image of the bowling team as shameful--until we defeated a highly ranked opponent in the playoffs. I realized then how special the team could be. I saw its hidden potential, and my world changed. From then on, the status quo stopped being the only way and became just one of many options.

During my next three years of high school, I learned some enduring lessons about leadership while I built the bowling team that I envisioned. To my surprise, few of my teammates were as motivated as I was to build the team. I had hoped to share the work equally with them, but I was forced to separate myself from my friends to become the team leader. For the first time in my life, I challenged authority, in the form of my coach, because he was not making the changes I knew were necessary. From the same coach, I learned that hard work and good decisions are not always recognized, and that initiative must be its own reward. . . . The bowling team taught me that a good leader is the difference between success and failure; . . . I have learned that even among the best and brightest, leadership is a rare, valuable and an absolutely necessary trait. I firmly believe now that in everything--this world, this life--good leaders make all the difference.

Eric

Hagel hearings remind that opposition to Bush was partisan not principled

I've been avoiding politics, too upsetting, but some things get in. Neo-neocon's post on the Senator Hagel, Secretary of Defense nomination hearings makes my patriotic liberal idealist heart clench in anger.

Senator Hagel based his defeatist opposition to the counterinsurgency 'surge' in Iraq on his traumatized memory of the Vietnam War. Hagel believed because his generation failed at something a long time ago in a land far away, it couldn't be accomplished anytime anywhere else, rather than allow that another American generation could engineer a solution. I don't understand why such a narrow-minded defeatist should be in charge of the military. More upsetting is Hagel's admission of self-interested partisan motivation for undermining the US mission in Iraq.

It's not a surprise anymore, but it's still frustrating. Hagel's naked admissions are just one more reminder that President Bush reacted to 9/11 as a principled leader simply trying to do his duty as America’s Commander-in-Chief and leader of the free world – following liberal principles no less. He gave his countrymen the opportunity to reaffirm that we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our Fortunes, & our sacred Honor in order to battle the regressive challenge to our hegemony and make the world a better place. Instead, Bush's detractors seized the opportunity to grab power and advance their own agenda of parochial partisan self-interests at the expense of the nation and a progressive world order. They succeeded and, rather than object, the Cathedral was complicit, and the majority of the West accepted the betrayal as the new political normal. We fractured and shrank where we should have united and grown.

My recent attempt at bigWOWO to set the record straight on our Iraq intervention reinforced to me, sadly, that their point of view originates from partisanship, not principle. Their truth is thus defined. It's far enough gone that Byron, bigWOWO's proprietor, even fought the basic language necessary to understand my explanation, and I was not being esoteric. As I observed in recent thoughts, they don't want truth; they want their narrative. They don't want peace; they want allegiance. And, it's a tough (red) pill for an idealist to swallow, but morality is plastic, as plastic as the narrative.

My countrymen let me down.

Thus I turn my focus towards MGTOW even as my INFP heart continues to tug me towards the good fight of the idealist. My gut still wants to wade into the arena, champion a worthy cause, and do what I can to set things right, an impulse I embraced as a student activist with mixed results. I tried, but the serial of pettiness, debased sacredness, exposed shibboleths, betrayed trust, even senseless evil, have roiled the ground under my feet. What's wrong is too much and amorphous for my simple ethical prescriptions; I'm feeling (fellow INFP) Yeats. I'm disappointed and disillusioned. I need to save myself before I again consider saving anyone else, let alone my country and the world.

Eric

Thoughts of the day

At bigWOWO's post on the Psy controversy, my attempt to correct misconceptions about the Iraq mission in the comments is a depressing reminder that pushing back against the memetic wave of the false narrative on the Iraq mission doesn't make a difference. The pattern is they'll first confidently state the false narrative as truth, become sullen when I introduce my case, and then disengage the discussion to avoid further disturbing their beliefs or they'll circle back to insist on the false narrative. By now, the false narrative, with the damage it has wrought, is hardened and impossible to loosen. Anti-Iraq protestors have too much invested in it. Even in 2003-04, when minds were not yet set about the Iraq mission, I found to my frustration and sadness the same unwillingness to weigh the argument for the Iraq mission against the misinformation tidal wave. They self-select into the echo chamber. Their mindset is adversarial - tribal and competitive - not inquisitorial. The phenomenon speaks to the tribal uniformity theory of political beliefs. They don't want truth; they want their narrative. They don't want peace; they want allegiance.

My failure to make a difference after 9/11 fuels my impulse to turn away from my INFP idealism and go MGTOW. I feel like the boy hero of the fable of the Dutch boy who stuck his finger into a leak in a dike, stayed there faithfully through the cold night, stopped the leak from growing into a destructive flood, thus saving his home. Except my heroic finger didn't slow the leak in the slightest. Instead, the dike has crumbled around my finger while many other large leaks have sprung. The dike is collapsing, the flood is growing, and I wonder what further point there is for me to keep sticking my fingers into holes that are larger than I am.

My leadership in SU4A, MilVets, and CU ROTC advocacy showed I can make a difference when I'm in position with sufficient authority and power to do. However, my failure to influence the course of events after my leadership also showed the very limited effect of talking when not coupled with the power to do. If I can't do and lead others doing, then talking about what should be done is mostly wasted effort. I can set a course when in charge, but I'm not confident my course will be followed when I'm not steering the ship.

Interesting concept: the Cathedral, or academia + education + entertainment + media that work together to form, propagate, and reinforce the dominant set of public beliefs of a democratic society. The government and effective NGOs are not part of the Cathedral per se, but bureaucrats conform and build the social structure based on the dominant set of public beliefs. Mencius Moldbug's Cathedral seems loosely related to the famous The Cathedral and the Bazaar concept.

It is useful to know the different axes of political discourse (h/t Mad Minerva):

My hypothesis is that progressives, conservatives, and libertarians view politics along three different axes. For progressives, the main axis has oppressors at one end and the oppressed at the other. For conservatives, the main axis has civilization at one end and barbarism at the other. For libertarians, the main axis has coercion at one end and free choice at the other.

It's illustrative of the evolution or manipulation of popular political language that the outlook classically assigned to Marxists - "the main axis has oppressors at one end and the oppressed at the other" - is assigned to progressives, instead, while the outlook classically assigned to progressives - "the main axis has civilization at one end and barbarism at the other" - is assigned to conservatives, instead. The axis for conservatives should be order on one end and chaos or anarchy at the other.

For most, risk incentives (fear, loss, failure, suffering, shame, danger, ostracization) are more powerful motivators than reward incentives. For the primitive hindbrain, losing is worse than gaining is better. We most want security, stability, and reliability.

Law professor lectures on the 5th Amendment's "right to remain silent" and not volunteering information to law enforcement authorities.

My brief breakdown on American gun culture: 2nd Amendment, principle of liberty and independence, anti-authority or loss of faith in authority * . . . self-defense and property defense . . . self-reliance, robustness, and resilience, up to survivalists and doomsday preppers . . . rural American life, hunting, pioneer and frontiersman tradition . . . sport, hobby and collectibles. *Loss of faith in authority pervades the 1st 3 groupings.

Chilling horror stories of once-upon-a-time success stories: St Johns Dean Cecilia Chang (who earned her Ed D at Columbia) and Flushing developer Thomas Huang. My god, is that what it takes for someone of Taiwanese descent to make it in New York?

The living ideal combines health, peace of mind, the ascetic life, and the aesthetic life. Self-reliance, robustness, resilience, and independence. Music and dance - active, rather than passive, art of mind and body. Athletics, too, maybe, for health and socializing.

Feedback loop. OODA decision-making loop. Breaking out of a slump. Aware and self-aware, analytical and reflective, fluid and adaptive, self-conscious invention of self. Mining life for building blocks. Developmental, rather than judgemental, learning style - experience is scarring for growth, like building muscle, not win/lose or pass/fail (by what judgemental standard anyway?). Like this admirable blogger who changed her life with a 2012 new year's resolution.

Dating advice from 1923 for women reads like modern dating advice for men, ie, Game. The alternative to Game? One-two, one-two, knock-out.

The socio-sexual hierarchy.

In the same self-help and MGTOW spirit of watching Les Stroud's and Ray Mears's survival shows, I should watch more TED (acronym for Technology, Entertainment, Design) talks on youtube. This appears to be TED's official youtube channel.

Website with useful military technical references that are contemporary with my service, eg, this 2000 11B manual and FM 21-15. The site is likely temporary since the information is for participants of a March 2013 combat simulation.

Bachelor chow classic: About $1.50 worth or about half a 20.8 oz box of ground turkey, $1 28 oz can of crushed and pureed tomatoes, $1 10 oz box of frozen chopped broccoli or whole spinach, roughly 3/4 of a $1 16 oz box of pasta. (Disclaimer: all items bought on sale.) A little season salt, pepper, and hot sauce. Maybe garnish with cheese. I've taken to mixing types of pasta for a little added variety in the texture. The canned crushed and pureed tomatoes are too thin to work on their own as pasta sauce; it tastes like unflavored pasta with a thin watery tomato-flavored garnish. The crushed and pureed tomatoes work fine in a meat sauce, though. The dish cooks up easily and relatively quickly: brown the meat, cook the pasta, add the tomatoes and broccoli to the meat, add the cooked pasta and extra liquid for the pasta to soak up, simmer, and done. It looks like a large long-lasting heap in the electric skillet, but it's easy-eating comfort food that disappears fast with 2nds and 3rds.

More bachelor eating tips: Tip 1: Tostitos dip 15 oz glass jars make fine drinking glasses due to their size, shape, and wide mouth. They hold hot drinks, too. (Caveat: While I microwaved broth in the jar without an apparent problem, instructions on the jar say dip should be microwaved in a separate container.) Tip 2: Boil the leftover bones from a meaty meal and add salt for a tasty broth. It may help to crack the bones, especially uncut bird bones, before boiling them. Tip 3: Used cooking oil may taste stale rather than infused with the flavors of past tasty meals. Tip 4: Vegetable (soybean) oil smells bad and hardens into a solid like hard rubber that is difficult to remove and smells gross when reheated. Tip 5: The Nesco 6 quart roaster oven, because the heat comes from the sides, is a poor choice for cooking that's best done with direct heat, like heating soup, scrambling eggs, or popping corn. Tip 6: Using the lid on the Sunbeam electric frying pan makes it an effective oven.

Bachelor cookware (1 quart = 4 cups = 32 oz): Set of 1/2/3-quart nested Farberware Classic stainless steel mixing bowls, 9 cup Sunbeam electric frying pan, 5 cup Salton rice cooker, 6 quart Nesco roaster oven, Toastmaster basic burner, T Fal square griddle pan, Maverick Henrietta Hen egg cooker, George Foreman grill, Regal 5 cup poly hot pot, Proctor Silex toaster oven, Sharp Carousel microwave oven.

The right-end nail of my improvised poncho curtain fell out while I was trying to tighten the taut-line hitch on the curtain's ridge line. There are now 2 enlarged holes on the right end that can no longer hold a nail, at least nails of the diameter I'm using. The other 3 nails (left end and 2 weight-bearing nails, although the right-center weight-bearing nail is now the right-end nail) are still holding, but the 2 current end nails are bent and may pull out like the failed right-end nail if I attempt any more adjustments that are less than gentle. In retrospect, a tug-and-tie-off trucker's hitch would have been the smarter knot given the awkwardness of adjusting a taut-line hitch at that angle, but the same thing could have happened if I tried to fix the sag in the ridge line with a trucker's hitch. I later discovered after my best effort to tighten a line using the same accessory cord on 2 door hinges that the line sags when significant weight is hung from it; I believe the ridge line sags under weight because the accessory cord is stretchy, not because it's loose. Oh well, sorry, nail. Why nails don't work above my window: There's a weight-bearing concrete or possibly metal lintel above my window that requires a special drill and inset pieces. Hammered nails only go in about a 1/4 inch. Thicker nails than I'm using might be strong enough to hold up a poncho, though. There may also be adhesive hooks I can use instead.

The NFL Films bells song, Power and Glory: A New Game by Tom Hedden. I've wanted the NFL bells song for a while. Bonus: The NFL Films opening song The Power and Glory: Classic Battle by Sam Spence.

Eric

Stand down

In my last post, I marveled at how stubbornly my heart has held onto Traci. My weekend relapse wasn't nearly as intense as the grief over Traci that paralyzed me in my hotel room in Hawaii on my way home from the Army, but I wouldn't have expected memories of Traci would still hit this hard over seven years later. It reminds me of a holdout soldier who loyally follows orders, doggedly gives his fullest to a hopeless mission, then refuses to accept his nation's surrender, and continues to fight the war alone. My head gave the order to give her up when I left Korea. It's apparent my heart has defied those orders and continued to carry on the mission I gave it eight years ago: to protect my love.

I think these excerpts from A40YOV's unrequited love post, the 1st from A40YOV's post and 2nd from a responding comment, help point to why:

A40YOV: "I came to realize that she was the most wonderful and beautiful girl in the entire world, and there was not a single other person on the entire planet that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with besides Jenny. . . . My relationship with Jenny was a major turning point in my life. I learned about how great it felt to be in love and how horrible it felt for the love not to be returned. Ever since, I have been haunted with the desire to experience that feeling of love again."

Tammy's guy: "I'm almost 40 now and I'm still looking for that one true love that will return the love back. Since Tammy, like the author of this blog, I've been searching to feel that way again, but to no avail. Now, I feel myself regressing back to the emptiness of daily existence like it was before Tammy came into my life. And I'm fighting hard to resist it, but it's getting difficult by the day. . . . the older I get, the more I feel it's becoming too late."

Traci brought into my life a world of hope and happiness in which I could see the coming decades with my wife and mother of my children guiding my life's decisions. Fate seemed to bring us together in Korea, not as it turned out, mere - extraordinary - coincidence. I'm not saying I went shopping for an engagement ring following the first sunrise we watched together, but I could see the road leading there. Turning away from that dazzling promise and falling back to the dark alone feels a little like dying.

I don't think I've been holding out for a 20-year-old Traci to somehow come to life from my memories, change her mind, and whisper into my arms. My head knows better. Rather, I think my heart meant to protect me. I'm afraid Traci was my one chance for fulfilling happiness, so my heart decided it was better to hold onto the dim light of a lost love defined by sorrow than to accept the dark "emptiness of daily existence" without her.

It has hurt to keep Traci in my heart, but it hurts more to let her go. Part of me simply is still in love with her. But, the fact is my life will be without her, and I've paid a price for protecting a dead dream. I depend on feeling ("introverted feeling", in Myer-Briggs speak), which comes from the heart. I wonder how my heart holding onto Traci has affected my feeling and thus my life over-all. What greater price have I paid for falling in love with a girl who didn't love me back? I need my heart freed in order to live my life the best I can. Who knows - Traci fatefully entered my life a short time after I let go of Judy. Maybe that means letting go of Traci will allow a new love to enter my life. I don't believe I'll experience beauty like Traci's again, but I have to believe I'll fall in love again.

Stand down, my heart. You fought the good fight and did what I asked of you. It's time to let her go.

Eric

INFP relationships

I am an INFP. Therefore, I ought to explore this on-line forum about relationships and INFPs. Maybe I can find useful insights and information.

I found the link via yahoo answers.

Eric

A great 9/11 generation liberal blog: neo-neocon

Read neo-neocon.

I've found myself reading military blogs and conservative blogs since I found the blogosphere. I need to start 'collecting' more blogs by converted liberals like neo-neocon. I may as well 'fess up and call myself a neocon.

neo-neocon may very well be a fellow INFP as well. She's a professional therapist who combines a deeply personal emotional feeling perspective with politics.

- Eric

Oppa

Rod gave me the best explanation I've received to date about what happened with Traci and me. The recurring question has been, how did I completely misread the developing dynamic between us. How was it that doing my best and doing what I thought was right, with such good intentions, only drove her further away? It was a nightmarish sequence. For 5 years, I've wanted to know. I had to know how I could be that wrong when she felt (emotionally) so right. I rely on my intuition (see INFP profile) and if I can't trust my innate judgement, then I can't operate.

I've told him about Traci before. Maybe it's because Rod knows I've practically given up on romantic relationships due to Traci that he took a closer review of her and my history together. His conclusion is that the strongest indicators, both the ones I interpreted as promising and those I glossed over, all pointed to a classic misunderstanding of romantic interest versus the oppa. Furthermore, I likely exacerbated the process by trying to do my 'best' with her. The nature of my 'best' would have bolstered her approach towards me as an oppa.

The phenomenon of Oppa, an anglicized pronunciation for "big brother" in Korean and a term used exclusively by females, is special to Korean girls. Traci, of course, is half-Korean on her mother's side. It's a process by which Korean girls view a male of equal or a few years older age (i.e., within the brother range) as a surrogate brother. Not a sexual, not a romantic relationship, it's very much a platonic relationship. She views the oppa as a mentor, a guardian and/or an advisor. This male is valued for his wisdom and intelligence, maturity, stability and dependability.

Evidence she viewed me as a potential oppa is Traci asking me at Namsam Tower how I was so - I forget the wording she used - self-possessed, self-controlled, wise, something admiring my apparently superior awareness and maturity. That question moved me to give Traci a copy of my pre-Army journal. I answered Traci's question because I had fallen in love and I wanted her to know me so we would bond and share life's journey. The effect, instead, was I pulled back the curtain and revealed the wizard was an ordinary man. If at Namsam Tower Traci thought of me as a potential oppa, then my journal likely disillusioned her and set off a TCAS warning alarm.

Rod explained that mistaking oppa-oriented treatment by a Korean girl as romantic potential is a common misinterpretation for those unaware of it, and it appears I fell into that trap with Traci. In fact, a similar occurrence happened to Rod in college.

So . . . is that what happened between Traci and me? She was setting me up as an oppa while I was setting her up as a serious girlfriend and possibly more? Rod thinks it's a typical case, but I can't know for sure unless Traci admits it, which isn't likely at this point. Anyway, it's a working explanation and it helps. How? I haven't decided yet, but it helps.

An irony, well, not a very big irony, is that while I was attracted to Traci from the moment I watched her walk late into the 1st day of Mr. Norris' English 101 class and sit in the back of the row of seats by the door, and I became more attracted to her when we spoke later that night while we waited to cross the street between the Yongsan gates, when we started interacting, I had decided platonic friendship with Traci and acceptance into her family life would be a very good thing for me, certainly during my time in Korea and perhaps even longer than that. In other words, if Traci initially considered me an oppa, the irony is that I initially was prepared to be an oppa.

I won't apologize for, diminish nor deny the feelings I had for Traci, nor do I regret acting upon them, but even so, if I hadn't been romantically interested in her, I'm confident we would have been friends and I would have been a good 'big brother'. A related irony is that I've wanted a little sister. Traci and I had chemistry. I believe the 'click' together was real enough, even if I was clicking for Traci only as an oppa, and not a romantic partner.

Well. Here's to the fiery of younger days, unrequited love, the innocence of passion and our pure dreams.

- Eric

Fascination with leadership

It's the INFP thing about making the world a better place. It's seeking teamwork and a community focused and aligned by shared purpose. It's my experiences making things happen using my own models in broke-down, ate-up situations, and my doubts, failures and successes in those experiences. It's the bowling team, the Army, USMAPS and West Point, and then 9/11 at Columbia. It's my inheritance from my father. It's wondering at emerging patterns, my seemingly natural, even selected, role as the 2nd in command, the staff NCO, the assistant team captain, VP, the Plt Sgt, even as the natural Little John in pre-school playing 2nd to the natural Robin Hood in class. Of my own initiatives, success in the short-term, but rarely (any?) achievements lasting with longevity. Well-liked and respected, but never popular. It's all of that.

I know I can be an organizer, an activist, a facilitator and enabler, a coach and advisor, and with some messiness, even an operator. But a leader? I don't know that. How do they do it? What sets them apart from me? Is it just a matter of will and character, that I lack? Is it charisma, personal appeal? A better work ethic? Stronger convictions, higher self-confidence? Better salesmanship? Are they just smarter, savvier? More practical, more calculating? Better organized? More principled? Better focused? What do the natural and effective leaders have that I lack? Why do some people effortlessly carry leadership appeal like my Beast roommate while I'm just a background player until I assert myself?

Add it up, and I have a strong fascination with the nature, the science and the art of leadership. Changing the world. Making things happen. Guiding collective action. Translating the one into a greater whole and a higher purpose. The things I want to achieve in my life, even if I only know them essentially yet formlessly at this point, require leadership.

I wonder if there's a major that encompasses the study of leadership at Columbia U, and how otherwise I can pursue that interest? Where do I begin?

UPDATE 12/06/04: An opinion piece I wrote on leadership, Leaders and Lanes, for the Columbia Spectator. Enjoy.


- Eric

Portrait of an INFP

I am an INFP according to the Jungian Myers-Briggs personality test, which I have taken twice. As a biased 1st party observer, I think this description of the INFP personality from The Personality Page is uncanny for the most part. *

Enjoy.

---

Portrait of an INFP - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition)

The Idealist

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst. *

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

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* Comment:
The INFP description is uncanny for the most part, except "Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst."

That part doesn't fit.

Argument, whether passionate or calm in a barroom or a courtroom, normally involves advocating a point of view with a biased representation of facts. As well, an emotional reaction when "under stress ... in the heat of anger" is normal.

However, "mis-use [of] hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst" is a more severe charge than biased representation and contradicts "INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists". It implies INFPs "under stress" drop their "very high standards" and degenerate to hysterical bluster. The logic of an argument coheres or it doesn't. The facts cited are accurate or they're not. If the logic coheres and the facts cited are accurate, then there's no "mis-use", however emotional and biased the argument.

- Eric