Adoption Update

I woke up early today and couldn't fall back asleep because my heart and mind were racing with ways to serve kids in the foster care system right here in our own community.

I feel so strongly that we as Christians need to step up and be the hands and feet of Jesus - to care for the fatherless, to love on those in need. There are so many ways to do this and I believe 2010 is going to be a big year for the orphan! I can't wait to see what He does in the lives of the orphan and also in the lives of those God uses to care for them. Maybe this will be you?!

"Ready the troops, Lord. It's time to GO!" was what I wrote in my journal this morning. It's time to drop to our knees and pray pray pray. I didn't realize how these words would resonate with me later in my day because today, I talked with "our" kids' social worker again.

Honestly, I hadn't really planned to call - it just kind of happened! That's often how I work, I got that feeling that welled up inside of me - like a fire in my belly and I asked the Lord if I should call and then I dialed that number.

As soon as she answered I felt nervous and stammered around trying to get as much info. as I could without being a major annoyance! Here's what I found out.

She has reviewed our home study but she sent out for MORE home studies from others and told us to "go ahead and look at other children." Other children?? What does that mean?

Basically she feels a family with no other children would be best for these kids. Obviously that's not what I wanted to hear but I truly want what is best for them too. God knows who they need and who needs them. And though, this social worker is the one who is making the decision, GOD alone "sets the lonely in families." I find great comfort in that fact - where ever they end up, He will meet their needs - I am clinging to this belief.

Wondering if the door was completely shut, I asked her "Do I give up hope then?" She told me not to give up, so she hasn't totally crossed us off her list. So that is good, right? :)

Then I asked for a time frame - "When can I expect to hear anything?" Her answer, "4-6 MONTHS before you would hear anything." 4-6 months....

This is because of ICPC - (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children). When you want to take children out of their home state, there are extra steps and paperwork that must be taken.

So after hanging up with her, I just layed my head on the counter and let the realization that this could be a much longer wait and one that may not even end up with these kids.

And then I thought about my prayer earlier today. "Ready the troops Lord." And so I'm coming to you - asking for your prayers. God hears the prayers of the righteous. Please, will you band with us to pray these kids home. Wherever HOME is for them. Will you pray for us, that we will have wisdom. When to speak up, when to stay quiet. When to send an email or make a call, and when to sit back.

I simply want to follow God's lead. My joy is in HIM. But my heart does long to hold these kids in my arms and care for them. To walk them through life - to let them know that they are special, chosen, loved. To give them a place to belong and a family to call their own.

I know my Lord loves them more than I can imagine and with open arms I entrust them to Him. I give Him my heart, my hopes, my dreams. I give Him the authority to be who He is in my life and in theirs. I give Him my desire to control this situation.

And I wait, with expectancy of what lies ahead.

2010 is going to be a big year, I believe. Will you pray with us?

The Best Christmas Gift

On Christmas Eve, Paige prayed a very sweet prayer for "our" three kids that went something, very much like this.

"Dear Lord, we pray for these three kids that they would be ours and come home soon. Maybe we could get a call on Christmas saying that they were going to be ours! If that happened, that would be well, the best Christmas gift I could ever get. But if they are not to be ours, we pray that they will get a loving Christian family. Amen"

It warms my heart to hear my kids praying for L, T, and J. Kids from across the country whom they have never met but yet they also love them and WANT them to be part of our family.

The Lord knows how this journey will unfold. I have to give Him my heart continually because it is hard, the waiting and the unknowns. I feel as though I'm in the midst of a spiritual battle. Satan has been throwing some heavy darts of condemnation, lies, and discouragement my way and sometimes I feel so weary in the battle but the Lord has given me His strength. He has filled my heart with joy and He has used some dear friends to encourage me and bless me along the way. Thank You Jesus!!

I would so appreciate your prayers during this time. My spirit longs to make the most of every moment, to learn and grow in the waiting but my flesh is weak. And I would LOVE to have some answers, some completion, a turn of the page for all of us - us and these three kiddos.

Ultimately, I want Jesus to be glorified in it all!

I'm holding on to this verse.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you His peace at all times and in every situation." II Thess. 3:16

And this verse. "May He give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do. Then the name of our Lord Jesus will be honored because of the way you live, and you will be honored along with him." II Thess. 1:11-12

And this. "But the Lord is faithful, He will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." II Thess. 3:3

Oh and this one too! "May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ" II Thess. 3:5

I love you all! Let's walk in obedience - one step at a time. He's got a plan for you and for me. Let's live all out for HIM!!

All I Really Want For Christmas

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!!

As we all celebrate Christmas with our families, let's not forget about the kids who are still waiting for their forever families. 500,000 in U.S. foster care. 129,000 of those ARE AVAILABLE TODAY for adoption. And on the broader scope, the MILLIONS of orphans overseas.

Will you pray with me for all the waiting kiddos this Christmas, especially the three who have specifically touched our hearts?

We haven't heard anything yet though today Raegan prayed at breakfast for them. "Lord help us to get those 3 kids TODAY." Wouldn't that be wonderful?! :)

I've had to really let go and surrender these kids to Jesus. As you can tell by my posts, they have consumed much of my thoughts. And I feel the Lord saying, Entrust them to Me. I love them more than you can even imagine. I have a plan for them. Don't try and figure it out, TRUST ME. And so once again and over and over I must open my hands to Him and let go. Let go. Let go. Let go and TRUST my Jesus.

Have a wonderful Christmas my dear friends!

I Can't Shake This Feeling...

Tonight I took my girls out for some last minute Christmas shopping. We had a strange encounter that still sends chills up my spine.

At one point, Paige stopped to unwrap and throw away a starburst. I was watching her the whole time from several feet away. An older man walked up to her and said something to her. She responded back and then he looked up, caught eyes with me, gave me kind of a thumbs up and walked away.

I quickly asked Paige what he said to her. Apparently he came up to her and said "Hi. Where's your Mom and Dad?" She told him where I was standing which is when he saw me and walked away.

Honestly, I didn't think too much of it then but since coming home and telling Clint, I feel really eerie about the whole thing. It could have been nothing but he could also have been up to some real trouble. It all makes me shudder. What do you think?

Thank You, thank You, thank You Lord for watching over my little girl.

So We Had a Birthday!

On Saturday, my Raegan turned 5!!!
Of course, there had to be some drama on the birthday of my little drama queen, though this time is wasn't from her! You see, I made this cake earlier in the day.

We don't really do big parties around here, instead we let the kids pick something special that we can do as a family. So of course Raegan picked Chuck-E-Cheese!

Being the very selfless mommy that I am (ahem) I said "Sure, baby whatever you want!"

Actually that isn't true. Instead, I cringed at the very thought of doing Chuck - E - Cheese again, and so I said "Raegan how about we all dress up and go out to a fancy restaurant for your birthday instead? Wouldn't that be fun?!!" Fortunately, for me Raegan is a girly girl and so she was all up for that idea!!

While we were getting ready later that night, we were of course were preoccupied. Everyone was upstairs, everyone except Hudson. Clint ran down to look for him and this is what he saw.


Oh yes.

Hudson was hiding under the table with frosting all over his face.

My boy does have a sweet tooth, yes he does. He's been known to wake up in the morning and get into leftover candy, granola bars, or once even a grape Popsicle. We typically find him in one of three places: hiding behind the chair in the living room, under the counter, or under the table.

And he ALWAYS has a guilty expression. Always.

And so, as we all sat around to eat birthday cake later that night, poor Hudson just had to sit. He had already had his share, and more!

So happy birthday Raegan! You are my crazy, hugable and lovable little red head. I love you so much!!

Out Of My Hands

Some things have been happening lately that have led us closer to "our" 3 kiddos. We have made contact with their social worker, I actually was able to talk to her on the phone yesterday! We sent our home study and our profile via fax the other day and she will review it along with several others that she has received. (It feels very much like before when birthmothers would look at our profile along with several others.)

The thing is we have not taken the foster care training classes yet, which are required before a child or children can be placed in our home. We'll be taking them Jan. - March. I have heard of instances where exceptions have been made and so that's what I'm hoping!

We already have our home study and our foster license, just not the specific classes. SO, this may be a big deterrent. The social worker may simply disregard us because of this. If so, that's obviously in the Lord's plan too.

The timing of all of this has not taken Him by surprise. He is in complete control. He has already used these kids to CHANGE Clint and me and to change our perspective and direct our passion to the hundreds of kids in the foster care system.

I have to say, I felt a little more discouraged tonight as I think that the likelihood of us getting these kids is probably slim. I've feared the pain of another "rejection" another NO. I am so ready to MOVE, to GO, to ACT. The Lord has filled me with His passion. He has changed my heart. I love Him and I just want to share Him with those in need, specifically these kids.

The waiting can get tiresome and yet I fully want to embrace this time because obviously God has us in this season for a reason. I just have to continually refocus on Him. His plan is perfect. His will is BEST. He knows the beginning and the end! He is my confidence and where I put all my trust! I just LOVE Him and I give Him all the GLORY.

Thanks for your prayers, for us...but even more for these kids, who by the way are all together in the same foster home, Praise God for that!

Have a great weekend, friends!

The Painful Reality

I saw this short video today and it just breaks my heart. This is what happens over and over to kids in the foster care system. We as Christians can do SOMETHING. I don't know what your responsibility is. Seek Him, be available to whatever He asks whether that be adoption, foster care, caring for the homeless, loving your neighbor down the street, the list goes on the on.

I love you, dear friends. Let's be about serving Him by serving others. Let's do this thing together. We are His Body.

Will you answer the C.A.L.L.? from The C.A.L.L. in Arkansas on Vimeo.

An Update But No Real News :)

Yesterday I typed in the search criteria to find "our" kids. Like usual, I typed "Oldest Child's Age" 6 and then hit "Search."

Immediately, my heart started beating faster and I felt a pit forming in my stomach as I COULDN'T FIND THEIR PICTURE.

"No, Lord - are you serious?? No..."

I quickly clicked on to the other photolisting site where their picture had also been and was relieved, yet confused to see their picture still there.

It was then I noticed something different.

The oldest "L" is no longer 6, she just turned 7. She must have had a birthday over the weekend or even today.

Both Clint and I felt a certain sadness for this little girl who we know only through one simple photo. I hope her foster family gave her a happy day. I hope she felt loved and special on her big day. I hope she got a birthday hug and kiss. 7 years. Wow...

We also realized immediately that she is about 1 month OLDER than our oldest, Paige. You hear a lot about the importance of adopting within birth order in the adoption world and we always felt like that was wise and something we planned to do.

BUT, so much has changed. I still don't know what the "right" thing to do is but I simply know that God has been leading this way and until He closes a door, we will continue to step forward. I did wonder how this would affect Paige, though.

Recently, I had talked with Paige about the possibility of "L" being just a few months older than her. "How would that make you feel, honey?"

Her response?

"Oh Mommy, right now when we play, I am always the Mommy or the Teacher but I would be happy for someone else to be the Mommy or the Teacher instead."

Love her!

Anyway, yesterday as I was praying, I felt burdened for my firstborn and now knowing for certain that "L" is older, how would she feel? I prayed that the Lord would just fill her with His perspective on the whole issue. And then I waited for her to come home from school.

Interestingly, she brought up the issue of wanting an older sister! So I took that moment to tell her the news. "Paige we just found out today that "L" just had her birthday and so she is 7 now, just about 1 month older then you."

Paige's blue eyes lit up with excitement and she was like "Yes!!" I asked her if that made her feel sad or strange at all?" Very matter of factly she said "Mom, I told you I wanted someone else to be the teacher or mommy, why would I be sad?"

Cool kid, cool. Thank You, Lord!

I don't know how she will feel in the future. Honestly, we can make it a big deal or we can keep the focus on others and on the Lord. And if she does struggle with the thought later on, we will be there to lovingly listen, understand, and even grieve that "loss" with her.

But as the Lord does with us, these times are ones where we are reminded, It's not about me. I want to learn this lesson more and I want my kids (all of them) to learn it as well. We need to be about others. Serving, caring, loving, sharing.

As I think about these kids, my heart hurts for them and I love them. But I've realized that it's still easy for me to focus on me. On how it will hurt ME if we don't get them. I'm embarrassed by my selfishness. After watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition last night (recorded from Sunday), I am more compelled and passionate about adopting them because they need a home, a family, a future.

I am also increasingly confident that we are on the right road as we pursue waiting children.

God knows where our journey will end (or really where it will begin) and I look forward to seeing what He has in store.

I love you all!

Calling All Prayer Warriors

Hey all!

This past Wednesday, we walked another step closer to "our" 3 kids. My social worker was able to leave a message on THEIR SOCIAL WORKER'S voicemail!!

I called my SW back on Friday and left her a message that went something like this. "Hi J, it's Jami, I am sure that you haven't heard anything about the kids because I know you would have called me, BUT I just need to know anyway, HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING???"

She called me back that same day to confirm that she hadn't heard a thing but was planning to call back on Monday (that is today).

Okay......so here's where your prayers come in. It seems that we could hear SOMETHING, soon. The right people are talking now which excites me (and my man) very much but I also feel very vulnerable. We don't know what to expect. Will we hear that they are already being adopted? What will we find out about their past? Will we hear that we just have to wait longer? What will we hear?

I continue to give the Lord my heart, my emotions, my hopes. On Wednesday, I felt like I physically handed my heart to Him keep me in Your hands Lord. I know He is big enough to protect me and my heart and I keep trusting He will.

He has got His hands all over this situation and so regardless of the outcome, we win. If we find out that we cannot adopt them, that would be very hard because our heart's our invested in them but we have been disappointed before and HE always shows up and draws us closer to Him.

If we find out we can adopt them, we will certainly be drawn closer to Him because we CAN'T do this on our own. And so either way, we win because LIFE is about knowing Jesus and sharing Him.

Will you pray with us? Prayers for their protection, prayers for the Lord's will to be done. Prayers that we would receive favor from their SW, if we are to be their family? That if they are our kids, that they would come home soon! Raegan prayed last night that they would come home in 5 days!! :) So we wait.

Thanks friends, I praise God for you all!

ONLY God

Hello friends! Happy Monday!

I gotta tell you this story...

On Thanksgiving, I was telling my cousin the story I shared with you all on Wednesday. As I was talking about those three dear kiddos, she asked "What are their names?"

I started with the oldest, "L" and then "T..." She stopped me before I told her the youngest child's name and said "J???!!!"

My jaw dropped and my stomach did a flip flop as I stuttered out the words, "H..O..W do you know them?"

Apparently, last spring my cousin's friends SAW their picture, INQUIRED about them, and were PRAYING about ADOPTING them!

My cousin was also PRAYING for these 3 kids, "our" 3 kids this past spring/summer!!!

Is that not crazy?!! It didn't work out for her friends to adopt them, and soon after they actually adopted an infant but they were PRAYING for these children.

AMAZING...

It is quite obvious to me that God has his hands on these kids. He has a specific plan for them (as He does for us all) and I don't know if we are just another link in the "prayer chain" or if we are their forever family but I do know that this was no coincidence.

God is working, He is moving and I am so humbled and thankful to be on this ride.

I don't know what His plan is for me and my family, but I do know I don't want to miss it! He is the Lamp guiding my every step, I don't need to know what tomorrow will bring, I just need to trust Him today and walk in obedience. Step by Step. This is my prayer for you too.

Open up your hands, give him your heart, your finances, your home, your life. Give Him everything and He WILL give back in greater ways than we can imagine.

My heart is so full right now. I feel so blessed, so loved, so excited! Life with Him is AMAZING!

I love you all. Know that I would love to talk with you or pray with you...anytime.

Even more, know that He would too. Don't miss Him today.

The Rest of the Story...for now!

Hello, hello! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to finish this story...at least as much of the story that I can finish. I apologize for the length but there is so much happening right now! Let's get to it.

I left you when I was sitting down to do my Bible Study. If you haven't read the first part to this story, you may want to click here and then here.

Here we go.

The title of my assignment that day was "For Such a Time as This." I was quite intrigued and excited to see what the Lord was going to say. And as usual, he blew me away!

This is what I read (written by Beth Moore). "We can refuse to walk in obedience to God or cower in fear from our calling and He will undoubtedly still accomplish His agenda. As for us, however, we will pass up the fulfillment of our own entire life-purpose and we - and perhaps even "our father's family" - will miss a mighty work. Frighteningly, perhaps even a mighty deliverance. One of our biggest obstacles in our most important moments "for such a time as this" is the difficulty of the destiny - serving task." (emphasis mine).

Earlier that day, my dad had called me to tell me he just watched a segment on FOX news talking about adoption of WAITING CHILDREN out of foster care (which is free, or very low cost, by the way.) My dad is the president of an orphan care ministry and told me that I needed to look into this because this could affect more than just our family, maybe this is something the ministry needed to become more involved in and He asked me to see what I could find out about it.

So later, when I read "even our father's family..." I was like "wow".

And, I continued reading. "None of our purposes will be fulfilled easily. All of them will require the most difficult decisions we think we can make. Decisions that we may feel will practically kill us. Then God does something miraculous and we become something we're not. That's when "who knows" becomes "I know."

Okay, okay, okay. I have to rewind a bit again.

The day before I called our social worker (from our local agency) and explained to her how God had been changing our hearts and wanted to ask her several questions about adopting waiting children out of foster care.

When she asked me if I was thinking about a child younger than Hudson. "Oh no, not necessarily" I told her. "Is that even possible?" To which she replied, "Who are you??" (Our SW has been with us since we first started the international adoption process to get Hudson more than 3 years ago. So she knows me well!)

"Actually, I have had in mind a little 6 year old African American girl. This is kind of silly but do you know of a 6 year old AA girl who needs a family??" (The night after God reminded me "It's not about you," I just started thinking of a 6 year old little girl, in fact Hudson woke up in the middle of the night and she came to mind immediately - which is why I asked our SW the question.)

Again, she asked "WHO are you??!" I just laughed and told her, "It's not me, it's God."

So back to what I was reading. Remember what Beth wrote, "Then God does something miraculous and we become something we're not. That's when "who knows" becomes "I know."

Friends, God has done some major heart changing over here. By this point, Clint and I both felt certain that God was steering us in a different direction than we originally thought.

We are committing to walk in obedience and follow Him every step of the way. So, what does this means for us now?

It means we have talked to our agency (Lifeline Children's Services) asking them to put our profile on hold. We are stepping out in faith - closing a door, in a very real sense to the possibility of adopting an infant and are now pursuing adoption of waiting children.

(Waiting Children are those who are "legally free" - meaning they are currently available for adoption - 129,000 children in the U.S. - 129,000 children who have NO one to call Mommy and Daddy).

Saturday, November 21st.

Up until this point, I hadn't really looked online at pictures of waiting kids. In fact, I didn't quite know where to start. But on that Saturday, after waking up from a nap, I decided to do a little searching. Earlier that day Clint and I discussed the possibility of adopting a sibling group.

The conversation went like this.

Me: "Clint would you ever consider adopting a sibling group?"

Clint: "I think so. Sure."

Me: "I think so too.... But not more than 3, right?? I really don't want to drive a big van!" (ahem)

Sooo, with that conversation in mind, I entered into the search box. Max. # of kids: 3

And with the little 6 year old girl in mind, I entered: Max age of child: 6

Then, I started looking at pictures and reading profiles. It was then that I saw an African American sibling group of 3.

6 year old Girl
5 year old Boy
4 year old Girl

And, friends - I haven't been able to stop thinking about them!! As I read their profile, I kept thinking, they seem like MY kids.

I called Clint, who was out on an errand and said I found kids on the Internet. He said, "Did you discipline them?"

Realizing he thought our kids had gotten on the computer, I laughed and said, "No, I found KIDS on the Internet.

"Oh I thought you found OUR kids," he said.

"Maybe I did." I told him.

"They are 6, 5, and 4." To which he said, "Oh dear...." But after seeing them, he said, "I see why you're thinking this."

AND NOW...

Clint and I both feel peaceful and excited to pursue adopting these kids. We have taken initial steps - like inquiring about them but haven't heard anything yet.

We realize that this is a very big deal. We realize that these kids have been through a lot and it would likely be a difficult transition BUT we also realize that IT IS NOT ABOUT US. And, that as long as we follow where the Lord is leading, we don't need to fear.

We are trusting Him. We are following Him. Just walking through the doors that open in front of us. If He leads us another way, we'll change our course. But for now - I am hopeful, prayerful, and really excited about the possibility of these kids being ours. And that my friends, is not me. It's the work of God in my heart!

And our kids are hopeful too. They understand that this means we would not be getting a baby and they want these kids to be ours.

So, the adventure continues. I have no CLUE what's ahead, but I do KNOW the One who does and I have total confidence in Him!! Please pray with us and for these three kiddos who I have quite simply fallen in love with.

Would you pray that they would be protected physically, emotionally, mentally. That the Lord would prepare them for their forever family. That they would be adopted into a loving Christian family....hopefully ours.

This is my prayer!

Thanks friends! I love you all!

We Simply Can't Ignore This!

Oh friends! You all make me laugh. Sorry to keep you hanging! I had to focus all my time preparing to speak to a M.O.M.S. group on Friday and I just haven't had time to fill you in on what's been going on.

To you women, from M.O.M.S - you absolutely blessed me on Friday! Thanks for being there.

Onto the story...

I was in California for a Lifesong For Orphans event, the weekend before last and while there I knew we were being considered by a birth mom who wanted an open adoption. I felt such a heart for her and really had such a sense of expectation like this was the one. I was feeling so strongly (more than ever) that this was our time. Time for action! I had such a sense of urgency and excitement.

After arriving home the next day I was listening to the radio when I heard a powerful message, entitled "Orphan Care: Accepting the Call" by Kay Warren (wife of Pastor Rick Warren). Listen here. Seriously. Take a few minutes and listen. You may never be the same.

After Kay spoke, Jim Daily (President and CEO of Focus on the Family) came to discuss the issue of waiting children living in foster care all over the United states. (These "waiting" children are "legally free" for adoption - meaning their birth parents have relinquished all their rights to parent - these kids are in every sense orphaned. As I understand it, these children are older than one year, or have special medical, emotional, or behavioral needs, or may be sibling groups that need to stay together.)

I started thinking about these children. Who are they? Where are they? With these thoughts running through my mind, my kids and I headed out to the grocery store. As we were walking up to the door, I met another mom whose son caught my eye right away - I knew he had to be from Guatemala. With that common bond, we started talking and I shared with her that we were in process again and actually being considered by a birth mom. She then shared that she and her husband just finished taking foster classes and were interested in adopting a waiting child.

"Really! It's so interesting that you said that because I was just thinking about waiting children on the way here." I told her. It was most definitely a God moment - I could just tell. I pulled out my blackberry and asked her for her email address. "We need to talk more." Then she quickly leaned over - right there in Aldi's - and prayed for me. I knew I was going to like this girl!

After finishing up at the grocery store, I headed home feeling tired and quite frankly a little crabby! With grocery bags strewn all over the floor, I sat down to check my email before unpacking bags. It was then that I got this email from Karen.

"Jami, pardon me if I have a little confusion. Your profile has been shown often so I really have to think about it. Both of the girls asking for an open adoption have chosen another family. You were shown to two of them. Then your profile was shown to a Hispanic woman. She has narrowed down the profiles to about 6 and yours was one of the ones she returned as eliminated. You have been shown 4 or 5 times in recent months. I can't think of any reason other than it's not your time. It could be because you already have 3 children and most BM's want to place with childless couples. So don't get discouraged. (I know that's easy for me to say). There are some births coming up in 2010, which is just around the corner. I will show you as often as I can. Your openness is helping."

I just stared at the screen for awhile and then looked over at the groceries which seems like a daunting task. I felt numb. So weak. So disappointed. So sad.

After awhile I called Clint and told him the news. Several times I had to drop to my knees and just cry out to God. Why Lord? I don't understand? This hurts so bad. I need You. I need Your perspective. I need Your energy.

There, in my kitchen, I heard Him gently say, "It's not about you." Think about these waiting children who are longing for a family. And as only God can do, my perspective began to change. I also began to feel energized and motivated whereas before I just wanted to lay down and cry. It was an amazing moment. He is Amazing!

The next day, I headed off to Bible study where we are going through "Esther" by Beth Moore. In the video, she talked about "The Reversal of Destiny," those times that "God appoints or allows circumstances (often crises) in our lives to redirect our paths."

Okay, I was listening!

She went on to talk about the word, "Peripety" (which I had never heard of before but LOVE now!) Listen to this definition. "A sudden turn of events that reverses the expected or intended outcome." She went on to say, "Peripety is the hinge on which destiny turns!"

The Lord then gave me a thought, that made me pause; It's not about bringing a child to our family, it's about bringing our family to a child.

Beth said, "A peripeteia swiftly turns a routine sequence of events into a story worth telling."

Friends, there is so much more to this story but I really need to go to bed right now! I'm hoping to finish it tomorrow or Wednesday but I'll leave you with this little "teaser," because that's what I like to do. (hee hee)

I went home from Bible Study a little overwhelmed, a little flustered, a little nervous, and still unsure of exactly what this would mean for us. Because if in fact, the Lord was directing us toward a waiting child (which it seemed) then likely I was going to have to face the death of a dream. The dream of having a baby again.

After putting the kids down for quiet time, I sat with the Lord and picked up my Esther study again. I hadn't finished the last 2 days of the previous lesson and so I opened up the book. I opened up directly to an empty page but quickly realized I had missed another day earlier in the study. Any guesses on what the title of the lesson I had missed, weeks before?

"For Such A Time As This."

More soon... ; )

Breathless

Friends - you are wonderful! Thanks so much for your prayers, for your love.

I gotta tell you that the Lord - as always - has given me a fresh perspective. He is on the move, my friends. He is up to something and I am excited to the very core of my soul. I don't know the end - the road is still very unknown but it seems that He may be taking us a whole different direction on this adoption journey and I want to be along for the ride! It seems that we could be in the middle of something very big and beyond us.

Pray pray pray, will you?! I will fill you in more later.

Can we just all shout, PRAISE JESUS?!!!

Raw Emotions

Hello faithful bloggy friends.

How to say this? We just got another NO. The most recent birth mom (#5 since Sept. 1) chose another family. This one hit me hard. My heart still hurts and I don't fully understand but Clint and I both have a strong sense that God is calling us to action. It just may look different then we were originally thinking. A lot of things have happened even today that we can't ignore. I'll be more specific another day but will you just pray for guidance, wisdom, and clarity.

Please also pray for me as I quite simply....hurt. I was feeling so expectant - so expectant that this was our time. It still may be. Just not how I expected.

I know God is up to something and I don't doubt Him but that doesn't mean the tears don't fall.

Thanks for your love, for your support and prayers. I love you, dear friends.

Winner!

I am excited to say that Donna is the winner of EMBRACING YOUR FREEDOM! I'll get that to you soon, my friend!

Revival: Bring it On!

***I'm giving away a copy of Embracing Your Freedom by Susie Larson. Leave a comment by Sunday night and I'll post a winner on Monday!***

It's 6:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. I woke up at 5:30 to find myself squished between a sleeping husband and a sleeping Hudson! And so I moved by dear son back to his bed and then tried to fall back asleep (because 6:00 is early, people!) Instead, I found my mind racing.

Yesterday I went to a kickboxing class at the gym. I've often joked that I don't have enough aggression in me to throw big, bad punches and kicks. While telling that to a wonderful woman of God who happened to be kicking with me, she said that she focuses her fight on the enemy of our soul. I've been reading Susie Larson's book Embracing Your Freedom which talks about "God's heart for our personal freedom, for the plight of the suffering, and for a conviction to get involved with His work among those in need."

So I've been thinking of and praying for the twenty seven million modern day slaves around the world and yesterday I fought for them in Kick class. And, I fought for Christians who are living life doing the "right" things yet not even scratching the service of God's best for them. For Christians who are saved and yet floundering because they are caught in bondage to insecurity, fear, bitterness, and on it goes. For Christians who read the Bible because it's something they "should" do but are missing Him.

I took one hour to focus on what Satan is trying to do and every time I thought about him stealing our freedom, I punched harder and I prayed harder. My dear instructor friend even commented how I was in the zone and she was "scared of me!" By cool down, I had to make a mental shift "Okay Lord, now I need to focus on all of the people that I love again!" I walked out of that class breathless both physically and emotionally.

Friends, we need revival! Jesus calls us to live in FREEDOM but Satan wants nothing more than to steal that from us and He's doing it! Please know that my spirit is on fire right now but I am not speaking out of anger. My heart is burdened because I love you. I hurt when I see Christians missing Him. Jesus came to give Life and not only that but ABUNDANT life!

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10 NKJV

Revival doesn't come from an event. Revival does not come in an arena full of loud music, powerful teaching, and profound worship. These experiences are amazing and hopefully leave us with a hunger and thirst for God Himself. But I believe true revival comes from getting down on our knees and doing the hard stuff of letting go of "me." Getting to know and love the ONE Himself. Living a life of obedience. Expecting Him to speak and then getting quiet enough to hear Him. Looking for Him every single day and allowing Him to FREE us.

That's the stuff of revival.

"And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with ALL your heart." Jer. 29:13 NKJV

I don't know where you are at today but I am praying for you, my bloggie friends. Praying that you will experience Him today because He is absolutely AMAZING!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Gal. 5:1

Making the Most of Motherhood

Aw, friends thanks so much for all of your comments here and on facebook from yesterday's post. Thanks for your prayers, words of encouragement and support. I have to tell you that my heart has been full of flutteries. And, I have felt like dancing - sometimes you just gotta do a jig, you know?!! The Lord is up to something and I am just excited to see what it is!!

Friends, this adventure called faith - there is NOTHING like it! I'm praying that we will all get to know Jesus more and more. He is AMAZING!

On another note, I have been preparing a talk to give to a lovely group of moms for November 20th. My topic: Making the Most of Motherhood.

Interestingly enough, since getting the request to speak on this topic, motherhood as been more challenging than ever! I firmly believe that He gave me this speaking assignment to change a lot of things in my own life. I have learned (and still am learning) oh so much.

Today I would love to hear from the moms out there. Even if you only have time to answer one question (particularly #1), I'd really appreciate it. And feel free to answer anonymously.

1. Do you find it challenging to make the most of your season of motherhood? Why or why not?

2 What has been the most (or one of the most) difficult aspect of your mothering journey?

3. What is one of the greatest (perhaps unexpected) blessings of your motherhood journey?

4. What is one of the best pieces of advice you've received as a mom?

Thanks so much my friends! I would absolutely love to pray for you. If you have a specific concern or request, just email me! Enjoy your Tuesday all!

Adoption Update - Another Twist On This Ride!

Hey friends - I could use your prayers right now.

The Lord has been working. He's been speaking to me a lot about timing, trust, and faith. I was at Living Proof Live this weekend with Beth Moore. She is an amazing and hilarious women of God and such a gifted speaker. The Lord spoke powerfully this weekend and He's still talking.

I feel like He's been telling me to come more boldly to Him. To risk the possibility of disappointment and allow myself to feel desire for this baby, to ask Him for what I want. I'm His child after all! :)

The truth is, I know that He knows me better than I know myself and so I've been kind of afraid to boldly say, I want to hear about this baby. I want it to be a yes! I want to move on. It's time! I do feel those things but I also trust Him enough to know that if He says no to my request, there is a reason.

So today I got on my knees and asked Him. "Lord I want to know today. I want to hear today. Today." I just have felt so strongly that the time is near. He has been speaking so strongly to that effect. Over and over I'm hearing about His Timing. Promises. Trust. Hope. Action.

I'm telling you, I feel quite vulnerable even posting this because I am still processing everything. But, I also really want your prayers. I just want to follow Jesus. Obey His leading. Do what He says and so that's what I'm trying to do!

Soon after I asked the Lord to answer today, the phone rang. "Uhhh Lord, could this be?" And as soon as I heard the southern accent of our dear social worker, Karen I was like "wow..."

We've been waiting to hear a decision from a young birth mom. But this is not why Karen called.

She called to ask if she could show our profile to another birth mom! What made this situation interesting is that this birth mom wants a completely open adoption. This is not something we were quite prepared for and honestly scares me. And then again it excites me. God has certainly been working on my heart over this past year and just recently, like today or yesterday I prayed Lord, I want to minister to our birth mom, I want to meet her and know her more than just once if possible.

So I called Clint and we both just feel like we need to be available. I trust God enough to know that whatever happens, He is here. I've heard horror stories and I've heard amazing God stories about how open adoptions work. I'm choosing to trust that God is sovereign and He knows our story. No matter what, He will be with us.

Now there is still a chance that we could be chosen by the "first" birth mom. She has not made a decision. It has been a few weeks and they are encouraging to make one soon because this "newest" birth mom wants to see profiles as soon as THIS afternoon. But she can't see ours until the other one makes a decision. Is this crazy??!!

So I'm feeling a little breathless. It reminds me of the last roller coaster we rode on our vacation. At the very top, the coaster crept over the edge of a mammoth hill and then stopped. So for 5 LONG seconds, we just waited, hanging over the edge of the big adventure. That's how I feel. It's exhilarating, it's exciting, and it's terrifying! Please pray!!

Presenting....

"The Red Singer"

"The Cat Princess"
"The Happy Rooster"

What a gang!
And they're off!

Now, that's Halloween's over, I'm breaking out the Christmas music!! YAY!!

Waiting. Learning. Living!

Last night we were blessed to have four extra children in our home. My niece and 3 nephews. I love these kids!! All SEVEN children played amazingly well, so well that Clint and I spent much of the evening reading.

A couple of years ago, we didn't think this day would come. But they are now older and more able to play independently and they really love being together! That is a huge blessing!

Bedtime came and so I took the 3 boys and read Thomas the Train books (no surprise there) while Clint read to the 3 girls. The youngest of the clan just meandered from room to room, happily opening and shutting doors. I felt a little like breaking out a stunning rendition of The Brady Bunch but I refrained.

After kisses and hugs, I picked up the baby who is not really a baby anymore (soon to be 2) and took him to his room for the night. As I held him, I sang a little love song. Holding him there in my future baby's room, I felt an ache in my heart. Without really thinking, I starting singing "Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus." (I break out in song many times a day so that's not unusual!) But, the words of the song comforted me and again drew my eyes to my Jesus.

I just stood there for a time holding my sweet little nephew and lifted up an honest prayer to the Lord. It was a moment to cherish.

We still haven't heard from our social worker so I have no idea whether or not this birth mom has made a decision. By His grace, I'm choosing to wait with hope. Not necessarily a hope that we will get our baby soon (or even ever), but a hope that goes so much deeper. I'm hoping in Jesus and in His great and perfect plan that He has for our family and for me personally. I know that God is Good and I'm choosing to trust Him, more than my emotions and even more than my natural desires.

He is my greatest desire and I simply want to know Him more!

Our adoption journey is teaching me so many profound lessons and if we hadn't gone through the hurt, the disappointments, and the changes to my plans - I would have missed out on so much.

I honestly wouldn't change one thing because my eyes have been opened. I view life differently than I did before. It's in the letting go, letting go of our will and putting our faith in Him no matter what, that true LIFE is found! And this is what I must continue to remember. That even now, when the waiting seems long and tiresome, He has more to teach me. And I want to learn. I don't want to miss a thing.

Our story does not end when we get baby. Yes, baby will bring about a new chapter, one I look to with great anticipation but my baby is not what my soul really longs for. Jesus alone answers the cry of my heart.

The journey is the destination (where did I hear that saying before?). I'm not trying to steal credit for that line but I will say it again. The journey is the destination and I want to fully experience Him along the way!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Fly Lady has flown the coop!

**FYI: I haven't heard anything regarding this birthmom's decision. Just waiting, trusting, praying, hoping, wondering... Praying that God will prepare my heart for what He has in store.***

Now on to today's post...

I have a confession. I sent Fly Lady to my SPAM folder!

As much as I love her perspective on home management, I really do, her emails were just simply taking over my inbox.

I have another confession. I haven't been shining my sink very regularly. Nor have I been making my bed every day. And laundry. Oh laundry. The chaos comes and goes. But as much as I thought I had changed, I haven't.

Well, maybe a little. I'm in process.

But the fact of the matter is this, I am not Susie Q Homemaker! (BIG shocker, right! wink* wink*) I'm just not. And I guess that's okay. :)

For one entire month, I was flying pretty, but then I stopped reading Fly Lady's emails. And I stopped following the rules. And then I sent Fly Lady to my spam box. Oh dear.

I am the type of gal who gets all excited at the beginning of a project but when it starts to drag on, my momentum starts to fizzle. That's not a very good quality, no it's not.

The last time I posted about Fly Lady, I was doing oh so good and I guess I just don't want to leave anyone with a false assumption. So there you have it, my friends!

On a side note: Last night I did some blog keeping and finally learned how to add tabs (Click here to find how how you can do the same) to my header. SO FUN!! I could have been washing the dishes that were in the sink from dinner but that can wait, now can't it?!
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I'm a work in progress...in all areas of my life. The Lord is so faithful to hang right with me through it all. I love Him and I love you my dear friends!

A birthday party to remember, oh yes!

My Hudson turned 3 a couple of weeks ago. I'd say it's high time he gets his birthday post! We decided to take the family to Chucky Cheese (Chunk - In Cheese as he calls it).

We went on a Monday night assuming that it would not be busy. WRONG! There were at least 2 other BIG birthday parties and several other full tables. It was a madhouse - I guess we should have expected that!

Add lots of noise, 2 grumpy parents (even before we got there...that's no good, I tell you), very lukewarm and overpriced pizza and the fact that Hudson was completely freaked out by "Chunk - In Cheese" himself. Oh we had a party people!

Look at them, they are just ooozing with excitement! :)

I made a Thomas cake earlier in the day which we took along. I have to say, I was pretty proud of my efforts! For me, this is good...really!

The night did get a little better when we started playing.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say Clint even enjoyed himself!

Hudson - we weren't completely sure about.

The fact that Chucky Cheese was always hanging around made my little man quite nervous.

He had trouble focusing on anything else.





Every now and then I would say, how you doing bud? Are you having fun. And this is what he'd give me.
And then he'd go right back to this! It was quite hilarious actually!

In the end I'd say he enjoyed himself but now the girls think they need to come here for their birthdays. In December AND January. Surely we can find a more delightful way to celebrate their big days....SURELY!

Sometimes You Just Gotta Laugh

Do you remember when I found clumps of hair all over Raegan's bedroom?

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Ah, yes my Raegan and Samantha have had some rough times in the past. Well the saga has continued. Just the other day I found my hairless, yet classic American Girl Doll, Samantha with graffiti all over her once lovely face.

Any guesses on who did it?

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You'd think maybe she'd try and disguise her mischievous deeds, but no.

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That's my dear, dear red head. This girl is pure drama.

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Sometimes she makes me laugh so hard and other times, all I can do is sigh. A long slooooow sigh.

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As for today, I am thanking God for the lively and often unexpected moments she brings into my life.

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A Unique Business

Happy Monday all!

On Saturday we spent a few hours in our yard - raking, mowing, pulling weeds, and cutting down the old dead flowers in our landscaping. It was a glorious day! As rough as Thursday afternoon was, Saturday was the opposite.

The weather was beautiful; the kids were happy and we were happy! Don't you just love those days, those absolutely GOOD days?!

Anyway, we created quite a pile of leaves and foliage. At one point after disappearing into the house, Paige trotted out carrying a basket and a note.

Basically she was looking for leaves. Each leaf cost a hefty $25.00. So not only did she want your leaf, she also wanted your money! I asked her what she would give in return to which she responded, "Nothing. I would just say thank you!"

My favorite part is that she wanted to raise money to give to children who don't have food or clothes. See that "money for poor." :)

She stood by the curb and waited for cars to go by. At one point, we were chatting and we saw a car driving towards us. She immediately stopped the conversation and started waving her note and basket. Unfortunately, the car just drove on by!

Aw, Paige I love your heart!

Enjoy your Monday, my friends!! Praying that you receive some unexpected blessings from the Lord today!

Feeling Low?

Do you ever have those days when you just feel crummy? When little things seem big and small annoyances make you feel like you're going to lose it? When you simply feel run down and overwhelmed?

That was me today. I thought I would share with you a few excerpts from my journal because I have to imagine, I'm not the only one who deals with these feelings.

"Lord, I need You desperately. I feel overwhelmed, down, no energy, just low. Everything feels big."

To be quite honest, I struggle with these types of emotions nearly every four weeks. :) And I hate when I feel this way. Hate it!

I went on to say...

"I know that nothing else - no matter how tempting it is to believe - nothing not food, coffee, friends, Clint, TV...will renew me. ONLY You can and so today with weak hands reaching out I ask you to fill me."

"I look forward to a nap and just time to be with You alone. I pray for a peaceful afternoon Lord. That would be wonderful!"

Not long after writing that....

"I hear Hudson crying in bed. Help me Lord. I am tired."

Sighing, I heaved myself off the couch and went up to help Hudson.

Later on I did get a chance to lay down but Hudson struggled way more than normal. In fact He NEVER slept. For 2 hours, I was up and down and I can tell you I wasn't happy about it. At one point I even got really grumpy with the Lord, "I asked you for a peaceful afternoon Lord!!"

After awhile I gave up on Hudson napping and just let him play. I decided to take a long hot shower (my 2nd one for the day). I think I just wanted to start the day over! :)

While I was getting ready, I thought about how this day would go down as a BAD one. But then I heard His Spirit in me say - Why does the rest of your day have to be bad? You don't have to let the past few hours define your entire day. You don't have to just get by.

Hmmmm. And slowly my attitude started to change.

This is the cool part!

Earlier, I had asked the Lord to fill me up so that when Clint came home I would have energy and love to give him.

By the time He came home, I was a different girl! And it wasn't because I had compelled myself to change, I just felt different! I was happy, motivated, and energized. While we were eating I told Clint that it had been a really tough afternoon. He was surprised because he saw none of that in me.

I LOVE THE LORD! Seriously, He is so AWESOME. He is so real!

Adoption Update, Please Pray

Yesterday was kind of crazy. I got an email from our social worker asking if I could send more profiles ASAP. There is another birth mom (due in January) who is ready to look at profiles and we don't have any more left. This is the 4th birth mom to look at our profile since September 1st!

I ran right out to Fed Ex/Kinkos. After making copies and binding them, I shipped them off. 30 minutes and ~$90.00 later, they were off! They should land in Birmingham, Alabama today before 10:30 a.m. Whoo hoo!

This birth mom looked at some profiles yesterday and will see ours tomorrow!

So the journey continues!

Will you pray with me for this dear birth mom and for her baby? Prayers for wisdom, clarity, and peace. I would love for her to be lifted up as she makes this most difficult decision. I can't imagine what she is feeling right now.

I would be absolutely excited if this was our baby, absolutely... BUT I know now more than ever that it very well might not be our time. I am trusting in the Lord's timing, in His will. I truly want to learn whatever He wants to teach me through this.

I want to make the most of this season. To LIVE life to the fullest and not just sit and wait.

(Side note: Yesterday I wasn't quite living to the fullest, I was very irritable - not adoption related...just hormones I believe! In fact, I apologized to Raegan for being so grouchy and what did she say? "You're always grouchy." Ouch! Hopefully that's not true! Oh how I need the Lord!!) :)

But the point is, I don't want to settle. Recently, we went to an amusement park where I rode an amazing roller coaster! Feeling safe in my harness I let go, raised my hands in the air, and enjoyed every drop and turn. It was so thrilling, so exciting, so much fun!

Though this roller coaster ride called adoption hasn't been fun necessarily, it has been quite a ride. And I'm learning that with the arms of Jesus wrapped tightly around me, I have nothing to fear. So I am letting go, raising my hands in the air, and trusting in Him.

Whatever happens, I want to live life abundantly! Loving Him and loving others is what it's all about. So I want to be focused on that.

So we'll see, my friends!

It's not easy being a mom!

Happy Monday, my friends!

Last night our family went out to one of our favorite restaurants, Schlotzkys Deli! As we were eating Clint started asking Paige some questions. Somehow we got on the subject of habits which then moved on to whining and the bad habit that they sometimes have with whining. :)

Paige - our 6 year old said "Well, kids have a bad habit with whining, but grownups have a bad habit of being grouchy."

Us? Grouchy? Never!

She went on to say that we are grouchy whenever we wake up from taking a nap and when we wake up in the morning! "We kids wouldn't be so whiny if you weren't so grouchy."

I guess she has a point! :)

I remember someone saying that you should always wake up before your kids because then you can welcome them into your day instead of being instantly frustrated by them interrupting your sleep.

Most of the time, they are my alarm and it's true I am often grouchy about it. The days that I do get up early, the entire morning runs so much smoother. Have you found this to be true in your home?

You know the old saying "If Mama aint' happy, aint' nobody happy." Isn't that the truth?! More consistently than not, my attitude directly affects my family. The way I welcome my husband home sets a tone for the evening. The amount of patience I display when guiding my kids through the day, affects how quick (or not) they are to obey.

Of course, I am not responsible for the individual choices my family makes but by design, the way I respond to them does affect them. That's a big responsibility and one I can't do it alone!

I desperately need Jesus. I need Him to fill me throughout the day so that His love can overflow onto my family and those around me. I need His patience, His perspective, and His grace when I mess up.

May we make time with Him a priority today. Not as another item to check off the list but because we need Him. He's got a plan and purpose for us today! Let's be purposeful this week.

Freedom isn't Free

Hello dear friends! I honestly can't quite believe I haven't written a post since October 1st but alas it's true. I'm hoping to get back in the saddle again!

We just returned from a vacation with my family to Washington D.C. and Williamsburg, VA. It was absolutely lovely - no little children were allowed!! All the grandkids stayed at home (and had a blast I might add) and so we had complete freedom!

What a trip to think about freedom though. As we walked (and walked) all over D.C., I was struck by the sacrifices made by so many throughout our nation's history and even now. I'm humbled as I think of the men and women who have sacrificed their lives to fight for our freedom.
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While in Colonial Williamsburg, Clint was called on to join General George Washington's army. I was quite proud! Isn't he cute? I mean really!

Seriously though, when he marched away with the others it made me think about how painful that would have been to see him go.

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A young husband leaving his wife and 3 little kids to fight for freedom.

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It's hard for me to imagine and yet that's the reality facing many American families today.

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So let's be praying for these families. I can't pretend to know or understand what they are experiencing but I can pray to the One who does.

Change is good, Change is hard!

It's been quite an emotional week for me. I'm on this journey of faith with the Lord and once again He's stretched me, called me to obedience, and blessed me beyond measure! I love Him!!

Last week I made the very painful decision to quit my job as fitness instructor.

This has been a job I've done for 3 years and LOVED but the Lord in His gentle and loving way has showed me that I needed to let this go. Today I told my class which was so hard but I had to do it. I told them at the end of the workout and during our final stretch, I thought I was going to throw up or pass out, maybe both! Lots of nerves!!

Here is the email (with a few small changes) I sent to my co-workers last night. It explains all.

Hey friends -

Over the past several months, the Lord has been teaching me about rest. He's made it clear to me that I had been over committed and too busy. That is why I cut back my teaching load from 4 classes a week to 1 class. It's been several weeks since I did that but I now realize that it wasn't enough.

Girls, this is so hard for me to say but I have made the decision that I am quitting my job as instructor. I told Eren about this last week and I'm going to announce this in my class tomorrow. And will teach for 2 (right Eren?) more weeks.

This has been a decision I haven't taken lightly - I've shed so many tears and I wrestled with what to do but this is what I have come to realize.

I am passionate about Jesus and my family. I am passionate about adoption. I am passionate about encouraging women to find freedom and purpose in Jesus Christ.

BUT, I am not passionate about fitness.

I love exercising, I love making exercise fun and challenging for women, but I simply can't do it all.

And I really can't do it all WELL.

And for me to spend a lot of time, energy, and money on fitness, well honestly I just don't want to do that anymore. Life is too short to be frazzled and run ragged and that is how I was feeling much of the time in regards to the gym. I need to focus my time and energy on what He's given me passion for.

This is what I felt Him saying, "Jami you can keep doing what is good but in that you will miss out on what is best." I don't want to just get by in life, I want to experience God's best for me! I want to be open and available to do His work. And I trust Him so much more than I trust myself.

I actually talked to Eren last Tuesday night. I prepared to go in and tell her I needed to be done but on the way over, I freaked out. I got scared. How could I possibly leave what I love? We talked and I told her I was confused and unsure and so I left feeling heavy inside.

I woke up around 4 times that night and just felt inner turmoil. I truly didn't know what to do. The next day I took Rae to preschool, came home and turned on a Thomas movie for Hudson and went upstairs. Then I fell on my bed for an hour and just prayed "Lord show me."

Through that time, it became clear to me that I had not been completely willing to let go of "my" plan. And if I'm really honest, my pride. I was afraid of what quitting would mean for me. What it would feel like. How would it affect Eren, Daf, you all, and the ladies. BUT, when I focused on Jesus - I knew what I needed to do.

While I was wrestling with the decision, I cried and cried. In fact that day on the way to preschool, I was talking to my sister on the phone and of course started crying. From the backseat, I heard the sweet voice of one of my kids saying "Mom's crying again..."! :) The day before while on the phone again with a sister, I was crying about this and Paige came over to me. "Mommy, did you hear about the baby?" (we're being considered by a birth mom right now)

I told her "No..." She said "Because Raegan said you've been crying a lot."

Oh girls I'm a mess!

The exciting thing is though - when I finally let go, really let go of my will, obeyed the Lord and called Eren to tell her I needed to quit, my eyes have been dry. Well mostly! But I am so peaceful with my decision. It's hard because I love teaching and I have wavered with my decision (maybe I can do this...), but I KNOW I am being obedient to Jesus and because of this I feel SO FREE!

I love my kids!

Today I'm enjoying my blessings!!

Hudson takes his trains, Thomas and James EVERYWHERE he goes! :)

Thank you Jesus!

In the waiting...

On September 1st we found out that there was a Hispanic birth mom who was going to be looking at our profile. She was due in January. Then on the 16th of this month we found out that she chose another family. At the same time we also found out that there was another birth mom who was going to be looking at our profile.

It's been nearly 2 weeks since then and she hasn't made a decision yet. Last I knew she still was considering us but had asked if there were any other profiles to see. The Lord has been talking to me a lot about trusting in His timing. He reminds me through many things I read and hear that He LOVES me and has it all under control but the waiting is hard.

And I feel for this sweet young birthmom too. Obviously she is struggling over this decision. It's most likely the toughest decision of her life. Sometimes I feel so selfish as I struggle through this time. What about her? What is she thinking right now? What is she feeling? Will you please pray for her?

For me, it's a different kind of waiting when I know we're being considered then when there's seemingly nothing going on. I know that I will hear an answer (yes or no) sometime very soon and that's exciting and scary at the same time. I am constantly giving my heart to the Lord. I get flutteries at the thought of this being our baby and then in the same moment I remember that this very well might NOT be our baby and I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. Then I open up my hands and give my will to Him.

I am starting to feel impatient and yet I want to just embrace this time too. I don't want to live life wishing and hoping for the next thing, but heart longs for my baby too. It's such a struggle at times and yet I have so very much to be thankful for.

One of my many blessings is my sweet Paige.

On Sunday we were sitting together in church and she showed me her worksheet from Sunday school.

I looked at her work and wrote. "Great Job!" Then I continued to write things like "You are special," "I love you," "I think you're grrrrrreat!"

Every time I wrote a phrase, she giggled and smiled. She was loving it and I was loving it!

Then she grabbed the crayon and with a gleam in her eye, starting writing. Being the "words of affirmation" type girl that I am, I was excited to see what she was going to say to me.

This was it, her first words. Do you see it there, right in the middle...

Yes, that's it. Her loving words to her mommy were, "you are right."

Fortunately for me, she did go on! :) She wrote, "You are crazy." "You are fun." "I love you Mom!"

One I really liked was, "you are cool!" I liked that a lot!

Yes I have a lot to be thankful for! :)

So today I am going to consciously thank Him for my precious blessings. And I'm going to praise Him for what He is doing and will continue to do as we travel through this journey called adoption.

When you're weary...

I have to say, I'm feeling kind of weary these days.

My heart longs for my baby yet I have no idea if or when this will happen. I feel vulnerable and emotional but I cannot put my hope in this baby, my hope can only be in Jesus. If it's not, I will be disappointed. Every time.

I praise Him that He knows my desires. He knows my anxious thoughts, he knows when I am hurting, he knows when I am tired, he knows when I am excited and filled with joy. He knows me. And He has the best in mind for me...because He loves me.

I want to know Him more.

Last night Paige blessed me with her prayer. It was a great reminder to me. It went something very much like this.

"Dear Lord, we pray for our baby and for this birth mom. We pray that this will be our baby but if it's not, we trust You. We would be really happy if this was our baby but we know that your plan is best and we trust You. We know that maybe we will never get a baby and if that happened, we would be really sad but we will trust You."

And so we wait. And we hope. And we trust!

Thanks for your prayers...

And I thought the kids were "playing" so well!

****First of all I want to say thanks so much for your prayers and support as we journey through this adoption. You bless me!!****

On another note, today Raegan came running downstairs, "Mommy, mommy! Look what Hudson did!"

As I ran upstairs, this was the first bit of "evidence" I saw.

And then I followed Raegan into my bedroom...

Those, my friends are pretzels. Lots and lots of pretzels!

Did I mention there were a LOT of pretzels?!
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(If you look closely you can see water on the floor. Apparently I had left out my drink from the night before out. When I found the kids, they were both in their swimsuits. Hudson's head and body was wet, so was the floor and the bed. Apparently, he poured the water over his head and went "swimming!")


What's a mommy to do?
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FIRST: Get the camera!!
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THEN: FIND THE CHILD.
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Actually BOTH children suddenly went missing.
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I found them hiding AND giggling in the closet.
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"Strangely," Raegan looked quite guilty herself! :)
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It couldn't have possibly been me, Mommy!




Remember these are the same two who also did this. They keep me hoppin' that's for sure!