School Christmas Program

Yesterday was Hadley's preschool Christmas program, and it was so great. As I sat and watched (and tried to take pictures / video - more on that later) I kept thinking about two things. First, I was thinking about how many years of programs like that we have to look forward to, and that thought made my heart happy and brought a smile to my face. And second, I was thinking about those parents who, because of something totally out of their control, will never have another school program to go to for one of their children, and that thought broke my heart and made me cry for their hurt.

So, I attempted to take pictures (none of which turned out anything but blurry) and then attempted to video (which also turned out totally blurry) but I ended up with mostly blur, the backs of other parent's heads, and the music teacher. Grrr. Maybe I will get a better camera soon. (Hint! Hint!)

I will post a couple of the videos here, just to document that I actually tried, but don't get your hopes up. (Oh, and good luck trying to pick out Hadley!)

Hint - front row, khaki pants, plaid shirt

Hint - cow, playing with tail

Hint - acting silly at the end of the song

Enjoy!

Family Pictures

My sweet friend, Robin, recently took our family pictures again. And I just want to say how grateful I am to have a life-long friend like Robin who, even though we only get together once a year, will always be an amazing friend.

Here are a few of my favorites...

4 Years

My sweet boy,

I can hardly believe that you are four years old. When did that happen?? These past four years have been the most fun, most tiring, and most memorable years of my life. You are such a big, busy boy now, and you amaze me every day with the new things you are learning. I think you just might be the smartest four year old around (but then, I might be a tiny bit biased). And I know for sure that you are the most handsome four year old (no bias at all!).

I can't wait to see what the next year will bring. Thanks for making every day an adventure. I love you to the moon and back, Hadley.

Love, Mommy

Buzz Lightyear

Seriously...have you ever seen a cuter Buzz Lightyear??

***Melt my heart!***

Breast Cancer Awareness

Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month I decided to write a little something on that topic.

To tell my story on this topic, I really have to go back to March 2,2011. That was the day that my dear friend, Summer, called and told me she had breast cancer. That was the day that a reality I didn't know even existed became blatantly obvious to me. I mean, Summer was my age (34). She was my friend. She wasn't supposed to get cancer. That happens to other people. People I don't know personally. People I don't love and care about so much. Reality.

Over the next months I watched Summer go through all the treatment necessary to kill, destroy, and remove the cancer from her body. And I witnessed something I already knew about the type of person she is - an amazingly positive, strong, vibrant, brave, Christian woman who is my hero. And today, thankfully, she is cancer free and living a full, happy life while, unknowingly inspiring so many others.

As the year went on, I mentioned to Eric, on more that one occasion, that maybe I should go ahead and have a mammogram. After all, this reality had slapped me in the face and made me understand that cancer can happen to anyone, anytime. So, in February of 2012 (after turning 35 in December), despite my doctor's advice that a mammogram was not necessary until age 40, I scheduled my very first mammogram.

On March 21, 2012 I bravely faced that ominous "boob smashing" machine that women all over dread. And ladies, if you haven't experienced this yet, it's really not that terrible. Uncomfortable - yes, but not terrible. Luckily I had a very nice rad tech doing my exam who was full of helpful information and tips. She actually talked to me quite a bit before the actual exam about the probability that, because this was my very first mammogram, there was a good chance I would get a call/letter to come back for a diagnostic exam. Good information; I listened; I thought "not me"; I got smashed; I left.

A week later, the phone rang. Yep - they saw something and wanted me to come back for a diagnostic mammogram and possibly an ultrasound. (The rad tech was right!) So, on April 9, back to the machine I went. I had the same rad tech (yeah!) who explained in detail what they wanted her to get pictures of (something on both sides), and was quite apologetic every time she "smashed" (especially when she had to re-do the same shot several times!). Once the photo session was over, she immediately got the images to the radiologist to view while I waited. Luckily, that meant I got to sport the beautiful "cape/gown" for even longer! And so I waited (and waited and waited!). Turns out, the radiologist did indeed want an ultrasound done to get more detailed images and information. So, after some more discomfort and a pretty lengthy ultrasound, I learned what the radiologist thought he was seeing. His advice was that I then needed a biopsy to get more information.

The next couple weeks I was basically a stressed mess. What was this "mass"? When would I find out for sure? Would the biopsy be all I needed? What if?? Reality.

On April 23 I had my appointment with a surgeon to discuss the biopsy. Turns out, that appointment turned into him actually performing the biopsy. (And let me interject here - ouch!) We then scheduled a follow up appointment to get the biopsy results. So again, more stressful days wondering. April 26 we went back and found out the biopsy results. The "mass" was a 3 cm benign fibroadenoma. The key word in that statement is "benign". However, my doctor was pretty insistent that we remove the mass anyway. Some doctors might have simply said to come back in 6 months, repeat the mammogram, etc. But I am actually glad that this guy wanted to just remove it. After all, who wants a mass in your body that doesn't belong, and could be hiding things behind it. When in doubt - just remove it!

So very early in the morning of May 2, I checked into the hospital to have the mass removed. I won't go into a lot of detail of the procedures done that morning, but I will summarize: IV, ultrasound, lidocain shot, very big needle stuck into mass, mammogram (to make sure said needle is indeed sticking into mass), sleepy juice, operating room to surgically remove mass, recovery room, home.

A week later, on May 8, I had a follow up appointment with the surgeon to check the healing as well as to get the pathology results from the entire mass that was removed. As this point, my stress level was not quite as high because I trusted the doctor's initial diagnosis. However, I still needed to know that the entire thing was indeed benign and was a fibroadenoma like originally suspected. Results were confirmed, and from that point on I just had to finish healing and move on.

But here's the thing - do you really move on after something like that? Or do you really start thinking about what could have been or what has been for so many others? Reality.

A couple things I want to point out in this little story. First, I go back to my friend Summer. If it hadn't been for her, I probably would not have insisted that I have a mammogram at 35. Second, when I called to tell her about what was going on and tell her about the surgery that was about to be done her very first response was, "I'm going to come be with you." That right there, is a testament to the type of person she is. So thanks, Summer, for inspiring, pushing, supporting, and loving.

Breast Cancer Awareness month takes on a little different meaning to me now. How about you? Have you had a mammogram? If not, go do it.

Random Thoughts

-I really need to get back to the gym.

-I am hungry.

-I often look at Hadley's school schedule so I know what he's doing at random times during my work day.

-I can't believe it's already October.

-I wish I liked working out.

-I wish I didn't like fast food so much!

-I have a lot of paper clips on my desk.

-I love sticky notes!

-I'm pretty sure we don't need the a/c on this morning (but of course it's on).

-I have a lot of work to get done (and should probably be doing it instead of this!).

-I used to chew gum all day every day...not so much anymore (hurts my teeth/jaws).

-I could use a nap.

-I get easily annoyed by some pretty ridiculous things.

-I wish I liked coffee.

-I am currently drinking a diet coke.

-I got a terrible parking spot at work today.

-I am going to a Wayland football game this Saturday.

-I am a picky eater, and dislike lots of foods.

-I worry a lot.

-I need a vacation.

Things I want to remember

I've been thinking lately about how quickly Hadley is growing up and leaving behind some of the cute things he says and does. So just to remind myself in years to come, here are a few things I never want to forget.

1. I love the way he will randomly stop whatever he is doing and say, "Momma...(long pause)...I just want to say I love you."

2. Funny restaurant/store names: McDonalds = Old McDonald; Buffalo Wild Wings = Chick Fil A Wings; Tracks = The Choo Choo Place; Target = The Red Store

3. I love that "yellow" is still "lellow"; "Jessie" (from Toy Story) is "Gessie"; "Francesco" (from Cars) is "Fran-ge-i-co"

4. He likes to play baseball, but usually only if he is wearing a Texas Ranger t-shirt (and always his helmet as well).

5. Lately he is a milk drinking fool. Given the choice, he will pick milk for every meal, snack, or drink break.

6. He is very inquisitive about God, and always wants to know if God can see certain things. For example, "Can God see what's in my tummy?", "Can God see my flip flops?", "Can God see me playing baseball?", "Can God see me at the library?"

7. He eats very few things right now including: mac & cheese, lunchables (except he doesn't like the cheese in many of them!), fruit snacks (sometimes), crackers, chips,& bread (almost any kind), hot dogs, cheeseburgers (plain & dry), spaghetti (sometimes), and of course cookies. As far as fruits and veggies - forget it.

8. He would eat at Whataburger every day if we let him.

9. Half the time he asks to take a nap, or take a bath and go to bed. (Not many 3 years olds do that I'm thinking!)

10. Stuffed animals are called "cuddlies."

I could go on and on...

Summer 2012

It's hard to believe that the summer is almost over. Hadley starts school next week (more on that later), and Eric goes back the following week. Where did the summer go???

We spent some time swimming this summer, in our backyard "redneck" pool (until the rain, leaves, etc. turned it into a swamp - yuck!!). And we went to the city pool / water park a couple times as well. Hadley likes the water even more this summer than he has in years past, so he has a lot of fun playing. In addition to pool time, and because it has been so stinkin' hot, some nights we just play in the water sprinkler to cool off.

Hadley did go to school this summer at TCS (Texoma Christian School) for the first time. Prior to that we were lucky enough to know Regina (GiGi) who had kept him in her home. However, she took the position as Preschool Administration at TCS, so we simply followed her there. So for June and July, Hadley went to school every day, and seemed to really like it. Eric and I both noticed immediately how much he seemed to be learning, and continue to be completely amazed at how his mind just absorbs (and then remembers) everything! I am excited (and a little sad too!) about him starting his first actual "school year" next week. We bought school supplies a couple weeks ago (*love*), and we have his lunch box, school bag, and nap mat ready. My little boy is growing up!

Eric is getting ready to start his second (and final) year of the Radiology Tech program at GCC. He will, most likely, be pretty busy this next year with clinicals (3 and then 4) days a week plus studying for his other classes. We are hopeful that one (or more) of his clinical experiences may lead to a job.

As for me, I am just staying super busy at work. The past six months have been, well, challenging, to say the least with everything I have been given to do. But, I do like that I am constantly busy, and I feel an enormous amount of job security.

So there is a summary of the goings-on lately. I wish we could have made to around to see all of my family this summer, and maybe even had a little vacation, but I am hopeful for that next summer.

Honesty

I'm not gonna' lie...I am nothing but a huge wad of stress, frustration, nerves, worry, jealousy, fear, and anxiety these days. I am extremely blessed to have been married to my best friend for six years and have the most amazing son. And I don't ever want to take those things for granted (or even sound like I am not grateful). But I titled this post "honesty" for a reason...because I am venting (more for myself than anything) my honest feelings and thoughts right now.

Let's be real...I am 35 years old, and shouldn't a 35 year old feel more settled and stable?? I feel neither of those things. And I never have. Is that ever going to happen? There comes the jealousy feeling, as I look around at people my age (and much younger) who own homes, have multiple kids, one or both have a stable career, and are settled into the place they will raise their families. I don't think it is wrong of me to want those same things. Jealousy. Frustration.

And then there is the stress, worry, anxiety...all about money. Will finances ever not be a cause of stress, worry, and anxiety?? Will there ever be a time when the thought of how we will pay for everything not consume me? Seriously, every single thing I do somehow brings my mind back to those thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I can't even enjoy life because I am too busy worrying and stressing about finances. Right now, for example, (even as I write this) I am anxious and scared about how we will afford the $200 increase in Hadley's school/daycare starting next month, the substantial increase in my student loan payments that went into effect this month, the ridiculous medical bills that keep coming in the mail for the surgery I had in May (seriously...3 times more expensive than having a baby???), and everything else that comes dues everything month, all with the increase in our health insurance premiums about to go into effect (therefore reducing my actual paycheck). Seriously?? Stress. Frustration. Worry. Anxiety.

I just want to be able to enjoy life...enjoy being married to be best friend...enjoy watching Hadley learn new things...enjoy the little things in life. I don't think that is asking too much. I just wish I could do it.

Potty

Maybe this potty training thing is actually going to happen this time. For the past two nights, Hadley has used the potty and actually seems excited about it. Today, we took a new little potty to GiGi's (a Lightening McQueen potty no less!) so maybe we will have success there. Maybe before he turns four he will figure this stuff out!

Really, Mandi?!? Do you still have a blog??

Not that anyone even looks at this blog anymore, but just so I can say I actually did something on here...the rest of 2011 in pictures.