Friday, May 16, 2014
Quick Hello
Do people still read this? :) I have not posted anything in a long time. So much has happened, like the birth of my beautiful daughter! So much to catch up on. I didn't think anyone read this anymore, to be completely honest. Anyone out there? I will update soon.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Making it Hard to Move On
Well, so much to catch up on. I guess the first thing I should talk about is Jasper (which, to remind people, isn't his real name. I give him privacy, for some reason), since it is what a lot of people are interested in. It has been two years since I last spoke with (to?) you all, so what has happened?
I ran into him at the mall. Out of everything that could have happened, not a email or another facebook friend request, but actually having to see him face to face? It happened back in March. I was engaged to Nick already, and before he had to work we planned on meeting at the mall food court to grab a bite. I arrived earlier than him. I walked into the food court, and I saw a familiar face. I am constantly double-taking at people, thinking that it is him. It is a bad habit that I have had, well, ever since Jack was born. I am always looking around me, everywhere I go, always searching the room. And now, after thinking about it and planning for it, there he was. I quickly looked away and walked into a store. I called Nick and asked if he could hurry. "Why?" he asked. "Um, well,... Jasper is here." "Oh no. I will come a.s.a.p." I peeked out at the food court to see if he was still there, and he was staring right at me with a smirk; a terrifyingly sickening smirk.
There was a door to go outside, so I walked out and stood in a little corner. I was sick. Everything inside me was tingly and my breathing wasn't working and I couldn't see straight. Ridiculous, I know, but looking back, I think I went into shock. I couldn't feel my legs, and I didn't know what to think. What was I going to say? What was going to happen? I kept scanning the parking lot for Nick's truck, waiting for him, just wishing he would come already.
Then I heard his voice. I had almost forgotten what it had sounded like. Not deep, but tenor like. Full of thickness and a surity of himself, a persuasive and manipulative undertone to it. It had gotten slightly raspy, probably from smoking and his use of weed. That voice that had controlled me for years, that could get me to do anything. That voice that beckoned me, betrayed me, and hurt me. That voice that had haunted me ever since, and was back to bring its new haunting. I looked at him and was shocked on a lot of different levels. It was definitely him. His face had gotten old, especially for three years difference. His hair was buzzed, which made him look older, too. His teeth were yellow, but his mouth was still small. That devilish smile was still there. His ears was pierced with gages, which is SO nasty. He looked really thin, like sickly thin.
But what stood out, as it always did, were those eyes. Those predatory eyes that stare into you and take your breath away. But this time, my breath being taken away wasn't for curiosity and wanting, but for fear and the flood of memories. They are menacing, and taunting. They had gotten red, and a little swollen, probably from the drug use. He just looked at me. What had gotten me attention was his voice saying, "Hey Mariel". I was already in a corner, and I felt like I was trapped there by the way he was standing. I hate to admit that I don't remember much of what was said. I should have written it down. He tried to make small talk with me, and I gave short answers, trying not to make his gaze, making my ring obvious, and looking to the parking lot for Nick. That was all I could really think to do in that moment.
Then, it came. "Mariel,...(being said in a whiny "forgive me" voice) I know I was an idiot, and I made a lot of mistakes. I messed up really bad." I couldn't say anything. "No that I have you in front of me, i can finally talk to you. We have a lot to talk about." After those few minutes of numb tounge, I finally got enough courage to sputter out "There is absolutely nothing for us to talk about."
"Yes there is."
"No, there isn't."
"Mariel, we will always be connected. We will always have this connection. Do you know how hard this has been for me?"
I could not believe he said that. At the moment, I was still in shock that I couldn't think much of it, but when I think about looking at him saying that, if I could go back, I would have punched him in the face. Seriously.
"I have moved on, Jasper. It has been two years, it happened and its over. Why can't you move on."
"Do you know how hard it is for a father not to know his son?"
"But you aren't his father."
"Yes I am."
"No, you helped make him, and that is it. You weren't there, you didn't do anything. He has his own dad now."
He just rolled his eyes at me. He kept on saying more bull crap. Throughout this whole thing, I was still in shock. The more time rolled on, the stronger my tunnel vision got. Breathing was getting harder, my voice was shaking; I was about to loose it. I wouldn't take my eyes off of the parking lot. Where the heck was Nick? I needed him so badly right then. I couldn't get away. Why couldn't i have just walked away? I couldn't bring myself to. My legs were refusing to work.
Wait, he said something. "What?" I said.
"Just tell me his name and his birthday."
"No."
"Mariel, I deserve to know. I am his father. That is all i need to know. Just his name and his birthday."
"You don't deserve to know."
Then, finally Nick's truck. He came running over and just stood looking at us, with wide terrified eyes. I think he didn't know what to do in that situation. I wouldn't have known what to do either, i guess. All i cared about was that he was there. I could finally leave. I couldn't hear anymore. I noticed Jasper had turned to Nick, since i wasn't answering, and started asking him "Do you know his name and birthday? That's all I need." I turned away from him, and I just lost it. I hit my peak. I burst into tears and started blubbering "I can't do this. I can't do this." Nick walked with me, and had his arm around me. He kept asking if I was alright, what he said, if he had hurt me. I was shaking. I asked why he didn't say anything to him, and he told me that he didn't want to argue with a five year old. That is my Nick. He is too humble and kind, which is why I love him.
I haven't seen him since that. I felt mortified. I felt like an idiot. I still do. I am so ashamed of myself that I didn't do anything. For two years, I planned for that. I would do this, say this, kick him here, say this and walk away. I had 50 different scenarios that I would have done. Shown him that I was stronger, better, without him, that he meant nothing and will always mean absolutely nothing. But no. Instead, I broke down. All of my fears had burst out of this part of me, and just exploded, and I was helpless and fearful. I appeared weak, defenseless, which I had made myself to be completely opposite. I had worked so hard to be this better Mariel, this strong woman, with no fears, oozing with confidence and self-sufficiancy. I hated myself in that moment for ruining that all. The one moment I had to prove to him that I was amazing and beautiful and strong.
Oh, he did apply for where I work at now. He used to work there, and, coincidentally, tried to apply. His friend had come in the week before, and another of his friend's father had come in, so they had to have told him. Luckily, I didn't work that day. One of the other cashiers, who I have become friends with, and knows all about him from what I have told her and from working there when he did, took his application, and the shredded it immediately. "I got your back!" I love her.
But how, please tell me, am I supposed to move on when he keeps coming back into my life like this? How am I supposed to make myself a better person, learn from my mistakes, and start this new life of mine with my amazing husband, on this new path, when he will just not leave me alone? I live in fear. I hate saying that. I absolutely hate admitting that I am still scared of him. I hate that I have to look around every corner wherever I go. I can't escape it.
Why can't he move on? Why is it so hard for him to just move on, get a new girlfriend, get a new life, get a hobby, WHATEVER. Why is he so concerned about me? Yes, part of his DNA is in a child somewhere, but he chose, through his decisions, to not be a part of that, so that is his fault. Just leave me alone. I have moved on, you need to, too. I just want to keep living my new life with Nick and my family and Nick's family and just try to be fully happy.
Please, leave me alone. Let me fully move on.
I ran into him at the mall. Out of everything that could have happened, not a email or another facebook friend request, but actually having to see him face to face? It happened back in March. I was engaged to Nick already, and before he had to work we planned on meeting at the mall food court to grab a bite. I arrived earlier than him. I walked into the food court, and I saw a familiar face. I am constantly double-taking at people, thinking that it is him. It is a bad habit that I have had, well, ever since Jack was born. I am always looking around me, everywhere I go, always searching the room. And now, after thinking about it and planning for it, there he was. I quickly looked away and walked into a store. I called Nick and asked if he could hurry. "Why?" he asked. "Um, well,... Jasper is here." "Oh no. I will come a.s.a.p." I peeked out at the food court to see if he was still there, and he was staring right at me with a smirk; a terrifyingly sickening smirk.
There was a door to go outside, so I walked out and stood in a little corner. I was sick. Everything inside me was tingly and my breathing wasn't working and I couldn't see straight. Ridiculous, I know, but looking back, I think I went into shock. I couldn't feel my legs, and I didn't know what to think. What was I going to say? What was going to happen? I kept scanning the parking lot for Nick's truck, waiting for him, just wishing he would come already.
Then I heard his voice. I had almost forgotten what it had sounded like. Not deep, but tenor like. Full of thickness and a surity of himself, a persuasive and manipulative undertone to it. It had gotten slightly raspy, probably from smoking and his use of weed. That voice that had controlled me for years, that could get me to do anything. That voice that beckoned me, betrayed me, and hurt me. That voice that had haunted me ever since, and was back to bring its new haunting. I looked at him and was shocked on a lot of different levels. It was definitely him. His face had gotten old, especially for three years difference. His hair was buzzed, which made him look older, too. His teeth were yellow, but his mouth was still small. That devilish smile was still there. His ears was pierced with gages, which is SO nasty. He looked really thin, like sickly thin.
But what stood out, as it always did, were those eyes. Those predatory eyes that stare into you and take your breath away. But this time, my breath being taken away wasn't for curiosity and wanting, but for fear and the flood of memories. They are menacing, and taunting. They had gotten red, and a little swollen, probably from the drug use. He just looked at me. What had gotten me attention was his voice saying, "Hey Mariel". I was already in a corner, and I felt like I was trapped there by the way he was standing. I hate to admit that I don't remember much of what was said. I should have written it down. He tried to make small talk with me, and I gave short answers, trying not to make his gaze, making my ring obvious, and looking to the parking lot for Nick. That was all I could really think to do in that moment.
Then, it came. "Mariel,...(being said in a whiny "forgive me" voice) I know I was an idiot, and I made a lot of mistakes. I messed up really bad." I couldn't say anything. "No that I have you in front of me, i can finally talk to you. We have a lot to talk about." After those few minutes of numb tounge, I finally got enough courage to sputter out "There is absolutely nothing for us to talk about."
"Yes there is."
"No, there isn't."
"Mariel, we will always be connected. We will always have this connection. Do you know how hard this has been for me?"
I could not believe he said that. At the moment, I was still in shock that I couldn't think much of it, but when I think about looking at him saying that, if I could go back, I would have punched him in the face. Seriously.
"I have moved on, Jasper. It has been two years, it happened and its over. Why can't you move on."
"Do you know how hard it is for a father not to know his son?"
"But you aren't his father."
"Yes I am."
"No, you helped make him, and that is it. You weren't there, you didn't do anything. He has his own dad now."
He just rolled his eyes at me. He kept on saying more bull crap. Throughout this whole thing, I was still in shock. The more time rolled on, the stronger my tunnel vision got. Breathing was getting harder, my voice was shaking; I was about to loose it. I wouldn't take my eyes off of the parking lot. Where the heck was Nick? I needed him so badly right then. I couldn't get away. Why couldn't i have just walked away? I couldn't bring myself to. My legs were refusing to work.
Wait, he said something. "What?" I said.
"Just tell me his name and his birthday."
"No."
"Mariel, I deserve to know. I am his father. That is all i need to know. Just his name and his birthday."
"You don't deserve to know."
Then, finally Nick's truck. He came running over and just stood looking at us, with wide terrified eyes. I think he didn't know what to do in that situation. I wouldn't have known what to do either, i guess. All i cared about was that he was there. I could finally leave. I couldn't hear anymore. I noticed Jasper had turned to Nick, since i wasn't answering, and started asking him "Do you know his name and birthday? That's all I need." I turned away from him, and I just lost it. I hit my peak. I burst into tears and started blubbering "I can't do this. I can't do this." Nick walked with me, and had his arm around me. He kept asking if I was alright, what he said, if he had hurt me. I was shaking. I asked why he didn't say anything to him, and he told me that he didn't want to argue with a five year old. That is my Nick. He is too humble and kind, which is why I love him.
I haven't seen him since that. I felt mortified. I felt like an idiot. I still do. I am so ashamed of myself that I didn't do anything. For two years, I planned for that. I would do this, say this, kick him here, say this and walk away. I had 50 different scenarios that I would have done. Shown him that I was stronger, better, without him, that he meant nothing and will always mean absolutely nothing. But no. Instead, I broke down. All of my fears had burst out of this part of me, and just exploded, and I was helpless and fearful. I appeared weak, defenseless, which I had made myself to be completely opposite. I had worked so hard to be this better Mariel, this strong woman, with no fears, oozing with confidence and self-sufficiancy. I hated myself in that moment for ruining that all. The one moment I had to prove to him that I was amazing and beautiful and strong.
Oh, he did apply for where I work at now. He used to work there, and, coincidentally, tried to apply. His friend had come in the week before, and another of his friend's father had come in, so they had to have told him. Luckily, I didn't work that day. One of the other cashiers, who I have become friends with, and knows all about him from what I have told her and from working there when he did, took his application, and the shredded it immediately. "I got your back!" I love her.
But how, please tell me, am I supposed to move on when he keeps coming back into my life like this? How am I supposed to make myself a better person, learn from my mistakes, and start this new life of mine with my amazing husband, on this new path, when he will just not leave me alone? I live in fear. I hate saying that. I absolutely hate admitting that I am still scared of him. I hate that I have to look around every corner wherever I go. I can't escape it.
Why can't he move on? Why is it so hard for him to just move on, get a new girlfriend, get a new life, get a hobby, WHATEVER. Why is he so concerned about me? Yes, part of his DNA is in a child somewhere, but he chose, through his decisions, to not be a part of that, so that is his fault. Just leave me alone. I have moved on, you need to, too. I just want to keep living my new life with Nick and my family and Nick's family and just try to be fully happy.
Please, leave me alone. Let me fully move on.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Long Time No See
Sometimes i forget that I even have this blog. As you can see, I haven't written anything for almost two years. I haven't even checked it until a few days ago, which I guess is one of the reasons I am writing. They have a new feature on here where you can check your "stats" to see how many people are reading your blog, and last month over one hundred people read it. Seriously? I was so shocked! Who is reading this? I would love if you told me. Especially those people in the Netherlands (thanks to the "stats". The Netherlands? I reach that far? Cool!)
Well, there has been a lot that has happened in the past two years of my life that this blog has missed. I have a lot to catch up on, which I don't have the time or will power to do right now (I think i am getting sick with something. Dang sicknesses that this winter season brings).
Quickest update i can give: I got married! In august. Yes, there will be a big long post about that. No, it is not to that piece of scum of the earth that i had a child with. I don't know why everyone assumes that. Seriously? Why would I marry him? And yes, it is Nick, who I wrote a few posts about when we started dating. As for Jack? My little buddy? Who is going to be THREE next month! I seriously cannot believe that he is going to be three years old. Did i seriously give birth to him and place him for adoption three years ago? He is so good. I will obviously write a few posts about him too, don't worry :) he is talking, which is AWESOME! How amazing is it to hear them say your name? His favorite thing to say now is "Mariel... is... the... BEEEESSST!" And yes it is said just like that, with which he throws his head back while saying best. Completely and utterly adorable :) I have had about four different jobs, because i have a curse of not being able to keep the same job for more than six months. Someday, i will break that curse. As for now, i am stuck at a car place that is, in a word, ridiculous. Again, a post will be written.
All in all, I just want to start writing again. Seeing those stats of how people are reading this blog gave me... well, hope. Hope that i can help somebody out there, touch their life somehow. Maybe help a scared a desperate teenage girl, who I resembled three years ago. Maybe i can help someone who has been in a abusive relationship. Maybe i can help parents or grandparents who are trying to understand what their girls are going through. Or, maybe i can help a couple trying to adopt, to help them understand what us girls go through, and what to expect.
I am touched by people reading this. It means that my story is important to someone. Please comment, and for those people who have somehow happened upon this blog and read it, please tell me who you are :) I would love to know.
Well, there has been a lot that has happened in the past two years of my life that this blog has missed. I have a lot to catch up on, which I don't have the time or will power to do right now (I think i am getting sick with something. Dang sicknesses that this winter season brings).
Quickest update i can give: I got married! In august. Yes, there will be a big long post about that. No, it is not to that piece of scum of the earth that i had a child with. I don't know why everyone assumes that. Seriously? Why would I marry him? And yes, it is Nick, who I wrote a few posts about when we started dating. As for Jack? My little buddy? Who is going to be THREE next month! I seriously cannot believe that he is going to be three years old. Did i seriously give birth to him and place him for adoption three years ago? He is so good. I will obviously write a few posts about him too, don't worry :) he is talking, which is AWESOME! How amazing is it to hear them say your name? His favorite thing to say now is "Mariel... is... the... BEEEESSST!" And yes it is said just like that, with which he throws his head back while saying best. Completely and utterly adorable :) I have had about four different jobs, because i have a curse of not being able to keep the same job for more than six months. Someday, i will break that curse. As for now, i am stuck at a car place that is, in a word, ridiculous. Again, a post will be written.
All in all, I just want to start writing again. Seeing those stats of how people are reading this blog gave me... well, hope. Hope that i can help somebody out there, touch their life somehow. Maybe help a scared a desperate teenage girl, who I resembled three years ago. Maybe i can help someone who has been in a abusive relationship. Maybe i can help parents or grandparents who are trying to understand what their girls are going through. Or, maybe i can help a couple trying to adopt, to help them understand what us girls go through, and what to expect.
I am touched by people reading this. It means that my story is important to someone. Please comment, and for those people who have somehow happened upon this blog and read it, please tell me who you are :) I would love to know.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Day 3 (A Day Late)- Write a letter to your parents
Day 3 — Write a letter to: Your parents
Tell me: A song that makes you happy
I want to know: Your favorite television program.
Tell me Your idea of the perfect first date.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I have the best parents in the world, hand down! I know that sorry will never be enough for the hell i put you through. Those 5 years were definitely the worst, and i cannot imagine what you had to deal with. I will always love you for smacking sense into me, even though i hated it at the time, and never followed it. But you never gave up on me. You always loved me.
I will never forget those few hours before placement in the hospital. You both held my hands and we just all cried, and you both sat beside me and helped me through it. And you are still helping me now.
Sighhhhhhhhh.................
Ok, my idea of a perfect first date. Going to get food, it could even be wendys, i really wouldn't care, as long as something is in my belly, and then something simple but fun, like bowling or walking around Walmart or... i dont know. I am just a simple girl :)
Tell me: A song that makes you happy
I want to know: Your favorite television program.
Tell me Your idea of the perfect first date.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I have the best parents in the world, hand down! I know that sorry will never be enough for the hell i put you through. Those 5 years were definitely the worst, and i cannot imagine what you had to deal with. I will always love you for smacking sense into me, even though i hated it at the time, and never followed it. But you never gave up on me. You always loved me.
I will never forget those few hours before placement in the hospital. You both held my hands and we just all cried, and you both sat beside me and helped me through it. And you are still helping me now.
Gah, i hate my puffy face in that photo.
I just hope you guys know... i didn't hate you. I never did. I know that i put that image on, and i seemed all rebellious and typical teenager thinking my parents are so lame. But it was Jasper that made me think that, and i wanted so badly for him to be right for some reason. I wanted to be like him, and not care about anyone or anything and i tried to push you guys away, but i couldn't. I love you guys more than anything and you are both my best friends and i needed you. I still need you!! And i always will, because you are my mom and dad. You guys mean everything to me, and i hope you know how much i appreciate all you do for me :)
Love, your stupid but learning daughter, Mariel
Ok, i know this is ridiculous, but We R who we R by Kesha makes me happy. When i wake up in the morning, that song comes on and i get a kick while getting ready and my day is set. I know, its not the best or most clever song, but i love it in a weird way.
My favorite television program... probably Teen Mom 2. IM OBSESSED! I realized that i love watching stupid people. Not saying those girls are stupid, i mean shows like Jersey Shore. I mean seriously, that is why its so funny is because they are all idiots! But like, ok, on Teen Mom 2, for those that watch it, I LOVE Cory and Leah, they are just cute and have their heads on straight. And they are the cutest parents! Their babies are adorable!
Kailyn and Jo are just stupid. Really, they both act like 5 year olds, especially Jo. He doesn't think before he says things, and he is just super rude and immature. Kailyn has a serious attitude problem. Together, they are awful. Separate, they are decent.
Chelsea is kind of a ditz, but she is super sweet and has a sweet personality. Too bad that Adam is a @#$%^ and takes advantage of that. Ok, not even kidding, Adam is exactly like Jasper. I hate watching that part because he reminds me of him!! He is just such a jerk, but i am glad that Chelsea broke up with him. Her baby is way cute too!
And last but definitely not least, Janelle. Everyone doesn't like her, that is obvious. Seriously child?? Your mom has to take care of your baby for you, and you beg to see him, she gives you chances, and then you ruin them by staying over at your friends and boyfriends houses all night. You were smoking pot in front of your house, and your child, you always go out with your friends, and you get SUPER defensive when your mom points this all out because it is right and you are too dumb to hear it. As soon as you get a job, you start ditching it to hang out with your boyfriend, then you obviously get fired, and youre like "Ah! What am i supposed to do without a job??" DUH! And you plan a trip with your boyfriend and steal your moms credit cards? And youre like "I was planning on paying her back". Really? You wonder why she gets so annoyed and mad at you? Oh, and this is priceless. You get taken to jail with your dump of a boyfriend, you bail out and your friend is nice enough to come get you, you are mad at him cuz its his fault (you are vaild, it IS his fault), and he keeps calling you asking when you are coming to bail him out. "If you loved me you wouldn't let me sit in a jail cell all night". He needs a good smacking. So, instead of using the money to pay back your mom for the credit cards, which is like 775 dollars so you dont get arrested for stealing credit cards, you put that money towards bailing out your boyfriend who you told everyone you hated, and your mom said she would kick you out if you hooked up with him. I mean, SERIOUSLY????????????
Ok, i had to get that all out.
I started crying about her last night. I know, emotional. But i was crying to Nick, because her child is right there. She can take care of him, but she throws it all away. I cant do that. Jack is going to start walking any day now and i wont be there to see it. I just hate her. Sighhhhhhhhh.................
Ok, my idea of a perfect first date. Going to get food, it could even be wendys, i really wouldn't care, as long as something is in my belly, and then something simple but fun, like bowling or walking around Walmart or... i dont know. I am just a simple girl :)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day 2- Write a letter to your crush. Plus, a photo of Jack, finally!
Day 2 — Write a letter to: Your Crush
Tell me: Your least favorite song
I want to know: Your favorite movie.
Take A photo of something you ate today.
Dear Nick,
Yes, you are my crush, even though you are already my boyfriend. I started having a crush on you the second i saw those big blue eyes from across the room in 11th grade english. I was so startled and happy when you got up and came over to talk to me. And I am so glad that you did :)
After Jack was born and things started to calm down, one of my biggest concerns was dating again. Who would date someone that had got down and dirty and had a baby. There was a lesson we had in seminary about chastity, and there was a quote that said "The greatest gift you can give to your future spouse is yourself, pure and clean", or something like that. And when i heard that i was crushed. I cannot give that to my future husband. My husband will have to have a girl with a butt load of trash, a used product.
I mean, i don't really think that anymore, but still. And then you come along and change that. You listen to everything, to all of my worries and junk and my past and my fears, and you just smile and hold my hand and say that it is ok. And you kiss me and say that you love me, no matter what. You are ok with talking about it, and everything, and surprisingly you are the only person i have met who does not know who Jasper is or was, and you are ok if i am really mad one day and just spew everything.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring and loving me. I am so glad that we can do anything and be comfortable around each other. I love that we can laugh at each other and tease each other and make fun of each other and be dorks. I especially love that you ask how Jack is doing, and are excited to see pictures, and you want to come hang with my family.
Thank you for being my best friend and for loving me no matter what. Even on days when i am being a complete brat and im bawling with make up running down my face. I love you :)
Love yours, Mariel
Alright, my least favorite song..... how in the world can i choose?? Honestly, any of that Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, weird pre-teen cheesy, no talent, made up, pointless lyric music that is just... blech. I hate it. There is no true talent in it. Nothing like Mumford and Sons. Nothing :)
My favorite movie. Again, how in the world can i choose?????? Gosh i hate these type of questions.
Umm... there are several contenders. Bicentennial Man, Moulin Rouge, Juno, Whats Up Doc, SO MANY! Those are only some. Those are ones that i can watch over and over and never get tired of. Oh, and Phantom of the Opera. Cant get enough of Gerald Butler..... yummmm. Its ok, Nick knows :)
Tell me: Your least favorite song
I want to know: Your favorite movie.
Take A photo of something you ate today.
Dear Nick,
Yes, you are my crush, even though you are already my boyfriend. I started having a crush on you the second i saw those big blue eyes from across the room in 11th grade english. I was so startled and happy when you got up and came over to talk to me. And I am so glad that you did :)
After Jack was born and things started to calm down, one of my biggest concerns was dating again. Who would date someone that had got down and dirty and had a baby. There was a lesson we had in seminary about chastity, and there was a quote that said "The greatest gift you can give to your future spouse is yourself, pure and clean", or something like that. And when i heard that i was crushed. I cannot give that to my future husband. My husband will have to have a girl with a butt load of trash, a used product.
I mean, i don't really think that anymore, but still. And then you come along and change that. You listen to everything, to all of my worries and junk and my past and my fears, and you just smile and hold my hand and say that it is ok. And you kiss me and say that you love me, no matter what. You are ok with talking about it, and everything, and surprisingly you are the only person i have met who does not know who Jasper is or was, and you are ok if i am really mad one day and just spew everything.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring and loving me. I am so glad that we can do anything and be comfortable around each other. I love that we can laugh at each other and tease each other and make fun of each other and be dorks. I especially love that you ask how Jack is doing, and are excited to see pictures, and you want to come hang with my family.
Thank you for being my best friend and for loving me no matter what. Even on days when i am being a complete brat and im bawling with make up running down my face. I love you :)
Love yours, Mariel
Alright, my least favorite song..... how in the world can i choose?? Honestly, any of that Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, weird pre-teen cheesy, no talent, made up, pointless lyric music that is just... blech. I hate it. There is no true talent in it. Nothing like Mumford and Sons. Nothing :)
My favorite movie. Again, how in the world can i choose?????? Gosh i hate these type of questions.
Umm... there are several contenders. Bicentennial Man, Moulin Rouge, Juno, Whats Up Doc, SO MANY! Those are only some. Those are ones that i can watch over and over and never get tired of. Oh, and Phantom of the Opera. Cant get enough of Gerald Butler..... yummmm. Its ok, Nick knows :)
Oooooo... just look at him.
I know, not the healthiest thing, but i am addicted to them! SO GOOD! My weakness for sure.
There we go, Day 2.
Ok, Heather sent me this today and it is too cute! So, it is a toy boom box that plays music, and he holds it up to his head and bounces up and down like a little DJ. OH MY GOSH I LAUGHED OUT LOUD! I mean, how can children be so incredible? They are so smart and so beautiful. He blows my mind every day. He is just so adorable and amazing. I hope i can be the best i can for him.
I will continue on it later. There is too much to talk about with Jack!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Blog 30-day Challenge
Yes, I know, long time no write. And i know that there is a lot to catch up on. But i decided to steal this from my friends blog (yes, she gave me permission). So yeah... here we go!!
DAY 1: Day 1 — Write a letter to: Your Best Friend
Tell me: Your favorite song
I want to know: Your favorite song.
Take A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
DAY 1: Day 1 — Write a letter to: Your Best Friend
Tell me: Your favorite song
I want to know: Your favorite song.
Take A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Dear Mom,
You are one of the easiest people to talk to. I love you so much, and you have been with me through everything. From raising me with love, to making all of my play costumes and sitting through hours of rehearsals, and staying with me through every second at the hospital. I will always grateful for everything you did for me while i was pregnant. You came to every appointment, and you guided me through every step. I know that i can always come lay on your bed and talk to you for hours on end. And i love that we have the same sense of humor, and we watch the same tv shows and gossip about everything and everyone. Thank you for being an amazing grandma, and thank you for being an amazing mom :) I LOVE YOU!!
Love your daughter and best friend, Mariel
Alright, my favorite song..... i would have to say The Cave by Mumford and Songs. If you have not yet listened to them, DO IT! Their album is amazing, i listen to it probably 3 times a day, and i have already converted Nick. Heavy-rock-listening Nick and he loves it. I just love the simpleness and true musicality of it.
And now a photo of myself.... gah.
GAH!! Basically, i slept all day and... slept all day. Haven't been feeling good. Didn't do anything to myself. I LOOK SO GROSS!
More to come. :)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
1sr Week of a Fresh Start
This past week was a semi difficult week. And not just because its Jacks Birthday. There are several reasons, i guess.
#1: Well, first off, i've been sick since Sunday. It started out with a sore throat, which got worse to the point where its unbearable and i can't talk. Then my nose added to it, and it was super runny. Seriously, how does ones body make so much mucus? Then it got stuffy, my body ached. Every bone and muscle in my body was screaming. I got a fever, and i seriously thought i was on fire. And for the past few days, its been a mix of those things and then fatigue and dizziness and trouble breathing thrown in there.
So yeah. Not fun.
#2: Because i was sick, i couldn't visit Jack at all this week for his birthday. He is already sick, and has asthma, so he can't be around sick people. I was really excited to see him, but i couldn't, and it was a serious bummer. I miss him so much, and i just want to hold him and scream happy birthday! Hopefully later on this week....
#3: Like i said, Jack has asthma. It is really hard for me, because he definitely gets it from me. There are tons of people in my family that have it, including my little brother and sister. I've watched my little sister go through it for almost her whole life, and it kills me to think that Jack will have to go through the same thing. It makes me feel guilty. And guilty is such an ugly word, but it really does. I know that i can't help it, and its not like i purposely gave it to him. My whole family has immune problems, including me. But i still feel awful. Having to see him go through that just kills me inside, and i wish i could just wave a wand and make it better.
Heather and Kirk are so great about it, they always reassure me that they love him no matter what. And i know they do. Its just unbearable to watch him weeze and get treatments sometimes.
#4: And, the most obvious, it is the one year anniversary of placing him. Im actually not too upset about this. I've been ok. There are moments that are hard. It kinda comes in stings. Like, i will be perfectly fine, and then a few seconds later, im super down and upset. Nick is always wondering if im ok, and im not too sure how to explain it. Because i am fine with it. I love Heather and Kirk, and i don't regret adoption at all. I guess just the memories of the hospital come back and it makes me upset. Just remembering how i felt on the day of placement, which is kinda funny now.
On that day, i just broke down. I thought it was the end. The 9 months previous to that, he had been mine. He had defined me, and i had had him inside me, and felt him inside of me, and i was about to leave the hospital with nothing. After all of that hard work. I cannot explain how i was feeling. All i could do was cry.
But now, after a year of thousands of text messages, pictures, emails, get togethers, lunches, parties, and seeing my little buddy, i have a totally new perspective. At the hospital, i thought it was all over. But, in reality, it was a beginning. A beginning to a new chapter. This past year has been amazing. Jack has grown so much, and he is so curious and outgoing, and he is such a goof ball! But now, every year is going to be a new year for him, which means a new year for me.
Life does go on. At the time, i definitely didn't think so, but it does. I am grateful for all that i have now, and i know that there is more to come.
So, it was a difficult week. Funny how it is the last week of the year, the 52nd week of each year, that is going to be a little hard every year for me. Because, after that, it is the 1st week. The 1st of more weeks to come. A fresh start, things to look forward to, and people to meet. Jack will probably learn to walk this year, and maybe even learn a few words!
Happy Birthday Jack. I love you more than anything.
#1: Well, first off, i've been sick since Sunday. It started out with a sore throat, which got worse to the point where its unbearable and i can't talk. Then my nose added to it, and it was super runny. Seriously, how does ones body make so much mucus? Then it got stuffy, my body ached. Every bone and muscle in my body was screaming. I got a fever, and i seriously thought i was on fire. And for the past few days, its been a mix of those things and then fatigue and dizziness and trouble breathing thrown in there.
So yeah. Not fun.
#2: Because i was sick, i couldn't visit Jack at all this week for his birthday. He is already sick, and has asthma, so he can't be around sick people. I was really excited to see him, but i couldn't, and it was a serious bummer. I miss him so much, and i just want to hold him and scream happy birthday! Hopefully later on this week....
#3: Like i said, Jack has asthma. It is really hard for me, because he definitely gets it from me. There are tons of people in my family that have it, including my little brother and sister. I've watched my little sister go through it for almost her whole life, and it kills me to think that Jack will have to go through the same thing. It makes me feel guilty. And guilty is such an ugly word, but it really does. I know that i can't help it, and its not like i purposely gave it to him. My whole family has immune problems, including me. But i still feel awful. Having to see him go through that just kills me inside, and i wish i could just wave a wand and make it better.
Heather and Kirk are so great about it, they always reassure me that they love him no matter what. And i know they do. Its just unbearable to watch him weeze and get treatments sometimes.
#4: And, the most obvious, it is the one year anniversary of placing him. Im actually not too upset about this. I've been ok. There are moments that are hard. It kinda comes in stings. Like, i will be perfectly fine, and then a few seconds later, im super down and upset. Nick is always wondering if im ok, and im not too sure how to explain it. Because i am fine with it. I love Heather and Kirk, and i don't regret adoption at all. I guess just the memories of the hospital come back and it makes me upset. Just remembering how i felt on the day of placement, which is kinda funny now.
On that day, i just broke down. I thought it was the end. The 9 months previous to that, he had been mine. He had defined me, and i had had him inside me, and felt him inside of me, and i was about to leave the hospital with nothing. After all of that hard work. I cannot explain how i was feeling. All i could do was cry.
But now, after a year of thousands of text messages, pictures, emails, get togethers, lunches, parties, and seeing my little buddy, i have a totally new perspective. At the hospital, i thought it was all over. But, in reality, it was a beginning. A beginning to a new chapter. This past year has been amazing. Jack has grown so much, and he is so curious and outgoing, and he is such a goof ball! But now, every year is going to be a new year for him, which means a new year for me.
Life does go on. At the time, i definitely didn't think so, but it does. I am grateful for all that i have now, and i know that there is more to come.
So, it was a difficult week. Funny how it is the last week of the year, the 52nd week of each year, that is going to be a little hard every year for me. Because, after that, it is the 1st week. The 1st of more weeks to come. A fresh start, things to look forward to, and people to meet. Jack will probably learn to walk this year, and maybe even learn a few words!
Happy Birthday Jack. I love you more than anything.
Jacks Birthday Present
So I made this book for Jack for his birthday! I didn't get the scrapbook done like id hoped. Well, i didn't even start it... it will probably be for his 5th birthday or something :) I think this book turned out well!
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