Well, we finally did it. We turned Luke’s crib into a toddler bed on Saturday afternoon in time for his nap. He has done WONDERFULLY with the transition. He is still such a good sleeper and he hasn’t gotten up in the middle of the night or anything. The first morning, I heard him on the monitor saying, “I want my Mama” and so I went to get him and he was standing with the door open ready to start the day. That afternoon we went and bought the childproof doorknob covers so he couldn’t get out. But I was so proud of him for waiting at the door. We are so thankful he has adjusted so well. He loves the bed. He showed it off to Uncle David twice when he came over last night. Grammy is sewing him a Thomas pillowcase and sheet because I couldn’t find what I wanted in the store.
Mark and I are dealing with some sad news this week. We learned yesterday that I had a miscarriage. We had gone in last week for an ultrasound and the baby was measuring about a week behind but had a strong heartbeat (189). We were concerned, but hoping for the best and trusting God. We went in yesterday and found out the baby did not have a heartbeat anymore and was still measuring 6 w 1 d (even though I was 8 weeks pregnant) and must have died shortly after our appointment the week before, because that is what the baby was measuring then. I know a lot of people are really private about this kind of thing, but I am not. It’s just not me. We had already told a lot of people about this pregnancy. I have a lot of emotions—confusion, sadness, anxiety. It’s still really hard and it is all I can think about. I will have a D&C on Tuesday and I feel like I will be more able to move on once that is done.
I am still trusting God with all of this. I know He does not make mistakes and I know he has a good plan for my life. I did a lot of growing in my faith last week when we were concerned there might be a problem. I am learning to trust God no matter the outcome. I am such a control freak. I HATE not having control. But I have absolutely no control over this. I had everything planned in my head—kids exactly 3 years apart, both born in the fall, etc….But that is just not the way it is going to work out. It was so easy with Luke, I assumed it would be the same. At best, our kids are going to be 3 years 7 months apart. That was just not what I had planned. But I KNOW that God’s plan is much better than my plan. I really do know that. I forget it sometimes and try to control everything but I truly believe that God knows exactly the right time for me to have another child and my children can be good friends no matter the age difference and my child will do well in school no matter what month he/she is born. It seems so silly that I worry about these things and believe me—it was all put into perspective for me yesterday.
The Bible says we are to be thankful at all times, and I can honestly say that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful it happened now and not later in the pregnancy. I am thankful I can have the D&C before our trip to Disney World. I am thankful we have a fun trip planned to Disney World in two weeks. I am thankful I have a supportive husband who has been doing everything around the house. I am thankful for such good family and friends that are supporting, encouraging, and praying for us. And I am thankful for the most precious and perfect (even if he doesn’t eat much) little boy a mother could ever want. I am thankful for God’s grace.
Okay, this has been cathartic for me. This blog is our family scrapbook and although I don’t want to dwell on this experience and I want to move on, I know I’ll always remember it.
