I am frequently asked by people how long I have been married, to which I reply "7 years". I don't feel bad telling them 7 years because my anniversary is next month. The next question, I can almost guarantee will follow is, "do you have any kids?" To which I reply "nope", "no", or "not yet". Sometimes the conversations starts the other way around. "So do you and your husband have children?" "nope". "Oh are you newly weds?" "No, we've been married 7 years." Either way the conversation starts, there is always an awkward pause that fallows, and more recently the rude comment of "So, do you two not want kids or something?" First of all, this question is the rudest question you can ask a women... regardless of how long she has been married. It is none of your business, it is only the business of her and her partner. Secondly, nine times out of ten she is thinking "just because I don't have children running around my feet, calling me mommy, doesn't mean I don't want children" even though what she really responds is "I guess only time will tell".
So, in response to this question I have decided to share Sean and my story about our journey to children. I have decided not to hold anything back, and have decided to tell our story as it happened; which means some of you may take offense to what I have to say. This also mean it's a SUPER LONG STORY... I've warned you.
Sean and I were married 07/07/2007, prior to getting married we decided that we wanted to wait to have children and I went on birth control. I was a complete LUNATIC on birth control. I'm not kidding I was a LUNATIC. Once, after coming home from work and school late, I freaked out at Sean because he had cooked dinner and clean the house for me. WHAT? How dare he cook dinner, that is the wife's job. What is he telling me, that I am a bad wife or something? We tried the little pills for over a year, and for the sake of Sean's sanity, decided that I shouldn't be on them anymore. My Dr. suggested the NuvaRing- year 2 passed and once again, this was not the drug for me. The only other option my Dr. had was the IUD... non-hormonal birth-control... DONE!
Years 3 and 4 passed and life was wonderful, even though I was very ornery pretty much all the time, I was not the CRAZY witch from the hormone birth-control days. Somewhere during years 3 and 4 my minstrel cycles turned from "normal" well normal for me at least to pure HELL. I would cramp to the point of crying, I would bleed what felt like Gallons, and they would last for 14 or more days. 2 years of this was enough for me and that is when we decided that it was time to just stop the birth-control all together.
June 2011 we started to try for children... well we weren't preventing it, but we weren't really caring about getting pregnant either. 2011 passed, I was working in Salt Lake, and Sean had switched jobs and had gone back to school. No pregnancies during this time either, no big deal, neither of us really cared, our life was BUSY and we couldn't have afforded a child anyway. In April of 2012, Sean and I decided to move. We put our house up for rent on a Saturday morning, showed it 19 times that afternoon and that evening we had the perfect renters scheduled to move in 2 weeks later. Two weeks later we moved in with my parents, just until the school year ended and we could officially move to St. George.
No jobs, nowhere to live, and a car packed full of our stuff we left Utah County and drove to St. George. We pulled into St. George on June 16th and 24 hours later both Sean and I had job offers and my grandparents had let us move in with them well until August at least. We spent the summer enjoying spending time together, but still did not get pregnant. I was beginning to get a little concerned. We had been trying for over a year and NOTHING. We decided that if I didn't get pregnant by February 2013 we would go and see a Dr. about it.
January 2013: POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!! I couldn't believe it, I was pregnant. I kept it secret because who knew what would happen during the first trimester, I had heard the horror stories. We planned cute ways to announce it to our parents and decided that we would mail the things out the Monday after Easter Break, that would officially mark the beginning of my second trimester. My pregnancy was wonderful, I had promised myself I would never complain about anything. Morning sickness, well kind of, sore breast- double check, extra sleepy- yep, baby bump forming- well either that or I was getting fat really quick... it was hard to tell. Without warning everything turned from great to awful in a matter of seconds.
Our first Dr. visit was scheduled for the Tuesday of Spring Break a week before Easter Break. We were going to hear the heart beat for the first time and see that baby. We were so excited. The cold gel was placed on my lower abdomen, the nurse was smiling, "look there is the bab..." she didn't finish her sentence, "oh dear" she jumped off of her chair, turned the monitor off, and left the room. When she returned she had the head nurse and the Dr. "Is it?" "I think so" OUCH they were pushing so hard, what happening? QUIT talking in code. "Turn the monitor on, I'll explain everything" "There is no heartbeat...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I'm so sorry... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"
My head was spinning what did they mean no heartbeat? If this was a joke it wasn't funny.
I don't remember much of the conversation after that. Something about it being recent, nothing we could have done, let it go natural or have the surgery. Natural would take anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks- I didn't have a couple of weeks. Spring Break was only this week and I didn't want to end up bleeding everywhere in front of my students. SURGERY- tomorrow morning.
The car ride home was silent, Sean was in his world and I was in mine. "I need to go and pick stuff up from the store do you want to come?" What? was he talking to me? "No, take me home"
At home, I stayed in bed, crying harder than ever before. I called my mom and talked with her and then my sisters all began to call none of them having a clue I needed them.
The surgery was a success or so we thought. I went on with my life as normal and NEVER wanted the miscarriage mentioned again. I went back for my two week appointment and it was the same thing over again. "Not everything came out, you need another D&C NOW, call you husband and I'll meet you at the hospital in an hour" "WAIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" I'll save you the rest of my conversation and choice words, but to say the least, I was upset and two weeks worth of built up emotions flooded out towards the Dr.
After the second surgery I woke up, and something had changed. Yes, parts of me were missing-literally. But, it was also at this time that my happy-go-lucky attitude changed to ROYAL BITCH. Pregnant women at work, church, on the streets, Facebook... you name it and I was glaring at them. Facebook people got it worst because they couldn't hear me calling them names. 16 year olds getting pregnant and I would lose it- why could these stupid little girls get pregnant have a baby and not me? Friends would call and tell me they were expecting, on the phone I acted excited, off the phone I would bad talk them and yell at them. Driving down the streets and I would see a pregnant person and I would think "what would happen if I just drifted a little"? Yes, I know that's a messed up thought but I still thought it. I even stopped going on Facebook all together so that I didn't have to see all the happiness a joy that was happening. It took me almost six months to get over what had happened.
During those six months, I had not gotten pregnant like the Dr. said I would. WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME?
January 2014- still no pregnancy. Time to visit the Dr. and see what is going on. The blood test told it all... you produce to much estrogen, which causes you not to ovulate. The way the Dr. explained my estrogen levels to me was "here is a normal women's estrogen levels, a little above that is a women on birth-control, and way above that is you. No wonder I was a LUNATIC on birth-control, I already had way to much in me. "We can fix this, take these pills during days 3-7 of your cycle and you should get pregnant in a couple of months". I started taking the pills and I was loving life. I was not ornery all the time, I could focus my thoughts on positive things, and oh my minstrel cycles were wonderful, 3-5 days with little-to-no cramping... a girl could get used to this.
Then it happened, a positive pregnancy test again- third times the charm right? NOPE, once again it was gone before I even knew it was there. My wonderful father gave me a blessing of comfort, which helped me come to terms with this miscarriage. This time it was Sean who showed the emotions, I know this sounds weird but his emotions comforted me. He was normal, and he did want children like I did.
So now what? Two weeks after a miscarriage and I feel I am at a crossroads. Do I start the pills back up and keep trying for children or do I start the adoption process?
Pro to pills= feel like a normal, non-hormonal person and could possible get pregnant. Cons to pills= sick for one week every month, weight gain is out of control 25 lbs in 4 months, possible get pregnant and lose the baby again. Pros to adoption= getting to love a child and her birth mother, Cons to adoption= TIME when will someone pick us? MONEY hoop after hoop to cross through with no guarantee of getting chosen.
WHAT are we supposed to do? We have decided: stop taking the pills for now. This doesn't mean we don't want children anymore. What this means, is that I don't want to gain another 25 lbs, so I need to lose a little weight before we start trying again. We have also decided to start saving money for an adoption. If we happen to come across a beautiful daughter of God, who is willing to place her child with us, then we want to be ready for that.
No, our journey is not over, and I have a feeling it wont be for a long time. But, I have come to peace with this trial in my life. I can now look at Facebook photos and feel honest happiness for the people in the photos. I can hear news about someone I know getting pregnant and not freak out after I hang up. I know I will become a mother one way or another. Ask me why I am not a mother, I am no longer afraid to tell you the answer. But what about the other girls who have not yet reach where I am at? When you are with someone, think before you speak... does she not have children because right now is not a good time for them, or does she not have children because right now is not the Lord's time for them? Either way, is it a question that she wants to hear... probably not.
