And Gumdrop makes three...

IB and I lost another little one at 10 weeks.  We had hoped that the third time would be the charm...but maybe four will be forever.

I'm not religious at all, but this poem really spoke to me.  I love the sentiment, so I thought I would share.

What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?

Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.

I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say:

’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.

I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!

Mother's Day

This year, Mother's Day is bittersweet for me.  This should have been the first Mother's Day that I got to celebrate being a mom too - not just celebrating my mom and grandma as I have for the past 32 years.  Unfortunately, Shamrock and Junebug aren't here in my arms to show off, but I carry them with me in my heart.

Some friends I met on TTCAL decided the group should do an Elfster gift exchange for Mother's Day.  Below is what my Elfster got for me.  I love it so much!  Of course, it made me burst into tears when I opened it, but it's just too perfect for words.  I like to think the hearts that make up the shamrock are mine, IB's, Shamrock's, and Junebug's.

I don't expect anyone to recognize me on Sunday, but I am a mother.  My two angel babies tell me so.  <3  <3

Crazytown

As of last Wednesday, we officially own two houses.  Don't we look happy?  :)

Texas Vaca

So we had a great week in Houston with our good friends S and S!  We ate a ton of awesome (and cheap!) food and visited the zoo, science museum, Battleship Texas, and the San Jacinto monument.  Best deal of the week?  St. Arnold's Brewery.  It's the oldest craft brewery in Texas and they do tastings and tours every day at 3:00.  For just $7, they pour you 4 beers and you can bring your own food into the beer hall - good times!  Here are some of my favorite photos from the trip.

 Me and IB after visiting the Houston Natural Sciences Museum.

 IB, me, S, and S at the Houston Zoo.

 IB and me at St. Arnold's Brewery.

 The tap wall!

 San Jacinto monument.

S, S, and me posing as sailors in front of Battleship Texas.

Thanks to our friends for being awesome hosts, and to their dog Pepper for not biting me (too much!).  :)

Everything's bigger...

...in Texas!  Heading there tomorrow to visit our good friends S & S who moved to Houston last summer.  Texas is probably one of the states I could have gone my whole life without visiting, but IB and I love our friends so off we will go! 

We don't have a detailed agenda, but I do know we wil be visiting the Houston Museum of Natural Sciences - I like to compare!  ;)  Looking at their website, I'm surprised to see you have to pay extra to view their special exhibitions.  Boo to that!  I also know we're going out for steaks one night and Mexican food another...mmmm.  And we're going to visit the Houston Zoo which should be fun.  Most importantly though, we're going to go tour two local breweries - yay!  Can't go wrong with a day full of beer tastings.

I'll write a full report when we return.  Yee-haw, peeps!

Shamrock and Junebug

A lovely lady I know from TTCAL made these for me.  Love.

A TTCAL analogy

A lot of people don't understand what it's like to try to conceive again after losing a baby.  Those lucky people who get pregnant so easily and get take-home babies after 9 months can never really know what it feels like to a woman who tried so hard to get pregnant, lost that little bean that she worked so hard for, and is struggling again to get her rainbow baby.  These lucky women can empathize, yes, but can never really know the pain of TTCAL.  A friend of mine shared this analogy with me, and it brought tears to my eyes.

------------------------------------------------------------

Let's say human beings didn't walk until the age of 20. Let's say everyone was in a wheelchair till the age of 20, at which point their musculoskeletal system become mature, and everyone's 20th birthday was the magical, overnight turning point.

You're so excited for your 20th birthday. You can't believe it's almost here! A couple of your friends are already 20, and you've seen them walking around. It looks like fun. It's the next progression. You turn 20. You stand up and take a step. Then another. Then another. Then you fall down, and the doctor tells you you're not ready yet, it's back to the wheelchair for you. But your best friend turned 20 the same day. And she can walk wherever she wants, whenever she wants. It's ok, you'll wait. A month later, you try again. This time, you're walking for a week! It's glorious! It's marvelous! But then you fall down and can't get back up, and it's back to the wheelchair for you. Meanwhile, your friends who turned 20 last year, they're not just walking. They're running. They're playing sports. They're jumping and swimming. And there you sit in your wheelchair, watching them. The doctors don't know if you'll ever get out of your wheelchair, the way that ALL humans are supposed to at age 20. They don't know why. They have no clue why when every time your 20-year-old self stands up, she falls and can't get back up. No one can offer you an explanation, nor a reason why it might happen for you in the future. You don't know if you want to try to walk again. What if you fall and break your nose again? What if you can't even stand up next time you try? What if, after weeks of walking, you forget how and no one can teach it to you?

-----------------------------------------------------------

It's not a perfect analogy, but it's the best one I've seen. It's something so primitive--you don't even know how hard it is to fail until you fail.  It's something so taken for granted that it never occurs to you how that other girl feels.  And it's something so integral but effortless to your own world, that you really can't understand the other side of the coin.

Big, squishy {{hugs}} to all the friends I've met on my TTCAL journey.  You are all amazing!