Happy Birthday Brian....

We woke up this morning and I told Bailee to go up and tell her brother Happy Birthday. She loves birthdays and birthdays in the family tend to last for weeks according to her. Brian's birthday will last a few days past today. Anyway, I planned to just wish Brian a "Happy Birthday", purchase a card with a little spending money and be done. His sister wasn't having that.
So, Bailee insisted that Brother have a cake. We went out to run errands and before we could return home I had to stop at the store to get Brother a cake and balloons. Three to be exact. When Brian returned home Bailee met me at the door and told him to close his eyes. She then led him into the dining room where his cake, balloons, and cards were waiting for him. I have to say that was really precious to see. She even sang "Happy Birthday" to him and dipped her finger in the frosting while she waited for him to blow out the candles. Oh, I didn't mention his cake had to have candles. Lucky for me I found some from candles to go on that chocolate cake. I ran for my camera because I needed pictures of the two of them together. I have to say that was fifteen minutes of the sweetest love shared between siblings and they idea came from a three year old.
I don't know how Brian feels about that moment but it was a special one to me. I will be thinking about that 24th birthday celebration for quite some time.

My baby is growing up...

Bailee will be 4 in 14 days....time is just passing by and I am enjoying watching her grow.

So, it's been a while....

I haven't blogged my thoughts in a few months.
There's been plenty going on (I met someone "NEW" and so far it's good) and not much as changed either (still working 3rd shift and sleep is elusive). Bailee has grown and boy does she have a little mouth on her. Who knew a one pound infant would be a pre-schooler that is smart as a whip and is outspoken too (I like the quality--sometimes). Amazing is what I think as I sit and stare at her.
My intention was to delete my blog because I thought it had become irrelevant and I didn't need to jot my thoughts down anymore. Surprisingly, the words are still relevant and of course my thoughts are still worth putting down for me to read later. It's good to see my growth written down even though thoughts are jumbled are garbled at times. I'm still a WORK in progress.

A New Year and I have work to do....

I'm feeling better now. I had that cry and it felt good. My heart hurt there for awhile too but I'm getting back to me. I've done some soul searching since that nonresponsive disagreement last week with Gene. He wasn't very forgiving which was probably something worth finding out now. I expected him to let it pass but he didn't. Maybe there was something else and that matter sent him packing. I did try for a couple of days the "please baby, baby please" but he wasn't having it. I did realize something though. I don't fight back (with words) nor do I argue. I internalize. When I'm being attacked verbally I withdraw. Rather than stand my ground I keep words inside. I simply shut down when I should speak up. It doesn't matter what words come later because the damage is sometimes instant and no words including an apology fixes the situation. That's my lesson for 2009. I'm going to find a way to argue my point without being defensive and not allow a situation to escalate into something bigger than it should be. I am really working on staying engaged and not making those "I hate" comments in my mind. They don't help. So, it's only the 4th day of the month and already I'm working hard to keep my practice in place. Trying not to be a bitter old lady. Some days are better than others but I'll keep at it.

Gonna have myself a real cry...

I'm going to have a real good cry before this year is over. I'm going to cry for all the things that went well and those that didn't go so well. I think I really want to cry because I haven't in a very long time. I'm been this strong, independent woman taking care of family, home and always acting as though I have it all together. That's been my reaction to everything for almost five years. Just get in done and don't feel. I haven't reacted to situations that truly called for either a serious down pour of tears or at least getting some things off my chest. I think I've only gotten worse in the past three years. I realized a few days ago that I have been holding so much inside and that's because I did something to someone who in turn reacted as he should have. I haven't really engaged myself mentally or physically in much. I was talking to Carlos at work about this situation and he actually took the opposing side. He said when he first met me I was cold and indifferent. He said over time as he's gotten to know me that I'm not a nice woman but that wasn't his initial reaction to me. He said I'm opinionated and tend to want the last word in arguments. He said I am stubborn too.
I am emotionally bankrupt and it's the critque to admit too. I was asked if I had ice water runnng through my veins and of course I had a flippant response. Hmmm, I've had many of those too.....flippant responses. It's as though I've prepared myself not to feel emotionally and I detach from situations then respond offensively. I really don't like this person I've become. I don't like that I don't cry, feel something or at least engage. I have retreated so far inside myself that I think it's the other person's fault when something is said I don't particularly like. I'm hardest on men. It's as though I'm anticipating their disappointment and I prepare to disengage before anything happens. I've been probably allowing that fear of rejection to fester for so many years that I didn't see it. So, I am going to pay much more attention starting now. I'll put forth a real effort to participate emotionally and not be a coward and withdraw. I'm going to be more aware and call myself out when I start internalizing situations that aren't meaningful or impacting.
I disappointed someone two nights ago and saying I'm sorry didn't fix it. Silly me thought I could be my ugly, moody, and short self and it would be okay. It wasn't. I've been thinking about my behavior alot since then. I was wrong. I know I need to deal with me. No one can hurt me unless I allow them too but the biggest hurt is that which I inflict on myself unnecessarily. I'll have to try harder to communicate and not redraw from situations that should be dealt with. I can't take back what I did to this other person. He's not being very forgiving either. I can't say that I blame him. I respect the fact that he called me back because a few wouldn't. He had his say and chances are I may never hear from him again. That will certainly be my loss. I have to face the fact that I may not fix it and if I don't then the next time I'll have to be more aware and caring about another person's feelings.
I have to do some serious internal searching and make significant changes going forward.
There is only one day left to this year. Hopefully, the impact of my behavior guides me to a better me. Otherwise, I'm going to be a very miserable woman.
It was such a simple matter but it had broader consequences.