Jan 15th

Four years ago this week, my mom requested to be placed on a pain pump, knowing that most people pass within days of being put on the pump. The following Saturday, with was Jan 15th, I had to take a very high stakes test, one that would determine if I was able to continue working or not: Praxis II, Pedagogical practices.

 I had totally forgotten about this test, a test that I was required to take within my first three years of teaching. I was reminded of it at the end of the prior year when another teacher had to take it. With that reminder, I signed up in July to take the test in January, figuring that would give me a few months to study and be prepared to take this test. However, my world fell apart that year as my mom's condition became worse, and we discovered her cancer.

January 15th, the day I was scheduled to take the test, came much more quickly than I was prepared for.Mom had been on the pain pump for almost a week, and Hospice said she could pass away at any time. My mind was not on the test. I was terrified mom would pass away while I was taking the test and I wouldn't be there. I was terrified someone would come in to get me in the middle of the test and I would fail and never be a teacher again. It was horrible! I couldn't even remember a single question. I was sure I failed!

The worst part was waiting after the test to find out how I did. In a way I was lucky. With my mom being sick, and then passing away, I didn't think about the results of this test.

I was blessed. No other way around it. In a time of high stress, when I couldn't even think straight, was hardly sleeping, and was in the midst of panic attacks almost daily, I not only passed this high stakes test, I excelled! I scored in the top 10%. I know I was being watched over. Much as I am being watched over now.

There is no doubt the past four years have been hell for me. My mom died, I had severe health issues and had to quit my job, and as a family we had the most financial troubles we had ever experienced, which also led to some marital stress.

I have prayed and prayed about what to do. How can I help our family? What am I supposed to do?

This past week has been a great reminder for me that i am being watched over. Last Thursday, I was checking my email and happened to see a posting from Teacher-teacher, a job listing site for educational jobs. It was for a teaching position at a residential treatment center in Southern Utah. I have always wanted to work in alternative education, what that looked like I wasn't sure, but I knew I wanted to work with kids outside of mainstream public education. So I saw this job, and felt something. I submitted my application, then proceeded to go about my day.

I signed up for a couple of subbing jobs, did some laundry, etc. and then., less than three hours after I submitted my application, I was called and asked if I would be willing to do a video interview via Google Hangouts the next day. I said sure. I figured I didn't really have anything to lose.

Meanwhile, one of the jobs I signed up to sub for, canceled on me. And I could never seem to get any other jobs. They were either way too far away (Alpine) or an Elementary school job, so I didn't have any work.

I interviewed on Friday. It went fantastically! The job sounded amazing; everything about it was like a dream come true! I wanted it. I wanted it bad! And Yesterday, I found out I had the job.

There are so many reasons why this is an answer to so many prayers. The first is Ryan and Sarah's health. Every winter, when the inversion hits, they both get really sick. Last year, Sarah had Pneumonia or Bronchitis four times in three months. She has already been sick once this winter, so I am very grateful to be getting them out of the bad air and into the cleaner air.

Along with better air quality, it is dryer, which is much better for Ryan's allergies. He can breathe so much better there than here!

Also a huge blessing financially. With me not working, things have been tight, to put it mildly. With this job, and me having an income again, we will be so much better off! We won't be rich, but we will not have to scrimp to buy bread either.

Another blessing is just for me. Because the winters are so much more mild there, I will be able to get out and go walking. It will give me a chance to feel better about myself again.  Plus I just need a change. Every time I drive down the highway, I see the care center where my mom died, and it's just hard. I need a positive change.

With this job, I see the hand of the Lord, someone I thought had forgotten me. And I am grateful. While this week is hard, and this day is hard, I am so grateful to be able to see some positive things happening.

Merry Christmas Adam!

My first year of teaching, school did not let out for Christmas break until end of classes today. December 23rd. All day my students would walk into the room and say "Merry Christmas Adam! Get it? Because Adam came before Eve." and then they would laugh and I did too... at least the first few times I heard it.

After my parents divorced, my mom would have a Christmas party at her place on the 23rd. It was a time for her to get to have all of her kids around. She loved it! We would usually have pizza, open gifts, and watch some cheesy Christmas movie. There was a lot of food, music, love, and laughter.

The day I had to work on the 23rd, Christmas Adam, I was so bummed. My kids were home. I had to be at my mom's at 4:30, but wouldn't get home from work until 4, and I still had to make whatever it was I was supposed to bring that day. I was so stressed! Now I would give anything to have that stress, anything to have my mom back.

This day was one I used to look forward to. It was the first of my family parties. Now it's a hard day.

4 years ago today, my mom was released from the hospital and moved to a rehab center where she would live out the last of her too short life under Hospice care. There were a few options of facilities. One was the choice the hospital's hospice company encouraged me to go to, which was an older medical facility in Provo, 20 minutes away from me. They tried to tell me that was the only facility that could see to her needs; the only medical facility that could supply the oxygen mom needed and had a registered nurse on staff 24hrs a day. Mom didn't want to go to that facility. She really wanted to go to a facility here in Payson where she could be close to family. Plus we knew the care center facility in Payson was brand new, and really nice. I needed more info, so I called a few other hospice companies. Hospice 4 Utah was fantastic. Before I had even made the choice of which company to use, they called me back and gave me so much useful information! They said the facility here in Payson also had a registered nurse on staff 24hrs a day, and they could also arrange to have the necessary oxygen available as well. They said that even if we didn't hire them, we deserved to have this information. I hired them.

Mom was transported by ambulance. It should have been easy and simple to transfer her. However, so much went wrong. The oxygen tanks in the ambulance kept failing, leaving mom gasping for air. She was also, understandably very distraught. Then when she arrived at the facility, several hours later than expected, the oxygen machines had not been delivered.

I felt so bad. Mom was gasping for air, yelling for help as the tanks from the ambulance kept cutting out, slowly suffocating. The ambulance driver kept saying what a mistake it was to bring her to this place; how we should have went to the other facility. They kept saying she was going to code, that she wasn't going to make it. How I had made a huge mistake. I was devastated. My mom was going to die,here, now, and it was my fault.

Mom didn't die then. Hospice took over. They made arrangements for mom to be transported to the hospital next door. She would be stabilized and moved back to the care center the next day.

Even though mom didn't die then, seeing her struggle and panic, gasping for air is something I will never be able to get out of my mind. I will always feel guilty about seeing her suffer, knowing it was my decision that caused it. It was the worst day I had ever been through. I couldn't even stay at the hospital until she was settled. I couldn't see her like that. I came home and sobbed until I went to sleep.

Christmas Adam, December 23rd, once a happy day that kicked off a string of celebrations is no longer a great day for me. It is now one of the hardest days of the year. Someday I hope to know that none of what happened that day was my fault. I mean, I logically know it, but I hoe to someday be able to forgive myself for my mom's suffering.

Someday. I hope, Christmas Adam can be a fun day for me again.

4 Years ago, today.

Four years ago today we found out my mom had cancer, and it was terminal. I remember sitting in the waiting room while she was in surgery, waiting for her doctor to come out and tell us how it went. Ryan and I were sitting in the same room as the vending machines because that was the room with the most comfortable chairs, even if they weren't the most private.

 The doctor came out and found us sitting there and said, "I'm sorry..." He spoke so quickly, and coldly. I am still upset that he didn't take us into one of the several private consultation rooms which were right around the corner. Instead he told us my mom was dying right there in front of the vending machines with complete strangers right there, watching and listening as I broke down in tears.

Bronchioloalveolar carcinoma, or BAC, Specifically mucinous BAC stage 4, a less common form of lung cancer found usually only in non-smokers. Accounting for only about 2% of all lung cancers, it is often called the "masquerading" cancer as it is often mistaken for pneumonia before it is found. It doesn't show up in a PET scan or CT scan, and can only be diagnosed with a tissue sample, which even then still only provides a diagnosis about half of the time. BAC is different from other lung cancers in that it doesn't spread to the lining of the lung or beyond to other parts of the body. BAC spreads primarily within the lung. If caught early, with only one tumor less than 3cm , there is a 5-year survival rate of 100%. Mom's was not caught early.

 The doctor went on to say my mom's lungs were covered with tumors. She was basically being smothered to death. When asked for his prognosis he stated, "She will never go home. I am not sure she will even make it out of ICU." I asked the doctor if she would make it to the New Year. His reply was that New Year's was a long way away for her. I backed it up to ask if we would have one last Christmas with her, and he said the same thing: Christmas is a long ways away for her.

 To say I was devastated is an understatement. I couldn't imagine life without my mom, and he was telling me she probably wouldn't even make it another two weeks. How was I supposed to accept that? How could I? How could I say goodbye?

 The doctor walked away leaving us stunned. I sobbed. Hard. And then I remembered that I had to call and tell my brothers. And my mom's sisters. And my grandma. And my girls. How could I tell all these people that my mom was going to die when I wasn't even wanting to believe it myself? I was not strong enough for this. This was too much. I felt broken.

My favorite Christmas decoration

My house is all decorated for Christmas. As I look around I see several of my decorations that belonged to my mom. They are some of my favorites, and even though some of them are broken and have been glued together, I can't get rid of them. They hold too many memories. Many of these decorations are ceramics my grandma made, which makes them extra special. They may be battered and broken, but they tell stories of my mom and my grandma, and until they shatter beyond repair, I will keep them.

 My favorite of all the decorations I have inherited is my mom's nativity that my grandma made. It is beautiful. It is a pearly cream with gold leaf accents. It seems to be alive as the pearl shimmers and reflects rainbows of soft colors. There are several pieces to the nativity: Three camels and the three Wise Men, Shepherds, Ox and Sheep, an Angel, and, of course, Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus in his manger. Each piece is unique and has my grandma's initials and the year it was made on the bottom. It was always the centerpiece of my mom's decorations, always in a prominent place where it could be seen and admired, usually on her china hutch. She would place white lights and angel hair under the nativity so it seemed to be floating on a glowing cloud. I have fond memories of lovingly placing each piece. When I was younger, I would spend countless hours rearranging the nativity to try and find the best way to showcase the nativity. I would place boxes under the Angel to make him appear to be hovering above the scene. I would try and have every animal and figurine facing toward baby Jesus in the center, yet I also wanted it to not look to "staged."

 I now spend hours trying to find the perfect place of honor for this nativity in my home. I don't have the china hutch to place it on. I no longer have the angel hair to place under it to make the lights glow. I tried placing it on top of a book case in my front entryway, but this doesn't work as it is too narrow for all of the pieces to fit safely. Last year it was on my coffee table, but then I ran into the problem of do I have it so you can admire it from the couch, or from the rest of the room? I have yet to find the perfect place for this nativity, but I still enjoy spending the time arranging each piece, lovingly, as I try the many different locations. I know that I will find the perfect place to showcase this treasured decoration. Until then, I will just enjoy each piece as I relive my childhood arranging and rearranging this nativity.

It's been a while...

Years.

I am not revitalizing this blog for anyone. I just needed a safe place to write. Since this blog is pretty much private, with like no followers, this is about as safe as I can get. And if I get to the point of wanting to share it, I can. But for now, it's for me.

As an update: I taught for six years. After a serious bout of depression, where I seriously considered killing myself, as well as some health issues, I made the gut wrenching decision to quit working for a while. I love teaching. It's like breathing to me. It was something I loved, and I felt like I made a difference.

So why quit?

I lost myself. I lost my self-esteem. You can't be a good, effective teacher if you don't believe you are a good effective teacher. As said, I was suffering from severe, almost debilitating depression. I would get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. I was exhausted all the time. I couldn't concentrate. I had a very short temper. All of those, but the worst was, I just stopped caring. I didn't care what happened at work; I didn't care what happened at home; I just didn't care about anything. You can't teach when you don't care, at least not effectively. So I quit.

I still don't know if it was the right choice for me, but I knew something had to change.

Once I quit, a few medical things popped up which made it so I couldn't have worked even if I wasted to, which did not help the depression. I was so severely deficient in several vital minerals and vitamins, so much so the Dr was impressed that I had been able to get out of bed at all, which explained a lot. I am still now able to do much, but I am doing the best I can. I am still getting into the classroom once in a while by subbing. It's not the same, but at least I am doing something, and we need the money (Ryan lost his job in August. He's working again, but not making what he was, plus no insurance).

The main reason for my writing now is the reason these next few months are the worst months for me. On December 10th, 2010, we found out my mom had cancer. And it was bad. And she would never go home again. The following two months were hell. Mom was moved into a care center close to my house where she struggled to breathe every day until she finally passed on February 2nd, 2011.

Over the next while, I am planning to try and write a bit each day, kind of as a form of therapy. I am not going to self-edit. I may not even worry about spelling. I am just going to try and express my feelings and emotions. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't, but It's something to do.

update..

So I decided to go private, and then just didn't have a chance to write anything. So here is a quick update:

Just before Thanksgiving, exactly a week before actually, Ryan had his tonsils and adenoids removed. He also had some sinus stuff done too. He managed to recover well, in fact he went and watched Twilight with me on Friday. However, he did go home, take a pain pill and go straight to bed. I honestly think he was most upset about not being able to eat Thanksgiving dinner. He sure tried though...

Thanksgiving came and went. Ryan and I went shopping on black Friday together and that was fun, since he has never been. He could not believe how crazy people were! I ran into several students from my classes. I am still not used to seeing kids I teach when I go shopping. Now I have to make sure I look decent before I run to the store. It kind of sucks! lol

Christmas was great! It was a fun, relaxing break. Ryan had some extra time off and we were able to enjoy a long weekend together as a family. We spent a lot of time playing the snow (and holy cow was there a lot of snow!). I lost my camera and have no pictures :( I did just barely find it, although I am looking for the cord.

Cassidy got her braces on. She looks cute! She had them put on Dec. 30th. Jan 16 she broke one. Yep she did not even make a month before we had to have an S.O.S. visit.

School is going well. I did get my letter asking me to come back next year, which was a big relief. I also had the department chair come into my room and watch for a while (and I didn't see him there) and he said he really liked what I was doing. He has the classroom next to me, so he does here a lot of what I am doing.

Speaking of what we are doing, we are studying Shakespeare right now. I went out and bought Twelfth Night because I didn't want to teach Julius Caesar, nothing against it, just not a play I enjoy that much. So that is what the sophomores are doing. The freshmen are studying Romeo and Juliet. Some of them are liking it, some are not. I do wish more of them would enjoy it, but oh well. I can't force them to like it.

I don't have any funny stories to add yet, but I will. I just can't remember them right now.

Anyway, life is plugging along, the kids are all fine, and we are moving forward and just thankful we have jobs...

Oh wait I do have one more piece of information. Our beloved van finally passed on. Yes we finally bought a new vehicle. and I am still having a mild panic attack, I have never had a car payment before. Never. I have always paid cash for my vehicles. But we bit the bullet and have a car payment. Oh what did we buy? good question! a 2008 Dodge Durango, steel blue. It came with all the features Ryan was looking for and none of the ones I was. lol. Guess who won there. Yeah, umm not me. However, we are adding my features as soon as our tax return comes in. Ryan's features: big engine, all-wheel drive, satellite radio. My list: heated seats, DVD player for the kids. Yep he won. I wanted a 2008 Chrysler Town and Country. But i was talked out of it. It's OK, really. The first time I drove it in the snow, I was smitten! It was so nice to not slide everywhere! And yes, I am now in love with my gas guzzling SUV, the thing I swore I would not own. I am so eating my words!

and that is the update for now!

I have a real excuse for not posting...

For real! The cord for my laptop broke and I can't access blogger from work. I just got a new cord, so I will be able to update more soon. But I am not sure how soon. Hubby is having surgery Thursday and we all know how men act when they are sick. I don't think I will be able to do much other than baby him. But that's ok.I don't mind.

In other news, I am almost done Christmas shopping. I can't believe it, but it is true. And so nice!

Ok, so there is the mini-update. Hopefully you will hear fro me soon!