Well, I got a little of course and schedule... the 108 days of writing post New Years is still happening, though, it will not be done in 108 days back to back! Because, life happens. Life changing chapters have been added to my story since last time I wrote. For whatever reason, this specific teacher has been very hard for me to write about. I am not quite sure why either... but during meditation the other day something came to me and it really speaks to my heart and relationship with Suzanne.
I believe this human is so hard for me write about because she has been with me for many lifetimes. I believe in past lives she has been a mother to me... and she has been in many lifetimes, a best friend to my mother. I believe this time around she decided to help my mom and stepin where my mom couldn't be available. We all came to this agreement. And it wouldn't serve me in this lifetime to be one of Suzanne's children, as I needed to feel grossly lonely, different and lost in this life to grow in ways I haven't previously.
Suzanne has been there for me like a mother ever since I can remember. Which is saying a lot considering she raised 5 children of her own. She is a woman how feats to her own tune but in such a humble way it's powerful. She doesn't boast and is very gentle. She is one of the most gifted of natural healers I've ever met. Her sensitive nature is one that I wish every human on this earth had.
Suzanne always put her children first. I was always envious as a child at the life she built for her children. She didn't miss a single meet, game, conference or important moment for her children. She made the most beautiful birthday cakes and ensured that every single one of her children felt equally loved and cherished.
I've never met someone who has a deeper connection to her animals. And I greatly admire that in her. Suzanne has taught me to so many things in life yet most are completely unidentifiable to the physical as most lessons have been the exchange of subtle energy. Things so deep there are not even words to define them.
For a girl who some would deem, an "orphan", I sure had the world at my hands with the powerful group of women who stepped up to help me grow in this lifetime. I am forever grateful for the gifts I've received from each and every one.
Friday, June 8, 2018
Friday, January 5, 2018
3 - GJN
3 - GJN
Yesterday was rough. I've been feeling sick so stayed home from work. I decided to allow my physical, emotional and energetic body relax for a day as opposed to pushing forward with my regimented 108 days of writing. I wanted soooo badly to be able to just write every single day but the truth is... I need to honor my body as it's my temple. When it tells me to stop and take care of itself, I must listen. So here I am back to writing. For some reason writing about my dad seems to be harder for me than my birth mom and mom. Perhaps this is due to the fact that my dad is a man of simplicity. What you see, is what you get. He is undoubtedly a man of high integrity. Where do I start?
My dad was born into a very special family of 8. He is the 2nd oldest and 1 of 4 boys. He grew up on a small farm in norther Minnesota. My dad was always special, and people saw that. He was different than his siblings. Sensitive. Brilliant. Mature. At a young age, a man whom my dad met at church saw this twinkle in my dads soul. His name was "doc" Franklin. The local MD who delivered my dad, my mom and just about every single baby born within a 60 mile radius of norther Minnesota. It was during this time my dad would shadow Dr. Franklin when he would be doing his rounds with patients. A young boy with a mentor who was willing to take him to work. So lucky. This is the time he first met my mom. Little did they know years to come they would one day marry and have me! As dad grew, dr. Franklin saw that their small town high school wasn't going to cut it for me dads intellect... so Doc paid for my dad to attend Maple Grove Academy down in southern MN. He would live in campus and come back during the summer months. He would be the only Nyberg to be sponsored by the Franklin family. During his first year, my dad was elected homecoming KING. Not court, KING. He kept this title all four years of attending the academy. He was also president of their electronics club and was a master watchmaker. He is a natural poet and a few of his poems were published. He was passionate about education and good at it!
My dad went on to attend college at Bemidji State. This is where he "met" my mom. I'm not certain of their initial meeting but I do know, my dad didn't treat my mom all that well their first go around. He was young, handsome, a jock, and 20... we will just leave it at that. As he matured my dad realized his soul mate was indeed my mom. He tried and tried to win my mom back but she stayed strong and refused, until one day when she received a poem from him in the mail. From there it was game over for SLN and GJN.
What I can absolutely respect and love about my dad is that he knowingly, married a woman who had an autoimmune disease (which he knew all about since meeting her when they were children in the hospital) which deprived her of her hair and left her with battle wounds all over her body, as well as all the symptoms that are associated with her disease. He also walked into their marriage, knowing, she could never carry her own child... he too desired to be a father. But he had faith. Faith in god. Faith in himself. Faith in my mom. He stood by her side as she anxiously yearned for a baby. He never blinked an eye when every moment together was of her talking about becoming a mom. He didn't question her when she hurt deeply after their first baby was taken away. He stood strong and supported her through it all. And there's been a lot.
My first memories are of my dad and I. My mom was always busy working and in my early years my dad was going back to engineering school. I remember crying my eyes out every morning when my mom would leave for work... only to go lay in bed with my dad as he comforted me. I had a fierce temper as a child and lots of abandonment issues. So hugs and snuggling where everything to me. I remember riding with him every morning on the way to daycare. I was too short to see anything but the tops of the trees as we drove. The truck would smell of coffee and cigarettes... I loved the way they smelt when my dad smoked them. We would listen to "Paul Harvey News & Comment" every morning. I would ask dad questions about the news. He would answer. He was the best dad to have for an overly curious little girl. My dad used to take me up flying with him in his airplane when I was little. He would practice stalls with me in the backseat of the Cesna! He would cross country ski with me hanging out of his old army backpack. He was the one to teach me to ski. He was the one who got me interested in nature and exploring the world... through National Geographic magazine. Every month we would page through together. I would ask questions and he would answer. He read to me, every single night until I was in 7th grade. We read every single "Adventures in Babysitting Club", "Sweet Valley Twins", and many other books together. My all time favorite was a National Geographic book about the moon. He never let on if he was annoyed at me for always wanting to read that very book. We would drive at night with the car lights off under the full moon. I would go to work with him in the "put-put" car (which was the one man rail car that slowly rode the tracks inspecting... he called it the put-put because it moved that slow). He would drive me down abandoned rail tracks at night with our lights off to show me the stars. He helped me every night with schoolwork.
To say I had a magical childhood and dad is an understatement. I am so lucky and thankful for my birth mother to carry me so I could be reunited with both my parents. I wouldn't be who I am today without all those beautiful memories with my dad.
To this day we continue on with our amazing adventures. My dad still works, hard. He supports my mom in every single way... even when she's being, well... mom. He supports me. Doesn't judge me or hurt me. He cries during mushy tv commercials. He doesn't complain when we go shopping and drag him along (he just reads his books). He's the first to hit happy hour with me. And one of my greatest teachers in life, ever.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
2 - SLN
Ahhh, day 2. I felt like yesterday I would've been more emotional thinking about my birth mom to in the morning but in reality I actually felt quite good. Yesterday was a full moon and absolutely stunning. Anyways, back to what's important.
Mom... a word that seems so normal, but for me, it's word that has come with much confusion and growth. My mom is one of the most amazing human beings I've ever met. I know most children say this of their moms, but I truly mean it and plan to tell you all about her!
It wasn't until just recently that I realized, before I was born, I chose my mom and dad to be my parents. But there was a problem, in this life my mom had chosen to live a life with an autoimmune disease which would make it impossible for her to carry a child. So, we found a surrogate (my birth mom). I chose my mom because she was able to give me the exact life I knew I needed this time around. It's crazy because we all sacrificed just so that I could live this life with her... she as my mother and me as her child. I am not certain if I've ever been her mother in past lives. I would say we've absolutely been sisters.
Anyways, back to my mom. She was born on April Fools day... 3 months premature weighing only 3 lbs. She fit in the palm of my grandmas hand. It's a miracle she survived but knowing my mom and seeing the perseverance that embodies her entire soul, it's not a shock to me. Being that in-utero, our eyes are the last to develop, she was born blind in her left eye. Because she was born in the 50's in small town with a population of maybe 100 people, she was put in a baking oven to keep her warm as opposed to an incubator. Through all odds, she survived.
In the early 60s my mom fell incredibly ill and was diagnosed with systemic Lupus. She spent close to 6 months in the hospital under the care of Dr. Franklin (my dad actually used to do rounds with Dr. Franklin and met my mom when they were teens but then again met in college). She had a couple of near death experiences and again, with perseverance, survived. Upon being released from the hospital, she was put on a cocktail of steroids. Which made her retain water and gain weight. My poor mom, being a mere teen, went from weighing around 70lbs to 300lbs, bald (due to medications) and no longer able to walk... she was limited to a wheel chair. The teenage years are hard enough, can you imagine going through all of that coupled with being a teen? What strength.
When my mom was sick, my grandma was busy raising 6 children as well as loosing her daughter shortly after birth. My grandpa, was also sick... but self induced. He was an alcoholic. He was cruel to my mom. But thankfully, my mom had her sister, Debbie to take care of her while grandma was busy. I will forever be thankful for her love to be able to be so young and care for my mom.
S was able to graduate on time, despite missing much school and being sick... talk about smart, and went on to attend college. It was here she met my dad, again, and they dated on and off. My mom was a hard one to lock down! She graduated college, took a job with Cenex, and has been there ever since... she is now the CFO. Talk about dedication, loyalty, and focus. I can hardly stay anywhere for a week let alone 40 or something years.
Being that my mom was unable to have children, they struggled to find their baby. Along the way, my parent's adopted a little girl (I'm unsure of her name)... she lived with my parents and was taken away from them shortly after when the adoption agency found out my dad wasn't catholic. This destroyed my mom. Imagine trying and waiting your entire life to be a mom, only to have it taken away from you. Another hard hit to my mom's heart.
Sometime later, they received a call about a little baby whom they knew nothing about who was available for adoption. They didn't know if this baby was healthy but my parents, on blind faith, accepted me. 6 months later I would be reunited with my mom.
She has gone through so much in her life... and always puts others before herself. I have watched her care for friends, family and even my ex-boyfriends as if they are her own. She is the truest definition of a mom, regardless of the fact she's never carried life in her womb. I've come to learn, just because you carry life in your womb it doesn't mean you are a mother... it also doesn't mean your child is, on a soul level, yours.
My mom is a woman every young girl should look up to... She's been breaking barriers before they were even discussed. She was the bread winner of our family. She had just as many male friends as she did male friends. She took appropriate amount of time for herself when she needed it. She was a female entrepreneur (working full-time and also running a successful business). She is crazy loyal to her husband... she always, and I mean always, sees the world through rose colored glasses. She is my, warrior. My mom and most importantly, the gem of my life.
It may have been a bumpy road to find each other, but we did.
Mom... a word that seems so normal, but for me, it's word that has come with much confusion and growth. My mom is one of the most amazing human beings I've ever met. I know most children say this of their moms, but I truly mean it and plan to tell you all about her!
It wasn't until just recently that I realized, before I was born, I chose my mom and dad to be my parents. But there was a problem, in this life my mom had chosen to live a life with an autoimmune disease which would make it impossible for her to carry a child. So, we found a surrogate (my birth mom). I chose my mom because she was able to give me the exact life I knew I needed this time around. It's crazy because we all sacrificed just so that I could live this life with her... she as my mother and me as her child. I am not certain if I've ever been her mother in past lives. I would say we've absolutely been sisters.
Anyways, back to my mom. She was born on April Fools day... 3 months premature weighing only 3 lbs. She fit in the palm of my grandmas hand. It's a miracle she survived but knowing my mom and seeing the perseverance that embodies her entire soul, it's not a shock to me. Being that in-utero, our eyes are the last to develop, she was born blind in her left eye. Because she was born in the 50's in small town with a population of maybe 100 people, she was put in a baking oven to keep her warm as opposed to an incubator. Through all odds, she survived.
In the early 60s my mom fell incredibly ill and was diagnosed with systemic Lupus. She spent close to 6 months in the hospital under the care of Dr. Franklin (my dad actually used to do rounds with Dr. Franklin and met my mom when they were teens but then again met in college). She had a couple of near death experiences and again, with perseverance, survived. Upon being released from the hospital, she was put on a cocktail of steroids. Which made her retain water and gain weight. My poor mom, being a mere teen, went from weighing around 70lbs to 300lbs, bald (due to medications) and no longer able to walk... she was limited to a wheel chair. The teenage years are hard enough, can you imagine going through all of that coupled with being a teen? What strength.
When my mom was sick, my grandma was busy raising 6 children as well as loosing her daughter shortly after birth. My grandpa, was also sick... but self induced. He was an alcoholic. He was cruel to my mom. But thankfully, my mom had her sister, Debbie to take care of her while grandma was busy. I will forever be thankful for her love to be able to be so young and care for my mom.
S was able to graduate on time, despite missing much school and being sick... talk about smart, and went on to attend college. It was here she met my dad, again, and they dated on and off. My mom was a hard one to lock down! She graduated college, took a job with Cenex, and has been there ever since... she is now the CFO. Talk about dedication, loyalty, and focus. I can hardly stay anywhere for a week let alone 40 or something years.
Being that my mom was unable to have children, they struggled to find their baby. Along the way, my parent's adopted a little girl (I'm unsure of her name)... she lived with my parents and was taken away from them shortly after when the adoption agency found out my dad wasn't catholic. This destroyed my mom. Imagine trying and waiting your entire life to be a mom, only to have it taken away from you. Another hard hit to my mom's heart.
Sometime later, they received a call about a little baby whom they knew nothing about who was available for adoption. They didn't know if this baby was healthy but my parents, on blind faith, accepted me. 6 months later I would be reunited with my mom.
She has gone through so much in her life... and always puts others before herself. I have watched her care for friends, family and even my ex-boyfriends as if they are her own. She is the truest definition of a mom, regardless of the fact she's never carried life in her womb. I've come to learn, just because you carry life in your womb it doesn't mean you are a mother... it also doesn't mean your child is, on a soul level, yours.
My mom is a woman every young girl should look up to... She's been breaking barriers before they were even discussed. She was the bread winner of our family. She had just as many male friends as she did male friends. She took appropriate amount of time for herself when she needed it. She was a female entrepreneur (working full-time and also running a successful business). She is crazy loyal to her husband... she always, and I mean always, sees the world through rose colored glasses. She is my, warrior. My mom and most importantly, the gem of my life.
It may have been a bumpy road to find each other, but we did.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
1 - Nam, Hee Ja
Today marks day 1 of the 108 days I've committed to write, meditate and pray to 36 of my teachers, 36 of things I am grateful for and 36 of what I would like to manifest in my life. I start with my past (teachers) and will go in chronological order of when this individual impacted my life, greatly.
I learned my first lesson at such a tender age, it was either in-uetro or shortly after I was born. My first teacher/guru, and truly the most influential, is my birth mother. I wasn't raised by my birth mother, instead, I was raised by my beautiful family in US (more on that for days to come). I struggled a lot as a child trying to understand why someone, such as my mother, couldn't love me enough to keep me. My heart hurt and deeply ached for answers. I felt alone, unloved and scared that whoever I touched would also leave me. I mean, if a mom can leave her own child, what would keep some random person from not leaving me.
I jumped from relationship to relationship testing each and every person to see if they would leave me. Most left, but some stayed. My heart began to change in understanding what was happening. Then in November of 2011 something happened, I don't know if you would call this an awakening, but a desire to really know me was opened. I left my, at the time, husband, I went on a solo trip for Christmas in New Mexico and signed up for YTT in January.
During my entire 5 months during my YTT, my birth mother seemed to be the focus of my emotional... everything. I truly had convinced myself that I was happy, over my adoption, and content. When in reality, I had just suppressed my feelings and buried them somewhere deep, really deep. It took me moving my body to release the pain stored within my cells. Slowly I started to write and talk about her. But the more that I did, the more upset and mad I was becoming towards her. This was something I didn't like. My entire life I have always chosen to try to blend in as much as possible... so being pissed at her made me also, feel different. What as happening? Why was this all bringing up so much for me? I felt out of control, yet so in control. The truth is, it was just the beginning.
When I started reading about what happens to baby while growing in their mommies tummies I lost my shit. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking about baby Meg, so innocent, not understanding... where did she go? I cried thinking of my baby self laying in a crib for days on end, rarely to be held. Yearning for the touch, smell, taste of her. What a confusing emotion for a baby to feel... to be alone.
When my parent's first got me they said I didn't cry at all. I would just lay in my crib and stare. They thought there was something wrong with me. When in fact, I had learned that crying didn't work as a form of communication. Instead I would zone out and go inwards. Something that I still do to this day. I was a loner as a child. I lived in a world of imaginary friends, daydreams and a endless possibilities. As I grew I was taken outwards. Which is good and bad. Good because it has forced me to become social and bad because the creative little me is gone. Or maybe she's not gone... just lost similar to the sad little baby that I found back in 2011.
The weird thing... my adult me actually went back and saved the baby me. I told myself it would be ok and that life was going to be hard, yet amazing. I'm not sure about time travel or other dimensions, but perhaps this is truly why my life has been so wonderful. That I was always meant to go back and help the baby in me. That somewhere I always knew that I would be ok. And that I could bury these emotions until the adult me was ready to help me go baby me go through these together.
My birth mom has taught me more in 37 years than any other human could possibly imagine. Every day, I am tested. Some days I pass and other days I fail. But there is always a new day... the days of depression, anger and resentment become fewer and fewer as I mature/work on myself. But the greatest lessons my birth mother has taught me is, to never quit learning. Never forget where you came from. Never forget that it was all designed this way. Nothing is by chance. Never forget that sometimes love is something you cannot see... Love lives in your heart. I've learned that I can connect my heart to anyone... even if I have never "met" them or they are miles upon miles away. I know that right now she can feel the gratitude I have in my heart for her. I'm sending her all my love and thanks for the many life lessons that she has taught me, that she continues to teach me.
Sometimes our greatest teachers are those that create the most pain, suffering, hurt and don't stay long. Don't overlook those who have come into our lives for the purpose of showing us how strong we are. How resilient we are. And guiding us to our true north.
I learned my first lesson at such a tender age, it was either in-uetro or shortly after I was born. My first teacher/guru, and truly the most influential, is my birth mother. I wasn't raised by my birth mother, instead, I was raised by my beautiful family in US (more on that for days to come). I struggled a lot as a child trying to understand why someone, such as my mother, couldn't love me enough to keep me. My heart hurt and deeply ached for answers. I felt alone, unloved and scared that whoever I touched would also leave me. I mean, if a mom can leave her own child, what would keep some random person from not leaving me.
I jumped from relationship to relationship testing each and every person to see if they would leave me. Most left, but some stayed. My heart began to change in understanding what was happening. Then in November of 2011 something happened, I don't know if you would call this an awakening, but a desire to really know me was opened. I left my, at the time, husband, I went on a solo trip for Christmas in New Mexico and signed up for YTT in January.
During my entire 5 months during my YTT, my birth mother seemed to be the focus of my emotional... everything. I truly had convinced myself that I was happy, over my adoption, and content. When in reality, I had just suppressed my feelings and buried them somewhere deep, really deep. It took me moving my body to release the pain stored within my cells. Slowly I started to write and talk about her. But the more that I did, the more upset and mad I was becoming towards her. This was something I didn't like. My entire life I have always chosen to try to blend in as much as possible... so being pissed at her made me also, feel different. What as happening? Why was this all bringing up so much for me? I felt out of control, yet so in control. The truth is, it was just the beginning.
When I started reading about what happens to baby while growing in their mommies tummies I lost my shit. Sobbing uncontrollably thinking about baby Meg, so innocent, not understanding... where did she go? I cried thinking of my baby self laying in a crib for days on end, rarely to be held. Yearning for the touch, smell, taste of her. What a confusing emotion for a baby to feel... to be alone.
When my parent's first got me they said I didn't cry at all. I would just lay in my crib and stare. They thought there was something wrong with me. When in fact, I had learned that crying didn't work as a form of communication. Instead I would zone out and go inwards. Something that I still do to this day. I was a loner as a child. I lived in a world of imaginary friends, daydreams and a endless possibilities. As I grew I was taken outwards. Which is good and bad. Good because it has forced me to become social and bad because the creative little me is gone. Or maybe she's not gone... just lost similar to the sad little baby that I found back in 2011.
The weird thing... my adult me actually went back and saved the baby me. I told myself it would be ok and that life was going to be hard, yet amazing. I'm not sure about time travel or other dimensions, but perhaps this is truly why my life has been so wonderful. That I was always meant to go back and help the baby in me. That somewhere I always knew that I would be ok. And that I could bury these emotions until the adult me was ready to help me go baby me go through these together.
My birth mom has taught me more in 37 years than any other human could possibly imagine. Every day, I am tested. Some days I pass and other days I fail. But there is always a new day... the days of depression, anger and resentment become fewer and fewer as I mature/work on myself. But the greatest lessons my birth mother has taught me is, to never quit learning. Never forget where you came from. Never forget that it was all designed this way. Nothing is by chance. Never forget that sometimes love is something you cannot see... Love lives in your heart. I've learned that I can connect my heart to anyone... even if I have never "met" them or they are miles upon miles away. I know that right now she can feel the gratitude I have in my heart for her. I'm sending her all my love and thanks for the many life lessons that she has taught me, that she continues to teach me.
Sometimes our greatest teachers are those that create the most pain, suffering, hurt and don't stay long. Don't overlook those who have come into our lives for the purpose of showing us how strong we are. How resilient we are. And guiding us to our true north.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Get over it
I'm sick and fucking tired of feeling defeated and knocked down. Loosing my third pregnancy and I'm so empowered to make things right. Make me right. No more drinking, no more eating like shit... Yoga, writing, meditation, cleansing and finding true happiness. I have the most amazing love supporting me every step of the way. I've lost so much yet gained even more. I've realized that I have the most amazing parents. My mom, though she can drive me crazy... Is such an special person. I've been so lucky to have her. And my friends... Oh my god, they've been my rock. Seriously, friends who I've lost touch with have come back into my life. I feel so lucky to have them all. And lastly... To ryan, he truly is the man I want to grow old with. His love, patience and strength have persevered and I see that. He will never give up on us. I love him so much. As for me, I need to fucking rock this world with ME! I need to no longer apologize for who I am. I WILL wear my emotions and my mistakes with honor. Fuck you to all those who think I need to fall into their costume of what success should look like. Newsflash... You're about to be proved wrong. And I cannot wait.
And if you can't tell... I'm a little angry. Which will be the fuel I need to attain my goals and prove all you male gossip queens wrong.
And if you can't tell... I'm a little angry. Which will be the fuel I need to attain my goals and prove all you male gossip queens wrong.
This is for you my army of angels...
GSB 10-05-09
TSB 10-05-09
Lama1 12-21-12
Lama2 12-21-12
Walk1 04-09-16
Walk2 04-09-16
Walk3 04-09-16
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Help
Huge sigh... Where do I even start? This past year has been one for the books. Seriously, I feel like I've been challenged in so many ways and expected to pull myself together because western society is beyond fucked up.
This year started out on a deeply sad note... Tonya Woodland, Aubrey Fahl, and Louise Jull, three beautiful humans all passed away this winter. My heart breaks for their family and good friends.
In May, my best friend... Athena Mary passed away from cancer.
Recently, I felt that all of the sadness happening around me had been redeemed. I was so proud of myself for being "strong" and felt like God was rewarding me for working through the sadness. I found out in August that I was again pregnant with triplets (I've been pregnant twice with twins in the past). What an amazing surprise... I was over the moon with excitement and hope. Only to be told a few weeks ago that two of the sacs had "vanished" and that the one sac left is unviable. Talk about highs and lows.
The doctor game me three options to proceed; surgery, medication or natural miscarriage.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Athena Mary
I'm in shock... Seems like so much has happened in the past year. So much in terms of spiritual growth and change. My life will never be the same. And I know this exact moment was meant to be... And the inner workings of my dear friend Athena Mary.
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