Collector's Edition: Last Ryan Post

So I haven't had any communication with Ryan for almost two months now. I didn't crumble under all that pressure. No email, text, or ping. Nothing.

He leaves today for his Uni. How do I know? Well, I read the conversation he had with one of his friends in the social-networking-website. I know what your thinking, so no, I'm not stalking anyone. Well, not anymore anyway.

When I was reading the messages he had exchanged with his friend, I kind of felt strange. It was like reading a conversation between two strangers. Or someone from another life. And then somewhere in my mind I heard Christina Applegate go "This Guy???" [mandatory FRIENDS reference]. It seemed like I didn't even know him. It seemed as if I had created a version of him in my mind and I fell for that. I just don't know.

I thought when this day would come I would be heartbroken and sad. Surprisingly I am neither.
In fact, I am simply amazed at how calm and collected I am. Though I do have this trickle of emptiness somewhere in my heart.

Do I still love him? Well, not anymore I think. I still have some feelings for him buried somewhere in my heart but I don't think I love him anymore. I think subconsciously I've come to accept that him and me are never going to happen. Can we ever stop loving someone? I don't know.

However, it doesn't mean that what I felt for him wasn't true. It was. The pain, the emotional turmoil, it was all true. I lived it for more than three years.

I also believe that people enter our lives to teach us a lesson or to help us move along in our journey and that once we learn that lesson they exit our life. So for that I am thankful to Ryan. Because of the feelings I had for him are what ultimately led me to confront myself a few months ago, and be able to find the strength to be my true self. So his leaving the city is kind of symbolic too.

Am I crazy or am I just reading too many self-help books?? :P

The funny thing is he has no fucking idea!! To him I'm still the good friend turned casual acquittance.

Am I ready for my first gay relationship? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.
All I know that whatever this is, I can now try to move on with my life. [look at me, I'm growing up!!] To the next exciting/mildly boring chapter. Or in the immortal words of Joey Tribiani It's time to pick up a spoon [I really to stop referencing lines from FRIENDS. It's like a disease or something].

So hopefully, as the title specifies, this is my last post about Ryan. And, for the sake of sanity, finally I can bring myself to say:

Goodbye Ryan, Have a nice life!! Thanks for the memories. We will always have that plate of Maggie Noodles.

A personal achievement and other updates ...

It's been 17 days since I have contacted Ryan. 17 fuckin days.

(I may be congratulated, sent gifts including chocolate and/or money, given a blow job my Matt Lanter)

I have never been known to display such self control. Though I still do think about him err..umm...ahem..... sometimes ......ok .....a lot of times ....... fine ....everyday, I can't get his cute fuckin face out of my head .......... happy now? However, no matter how much I think about him, how much I obsess about him, I have NOT tried to contact him. I know it doesn't make any difference in his life, but it makes a huge difference in mine. He's going to be leaving for Uni soon. He'll be gone for two years. Again, not much of a difference because even though we have been in the same city for the past three years, we have not met. I even gave up dropping random hints that we should meet last year.

I once tried to be good friends with a common friend who was close to him? Does that make me a bad person? or that makes me crazier?

For most of last week I was asleep. I'm not kidding. I was usually up only one or two hours for most days. Side effect of some medicine.

Does not liking any sport (only watch football and wrestling for the hot guys) make me more gay?

My Inner Voice

So while most people think I'm a little special (read: crazy), one of the reasons is that damn inner voice. The reason I can't make up so many of my decisions is because of their chatter. So here's what usually happens:

(iv = inner voice)

Scenario 1: When I am about to ping Ryan on the social-networking site

me:- i think that's good, eh?
iv1:- Really? You call that good? Who are you, chief wigam from the simpsons?
iv2:- Nah that's fine. Just send it, it's already been half a fuckin hour. I wanna see some porn.
iv3:- it needs to have some sort of secret gay code....
iv4:- are we aware of any gay subtext?
iv5:- Zack Braff is so hot ......
iv2:- just send it jackass ...
iv1:- No. Make it a little interesting. Ask a question. And the second line is so not funny.
iv3:- remember, don't complement him so much ... we don't wanna scare him off do we...
me:- shut up guys ... im sending it ...
iv1:- well don't come crying back to us ....
me:- fine. (Clicks on send)
iv2:- now let's see some naked boys ....
iv1:- ure such a whore ..
iv2:- ahhhhh. Thanks, bitch.

Scenario 2: Waiting for Ryan's answer

me:- he hasn't replied yet
iv1:- it's been 10 minutes u asshole. Stop checking your mail.
iv3:- i hate to be the voice of sanity here, but maybe he won't reply.
me:- WHAT?
iv2:- dude, don't get him started. I don't wanna hear Cry me a river the whole day.
iv4:- Why? I loveee that song ....
iv2:- You are soo gay ...
me:- haloooo, aren't we all ...
iv5:- If they could get Zack Braff and Justin Long to do it on camera, woudn't that be super?
iv2:- Yeah......
me:- hey .. he still hasn't replied ......
iv2:- Maybe... just maybe because he has a life ......
me:- fine ... shut up ... all of you ... i'm goin off to sleep
iv1:- It's 10.00 Am asshole ......
iv3:- Dude .... this guy doesn't have a life ...geez louise ..

Scenario 3: On why doesn't Ryan like me ..

me:- Why doesn't he love me like I do?
iv1:- dude you really need a scriptwriter ... Stop stealing lines from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. ......
iv2:- It's probably the total lack of personality ...
iv3:- No ... It's the nose ... the lips aren't that good either ... and the eyes ... Ahem .. it's the whole fuckin face .....
iv4:- Nah .. it's the ass ......
iv5:- maybe he's straight .....
iv1:- dude ... u don't know anything ... just stay in your fantasies ..aright ....
iv5:- No seriously, I mean he can be straight, u never know ....
iv2:- Nope. That's not it. It's the face.
me:- I'm fine as I am. He should accept me warts n all.
iv2:- which warts? You told him about your warts? You're such a fool.
me:- No .. That's a figure of speech.
iv2:- Can you please put the fuckin self help book down. What are you, a pussy?
me:- Hey ..... watch it now ...
iv1:- Yeah .. Please we don't use such language here ..... no reference to female genitalia, it makes us wanna puke ...
iv2:- Fine. What are you, ugly betty? Shut up and get some plastic surgery done ...
iv3:- and while you are at it, the ass can use some work too ...
me:- You guys are crazy. I'm happy as I am. No changes. Shut Up.
iv2:- Put the book down idiot. Go hit the gym.
me:- I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow.
iv4:- Really? Stuffing your face with food and sleeping the whole day can tire you?
me:- Yeah .... I also did some work ......
iv3:- Wanking is not work you asshole.
Me:- Fine. I'll go for a walk. But I'm not going to the gym.
iv2:- Whatever.
iv1:- Yeah. Whatever.
iv3:- Procrastinating asshole.
iv4:- Guys .. cmon .. give him a break ... Now put on cry me a river ......
me:- well, it tears on my guitar these days ....
iv4:- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A GUITAR ...
me:- just a song ....
iv4:- freak.
iv5:- James Mcavoy, sounds so hot with the accent ....


Now you know what I'm up against? And no. Please, Put down the phone. I don't need rehab.

YOU tell me ...

So I finally heard from Ryan about the text I sent him here. Though he did not reply to my text, he pinged me on a social networking site. His reply is two weeks after I wished him for his Uni interview.

So basically his reply is:

sup ___ . srry for replyin late ... my i/views went really bad ... ______ not very promisin .... u temme?

Now, what do I do? Do I reply at all? To be fair, his i/views did not go very well so maybe he didn't feel like replying. But don't I deserve better .... Now do I continue contact with him (as per my pledge) or just leave it? Remember, he doesn't know that I have feelings for him, to him I'm just a casual friend.

So what should I do? Any suggestions?

One thing led to another ....

So Ryan and I were playing basketball. I, was, of course, winning. And then suddenly, due to a sudden maneuver by me, he scratched his arm. So naturally, we went to my room and I got the antiseptic and the cotton and started to apply that on the wound. We were standing so close to each other that we could smell each other's sweat. When I touched him, there was a certain kind of electricity that passed between us. We glared into each other's eyes and we knew. One thing led to another and before you could say "Hallelujah" we started kissing each other. It started with a small peck on the cheek. Then we found each other's lips and then we let our tongues play with each other. What followed was a moment of pure ecstasy. We could even hear a thousand symphonies playing in the background. We then moved on to the bed. We undressed each other with an earnest eagerness. We made love like it was meant to be. We were hungry for each other and it showed.

And then suddenly, the phone rang and I WOKE UP !!!!


Yes, this was my dream. Fat chance of this ever happening in reality. Even though I hadn't thought about my Ryan the whole day, I woke up to this dream. And this was a dream that I truly felt. It was so..so surreal. I have never been able to recollect most of my dreams but boy ... I remember this one to the last detail.

Though I am now perturbed. Am I still thinking about him subconsciously? Is this a representation of the juxtaposition of my mind? Or is it just a plain and simple projection of a fantasy? Well, for now, I am going to drop all the psychology and just enjoy the thought.

Something Stupid...and it sucks

Did you hear about the mattress tester who was fired? He stayed awake on the job.

..... Speaking of being stupid ..... (that's why I opened with a stupid joke) ...... I did try to contact Ryan again. On the day he was supposed to be interviewed for his Uni, I sent him the following text:

Hey bro ...best of luck with your i/view, it's today isn't it? .... Let me know how it turns out .....

Yes, ladies and gents, I am now officially a stalker ... not literally but I guess to Ryan anyway now. And ..... and this is a very important and ..... I got no reply. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zer-ooooo. Not even a "hiya, thanks mate" .... or a "it went great ... i love you too ..." . Well I know I am pushing it with the last one, but it would've been nice to be acknowledged.

It's times like these when I fell the need for a gay friend or a straight friend who isn't homophobic.
So I can discuss this with them and they can stop me from shooting myself in the foot and be angry with me and shout at me with a i-told-you speech when I go ahead and do it anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a deserted island. No gay friends. No gay acquaintances. No gay contacts. My only contact with the gay world seems to be this blog which itself only has about 1 reader(s) (besides me.....I am appalled that you would think that...though I don't blame you). This says a lot about my social life right now. All my friends are either busy/married/pissed at me/overseas.

And the worst thing is that I don't even know if anyone's gay or not and how would I approach them. It just sucks.

I do yearn for a gay/non-homophobic friend who I could talk to just about stuff and discuss the whole Ryan thing with them and they would stop me from making such stupid stupid mistakes.

In the end, I followed my own advise (no.. I do NOT suffer from MPD .....although this particular blog entry is written by Zanny B) and deleted Ryan's number from my mobile. Not that it would help much, but I have finally decided not to contact Ryan at all, again. So ..here goes nothing. Again.

Random Thoughts ...

What a week!! My room was being renovated so I had to shift to another room :gasp: :gasp: . And I had to get some work done, which if you know me, is mostly impossible. So, I was busy selecting the color of the paint, the design of the sofa and busy thinking how great it would be if I could get Anthony Antipov to paint my room wearing only boxers.

And since I was on the other side of the house, I had to be a tad bit social, which if you know me, is impossible. So, I had to actually greet people who came over to meet my family. Usually, when we are invaded by an army of guests, I go to my room, but since it wasn't available :sigh: :sigh:, I had to actually make nice with people, which if you know me is mostly impossible.

I had to disconnect and reconnect the computer twice.

So I was reading a few blogs and I realised that I'm on the wrong side of 20. 25 to be precise.
I was looking at some pics of Ryan Sheckler and all through the hotness I felt like a creepy old man!!

I usually do beleive that things don't happen before their time, but I feel that I might have passed my Gay prime without even coming out ... :( :( .

I know ... I know .... I need to see a therapist, which, if you know me, is never gonna happen.

My newly renovated room looks good. Yay!! The fruit of my hard work (Right!!) ...... I hope to have some gay sex in this room ..... soon, which, if you know me, might take some time. The only thing missing is a big life size shirtless poster of John Cena, which if you know me, might not happen in this hemisphere.

By the way, I DID end up pinging Ryan ... I know ... glutton for self destruction/moping around. I found out he is going to go for an interview to Uni in two days ....... Now the big Question is whether I ping/text/mail him or go personally/ask him to get a restraining order.
In the interest of fairness/proving that I am not a stakler (who am i kidding) ... I'll just wish him with a text and sing "cry me a river" waiting for his reply (which, if you know me, is a strange but distinct possibility).

Should I ?

So there is this test Ryan gave and I really want to ping him and ask him what his result was. Depending on what his result is, he will either stay or go to uni. Though I am really curious, I don't wanna ping him and then go through the following process:

- me taking an eternity to come up with a decent question
- deep anxiety over whether he will answer it or not
- pure ecstasy when the reply is received from him
- withdrawal symptoms once the reply has been read followed by a sudden maddening urge to go out and "play" with him
- a long bout of depression
- restarting the process of getting over him

And that's the good part. So if I ask him, I would need to go back to Phase 1, which is a totally bad place, but if I don't I'll still go back to phase 1 because i'll keep thinking about it.

I know nothing's gonna happen with him ever, but I just can't seem to let go. And I really don't want to go through the whole process again. I've succeeded a bit in trying not thinking about him at least for the past two days, and been a bit cheerful, and no matter what answer I get, I'll be yearning and sulking for a few days.

Do I lose his friendship (or whatever is left of it) because of my feelings or do I maintain a distance with him while I get over my feelings for him? Also, will I ever be able to get over him, ever? These are questions to which I don't have any answers to right now.

Sometimes, something as simple can be as complicated as the United Nations.

Him ... Who??

Let's call the guy I like, nay I LOVE, whom I'm trying to get over because I've really let the candle burn too long, Ryan.

So Ryan and I really hit it off when we met. As I've said before, I guess I fell for him the minute I saw him. Untill then I knew I was gay, but I never had such a moment. I'd like guys before or lusted guys before but this was like KAPOW!! Well we got to know each other and over the next few weeks we really hit it off and became good friends. We used to hang out the whole day together (at work) and talk on the phone while going home or while at home or keep IM'ing each other.
I sometimes used to totally lose myself in front of him and once I called him "baby" in front of lots of people. No one noticed or even if they didn't no one said anything. (See this is strange cause I'm a total straight guy in front of everyone, and I play the part VERY WELL).

He used to send me mixed signals like feeling up my legs and saying "Nice cloth on your trousers" always buddying up with me during our training and then talking about chics or something. So I was always confused.

He once played a gay part in a play during our training, and we used to exchange a lot of "your're" gay banter with each other. There were a lot of mixed signals. Dunno if they actually were mixed signals or I'm reading too much into them but I always got this vibe from him.

So after a few months he left the company to pursue his studies and we only had two long conversations after that. Once over the phone and once in person. Then we used to exchange infrequent emails. Now over the past year, all we do is post one or two messages on each other's profile on a social networking site.

I haven't seen him for the past three years. I never let myself think about him because I immersed myself into work. It's that ever since I have been off work I just can't stop thinking about him. And It's driving me crazy. Now he's going to go to Uni in another state. And I think we're gonna lose touch forever.

I'm trying my best to get over him but it is an uphill task. Not that I can do anything about it. I've wanted to go and tell him, but I just can't. I cannot risk being outed right now. He'll always be the one who got away. Or maybe we'll cross our paths one day. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic.

So, Ryan, I know u'l never know and I can never say this to your face, I love you. I wish you the best for your life and hope that you find love, someday. Even if it's not me. Goodbye Ryan. Goodbye.

I just can't stop thinking about him. It's as painful as a permanent wound. I just can't stop. I go forward in the direction of getting over this but then something pulls me back in again.

What kills me most is that I can't just walk up to him and tell him. It is so complicated. Even if I did, it would be disastrous. BIG TIME. I try to convince myself that he feels the same, but in my hearts of hearts I know he does not. His liking and my liking are like apples and oranges. I want to shout out from rooftops but I can't. This is the only place where I can even talk about it. It's just rotting inside me. It makes me want to give up everything here and go somewhere else. All I want is to forget him. Get him out of my mind. Out of my life. So i can move on. Go ahead with my life.

Right now it seems that my life has come to a standstill. I want to fight with God for this but that's not something I can do. I just want to howl away a the top of my voice. I hate everything that makes me feel this way. I am tired of fighting my own self.

It's not easy being the my true self. I can't talk about this with anyone. I am trying to handle this on my own and all that is happening is that I am sinking and sinking and sinking.