Homeless Blogger

Wow - so the past several months have been CRAZY. Partly crazy because of the upheaval of our lives, and partly crazy because I just feel crazy. Things really never go as planned, which makes me feel like, why have a plan??

Spencer has been working almost non-stop on our house for the past almost 11 months, and probably even more feverishly the past couple months. We expected to be finished and all moved-in sometime in October. Spencer has been under incredible amounts of stress, both physically and mentally, which doesn't help me at all since my lack of him only adds to my own stress and sometimes depression. Sometimes I really wonder why we decided to build a house this way because it has been very hard. At the same time, I have to remind myself to not be such a complainer because after all I am getting a new house!

So back to the thinking that we would be moved-in sometime in October. Things were really going pretty well on the houses so naturally we put in our 30 days to our landlords for the end of October thinking that would give us plenty of breathing room for moving etc. However the closer and closer the end of October came the more likely it seemed that we would not be able to move in. The problem was, that our antsy landlords also happened to fill our apartment with new renters starting November 1st. So regardless of not having a home to move into yet, we had to move out of our apartment on Halloween.

Since then we have been staying up in freezing cold and snowy Kamas, with Spencer staying some nights with my brother Joel in Provo to stay closer to work. It hasn't been TOO bad up here really, I just get really bored sometimes and very anxious and upset that we STILL can't move into our perfectly new and finished house. We are essentially homeless and that is kind of hard. Oh, and the reason that our house is completely finished and HAS been for a week or more but we still can't move in is because when our development was getting created there was a little portion of road down at the dead end that was never finished. However, the city is forcing them to finish the road before they will issue occupancy permits to anyone. What is frustrating is that they knew the road had to be finished and had ALL SUMMER TO DO IT! But did they? NO! And now they are making all of these families wait to move into their homes until it is finished - which was supposed to be today but because of the weather probably won't be until tomorrow. I cannot even explain how frustrating this whole thing has been - just suffice me to say that I would never do it ever again nor would I encourage anyone else to do it. Moving out of our apartment was stressful enough but not even having a home to go into was tons harder. I'm sick of Rural Housing development, supervisors that don't communicate, lazy subcontractors, and city governments and all the bureaucracy that goes with all that.

Someday all the frustration will go away I'm sure. I'm just so ready to finally be in our own home where we will be free to do what we want, and where I feel like I can really start taking care of my family the way I've always wanted to. Plus having Spencer around occasionally will be wonderful. Anyway, everyone pray that they will give us our keys in the next day or two. Maybe then I'll feel more capable of re-engaging myself into the blogging world again.

I will admit I've been trying to keep my mind off of things today as I have finally succumbed to my mothers urging, as well as others, to start reading the Twilight series. So I've done it - today in fact. So we'll see how it goes, but I have a feeling that I had better read quickly or we'll never get things moved into our house!!!!

Fabulous Online Reading. . . .

Quite a few months ago my aunt emailed me with a link to this blog that I checked out and now absolutely LOVE. It is a blog written by LDS women that is very positive and up-beat (compared to some blogs out there at least) and often hilarious! I just find that I really identify with the things these women talk about and I know that many of you would also enjoy it. If any of you know who Emily Watts is (a well-known LDS writer and speaker) - well she is one of the contributers - and she is amazing and hilarious. Just thought I'd share.

Its called Light Refreshments Served - enjoy!

A New Revolution

For some reason I just haven't felt much like blogging lately. I don't know why. I guess I just haven't been making the time. (Its a reflection of my blog template. I hate it. Its ugly and boring, but I wanted it to be that way until I figured out what I really wanted to do with my design. But really who knows when that will be. . . .) However, ugly or not, now I feel more ready to write down some of my thoughts of the past month or so.

It has now been about a year since we began to learn about my little Benjamin's challenges. I can honestly say it has been the hardest year of my life. By far. But saying that, it is amazing to look back and see how blessed I have been! Our Father in Heaven is truly looking out for us. He knows our needs better than we ourselves know them.

But anyway, I have been on a complete emotional roller coaster over the past year. Benjamin's condition is so unique - not a single doctor, therapist, or anyone that knows Benny has seen another child like him or with the same condition. So because of that I have never had any direction or idea what he is going to be like. No one knows anything for sure. Its not like if you had a child with down's syndrome or something like that where it is so known what their condition will be and where you could have a whole support group of families and people who are dealing with the same thing you are. There is just so much unknown with Benny. And that is what makes it hard.

I have gone back and forth so much. Many days I have been sick with worry and fear that Benny would be physically and mentally disabled his whole life. And then many other days I have felt perfectly at peace and known that he would be perfectly fine and end up just like most kids. I'm sure this sounds completely stupid to most of you, but unless you have a child with some major disabilities it would be hard to understand. Because of course I know that either way, someday he will be perfect no matter what, but it is still hard to worry about the day to day problems and challenges that could be/are mine to face.

I know this will make me look really bad but there have been so many times when I have wanted to get on my blog and vent and be negative and complain and be probably rude because I felt that it wasn't fair that almost everyone else has children that are perfect and don't have any problems and that everyone can blog about all the cute and amazing things their perfect children are doing and learning but I couldn't. Because my baby WASN'T doing any amazing and new things. It sucked and I felt sorry for myself. I know, I'm a brat.

Because obviously there are so many people who have children with TONS of problems and most with problems TONS worse than Benny's. I know I am spoiled and impatient. That is probably why Father in Heaven gave me Benny. I have to be so patient with him in everything! But do you know what? I'm learning. And I'm learning that patience is paying off with him in multitudes!

In fact, its probably been over a month now that I have not been on such a roller coaster. I've finally learned that honestly I can't listen to any of the little comments made by Benjamin's doctors and therapists (and not that they've made bad comments, but just little opinions they may have stated about his development in general) because they don't even know him!!! But I DO know him. I know Benjamin better than any other person on this earth and that makes me a Benjamin expert. And from everything I know about him, I think that he is amazing. And I also know that he is extremely smart and I now no longer worry about his mental development (ok that is kind of a lie - I do worry cause I know he is behind - but everything he shows me each day tells me that he will catch up and be fine eventually).

I also know that he is a lot stronger physically than I used to think. He is going to get there, but as with everything with him, it is going to take time and patience. But he will get there because his spirit is so strong and I can just feel him wanting to jump out of my arms everyday and run around and do everything that he sees everyone else do. And because of that desire I know he will do it. It will just take work.

When Tanner was a baby physical achievement was everything. But it was easy. He was physically great - and probably always will be. Its like when you take your child to the park you sit and watch them and the other kids around them and you kind of judge them all and the different abilities they have and you try to think to yourself or guess how old each of the other children might be in relation to your own "perfect" child. At least this is what I did. Maybe I'm the only crazy one - but thats how I used to be. I feel like I'm confessing my sins. But back then I was the one who had confidence in my child's abilities. I would almost pity the parents whose young children had not yet mastered the art of climbing and sliding and all the different things kids do on playgrounds. I know. I'm such a bad person. But wow - now do I know what it feels like to be on the opposite end - the EXTREME opposite end.

I have found that I am so much less judgmental of others since I have been blessed with Benjamin. I've learned that you really do not have any idea what other people's experiences and backgrounds are so you have absolutely no right to sit and judge complete strangers. There is no way you can really understand why someone might be a certain way unless you actually know them very well.

For example, I now HATE it when complete strangers ask the ages of my kids. And it inevitably happens whenever you go anywhere with children. And I am also guilty of this so thats why I can say it. But do you know how much it sucks when complete strangers ask me how old Benjamin is and then I get to see the look of shock on their faces and read the misjudging going on in their heads like - "wow - you must be a really bad mom because your child is like a year older than my NEWBORN and he can't do anything." I know this is probably exaggerating, but it has happened to me. Like a few weeks ago in Target - but I won't go into that. Anyway, I don't know why I shared that - because its not a big deal and makes me look bad.

I guess the point is that I hate being misjudged. It has always been one of my biggest pet-peeves and I feel like I am always misjudged. I know I'm just paranoid. But anyway. . . .

So now that I have practically written a novel that probably no one has finished because it is so long and boring and rambling I don't really know what my point is. Actually, now I just remembered. My point is, that this past year has been very difficult, but I have learned a ton and I'm sure I have a ton more to learn. But I am now in some state of peace with Benjamin - it helps that he has been doing SOOOOO well lately! Not only is he probably the sweetest child in the world, but he is eating and drinking so well (this was a challenge for a while) and is getting stronger and crazier and is definitely a normal little boy! He even quacks! He actually knows what a duck is and quacks when we ask him! That was huge for me - to actually hear some sort of bright vocalization that is telling me that he does know what we are talking about and he is learning.

But anyway, I'm sorry for the crazy, rambling post, but it really feels good to get some of that negativity off my chest. Even if everyone thinks I'm a crazy messed up person and has no idea what I'm talking about.

Memories

A lot of my friends and family have been doing this - so I thought I would too!

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Since this is our family blog, feel free to leave a memory about any of the four of us.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. :)

Our House

I finally have a moment to put up a short post. So everyone is always asking me about our house so I thought I'd try to get some pictures up with a little explanation. Unfortunately the pictures are taken with my phone camera since we still haven't gotten a new camera after the waterfall event. So they aren't the best pictures and you can't see that great - but you should at least get the idea.

We are getting so excited. The end is finally near! We should be moving in by the end of October. For those of you who don't know we have had to put in at least 30 hours a week to build our house along with 10 other families' houses. All 11 families have been working together to build each other's houses and no one can move in until all 11 are finished. So its pretty cool - but extremely difficult. Spencer has not had a free Saturday since last December and is gone a lot of evenings trying to get all our hours in. He has worked so hard and I'm so grateful for him!

I would definitely not do this again though if we had the opportunity. It has been really hard and right now its hard to say if its really worth it. So ask me when we've been living in our new house a month and by then it will probably be worth it - hopefully. Its just been kind of rough at times.

But anyway, we are excited to finally be in a new house with a big yard! Tanner is the most excited about his backyard. He talks about it constantly. If you have little boys, you can imagine how hard it is to live anywhere without a yard. In fact, we picked our house plan mostly because of the lot it was on - almost the biggest one in our subdivision - and its in the cul-de-sac.

So here it is so far - still a bit to do - we will still be putting stone on the outside and landscaping of course - its nothing fancy but it will be perfect for us. We are excited to have everyone come and visit!
The view from the back - we're excited to have a walk-out basement! (as soon as we cut the door out that is)

Montana . . . . Finally

So now that its been over a month and half since we went to on our little trip up to Montana, I'm finally blogging about it! It was such a great trip - the boys were so good, we had so much fun, and we really enjoyed the much-needed family time. I apologize for the amount of pictures, but they just went so perfectly in the chronology of our trip!

The first day we drove up to Rexburg, Idaho - didn't want to do too many all-day driving days with the boys. It was really fun to have some time in Rexburg though and to see the new Rexburg Temple. It was so beautiful and Spencer and I enjoyed being able to spend some time there alone - thanks to the convenience of traveling with my parents.

The next day we took our time and drove through Yellowstone. Here we are at some waterfall - don't remember which one. But it was really cool.



Grandpa and Tanner walking through some hot pots.

Waiting for Old Faithful to blow. . . .

So I swear that I remember Old Faithful lasting a lot longer, and being a lot cooler. But oh well, Tanner thought it was cool and it was - while it lasted.

So Yellowstone is a really big park. We forgot how big it was and we had to drive all the way around it in order to get up to where our hotel reservation was for the night. We got kind of bored of driving that day, but at least the scenery was gorgeous! I got bored and started taking pictures through the window while we were driving. So sorry for the quality of the pictures - but it was just so beautiful that I couldn't help it!

So my brothers were getting bored on our drive too. Trevor and Nathan had their heads sticking out of the car for a long time - singing at the top of their lungs. Crazy boys.

This picture was taken after we had left the park and finally gotten into Montana. I had no idea how beautiful Montana was! I swear, its definitely got to be one of the most beautiful places in the world. Everywhere we drove there was beautiful. Well, except for maybe Butte. . . .

So here are some random pictures taken while playing at a couple different lakes. I cannot say enough about how beautiful it was. The pictures do not do justice. And as you can see Tanner has no fear of the ice cold lake water.

Some friends of Claire's parents even let us use their paddle boat and kayak at their house on a private lake! There are a lot of lakes up in that area - not quite like Utah. Here we just have reservoirs. (unless you go up in the Unitas of course.)

Tanner and Nathan

And so finally the real reason that we went up to Montana - for Joel and Claire's reception held up there at her parents house near Kalispell. Claire's parents were so nice to let us all stay at their home for a few days. We had such a great time!

Look at this awesome groom's cake they had made for Joel!! It had rice crispy treats inside. So awesome and perfect for him.

And all the groomsmen - my bros of course.

The reception was very nice up there. And the food was amazing. Its all about the food of course. . . . .

Nathan and Benny

Spencer lookin' hot as usual. . . .

The bride and groom taking an opportunity to eat some of the great food. (Classic Joel)

Some of us just chillin' towards the end of the reception. . . .

Cutting the cake (which was a cheesecake). The Huckleberry Chocolate was amazing.

Crazy Tanner and Crazy Daniel. They really have a special bond. Daniel has influenced Tanner in so many ways - good and bad. Just kidding. Their both just crazy. Thats probably why they get along so well. Tanner is going to miss him so bad when he leaves on his mission in a few weeks!

So we were able to make a quick trip up to Glacier National Park - which as with the theme of this blog - was absolutely beautiful!!! It was kind of sad though cause you still couldn't even drive through half the park because the roads were still closed because of the snow!! It was pretty cool though to see the part we did see. But it was starting to get dark so most of my pictures didn't turn out very good. But here are a few. . . .


Cute pic of mom and Trevor that actually turned out. . . .

This tree is still alive but was hollow inside - so we all wanted a picture inside it together. I think it was a cyprus tree but I'm not sure. The trees there were so different from here. They were kind of like the Redwoods - but not.

There was so much water rushing down this river - but you can't tell really well in the picture. It was cool.

Silly Daniel and Trevor.

Trying to take a family photo with Daniel pulling his usual moves -

And the real one after he stopped being a goof.

Ok, so on our last day at Claire's house, Claire's dad was so nice and wanted to let Spencer and I get a ride in his helicopter. It was seriously so awesome and fun - kind of scary - but absolutely worth it for the amazing view. How would it be to live in such a beautiful place?

Here are some of the pictures I took while up in the helicopter - I was surprised they turned out as well as they did - it was so beautiful!

This was a lake that he landed next to - it was so cool. I think that being a helicopter pilot would pretty much be awesome.

Spencer going up. . . .

And getting out. He enjoyed it, but got a little motion sick so was happy to be done. Its fun to tease my weak stomached husband!

We also capped the whole trip off with getting some plastic for a giant slip-n-slide down their hill in their back yard. Everyone had a blast - Tanner of course loved it. I didn't do so well however. My body is not made anymore for running full blast and landing hard on my stomach and flying down a hill like that. I think I'm getting old.


Daniel of course was the returning champ of the slip-n-slide. He is pretty much a pro as he also was the champ of his high school slip-n-slide competition.

Oh funny. Hmm, I wonder which one is the recently returned missionary and which one is the missionary in waiting with nothing to do but work out?

Joel, Claire, and Claire's sister Meredith enjoying the view.

And last but not least, grandma and grandpa holding Benny while everyone else enjoyed the slip-n-slide festivities.

So in a nut-shell, that was our trip to Montana. We would really love to go up there again someday. I had no idea how beautiful it was! Sorry it was such a long (and probably boring) post, but I really just needed to get this up before I forgot everything.

Good Song

Spencer discovered this on youtube and we have been listening to it all week! He's addicted and I really like it too so I thought I'd share. These guys took 6 really good songs and put them all together as though they are 1, and anyway, it is just a really good mix. Enjoy!

Six Songs Collide

Blogging back-up

So a little over a week ago we decided to be spontaneous and just go camping for a couple days. We decided we really needed to take advantage of some time we had - and we also realized we had never been camping before with just OUR family. We've been camping with extended family, just never on our own. So last Sunday night we headed up to Kamas and after a fun family dinner with some folks we pulled my parents tent-trailer up into the Uintas and ultimately ended up at Soapstone - one of my favorite spots growing up. I have so many memories up in those mountains!

Having a trailer is definitely the way to go with kids by the way. We've decided we may have to invest in one someday. For now its nice to have parents to bum off of. Anyway, we had a really great time. Tanner was absolutely ecstatic to go camping and especially to go fishing! We bought him this little "Lightening McQueen" fishing pole a few months ago and he had never used it yet. He's been so excited to go fishing. So funny how he already thinks its like the coolest thing ever to do even though he's never done it really. Just shows the influence of a daddy. Spencer loves to fish. I just hope Tanner keeps his love of fishing cause I don't think he really had tons of fun the whole time since he never actually caught a fish. He got frustrated with Spencer trying to help him and so eventually we just let him do his own thing in a little puddle that didn't even have any fish in it. But he was happy thinking that he was fishing anyway - and no daddy hogging his pole. He was pretty excited when Daddy caught a couple fish though - so that was fun.

So on Monday afternoon we drove up higher to the Upper Provo Falls where there are some cool waterfalls. There are trails you can just hike down along the river and there is just waterfall after waterfall - it was so beautiful and so fun! You could get in the river and there were fun pools and stuff. However, there was one tragedy there. I was sitting by a pool holding Benjamin in my lap and he was really interested in my camera. So of course I let him hold it for a minute. Not very smart - before I realized he had dropped it in the water!!!!! So all the pictures we took on our trip are lost. But worse yet - my camera is ruined. Thank goodness it was just a cheap one that I've had a couple years - but still! I was just grateful that I acted on what I feel was a prompting and downloaded all our other pictures onto our computer before we went camping. THAT would have been a tragedy.

But anyway, we had a really great time on our little camping trip. My parents and brothers came up Monday night for a little "family night" together. Tanner loved roasting marshmallows. Its just so fun to be up in the beautiful mountains! But I will admit it is a lot of work and it always feels wonderful to get home and shower. But overall I think its still worth it.

So who knows, I may be without pictures for a while. We'll see what I can talk my hubby into as far as a replacement camera. Luckily I still have a ton of pictures from Montana and my Uncle's wedding and the 4th I think that I still haven't found time to blog about. I've been meaning to but time flies and its often hard to find time to blog. So maybe now I'll be able to catch up - yay! So hopefully there will be more to come soon!

Trampolines

Chillin' on the tramp with my boys at grandma and grandpa's house.




Shots of Benny while in my lap.





Tanner pointing out every single bug he sees.


Spencer, Cody, and Trevor. Boys never grow up.