20 Things I Want to Tell Engaged Women by Joy Forney

Saw this in Patty Laurel's blog (http://www.pattylaurel.com/2012/08/20-things-i-want-to-tell-engaged-women.html) and decided to re-post.

The article is meant for engaged women, but after more than 3 years of living together with Jai, some of the items are good reminders for me in my role as his wife. Minsan kasi madali makalimot as we go through our everyday routine.

1. Marriage is made up of two good forgivers. Because every marriage is made up of two sinners. (Romans 3:23)

2. At some point, you will have to learn that life isn’t all about you. (Philippians 2:3)

3. Don’t listen to women that tell you that passion fades…it doesn’t have to! (um…all of Song of Solomon)


4. Don’t give up. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13)  

5. He wants a kind wife, not a maid or another mother. Be nice. (Galatians 5:22-23)

6. Give your husband the gift of your respect. He needs it more than you know. (Ephesians 5:33)

7. Be mindful of your expectations.

8. Honor the Lord above all things. Colossians 3: 17

9. Find your worth and security in the Lord, and don’t look to your husband to meet all of your needs.

10. Be very careful about reading romance novels, they set you up for an unrealistic view of romance.

11. Real romance is finding that one spot in the crook of his arm to snuggle into, that shared look over the dinner table when the kids are acting crazy, and the way he fixes the leaky sink when he is dog-tired after work.

12. Love is about relationship. The more I love my husband, and seek a relationship with him, the less critical and duty-bound I become. It is similar to my relationship with God.

13. Be thankful for the husband you have. Accept him as he is, not for what you want him to be.

14. Don’t compare!! Don’t buy into the game of comparing him with anyone else’s husband.

15.The Biblically “normal” marriage is filled with joy, connection, laughter, and peace. It’s not free of hurt feelings and conflict, but they know how to process their pain with one another so that they live more often in a meadow than at the scene of a train wreck. This is not the average marriage, but it normal – -because it is a visible display of Jesus’ relationship with His bride (Ephesians 5:22-33).

16. Your marriage is a testimony!

17. Pray for your marriage. Pray hard.

18. I’ve heard that is gets better with age. I have to say in my short {13 year} experience, that is so true.

19. Where there is God, there is always hope. Even for the most broken marriages. “With God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

20. Marriage is commitment and sacrifice. But it’s also the best, most wild ride you will ever have with your best friend.

Househelp woes

It's nearly 11pm and I'm resurrecting my blog with this post. I just need to rant - not for anyone to sympathize with me but just to let it out of my system.

Our previous househelp left because she said she wants to go home to finish school. Jai's parents found her for us in Zamboanga. That's another story, but she became very close to Khalel and although she's not the perfect househelp, we trust her at home and with Khalel. And up to now, Khalel still looks for her. She left sometime in July and when she left, I told Jai maybe we could live without a househelp for a while because I liked doing things on my own and I also treasure peace and quiet without having to worry if the househelp has already eaten, what she's doing, if she's ok, etc. Or maybe we could just hire a stay-out househelp who'd come in every weekend to wash clothes and clean the house. But I was pregnant (and couldn't iron clothes for the life of me!) so Jai decided we needed a fulltime househelp. His officemate recommended an agency that promises househelp even on the same day you'd call them. This is their website: http://www.maidagencyphilippines.com/. They were true to form; Jai called them lunchtime and before I came home from work, a househelp was already at home.

This was July 17, 2012. Yes, wala pang 2 months. Magaan naman yung loob ko sa kanya in the beginning. She was very diligent and respectful, to say the least. She would wash our bathroom every day, which was a bit weird for me and I felt baka sayang lang sa tubig. She also washed our kitchen clean and would always clean our room immediately after we wake up. I just got creeped out a few times because she would text me "Ingat po kayo Ma'am, nag-aalala po ako sa inyo." (apparently because I was pregnant and carrying too many bags to work) Wala lang.

Soon after, when I'd call her to ask for something, her reply would be "O!" or "Mmm!" -- which, I felt, was uncalled for and bordering on disrespect. I never answer that way to my supervisors - pero pinapalagpas ko lang because I thought baka hindi naman sila well-educated to know that it sounds a bit bastos. Jai also told me to call her attention to it if it's really making me uncomfortable but I decided against it. These replies came not just once but several times in her first month. After a few instances, medyo naiinis na talaga ako and I found myself thinking na plastic sya because when my parents or Jai's parents are here, she answers super duper nice pero pag kami na lang, dun lumalabas yung "O!" at "Mmm!" I'm not asking for the moon here; I told her not to call me "Ma'am" because I find it uncomfortable but she insisted on it.

One afternoon, I went home early from work because I wasn't feeling well. I gave her P1,500 so she can buy some groceries. That same night, I was brought to the hospital and had to be confined for 3 days. When I got back from the hospital, I asked for the receipt and the change. The receipt said my change should be P400 but she only handed me P100. Her excuse was pinambili daw nya ng sabon. Okay. I let it go and did not tell Jai, but I felt discomfited especially because I already asked her a couple of times before then if she lacked toiletries so I can buy it for her. She said no. I also told her she can use the shampoo/soap/toothpaste in the bathroom. And P300 was a bit too much to spend on toiletries, right? I asked for the receipt of the toiletries she bought, she said wala daw.

After a week, she sheepishly/pa-cute-ly asked if she can advance P1.5k because she needed to pay SSS for several months' worth of contribution. I said I'll ask Jai but I was really just buying time -- actually, I couldn't believe she's asking for an advance when she's only been with us for 2 weeks!!! But Jai agreed kasi kawawa naman daw. But she texted me kung puwede daw P2.5k na lang. I met her in the middle and let her borrow P2k. She asked if she could go to Pasig to hand the money to her sister/brother who takes care of her SSS. Overnight. I told her to go home early the next day - only because she has only been with us for 2 weeks and pa-overnight-overnight na sya. At 10am the next day, she said she'll be a little late because she has to "mail" the money pa to the province. Eh akala ko ba andun na sa Pasig yung pagbibigyan nya ng pera?? Hindi ko na lang sinita but I was fuming inside. I hate it when househelp lie. Puwede naman magpaalam nang maayos.

During one of our weekend visits to LP, we brought her with us. Apparently, she told our househelp there na "maraming chocolate si Ma'am Bom sa bahay" kaso walang Coke. And upon seeing the row of Coke cans in the pantry at LP, she asked our househelp if she can open 1. Our LP househelp, true to form, told her not to open anything kasi sya nga (our LP househelp), only eats/drinks "luxury" items pag kami yung unang nagbukas. And that LP househelp of ours has been with us for 12 something years na.

One day, I was out running errands and I texted her that I opened the windows but should it start to rain, she should close them. I did not expect any reply, but she replied and told me she acknowledges and that she got P30 from our dresser because she had no load to reply to my text. Omygod. I was driving and I felt the blood rush to my head. I was tempted to reply rashly but opted to save it in drafts and wait for a while. When I did reply, my reply was pretty straight to the point. I told her not to get money BEFORE we tell her it's ok. She apologized and said it won't happen again. But I was still very upset. We always leave loose change lying around the house for emergencies and she's the ONLY househelp who has the gall to get some for herself. Pero in fairness to her, nagsabi sya - but only after the fact.

All these happened during her 1 month stay with us. In the time she's been with us, yung pagsagot nya ng "O!" at "Mmm!" -- patuloy pa rin, which really really really irked me. So minsan admittedly, nasusungitan ko sya. I should have called her attention right from the start. Our water bill also doubled because of her frequent laundry and super-duper OC bathroom cleaning (even if I've already told her to just wash it 2x a week or kung marumi na talaga) and who knows what else. I knew she was scheduled to do the laundry the next day, so I texted her the night before and told her to proceed with the laundry the next morning but if she could try to save on water and on detergent (Tide and Downy) because our water and grocery bill increased for the month. I phrased my text to make it sound like I was asking for her help because she's part of our team. The next day, I think nasungitan ko sya nung umaga. She went to her room and after a few minutes, I received several texts from her. Wag ko raw sya hanapan ng grocery kasi kailangan din naman daw nya kumain ng 3x a day and sobrang pagtitipid na raw nya sa tubig, minsan daw hindi na nga sya naliligo (WTF!!!). And isa pa raw, wag ko raw sya sungitan kasi madali daw sumama ang loob nya (at the back of my mind, I was thinking, it's my prerogative kung gusto ko magsungit!). I had no choice but to talk to her. She was crying. What the hell. I made it clear na hindi pagkain yung sinasabi ko sa grocery - I meant grocery items, such as Tide, Downy, dishwashing liquid, Zonrox, etc (every week since she arrived, I had to buy Downy and Zonrox!!!). I apologized for the times na sinusungitan ko sya and I told her it was because of her disrespectful replies to me. She apologized and we made peace.

Sometime in between all these incidents, she borrowed P100 to buy load. Grabe na ha, ginagawa nya akong alikansya. So far, what I've given to her are the ff: P300 from the grocery change, P30 for load na kinuha nya sa dresser, P2k advance, and this P100. And imagine, wala pa syang 2mos sa amin! But that's not all! 2 days ago (yes, 2 days ago), she told Jai she got P20 from our loose change again to buy load. OMYGOD. Yes, di na kami natuto at nag-iwan pa rin kami ng change, pero akala ko ba hindi na mauulit?!? And why does she need so much load in the first place?!? Hindi marunong magtipid? I explicitly told her in our face-to-face conversation that she has to conserve her load. Sabi ko suggestion lang naman na tipirin yung load kasi mas important yung ipapadala nya sa mga anak nya.

And then today! Hay! I bought special monggong hopia for myself yesterday. I'm 5mos++ pregnant, always hungry. 4 pcs yung laman, I ate 2 last night as midnight snack, and when I was about to eat the 2 other pieces this morning, 1 na lang yung natira :( I know 1pc sounds small, but still! And there are other food issues as well:

1) My brother once bought 5 pcs Spanish Bread for me. That same afternoon, I ate 2 pcs. I happily left the 3 other pcs on the table, and I wouldn't have mind if she ate it for herself. Pero yung kinakainis ko is she "hid" the remaining 3pcs sa kadulu-duluhan ng taas ng ref, presumably para hindi ko makita and she can have it for herself. Tama bang magtago ng pagkain sa amo??

2) She ate 1 whole bar of white Toblerone that's meant for me.

3) Nagpaluto si Jai sa kanya ng corned beef for breakfast. Pagdating daw kay Jai, sobrang konti na lang (and Jai knows the portion kasi mahilig sya sa corned beef), kasi kumuha na sya for herself. It sounds silly, yes, pero sana nagpaalam diba? Or sana nagsabi sya na gutom sya, so Jai could've said na 2 lata na lang yung lutuin.

4) Nagbukas si Jai ng Spanish Sardines. One bottle costs P130-150. He does not eat everything in one go, so I usually keep the leftover in the ref. When he wanted to eat the rest, isang piraso na lang yung natira :( While all the rest of the delata I buy for her, andun lang sa likod ng cupboard.

5) Jai opened a medium-sized Piknik last night. When he opened it again this morning, ang una nyang reaction ay "ikaw ba kumain nito?" (pertaining to me) and showed me an almost-empty canister.

I have a free-for-all policy when it comes to food in the ref/pantry. I do grocery usually every week to restock our pantry, and I ensure there's tasty bread on the table and local chips/biscuits for merienda. I told her when she's left alone, she can just cook whatever she wants from the freezer. I've read stories about homeowners locking their ref/cupboard kasi garapal yung mga katulong kumain. Hindi kami ganun. I never even label our food. Kung anong ulam namin, yun din sa kanila. They can eat with us for all I care. They can consume all the iced tea/juice they like. Pero sana marunong pumosisyon. Wag kakain ng mamahalin unless nagpaalam na sa'min or we've told her explicitly that she can eat it. I don't know yet how to talk to her about it, especially after what she told me na wag ko sya hanapan ng groceries kasi kailangan din nya kumain 3x/day. Sana lang, sana lang talaga, alam nya ang posisyon nya sa bahay. I do not belittle her role, but some of the food are really just meant for us. Hay, help, Lord. Jai helped me kanina because I told him about my hopia (and he knew I was really looking forward to that hopia) and apparently, he told her off already and even mentioned the almost-empty Piknik canister. Hehe. Go, Jai!!!

We're thinking of letting her go already. Yung advance nya na P2k, I told her I'll deduct it on an installment basis and so far, I've only deducted P500 -- kasi nga diba, wala pa syang 2mos sa amin. But we're almost 100% sure we're letting her go by Sept mid-month and we'll just get the remaining P1.5k from her salary. I just hope the agency can replace her without billing us for agency fees (which was P5k the last time).

Right now, I'm secretly hoping she leaves in the middle of the night or when we're at work, just so I don't have to deal with her anymore. She's just added stress, which I really don't need at this point in my pregnancy. Sinusungitan ko sya the whole day today and just this evening, lumabas sya ng kwarto nya to eat and to wash the dishes nang pasinghot-singhot. Baka sumama na naman ang loob nya sa pagsusungit ko. Rawr.

I promise to write about more positive things in my next entry. I guess the whole point of my entry is this - where have all the good househelp gone? Our current househelp in LP has been with us for 12 or so years. Before her, we had a househelp who stayed with us for mga 12 years din before she decided to go home and get married. The househelp in Jai's parents' house has been with them for 4-5 years. I keep asking myself kung ako ba yung problema. I'm not perfect and admittedly, I can be masungit. But I only become masungit pag may hindi ako nagustuhan sa ginawa. Maybe my fault in all of this is I should've confronted the problem WHEN IT HAPPENED, rather than keeping it to myself and nilalabas ko as pagsusungit. By doing so, I also let the incidents balloon waaay out of proportion.

If I were to choose, I'd still choose someone from the province -- mas madaling turuan, mas ma-respeto, and more often than not, mas mura yung suweldo. I mentioned that our current househelp is very OC in cleaning the house, I give her that much. Kaya rin kami nahihirapan mag-decide if we will let her go or not. But I would rather deal with a dirty house than deal with someone whom I cannot get along with. I can teach anyone how I want the bathroom cleaned; mas mahirap ituro yung tamang pag-uugali.

Welcome back! Welcome, big changes!

Hi again :) It's been AGES since I last wrote here.. (I think I've used that line a few times over the lifespan of my blog :)) But I'm on a serious attempt now to write again. I need this!

Right now, Typhoon Pedring is howling ever so loudly outside. Khalel is fast asleep, Jai still at work. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of our small home, but I also miss playing with Khalel and talking or watching TV with Jai. There's really not much to blog about today, but there's been major changes since my last entry.

I've now been a fulltime housewife and mother since August 10, 2011. It's just really been technically a month, but it kinda feels like a year :) I resigned because I was really tired. Yes, if everyone resigned everytime they're tired, zero people would have jobs today. But I was really tired. I've been at it for a total of 7 years, 4 of that with Unilever... I've learned so much, met countless friends, grew a thousandfold, but the weeks/months leading to Aug 2011 were just hell.

I was cranky all the time, I didn't have energy to take care of Khalel on weekends, and had practically no time for Jai...because I was tired. Bakit ba, that was usually my thought back then. Until finally, Jai and I just decided Khalel needed me more than Unilever, so I resigned. I was offered a parttime role in Unilever - my same role but I would just report for work 3x a week, and my boss said he'll take my laptop on the 2 days I'm off to ensure absolutely no work on those 2 days.. It was a tempting offer, one that I was really tempted to take and had me thinking for more than a week, but I felt I needed a clean break from Unilever and all the stress.. And it didn't help that almost all of my Unilever friends discouraged me from taking it.

That decision led me to where I am now :) Not sleep-deprived... And I've spent every waking minute of the last month or so with Khalel. Life has been good :) I'm just not used to not having my own money, but with Jai beside me, I know I'll (and we'll) be ok.

I am still looking to work in a few months' time.. Maybe next month if God-willing.. I have an interesting prospect now, but the office is a bit far (Eastwood) and the role is a start-up role, which almost always means excessive workhours at the start. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there :) But truth be said, imagining myself trodding to work in the morning and leaving Khalel is a sad sad picture. I also don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. My personal resolve is if I think (even the smallest bit) that I'm not yet ready to give up my being a fulltime mom, then I won't give it up. That simple.

Besides, I can always go back to the corporate world, but Khalel will only be 2, 3 years old only once in his life, and I think I will regret it more if I choose not to be with him at his age.

That said, being a fulltime mom is hard work! It's definitely not easy. I once saluted working moms, but my hats off too to all fulltime moms. Hindi sya madali. There's also a lot of sacrifices involved, trust me :)

U and me

There's nothing more difficult than:
1) telling my parents I'm pregnant
2) what I went through with Khalel when I gave birth

(Repeat to self a thousand times. And then ask yourself: In 20 years, will this matter? NO.)

I made a terrible mistake last Thursday at work. Which got really out of hand. Which required me to issue a public apology via email. And which is why I spent almost half of my Thursday in tears. And then tomorrow (or in a few hours), I will be facing off with the people I irked.. And nothing scares me more now than the thought of it.

But then... I have already apologized. Is there anything else I can do?

-----

I let my temper get the better of me last Thursday. This has been happening more often these days.. Which is why I have been thinking about my job. My temper is worsening. And the bad news is, Jai and Khalel seem to be getting the brunt when I get home. I am tired, I am hungry, I am pressured, I am stressed - you get the picture. They hear my complaints every single damn day. I feel bad that I carry this weight on my shoulders (holidays included) and I indirectly want them to carry it with me. Which goes back to my previous point...... My job right now... I have been thinking about it.

Is it still worth it?

Is it still worth the 10-12hr shifts almost everyday? Is it worth not getting to play with Khalel every night because he's already sleepy when I pick him up? Is it worth thinking about my to-dos every day, even weekends and holidays?

To be quite honest, U is not such a bad place to work for. I get paid rather nicely. Which is also one of the reasons why it's difficult to find a new job. I also get fulfillment in what I do in U, that's for sure.. But I can probably find that same fulfillment elsewhere.. I learn new things everyday in U... My boss is BRILLIANT beyond words, and just being in the same team as her is a compliment in itself.

I probably need to do a more exhaustive pros and cons list.. But if anyone... anyone at all.. has an idea where I can work so I can help with our family's finances and still be a good mom to Khalel and a good wife to Jai - I would be more than interested in what you have to say..

raw pic from prenup:)

Prenup session with Nelwin Uy (www.nelwinuy.com)
Tagaytay Highlands

Not too sure about the curly hair and the makeup but I like the backdrop of this one :) This is just a raw/unedited pic so I think it'll look better pa when he's done tinkering with it :)

There are literally hundreds of pics from the session, pero ayaw ni Jai i-post ko, even the nice ones!!! Para surprise na lang daw sa AVP on the wedding day. Hay. But I'll probably sneak 1 or 2 in FB or here:)

unpopular

Someone (or should I say a group of people) is doing something fishy here in the office. To the tune of 50mil pesos. I am so irritated. They think everyone in the company will help them get out of the hole they brought upon themselves. Just because they're our biggest customer.

I'm really thinking about reporting them to our anonymous hotline so someone can audit them. I swear I will not bend over backwards to help them. Nakakainis talaga.

They're currently giving me the cold shoulder. Hah! As if I care. I'll probably be one of the first people to rejoice if they get fired. I know it might spell doom to the company but at this point, I really don't care. They're causing headache to a lot of people and a good portion of my time gets devoted to reconciling their numbers when I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. They're like little ants I want to crush one at a time.

I think I'm being mean... First to the person I'm having difficulty with in a couple of my previous entries. Now this. But anyway. I'll be mean if I feel like it... because I believe I'm justified in doing so.

bubbly and perky

To my bubbly and perky friend, you know who you are :) I'm really happy for you :) Can't say that enough.

And I love you, friend! :) We should talk some more! I feel like an invisible link of friendship tightened all the more between us tonight.. Hahaha. We've always been friends, but I somehow felt like something was missing.. It might just be me, but anyway :)

-----

I just realized: I have no College friends to invite to my wedding. It's not that I don't want to invite them... But we're keeping our guestlist to the bare minimum - meaning, I'm only inviting friends who know Jai or have met Jai or Jai knows all too well through my stories.. And he's doing the same as well. I don't want to introduce him to anyone that night - gusto ko, pag andun ka, no need for introduction, you know either me/Jai and if you're my friend, Jai knows you, maybe not by face, but by name :)

Back to my non-existent College friends... I have good friends from College, I really do! But it's either we didn't keep in touch after College, or we basically just drifted apart... Me living in the other end of the world opposite UP also contributed (a little bit..... I'm just making excuses now :)). I've been thinking why... I think one of the reasons why is because I went home regularly to LP every Tuesday afternoon (bec Wednesday is wash day in UP, meaning no classes!), came back for school on Thursday morning, and went back home again on Friday afternoon. So basically, it was just school-boarding house-LP for me back then. Yes, for 4 years. I easily got homesick back then.. And ooookkaaayy, I had a regular Wednesday date. Looking back on it now, it really was not worth it. Not because of the person (ok, a little bit..), but because I set myself up to losing myself in that relationship. Like, my whole world revolved around it. Maybe if I stayed in UP during Wednesdays and mingled with my batchmates, I would probably have forged BETTER and LASTING friendships.

Whattaloser.

So, please no questions when you don't hear the host during our wedding say: "Bom's college friends, your turn for a picture with the bride and groom." Yiiikkkess!

I'm envious of Jai because he has such good memories with his college friends.. They remain close up till now.. And even have a pact that they'll have babies at the same time so that if they're all boys, they can be classmates in San Beda (why not UP, right??! Hay!) or something.. Hay :(

-----

I'm looking for a "me" activity. By "me" activity, I mean - an activity I can do regularly which can take my mind off things. I was thinking it can be shopping BUT obviously it's not sustainable. Window-shopping is the same thing, I will just get lured to actually buying something. Jai has football. Khalel has, well, his own set of things here at home... I have nothing :(

Am I being selfish if I want time off regularly from all the roles I have to play? A temporary escape from being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an officemate, a subordinate? An escape where I don't do anything for someone else. I'm just there... for myself. Is that selfish? :( Are moms not allowed to get that kind of break? Or even just think about it? Am I a bad mom if I think about it? And worse, do something about it?

There's a yoga class in our office every Wednesdays.. Maybe I should try it.. I bought a yoga mat actually :) Baka hindi ko kaya :( I can't even reach my toes, for crying out loud!! But will still try. Wushaaaaaaa.

Do you have any other suggestions? :)

ggrrrr

If for example, I have this blog entry or a note in FB:

Dear friend,

There are better things waiting for you! I may not be in the same situation as you are, but trust me when I say letting go works wonders.

Love,
Bom :)

----------------
Let It Go
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
(and so on and so on...)

and then SOMEONE copied the entire thing, even my personal message at the beginning of the article and replaced my name with his/her own name and posted it in his/her own FB as such:

Dear friend,

There are better things waiting for you! I may not be in the same situation as you are, but trust me when I say letting go works wonders.

Love,
(his/her name here)

Do I have the right to be irritated?

Because I am.

I don't have any issue with copying the article, but even my personal message?!?! Why??!

Or okay, maybe it's because I have a not-so-nice impression of the person who did this, even before this happened. But still!!! Can't you practice a little more self-respect and make your own personal message?! Even my line (you know this "----------------") that differentiates from the message to the article, you copied!

I know it's mababaw. But I'm still irritated. Go away.

unwell

I'm exhausted.

We're going on 3mos without a yaya-slash-househelp. Trying to do everything on my own (and the usual delegating of some chores to Jai) because I don't want to burden other people with house chores. Kaso ang hirap talaga. Maybe if I were a housewife, ok lang.. But no, I have to work... And at punishing hours at that. I wonder how Sara does it in the US? :(

I do enjoy doing household chores.. It reminds me of my first and foremost role in life - mother and wife. Pero sa kakulitan ni Khalel at sa late nights sa office, it's just impossible to do it with a happy heart all the time. I can feel my body complaining. Migraine's been visiting me more often now.. Pimple on my nose (again! Pimple, I have a wedding to attend (hahaha) in June, pleaaaassseee go away.). Can't seem to sleep.. And when I wake up, I feel like I haven't slept at all.. Maybe I am getting old na talaga :(

On another note, I am still emotionally troubled. I cried over it with Jai 2 days ago. He said he didn't think it has been affecting me this much - well, think again, my dear. I do think it's one of the reasons I'm not feeling well. We've talked about it already.. I said my piece, he said his. He's right, as usual. Have made steps to hopefully forget this *bwisit na* phase. C'mon, 1) it's not my life, 2) it's as if I don't have enough to worry about!!!

I wonder - am I stupid for letting it affect me this much? Why am I so affected anyway?????!!

just because i need to!

The one who loves more least controls the relationship.

---

Heheheheh :) Another one of my cryptic messages, sorry!!! Not meant for Jai :)

twit

Are you happy that you're isolated from the world and the only people you talk to are people who probably don't even know the whole story? You're so caught up in the past that you've forgotten about everything else. That there are other people who matter. I doubt if that's really love. As the cliche goes, if you love someone, you set him free. You're doing it out of spite. You're doing it because you're selfish, no matter what you say your reasons are. You're doing it to get even... And by doing so, you've turned off a good number of people, me included. So sorry to be mean about this - maybe that's what you're really good at - losing people you love.

Maybe you haven't totally accepted what happened. That's ok. But that doesn't give you the license to snoop around and act like the goddamn FBI. Or to make people feel like you're holding them hostage.

I hate all your lies, the pretensions, the seemingly two-faced facade. I feel like there's a monster inside you waiting to come out, behind that sweet smile. I don't know where you keep all that anger inside of you. Doesn't it bother you at all? Do you sleep peacefully at night? Is your day consumed by thoughts of revenge, you literally don't get anything else done? I bet that's how your week looks like. Heck, that's how you've spent the past 2months. What a waste.

You're probably beyond saving now. I will stop trying to do so. No notes in FB, no well-meant texts, no amount of prayer have persuaded you to stop your so-called mission. The mission is pathetic by the way. Maybe he's right, something completely unfriendly may be the only thing that will stop you. Like the police. Or your parents. And I will try my darnest best not to care when that happens. I think I've cared long enough.

Oh, and btw.. YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. You just can't.

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Sorry for this post, it's meant for someone I'm having trouble with. I can't talk about it to anyone, so I'm just posting it here. Which probably defeats the purpose of its "secrecy" but what the hell. I'll probably delete this tomorrow anyway, I just had to do this today.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone. It's not my personality to turn a blind eye to things happening to people close to me. I will always try to help. And I hate it when my help gets mistaken for something else. And more so if I feel abused.

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Anyway I should probably create a new blog or a twitter account to serve as my catch-all of thoughts I don't want to post here or in FB. Grr.

rant for the day

Stop talking about my weight!! Stop it, just stop it!! Nakakabuwisit na.

I don't comment that you're fat ah? Stop provoking me!

trial makeup #1

Since I think (and fervently hope) that this is my more "private" public site than my Facebook site, I'd like to ask for constructive comments on my first trial makeup. Should I go for something lighter? Should I go for a different shade of blush?



Bawal ka mag-comment, Miguel!!! Grrr!

Makeup has always been tricky for me. And my makeup artist said so herself - parang ang bilis daw tumapang ng mukha ko kahit konting makeup pa lang. In other words - nagmumukha akong bading. As in!!! I can't pinpoint what exactly it is that makes me look harsh.. Maybe it's because my face is already thin and pointed so if I emphasize my features, parang grrr. Ewan. Kaya rin I don't like wearing too much makeup. But that won't work in photos kasi (Nelwin will kill me!!) so I have to have makeup, whether I like it or not.

Disregard my hair there, I'm still thinking what I should do with my hair. Don't know what will suit me. It should be something that makes me look fatter.

And oh, this is for my (ermmm, our) wedding btw :)

i miss him :(

This picture is the brainchild of Jai. This was taken on Khalel's first birthday :) The jacket is Jai's Arsenal jacket (given by Ebe).. He wants to take a picture of Khalel wearing it every year, on his birthday, so we'll be able to see how much he has grown year on year :) Masyadong malaki pa talaga yung jacket kaya nagmukhang super oversized prisoner's jacket hahahaha :P

I suddenly miss him lang :( I miss his makulit smile when he wakes up in the morning. I miss him lunging at me because he wants to nurse. I miss his pa-cute looks. I miss his longing gestures when he wants to be carried. Gusto ko na umuwi :( Now na.

when love takes over :)

Being in an relationship with someone from a different religion elicits a lot of questions from friends and acquaintances alike. I'm used to questions such as "Are you converting?", "Mahirap ba?", "Paano yung babies nyo?", and the ever-funny question "So pano yan pag may ibang asawa si Jai?" Hahaha (VERY sarcastic laugh)!

But seriously.. You ask, is it difficult? Yes, at times. I actually cried when he got "baptized" to Islam. It's not because I don't like Islam - it's just the finality that it signified: my baby, my own flesh and blood, won't be joining me in prayer. I know I said yes to Khalel being a Muslim many many months before... but I guess it really didn't sink in until I saw him being dedicated to Allah. I cried also because it's a ritual that's very different from what I am accustomed to. It is difficult on Sundays - when we have to arrange for a setup where I can hear Mass and he'll have someone else to help him with Khalel. But I find it so ironic that people think it's just difficult FOR ME and not for him. Is it because we're a predominantly Christian country? It is difficult for him not to be with me during Fridays - when they say their prayers... Difficult for him during Ramadan because he can't eat with us. Difficult for him because he has to politely decline meals prepared by my family because it has the occasional hotdog. I do believe though it's a choice - whether we make it doubly hard for ourselves or not.

See, I love being a Catholic. I love going to Mass. I love celebrating it with my whole family every Sunday. I'm far from being an ideal Catholic - but I do recognize God's hand in my life... I recognize his power, his mercy, his unconditional LOVE for all of us. I know my parents and close friends have several misgivings about my relationship with Jai and vice-versa - we (me & Jai) have talked about it and we are, funnily enough, ok with it. It makes us all the more appreciative of their support despite their initial misgivings.

Being exposed to Islam has taught me several things. I've learned Jesus is a very special prophet in their religion. It is deemed that Christianity is the closest religion to Islam. They recognize our prophets - Abraham, Moses, Jacob, etc. It was Angel Gabriel who relayed the message of Islam to Muhammad. Their 5 pillars are belief in one God, prayer, charity, fasting and pilgrimage - in that order. The age-long tradition of having more than 1 wife stemmed from women being widowed because of war - the men in their community take it upon themselves to support the widows and their children. It's just that some men abuse this "freedom" to have multiple wives, especially in recent times. Since we are not at war these days, I don't support Jai getting a second wife for himself hahaha :) The very essence of Islam is actually not that different from Christianity. And knowing all these things makes me wonder why we have such crude notions about it and Muslims in general.

I do believe we worship the same God, we just call him by different names. This is why religion has never been one of my criteria when choosing whom I'm going to spend the rest of my life with or even go on a date with. I know some people may not have a similar view as mine, and I respect that... it is for this reason that I somehow expect the world to understand mine.

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I was browsing Facebook the other day and I just realized - I am so happy I decided to let go!!! Hahaha (pero serious iyon :)) I don't like blogging na semi-blind item, pero ayaw ko rin mag-mention ng specifics hahaha :)

I remember why I let go. How I did it. when and where I did it. And I don't regret it one bit! I remember kasi the last time I refused to let go. I remember it quite distinctly, despite my very bad, anesthesia-muddled memory. I would cry buckets and buckets of tears in the office, pour my heart out to Jen and Jelaine (and to Mark, occasionally..). I think in my heart of hearts, I knew it was the last time I was going to cry. That I deserve so much better. That I had given it truly my all but it always wasn't enough. In short, bingo na.

Jai is a gem (or girls lang ba ang tinatawag na gems?? but anywaaaayyy...) :) And I am so lucky to have him :)
(despite the occasional please-don't-disturb-me-with-housechores-I-am-busy-with-my-PS2 moments, which are very frustrating, believe me!!)

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5 more months till June 28! :)

And I am excited! And panicking at the same time!!!

If for some reason, Jai, you're going to read this, please remember:
- submit the music to Belle
- the judge
- your suit
- the bridal car
- the emcee
- and something about the invites that I still have to talk to you about :P

I will just add on to this list pag may naalala akong assignment mo :) This way, you won't accuse me of being a nagging bride-zilla!!! So check this entry from time to time hahahaa :)

not the best of days..

Today was close to being one of the worst days of my life. Nothing extremely bad happened. But it's the feeling I have right now, typing this, that makes me say so. I hate myself.

I hate being rude to people. But sometimes, I just have to. And sometimes, my emotions just get the best of me.

Maybe the people I'm rude to doesn't really deserve it, and for that I am sorry... But it's either time with Khalel or time spent on work when I'm already on leave. Heck, I've been on leave starting last week, but a day hasn't passed when I don't get a call or multiply texts asking about work. To correct that - when have I EVER taken a leave when I just rested in peace the whole day?

And Khalel has no yaya. So forgive me if I'm a bit short-fused the past couple of weeks - work during the day, laundry and house-cleaning before I go to bed, tossing and turning during the night because Khalel needs his milk, prepare his things in the morning, and the whole cycle repeats itself. It is tiring. Really really tiring. But maybe I shouldn't expect people to understand..

Work. I hate it that I can't get out of it JUST BECAUSE. I'm this close to giving up. Aside from the 12-hour shift almost everyday, I have to contend with proving myself everyday. That I deserve to be there. Maybe I really don't deserve to be there. Maybe I do. I hate this feeling. It keeps on nagging at the back of my head, makes me second-guess everything I do or say. It's tiring thinking about it. It's painful feeling this way. Even more than the physical punishment I go through that comes with being a working mom.

And then... someone I'm trying to help may just end up getting mad at me. So I'm second-guessing again what I did wrong.. Where I went wrong. Should I not have attempted to help at all?

Needs someone to talk to. Badly.

cheers to turning 1!

Take me away, my little prince! :)



It's November 8 already! :) Happy Birthday, Khalel Liam!!!

I cannot believe it's been a year since I gave birth :) True true, he probably won't even remember the celebration tomorrow, but it's still a special day :)

Cheers also to mommy-hood (and daddy-hood, sige na nga...)! ONE YEAR! It may seem like such a short time, but I think I've learned and matured more this year compared to the past 25 years combined. Hindi biro maging mommy :) (at daddy)..

Am trying everyday to be a better mommy. Still haven't mastered the art of being patient, especially when he wakes up repeatedly at night, but I am trying :)

Sabi nila, minsan yung celebration ng first birthday is not just for the baby but for the parents as well - it's a HUGE milestone for parents like us :) Yung tipong dati, hindi namin alam kung makakaraos, this being an entirely new adventure for both of us, but surprisingly and God-willingly, we did! We are now looking forward to the years to come!

I love you, Khalel! Sana buhay pa itong blog na ito pag nakakaintindi ka na ng nababasa mo :) You truly are heaven-sent :)

poll question

Sino ba talaga kamukha nya? Naguguluhan na ako ha...

Never mind the eyebags in the picture.. Pero ako diba? I mean, helloooo, the cuteness factor, akong-ako! Yes? No?

mommy (and wifey) blues

Since I cannot sleep (it's only 11:36 in the evening!), I've just decided to blog. About anything I think about in the next hour or so...

Khalel is about to turn 1 next weekend. Imagine that! Parang kailan lang when I learned I was pregnant! Hmm.. Going back to that day... Parang surreal lahat. I remember I cried when I first learned about it ;) Pero nung tine-text ko si Kaye, I told her I was not crying anymore and that I'm actually happy about it. Hehehe. But the weeks after that up to the time I told my parents, sobrang roller-coaster, like, one night I was crying, the other nights I'm fine.

And then now.. it's all good! God is really really really good :) We're finally getting married. And this piece of news, really really really made me happy - like I cannot describe how much it made me happy. It was something unexpected na sobrang woooow, it's really happening. It's a testament that good things come to those who wait. Never doubt, just wait :)

Things are also looking up with Dad. He semi-hugged Jai when he formally asked for his blessing for us to get married. And coming from my dad, the "semi-hug" requires a celebration of sorts! Hahaha. That's my dad for you, I'm beginning to understand more and more why he acts the way he does. He now calls Khalel his "BFF" kasi pag nasa Las Pinas kami, ayaw umalis sa kanya ni Khalel. Hahahaha. Charming little boy - knows whom to suck up to. And I remember that day when we were planning on talking to Dad about the wedding, Khalel was sucking up to him like never before. Hahaha. Nakakapit all day kay Daddy! He really knew he had to work hard to keep Daddy in a good mood. Good job, Khalel!!! That's why I have you in my life, sweetie :)

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I've also realized that living with someone everyday is HARD! It's serious work! Kasi as of presstime, magkagalit kami hahahaha. He's basically a few inches away from me, watching TV, while I'm doing this :P We'll be alright in a few minutes as well, I'm sure, but my point is, things tend to get to you in ways it didn't before if you spend everyday with the same person :P It doesn't make me love him less (and vice versa!! Dapat lang!!!), it's just the way life is :)

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I'm thinking about putting my breastfeeding paraphernalia to temporary retirement (until our 2nd baby comes along.. hihi). It's been a year! I'm not complaining, because I'm a witness to its many many benefits. But it's really tiring... Especially at work.. Because I have to excuse myself every 3-4 hours to use my breastpump. Not to mention I have to lug it around wherever I go, eh mabigat pa naman yung adaptor.. Handbag, laptop, breastpump, the occasional paperbag - you can imagine how I look like going to work everyday. It's true when they say that breastfeeding is a lifestyle, it's something you really have to be committed to, otherwise mahirap talaga gawin. I'm still undecided about stopping though. Maybe I'll keep on going until I die of exhaustion (hahaha exag :)). But all that being said, I'm now a firm believer that breastmilk is good for babies :) Khalel only got sick once the entire year.. while the other babies in the daycare caught the flu and always had colds.

His pedia prescribed fresh milk for him once he turns 1! As in Cowhead, Alaska, etc. Yung nasa tetrapack ba. Which is a lot cheaper than the usual formula. That's good news for the house budget! Hehehe. I'm researching if this is how babies are fed these days, kasi parang hindi kami ganun nung bata kami.. Hmmm. But I really like his pedia (she wears knee-length boots!! Groovy!!) and she's recommended by a lot of mums in GirlTalk so I'll probably follow her advice :)

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Don't you think babies these days are very lucky? They have their whole lives practically saved in some digital medium. They have Facebook, Multiply, Friendster or their parents' external hard drive where they can see their kiddie milestones. Suwerte-suwerte :)

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May mommy sa Unilever na nagkuwento sa'kin ng conversation nila ng anak nya :) Apparently, her kiddo is obsessed with anything Spiderman!

MOMMY: Why are you wearing your Spiderman costume again? We're going to the cemetery.
KIDDO: Because I'm Spiderman nga.
MOMMY: Take it off, mainit.
KIDDO: I don't want, I'm Spiderman nga eh.
MOMMY: Sige, yung top na lang. Kasi mainit talaga.
KIDDO: Mommy, if I take off my top or kahit yung pants lang, I won't be Spiderman anymore. Can't you understand???
MOMMY: Ah hindi, tanggalin mo yan.
(Kiddo reluctantly takes it off and slips into his normal clothes.)
KIDDO: Ok, I'm Peter Parker now.

Bwahahaha. Natawa talaga ako. The kids these days!! I can't wait for Khalel to say the funniest things. But I'll surely miss his baby days :( Yung ngayong age nya, sana ganito na lang sya forever - "talking," walking, knows how to hug and kiss, likes playing with water, likes to dance - ayaw ko ng hindi na nya ako kini-kiss:( My heart will break :(

quality time

Was browsing Facebook just now, and I'm beginning to get really envious of friends who get to travel regularly.. :( While I'm consumed by work day in and day out.

Haaayy..

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I only have a couple of friends whom I'd sacrifice Khalel time for. So until Khalel grows a bit bigger, I'm saying no to all weekend gimmicks as well as all dinners on weekdays - except for my few special friends :) Pero minsan sobrang pagod na talaga ako that I have to say no to everyone.. Nothing personal, and I hope you understand :) Iba na talaga ang buhay may-baby.. and I think only mommies and daddies will truly understand 100% what I'm going through.. It's just the way it is, I think.

Di ko na sya naaabutang gising sa gabi most of the time, so all other nights when I can go home a bit early, I spend it with him :) I'll catch up on nights-out in 1-2 years :)

can't decide..

Would I really be a bad mom if I don't celebrate Khalel's first birthday in a super duper grand way? :(

I want to be practical.. He won't even remember celebrating it years down the road.. I'd rather splurge on a trip abroad when he's a few years older na lang.. Pero siyempre may mga nagsasabi na DAPAT i-celebrate, kasi 1st birthday nga naman..

I'm still undecided :(

diary of a mad bride-to-be (part 1)

So.. I am getting married in 8mos! And we (or should I say, I. Hehehe, peace Jai :)) started planning around a month-and-a-half ago. And I think I've gone mad!!

In all honesty, I have no (as in zero) idea what I want my wedding to be like. I think I wrote it down somewhere here in my blog a looong time ago. As in wala talaga. Of course I do want to get married and have a nice wedding, but the details, I have no preference talaga before we started planning. My wedding gown - which is supposed to be every bride's dream - I have no idea what I want it to look like. Nakakahiya when I go to potential suppliers and they ask what I want the gown to be, I'd just show them pictures of gowns that I think are nice... But I haven't come across a design na woooowwww, this is for me! (I do think though that Vera Wang is a FABULOUS designer! Most of the pictures I have with me are from her website :)) Haaay. I've met with 4 designers so far. I like the last one the most. But I think that's my mad-bride syndrome - the next supplier I meet is alwys better than the previous one. Because after I met with the 2nd designer, I texted Jai "I found my FINAL wedding gown designer!" Bwahahaha. Tapos nung pumunta kami sa pangatlo, ay, mas gusto ko na sya. Hahahahah. And then the fourth :) Arrgh! It's so frustrating to be like this! At member pa ako ng W@W so marami pa akong nababasa na other options na parang, gusto ko sila lahat puntahan :P

I don't really want an expensive wedding gown. I just want something that is so me, you'll know it's me who's wearing the gown the moment you see it. And both Jai and I believe you don't have to pay big big bucks to get excellent quality. Although I would love din to be a Veluz or a Cecilio Abad bride, but Jai won't have anything to wear if I get either of them for my wedding gown alone :P Tee-hee. Anyway, back to the gown... I'm also not too keen on beadwork and lace. I just want something simple. With nice accents. And a nice-looking (ok, sexy) back. I don't know why I'm so picky with the back design of my gown, I just want it that way. Kahit simpleng tela lang sa harap tapos lahat ng beads nasa likod, ok na yun! Or plunging backline na lang (but still decent-looking).

Jai's here, will blog a bit more next time! :)

This will probably be a wedding-and-Khalel-blog until June so I apologize in advance :)

just can't sleep...

I just can't sleep so decided to turn on my computer again. And vent a little....

I just hate people who talk to strangers while aboard a plane. How do you know that the person you're talking to is ok with having a conversation with you???

I was seated near the aisle earlier during the flight to Cebu and the guy at the other end of the aisle kept talking to me!!! He was asking all sorts of questions like, if I was just a student, if I knew this particular resort in Boracay, where I work, how long I've been working there, and on and on!! Grrrrr! I couldn't find it in me to answer rudely, so I ended up answering all his questions. Grrr at myself!

I had to pretend to be asleep the whole time so that he won't talk to me. I hate it because it was hard work, honestly! I had to pretend that my head was dropping to 1 side so that it's a bit more believable. And I hate it more because I badly wanted to eat the salted peanuts they served on the plane :( I took a peek at him from the corner of my eye one time, saw he was asleep, so I decided to open the peanuts. But when I ripped the plastic, he suddenly woke up! So I just got 1 peanut, pretended I just wanted it so I can toy with something in my mouth, and pretended to be asleep again. So the bag of peanuts was left open on my table, eagerly beckoning the flight attendant to dispose of it when they were collecting trash. I swear if the attendant threw the peanuts away, I would slap the face of that guy at the other end of the aisle!

Whatever happened to personal space??? Next time I will bring earphones!

one of the many firsts

I'm in Cebu tonight. And Khalel's in Makati :(

Today is the first day in nearly a year that we're sleeping apart. It feels weird. And not good :( I miss him terribly. I'm concerned how he's sleeping (coz he's used to nursing at night)... I brought his used sando with me so I can still smell him even if we're apart.

I'll be able to sleep for 8hours straight tonight - the first time in over a year - but it comes at a price, as always.

Hay :( Anna here in the office said I might notice Khalel being aloof (or in other words, nagtatampo) to me when I get back. It breaks my heart thinking about it :( Sana hindi naman sya nagtatampo and he'll still be the sweet little baby he's always been and welcome me with a big toothless (not anymore in a few more days!!) grin and a waaaaarm hug. Khalel's really such a sweetie! A brat at times, yes, but a sweetie nonetheless!!!

Khalel, please sleep tight tonight. Take care of Pah :) Pah, take care of Khalel. I love you both very much. I'll see you on Friday :) I miss you!!!! And Pah of course :P

(Now I understand my mom when she leaves all these reminders for all of us when she goes on official business trips, like, Jen, take your meds, Bom, buy this, don't forget this, etc etc. Hahaha :) It's such a cool cycle of things!)

save the date!

June 28, 2010
Monday

:)

Mag-leave ang mga kailangan mag-leave :)

Ok, I've decided to start with Khalel :P

He's so small in this old picture! He was just a week old here:


And presenting, the litle rascal that he is now!


Parang hindi sya masyado cute sa mga old pictures nya (nung maliit pa sya...) Hmmm... Or maybe babies are really like that, they grow cuter when they fatten up :) Am I being too over-critical of my baby? :P I love him to death of course :) But I think (think lang naman) he's really cute :) Hahaha. Not so much nung maliit pa sya :P

And another realization! He DOES look a lot like Jai!!! Oh my goodness!! :) I hope the 2nd baby, who's a girl, will look like me!!


... No, I'm not pregnant again :) I'm just very confident that the second kid will be a girl :) If I say it many times, it'll come true :)

Plllleeeaaaaaaaassseee, Lord, grant me that wish!! I badly want to buy mini dresses and tiny platform shoes for my little girl :)

where to start?

Ooookay, I think it's been close to a year since I last updated this... Or mga 9mos siguro.

I went back to an old post of mine in 2008. Re-read some of my other entries.. And felt like I missed blogging. So, I promise to start writing again.... Tomorrow!!! (because it's nearing 12midight already, I have to sleep!!)

I don't know though where to start???

can you tell my mood?

A very slow day today :( I'm sleepy, tired, sad, and bored.

SLEEPY and TIRED: I haven't slept for more than 3hours straight for the past 7mos or so. And that's including weekends. Now I know why they say motherhood is a 24/7 job - and I think they meant that literally.

I'm really very sleepy :(

SAD and BORED: A bit of sad news here in the office today. 2008 wasn't a good year for me at work for a lot of different reasons. I'm hoping 2009 will be different, and it's actually showing signs that it will be, yeheeeey. I just hope I'll be up to the challenge they're giving me.

But... there are really times na parang ayaw ko na magtrabaho. I can't concentrate too much on work anyways, kasi lagi ko isip si Khalel :( Tsaka minsan kasi di na tumitingin sa'kin si Khalel pag uwi ko :( I don't know how to describe that feeling - I'm happy that he's well taken cared of while I'm away, and it's evident in the way he reacts to Jai's family, but still sana ako pa rin yung nakakagawa. However, I also can't imagine just taking care of him all day everyday, I still need something to keep me occupied at times. I want to feel fulfilled pero hindi ngarag. Ngarag kasi dito sa office :(

Gusto ko mag-business :( Kahit yung sa Multiply lang, yung nagbebenta ng clothes. Gusto ko tuloy mag-crash course in clothes-making/fashion design, buy a couple of sewing machines, hire good sewers, tapos benta ko na lang yung damit sa Multiply. We interviewed someone here at the office for an internship position, and she had a business just like that - her take-home pay every month is 30K net. That's really not bad for someone as young as her (she hasn't graduated from college yet, btw). That amount will be enough na siguro sa mga konti kong luho at para kay Khalel na rin.

And I love clothes, soooo it won't feel like work. That's the best setup, I guess. Haaay, how I wish I can do it.

8/8/08 Alvin and Sara (... and all the smileys)

Sharing with you Alvin and Sara's wedding pictures from their photographer's blogsite:
http://www.benjaminyoungiii.blogspot.com/

Siyempre, yung entry na may Alvin and Sara yung sa kanila :)

Ganda talaga ng pictures :) Pero mahal siyempre hahaha. Wala na kaming guests ni Jai sa wedding namin para ma-afford namin si Ben Young :) I'm sure you guys will understand if you don't get an invite :) Hehehehe :) Joke lang :)

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Jai's challenge to me: STOP WITH THE SMILEYS!

I'm gonna try but not promising anything :D Hirap eh!