My Testimony of the Book of Mormon

"And if ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, ... and they teach all men that they should do good." -2 Nephi 33:10

In early August, our Stake was challenged by our Stake President, and Elder Bednar (an Apostle of the Lord) to read the Book of Mormon in 53 days. That meant we would have to commit to reading 10 pages each and every day. We were promised if we did so we would come closer to our Savior, have the strength to resist temptations and overcome trials, and our lives would be filled with unmeasurable blessings.

At first, I was a little overwhelmed with the challenge and wasn't quite sure if I'd be able to make it with a needy almost one-year-old, but Cameron was determined to do it and his motivation motivated me. It became a bed time ritual for Cam and I, and although it was tough in the beginning I quickly found myself wrapped up in everything I was learning and looked forward to that hour of studying each night. I won't lie, there were nights we missed, but we did our best to make up for it on other less busy nights.

During my studies, I decided to highlight each time I came across Savior, Lord, Jesus Christ, or any name He was called. It was enlightening to see that almost each page was highlighted and always referenced Jesus Christ.

I'd like to share the scripture that had the greatest impact on me this time around.
Mormon 8:38

But the part that stood out to me the most was when Mormon said:

"Why do ye not think that greater is the value of an endless happiness than that misery which never dies--because of the praise of the world?" 

Is this not the world we live in? I read an article today in Forbes magazine that said according to statistics, Utah is the vainest state in the country and has been since 2007! It made me really stop and think, "am I allowing my happiness to be based on the praise of the world?" (I know it's easy to do so, especially because of social media.) Or am I basing my happiness on what the Lord thinks of me? I know I have been guilty of living "of the world at times," and after reading this I really want to be better. I want the Lord to smile when He thinks of me, and I want to bring others closer to Him. 

I am grateful for the example of my Stake President. As we met together as a stake to read the final chapter of the Book of Mormon tonight, the spirit in the room was palpable. There was no denying that this quest for reading the Book of Mormon strengthened our stake and provided countless blessings to those who accepted. The promises that were made at the beginning of the challenged proved to be true. Throughout the last 53 days, I have felt a softening in my heart and a greater love for my Savior and those around me. 

I want you to know I know, without a single doubt in my heart, Jesus Christ lives. And He loves us with a perfect love we will never comprehend in this life. I know Joseph Smith was a Prophet called of God to restore His true and everlasting Gospel in these latter-days. He was called to translate the Book of Mormon by the gift and power of God. And was given the Priesthood keys by God to bring all of God's ordinances to earth once again. I know that anyone who reads this with sincerity of heart will come to know of that as well. I know that we have a true and living Prophet on the earth today, Thomas S. Monson, who leads and guides us under the direction of the Savior. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the same gospel Christ taught in times of Old. I know that the Bible and the Book of Mormon work together to testify of Christ's ministry here and together teach us what we must do to return to live with our Father in Heaven one day. I know that when I strive to pray and read the scriptures each day, my heart is softened and my burdens are lightened. And with that added strength, I am able to reach outside myself and think of others. I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and they know me. Each time I read, something would touch my heart and inspire me to do better. I know that without this truth and knowledge in my life, I would not be where I am today. I know that all good things come of God and if we but turn to Him, and seek for truth, we will ALWAYS find it.  

My intention with this post (if any read this) is not to boast that I read, but to encourage, motivate, inspire, challenge, and share my love for this Gospel and my testimony of its truthfulness. If you are not familiar with the teachings of the LDS Church, I would invite you to study it out. Read the Book of Mormon if you have not (despite what the world has said about it). Find out for yourself if what I have shared with you today is true. If you have ever wondered what makes me so happy, my answer is this. The Book of Mormon IS another testament of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I promise you that. This book will not only answer questions of the soul, but it WILL bring you far greater spiritual happiness than you have ever experienced in this life.

Now, it is my invitation to those of you who belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to accept the same reading challenge. I promise that if you do, you will come closer to your Savior, you will have a greater desire to serve His children, you will be blessed in your home, marriage/relationships, and family. And you will find strength amongst your trials, and will find comfort in the spirit as it guides you through your studies.

Understanding the Reason

I realize this blog has become more than just a personal family journal and I think I'm OK with that. I like that it's also a place for me to share the thoughts that come into my head while I rock Mack to sleep, or when I'm wide awake in the middle of the night. I know it may not actually help any of you, but there's just something so rejuvenating about writing out certain thoughts and hoping you're not alone in them.

I know I talk a lot about my mission- I think any return missionary would/does. It's a part of you that will forever leave a mark. And it's an experience that relates to every part of your life. So, forgive me if I overshare but I'd like to share this:

While serving in my very first area in Independence, Missouri I was extremely overwhelmed. So much had gone on prior to getting to my mission, and so much was going on in my mission. I was blessed to serve in a very outwardly loving ward. The beautiful Polynesian culture took up the majority of the members in that area and it was quite frankly, culture shock for me. I had never really been around, or lived with a Polynesian. The Polynesians' love for life was invigorating, but like every culture it had its differences. In the first few weeks of serving there, I remember feeling so out of place. I was the companion to the outgoing, spunky, fun, ray of sunshine, energetic Sister Loo from Hawaii. They were so excited to have a sister serve in their ward who could relate to them on so many levels, I often wondered if the members even knew my companion had a companion. I couldn't help but feel like second string. Of course with time I learned how to chime into conversations and gained lasting friendships with the members there, but most importantly I learned to love the culture, the people, and learned to value who I was as a little white girl from St. George, Utah. But during those first few weeks, my trainer and I struggled to see eye to eye. She had a hard time understanding why I was feeling reserved towards the members and why I had a hard time reaching out the way she did. And I had a hard time understanding why she couldn't understand why I felt the way that I did. It was a miscommunication of sorts that took time to unfold.

Throughout the duration of my mission, I experienced similar challenges with other companions as we strived to understand each other and why we did things the way we did. Not only did I experience that with companions, but also with members, investigators, people on the street, etc. It was eye opening. And all those experiences only led me to see the need to change the way I viewed others. I recognized that if I truly wanted to love someone, I needed to understand them. I needed to see the reasons for why they were the way they were.

As I would study in my mission, the scriptures that talked about "judge not, lest ye be judged with that same judgement" started to make sense. I learned, and am still learning, it's much easier to remove judgment from someone if we can simply try to understand the reasoning behind what they're doing. To really stop and think about a person's actions when you may feel offended, frustrated, or irritated is...well...hard! We tend to react in a moment of weakness instead of pull back and analyze. And so I ask, why? Why is that? Why is it so hard to retract judgment and replace it with understanding? Is it because we have a hard time with our own reasons behind what we do? Is it pride? Selfishness? Perhaps, it's easier to judge because often times when we do, it makes us feel better about ourselves. But when you think about it, putting others down to lift ourselves up is a lie. Such actions don't make us better in the long run, they turn us down a dark, and lonely path. I know, because I've been the culprit of doing so. And I know it doesn't make me a better person.

I don't have an absolute answer for why people do what they do, and understand sometimes people's reasonings don't make any sense at all. But what I do know is when we seek to be aware of the reasoning behind the action, we can emulate Christ-like love. Understanding doesn't mean we have to agree with or condone certain actions of others; it allows us to fill our hearts with love for that person regardless.

Note, I am far from the perfect example of being slow to judge (working on it), but we do have a perfect example- and that is the Savior. It was His love for His children that led him to work miracles among the people, to heal the sick, blind, and diseased. It was His impenetrable love that forgave the adulterer, the sinners, and the proud. And it is through His love that we can seek to understand the reason behind another's actions.

Happy 1st Birthday Macky

On Friday September 11, 2015 we celebrated Mack's first birthday with our loved ones. To be frank, I am probably one of the worst party planners. I never know what to do, or how to put things together. It's all very overwhelming. I wanted something simple, but sweet. So, I made a little cake topper with a white cake and buttercream frosting, bought some fall colored balloons and tied them to his high chair. We had his birthday at a little neighborhood park in Bloomington and had family come to celebrate. It wasn't much, but I thought everything turned out just the way I wanted to. (Even though I dropped his Bumbo seat on the cake right before I took pictures of it, and his balloons almost blew away).

This post will mostly be a photo dump from his big day, but I also wanted to talk a little bit about Mack. At his 1 year check up today, he was in the 92% for height and 8% for weight. Tall and thin just like everyone on my side of the family.

Right now, he loves to cruise around furniture, give out the cheesiest grins you ever did see, wrestle with dad, dance to music, wink (or blink with both eyes closed), fake laugh, and put his toys in boxes and take them out again. He loves carrots, cheerios, whole milk, cheese, yogurt, smoothies, apples, chicken, and occasionally pasta. Oh and he loves to give everything kisses, even the boxes that his toys came in. Really, Mack is just a happy, loving, smiley kid. I hope he stays that way- because his happiness and love is always a good reminder for me to be that way.

Now, on with the pics from Mack's big day:

Enjoying his new four wheeler from Aunt Manda

Helping little man unwrap his presents (all he wanted to do was play with the wrapping paper)

Grandma Tami got him this awesome wood toy set

Part of the bday crew

Mack and Uncle Kay (Aka, Rudy's business partner)

Mack was so apprehensive about digging into his cake. I couldn't stop laughing because he would only dip his little finger into the frosting, lick it, and do it over again. Every time Cameron tried to get him to smash the cake and dig in it, he would cry. He must be a clean freak like his Mama. 

Grandpa Rudy and Step-Grandma Rosie

Grandma Tami

Aunt Mandy and her BF Angel (We like him!)

Aunt Amber and Cousin Aubree

Enjoying his birthday spoils

I just love his little binky face in these pictures! They melt my heart

See, giving out kisses like it ain't no thang

We love you Macky boy. You make life complete! Can't wait to see what this next year has in store for you!

A Letter to My Son

My dearest little Macky boy:

As your mother, I often think about the legacy I can leave behind for you. And I always think about the example that I'm setting for you. It's not an easy task to be a parent. There is much to do, much to be, and much more to become. Last night, while laying in bed, the thought came to write you a letter as we approach your first birthday on my feelings of this past year and what I hope you are inspired to be as you grow into adulthood.

First, I want you to know how I have cherished being your mom. This first year of parenthood has been a roller coaster of emotions. It's been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Believe it or not, but your father and I agree that serving a mission was actually easier than this first year of you in our lives. Not because you were a horrible baby, but because we can be selfish parents. I think that's what makes something difficult- learning to overcome your weaknesses amongst the challenges. However, I want you to know that despite the rough patches- your smiles, your milestones, your growth, every little thing you do has made every second worth it. I know it sounds cliche, but I suppose it's cliche for a reason.

Before I tell you what I hope you learn through the years, I want to tell you about you:

On the day you were born, you had the sweetest little cry. You were so alert and aware of your parent's voices. In your first few days of life, you would choke occasionally on some remaining amniotic fluid and I remember feeling so overwhelmed by my responsibility to keep you alive. Your father was always the calm one (of course) during those times and would gently help you breathe. In the first few months of your life you experienced challenges with your little mortal body that required physical therapy, chiropractor visits, and even medicine. You would scream and cry for hours on end and I felt so pained I couldn't soothe you. And then, by about 6 months you grew out of the constant pain and turned into the happiest, smiliest little baby. Even though you would cling to your mom, you never hesitated to smile for a stranger. In the past few months, you've learned to wave, say mom, dad, grandpa, ba-ba, and uh-oh, bounce up and down to a good beat and you go crazy over dad's smoothies. You love to be outside and pick up dead bugs. (You think it's funny when I scream and try to smack those dead bugs out of your hands). And you are so friendly. Everywhere we go, people always tell me what a happy baby you are because you are constantly grinning from ear to ear. When I do your hair in the morning, you love to put your hand in it and mess it up right away- you also think that's funny. You are the king of kisses and give them freely to me and daddy when you wake up, when we ask, and will plant a slobbery one on us when we least expect it. It's one of my favorite things about you. I recently taught you to wink, except you can't do it so you just close both eyes really tight and smile. It melts my heart. When someone shares food or a toy with you, you smile and open your mouth so big because you're in awe at their generosity. You love to shake your head side to side, especially when we're in the car listening to a good song. At naptime and bedtime, you get so ecstatic about being put in your little zippy I made you. Your excitement for life in general is contagious. I have made friends with more strangers in the last year because you reach outside yourself and offer a smile. I love you Macky. I love everything about you. I love that you are quick to forgive when I am impatient. You are always so willing to share your toys with me. You gladly wrestle with dad and love to roar at him. I love cheering you on as you learn new things, and although your attempts at walking can be scary, I am anxious for you to take those first steps on your own. Mack, I could write a novel about all the things I have loved about you in your first year of life. I tell you everyday that you're my favorite little Mack in the whole wide world and the cutest too. And you are. And it's because I love you so much that I have written this down.

Now that you know more about who you were in your first year of life, I want you to know what your dad and I hope for you in the years to come. I recognize you have agency and will stumble and fall along your way in this life, but in the end I hope these things will be embedded in your heart:

I hope you will know you are loved by us and by your Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ.
I hope you will always know how much your parents love you.
I hope you will know that when you are in the service of your fellow beings, you are only in the service of your God.
I hope you will always have a desire to make others happy and offer your smile freely.
I hope you will know for me, spending every day with you will always be worth any sacrifice.
I hope you will know that you are unique and special because you are a son of a Heavenly King.
I hope you will have a desire to one day gain a personal testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I hope you will know you are loved by your family and extended family who will always be there to support you.
I hope you will know how much your dad loves and adores you, and would gladly put off any assignment or fun outing to spend the day with you.
I hope you will know how many lives you've already touched with your innocence.
I hope you will choose the good over the bad.
I hope you will know and follow the promptings of the Spirit.
I hope you will recognize the blessings in your life and have gratitude for them.
I hope you will learn the value of hard work and choose to reject handouts.
I hope you will be a force for good in the world and strive to be a valiant leader.
I hope you will exercise your Priesthood in righteousness and become a servant of the Lord.
I hope you will be a gentleman, like your father, and honor the women in your life.
And lastly, I hope you will become the person that you were set on this earth to become, and know your parents will do everything in their power to help you achieve your divine potential.

Mack, always remember you are loved- probably more than you will ever know. The future is bright and I am anxious to see where life takes you. I can't wait to see how much more you will grow within this next year. Never stop smiling. Thanks for being our son.

Love,
Mama and Daddy

So I said to myself, "Self, just be yourself.."

It's not very often that I get the urge to write about a particular subject or actually have the words to do so, but when a topic comes to mind and I'm feeling particularly wordy- I figure I better get down to it.

Let me preface by saying I am not writing this post for sympathy or validation, but am writing this to show you that no one is perfect and we all have our battles.

So, here it goes...

For a very, very, very, very, very, you get the idea, long time I have struggled to accept my true personality. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with my mom, and my long time best friend and cousin, Jess Anderson, about how much I struggle to just be myself. I can't even believe I'm admitting this online because I am so afraid of people seeing my true self. And the thing is, I know I'm not alone in this. I guarantee you every one of you who are reading this feels this way or has felt this way at one point in your life.

You see, growing up- I was pretty emotional about things and was made fun of because of it. I was never the popular girl in school, I hardly had any friends. In high school I was never asked to dances or parties, and I just felt like girls were always gossiping about me. I felt like I was often misjudged and even had a guy come up to me and say, "Why do you always go to lunch by yourself, you must think you're better than everyone else, huh?" And I said, "Did you ever stop and think that maybe I go to lunch alone because I have no one else to go with?" I exaggerated what people thought about me and struggled to make friends. Not because I couldn't, but because I never felt like people understood me. I felt like I was a 50 year old mind trapped in a teenage body. I got along with people twice my age and never cared for the "school scene." And as silly as all of this sounds, it's true.

Then, when I was in college, guys actually asked me on dates and people liked me. It was weird, I could hardly believe it. But I was so afraid of losing that attention by being myself that I became someone I wasn't. And then, when I went on my mission- it all came crashing down. I had to learn to be myself and to be OK with that. I got better while serving my mission, but found myself constantly guarding my feelings. I got used to rejection and people slamming doors and calling me weird names, so much so that I turned off my emotions a little too much.

Which brings me to today. Although, as I've gotten older my interests have changed, my weaknesses have become stronger, and vice versa, there's still this part of me that struggles to just be who I am to the fullest. I think about this all the time and always ask myself why? Why can't I just be myself?

So, over the past few months I have seriously contemplated how I can be myself and thought...Well, in order to be myself I have to know who I am, I have to be OK with who I am, and I have to be willing to give that part of myself to others. Scary, I know. So here is who I am:

I am opinionated.
I am extremely passionate.
I am very emotional.
I am talkative.
I am deeply spiritual.
I am sometimes prideful.
I am determined, disciplined, and hard-working.
I am also sometimes lazy.
I am a homebody.
I have anxiety about the simplest of things.
I am afraid of rejection.
I love black licorice ice cream and other weird foods most people don't like.
I am understanding.
I am straight forward.
I want to have 4 hour conversations about anything and everything.
I love fashion, makeup, and trends, but I don't love the selfishness that can follow that.
I am a Netflix binge watching fool.
I am a stay at home mom who loves the idea of a career but will not sacrifice my children for that.
I am constantly guilting myself for what I do wrong.
I allow the status quo to get in the way of my marriage sometimes.
I love to serve but am not always the best at it.
I want to please my Heavenly Father and those around me.
I am a deep conversationalist and struggle to have surface-like conversations.
I struggle to feel like I have friends that are truly my friends.
I am overwhelmed when I go shopping.
I want to have a cute, decorated home.
I am not the best filter and can sometimes say things I don't mean.
I don't like to cook, but know I need to so my family can survive.
I am quirky and sometimes funny and sometimes witty.
I hate when people know personal things about me because then I feel it gives them an opportunity to judge me, but at the same time, I want people to know personal things about me so they understand me better.
I overthink almost every thing I say or do.
I have 5 million different business ideas I wish I had the guts to just do.
I would rather have a few very close friends than many acquaintances.
I worry about what other people think, but hate that I think that.

The list could go on and on, but to sum myself up in one word, I am DEEP. My heart is full of emotions and experiences I want to share, but I'm just plain chicken. There, I said it. I feel so much better. I am a deep, loving person who just wants to be accepted. And as I sit here and write all of this all I can think about is that I know I am not alone in feeling this way. We all want to be accepted, we all want to be heard, we all don't want to be rejected.

The reality is the biggest thing that is keeping me from being myself....is myself. I am to blame. And really, doesn't it just come down to pride and selfishness? My fear of judgment is what's holding me back from helping others to be their best self. Isn't that sad. Think of how many people I could have served had I not been so focused on my insecurities.

I am learning that God created me the way I am for a reason. I was put on this earth with this particular spirit to enrich and bless the lives of others in only a way that I can. And the same goes for all of you. And the greatest way we can become ourselves is by being a son/daughter of God. It's by serving the Lord and forgetting yourself. Because when you lose yourself, that's when you find yourself.

I hope this post has made any sense at all because my thoughts are scrabbled. This too-many-years battle of being myself is just plain selfishness.  I want you to know I am deciding to turn a new leaf by being myself and forgetting myself. Gosh, I know that is going to be so hard and I know I will falter. But I believe that by recognizing my weaknesses I can become better. I can become who my Heavenly Father needs me to be here in this world. So, if you're struggling with being yourself, just remember- you are a much better you when you are yourself.

Summer Lovin'

In my sad attempt to make up for the lack of posting/journaling/memory making, I thought I'd do a summation of our summer adventures this year via crappy iPhone pics. I'll try to organize it by month as best I can. Honestly, I'm disappointed in myself for not being more on top of this. I really do love to go back and read and look at all the pictures and think about the memories that go with them. 

Well to start off, at the beginning of the summer we dropped almost $2,000 on applying for Dental School. That was an extremely stressful process and something we will most likely be doing again next summer as Cameron scored a little lower on his DAT than we would've liked. I'm sure one day I'll look back and think it wasn't so bad, but during the midst of it all, it seemed really bad. Haha. I don't have any pictures to document the horrendous process that was.

SEWING PROJECTS
At the beginning of the summer, I decided to take up sewing in an attempt to start my own clothing line. It's been a lot of fun and I have a lot to learn! I'm in no hurry to get Paige Avenue up and running, but it's something I look forward to when I have time/resources to do it! Here are some things I've sewn the past few months...

 

 

Sewed both these T-shirt dresses for Tairah and myself. 

APRIL/MAY/JUNE

Consisted of birthdays, anniversaries, parties, events, and dropping lots of dough on dental school

Participated in a business startup competition and got honorable mention for my rug cover design.

Had an all day date with Cam for our 2nd Year Ani!

Birthday Cake at Bites Donuts Food Truck

Spent a lot of time at the park before it got too hot!

    

Surprised mom for her 50th Birthday!

JULY

Consisted of 4th of July at Grandma's in Huntsville, Swimming, Trip to an Angel's Game and the Ocean, Visiting Grandma Dar, More Swimming, A Visit from Tairah, and Pine Valley for the 24th

We spent a lot of time in the water this summer and this kid loved every minute of it! 

AUGUST/MONTANA

Consisted of our trip to Flathead Lake, Glacier, hometown restaurants, the alpine slide, and time at Sand Hallow

 

Well, this post was big time picture overload, but our summer has been filled with so many fun, and memorable adventures. I'm grateful we were able to do as much as we were this summer. I know Mack had a blast, and I am not ready for Cameron to go back to school!