Wow! It's nearly been five months since my last post. I guess that's what happens when life really grabs ahold of you. You may be asking yourself, "people still blog if they're not 'famous' and making money from doing it?". I'm here to tell you yes. I find it can be therapeutic for me and it's like my journal. So here we go!
When you think of having a baby or having kids, you don't usually think about all the possible difficulties you could face with them; at least I didn't. I wasn't like, " my kid could have asthma and be hospitalized a handful of times. And he could have serious behavioral issues that make me want to crawl in a hole and hide." Instead, I was thinking about how sweet and cute my baby would be and about all the fun things I'd do with him.
I want to be open about our challenge with Gabriel so he doesn't think I'm embarrassed or ashamed of him. Yes, there are embarrassing moments (many in fact), but we all have them. I'm sharing so maybe I can help someone else or they can help me. I'm being open so I'll hopefully get understanding, empathy, and support. I'm sharing a look into my world so people know it's just not me being a bad parent. At least I hope that's not the case, but you can't rule anything out. I'm just being real and I'm not trying to get attention or praise. If Gabriel's behavior does all boil down to me, just my parenting and how I interact with him, than that will be embarrassing and humbling. If that is the case, I will accept it and take responsibility, because he deserves that. We deserve this. We, as a family, need to know how to help and fix what's going on and make our family happy again. We have happy moments, but we're not overall happy. We're often stressed, frustrated, angry, or beat down. There are moments everyday that I'm walking on egg shells with Gabriel. Some people may think I'm crazy and may disagree with me opening up and sharing, but I feel I should. Someone may feel the opposite way I do, but what we share about our lives is for each and every person to determine on their own. I will still be selective with how much I share, because I don't want to embarrass or shame Gabriel and let's face it, I can't let go of all my pride. We are just really beginning our journey into what's behind Gabriel's behavior and I'm going to share our journey with you.
I'll start from what I think is the beginning. Mine and Gabriel's relationship has been strained since about the time he was three. I can't tell you exactly what changed it, but something did. I think it was me more than anything, but I don't know if we'll ever be able to pinpoint it. I have my own personality battles I fight. I had postpartum depression with Gabriel (and Killian). I have a more intense, controlling personality and I'm prone to being irritated easily. I've had a serotonin imbalance since I was a teenager and it's something I've always worked with my mom on to "fix". I've taken an onslaught of vitamins through the years and I've been taking medication since Killian's birth. Why is it that we are scared or embarrassed to share that we take medication? Why is it taboo? Though our bodies are miraculous, they are not perfect. Some (probably a lot more than we think) need medication to help balance things out and you know what, that's ok! That being said, things with Gabriel's behavior have gotten worse as the years have gone on. I noticed a significant escalation during this summer while we were in Utah. He had never been so defiant before. The bad days were becoming a regular thing and that's how it has continued since. I can count on one hand how many "good" days we've had in the last four months. My definition of a good day is not having a single blow-up. A good day still has the power struggles, defiance, and whining, but not the huge display of emotion with yelling, naming calling, hitting, and the like.
I got to the point around springtime where I felt we'd tried all we could think of to get his behavior to improve. Something would work for a week or two, but nothing for the long-run. I really felt like we needed some outside help. So I started on the path to get Gabriel into a counselor. A few months later, in August, Gabriel started to see a counselor; she specializes in play therapy. For the most part, he responds really well to her and opens up and seems willing to try what she wants him to outside of his sessions. But once we're out of that setting and I try to implement coping strategies, he doesn't want to do them and gets mad when I bring them up. I don't know if he needs more invasive therapy or just more time, but we could be trying a bunch of different things in the counseling realm.
For a couple of months I've really felt that there is something more to his behavior than just my parenting and the clash of our personalities. And while it's the biggest struggle to find out how to deal with his behavior, it's a bit of a relief to think that it might not just be me to blame. A week and a half ago Gabriel and I went to our doctor to begin the serious look into his behavior. I divulged all the behaviors that we see and deal with and the doctor asked both of us some questions. He had me take home questionnaires for me, Keith, and Gabriel's teacher to fill out to get more information and insight on his behavior. I gave those back on Friday and now we're just waiting to see what the next step is. I know this could be a every long road before we get some answers and improvement, but I'm glad we've started, it's a step in the right direction. I wish we had started this whole process earlier. I know when they're young and/or when it's your first child you hesitate to jump to any conclusions, but a piece of advise I have is to ask more question. Do more research. In my next post on the subject, I'll talk about what we think some causes may be and what Gabriel's behaviors are.
