Dating App "Compliments"

When a man tries to kick off a conversation on dating apps with me by saying something like

• You are so gorgeous
• Your pictures turn me on
• Hey, sexy

I think they want me to take it as a compliment. I think they want to fluff my ego a little bit. Make me feel good and receptive to their overtures. Maybe feel inspired to kick off a conversation with them.

It backfires. 

Every. Single. Time. 

But why? Why can't I just take these comments for what they are and ignore how gross they make me feel? Why do I immediately feel like I'm setting them up to be catfished? Or immediately feel defensive?

The problem with comments like these is that they are based solely off of a set of photos.

Photos that I specifically curated to showcase my BEST looks. While they are definitely photos of me, and I don't really think any of them are misrepresenting me (too bad), they are also the very best looks.  

These guys haven't met me in person. They don't know what I look like when I'm walking my dog. Or when I've been doing hot yoga for 90 minutes. Which are arguably times when I absolutely look my worst. Would they still be calling me sexy then? Probably not.

Which means that it all feels like a line. Insincere. Disingenuous. Unbelievable. 

They may as well be leaving comments on Tumblr posts or liking random Instagram accounts of any woman that looks good. The internet is filled with billions of options.

It's just superficial. If there is nothing else in my profile that sparks a talking point, then it's hard to believe that the guy is interested in anything outside of the surface, physical stuff. And if that's the case, I just don't think that there's really a chance for anything to go anywhere.

And it usually doesn't. I don't know how to respond to those "opening lines." Do I just say thanks? I know? You're right? 

Where is the conversation supposed to go from there? 

If I were just looking for hook-ups, maybe this wouldn't bother me so much? Or maybe I would still be irritated by the way I feel objectified on dating apps. Replaceable. Interchangeable. 

NEVER FORGET

Thanks for the constant reminder, iPledge! I can't wait for my next pregnancy test.

Never Happens

It is very likely that I've blogged this quote before, but it just seems so apt to my life. Truer words may never have been written about my life than this.

“...I have noticed that when things happen in one's imaginings, they never happen in one's life, so I am curbing myself.” 
― Dodie Smith, I Capture the Castle

Only, I wish I could curb myself. I wish that I didn't jump into 1,001 different scenarios that are likely never going to happen, because it is just so darn frustrating when they don't. Why? Because, even though I might not be an excellent writer, I still am a writer, and the scenarios in my head are amazing.

So whether it is a job, a potential love interest, a missionary experience, a worked up lecture, a lesson, or anything, really, I just wish that for once, things would go as planned in my head.

The Supposed Imperious Curse

There's a debate going on one of my relative's walls right now that I haven't really engaged in, even though it has evoked some pretty strong feelings on my side. (Thank goodness I have this blog to vent to!) It's over a pretty relevant, emotional topic but the strong feelings have nothing to do with the actual topic that is being debated. I'm more upset  with the side comments coming from now ex-members of the church. Comments like this:

When we were active in the LDS church, I would say a lot of...things, because I was told what to think/feel. Now, I know better than to think or believe something just because I'm told to.

...for all the years when I was told how to think/feel/believe in regards to [insert topic here]...

I remember being in elementary school and having to tell my friends that I wouldn't be participating in such and such activity on Sunday, or that I didn't swear, or didn't date, or drink coffee, or whatever the thing was that I wasn't doing, and them asking, "You're not allowed to do that?"

It didn't take me long to figure out that I needed them to know that everything that I have done or not done in the name of the church, was MY CHOICE. One friend finally grasped this concept and started saying that drinking, smoking, etc. was "frowned upon" but she stopped making the mistake of saying that I wasn't "allowed" to do these things. I have my own agency. I can do whatever I want. I can think and feel however I want. Yes. There are consequences to every choice you make. And there might be some consequences to those thoughts and feelings, but that is the natural way of things.

How can you be a member of an organization for 40+ years and be so confused? We teach agency and accountability in the church. Everything we do is because we are trying to be more like our Savior and follow His teachings. We have been given guidelines and commandments to follow. We have prophets to lead and direct the church; leaders who happen to be men (and women) who have their own opinions and ideas about things, and just happen to be recorded nearly every time they open their mouths. If they say something that we don't like, we can go to the Lord in prayer and figure out if it is something that we need to pay attention to, or if it is something that might just be their honest opinion (prejudices and all). You can't tell me that you never let something slip out of your mouth that isn't the most PC or is laced with prejudice or judgment. What if somebody was walking around reporting every single thing that came out of your mouth? Do you think everyone would be OK with what you had to say?

You are not a mindless drone. You are not a programmable robot.

I have never, never been told to think or believe a certain thing about a certain thing that I didn't feel I had the option to weigh what I was being told and figure out whether or not it was true.

Everything I have done in my life is because I chose to do it. Everything I do now, is because I choose for myself to do it.

I have grown up in the church, and throughout my 26 years in it, I have modified and changed some of my views and beliefs as I developed a relationship with God. Just like any relationship, it has changed and modified over the years.

If you are blindly following something because you think you are supposed to, that isn't the fault of the institution that is working to provide the best instruction they can; that's your fault. God doesn't expect you to do anything without asking Him. He just wants you to follow Him and do your best to be like Him.

I just want to emphasize, the church does not tell you how to think or feel about any certain topic. We do not live under the imperious curse.

If you feel that way, then you need to do a little soul searching and figure out what you think and feel for yourself. The church can only provide the groundwork and environment: the doctrine, the scriptures, the study materials, the gift of the Holy Ghost, the peace of the temple, the opinions of the leaders. What you think and feel is yours alone. If it is contrary to doctrine, then you find a way to reconcile or...you make the choice of what that means for your life. No one else can.

Dear Box

Dear Box,

Your blatant disregard for natural processes and lack of respect for my wishes, feelings, and comfort need to cease and desist immediately.

I blame you for my lack of energy, general moodiness, my inability to concentrate and for the constant panic I walk around with. I'm too tired to stay up and too paranoid to go to sleep. Also, there is not enough hot water in the world to fill your insatiable need for hot showers; there is certainly not enough in our apartment, ever.

Also, you know how I feel about pumping myself full of pills (which you then proceed to ignore, anyway).

I am at my wits' end.

Sincerely,

Me

13 Articles of Healthy Chastity

There's a lot of reading to do on this topic, but I think it's one worth looking at considering the ages of your daughters at home or the young women in your stewardship. A friend of mine follows this blog and sent me the comments that followed this initial post. I think the topic of sexuality and sex education in the church is an important one that is often overlooked. You hear all kinds of weird stories about girls that get married and know absolutely nothing about sex, and then you read some of these comments about women who felt guilty and ashamed for much of their young adult lives because of what they are taught.

I would like to end with a list of Thirteen suggestions for helping Mormon women have more sex-positive experiences:

1. Overhaul the YW manuals, specifically emphasize chastity, virtue, and modesty as positive powerful choices, affirm the sacred nature of our bodies and our respect for God.
2.  Remove the defensive fear-based vignettes, change emphasis from ‘camel-nose-rape-one-slip-n-you’re-toast to the healing power of the Atonement.
3. Ask Youth leaders/teachers specifically to avoid object lessons that demean our divine nature or compare young women to objects (wilted flowers, tainted food, chewed up gum, battered wood, cabbages or licked cake).
4. Stop talking about modestly as anything other than a sign of self respect. Make boys guardians of their own virtue, girls have no stewardship over boys thoughts or actions.
5. Ask teachers not to have activities emphasizing outward appearance (like make overs and fashion shows) because teaching girls they must always be “modestly hot” in order to attract a husband is still teaching the false illusory power of attracting male attention with our bodies.
6. Root out references to the myth of male weakness. Emphasize that men can control themselves.
7. Include nuance in discussions about sex thoughts, sex discussions, sexual desire, and porn. Our Young Women will think about sex, they will see porn, they will feel desire, they need to talk about sex with reliable adults, they need tools, not blanket prohibitions and condemnation.
8. Include lessons on physical sexual and emotional abuse, and unrighteous dominion.
9. Empower girls to listen to personal revelation.
10. Emphasize that girls who are raped and abused are not responsible for their abuse. That there is no loss of chastity or virtue.
11. Train bishops on what date/acquaintance rape looks like. On my small blog alone, I can think of dozens of women who were called to repentance after being raped.
12. Encourage parents to have ongoing explicit age-appropriate discussions with their children about sex. It is vital that we lift the veil of silence and discomfort. Many Mormon parents are naively worried that they will give their children ideas, or somehow corrupt them with facts. The fact is that children are surrounded by sex, lots of bad information, and tons of sexually explicit materials. But it is a proven fact that the more reliable factual knowledge kids have about sex, the more they talk to their parents about sex, the less likely they are to engage in it. It may be too much to ask, but I dream of a day when the church provides parents with age appropriate manuals for a comprehensive factual approach to sex-education that uses words like penis and vagina and sex.
13. I am going to introduce my final and perhaps most pressing suggestion with another comment from fMh by AJ:

Sexual abuse in my childhood had spurred in me an odd fascination with sex, leading to experimentation with masturbation and pornography. These issues were never addressed directly in YW. Everything I knew about the church’s stance on these issues came from reading the priesthood session talks in the conference ensigns. I felt such deep shame–not only was I a sinner, I was sinning in a way only boys were supposed to sin.
Talking to bishops was awkward at best, harmful at worst. I was asked such inappropriate questions as “did you orgasm?” and was even manipulated and seduced into a physical relationship with one of my bishops. More often the issues I faced when trying to confess these transgressions was embarrassment–more on the part of the bishop than myself.
These men intended to help me would turn bright red and stutter that I should just stop these behaviors. They were too embarrassed to provide real support.
Now–I think bishops are in general very good men trying hard to do God’s work. But I was very, very deeply hurt by the actions of some of the bishops I worked with as a teen.
The amount of pain and confusion caused by the bishop who developed a physically romantic relationship with me is immeasurable and ongoing. I believe he was essentially a good man who just made some very, very bad mistakes. He’s received his punishment and forgiveness and he continues to takes steps to ensure that he never hurts anyone that way again.
But after what I endured at his hands I feel it is absolutely 100% inappropriate for YW to be taught that they must discuss sexual transgressions with an untrained older man in order to obtain the Lord’s forgiveness. I won’t pass on that teaching to my daughters, and you can bet I’ll never be turning to a priesthood leader for counsel regarding my sexuality again.
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=8666 (This link is where the above list comes from. Don't waste your time reading the comments on this particular post. Rather, read the comments that come from the subsequent post if you want to see what I talk about the things that are skewed within the lessons that are being taught in the church: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=8731#comments)

I in no way want this to be misconstrued into thinking that I somehow have a problem with the Law of Chastity. I don't think it is archaic. I don't think it is an impossible standard. I do think that because we live in a world where sex and sexuality is constantly bombarding us... where we have to live inside our own heads that don't let us forget that we naturally have desires and inclinations... that we can set this topic aside and hope that young women are taught by someone else, or that they will naturally figure it all out without being traumatized by some of the stories and object lessons that they hear.

Of course, not everyone will be scarred by the way they learned about the Law of Chastity and sex. I certainly don't think I was. But I do remember when the newer edition of the For the Strength of Youth came out and I was aghast about the new rule that we were not allowed to wear sleeveless shirts and dresses. My mom had never allowed me to wear spaghetti strap shirts, but I was used to wearing shirts that had two or three inch (wide) straps. I remember complaing that, "No guy is going to be turned on by my SHOULDER! Really! My shoulder?!"

Another Hollywood Divorce Makes Me Think

Since California's Proposition 8 several years ago, and then with the passing of legalizing gay marriage in New York, etc. there has been a lot talk about the whether or not marriage is "a white person thing" or if it is an antiquated ritual, or whatever.

A lot of the arguments against gay marriage is that we want to preserve the sanctity of marriage as was given to us by God -- a covenant made between a man and a woman. That's why the Church speaks out against gay marriage. But I read somewhere an article saying that if we want to preserve the sanctity of marriage, we shouldn't be fighting against gay marriage, but no-fault divorces.

The more I've thought about it, the more I agree.

As a society, we've taken the sacredness -- the binding contract that is supposed to last until "death do us part" (or eternity, if sealed in the temple) -- and made it so easy to get out of. There is no preservation of marriage if people can get married for 72 days, decide it's harder than expected or not the fairy tale wanted, and call it quits. How can you say that you've tried, in a little over a month?

I think that all divorce courts should ban no-fault divorces for at least a year, and see what happens. If there is abuse, if there is cheating... please, get out! But, if you are just sick of trying, or whatever number of selfish reasons you are looking for a way out, I think that taking a year (or two or three) to work on the marriage would do it a lot of good and maybe you would realize that you didn't want the divorce after all.

I've had several friends tell me that the first three years of their marriages were the hardest ever and that they were on the brink of divorce at least once during that time. I've had another friend tell me four years into her marriage, that she finally remembered why she had married her husband, because for the past two years she basically hated him. All of them were committed enough to stick it through the rough patches and are now stronger than ever.

I feel like I already blogged about this, and it turns out I did, sort of, here.

One guy in the class talked about his job where he basically enforces contracts. He told us how people call wanting to cancel their contract, all the time, thinking that it's no big deal. And that's the world we live in. People sign a housing contract, a phone contract or a marriage contract, thinking that if things get too tough, or if they find something better, or if they just don't want to do/try/etc. anymore, they can just walk away. 

This all comes out as Kim Kardashian, just two months after her ostentatious wedding, filed for divorce from her husband. Two months is short even for Hollywood standards, and I think that it is just plain ridiculous. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, at least. I guess since no one knows what a commitment is anymore, I shouldn't be surprised, but it makes me sick that because some rough patch (and if it is the stress of "not cutting it on the TV show" or whatever thing that is clearly self-inflicted through selfishness) comes up, it's time to quit. No. It's not time to quit. You work through it. You see counselors. You remember why you agreed to the commitment in the first place. You don't quit. You don't throw your hands up and say, "This is hard! I'm through!" You do the honorable thing, because “Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences.” 

But now I'm thinking about Katy Perry and Russell Brand, who like Kim, got married in a private but elaborate wedding, and a year later, are calling it quits. For some inexplicable reason, I'm actually bummed about this. Maybe it's because I've recently jumped on the Katy Perry fan boat, despite my protestations and efforts not to, or maybe it's because I thought they were so quirky and happy that I just expected them to work.

I don't know why people in Hollywood even bother anymore.

Don't Call Me Crazy

I went to Kneaders for lunch today at noon. I hate going anywhere at noon for lunch, but especially Kneaders. It's always packed and the one in Orem has parking for about 10 cars. So I parked a mile away, walked to the building and walked in and my ears were immediately assaulted with Christmas music and there were Christmas trees and ornaments and all manner of "Holiday" trimmings.

The Thanksgiving "shelf" was on a small, separate counter. It had.... two Indians and one turkey. One miniscule corner of brown and then all sorts of red and green.

Sigh.

I know it's a losing battle, but every year I get so worked up. I had the thought that it was probably a good thing that I wasn't just a titch crazier than I am...and good that I don't carry a concealed weapon. I seriously wanted to pop a cap in the speaker blaring I'll be Home for Christmas.

Commitment

Yesterday at church, we had a combined meeting where the Bishop's wife talked about commitment. When she first opened up the discussion, I thought she was going to talk about commitment to a spouse or something like that, but it turned in to something much different. She opened up by asking what we thought of when we heard the word commitment, especially commitment to the Lord. Most the comments were really good, but they were very positive and if you had listened to those making the comments, you might not think that my generation and the generations after me were commit-a-phobes. Because that's all I could think. Fear of commitment. Lack of commitment. Inability to commit.

I've had the Judds' Grandpa song in my head all day.



One guy in the class talked about his job where he basically enforces contracts. He told us how people call wanting to cancel their contract, all the time, thinking that it's no big deal. And that's the world we live in. People sign a housing contract, a phone contract or a marriage contract, thinking that if things get too tough, or if they find something better, or if they just don't want to do/try/etc. anymore, they can just walk away.

I never hear people talk of honor. I think, (not that historical novels are much base for accurate representation of the past) that once upon a time, honor was something people were willing to die for. I tie commitment and honor together, because those who are committed to be honorable are the very best sorts of people. When searching for quotes on honor and commitment, it didn't surprise me that the majority of them came from people that were in 1925 or before.

This all comes out as Kim Kardashian, just two months after her ostentatious wedding, filed for divorce from her husband. Two months is short even for Hollywood standards, and I think that it is just plain ridiculous. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, at least. I guess since no one knows what a commitment is anymore, I shouldn't be surprised, but it makes me sick that because some rough patch (and if it is the stress of "not cutting it on the TV show" or whatever thing that is clearly self-inflicted through selfishness) comes up, it's time to quit. No. It's not time to quit. You work through it. You see counselors. You remember why you agreed to the commitment in the first place. You don't quit. You don't throw your hands up and say, "This is hard! I'm through!" You do the honorable thing, because “Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences.”

(I know that sometimes divorce is necessary. I was a huge advocate for my sister getting out of her marriage from her husband, even after she found out she was pregnant. There are some marriages that don't work out because of one reason or the other.)

In the Church, we are all given assignments or callings where we have the opportunity to serve in some capacity for our ward. In Single's Wards, a lot of the callings are made up, and just excuses to get people to work together on a committee. For instance, I'm on the spiritual living counsel. I help organize a prayer meeting on Sundays, munch-n-mingles, etc. When we receive the calling, we're asked if we will accept it. So even on days that I don't want to go to Ward Prayer, I go. And even though it's hard to plan and orchestrate a dinner for some unknown number of people, I do. My co-chair doesn't seem to have the same level of commitment, as evidenced by his not showing up to ward prayer for weeks in a row; not returning text messages when trying to coordinate the activity; he didn't give a damn that he left me all alone until the day of the event.

And even for that same event, I had some 18 people sign up to make chili for the chili cook-off. I sent reminders out on Wednesday or Thursday. I had two people let me know that they wouldn't be able to make a chili. One was in response to the reminder. The other was on Sunday a few hours before the cook-off. The ones that frustrated me -- saddened me -- were the ones who signed up and showed up, bearing nothing in arms. What a contrast to the one guy who signed up and ended up not going to the cook-off, but still made the chili and dropped it off at my apartment. Now that's commitment! Or better still, the ones who did what they said they would do.

One of the comments made in our meeting was about how we are all so attached to our cell phones, which has made it easier for us to shoot out a quick text that says, "Hey, I actually can't make it tonight," or "I'll be late," or whatever. I am the absolute worst about being on time, but I make sure I RSVP and do my best to follow through. (I won't go in to how much I hate the "maybe" option on Facebook invitations and the people who are cruel enough to use them. Or the ones that just don't respond at all. Seriously, people? RSVP!!!)

Pizza Pirates

Last night I worked late, and so I decided to order a pizza that would hopefully arrive around the same time I did. I knew on Friday night, it might be too much to hope, so I happily waited for the estimated 45 minutes to pass, and then started getting annoyed. So I called, and while I was on the phone, I received a text. I waited to hang up with Papa Johns, who brushed me off, rather rudely, "Oh yes, it will be there soon. Ok? Bye."

I checked my message to find the following from an unknown number:

Shelli...you are eating our pizza...yours is sketchy..Hawaiian with green peppers...

It only took me a second to realize that whoever this person was, thought I was enjoying their pizza whilst they were being forced to enjoy mine (it was BBQ chicken with green peppers). So I replied.

Sounds delicious...Only I haven't gotten mine! You pizza pirate! How did you end up with mine?

Yes we did. Weird choice in toppings. :)

Delicious though. I try to have something green in all my meals...even pizza. And I'm starting, so I'm kind of upset that my pizza is where ever you are...and not here!

We texted back and forth until both of us had our pizzas. Mine had been remade and finally delivered. The delivery girl refused to take any sort of responsibility for having delivered my original pizza to the wrong place, even though I told her that the people she delivered to had texted me and told me what happened.

I was upset that I had to wait for over an hour for my pizza. I was upset that they didn't replace the pizza sauce to my breadsticks with another garlic sauce, as I had requested. I was curious as to why they didn't have me sign a slip, like they usually do when you put the pizza on a card. And I was ticked that I had added my tip on before the delivery girl even got there.

I felt bad to the pizza pirates, who texted and said that when they finally received their order, it was cold.

What concerns me most is that I have a pending transaction on my bank account for TWO orders. And when I called to get that cleared up, the manager was sort of an idiot. I don't know if he was listening, but he was like, "Did you get your pizza and your breadsticks?"

Yes. But that isn't the issue. I just don't want to be charged twice!

So, hopefully, only one transaction will go through, and not both of them. And you can bet that I'm probably done with the Provo Papa Johns.

Junk Faxes That Bite Back

I get junk faxes at least once a day. The machine buzzes and beeps and churns out page after page of "Discount Cruise Prices" and "Sell Your Ancient Cell Phones" and "Exciting New Small Business Finance!" (That one just spewed out of the old machine as I was typing.) It's gotten a lot better since I put the fax number on the donotcall.gov list, but I haven't been able to eliminate everything.

So last week when a product specification sheet came through addressed to "Kelly" and did not mention a related project or give specific directions as to who I should direct the information, I tossed it in to the recycling bin.

Fast forward to today and some guy calls and asks for "Kelly" to which I tell him that there is no one in our office by that name. Irritably he says, "Well, I don't know why they would tell me that!" I kind of stared at the phone, surprised by how upset he seemed to be. "Well, is there an office manager that I can talk to?"

"Well, yeah. That's me. Somebody probably got confused, because my name is Shelli."

Oh. He was placated for just a minute and went on and on about how great his product is. As if I know anything about it.... as if I have any say as to whether or not his product gets used.

"I sent you a fax..." Oh! It was that guy. The guy who had the presumption to send me a fax and think that I cared about his product enough to look and read through the specifications of it and what it does.

I was honest with him. I am not the person he needs to talk to. The person he does need to talk to is not here today. "Can you send me some information that I can pass on to Kevin?"

Oops. I should have known that he would be all riled up about the fact that he had sent me information in that fax. "The information isn't going to be any different than that fax," he snipped at me.

"Well," I said. "To be honest, that fax headed straight to the recycle bin when I received it."

"WHY would you do that?!" He growled, in not so many words.

"First, the fax was addressed to 'Kelly'," I reminded him. "Second, it didn't reference a project, so I couldn't send it to a project manager. I didn't know what to do with it. So I put it into the recycle bucket." Not only that, but he didn't include any other contact information other than the return fax number. So I couldn't even question him as to what it was supposed to be.

The guy's attitude put me on the defensive and really irritated me. I had asked him if he would email me the information he wanted me to pass on to Kevin, and he later asked me "which method I preferred to get that information." BY EMAIL! I wanted to shout at him, but instead I just gave him my email address and told him not to fax me anymore.

And then when I hung up, I called him a nasty name. Because really, the little turd deserved it.

Ambition: Dead

Every once in a while I get this great spurt of ambition. I want to change everything about my life. Move somewhere exotic (like, Texas, or something), change jobs, buy a house, go back to school, pay off all my credit cards, travel, take up furniture building, painting, upholstery, quilting and clothes designing, on top of joining a gym/hiring a personal trainer, etc. etc. etc.

And then I get smacked in the face by reality (read: my bank account) and I realize that I will probably be treading water for some time before anything really amazing can happen. Because all of that takes money.

That's the thing about making money and then paying bills. It leaves absolutely nothing to be saved, and what extra pennies I do scrape by with, it will take years and years to actually pay for any of that. Because a bunch of saved pennies is not even enough to buy a bolt of fabric in order to do upholstery or quilting.

And then I get all restless and claustrophobic.... and end up sulking in my house.

At least tonight when I sulk, I'll be cleaning too.

At least? Yeah, cleaning is some sort of magic consolation prize. Woot.

Is anybody else thinking it's funny that I had this burst of ambition today, on 4/20? Seems ironic, some how.

The Keystone of Testimony

I have been thinking about this particular post for well over a month now, and it will still be nowhere close to where I wanted it to be before I posted... but here it is, in its raw and imperfect form, just as I am. Just as we all are.

I have been discouraged by friends and family over the years that have been active members of the church and then made the choice to leave the church. Of course, I acknowledge that it is their decision and that they dictate their own choices - and while I may respect their ability to choose, it does not mean that I particularly respect the choice they've made.

I have an easier time with those that have left the church because they made a mistake and feel that they can't live up to the standards that the church asks you to maintain. In a world where drinking, smoking and casual sex is common place; where pornography runs rampant; where the family has been redefined from it's original design - it stands to reason that many will fall running through the gauntlet of society expectations. So I have friends and family members that have taken up drinking and smoking and sleep around and have their morning coffees and don't come to church. I have an easier time with them because: they still believe the church is true. They don't question the validity. They don't look for inaccuracies or ways to disprove the very thing they have been taught since they were young. No, they aren't living the standards. In fact, they are living quite contrary to some of the basic principles of the church. But there is still, even slight as it may be, the basic structure of the testimony they possessed long ago and they can't seem to deny it.

But then there are others, who I just... don't understand. I can't fathom their thought process and how they came to the spiritual (or lack of spiritual) place that they now stand. And yet, I have gotten glimpses into how they reached that point.

It is a testimony-building experience to have questions about the gospel. In fact, that is how a testimony is generally gained. No one has a perfect understanding, and since we believe in personal revelation, it seems (and is) the right thing to do to study for the answer and then take it to the Lord in prayer and receive an answer. I am not well-practiced in this process, but I know it does work. BUT having questions and then NOT praying, NOT studying the scriptures and NOT going to the temple is not the way to get an answer. You may get an answer, but I can tell you, that it isn't going to be a correct one because it won't be based on the spirit. I know that receiving answers requires traits like humility and an openness to receive an answer. It also requires patience and some faith as you do the thing which you are asking about. You don't gain a testimony of tithing without paying it.

A testimony is a very personal thing. We are taught that you can't live on borrowed light. You can't keep going forward thinking that because your parents believe something, you should too. Eventually it catches up with you and you have to figure things out for yourself.

One of the reasons that doesn't work, is because you can't base your testimony off an imperfect person. I received an email from one such person that said the following:

Through study and prayer we have come to the conclusion (in our minds) that Joseph Smith is not who the church presents him to be. And as many Prophets and Apostles have stated, this Church starts and ends with Joseph Smith. Either he is the greatest man who ever lived next to Jesus Christ or this work is a fraud. We have studied his life, his history, his words, and his records, Church documents, etc...

This is not true.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God..." Not your friends. Not some BYU professor. And not Joseph Smith. Ask God. "...and it shall be given him." (James 1:5)

Joseph Smith was a man. As such, he was imperfect. Full of fault. Of course the church that he helped to restore would revere him! Despite all his follies, he still brought forth the true and everlasting gospel of Jesus Christ. He still translated the Book of Mormon. He brought back the priesthood keys, the saving ordinances, built a temple where endowments can be received and families can be sealed together for eternity! I don't care that he looked for secret treasure, or even if he believed in magic... or that he was sealed to thirty different women (I don't know the specific number and I have my own beliefs on that particular thing anyway) or whatever the accusations are against him! It. Should. Not. Matter. Why would - why should - we focus on the bad, when there is so much good? We aren't going to dwell on the mistakes that Joseph Smith, or other leaders of the church, make because what would the point be? We shouldn't dwell on the mistakes that we make, either. That is what repentance and the grace of God is for.

The keystone of testimony should not be Joseph Smith, or any other man that has led this wonderful church. That would be complete folly, and will most certainly set you up to find fault with something you have believed - nay, KNOWN - to be true.

Ezra Taft Benson said in 1986,

...the Book of Mormon is the keystone of testimony. Just as the arch crumbles if the keystone is removed, so does all the Church stand or fall with the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. The enemies of the Church understand this clearly. This is why they go to such great lengths to try to disprove the Book of Mormon, for if it can be discredited, the Prophet Joseph Smith goes with it. So does our claim to priesthood keys, and revelation, and the restored Church. But in like manner, if the Book of Mormon be true—and millions have now testified that they have the witness of the Spirit that it is indeed true—then one must accept the claims of the Restoration and all that accompanies it.

The church's validity does not crumble with Joseph Smith. I know he was a prophet called of God, but he still made mistakes. Thomas S. Monson, the current prophet of the church, probably makes just as many. And every prophet and leader, whether it be bishop, stake president or general authority, has his own prejudices, life experiences and imperfections that may dictate the things that he says or does. It does not make the church untrue. All it does is prove the absolute necessity for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which we all have access to.

I make mistakes. I have made some serious mistakes in my life. But I do not question the testimony that I have had since before I was baptized at the age of eight. Life is hard, and sometimes it down right sucks. It seems that we are bombarded with thing after thing of pain and toil and in the end, we step in crap just to make it worse. People live with years of cancer. They have children that go wayward for 40 years. Money comes and goes.

None of it changes the fact that God is there listening to us. He leads us with a prophet that he raised up to guide us.

And I know all this, because I know the Book of Mormon is true.

Elder Uchtdorf said,

Have you ever noticed that people can usually find whatever they are looking for? Look hard enough, and you can discover both good and bad in almost anyone and anything. People have done the same with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since its beginning.  

The scriptures: the Book of Mormon, the Bible and the words of modern day prophets (do you know how blessed we are to have prophets on the earth!?) are where you find answers. Don't go seeking elsewhere. If you have questions about the church, turn to the Book of Mormon. Seek your answers there. And then, turn to the promise given in Moroni 10.

3Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how ^amerciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ^bponder it in your ^chearts.
4And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ^aask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not ^btrue; and if ye shall ask with a ^csincere heart, with ^dreal intent, having ^efaith in Christ, he will ^fmanifest the ^gtruthof it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.
5And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may ^aknow the ^btruth of all things.
6And whatsoever thing is good is just and true; wherefore, nothing that is good denieth the Christ, but acknowledgeth that he is.
7And ye may ^aknow that he is, by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore I would exhort you that ye deny not the power of God; for he worketh by power, ^baccording to the faith of the children of men, the same today and tomorrow, and forever. 

Sometimes I think it seems easier to give up living the gospel, so we can focus on living the rest of our lives. I think this is the greatest mistake we can ever make. I can't imagining making life harder than it has to be by giving up the one constant in my life.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said,

“Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.”

Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ,they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.

I Promise, You're Still Engaged

This post was going to be a lesson. A lesson to all those people out in the world (read: "the bubble", oh, Provo...) who have this idea of what the definition of "engagement" really is. A definition that I disagree with, and that, frankly, I find stupid.

But as I was doing research for my article (read: I looked it up on Wikipedia) I noticed a small wrench in my argument, and so this has turned in to a full-fledged rant.

You have been warned.

See, for those of you who are not Mormons, you may not understand the process of Mormon courtship. It moves at such lightning speeds and therefore is hard to observe, so I honestly don't blame you for not knowing the details. Of course, by worldly standards, I'm just as baffled by non-Mormon courtships...but that is another topic for another time.

From what I understand of non-Mormon relationships, there may be some talk of "eventual" marriage, but the actual proposal is not usually anticipated or known. Non-Mormons get to have a little more surprise when it comes to their proposals, because they never know when to expect it. A couple may pledge their love and devotion to one another, but that doesn't always mean lifetime commitment, and so the proposal can be presented in the heat of a moment, after months of planning or through some elaborate concocted idea that the other has no idea about.

Mormons follow a little different pattern. There doesn't need to be snooping around in underwear drawers and such for a ring if a girl wonders if the guy is planning on proposing. She might sit and wonder and hope... but she doesn't want to rush him into it, or...whatever. Because, after two months of dating (or less), the two will sit down and have a serious talk about marriage - it might not start out seriously, but if the other sounds remotely interested, it could turn serious pretty quickly - and then the couple will each turn to prayer and see if they get a confirmation from Heavenly Father as to if the person is the right person.* If they do feel that their marriage is sanctioned by God, then the wedding plans start. Interviews are scheduled with the bishop, the stake president; the stake center is reserved...

And yet, in a lot of couples' minds - the girls being the most guilty - they aren't engaged.

Sorry. My definition reads something like this:

ENGAGED [en-geyjd] : adjective pledged to be married. 

Their definition reads something more along the lines of: Engaged [en-geyjd] the moment she has the ring on her finger.

(Incidentally, the wrench that was thrown in my argument may also work as their definition, it went along the lines of "engagement: the period between a proposal and marriage." Which, I suppose is true, however, since we skip the actual proposal part before we decide on what the answer will be... I feel that you become engaged BEFORE the Mormon proposal.)

I've known girls who have their dress being altered, final say on the invites with the correct date printed on them, who, because she does not have the ring, she refused to say that she is engaged. I get that when the decision is made before an official proposal has taken place, it gets a little confusing. But I sort of don't get the big proposal, anyway,  when you are LDS, because you've already decided that you are going to be spending eternity with each other. What's the point of the big gesture, when there isn't the thrill and the surprise in it? ... Ok, I can't back up that argument. I am a romantic, and I love the idea of a guy taking the time and ingenuity to plan some great way to tell his affianced that he is utterly and desperately in love with her. It doesn't hurt to hear that over and over again, after all. But still, there is a practicality (I know, shocking, right) that still wants to gloss over the fact at how wonderful it is to hear it and to see it, when it's basically already been spoken for in your intent to be married from the first. Also, let's be honest. The point of the proposal is to shower grand speeches and masterful affections, but it also to present a ring.

What about those that don't have money for a ring just yet? After all, there are so many young couples getting married around these parts that I don't know how they managed to afford all the diamonds* I've heard of one girl being given a fake ring, because her fiance (not that she called him that) couldn't afford a ring... why not save the "proposal" for when you can actually get the ring?

If there is no ring, and no surprise.... why do you need the proposal since you're are already engaged? Or, since I basically answered my own question above, WHY don't they just wait until they have saved up for the ring? Especially if they intend for an actual ring eventually.


Ok. Rant finished, I think. For now. I've just seen so many people deny that they were engaged, even though they had every intention of getting married... and it is just silly to me. Please see my definition if the details of this rant have lost you somewhere.

*Also, I need to clear up the fact that I'm not against this process. I think Heavenly Father plays a very important, indeed, dire, role in a decision this monumental. When Mormons marry in the temple, it is for eternity. So a question that has eternal consequences should not be made in a moment of passion or because you've been together for five years or whatever. It very much should be presented to the Lord as an option, and He will then support and create a stronger relationship.

The Honor Code

Honor Code Statement

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men. . . . If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things (Thirteenth Article of Faith).
As a matter of personal commitment, faculty, administration, staff, and students of Brigham Young University, Brigham Young University—Hawaii, Brigham Young University—Idaho, and LDS Business College seek to demonstrate in daily living on and off campus those moral virtues encompassed in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and will

Be honest Live a chaste and virtuous life Obey the law and all campus policies Use clean language Respect others Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse Participate regularly in church services Observe the Dress and Grooming Standards Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the Honor Code

Specific policies embodied in the Honor Code include (1) the Academic Honesty Policy, (2) the Dress and Grooming Standards, (3) the Residential Living Standards, and (4) the Continuing Student Ecclesiastical Endorsement. (Refer to institutional policies for more detailed information.)

I've been reading a lot of Honor Code bashing today that has stemmed from the dismissal of a rather prominent BYU basketball player from what has likely been the most talented and successful team BYU has had in a long, long time.

The fact that the infraction of the honor code happened right before March Madness and the tournaments began, has really brought a lot of press and attention - and more, a lot of negative feelings towards BYU and their standards for living.

It blows my mind to a point where I am too frustrated to type. And because I am feeling a little guilty. I think that there are very few of us that have gone through our tenure at BYU and have walked away knowing that we lived the rules of the Honor Code 100%. I know that I was not always kicking the boys out of my apartment after midnight or turning up my nose when someone offered me the answer to my Latin homework. However, I can say that whenever I got my Ecclesiastical Endorsement (a statement you turn in once a year signed by you and your bishop or ecclesiastical leader saying that you are following the Honor Code), the questions are whether or not you are striving to live the Honor Code. Which, I think leaves a little wiggle room for mistakes - not blatantly breaking the code of conduct set forth by the code.

For those that are confused about what is required of BYU students, I've copied the questions that the Ecclesiastical Endorsement asks the bishop:


• If LDS, is the student in full fellowship (without any informal or formal probation, disfellowship or excommunication from, or voluntary disaffiliation from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)?
• Does the student live a chaste and virtuous life, including avoidance of pornography, abstinence from sexual relations outside of marriage, and abstinence from homosexual conduct?
• Does the student live the Word of Wisdom by abstaining from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, coffee, tea, and other harmful substances? (Please notice that there is no mention of caffeine in this list!)
• If LDS, does the student demonstrate appropriate and consistent Church activity?
• Is the student honest?

As I read this list, I am completely baffled by what, exactly, those outside of BYU have a problem with. BYU is very clear about their standards for their students. They want us living a life of superior moral conduct in the way we handle ourselves, our relationships with others and within our students. BYU stresses integrity, honesty and improvement of self.

While reading the comments on ESPN.com, I read a few comments that praised BYU for sticking to their moral code and not trying to find a way to keep the player on the team for the tournament. Surely losing such a valuable player will cost BYU its greatest basketball season, but there are more important things in life than sports - and understanding consequences and sticking to the decision in integrity is one of them. Disappointing though it may be.

I was more disappointed in the rest of the comments though. Aside from the typical Mormon bashing that goes on whenever members or references to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are made (i.e. polygamy, racism - which played a huge part in these comments due to the fact that the player was black; the argument of whether or not we are Christians, etc.), people on this particular board were stuck on the fact that the Honor Code prohibits extramarital sex. They called this "rule" an antiquated, backwards and unrealistic expectation of college-aged students. Further comments suggested that BYU students are not able to have fun because of the lack of alcohol and sex on campus. "What do they do for fun...knit booties?" One commenter asks. BYU is criticized because the "real world doesn't work like this," and told that "most Judeo-Christian virtues don't hold in modern society." They suggested that BYU should go over their standards and adjust them to fit in with worldly standards and to "stop pretending that [sex] doesn't happen [all the time]." Our "Puritan system" is considered "a joke" amongst those who are looking in from the outside. My favorite comment is: "If all schools had an honor code, colleges wouldn't exist."

Because everyone knows that the point of college is to go get wasted, fool around with as many people as possible and get laid as often as possible...

...Not for an education.

The more I read, the more disgusted I was because I began to take it personally. I'm being judged for holding myself to a set of morals, values and conduct that are considered "antiquated." These people posting on the board insist that this basketball player should not be told what he can and cannot do, and yet, they are totally ignoring the fact that those that sign the Honor Code are holding themselves to those same standards (or should be)... not just because that is what the school is expecting of us, but because we believe in them as well.

I am so disappointed that these things that have only been openly and generally accepted in society for the past 45 years, are now thought to be inevitable. That expectations to abstain are completely ludicrous because it's "natural." That people are being mocked and ridiculed for holding themselves to a higher standard - as if there is something wrong with that!

What's wrong is the fact that the world has accepted this general decay of morals and values. That no one wants to take a stand against what is wrong and lazy and contains not an ounce of self-control. I do not think it is wrong to expect to work towards something. In a world of instant gratification, it's too bad that people really think it so strange to put off natural desires for a proper time and place. Or to abstain completely from things like drugs and alcohol, just for the sake of doing it. It doesn't have to be inevitable.

It's made me wish that I had been a better example. There are things in the Honor Code that I don't necessarily agree with (the beard clause is my biggest complaint), but as a whole, I think it is a wonderful code of conduct that only pushes you to be a better person with more discipline, self-control and integrity.

And I fail to see what is wrong with that or how that can possibly go out of style?

Forty

• The rains (in Noah's day) fell for 40 days and nights (Genesis 7:4).
• Israel ate Manna for 40 years (Exodus 16:35).
• Moses was with God in the mount, 40 days and nights (Exodus 24:18).
• Moses was again with God 40 days and 40 nights (Exodus 34:28).
• Moses led Israel from Egypt at age 80 (2 times 40), and after 40 years in the wilderness, died at 120 (3 times 40; Deuteronomy 34:7).
• The spies searched the land of Canaan for 40 days (Numbers 13:25).
• Therefore, God made Israel wander for 40 years (Numbers 14:33-34).
• 40 stripes was the maximum whipping penalty (Deuteronomy 25:3).
• God allowed the land to rest for 40 years (Judges 3:11).
• God again allowed the land to rest for 40 years (Judges 5:31).
• God again allowed the land to rest for 40 years (Judges 8:28).
• Abdon (a judge in Israel) had 40 sons (Judges 12:14).
• Israel did evil; God gave them to an enemy for 40 years (Judges 13:1).
• Eli judged Israel for 40 years (1 Samuel 4:18).
• Goliath presented himself to Israel for 40 days (1 Samuel 17:16).
• Saul reigned for 40 years (Acts 13:21).
• Ishbosheth (Saul's son) was 40 when he began reign (2 Samuel 2:10).
• David reigned over Israel for 40 years (2 Samuel 5:4, 1 Kings 2:11).
• The holy place of the temple was 40 cubits long (1 Kings 6:17).
• 40 baths (measurement) was size of lavers in Temple (1 Kings 7:38).
• The sockets of silver are in groups of 40 (Exodus 26:19 & 21).
• Solomon reigned same length as his father; 40 years (1 Kings 11:42).
• Elijah had one meal that gave him strength 40 days (1 Kings 19:8).
• Ezekiel bore the iniquity of the house of Judah for 40 days (Ezekiel 4:6).
• Jehoash (Joash) reigned 40 years in Jerusalem (2 Kings 12:1).
• Egypt to be laid desolate for 40 years (Ezekiel 29:11-12).
• Ezekiel's (symbolic) temple is 40 cubits long (Ezekiel 41:2).
• The courts in Ezekiel's temple were 40 cubits long (Ezra 46:22).
• God gave Nineveh 40 days to repent (Jonah 3:4).
• Jesus fasted 40 days and nights (Matthew 4:2).
• Jesus was tempted 40 days (Luke 4:2, Mark 1:13).
• Jesus remained on earth 40 days after resurrection (Acts 1:3).
• Women are pregnant for 40 weeks (time of testing). 
• http://www.ecclesia.org/truth/40.html

Apparently, you do not have to be pregnant to go through the 40 days of testing. But I think I have been very patient for these past 40 days and 40 nights. And I highly doubt that there is any special significance to this particular 40 days of testing...

Of course, it could be worse, it could be 40 weeks.

But I really don't think my patience will last that long.

Where's My Consolation Prize

We all have them.

Days where we are unfulfilled, dissatisfied and maybe a little confused as to where our lives are or are going. When we think, "I'm more than this." Or, "I want more than this."

It's weird to sit and watch people who are famous just for being famous, and not because they have talent. And yet, there they are, traveling the world, meeting glamorous people who actually are talented and spending money to their heart's content.

It's humbling to see others whose names are out in the world because they are making such a tremendous impact on the world. Through new policies or new inventions. By fighting for a cause and taking a stand against that which is wrong in our world.

And then there's me. Us. Those of us who live ordinary lives. We wake up, get ready for the day, drive to work, work - for eight, ten, twelve hours a day - maybe squeeze in a little time with family, spouses or roommates, and then go to bed in order to start all over again.

Of course, some of us live more ordinary lives than others. When talking to some friends about this feeling of living such a "small life", one of them made the comment:
 I feel like that too, and then I have to punch myself in the face and say, "just be glad you have a job, and it allows you do to do cool things and have a house."

I've been going back and forth all day, going over that comment over and over and over. Because, on the one hand, I am very grateful for my job. I've been very blessed this past year. I've done cool things. I went to Florida. I went to New York City. I went home a few times. I've been able to pay all of my bills. And buy new tires and brake lines for my car when necessary.

But on the other hand, I'm not really doing "cool things." And I'm definitely not doing the cool things I want to be doing. Like my friend, whose "cool things" almost certainly involve her travels around the world. I'm not closer to having a house. Or even, a living arrangement that I really want.  Like, being away from BYU housing and a house-full of girls.

I'm still in debt. And probably will be for the very least, the next three years (that isn't including paying back school loans), but that's only if something disastrous doesn't come my way - car, health, etc. - and I cut my spending to the bare - barer - essentials. 

I feel like as a 25-year old, that's single, I should be full of show-cased talent; I should be traveling the world and meeting new, awesome people. Basically, I should be having the time of my life. But instead, I'm living this: wake up, go to work, scrape by, pretend to have fun, go to sleep; repeat, mode. And I'm stuck because, while graduated, I'm not really qualified for more than the office work I am already doing. I can't afford to go to grad school and become a teacher like I am seriously contemplating doing. And I don't want to be in Provo anymore! But I'm too terrified and too clueless on how to get out.

The world is a scary place. And really, I don't know how the people who live in the spotlight do it. I don't want to live some anonymous life, but I don't envy having the camera in every intimate - and not-so-very-exciting - detail. So where do you go to find the balance? How do you escape this feeling of "smallness"?

I don't honestly have the answer. I keep thinking about how the answer in Church is always to go out and serve. It seems like any time you are afflicted with self-.... anything, you're counseled to step outside of yourself and help others. I don't know if that is really the answer. It seems like more of a distraction from the problem and not really a solution.