My Madeline

This year Madeline is in the second grade. And she has had a lot of changes take place in her little life. Her teacher left after the first week of school and took a position at another school and Madeline was devastated. She adjusted well to her new teacher but then we started the packing and moving process. There has just been a lot going on and I have worried that I haven't been providing the stable environment that she and Tucker need to thrive at home and at school.

Typically Madeline is a straight A student and receives nearly perfect daily scores for her behavior as well. Well, their behavior reward system this year starts on three every day and kids can move up to 6 which is excellent or down to 0 which is a trip to the principal and a call to the parents. M has only gotten a handful of 6's so when she does we make sure to make a really big deal of it. I honestly don't think she'd doing anything wrong in class...her kindergarten teacher gave me some wise advice and said, "If she were as smart as she is AND making perfect behavior scores everyday THEN I would be worried. She wouldn't be a normal kid!" But the fact that she wasn't earning many 6's was concerning to her so again- when she gets one it's a celebration.
If a kid makes a 6 in her class they get to choose something from the treasure box that day. Madeline finally got the chance at the treasure box again and yesterday she came home with a blue train wind up toy.

Tucker lost his mind. Begged for it. He had been napping when she got home from school and was still asleep when she left for dance so I wouldn't let him play with it until she came home from dance and have him permission to.

As soon as she walked in the door he grabbed the train and started in on her. Begging over and over not just to play with it but to HAVE it. Forever. I had suggested earlier that he give her the rainbow he had made in school so they would have a fair trade. He agreed that that was a good idea but neglected to mention it when he was pleading with her. I don't think she ever had a chance to respond because anything that came out of her mouth that didn't sound like "sure" or "yes" was met with louder and louder cries from Tuck. It was out of control.

I asked her to come and talk to me and told Tucker NOT to talk until his sister and I were finished. That's when she said something that warmed me to my core. Something that reminded me why being a parent is the most amazing thing- most amazing blessing- I have ever known.

She said, "didn't you wonder why, when I finally got treasure box again, I chose a BLUE TRAIN mommy? I did it because Tucker doesn't like to learn. He doesn't want to read and he doesn't want to play school with me. He acts up and won't repeat the letters or sound out the words. I got it so TUCKER could have treasure box when I am the teacher. So I can teach him to read! He will earn the train when he does his work!"
Tucker was down for it. He RAN upstairs and my boy, who usually HATES it when we try to get him to sound out simple words or identify letters etc, went upstairs with his sister and wrote his name and learned how to spell words and even sounded them out for his sister. His sweet precious thoughtful sister.

She came downstairs after he had earned his train and told me to be sure and say "yay Tucker!" And to clap for him. He came down and we both did just that. He showed me HIS new train and he was beaming with pride.

I don't know how or why God blessed me with these two souls to care for. But I am thankful. They are perfect to me and the perfect siblings for one another. I'll say it again- not every day is like this- it's not all butterflies and rainbows- but I try to keep in mind on days when it is not that God gives us the gift of a fresh new day, everyday, to be the best we can be. And some days their best absolutely fills me up to the brim with joy.


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Madeline's 7th birthday- an Indian Tea Party

You know how your first baby makes you a mom- the anxiety, the learning curve, the joy, and the wonder of it all...and how your second kid makes you a better mom?  Well, Madeline made me a mom.  A gift I can't even begin to describe the awesomeness of.  And Tucker has made me an easier going mom.  But Madeline makes me a better mom every day.  She teaches me more than I knew I needed to learn and she surprises me every day with her insight, empathy, and soul.  So, my baby has always loved Indian culture.  She has always wanted her very own saree.  And she wanted an "Indian Tea Party" this year for her birthday...so that's what we did!  All of the ideas are Madeline's.  My job was to execute them according to her instructions and keep it all within a budget per Tyler's request.  It was such a fun day.

 Each little girl got a pouch with a mirror and bangles in it.  Then they all picked a bindi and I draped them with scarves.

 Madeline's Mimi was the first grandmother to respond to my "grandmother 9-1-1" email and she procured Madeline this AMAZING saree and jewels via Chasing Fireflies.  The bindi were from the BindiShop on Etsy.

 I have always loved Indian food but had a very limited amount of knowledge about Indian customs and culture.  I wanted this to be a real learning experience for all of us.  We went to a local Indian restaurant where Madeline and I had arranged for them to serve kheer, gulab jabun, and Indian chocolate mousse. This restaurant is beautiful.  They have huge crystal chandeliers everywhere, high archways, tall brass teapots, and a big mural of the Taj Mahal.

In an effort for all of us to learn a little more I made the girls coloring books about India.  I found simple images of the Taj Mahal, Mehndi, Bindi, and Indian elephant, a Bengal tiger, and two Indian mandala- a peacock and a lotus flower.  Madeline and I watched The Life of Pi last week and the timing of its release was perfect.  Great for a first discussion about other places, religions, customs, and beliefs.  Each image had a brief and simple description of its origin and meaning.  The girls had colored pencils and they worked on their coloring books while we waited for our "brunch sweets" as Madeline called them.

 Madeline LOVES the mousse.  The girls were great and tried everything including masala chai which they each used about 12 sugar packets to sweeten.  I had packed along cupcakes as well just in case some of them didn't like the Indian treats.

 Happy birthday to Madeline!

 Posing.

 Madeline loves her SWEET masala chai.

 My precious angel.

 Everyone says Madeline looks like me.  Here I can really see it.

 M PRETENDING to serve from the giant tea pot.

 We are so very fortunate to have precious friends that would travel to the end of the earth, rearrange schedules, and move mountains to be sure to be with us on special days. Thank you Tandee and Brandy.

 I love this- Mary Claire was collecting the tissue as fast as M could open her presents- I thought- how helpful! It was actually so she could shower Madeline with it after opening everything- which was equally special and sweet.

I love our girls and I loved this day.  They were all so open to a new experience and Madeline had so much fun.  It was a very special birthday!

Paper Flowers

Madeline and I spent an afternoon making paper flowers a week ago or so. It was one of those thick dark days where we had all stayed in our pj's. Tyler had had on the football game(s) and the kids had played together. I think I had made some food that we all snacked on all day and Tyler had kept the fire going. It had been a good day. We made paper flowers for my grandmother and for my best friend's mom. Both were in the hospital. Gigi was and is still in CCU and real flowers aren't allowed because of bacteria and also because the rooms are very sparse there. There seems to only be room for the bulky equipment required in the room and the bed. There aren't chairs and the visiting hours are very limited. Children under 10 aren't allowed in the waiting room and children under 14 aren't allowed into the unit. The kids don't fully know yet why Gigi is there but they have known she has been sick for quite some time.

I didn't take the flowers and poster Madeline had made Gigi there until yesterday. I was certain that it was going to be the day that she woke up and I wanted her to see them and immediately know how much she was loved and missed. I cleared the decorations with the front desk and placed them in her room. All day yesterday I held her hand and never left her side. I think there were times when she could hear me but I'm not certain that she ever really saw me. I think she knew I was there.

She still isn't awake and we still don't know what will happen next yet. It will be up to her and her 91 year old body to determine if she is strong enough to push air through lungs that have labored so hard for so many months.

But I'm glad the flowers and picture are there. And I'm glad for the time I have had to spend with her by myself. Holding her hand and talking. Kissing her head and tending to her. I hope she has heard me. And I hope she knows how much the kids and I love her. And how much we hope she sees Madeline's paper flowers soon.





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bad hair day

I just heard Madeline say, "TUCKER! Don't DO that! That's very dangerous! You could have gotten electrocuted, it could have hurt you very bad, it could have shocked you, you could have had a bad hair day because it would make your hair stand up, all kinds of bad things could have happened! Don't do that any more."

I guess he touched an outlet or something? Maybe I should have gone to check but it sounded like M had it under control and I decided it was more important to document it. :-)

Our Crazy Week

Madeline auditioned to perform in this years Ballet Arkansas performance of The Nutcracker.  I knew that it would be a commitment, and other than dance class on Fridays and her regular school load we don't have many commitments, so I was sure we could take this on.  And we have- for the most part.  I have been so proud of Madeline.  Rehearsal has been every Saturday and she has gone without complaining and seemed to really hear me the time that we did have to talk about it and I explained to her what a privilege it was to be able to participate and share the stage with such amazing talent. She has had to miss a few birthday parties but even then she did not complain. 

This week has been the final week.  It's all kind of a blur but I think that we had 2 rehearsals last weekend, staging and spacing at Robinson Center on Tuesday evening, dress rehearsal there on Thursday evening, and her first performance was yesterday morning for the schools.  This week I thought we could do it all.  But Tuesday night her rehearsal started at 5:30 and my hope was that by some miracle we would be out by 6 and that that would give us enough time to make it to her school Christmas concert.  We didn't make it.  We left rehearsal at 8.  Madeline was starving and I thought purple cow might make her feel better.  While we were there I asked her if she was disappointed about having to miss her school concert and if she had had a solo.

She started sobbing right there in the booth.  She told me that she had forgotten to tell me that she had been chosen to read her letter to Santa at the performance.  That her music teacher and Mrs. Papp were counting on her to be there.  I started crying too.  So we just held each other for a few minutes and I told her I was so very sorry that I had had no idea and that we would have skipped rehearsal had I known.  I sent her teacher a text asking for a copy of her Santa letter and we recorded Madeline performing all of her songs when we got home.  But it just felt like such a failure to not have gotten her there.  Madeline got ready for bed but I couldn't shake the feeling.


When she got her pajamas on she came back into the living room where I was sitting and looking at all of the pictures our friends had posted of the concert.  I told Madeline that I was still so upset about having missed it.

Now, this is why I love Madeline down to my soul.  I love her so much that love doesn't feel like an adequate expression.  She IS my soul.  Madeline said (while hugging me), "It's okay Mommy.  We did the best we could.  We had to be at Nutcracker rehearsal, you sent Mrs. Papp a message asking for my Santa letter, and you let me perform for you and Daddy and Tucker.  It's going to be okay."

And it has "all been okay."  Madeline has been a trooper.  Yesterday at her school performance she was a pro.  Her performance was perfect.  I was afraid she was going to be concerned because she wouldn't be able to find me in the audience.  I wouldn't be in my usual spot.  She did pop out and immediately look for me and I could see a little concern on her face but then she jumped right back into her role and smiled and did her part perfectly.  I'll post about how amazing it has been to participate in this show later but for now I just wanted to make sure I documented another moment in time when Madeline's precious little heart saved me.  I am so blessed to be her Mommy.

Comfort

The holiday season is hard for me.  I know it can be for a lot of people.  During this season we all work so hard at making things festive and feeling festive but in the joy of the season I also struggle with the pain of loss.

Ten years (almost 11) ago my brother and his son, my sweet 5 year old nephew, passed away.  I miss them every day but I wanted to share some things that give me comfort.  Maybe if any of you who read my blog are struggling with sadness or loss this post might help you find comfort in your own lives.  For my family- the  tragedy of the boys loss sometimes makes the joy of their lives difficult to think about or remember.  I have been reminded. And I am thankful for that.

Shortly after we lost Lou and Luke my Mom made a new friend.  Her name is Deborah.  Deborah was and is a single mom and has a son named Matthew.  Deborah is the same age as my brother would have been.  Her son Matthew is a few years younger than Luke would have been but when we met them he has a tiny little boy who resembled Luke.  He was so smart and kind.   We loved them both and quickly became a part of their lives.  Deborah was happy to share Matthew with us and always made sure to invite Mom and Dad to his Grandparent's events.  Matthew benefited from his relationship with my parents and my parents were blessed over and over by their relationship with him.  He was a precious child. 

Matthew is now a precious almost teenager.  He is such a good kid.  And smarter than I can describe.  He has always excelled at school and a year or so ago was watching kids' week on Jeopardy and decided to take the online quiz to see if he could qualify to appear on the show.  He was asked to audition last spring in Houston and Mom went with him and his mom to the trials.  Matthew caught the attention of the producers there thanks to his great personality, an original song he had written about Jeopardy, and a minivan decorated to the hilt announcing his arrival.

Well, Matthew not only made it through the audition in Houston he also made it to L.A. for the actual competition and taping.  Again, Deborah and Matthew were kind enough to ask Mom to join them for this adventure and Mom got to look on (with her breath held) as Matthew won over $40,000 and won the kids' competition.

Last week Deborah called Mom with some news.  A local television news reporter had called Deborah to say that they had heard that Matthew was going to appear on Jeopardy and that they would like an interview with him.  Deborah explained that he had already been on the show, it had already aired, he had won, and that another local station had covered the events extensively.  She hung up, curious about the call, and called the Jeopardy producer who is now a close friend.

Maggie, the producer, explained that they had no plans for Matthew to make another appearance but that another young man from our town was there with her taping and that he would be appearing on teen Jeopardy. She said that he was actually sitting there with her at that moment and that he would love to talk to her.

The young man that got on the phone was a former elementary school student of Deborah's.  He had come to the school where she was teaching after the fourth grade year had started.  She wanted to assess his writing level and asked him to write an essay about his best friend.  The then fourth grader, Leonard, wrote an essay about his best friend, Luke.

And that's where I start crying folks and the screen is difficult to see as I type this.  I remember hearing about Leonard.  Our Luke loved him so much.  They were the best of friends in kindergarten.  And 4 years later that precious boy was still touched enough by Luke to write an essay about him.  Deborah was astonished and had given a copy of the essay to my Mom. Mom was on the board of directors for the school at that time and ran into Leonard's mother one day while she was there.  They became friends and Mom took so much comfort in knowing Leonard and his mother (a single parent as well) and knowing how well he was doing.  They lost track of one another but hearing the news about Leonard from Deborah blew Mom away.  Me too.

Deborah talked to Leonard for a while and expressed how proud she was for him and then talked to Maggie again.  Maggie said Leonard had already been talking to her about Deborah, my Mom, and telling her about our Luke.  Amazing.  I don't know the outcome of Leonard's performance on Jeopardy but I do know that we will all be tuning in and cheering on this young man when the episode does air.

Mom told me the story last week and said, "Isn't that just an amazing coincidence?" And through my sobbing I managed to say, "No."

There is no peace to be found in the way we lost our boys.  It was gut-wrenching and unspeakable and so so sad.  So grieving is difficult because there is no comfort or understanding to be found in their loss.  There was no reason for it and no one can say "it was God's will."  God didn't "call home" our boys but I am sure He welcomed them with open arms.  And although there is no comfort to be found in their loss, learning of Leonard and having had the opportunity to watch Matthew, with the guidance of his wonderful mother, grow into an amazing young man has provided us a lot of joy.  And I feel like this story is a gift from God, and Lou, and Luke.  It is their way of giving us a glimpse of peace and a way to feel comforted by them.  God didn't take away our boys but He has heard our prayers and your prayers for our peace and comfort and we are comforted.  Love to you all. 

I am so thankful for those of you who have allowed me to talk about and share the memories of our boys.  I see them in Madeline's gentle sensitive heart, in the joy on Tucker's face while he plays with Luke's old trains, the hope and excitement in my Dad's soul when he offered Lou's riding saddle to Tucker (Tucker started riding at the same age my brother had), and in the calm, gentle nature of my husband and best friend that reminds me so much of my sweet brother. 

Even though I still struggle and will miss the boys this season, this year I feel comforted.  Like a warm reassuring blanket on my heart and soul.  And for the first time since their loss I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that they are okay and that they are still with me.  And I feel better.

Tucker's first class field trip!

Tucker is in the pre-k 3 class at MDO this year and we got to take Tucker's first ever class field trip this week.  We went to the pumpkin patch! Tucker loved the tractor ride and picking out his own "perfect pumpkin" in the patch.  He has several precious best buddies in his class.  I was telling Tyler last night that I am SO grateful for the friends the kids have here.  And for the parents that those kids have.  And I hope they will still let Tucker be their kids' friend even though lately he tackles them, punches them, kicks them, throws rocks at them, and herds and shoves them towards the scary decorations at the pumpkin patch. :-/