Summer's Gone, Almost

Damn, I'm not even sure where to start. It has been a long time since I last put some thoughts down. I wish I could say that no news is good news, which is often the case with me, but that's not what happened, though things are improving. What a bumpy ride, though.

Today was my first day back volunteering as a recovery aid at the vet clinic. I took some time off shortly before my foot surgery in May, and it took me this long to get to the point where I felt I could handle lifting, walking and being on my feet for the duration of a full shift. It was good I waited because my feet were put to the test this afternoon. I had a moment of concern while taking care of a rather large older and very sweet dog that had dental surgery. Even with two of us lifting and carrying him to his kennel, it was a bit of a challenge. My feet held up, but they are on the sore side now.

After my doctor removed the two neuromas and did what he could for that third nerve that was attached to my joint capsule and to my skin, all in my right foot, I was healing up nicely until I got the stitches removed. An infection set in a few days later, so June ended up being complete hell. I was on three different kinds of antibiotics for the entire month. That led to other complications. Needless to say, the healing process was very much delayed, and I wasn't able to do any PT. As a result, I have a huge wall of scar tissue that needs to be addressed. Also, a metatarsal or two in my left foot decided to drop. I guess the left side was feeling left out of the pain game, so now it's nice and sore, too. As terrible as all of this sounds, I attempted to survive, and despite everything, I'm starting to jog a bit, which feels weird after being on one of those knee scooters for well over a month.

I'm also trying to put on some weight since I lost some throughout June. Between the antibiotics and the painkillers, I felt like shit, so eating was something I often had to force. It seems like this part of the healing process should be easier than it has been now that I'm starting to feel better, but losing weight given my past has a tendency to trigger weird thoughts, even when it's not a relapse. I'm making progress, though, and allowing myself to enjoy going out with friends for meals, which really has been a pleasure. Since I haven't made quite enough of a leap forward, I'm also buying more calorie-dense foods to add to what I'm already eating. Being too rigid is keeping me somewhat stuck, so I'm loosening the reigns and letting go completely from time to time until I can get to a better place mentally. My PT said that gaining weight will help with healing, so I need to be better about my diet. Right now, I'm now I'm more focused on getting enough, but I hope to start working on eating healthier foods, more vegetables and whole foods etc. soon. One step at a time. This road has been pretty damn difficult and painful both emotionally and physically, so I'm trying not to get overwhelmed. I'm human. We all have our struggles and methods of dealing with stress.

I may never run fast again, but I sure am grateful I can run at all at this point. Man, going through hard times sure can shake your confidence, but I'm emerging out of that dark hole and starting to get out in the world again. Somehow, throughout this ordeal, I managed to continue working, writing, and showing up, even when didn't feel like it.

That Only Took Six Years

I haven't been very good about keeping my resolution to write in this blog, but I have been writing at least a little bit elsewhere. For the most part, the writing I'm doing isn't structured. I'm blogging in my cheese review blog, doing a few Yelp reviews and working on a few side projects. Everything with the book I coauthored with Brad and Kevin is a go. It's scheduled to come out in June. You can preorder a copy of "Young Runners at the Top" here: https://www.amazon.com/Young-Runners-Top-Lifestyle-Competitors/dp/1442270683

Overall, things are going relatively well, especially in the work and volunteering departments. Running wise, I was happy to earn a post surgery (x8) PR in a little time trial I did. The last time I ran anywhere close to the time I did (20:25 up NCAR road from the little library on Table Mesa) was in 2011. I didn't time it exactly in 2011, though. I estimated the final outcome based on a glance at my watch before I started and again after I finished, which isn't as accurate as actually starting and stopping a stopwatch, but the two times are close, both under 21 minutes, which is good for me running solo in a slight headwind up a big hill in too much clothing for the nice weather we had over the weekend. I still seem to struggle in the last half of the run. It's more uphill the second half, of course, but that's where I should shine. Instead, I feel like the monkey jumps on my back every time, even when I tell myself, "I'm going to attack the last hill this time." I pass Vassar Drive on the right-hand side in good shape, and GULP! it's still a long way to go from there.

There are times I can't tell if it's more of a heart valve leak situation or a lack of fitness situation when my breathing gets off kilter. My solution so far has been to back off slightly and ease back into a faster pace when I feel more on top of things. For the last five minutes of this timed run, though, all I was doing was trying to put on foot in front of the other and move in any kind of a forward motion. Toward the end, I thought anything under 21 minutes had slipped away, so I was pleased to see my watch at 20:25 when I got to the top.

Apparently, I ran hard, because a woman told me I looked pale and asked if I was OK when I stopped. Another lady on a bike coming up the road asked if I was OK when I decided to retie my shoe on my cooldown run down the big hill. I thanked them both for their concern and their kindness. I don't think either was interested in my petite accomplishment, so I kept that to myself. Everyone was super nice that day, and it made me smile and put an extra spring in my step. I love days like that, even if they end in cramps and an unexpected shedding of my female parts in what has become a bimonthly affair. Big picture. 

I attribute my improvement, even if it's slight, to working with some really great physical therapists in town. Three, in particular, have given me big pieces of the puzzle, keys to the mystery that is my wonky body. That, and I'm actually doing the therapy, the homework part of it, which isn't easy. Sometimes these exercises and stretches haunt me, but I'm working it all out. Running is something that's starting to feel better, and it's almost like a long-lost friend has reentered my life. I'm far from 100 percent, though. My hips still click and catch. When the band (possibly the iliopsoas?) on my right side snaps and moves in the middle of a run, it's unsettling, downright scary even, but it's more noisy and uncomfortable than outright painful. The left is silent but occasionally shoots pain and still feels weak. My feet are also a bit of a mess and often painful, and my endometriosis still rears its ugly head. But there are times I feel really fucking good, all things considered. Within the confines of what my body can handle at this time, I'm doing well. That's why this next surgery is much harder to take than those I have faced in the past when I was in too much pain to do much of anything. 

Yes, I'm headed in for my 9th foot surgery at the end of the month. I have a cyst in my left foot. It's unpleasant. I now run (and walk) with a big, felt doughnut around the bump to keep the pressure off, which helps. Still, the thing sits on the top of my foot looking like an alien waiting to burst through the skin. It's distressing and often painful. I'm also considering one last surgery on the right foot to see if the doc can get my second toe back in alignment. Right now, the joint is dislocated. I keep thinking an amputation would solve this problem and know there are people who have had this done, but there's a chance that lengthening the top tendon once more could provide some relief. I'm hesitant, though. It's a big surgery with a long recovery time and not a guarantee that the toe would slide back into a better position. It's a lot to think about.

And some good news regarding the fire west of Boulder that occurred on Sunday. Though none of the neighborhoods in the city had to evacuate and only one small area near 4th and Mapleton was on notice, areas west of us did evacuate but were allowed back today. Fortunately, no structures were lost. Unfortunately, 76 acres burned:  http://www.kktv.com/content/news/Fire-west-of-Boulder-forces-evacuations-416545863.html

Do I Detect Some Fitness in There?

I want to write a very quick race report while it's still fresh in my mind.

Saturday morning, I ran the Panicking Poultry 5K out at the reservoir. It was freezing out! I'm someone who prefers hot to cold, but even those who like the cooler temperatures were looking uncomfortable. I will admit that the cold affects my heart valve leak and drops a dose of anxiety into my system. A few times during the race, I placed my thick wool gloves over my mouth to try to make the air feel warmer and calm myself down. Despite the nerves and the cold, it turned out to be a fun race, and I think I sensed some fitness in me somewhere.

Since I haven't been training for anything in particular, more just getting used to running again, I'm definitely lacking confidence. I'm not sure when and how to push myself in races. That's partly a mental thing and partly a physical one. Making sure I stay within what my wobbly and mechanically challenged body can handle is my top priority right now. I'm doing a pretty good job of running without getting to a point where I am crippled the next day like I have done in the past. Everything is more of a tempo run, but I can still push it on some level. I hope I can eventually push it without worrying so much about this twinge or that ache. The more I work on overall strength, the more I feel like I'm getting there.

I ended up running 23:39, but my chip time was a little bit faster, which is great news to me. I'm oddly very happy about my performance, because after a total of eight (yes eight!) surgeries shared between my two feet in the last bunch of years, there were times I thought I might not even walk again without pain. Neither the pain nor the issues are completely gone, of course, but I'm managing things as well as I can and am thrilled to be able to run at all at this point.

Don't look if you're easily grossed out:

Shortly after the surgery on my right foot

I'm not flipping you off; I just can't bend my toe.

It's not perfect, but they work.

Pain

I've decided that if people can't be civil and have to hurl insults instead of being able to have an adult conversation, I won't engage. This comes after some lady stooped to low levels on Twitter when I voiced an opinion. I don't remember her name, Abby or Jamie or something. I had never heard of her before a friend of mine tweeted something about her. The lady is a pro-life advocate. The story goes that after she had two abortions, she decided she wanted to tell everyone else they shouldn't have one. That in itself is fine, but I fully believe in freedom of choice. What seems to get lost on people is that saying that doesn't make me pro abortion. 

I have friends who are pro-life and believe in God, and we get along just fine. There's a mutual respect that seems to be lacking when it comes to some hardcore pro-life supporters. 

Anyway, when someone throws out stupid, stupid comment or any other insult or personal attack, I shut the conversation down. It's weird to me that someone who claims to be all about God feels like it's OK to stoop to this kind of level. The whole angry, in your face, aggressive, put words in your mouth style of arguing is upsetting to me, and I would rather do something productive instead of get into it with someone who makes assumptions, doesn't fully read what his or her opponent writes, and can't help but be mean. I will defend myself, but at some point a line must be drawn.

When this lady asked me something about whether or not I believe alcoholics should be able to talk about their experiences or some such nonsense (well, it's really just unrelated, not actual nonsense), I had a feeling things were going to get wacky fast, and they did. No, that's not what I was saying when I simply noted that I think people should be able to choose and find it odd that someone who had the luxury and freedom to do so would want to get involved with and influence someone else's personal choice. Getting abortions and drinking alcohol are not remotely close in terms of anything, really, except they are both legal.

Lately, I've witnessed a lot of crazy internet stuff, from stalkers to trolls to wars of words. I don't even like seeing it. I feel better when I'm helping others. This last thing on Twitter was a good reminder that I need to stay focused on building up those who need help and ignore unkind people I've never met who want to tear others down. I can't believe that makes people feel good.

Enough on that.

Things are improving with my feet, but it has been somewhat slow going. I'm in a better space than when I wrote what follows, but I still need some time to heal. I'm getting answers and seeing both my PT and my doc about the nerve issues.

*******************************************************************

When dealing with pain, it's important to stay one step ahead of it, so I have been told. Unfortunately, I'm the type that seems to get three steps behind before I even recognize how bad it is. Plus, nerve pain is tricky to deal with. The sensations range from burning, pins and needles and numbness to stabbing, throbbing blasts of misery that make you want to scream. With nerve pain, it messes up your brain. It's fatiguing, distracting and flat out uncomfortable. I feel like I must look like Bill the cat, because I'm fried from having to deal with all this discomfort.

I learned recently that being susceptible to nerve issues can be genetic. I believe it, because otherwise it would be a strange coincidence that I would develop similar nerve-related issues every time I have an operation on my feet. You might have guessed by now that I'm dealing with more nerve issues than I started with, this time in both feet. Pain aside, my life is going well, especially in terms of my job, which I love and know how lucky I am to have.

The surgeries:

On my left foot, the goal was to decrease the pain I was having with some nerves that were trapped in scar tissue by cutting a section of the nerves higher up on my foot. The surgery went fine, but I ended up having phantom pain when the severed nerve endings kept active. Phantom pain sounds like it's not real pain, but I can assure you that it is. It feels exactly like the nerves are still intact, because they still fire and send signals to the brain. On top of that, I developed more scar tissue from the new incision, and that made for even more trouble. That should all calm down at some point.

The right foot was more complicated, and the result has been far more distressing. My doctor did a tendon release, so that my second toe would go back into its normal position. It was getting a little too friendly with my big toe. Post-op healing was coming along very nicely until about a week ago when all of a sudden, a big ball of scar tissue developed that trapped yet another nerve. In addition, the toe pad tear isn't fixed, which wasn't going to be a problem had the nerve and scar tissue situations not developed. The combination of everything has made it such that I'm developing a hammer toe, and I'm in an incredible amount of pain. My PT helped relieve some of the scar tissue/nerve pain with Graston, though, so I'm grateful for that. I'm just trying to get through each day without giving in too much to the demons in my head.

 My doctor and PT have been great. I'm very happy with both. I still think my doc is one of the best podiatrists in this area. In addition to the genetic component I'm dealing with, there's also the structure of my feet to consider and the healing process in general, which is different for everyone. My healing didn't go as planned this time, even though I was careful about not doing too much too soon. Shit happens, as they say, but I'm managing. I'm present and aware, and I'm working on staying that way.

************************************************************

Since I wrote that, I got a shot of cortisone and some PT and a tape job that has helped relieve some of the super sharp pain, so things are going more smoothly. 

I still have hope, and that's a good thing.