Sunday, April 10, 2011

Cat Land...

Spring break 2011 sure flew by!!! We'd planned to go to the beach and possibly the zoo, up in Santa Barbara. However, we ran into cold and rainy days... not very beachy!! So I logged on to see what else we might be able to do... found two big cat rescues relatively close. Shambala is one that has TONS of cats!! They even have a Liger- which I really have always wanted to see (thank you National Geographic for peaking my interest there!!). Problem... to enter Shambala (which is not cheap, about $40/person) you have to be 18 years old or older. Matthew and I have that totally covered! ... not so much the kids. So we opted for the smaller rescue that touted having 80 or so cats. It's just the other side of Palmdale/Lancaster, so not a bad drive at all. And the kids were really excited. Here is a black jaguar. He was sure anxious about something. He seemed tense and ready to pounce, as he paced this side of the enclosure... I don't know what was on the other side (nothing we could SEE) but certainly there was something that he knew was there and wanted. Interesting thing about this guy, in the sun you can see his spots! I'll have to google jaguars and be sure he wasn't some kind of black leopard. Jocilyn got a better pic with the smaller camera, it was really cool, there was a reddish tint and he definitely had a spotted coat. I was thankful he was behind the cage because he really wasn't very happy about something.
I know you can't see this guys face... but it just shows what a gorgeous coat these guys and gals have. It was really cool to be so close to them also. It isn't a zoo, so there aren't the same requirements about distance between visitors and animals. We were about 4-5 feet from each of these cats.
Anna and Zach are the cougars on the property. Here is Anna, she was just pacing back and forth. Maesyn just kept calling her a Puma (which is also correct)... "scary pew-ma!" (phonetically) she loves her Diego animal adventures and she really loved these cats.
This is a serval cat. They are sure tiny in comparison to most of the others on the property. I liked this one because a couple of years ago I helped Jocilyn with a report on this cat.... very, very, pretty. I remember reading that some people have domesticated them (as with larger cats I think this isn't easy) but this one I could see just walking around the house- petite little thing! (about the size of a medium dog)
There were several peacocks just roaming around. In fact, when we first entered we saw one on top of the vending machines and two more on the roof! DANG!!! These guys are LOUD! Apparently they are always in "mating season"... or at least they were when we were there.
Their colors are so vibrant... the pictures are amazing, but still don't quite do them justice.
Poor girl... this is a "Pea-hen"... not a "Pea-cock"... why are the little girlie birds so lack luster in comparison to their male counter parts?
The wind was blowing and their plumage just follows!


These two males were duking it out! It was cool to watch them try to one up each other...
This is the smallest cat at the rescue. He's called a "Fisher Cat." I'm serious when I tell you that this one looks like one you'd see on someones couch!! But no... they eat small cows and other fairly large prey... he'd probably shred a couch!
This one put on a little show for us. He/she posed and pranced... here we got to see a little glimpse of those teeth that you wouldn't like to get much closer to!


They have tigers also. We could make them out in the cages at the rear of the property, but their "visitor friendly (safe)" enclosure is under construction. So we'll have to wait until next time to see those big cats. The girls, Matthew and I all enjoyed it a lot. Great little find... and for a $3 admission? Seriously? That's awesome!! Spring break went too fast... but ended on a great note.... (cue purring noises!)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The way you do the things you do...

Jocilyn- I love the way you love your sisters! I love that you have a desire to make good choices and set a good example. You are my oldest baby, and I know sometimes I'm hard on you... but you take it in stride... usually. You are officially 9 1/2 as of my birthday.... how did you get to be so old? Hod did I get to be so old!?!?!? You have a zest for life. Where you use to love just being home with me, you are now finding that friends and play dates/study dates are FAR more fun! You are such a little hippie, you love peace signs and all things 70's and "girl power!"(although I don't know if you even know it was the 70's that you love!). You love to help me. You come into the kitchen and want to help cook, clean, set the table... but only on your terms... not always when asked. You are probably quite "normal" as far as almost 10 year olds go, you have quite a big attitude and sometimes it gets the better of you. I never understood what my mom meant by the "looks" I'd give her... well, I do now. You are often told to "fix your face." But the thing is this, I know it isn't you! I know that you are my girl who reminds the family that it's time for scripture study... you are the girl who says, "mom, I'll help Kenna w/ her homework today..." you are my girl who still has bad dreams and comes to snuggle with me in the middle of the night. I love to hear you laugh and play with your sisters. Right now (as I type) I can hear you making silly noises at Maesyn in the bath... You've been such a trooper through the move from Idaho to California. Most days you're good with it, but then there are the days when you feel angry that you had to leave your grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends... you are a much loved girl~ and I"m so thrilled that I get to be your mom!!!

McKenna~ Oh my girl! You are so sweet! I love the size of your heart, you love so big. You are also a big help around the house. You can't wait to be 8, to get baptized and have your own "big" set of scriptures. You have started participating in family Scriptures by reading several verses, and I must say, I am impressed with your diligence in trying to sound out the big and strange words. You said to me the other day, "Mom, you know how I didn't want to go to first grade again? ... well, now I think it's ok, because I kinda know what work to expect." You are doing great this time! I think you were just a bit young last year- but you're on a roll now kiddo... just keep working at it and never give up. You are a tenacious little 7 year old- I doubt there is much that you could not do. The other morning we were late getting up for school (it was on purpose because Jocilyn had literally NOT slept the night before, so I was letting her sleep a bit and then ya'll went to school late) but you were so cute, you came bursting into my room and said, "MOM! We're late! It's so light outside, you forgot to wake us up!!" You keep me on track, don't you? Since moving, we've started calling GM's and GP's every Sunday night. You are the first kiddo on the phone and you disappear into your room for a long time, until finally you emerge and it's someone elses turn. Now that GM and GP Slade are on their mission, we'll have to call them much earlier in the day, or you'll keep them up past curfew with your lengthy convo!!! When you get something in your head you are like a dog with a bone! This week you have been hounding me for a little bag that will hold your scriptures. I told you that I was certain I didn't' have one that size. You then went and found a travel cosmetic bag that would be "perfect!" and all I've heard since is, "mom have you cleaned it out?..... mom, I don't want to make you mad, but did you do it yet? ummmm, mom, did you forget about the bag for me?" OH MY GOODNESS CHILD! Just go and do it!!! So you did, tonight you returned and reported that it fits 2 books of Mormon, my mini quad, and some other thing you put in there.... you're amazing. You hate, HATE your freckles... that's another thing you are hung up about right now. Also, you save money like nobody I know... but it also burns a hole in those little pockets of yours... I think you are like me- you like to know the money is there, spending it hurts a little, and so you really think before you buy... and that's ok. This week you made Jocilyn "earn" $3 from you for a book order... you paid her to get off the TV and play games with you.... you love your sister. Usually you two are best friends, but when you argue you do it up right! (I hate when you do that!) One more thing about my 7 1/2 year old... I think you are destined to be a dentist. You go after loose teeth like a bounty hunter after ... who knows what! Whenever you have a loose tooth you disappear into the bathroom for hours- not kidding.... later I find tons of little tissues and bowls/cups of water that you were using to methodically loosen and pull your teeth... then you put in your order for what color of pixie dust you want and wait for it to magically appear with $$$$... you are so fun- you make my life colorful and happy~ I just love your guts!

Maesyn- You are taking your role as a 2 year old very seriously... you're so good at it! You're the most adorable little monkey one minute and the next I'm yelling, "we don't bite/pinch!!" I have to make sure you are de-clawed on a daily basis because you're ridiculously mean with them. You say the cutest things... some of them I remember your sisters saying, sweet little things like, "hold you?" meaning of course that you want to be held, we love that. You also have taken to calling me "wee-hah" which means "sweetheart"... tonight I was moving clothes from the washer to the dryer and you sat on the floor and said, "good job, swee-hah... good job." You're my little cheerleader. You also call me "honey"... it's cute because you pause before you say it... for example you'll say, "I love you..... honey." For the last couple of weeks you mimic your dad and I... you have heard us say to each other, "I love you too much!" so now, you say (to any member of the family) "I love you...... tooooo much!" It's about the sweetest thing I could ever hear. You are sure a busy little bee... I have to keep the gate up to the kitchen because you've learned how to maneuver yourself into dangerous positions and into things you shouldn't be into. A few weeks ago- actually i think it was before Christmas, you turned the stove on.... we left the house and came back and the whole place smelled of gas... I could NOT figure it out... lo and behold- the knobs were turned... oh child. You love music... I swear you would dance to the beat of a dime in the dryer! You twirl yourself dizzy, stand on your head and put your hands behind your back (that one is pretty odd looking to tell you the truth!)... and boy how you love your sisters. A couple of nights ago all three of you were in the tub. I came in to wash hair and the scene was like something out of a mobster movie- and you were the "Boss!" You had a sister on either side of you and between them you stood. I said, "sit down." You looked at me for a split second and then seriously laughed your head off... it set your sisters in motion, so then every time you thought that something was funny, they would be your support laughers..... it was pretty cute... your shoulders just shook you were laughing so hard. You love, love nursery. Anytime you can go the church you are happy to be there, whether for church or with me to the office... you love it. I think you inherited some of the "gypsy" blood from my side of the family- you are always asking to go bye-bye... you got the wrong mom for that! You love getting sisters from school and daddy from the train. During our hours home in the day you are asking me every 5 minutes one of these two questions, "mommy, daddy come back?" or, "mommy, sisters come back?" you're satisfied once I tell you that yes, they are coming back after work/school... you love your family- and I just don't think we could love you any more- you tickle our innards... can't imagine life w/o you little one, thanks for comin' to our party!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

seems like a minute ago...

Today, as I sat waiting for Jocilyn after school, I started feeling a little lost. I called my mom, she can usually "find" me. However, today she and dad had just arrived in Indianapolis, IN and were looking for a place to live while on this mission- I quickly let her off the phone, because as everyone knows, Slade's frequently need more navigation than others in strange new places!!! (lots of great memories of being lost in "downtown" (that is to be said with a heavy Asian accent) lost in DC, Boston, Philly, Kansas City... you name it, we've found the ghetto of it!!) ..... (that section had entirely too many parenthesis... I do not follow the normal rules of grammar... in case you're "new" to me... ;-)) ... see? there I went again, whoops....

Anyway, so my mom was not going to be able to help me find myself this time... so as I continued to sit, I thought, "I feel quite isolated.... kind of alone... and really quite sad... why?" So I began to count my blessings, and the first one was that I am at least "isolated" with my husband and kids... so I sent Matthew a text simply saying, "I'm so glad you are here with me..." He very quickly called back and asked who was "there" with me (hahaha!) I just explained to him that there is no way I could be here, so far from family, without him. ... He pointed out that he is the reason that I am here in the first place- he was not following my "lostness."

It seems like yesterday that Matthew came home from work and asked me, "Hypothetically speaking, what do you think about Southern California?" I thought for a moment and told him that it was a lovely place to visit. Quickly he told me that he just wondered what I would say, it just so happened that the Director of the Burbank center was stepping down... hmmm... I then told him, "I'm sure if you expressed an interest in the position they would take you in an instant!" He said, "Naw..."

2 days later he came home and asked if I remembered what I'd said about the position being his if he wanted it... and now, here we are, living in Valencia, California... We fasted about it, and prayed about it..... we came out here at least 4-6 times looking for housing and finding the area we felt "right" about. In the whole transition there were 2 things that were in our every prayer: 1- please lead us to the right ward..... 2- please help us "land" in the right school ...

Prayers are answered. We are in such a great ward. I don't know if it is because we are having to "put ourselves out there" a little bit more since we have no other family out here... or if the ward is just that amazing (I think it's a combination of the two)... and the school is terriffic. McKenna is in 1st grade and I adore her teacher. I know I've posted about that before, but I am ever grateful for good teachers for my kids.

There have been a few decisions in my life where my mom "warned" me that I would need to know that I'd received an answer from Heavenly Father so that in difficult times I could look back and say, "I am where I need to be... He led me here in answer to prayer..." This is one of those times.

I feel this entry is quite scatter-brained- but we had a great holiday season. It started with Lynn and Jake coming out for the week of Halloween... we were able to spend some great time with them and loved every minute that they were here. We knew that in November we would see the Chesleys... and we did!! They came and stayed with us for about a week. We all cozied in to our 3 bedroom apt and had ourselves a right good time!!! I loved every minute- at their parting I felt eased by my knowledge that I would see them and my parents in December when we would travel back to Idaho for Christmas.... which we did. Again, the time was full of family and friends, Marie Rich even made an appearance for several days!!! It was wonderful and I should have "soaked up" more of it... because I'm already "out" and I miss my family. I think I could handle all of those other times because I had an idea of when I'd see one, or all, of them again... this time I do not know when I'll see them again. Mom and dad, are of course, gone for a year on their 2nd mission- I'm so proud of them- but I miss them and am selfish in that i want them here for me.....I am a selfish girl.

I'm a girl... no, I think I have to say that I am a woman. Although that is the strangest concept to me... I will be 37 this month... 37... I sure thought I would have it "together" by now! ... but I do not. I still think to myself, "someday, when I grow up, I'll __________, or I'll have __________, or I'll do ___________, or I'll know _________.... or at the very least I'll be better about ___________. Well, 37 is here... and I'm not, I don't, I can't, and I still need to ________________ better, more often, less selfishly, more diligently, etc, etc...... I don't know when a person ever figures out life, if one who reads this has done it, please, comment... I'd love to know what you know! But until then, I'm going to end my rantings for the night and let you stop (if you haven't already) looking for the point to this whole entry.

But to first finish what I started... it seems like only a minute ago that:
-I chased after my brother wielding a jump rope... hoping to land one good shot...
-I turned my little blonde sister's hair green... I don't even remember what we were going for!
-I babysat for the Pickup's and watched "Hunter" on TV every Friday night, followed by Cheers
if they were late...
-I stepped on my first airplane, it was PSA, and I was traveling with my Grandma Coy and
Grandpa Cub to San Francisco to see my Aunt Kathy and her family...
-I bought my first car
- wrecked my first car (actually those are in reverse order, I wrecked the car mom and dad gave
me and so I HAD to buy the next one!
-I could eat like crud, and not have it permanently affix itself to my body...
-I married my sweetheart
- I had my first child
-I had my 2nd child
-I lost my first child
-We decided to leave AZ for ID with great ambition to start our own business (w/ Travis & Marie)
-We were real "up-and-comers" in the fencing biz... go big, or don't go.....
-We went big
-I lost my 2nd child
-We lost big in business when we weren't paid for work we'd done...
-My in-laws lived with us for a year...
-I had my 3rd child, my 3rd of 3 beautiful girls, wonderful blessings, great responsibilities
-Matthew asked me what I thought of So. Cal...
-i judged women for being a g-5/p-2 ... why wouldn't they "want" the other 2? why weren't
they careful... I was so naive...
-I passed the N-CLEX and became an RN... it's just now 15 years... I never would've imagined
-my babies were all babies... still cooing, and nursing... still learning that their fingers and toes
belonged to them... still sleeping close to my heart in my bed...
- so many things seem like just a minute ago... a million of them have run through my mind since I started writing this entry... "just a minute ago..."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

the "oses"

So a couple of things I don't want to forget that my kids are saying.

Maesyn's latest is, "What is that?" very enunciated when she does it, and she wants to know what EVERYTHING is.... also, "Shut the door!"... this one is random, at our house it isn't uncommon for the kids to hear Matthew and I argue over who loves who more. So, the other day when Maesyn was sick, she says to me, "mom, I love you too much."

McKenna- So a Lactaid Milk commercial came on and she and Jocilyn asked, "what is that for?" So I explained that Lactose is a sugar found in dairy products and some people have a really hard time digesting them. I went on to teach them that if they hear "ose" at the end of a word, ie: fructose, glucose, sucrose, etc... it was a sugar. My McKenna said, "OHHHHHH I LOVE the 'oses!!!'"

Jocilyn has her first Band concert tonight. She practiced for the first time yesterday with the whole band, up to this point she's only been with the flutes. She is quite worried about how this performance will go- I told her, "honey, do you know that mom still gets nervous when she sings? sometimes nerves help you perform better." She said, "yeah, but it isn't your first time." I reminded her that ONE time it WAS my first time... this morning she asked me if I was alive in the 1920's..... last week she wondered if I was alive in the 1800's..... hmmm, how old does she think I am! Kids are so fun... they entertain me!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Infor-maesyn overload (cont'd)

Chronologically speaking, these are in reverse order. About 2 weeks ago, Maesyn would only wear one sock. It was either purple w/ stripes, or this pink one with stripes (the purple one was on the opposite foot all day Saturday) Then Sunday came and she actually went to church this way! When Matthew picked her up from nursery, they were like, "ummmm, we think she only had one sock to begin with." Little funny girl!
This was our first trip to the beach out here. We are about an hour from Ventura Beach, which was nice and we really had a great family day out there. Maesyn just loved being able to walk around, tear down sand castles, dig holes, and just chill- as you see here! This was in August 2010.

Here she is, our own demolition crew...


Shoulda brought a book, I bet that's what she's thinking...

Maesyn LOVES her bath! She would bathe 20 times a day if I let her. I had to coerce her out of the tub, and then she sat in this basket for another ever.....

Anytime I'm in the bathroom, for whatever reason, to use it, to put make up on, to do my hair, whatever.... she comes in with me and does this. She just likes to be in the tub.

Here she's heading to the school to pick up Kenna. We're in CA now, she has to fit in, right?

Our furniture arrived about a week after we did. So there was lots of room to run and play. Here the girls are off to school (sometime in the first week) and they are standing in the dining room... Maesyn just loves to be with her sisters, no matter what they are doing... she wants to be just like them- hope they set a good example for the little squirt!

This is indeed the very first day of school. I don't think Mae had any inkling that she was going to be left alone all day with mom. She scrunches her little face like this a lot! So this pic was taken Aug. 12, 2010

I believe this was a day or two before we "pulled out" of Idaho. We had left our house and stayed the last couple-three nights at my parents (they were in Sweden- so we had the run of the place) Aunt Marie came over and gave the moochie a squish!

This was the Sunday before we left Idaho. We went over to some friends house, Holly and Troy Behunin (sp?) for enchiladas. It was a yummy dinner and fun "hang out" before we said our, "see ya laters!" Maesyn actually got that swing going fairly well once we gave her a start, it was impressive.

Okay, this one is back in Idaho, at the Havencrest house. We thought she was so cute playing on the computer... we realized it wasn't very cute when we found a virus. The kid is a genius- she downloaded a virus. It had been left open in YouTube and so who knows what she clicked on, but we had a computer friend take a look and he said it was a real doozy. Luckily, Matthew was able to repair it after several days and much hair pulling... we keep the keyboard away from her as much as possible these days!!! So that was probably June/July 2010.

Here's Grandma Dianne!!! Marie and I drove the Rhino in the little Star parade. The bigger kids rode in or on it and threw candy. Dallin and Maesyn watched w/ GM and watched... love that Grandma!
This was again in Idaho (I can tell that just from the remote she's holding! We don't have any cable or satellite service here in CA) This is just such a typical Maesyn pose... it had to be added!!

Laundry anyone? She discovered the dryer... and isn't that fun? I miss MY dryer... I miss my washer, and my fridge!!! Renting an apartment isn't bad, but I miss my nicer appliances- what a spoiled whiner am I? ...sorry.
Havencrest house stairs. All of the girls just sitting and chillin' not exactly certain when it was, but I do know it was summer 2010.

McKenna got a little swimming pool for her birthday. We played in it several days through the summer and the kids loved it! Here I think she had just slipped and fallen into the water and the look on her face says, "whoa! that's cold!!"
Before we ever filled the pool the girls had a blast with it inside the house. I have fun pictures of them cannon-balling in- caught in mid air (fully clothed, mind you) they sat on the outer rings and bounced on the airy cushions, and they trapped Maesyn in like a burrito several times- who knew a pool could be so much fun inside? I didn't, but it was so fun to watch my little cuties!!
When Maesyn is tired, she's just tired. I love that she sleeps with this blanket- it was mine as a baby and I still love the texture and warmth of it. I've patched up tears and repaired the ruffle, and she loves her blanket. She actually loves almost any blanket if she's in the mood... two ways to tell she's tired, she plays with her hair, and she lays down her head where ever she is!
She calls her pacifier a "beep," which we love around here. I know it is time to take it away, I know it is... here she is probably about 18 mos old, I always ask her to take out her beep for pictures, but she won't... you can see the silicone stretching here as Matthew trys to pry it from her mouth... she's probably going to be the only college student w/ a beep... my bad...

I may have posted this picture before... not sure, maybe that was on Face Book.. who knows... anyway, this was her most favorite drawer in the Havencrest kitchen... she loved to empty it's contents and crawl in... such a funny monkey. There was also a cupboard that she liked to hide in as well. I had drawers and cupboards that I did not use in both houses in Star... she'd be hard pressed to fit into anything like that here in the apartment! They're all occupied to the brim!


I just loved this outfit. And I think this was the only day that she left the headband alone!!! She's about 15 months here and just a happy baby who loves life.

She also adores her sisters, as I've mentioned. I had just been video taping the three of them dancing around like crazies before I took this still shot. I love that my kids get along with one another (most of the time) I sure hope that carries through teenage years... I know it's wishful thinking, but this world is so messed up, they would do well to remain allies and friends- at least they would know that's one thing they could count on to be true (friend wise)... we'll see.

Genius, I tell you, pure genius!! She later ripped both arms off that pair of glasses... I really need to go get new ones, I'm down to one
pair that I guard with my life!!!
My mom had a RS function that required balloons- so Maesyn went with me to pick them up and deliver them- to this day, she LOVES "Boons"... so she was excited when leftover balloons came to our house. I thought I'd downloaded a pic of her carrying them outside, it's a darling pic, but instead I ended up with two of these- oh well- these stayed afloat for many, many days- I don't know what Albertson's did to them, but they were like super-fied "boons"... I finally had to kill them... but she was such a joy to watch when she played with them. Actually, at that time she called them "balls." So she was always asking for balls from the ceiling! NOW she calls them boons...
Well, dang... I know uploaded pics of her first b-day and from even before that...I don't know where they went... this is why I stopped blogging- it is so frustrating with the pics!!! Anyway- at least here are some newer ones of Maesyn, she'll be 2 next week whether we like it or not... and for the record, I do NOT like it, not one tiny bit...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Meet Maesyn

This is a work in progress... twice now the other photos have "failed to download... " But at least here are a few pics I don't think I've yet shared!
I think the top one was Winter 09', she wasn't quite walking.
The 2nd one, was late summer 09'... she was a busy, happy girl!


This one was taken in Aug of 09'. I know this because we were at a family reunion, when Matthew had to bring me into "town" (Mountain Home) for the worst UTI ever!!! and she came with us. My dad always got such a kick out of her when she would hold her bottle with her feet... too funny.

This chub is just out of the tub! These pics are backwards chronologically. Here I'd say was probably summer 09'






This one was May of 09' getting ready for a twirling competition... lol....



And this was her Easter dress in April of 09'
The following script was meant to go at the top of this post... it didn't end up quite like that... oh well, it's midnight and i'm pooped.... more later.


Now, I know that you know she is here. I know that you know her name. I know that you have, no doubt, heard stories about her. But I have not been good about blogging for the last 24 months! That's right folks... she will be 2 in 4 days! ... and I'm mourning it so... (not so much as to have another, don't get crazy) But this is very hard for me! So, here are going to be a ton of pics of this girl, our little "mossy poppet," our "moochie," the "mae-berry," or, the girls call her "Pooka," and she turns back to them and says, "hi, Pooka." She is darling. She has brought a spirit into our home, and a real joy... oh, and she is the most spoiled child you'll ever meet! She gets anything she wants, if she's crying, I say to the kids, "what does she want? Give it to her, stop the crying"... this kid could get away with murder... and probably will, but she'll have to be sure not to leave her "beep" (pacifier) at the scene or she'll be busted... I'm going to try and pull in a smattering of pictures from the last 2 years- there are a lot on the other computer that isn't set up, so we'll see how we do off of this one. I don't know if you read my "worst mom ever" post (hopefully most of ya'll skipped that one) but this child has not had an actual, professional photo taken since she was a newborn in her blessing dress... I know, bad mommy... I get it, I know it... I'm sorry for it... but here are a few I could find... enjoy the mooch...

I'm the best!

... at being worst! i so feel like a failure today. You know the picture of the defeated knight, his lance all bent and broken, with a caption that says, "Some days the dragon wins..." Well, today the dragon kicked my *&&... and when he was through with me, I continued to wallow in a pool of hot, sticky, gooey, quick-sand of self loathing... I'm good at this- extraordinarily good at this, if I can toot my horn a little bit, here's where there'd be a big ol' HHHOOOOONNNNNKKK! I SUCK!!! okay, end rant on self loathing and dismal failure in all areas of life today.... tomorrow is another day, and it will go better... it has to, doesn't it? Oh, please say it does...

I so enjoy reading other blogs. They make me laugh, cry, giggle, clap, etc. Sometimes they are the inspiration I need to be better, to try something different, just to go and do and do and do, and not stop doing... but tonight I read one and thought, "k, that's it... I am officially the worlds worst mom... ever... "

Continuing on with this self pitty and whoa is me-ness... can I tell you about my emotional constipation issue? There is no "cry-a tive" like there are laxatives... I need a good cry! I need to bellow and snort, choke and sob, I need to have a bone rattling, sore the next day, can't breathe through my nose, bloodshot eyes, not sure you'll ever run out of tears, sob fest... "Why would anyone want to have one of those?" you ask? Clearly you've never experienced the catharsis that comes at the end of said sob... that's what I need my friend, that cathartic cry, where at the end of it all you sleep and then wake feeling awful, with that post cry headache, and yet, somehow renewed and ready to rise up and try again... my cryer is broke.... I teared up a plenty today, but no cry...

I'm a mean mom. I've officially threatened to cancel Christmas if my kids do not keep their room clean for the next 2 weeks.... is that bad? I'd have to follow through, right? I mean, I told them that we'd just pack up and head to Idaho and see what everyone else got and be happy for them that they got Christmas... and then remember to keep our rooms clean so that we can have it next year.... harsh? kinda...

I think today was just a culmination of that "I'm the mom who is every ones maid, doctor, nurse, cook, launderer, cleaner, wiper, washer, shopper, etc, etc..." you get it, you no doubt have days when you feel it! I know I'm not alone here, but I feel completely deflated tonight. I let my kids beat me... and then I turned around (because I'm bigger, and I'm suppose to be the boss) and I was mean, and yelly, and grumpy, and a bit cutting- that's when I really dislike my quick and biting wit... it is never Christlike... and it is the worst thing I can allow myself to do to my kids... to say mean things- they are too important for me to do that...

Alas, today is over. Tomorrow is a new day. It is another day that I get to spend in its entirety with my kids- they are off school. I hope that there will be giggles, and games, cuddling and shopping, helping and kindness... and mutual respect... it will be a better day, I will make it so, and then I won't feel quite so broken... I hope.

About Us

Tuvalu
Matthew and Patricia have been married 9 years in December 07'. We have 2 beautiful girls Jocilyn (6) and McKenna (4). Please enjoy our bloggity!