Eli Turns 17

Eli is in a stage of "lasts" at home, and he likes to remind me. "But Mom, it's my last summer!" (Which it's not, you have a summer after high school graduation!)
But we can't help but think: Man, how can we budget in a family vacation and a senior trip with him before he grows up?  Still trying to figure that out.
 It's sad, but also great, to see him heading into his senior year of high school, and to see him maturing and growing and doing so many good things for now, and for his future.
He's has a great, encouraging group of friends from about the moment we landed here. I am forever thankful for that.
I've noticed him developing spiritually this past year especially, he has a desire to know more, understand better, figure out what it all means.  Ever since he received his patriarchal blessing, he's taken things more seriously and been more thoughtful about that side of himself. I love it, of course.  No one will talk spiritual stuff with me around here. He sometimes will.

He is a gem of a person, people seem to be drawn to him wherever he goes. He isn't particularly outgoing or chatty, he just has a certain way, a goodness, a sense of humor, a light to him, and people notice and want to be with him (except maybe Dash, they don't get along amazingly well at the moment). 
He is just over 6' 3", we're wondering if that's it, or if he'll eke out a bit more before he finishes. He seems like a walking beanstalk around our house. It's a constant source of joking and fun, and really some admiration. Like wow, you really rocked that growth thing.  
He switched from soccer to tennis last year, liked the sport enough, but really enjoyed the environment, the coach, the kids, etc. I was proud of him for trying something new, and glad it went so well.

He did amazing on his standardized tests, college entrance exams, and AP tests; he's well on his way to scholarships - we hope!  
He talks pretty regularly about serving a mission and is planning and preparing for that in all the ways. I cry just thinking about all the pieces of that, let alone saying goodbyes and sending him off. Eesh. I'm starting to see what a sacrifice missionary service is for the moms as well as these young people. That will hurt, but in the best way I suppose.

Mostly, he's an amazing kid and I feel lucky and thankful to be his mom, to have a front row seat to his life. 

17 roses for 17 yrs
I fell for these, and they seemed manly enough.
They stayed gorgeous all week

He opted for burgers and carrot cake
(burgers not pictured, with it being a Sunday bday we had Louie grill some up)

Beginning of Summer and some getting real

School is out. The last official day of school was May 22 (wow, so early right?), but for Utah high schools that means more like 4 days before. They just stop having the kids go. Why? It is weird and annoying.
Dash's school made it to the 21st at least, but...why have a last day of school you don't even make it to? It doesn't make sense.  Which is my go-to phrase lately. There is so much in life right now that doesn't make sense, I keep finding myself saying "Argh, this doesn't make sense!"   
Look, I understand that not everything is meant to make sense, and our brains really like to make sense of things and have to deal with some of that. But this is more than that. I am struggling with it a bit.

Anyway.
Lately....

Calvin, 21
In April he moved out of a 2bed apartment he was no longer sharing with roommates, and into his own studio apartment in the lovely Capitol Hill area of SLC (a very steep hill). It's pricier than he'd like, and has been disappointing in quality, but he does like the area. He was overwhelmed by the tasks of unpacking and setting it up, along with the baby he could hear crying in the night (noooo). So, knowing he and I clash when we're in stress mode, I sent Louie to help him (so yeah, the two least organized in the family to...organize together).  But after 2 different days, and many hours, Louie helped him get it set up and looking decent.  Phew. I hope that helps him feel better and de-stress.
He is dating a bit here and there, which is nice to hear. Work is going well, they seem to love and appreciate him there. Yay.  He's been playing soccer on a work team that sounds fun.
Calvin is Calvin, He struggles with a lot of things, and is in a lonely phase of life. I have hopes he finds good friends again locally, and that therapy and assessments (and meds) provide more insight and help.
We sure appreciate his sharing his interests and sense of humor and talents with us when he visits, even if he doesn't always see those lovely blossoms of himself in the weeds of the hard stuff.

Milo, 19
Just finished his first year of college! He's getting good grades, and doing well.  He broke up with his girlfriend, which was sad but sounded like the right thing to do. He continues to be super social, and really good at his math tutoring job. He's been promoted twice, and is now helping manage, as well as tutor.
He is a great teacher, and also great with the parents and the organization of things. He's trying to think of a way to incorporate that into his future career.  I'm proud of his growth and the things he's learning about himself. He is energetic and positive and wants to try new things.
Lately he has been wanting to use my kitchen to cook and experiment.  This past weekend I asked if he'd try making Brazilian limeade. He did!  Eli helped. There are some details and ratios to tweak, but it was pretty yummy.  I love reaping the benefits of him wanting to be in the kitchen more.  I say no if it's past 9pm though. Keep your crazy teen-brain hours to yourself! 

Eli, 16
Will be gone Monday through Saturday this week, with one quick night home. He's got a student government retreat in Logan, and a Young Men high adventure right after. (More like a medium adventure, 1.5 days in Arches NP - Louie and Dash are also going to that).
He'll start working at the Skinner fruit stand again in late June. His June is packed!
He's doing well though. Tennis season was really good for him. He liked the sport enough, but really enjoyed the coach and other players the  most, and plans to do it again next year. He's not planning to play soccer in the fall at all, unless he finds a low-key rec situation that he likes. Louie is sad to see him leave soccer behind.  I like the change. He's always wanted to find his own thing, separate from the brothers, and I love that he's branching out and trying new things. And I am forever thankful to his group of friends and the positive peer pressure coming from them.  
He talks about a mission next year. Which breaks my heart, while also making my heart swell with mommy joy. Will my heart survive? Other mothers' have, so I assume yes. I am glad and relieved that one of my kids is growing in his relationship with God and his spiritual-self.  It's fine that the older two have their own paths and journey with all that, and that Dash is not loving church as a 14 yo (hasn't rejected it yet though), and I love them for the good people they are, but it still feels good that Eli hasn't full-on rejected it by the ages the other two had. I see him growing as a person because of it.  Nothing matures you like the Spirit of God, that addition of access to complete knowledge and truth, I can see it enhancing every aspect of his life, even science and math, while also providing comfort, strength, and reassurance. So cool.
Also, he is 6'3". Eesh. He has to bend in half to hug me.

Dash, 14
Soccer. Still doing that and continuing to improve.
He had given up piano for the second year here, but for the past few months he's been self-motivated to sit down and review old songs, finish Fantasie Impromptu (which he did!) and learn some new ones. He loves classical music, especially if its fast/dramatic, or really sad. We love that he's playing again, for fun, for the outlet, for the brain, for the beauty.  Lovely.

Me
Around my April birthday I became fed up with my dumb hair and had Dash cut off my ponytail, then went and trimmed up the sides and layers myself. And you know what? I love it. Super cute. I am a more short-hair girl than a long-hair girl, especially now that it's so thin. (See in the Mother's Day photos a couple posts back.)
I think I gave Dash a core memory. That time Mom made me cut her hair. 
I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's - subclinical. So my thyroid is still kind of okay, but will be "hypo" soon enough. I feel that in my energy, along with all the  hormone stuff. I'm not too concerned about the Hashimoto's, it's not that terrible, except that having one auto-immune can lead to more. So...trying to think about lessening inflammatory foods and stresses and gluten, which is supposed to help a lot, and which I should do anyway, because...duh. Real bodies need real food.

Basically, I am the cliche middle-aged, perimenopausal woman.
If I'm being real, I am quite unhappy in my life, have been for years (6+yrs); it worsened quite a bit after this move.  As a pretty successful problem solver in life, and someone willing to do the personal work to change and reframe things, it's driving me crazy not to be able to quite solve it, & figure out what works.  Much of it I can't control. And some I can. I'm definitely burned out, depleted, life feels like a huge disappointment. Crushingly so. That chronic, unseen emotional pain thing? Yeah, I've got that. Awesome. 
I've pushed myself to try new things, go outside my comfort zone - and it seems to just make me way more stressed and miserable rather than be a healthy shift.  SSRIs are too heavy for me and don't help. Hormone replacement therapy is helpful, thankfully, so I'm doing okay mood and stability-wise. 
There's more to it, but I'll keep it private.  I am prayerfully, and actively working on it, and through it,  it's painful and difficult.  There are windows and glimpses of fun and quality time: short bits of connections with others, laughs with the boys, spiritual insights and sweetness, Marco Polos, etc.
Anyway. Blah. Debbie Downer much? 
I feel I'll be okay at some point and this all works out. I feel it's coming.

Louie
Loves any excuse to travel or go do stuff. So...I think the rest of us bum him out. We like to be home and hang out and chat. He likes to get out of the house and do more active stuff - not like hiking, bur like exploring and fairs and stuff. Sometimes if he tells us in time, we do those. But we haven't for awhile. 
He has some good camaraderie with some guys in the ward, that's been nice for him.
He's gotten a decent amount of outside outlets lately: consultant work in Tampa, FL for his old company, a visit to his sister in TX, YM campouts, and this upcoming high adventure. Possibly a trip to Pittsburgh soon for work.
He is looking for new employment, probably nearby, though we are open to leaving.

"TV raised me and I turned out TV" - Homer Simpson
As a family, we usually end our day by snuggling up together and watching TV.  A little low-brow? Maybe.  But some of us need that to wind down (me and Eli esp), and I like that at least we're all together giggling, and sharing inside jokes and quotes, and sometimes having good discussions about what we watched if it was more real-life.
We watch a bit of the late-night stuff a day late on YouTube: Colbert, Seth Meyers, Jimmy Kimmel. I don't like to get too stuck to those, since they can be pretty negative, but they also help us keep laughing about the scary news and our concerning political scene at the moment.
The boys and I have been watching Lost. Well, mostly Eli and I.  I wanted to try it again in closer succession (not wait 6 years for the disappointing ending), and see if it feel different that way.  Also, I have mostly forgotten it, as with most shows from the baby-having years, so I don't even remember the end. We started it on a vacation to Boise with all 4 boys, but it's whittled down to me and Eli. It's been fun to watch again, mostly. Still too violent, yuck, but a fun story for awhile. And nice to stream it and not old-school wait it out.
Louie refuses to re-watch that one so we do it when he's busy with other stuff.

We finished 30 Rock recently (a bit too naughty at times...but so off-beat and funny, we still made it through).
We finished West Wing. Sigh. Best show of all time.  ALL TIME.
The Simpsons is on a continuous loop since we caught up to current season, and Dash wanted to go back to watch the older ones - he was a tiny kid when we introduced it to the kids, and doesn't remember earlier seasons (the prime ones).
We're in the middle of Community. The boys love it. I like it okay. It does make us laugh a lot.
I made them watch the French film: Dinner Game. It was not as good as I remember, but still pretty great. 
In the past we watched all of the very relatable Malcolm in the Middle, so when their little reboot came out, we watched that. It started and ended great, the middle was meh.

Dash and I watched the old Mary Poppins again recently, it's still such a gem.
There are shows that some won't watch, so we get through more slowly when that person is gone for the evening.  Dash and I watch Blackish together. Eli, Louie, and I watch Pushing Daisies (Dash doesn't like that one).

I could go on about TV...it's kind of our favorite, but it sure doesn't make us sound very intellectual, does it.  We are doing what we can to survive, okay.  We do play games sometimes too. HeadsUp or cards or board games. Sometimes our new ward friends have us over for a game night. We really like them, and it's good for us, even if I don't really enjoy playing games. I find it intimidating and uncomfortable, but I am willing because it's a happy, healthy outlet for our family.
Moving to Utah has made me feel like we are such lazy butts. Maybe we are. People here are real goers and doers, extreme in their outdoor activities - which honestly is pretty healthy and good of them. We aren't wired that way as much. Louie would like more of some of that, but doesn't do it or plan it on his own. I told him he should finally go on that river rafting adventure he's been dying it do with the boys for years. He started planning one, but seemed to shift to the youth trip for now.

I am not overly lazy though! I get a lot done during the day! I exercise, have spiritual time, plan, clean, organize, repair stuff, run errands. Then I chill. 
The boys when school is out? Lazy.  Thank goodness they play sports, otherwise they'd never move their bodies. We have energy issues around here. 
They are required to do a chore or two, and read, and be real humans for some time before they can turn to video games and such.  It has to be well into the afternoon before I let them squish out on screens.

So that's that.

Dash turns 14

How is my baby 14?  I know parents always say that, but honestly. It's so bizarre and doesn't seem possible.

This guy. He's a great non-stereotypical teenage boy. He's kind and chill and smart. He's driven at soccer, wonderful at piano and music, so sweet to me. If he hears me say words like "pretty/beautiful/gorgeous", I can bet I'll soon be hearing his voice saying "but not as pretty/beautiful/gorgeous as you, Mom". The best. It makes me laugh every time, because in those moments I likely have no make-up on, and haven't done much for cute outfits or hair.
He is also helpful with chores and things around the house. I really appreciate that. 
He holds my hand and hugs me. Sometimes in public even.
He shows me silly teenage trend things and teaches me how to do them. And laughs when I look old doing them. 
He's a cutie and a sweetie and I love him.

Waking up to gifts

From my parents

Mom's mandatory bday photo shoot

From the great-grandparents!

He asked for homemade ice cream sandwiches. Yum.

Happy 14th, my babiest baby. Mommy loves you.  :-)

Mother's Day and Other Springtime Goods

Mother's Day!
Louie and boys grilled well-seasoned burgers and made veggie sides and such. It was great.

My mom happened to be in town to help with Grandpa Sorensen (her dad) who was having surgery.
So my Mom joined us for dinner, and then I threw a little dessert shindig after, so the whole family could be together to celebrate the women. Brownie Sundaes with homemade sauces. Yum.
(Of course I made my boys do a little photo sesh beforehand. They were nice and didn't even push back.)

Calvin, 21

Milo 19

Eli 16

Dash almost 14

My mom

Memorial Day visit to Gparents

Nature that caught my eye on morning walks:

The award Eli got at the tennis banquet. haha Can the coach do that??

Silly squishy cat sleep,

2025 Summed Up

Going backwards a bit.
The winter this year was so mellow. A lot like a mild Virginia winter, but less rainy. (Meanwhile Virginia had an unusually harsh winter - I think we had a Parent Trap-style weather swap.)
I have loved it. I am sorry we need more water and all that, but dang. I loved not dealing with snow and frigid temps for long, or scary roads. And I love that March has had so many days in the 60s and 70s.  I wonder if April will go back to cooler spring weather, or if we'll keep going from  here. Watch us get a big ol' snow on my birthday.

In December I took on a challenge from my friend, Erin, to do a Christmas letter in haikus.
So to start the updates:  

             2025
Louie
Engineers, leads youth
singing group with friends from church
still soccer, always

Calvin
Anthropology
Google maps, Peru explored 
Word games, Trader Joes

Milo
High school grad, new place
Econ major, math tutor
good adulting skills

Eli
Six foot two, soccer
driver’s license, fruit stand job
Good times with great friends

Dash
Soccer star, braces
Has “rizz” and thinks we’re “cringe”, but
Still sweet, Minecrafter

Jessie
Part time job, thirty
years post high school, hormones wack
Deductible met

I had fun with those. It was a challenge from my dear friend, Erin. Thanks to her.

To elaborate a bit:

Louie has really struggled to find his job satisfying or interesting. It's also a not very social setting, so not easy to make work friends.  He is looking for something new in the area.  He has made friends in the ward, however, and has been scooped up and well-liked by this ward. I call it a "Louie ward". Being noticed and appreciated there has helped offset work.  He's also been singing with a group of guys, and they get asked pretty regularly to sing at church, even in other wards sometimes.  He serves in Young Mens, as always. He's an advisor for the youngest group. He gets them doing lots of things they'd probably never do with another leader, and will do extras like take off work early during Spring Break and gather those who are around for a bike ride. It's good for everyone involved, it seems.

Calvin, 21
He went to Peru last fall!  It wasn't quite what he hoped or expected in some ways, but it was also a pretty amazing, epic adventure. I'm so glad he did it.
He still spends a lot of time on his own researching peoples and places. It really is his passion and hobby. Hopefully he's able to monetize it one way or another someday.
He's doing well working at Trader Joe's and keeps getting raises and such. He's been there about 18mos now.  Most recently they have him helping with the art in the store - which was his wish from the beginning. They have an in-house artist, but she is moving on soon and they're trying Calvin out. It's going great. It is a little weird how excited I get to see the cute signs he makes. Besides being a good artist, he has beautiful, like impeccably gorgeous, handwriting. So it really suits him. 
He is looking for a studio apartment to move into. His roomie got a serious girlfriend and, when their contract was up, moved in with her elsewhere, leaving Calvin in a 2 bd place on his own. He and Milo tried to get Milo a replacement in his apartment nearby, so Milo could move in, but it hasn't worked out.
It's been fun to hear about the places he finds, and I love that he calls me when he's excited about one. So fun. I love that he calls me when he's stressed sometimes too. Just, that he feels he can and values my support and input. That means more to me than most other things in life ever could.
He is trying to figure out what to do about school, since SLCC got rid of his major (anthro). He plans to get more generals done there and hopes to move on to another school when it makes sense to (maybe once he wraps up an Associates degree in something they do have?).


Milo, 19
Is doing really well with classwork in college, and his grades are great!  He has had to go through the normal, but tricky, adjustments of budgeting, cooking, cleaning, timing things, balancing life and school and work and a girlfriend (!). But he's been doing it pretty well.  His girlfriend, Ella, is lovely and smart, with a good sense of humor. 
He is working as a math tutor for Mathnasium. They have a specific system they use, and he's been doing great there. He likes all the people he works with, and feels good at his job - that always feels good! He has gotten a promotion, now he also helps with behind the scenes, and helps with parent interviews about their kids' progress assessments.  He has mentioned he thinks he'll keep working there the whole time he's in college. It pays well, though it isn't open very many hours in a week (20+).   I'm proud of him and happy for him.  
He is still majoring in economics, but unsure of what exactly to do. He has thought about switching to a physics major - for now I believe he has it as his minor. He also thinks he'd enjoy teaching, and is considering overseas teaching jobs like our friends, the Spencers. 

Eli, 16
Got his driver's license with a perfect score last year.  Also a perfect score on the practice ACT. 
He's taking AP classes, having to work through procrastination tendencies for homework, but he's doing it!  He does a lot with his friends, or they stop by with cookies or other baked goods (mostly from Lila). They go to the temple together, they have movie nights, they meet up and hang out in various ways, and I love it. They're a good group of kids.
He went to a couple girls' choice dances with cute girls from the stake.
He surprised us by deciding not to play high school soccer this year. He's not feeling it.  He's never been as intense about soccer as his brothers, so it makes sense to me. He'll keep playing more casually with his club team.  Now he is trying tennis. He made the high school tennis team, despite never having played until their conditioning weeks. Ha. For perspective though, it's a very low-key situation and most everyone who tries out makes it. It's almost like tennis lessons but while playing other high schools. His coaches are great, and he's improving quickly and doing well, and more importantly, having fun! He enjoys it, and I've like watching him try something new.
He is planning to serve a mission.  He is nervous about it and all, but he trusts his patriarchal blessing and is motivated by that.  He is our first child to make it to 16 and still be progressing in his gospel learning. He has his doubts and questions, as we all do and should, but he feels the spiritual feelings and needs, and is moving forward.  I have felt the need to start preparing him in ways like learning to manage mental health challenges, how to notice and assess your own feelings and moods, how to work through feelings of inadequacy in talking to people, or in any other aspect, how to do laundry, how to help in the kitchen (a sacrifice for me as I'm a: get out of my kitchen and let me work, type chef); the importance of setting little goals for yourself like taking a break from your phone, or eating less sugar, etc. (he comes up with those on his own as well, it works much better that way since goals don't mean much coming from someone else).  Anyway, he's a great kid. Super smart too. He has his struggles, as to be expected, but he's doing well.


Dash, 13
Got braces in the summer, fun for him!  
He started doing Track at his school this spring and is loving it!  I wasn't sure about adding track on top of soccer, but when I pick him up from track practice after school,  he is so pumped and excited.  He loves the push of running faster and farther, and trying different events. I told him if I see anything concerning, track has to go. But so far so good, it's fun to see his new excitement. 
He has also been getting back to the piano (phew). I had been sad thinking he was over it forever and would lose all that progress.  But he's been pulling out Chopin, and other favorite classical pieces; usually really fast ones, or lovely, slow, sad ones. He's so dang good. It's fun to hear him play again.

Jessie

I had a year of medical stuff like no other.  Nothing serious, but it went like this:
Jan 2025:  basal cell carcinoma on my hairline. Mohs surgery to remove it. Doctors tell you is no biggie. Well, it is kind of a biggie, rather intense and quite the recovery. There was a Frankenstein phase.

Later in Jan: my first ever ER visit for severe pain in my lower right abdomen. I didn't think it was appendicitis because I didn't feel fever-y or the infected feeling.  No one could figure out why I was in horrible, groaning pain for 8 hours, and it subsided eventually, so they sent me home with "maybe it's constipation?"  Which did not make sense.

April-May:  my mom gifted me some head injections (my own plasma injected into my head) to try to help with my embarrassing and annoying hair loss issue. That hurt a lot. While there, the doc did some bloodwork to look for other reasons for hair loss besides the obvious, which turned out to show I had early stages (subclinical) Hashimoto's Disease. Nothing too terrible, but an auto-immune disease which is a bummer.  I didn't do much about it, but good to know to follow up sometime.  Also my female hormones were all out of wack, so she prescribed some bio-identical HRT cream, which was helpful. My hair never did grow back though.

July: Another night of groaning horrible pain came, this time inducing vomiting.  I tried to not go to the ER again, but after hours of it, I did. I'm pretty tough when it comes to pain, but this was a concerning level. At least it got me out of Girls Camp (I'm in YW at church). 
During the ultrasound at the ER, they noticed my "bladder was super full" even though I had just emptied it minutes before. They kind of skimmed past that little fact, and kept looking around my abdomen for the problem. They again came up with nothing except "maybe you're constipated" again. Please.   
It was me who circled back to the "bladder" saying: "Why is that so full when I just emptied it, isn't that like...not good?"  The tech gal took some pictures of it and when the doctor saw, he was concerned enough to refer me to a urologist. Urologist saw me a couple different times over a month, and prepped me for the possibility of having to catheter myself daily, which kinda freaked me out, but not as much as I would have thought. I think my intuition knew it wasn't that, also my um...bathroom functions, felt  normal.
Somewhere in there I also got a colonoscopy, to make sure everything was okay in that region. It was.
Finally, at the end of a very invasive urology appointment, it was the nurse who gasped and said: "I don't think this is your bladder!"
Upon further inspection: large ovarian cyst.  12cm diameter.
Awesome.
9 months, two ER visits, and several urology appointments later. Ovarian cyst. Doesn't seem that hard to diagnose.  Women's medical care is truly lacking.

Thankfully I never received one bill from the three urology appointments. 

So yeah. That horrible pain I had? Ovarian stem torsion. You know, the kind of pain that sends people into emergency surgery? Yeah. It was legit. I felt validated at least, but wow. 

So, off to the gynecologist I went. The first one was a male, he dismissed it and said: "Yeah, it's large, you can live with it though. If you want, we can take it out, or you can wait for it to pop. Whatever you want."  I said: "Well, I can feel it. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes I get horrible pain. Also it's squishing my bladder". He didn't seem to care.
So second opinion from a female GYN went: "Ooooh no. This thing needs to come out! Once they're past 8cm they rarely pop on their own."  At that point it was even larger, 12.5cm.
She also saw other, smaller cysts on that ovary. She said "That's a bad ovary, let's take it out along with the cyst."  That felt right. Finally! 
A week or so later, I was prepping for laparoscopic surgery. Gulp. I had been so concerned and misdirected for so many months, it wasn't until they were wheeling me back to the O.R. that I had a moment of "Aah what am I doing here?! I don't want surgery! I'm scared!"  Thankfully the wheels were already in motion (literally) and soon I was waking up afterwards, sore and finding out she also took the fallopian tubes because they had some growths on them too - benign - but she figured she'd save me future issues. I felt weirdly excited to have those gone, it was a great surprise. 

So. When medical issues arise: ask questions, try new docs if something feels off, trust your body and your instincts.  

Since that surgery, I have felt so much better and so much more myself. In every way. Wow. I think that dang ovary had been messing me up for years. YEARS. I have felt better ever since.
Now I just need to manage this thyroid issue. That's for 2026.

Let Me Just Vent a Little, and Then I'll Try to Move On

Yeah, it's been over a year.  That tells you something about how I've (we've) been feeling and dealing since the move to Utah and the family blog fizzled, sputtered, and died (or went into a coma at least). 

I'm not here to fill in all the gaps. I'm not sure I'll keep updating from here. Maybe?   I do know that I finally felt the urge to sit down and write today. I had largely lost that.  Today I miss writing. Maybe because my hormones are in better shape. Maybe because it is unseasonably warm out (71 degrees in Utah in March?)  Maybe because I finally started taking Omega-3 vitamins and my brain is working better. Maybe because time does heal...a bit...kinda.
Whatever it is. I'm here today.

I probably said it already in past posts, but this was BY FAR our most difficult and painful move. So much so that 2 3/4 years later we still talk about it as if it just happened (though we are more settled than say, a year or so ago). I am disappointed mostly in myself, for believing I could be fine here, and make it fine for everyone else, and then for being the one who is probably struggling with it the most. Argh, so lame.  Get over it already, Jessie.  But also, give yourself some grace. Hard is hard. There don't have to be reasons, and timing is what it is.
But here are some reasons anyway, just to help me get it out:
 
1- Loss of a community. That hurt a lot more than I anticipated (and I did anticipate it).  When your community of schools and church know your kids, like from when they were tiny to when they are big, that's a lot bigger of a deal than I realized. Leaving that was an enormous loss, and one we can't rebuild at this stage of life.  It's just gone.  We didn't come here with small kids. Calvin was graduated and nearly out of the house when we got here, Milo a junior in high school, Eli 14, Dash 11 - the younger two were young enough to gain some momentum, but not the same as little to big.
It broke our hearts and we had some serious healing to do.   
2- Utah is strange culturally. I don't mean that in a bashing way. People can get too mean about the Utah thing and I don't want to do that (though I'm afraid I do at times, not meaning to).
There are good people here, like there are everywhere. And we're only in one part of the state.  Our ward and neighborhood is full of sweet people we appreciate. And generalizing isn't fair. So it's touchy to share about how we feel about it, but there really is a non-self-aware bubble here, and it's just...strange. And the politics are...confusing, especially next to the doctrine. It's hard to want to be a part of it, but you kind of have to in order integrate properly, and since integrating is necessary in order to have some sense of belonging, there's a lot of squirming to accommodate. Feeling like you're betraying yourself a little. But then, it's also prideful to judge like that. And unfair. Sigh. It's just uncomfortable all around and not a great fit for us.
And a few other legitimate complaints to get off my chest (waah): the filthy air, impatient rude drivers sharing a scary, high-speed freeway; lots of need to use that freeway to do anything; high home prices next to lower-paying jobs; and Louie really doesn't like the job he came here for (eek). He is looking for something new.   
3- Finances. Ours took a huge hit.  The timing of this move was terrible economically. We lost about 12 years of financial progress. It didn't seem to matter that we had a decent amount of equity to plunk into a house here. We soon regretted buying upon arrival, and wish we had rented and waited for a bit. For the first time since maybe grad school, we are so financially uncomfortable and strained, it doesn't feel sustainable. 

Okay. 

The positives.
- seeing my family more regularly and sharing in the big and small moments
- re-acquainting with a few beloved old friends of mine (though I wish we had gotten into a rhythm together, everyone is so busy and we have different styles and availability). 
- starting to have some new friends in the area. A bit. We appreciate that.
- Eli and Dash are doing great socially and with school.  I especially appreciate Eli's group of friends, they are so positive and do good things together, between school dances and temple appointments.
- we must have brought Virginia winters with us, because they have been very mild so far. The state isn't getting enough water. Woops. I have loved the lack of snow.
- the high altitude means even in the hot, hot summer, the evenings and mornings cool off. Yay.
- the mountains are beautiful, they really are.
- southern Utah is an accessible gem.
- easier to shop for kids' shoes and clothes here, more stores.
- neighborhoods connect, so friends can meet up at a park themselves - I love that.
- Milo attending college at my and Louie's alma mater, pretty fun. 
- Calvin moving to SLC in 2024 really helped make it more homey. I love that we can all get together. We have dreams of making somewhere like NC our home base one day, or maybe even VA again, if we can figure that out. But for now, it's nice to have us all in one state, here. I do love that.

November and Milo Turns 18

Just a lovely fall shot from my hike

Look at Milo, winning awards for being a great guy at school

Trying the new "Crispy Cone" eastern European ice cream shop
We liked it and it was a fun novelty, but not amazing. Not one to frequent.

Nov 14, 2024
Milo turned 18!  Another adult child (newborn adult, but still). So strange.
Milo is a positive energy. He's into his generation's cool guy lingo and fashion. He's kind, conscientious, & fun. He believes democratic socialism is the way to go, and is beyond frustrated by our country's current state (who isn't, right? But he likes to stay informed on his own).
He's doing well in school academically, and in relationships with teachers, adding to discussions, and occasionally gets homework done. He procrastinates plenty, but seems to pull off getting good grades.
He is planning to attend University of Utah in the fall, not sure of a major. Somewhere in the psychology or engineering world?  I'm excited to see how that evolves as he gets going, he'll be good at whatever he chooses to do with his life. Just the choosing...that's hard.

Brownies with toasted marshmallows, Heath bar bits, and ganache.

Professional senior photo shoot preview - my faves:

I am so impressed with what a good person Milo is. 
I love him so.

Fall Break Stay-Cation and such

Whenever there's a break in school, Louie starts pining to get away, while the rest of us want to stay home and chill and hang out and have an actual break from life.
For Fall Break, we compromised and did some local things that he approved of, but that we could also deal with as it didn't take up the whole day or too much energy. 

We were supposed to start the first day with a lovely hike, but the weather shifted and it was rainy and windy. So we did a tour at Mrs Cavanaugh's Chocolate Factory, and then...bought and ate chocolate.

The following day (Friday) we just had a movie planned. We went to The Wild Robot. A favorite book of Dash's, he was very excited.  It was a cute, sweet little movie.

Then Saturday it was Kennecott Copper Mine! As huge and amazing as this thing is, I think we thought there would be more to the tour.
We did get a tour guide who doesn't usually work there and is a retired engineer - he was a colorful character and told some great stories and facts. He cracked us up.
Except Dash - who thought it was lame and boring.

Everything was on epically large scale there.

The Up house - a home in Herriman designed, inside and out, to look like the house from Up.
You can't go in, as it's someone's actual house, but we drove by since we were in the area. 
Cute, right?

We had lunch at a donar kabob place, which I didn't love, but others liked. And Dash refused to eat anything (even fries - every once in awhile he gets stubborn and really digs in)  - so he went hungry.
Then we visited Calvin at work! It's the newest Trader Joe's location, Sugarhouse. 
Isn't he cute?  He's doing great and making good money.
We are all happy about it, for him, and for us (so many TJ food faves). 

hee hee

Glorious colorful leaf carpets in Adam's Canyon! 10/29