The love field isNOT for me.

I could not believe how silly I had been. Do I like the guy? ...Terribly!!!
Do I want him to like me?.... ABSOLUTELY!!!
Then why?!! please someone come and tell me WHY!!!!! I said what I said.

I stayed up for a very long time, I check my IM and didn't see him there. I wondered if I should call him after school the next day, I wondered if I should just give him time. I missed him though.

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School is not distracting enough, my friends are in their own world and thinking about him and what's going to happen is eating me. Anxiety, I should look that up!

I came home and he called me, he said that he was coming over to help me with my homework. He was doing his part, we were still friends.
We worked on my homework and it was just too weird. After dinner we took a little walk and landed ourselves on the grass, there somehow I could not really control much of what I said... I wasn't really thinking, I looked at him and said...

"I think I change my mind"**********ohh dear, he's going to ask what I mean, I don't want say anything.... wait, is that.......... a ..grin?......breathe!!!****

"Belky, do you know your eyes shine?" -------(it sounds way better in Spanish)----
and I said..............................remember I was not thinking.... I was feeling............ and sweating.....

"they do because they are looking at you" *****************oh my dear, my heart is coming out of my chest, why did I say that out loud?!! , he's smiling... he's looking at me..........at my eyes....I'm dizzy...oh yeah , breathe.... how long has it been? I think he can stare for a long time.............oh my..... he has my hands..............I really like this...............

..WOW!!! I AM NOT READY FOR THIS!! WHAT IF HE WANTS TO KISS NOW?!!! I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.............MY FAMILY.....WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SAY?!!..........

.......calm down, breathe...... what is his family going to say? that I came here following him? that I ruined his mission? that I am trying to get a Green card?...........................what am I thinking?!!!............remain calm.................remember who you are,,,,,,,,,,,,remember who he is.....................you two don't match.........plus, you never wanted a WHITE BOY!!!!...................what?? oh, he's talking....***************

"yes, we should go for a walk"

As he held my hand, as we walked together I could not feel happier, and yet I was bothered by 'what would people and his family say' I was thinking that he was not for me, and that I needed to let him free.......................so we walked back to my apartment and I said ......

"we should talk"..............

Didn't see it coming AT ALL!!!!

SO sorry for taking so long to post again :-( I have just been crazy busy, but here it is.


He kept looking down at the table and I was just pulling on my little bracelet. The silent was so icy cold. I could tell something was wrong, his arm muscles were tense...***kind of attractive....he has nice hands...oh no! he still looks mad, wake up girl WAKE UP!!....****

I asked him once more, "What is wrong?" and he said "I can't tell you, don't you know?" I thought and thought and just couldn't come up with an answer that would justify his actions, so I said "David... aren't we good friends now?... I think you can tell me anything"

************why!?!! isn't he saying anything, he looks like he's in pain....I can't understand why I had to be so mean and bring so much agony to him, should I tell him, I'm sorry?.............silence...silence!! pleeeeaaassee say something!!!*********

and he did.................

..." Have you ever liked someone but that someone didn't like you back?"

***************I froze, my head was spinning, I was stunned.........I remembered to breathe.....it is really hard to breathe right now..... how can he? how could I have been so silly? ....He really did..........he likes HER!!...........................NO, tears pleeease go back!..........................what? oh shoot I broke my bracelet!.............he's looking..............he looks a little confused......................................did he?...................could?......... Oh my you are so slow girl!!! he meant YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OHHHHHH I think I'm sweating,,,, breathe ............breathe..............did he really mean me?...........AHHH I'm just so.. this feels so... good !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wait..why is he looking so sad?***********************

"David? I don't think what you said is true" ****blushing***

************He's looking at me, his eyes are so penetrating, I think he's smiling.....maybe just a tad...........******************

"David, I think ... you and I...****chicken!**** well....we are good friends....maybe we should just stay good friends....."

*****************CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN!!!!!!! I don't think this is going well at all........................no...please ...don't!*******


"I think I'll go now"
"David, wait"
"I'll talk to you later"

The question

Somehow after all that he kept talking to me:-)
Well, I am sure he feels very sorry for me, since it is clear that I don't have other friends besides him and Alma.

Alma is my Mexican friend, we hit it off right away and she was the only one that was happy hanging out with me and David at the same time. One day she asked David to teach her to play the piano, and since he looked so excited to do it I said " Oh... I want to learn too !!"

****I know, I know..how can I be jealous of my friend? To my defense, we didn't know each other that well, for all I know she could have been trying this whole time to give him some "Love Poison" and I was NOT going to let her have him!........... even though I really didn't have him myself. and I was only 18*****

One day after our "piano lesson" --in which miss Alma was being a TOTAL show off!!!--- (okay maybe I didn't practice at all, but still!) we walked Alma home ---why wasn't him letting her walk on her own I'll never know--- on the way back we were teasing each other, talking about worms and so on.
I don't know what got into me, but I was SO ready to EXPLODE with jealousy, I think it had to do with the fact that I knew I had disappointed him by not practicing the piano and Alma had impressed him... I don't know the thing is that.........
...well........I started teasing him about Alma, and how she is SO pretty and nice and fun and practices the piano and blah blah.

It didn't go as well as I thought it could........
*****OKAY I admit it, I was hoping he would say something like..."Alma? no way! she practices yeah, but you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen in my life and I love you more than words can describe, I need you and I would die without you!!!".............or something like that******

But no, it didn't go like that AT ALL! he was MAD you could tell he was mad, I could tell, the people walking by could tell the WORMS could tell for crying out loud!!!!! and the 10 minute walk became an eternity, I kept trying to understand, what out of ALL of the things I said made him this mad.

Once we got to my apartment I invited him in, we went to the kitchen and sat at the table. I remember he was serious and I asked him to talk to me. We sat next to each other and for some reason I could not face him, I took my little elastic bracelet off and started playing with it, trying not to make eye contact...

...Then... I asked him to tell me what was wrong, it was apparently a very hard question.