Interesting...this past month

Besides relatives finding really old scary pic's of me - lol Amy =P.. It has been a very interesting month. Full of ups and HUGE hit rock bottom downs and thankfully full of a couple of really good people that thankfully listen to the Lord and answer his call.

For those of you that remember my online friends, Tyler came back within this past month. Yeah, the kids from Florida. I never, ever, expected to hear from him again, in fact I had totally written him out of my life and cut him out of my heart. Pretty hard to do when you are spiritually connected to someone - whether they believe in the spirit or not. I was just chatting with my massage therapist, Kimberly, who recommended my zoner. We were chatting about friends, boomerangs, spiritual friends that you connect with, and the one your meant to be with. Kimberly is awesome, a funny, short - SHORT LDS dynamo so if anyone knows of a good man out there in his 30's - tell me so I can set her up =]. Anyways, she said she read a book that described those friends that you feel like you've known forever - those friends that you had in heaven and have found here again on earth- this author called those your "soul mates". Mate as in friend not lover. He called your sweetheart, companion - your "soul twin" because they are the other half of you. I really, REALLY like that - cuz its so true. I married my soul twin and often joke with him about how ppl must look at us and wonder how he ended up with me cuz he is the better half. =] well, in my eyes atleast, I definately won a prize when he decided on me, I don't know if I'll ever understand why but I'm grateful. I also have 3 really great soul mate friends - one that I found and have been "boomeranging" with for heavens - 27 yrs?!?! - he just boomeranged right back in again - nice how the Lord knows what you need and when. For those of you that are concerned - don't be - I've always had guy friends, not female friends - I'm too much for some soft women I guess ;] and yes my honey knows all about and everything that I know about my friends. The other two I just met 3 yrs ago - my online boys that I feel almost like more of a mom to.

I'm learning that life is what we make it - lol I've always known that, but I guess I'm saying - what we "accept" that we've made it. We will always have regrets but you can't live by them, you can't live with "what if's" or "supposes" either. Somewhere along the line, we or someone for us - made the choice. We are who we are today because of those choices - whether we wish something in our life was different or not - we can't wish to be someone different, or it wouldn't be what you wanted anyway.

Another Veterans Day

I hate to admit it but since we don't get Veterans Day off anymore, it tends to slip my mind. Don't get me wrong, I love my country and am very, VERY grateful to the men and women who sacrifice to give me my daily freedoms, now and past. When we first got Veteran's Day taken away as a holiday I was really ticked off. Hello - we are a state run institution and we are taking away Veteran's Day?!?! That just didn't make any sense to me. Instead they gave us an extra Personal Preference Leave day. At that time I swore I would use one of the two days on Veteran's Day but years later, alas my preference days have been used as sick time.

I honor the men in my life who have given all, who continue to sacrifice and those who wouldn't do anything else. My father, Vaughn Terry; my nephew in laws, John McKeown and Caleb Heder; my friends, Jason Blood, Rod Miller, Mark Howell, Mark Baxter, Jeff Anderson, Byron Peterson. I am sure I have forgotten someone and I don't mean to, you are all honorable men and I am proud to know each of you. I am grateful for wives and families who miss their dad or give their dad so that I can complain when I am cold but have the right to raise my flag this day.

Living within 5 miles of Hill Air Force Base, it has never bothered me when the jets have flown over. I hear it and smile...being the last born in a family of Army brats I never remember living on base. But my dad taught me to be proud of my heritage, my country, and what we stand for. So I love seeing a man in uniform, get a little upset when they shame that uniform - love hearing the jets and planes fly by and practice, for I know that one day they may need those manuevers to protect me.

It may sound corny but anyone that really knows me knows its true, I am definately proud to be an American, and all that stands for.

November

So this month I decided to join Jojo in trying to write a novel. It's the National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo) and once I figured out how it worked =P, I started. They really should give clearer instructions to those of us slightly denser first time users...but I did figure it out after playing around some.

For those of you that were reading my first book, "Learning to Love Myself"...I haven't given up on that. Actually, this new book is kind of like an adaption. It's called "Strong Women...perchance to Love". The idea behind it is that as strong women, sometimes life seems more difficult. We may believe in ourselves but not have a self esteem, we may be loved unconditionally but not know the full measure of it. Sounding familiar? =D yus, cuz it is the concept of my first book. What I'm attempting to do is take the advice from all of you, the counselling, etc and put it into a fictional character's life. Something that she is going through and will learn from.

I've decided I hate writing dialog >[. It pains me, so I am grateful to a wonderful niece, Lisa, who will eventually, when I send it to her ;], take the time to help her dear old aunt, grammatically speaking. He he. My self esteem is in process...a bunch of things that came about from my therapy, if your interested, ask....so I would ask that you not squash whatever little bit is there by making any comments. Positive comments are always welcome =]; however, I know that I've made typo's and run on sentences, and I know that romance isn't everyone's cup of tea...so, please don't reiterate =D.I'm hard enough on myself, more than all of you combined actually =].

My enthusiasm isn't quite where it was a couple of weeks ago, but that's okay. I am still writing and taking it day by day. Thankfully the kids leave for school and I stay up at night, nice quiet times to write. I am still looking for inspiration from any of you out there. Please know that most of you "are" my inspiration for all the strong women that I write about. I count myself blessed to know you and love you. =] You can access the book from the upper right box on my blog. Remember that its in blog form so start at the very beginning in the blog archive.

Paix

So many thoughts rumbling around

(Its amazing how much a sunrise means...to one who's had a terrible night.)


The one thing about these zoning treatments is that it releases more than my stress but it wakes up my spirit and all these new thoughts and idea's pop into my head. Joining things together so that more of my world, religion make sense. I just want to come home and blog before it all leaves but just like waking up at 2am with an idea - its always gone or different once you find the piece of paper.

So - Sarah (my zoner) and I chatted about what I said a couple of blogs ago about "feeling" people in our dreams. She totally believes me and what she told me is somewhat in line with what I had written. Our spirits (souls) are made up of energy...energy is universal..therefore you do not have to be in the same room with someone to feel their spirit. Now that she knows I have this ability she's going to work with me so that the spiritual contact in my sleep is kept appropriate. Haha...interesting comment. ...how often do we think of our dreams as just being dreams? Our minds and spirit working together in the night to sort out what we've heard or seen or done during the day, processing information and trying to rejuvinate the body while making sense of sometimes nonesense. Yes, I believe that most dreams are that way - most of mine are anyways. I did a poll on fb with my friends and most of their dreams are that way too.
However, every now and than when something is going on in someone's life and their spirit needs support or to share good news - I believe that is when connected spirits reach out to each other in our sleep.

I made the mistake of telling someone about being friends in the pre-exsistence. Well, they don't believe in anything but an after life so I was "freaky" and yeah wasn't a good thing. =] However, with what the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us, we know that we were born as spirits before we were born with bodies. So if we were spirits before, where were we? Would we not have made friends and had companions while we awaited our time to gain a physical body? Our was our intelligence (spirit) born with us? It is not cellular like our physcial bodies and it had wisdom even as an infant, just watch a child and marvel at how fast they learn and grow.

Anyway...lol, why I mention that...I have had about 6 ppl in my life that I have instantly connected with, those I believe were best friends in the pre-exsistence. Some have come into my life and vanished again but we just the fact that we retouched here - gave us both the understanding of there. Those people that you meet that you don't have to try to be friends with - you suddenly just ARE. Those that it feels like you've known them forever - well........you have =P. My Dean is one of those...people wonder at our getting engaged 2 weeks after we met and married 3 months later...no mystery - I knew him and he knew me. There was a sense of familiarity, deja vu if you will at certain times, and nothing had to really be thought about. We met and everything just fit, and it still does. He understands me more than anyone I know and what he doesn't - he tries to....I have never met anyone more patient and I can tell you, with me I'm sure I have pushed him limits. But he loves me, and if I ever doubted that, I just have to look at the fact that he is still here with me, trying to solve problems, helping me to overcome my own, and giving of himself at my time of need.

My sister is literally very old. Not in body but in spirit. She has been told that hers was one of the first spirits created....she waited a long, long time, but thankfully I was blessed to have her in my family. I mention this because some people think it strange when you have friends older or younger than you...but your aren't friends because of the physical body, you are friends because your spirits reconnected. Who knows how old that person literally may be? I have found that I have very few friends around my age...=] my best friend Steph who is always there bless her heart and maybe one or two others. I tend to migrate to either older (7 yrs plus) or younger friends. Not sure why, not really sure that it matters, atleast it doesn't to me. We all need friends in this world, to survive, to grow, to learn, to love, and to just get through life with. How sad it is that the world has evolved to the stage that innocence has turned to shamefulness or looked at with crude eyes.

I've been thinking about the dream I had a couple of weeks ago, where I was with my friends and family and upon leaving, saying goodbye...actually felt one person kiss me goodbye. Yeah, lol that was different...and startling enough that I woke up. But not before I think I met this spirits protector. I've really been trying to figure this out...not that its bad, it was not felt that way -but just interesting. Interesting that a protector felt needed or maybe not needed but was just observing...hmm idk. After hugging and kissing ppl goodbye (see family parties for visual =] ) this person who had not been in my dream until the very end, showed up. Shook my hand and held my gaze. A kind, concerned, gentle face that I thanked for bringing my friends to me. Out of my entire dream...the kiss and that person's face were real. The new spirit didn't touch me as my friends did, but was real and it was actually pretty cool.

My blessing tells me to be my own teacher. To teach others - lol youth specifically (no wonder I become friends easily) - and to listen to the holy spirit. If nothing else, I am grateful for my zoning to reconnect me with my poor sick spirit that I have been neglecting. For helping me to feel the holy spirit more often and be receptive of its teachings. To be grateful for the blessings of my life, my troubles, and those that fill my life each day - with happiness or sadness or anything inbetween.

paix

So it's good =D

Ha ha..he'll shoot me IF he ever reads this -(he he). Ok so to the left is my Brandy. Yeah, NOT a girl =P...just like the rest of you I have nicknames for Jojo, Isha, Boo, Hedgie, etc etc...this is Brandon. This is my "illustrious" friend in Michigan that I've now known for 3 yrs. We didn't think we'd make staying friends for 3 yrs - not always easy being a mom and having a best friend who's a teenager - one either side - haha- but hopefuly both of us have learned alot. For example, I have gained a lot of knowledge on what guys go through and hopefully am a little more prepared for Anthony to hit these ages now- >.> here's hoping. This is the young man who's wise comments I post on here every now and than and he turned 18 yesterday! Congrats Brandy. We sent him a box of candy - sour patch kids and airheads and are hoping if he ate it all today that the sugar rush lasts him through his hockey game tonight. he he he.

Ok this pic to the left kinda says a lot =]...yes I'm feeling amazingly better! This is only after 3 visits with Sarah - Dean can tell a HUGE difference and wishes we could afford for me to go twice a week but at $50 an hour - and I do 2 hr sessions - yeah- its totally worth it. We are working with essences as well - I have one called Dreamtime that is helping me to get to sleep and than go back to sleep at night. (hoping I don't jinx myself) I've gone from going to bed at 8:30am the day to going to bed at 2:30 am. =0 I start my nutritional supplements on Monday - AHHHH no more diet coke - AHHHHHH! I can be brave 0.o pfft. So what is going to happen is I am going to start a nutritional supplement called Equilib (of same formula as True Hope) and K48 (Krill Oil). I will still take my medications but I am being monitored daily and weekly by a representative of the Equilib company. They chart my progress and forward information to Sarah and to my regular family doctor. After a month or so if my symptoms have gone down, I will start weening off my prescription drugs. =D...I have wanted to do that since I started them, because they have never fully worked. Plus I would rather not have to take med's period. If I can do stuff to help me and my family with the herbs and essences - I'm excited. =]
(Ha ha...I just realized that the pic with Anthony is almost identical to one I did with Jason when I was 16...so he woulda been ...about 7? Thanksgiving and someone wanted a pic - HA HA HA- so they got one - except my mouth was full of pie ;] )

So, I am in good spirits, I am very, VERY hopeful that these treatments will continue to give positive focus and that I can not only reclaim myself but maybe claim a better me along the way. =] sooooooooo - NO PICS at Thanksgiving - MAYBE Christmas...Alisha hopefully you and Cory will be at both =]...but I'm thinking this will be a great kick start to not just a new mental me but physical also.

paix

Have you ever?

Ok, I know it sounds weird but bear with me. It interesting to explain but I don't think I'm the only one that experiences it - its not a unique just me thing =P. The picture above is as close to what I am thinking as I could get...maybe - maybe not, you can decide if you keep reading.

So there are certain people I have connections with. Do you not have someone in your life that you sometimes just know that something is wrong or that your feeling that they are coming and than they arrive? Yes, my LDS family and friends are saying - its the spirit - your intune. Well, what about those that don't have the Holy Ghost as a constant companion but still have those feelings - and no I don't necessarily believe in psychics...this isn't foretelling the future.

How to explain..hmm...k I will try it this way. ... I am dreaming - typical dream, friends are in it, family in it, doing ordinary boring stuff, blah blah - get the picture? Good. But...as dreams go there are those dreams that seem SO REAL that you are still flustered why you wake up. I'm not talking that - I'm talking a connection with a single person or persons. So back to the dream...everyone doing own things - tickling, hugging, touching, laughing - normal stuff and its a dream. Than at the end, for some reason, it becomes real. Like saying goodbye to everyone, than suddenly just one person you "feel" the hug to your body, the feel of the kiss goodbye on your lips or the touch of the hand as it shakes yours. WEIRD I KNOW! But this happens to me occasionally - not often and not with any reason. However, interstingly enough the people that I feel in my dreams I either talk to right away, I see, or find out news about. EVEN WEIRDER. But you know..in a way - comforting.

How often in life do we really reach out and touch people? Ok I do- I'm a touchy feely person - big on hugs and kisses on cheeks, big on touching for no reason other than to let the other person know I am there or thinking about them. HA HA - big on hitting, pinching, pulling or tugging on my oldest cuz he's to the age where "that's embarrassing mom" so I still in my way have to show I love him, I'm proud of him, and I care. LOL - yes by beating him up ;].

Back to the subject - for those that don't or aren't in the cycle of touching anyone regularly or certain someone's regularly - I think this would be wonderful. I believe that when we are asleep, there are times that our subconscience can be "in tune" with the world around us, the people past and present that have lived here. It just came to me that its like my brother John's book - Through the Eyes of a Traveler. Think about it...if we are like the universe and everything in it - made up of atoms and molecules - than it makes sense that we are all connected somehow and that at certain times those connections link together - and we feel.

The only problem with mine? and I guess it isn't a problem, maybe a blessing in disguise - but the people that I feel? Either aren't here anymore or live far away. I will either never touch them again or I have never touched them at all. So to be able to "feel" them at times with me...yeah I think its a good thing, something I wish happened more often.

It makes sense...that's amazing

I don't know if I can get everything that's jumbled up in my head out and making sense in this but I am going to try; for I feel the need to communicate my findings - if for no other reason than to see them written down and clarified.

Being LDS I have always believed that you are a spirit housed in a body of flesh and blood. Through the years I've had scientific friends tell me that everything is made up of atoms and molecules. I believe in ghosts and have heard them; I have friends that have seen them - no not an orb. Putting this together it fits together, it makes sense. We know that our bodies were created and formed from the earth - scientific, we've watched babies from the womb. So lets think about this, if our bodies are made up of cells and molecules and atoms - what do those create? Energy. So is it that far fetched to think that surrounding us every day is energy? Negative or Positive - some people call it moods but when your in a "mood" your energy reflects it and it goes out to others around you. Thus the saying, "if mom's unhappy, nobody's happy". Us - who we are - our spirit also contains this energy. Our bodies are merely housing for those spirits so that we might touch, see, smell, hear, and learn - gain knowledge that is instrumental for all living things. But we are who we are - dead or alive - just because the physical body dies doesn't mean that we stop being. I feel that we don't stop caring, worrying, wanting that cigerette or that drink. Our physical bodies have imprinted onto our spirit all the things it learns and it remembers. Just as I've learned the last couple of weeks that our spirits in return leave imprints on our bodies - making us unwell, not feeling whole - trying to tell us that the balance is gone, there is disharmony of some kind.

This is my second week at Life Changing Services with Sarah. I've known since my mom died that it was affecting me in ways that weren't good. I had lost my faith and trust in the Lord and have been drawing away from what I know is true. Not because I don't believe it, but because I'm questioning me...no faith in myself to be able to discern correct principles leaves no room for faith in anything else - one cannot believe in if one does not have a belief.

I always felt like I never grieved for my mom - that I turned it over to the Lord, felt better and tried to move on. After I had a miscarriage 2 yrs ago I crumbled. I hadn't completely turned it over to the Lord, my mind wanted me to think that - but my heart did not trust. I need to say this...I am having trust issues with the Lord - that he really will take it away and make it better and help me to feel whole again. He blesses me everyday and I acknowledge to him and to those around me- I see that; but I am not one of complete faith.

I found out today that no only was my mother's death traumatic for me, but also for my mother- which I knew. However, I wasn't comprehending that it was still traumatic for her, even though I KNOW things are the same here as they are there - I was letting myself believe that she was fine and happy and things were great. That's what we all want to believe right? That's how we placate ourselves? Sometimes it isn't true - and I think its okay to admit that. To acknowledge that not everyone is happy when they die - for whatever reason. It doesn't discount our faith, it just makes sense.

My train of thought is gone so I will leave it here and come back to it another time.

=]

Yeah Yeah ...don't faint =P

I'm to get back to a type of semblance of normality...so that might include writing here more often. I need to get used to typing since I've signed up with Jojo to do the Nanowriting in November. I think I have an idea what my book is about but ... I'm still a little undecided, hmm.

So what's going on? My massage therapist recommended her foot zoning lady to see if she could help me with sleeping and getting off my depresion/anxiety meds. My first session with her was amazing and I have high hopes that she will definately be able to help me. A friend said to me that he didn't believe in the "energy, aura type stuff" that it was just people getting paid to tell you what you already know. He's a smart kid. However, I do believe that there are times in our lives that we can't do it alone, for whatever reason. I have always been able to do it myself -until 2 yrs ago - than suddenly I had nothing left to help myself with. The "cocktail"of medications they have me on have still not completely helped - which makes sense to me since I never felt that those were really my problem. "Sarah" from "Life Changing Services" is who I am starting to see - at $50 an hour - the only draw back is that my therapist was paid for by the University - but it didn't help fully; there was an amazing difference after just a half an hour last week. I have an appt this week for another sacrial cranium and foot zoning - and to pick up an all natural balancer that will hopefully get me off my meds =].

More later....

Second

Wow.. well it was certainly a day...

Filled with up and downs and high and lows and unfortunately crap too. Birthday's should just be another day in your life but when your 9 - they still need to be special. Thank you Susie and William for taking Olivia to your school carnival as her present, she loved it. The day started with poochie and I singing her Happy Birthday - yus poochie does sing/howl - you get the idea. She wore a dress today - green so it set off her red hair which I straightened for the occasion. After confirming she looked "adorable", we stuffed her back pack with cookies from the bakery and Kool Berry twists for her class to help her celebrate. It was one of those happy - its soooooooo heavy - kind of things =]. After school she showed me all the cards her classmates had made and given her - than she did her chore and waited as patiently as she could for Susie and William. Unfortunately, she had 2 older brothers who refused to say Happy Birthday to her and never did. - K I won't get into that with this post. - She came home from being with William and Susie - all smiles and talking about pizza for dinner. She than opened her presents - not the wrapping - erm, this mom doesn't really wrap anymore - but she received a 6 mo membership to Club Penguin (online game), a Sharpay Barbie doll, A HS3 Musical CD, bag and shirt, some princess light up shoes, and a My Sims Party for Wii game. Cake is on Saturday with the couple of her friends and cousin William that will be coming to the movies with us. Thankfully Kaysville Theater will be playing something WE have not seen- I'm sure guests have - but it will make it more fun for her - Ice Age 3. I will post pics of her and her presents once I find where Anthony left the camera >/. Oh, she also got HSM3 curtains for her room - I hope she liked her presents and that she had some good times today - with or without her blankety blank brothers.

Why is it hard? and why do you have to feel stupid?

Yes, I know its probably my depression that makes me ask those questions, that makes me feel this way but since I can't help it at the moment - sure why not.

yeah..I don't even want to finish this

So what's YOUR day like?

So Dean was thinking that having the kids back in school would somehow get "me" back on a regular schedule too...yeah so much for wishful thinking. If this were something I could control, than yeah - that would be awesome. I would be up at 7 to see Anthony out the door and wake Ben up - hop on the treadmill until 7:40 and wish Ben goodbye..get Olivia up, jump in the shower - see her out the door, grab breakfast and start work - work until 3 - if there are no interruptions that's my 6 hrs and I'm done for the day as I run to do carpool =]...afternoon to help kids with homework, run them around, do appts, errands, have dinner done and spend the evening with my family or playing on the computer if most of them aren't home.

Well...that is what my life 3 yrs ago we decided SHOULD be and COULD be and than someone else - NOT ME- decided HA HA HA YOU WISH. So instead its 3:50 am I'm gonna try to head to bed in 10 min...my alarm will ring at 7:05 and I'll tell Anthony goodbye and make sure Ben is in the shower, push snooze until 7:25 when I tell Ben goodbye and hit snooze until 8 when I Olivia outta bed. Stagger (literally, some mornings its kinda scary >/) into the bathroom around 8:15 to do her hair, make sure she has everything tell her goodbye - lock the door, set the alarm, set alarm clock for about 1:00 and CRASH. 1..crap I just laid down didn't I? hit snooze for about 30 min and than drag myself outta bed to shower and eat something before running carpool.... by this time I've had maybe 5 - 5 1/2 hrs of sleep...that would be great if I weren't a person that needs 8.=[... do carpool -run kids around - crap didn't take anything out for dinner, try to get them to do chores - still trying to wake up - figure out something for dinner, see about homework getting done and oh yeah - I work..hmm...guess that'll wait for late night....and here I am again 3:55 am.

Life was supposed to be easier as they got older but you know... hate to say it to those that have little ones and are hoping...IT DOESN'T. It just gets more expensive and more hectic cuz they have more friends, more homework, more classes outside of school, more activities church and school related and yeah you wondered why the lady in front of you has a bumper sticker on her car that says "Mom's Taxi"? I don't. I don't dread Anthony getting his license next year - dang I wish it were THIS YEAR..that would help me TONS. But yeah, one more year and than he gets to run carpool- wahoo! He promised..he's not backing out now. =P

Ok everyone faint now...2 days in a row...

Yes, I am trying to get back to normal, thanks to all of you who still love me even when I don't act like the me you know =].

I'm hoping that within the next month I can be off my prescriptions and on some herbal remedies that will help me stop the self-loathing, self-denial, self-pity, and overall just unhappiness felt inside and out. It is all generated from me and within me - some blame my pills which can't be right cuz I feel they don't completely work- some blame my lack of doing what I know I should - blame, blame, blame...blaming doesn't do anyone any good and neither does judging. Right now, this is me and as Alisha said in her blog - I am climbing my mountain. A mountain I never saw, never dreamed I'd ever climb but honestly one of the biggest, scariest ones I've ever faced. Over the past few years I've gotten a little higher than either fallen off the next cliff or loosen my grip and gone flying into the side.

I know I'm still on the mountain and I know I'll make it to the top. I have too many people that rely on me, better yet I have those few who love me and love me unconditionally and see me as my Father see's me - who I really am, not who I see or who the world has me looking at - for that I am grateful.

....it totally ate part of it...

I just reread - my entry and noticed it totally ate a couple of lines >.>

ha ha- no wonder my friend felt guilty - grrr dumb editing. In extension of what is written below I continue...with what should be before the poem.

I must have been having sympathy pain for his hand with my hip for it screamed at me for hours. So while waiting for my heat patch to take effect I decided to jot some things down. This is how I see my friend, this is how I love him.

there - now hopefully it makes more sense....heavens. >/

Just Something...

Ok saw one of my Dr's today...going off the estrogen, he doesn't think its helping (duh)and FINALLY listened to me about not sleeping and that it isn't the anxiety its my body not knowing how to shut down and relax. So I'm trying Lyrica - keep your fingers crossed - here's hoping.

So I have a some friends that are having some interesting times...yes, I know, we all having interesting times in our lives. However, I like to notice theirs more just cuz than I can forget myself for awhile =]. Anyways..I digress..I have some friends that could be miniature and life size of each other in so many ways; I love them both dearly however; one has left my life but I hope the other since he is older and somewhat wise ;] will stay for a long time. So I was thinking about this friend as he was relating his personal anguish over something- yeah I'm a mom through and through, too sensitive my mom used to say - and there was nothing I could do or say. I hate that, only crappy thing about being an online friend - hard to truely enjoy the great moments or comfort in the sorrowful ones. Anywho...it was one of those nights >.<



If A Bear It Be....

What do we see of a grizzly? all gruff and growl and might?
A life of hardships, toil and strife? or a simple urge to protect and fight?

The brightness of the warm sunlight, signals a first fight of might.
for nothing is seemingly easy.... every detail of life has its plight.

Yet hidden beneath the fur, the growl and the grim..
is a lonely bear just searching,
for the love that from kindness does stem.

Chance to take another look, at this growlsome bear,
soothe the anger and the the grief.. chance to see a teddy bear.

For every side has its opposite, in nature nothing but beauty grows.
Be wise and search through other eyes, for the man hidden in grizzly bear clothes.

kz (lil sis) 8/26/09

Busy Summer...almost over

I haven't blogged all summer...I'm sure no one is even checking it anymore - lol, that's okay. It has been an interesting summer to say the least. Those with facebook may have seen some of these pics..these were our summer in a nutshell. Not for a long time have we had cousins coming and going; multiple Terry family outings; Dean on business AND Scout Camp trips; and me just stuck in the middle =] okay that part is normal.

In June we got our baby bearded dragons...they are so much fun and its funny to see some people's reaction to them. People you would think would be fine with them actually FREAK OUT..ha ha. They've developed more personality and come into their own, yeah the rare golden dragon is the biggest and he has the most personality. He loves to stand up against the glass and watch the boys play video games or watch TV.

We've enjoyed having Terry and William, David and Mya and Abby here this summer. Its not great fun here as I'm always working in the office and can't take them places but cousins are here so they seem to keep occupied. =]

I counted the other day...I have 7 siblings, 35 nieces and nephews, and 25 great nieces and nephews and I think there are actually a few more of those on the way! Crazy...and only half the nieces and nephews are even of age to even be married >.<.

At the moment I am in the "30 and better than ever" category..next year I hit "40 and fabulous". Yup that's my goal to be fabulous= in better health, in smaller clothes =D, and drug free! Yay me.

29 and holding..........

So it was nice to get all the good Birthday wishes on Facebook =] thank you everyone. After a stressed, sleepless night the night before it turned out to be a rather nice, quiet, uneventful day. =]

Dean surprised me by taking 1/2 day off (I had taken the whole day)and coming home with white roses and a 2 ltr of Diet Coke... lol. But he ran the carpools for me which allowed me to sleep a little more and take a nice relaxing tub before the hecticness of kids coming home from school set in. Thanks sweety - it was wonderful. We went to dinner at Famous Dave's BBQ...OMHECK.... MANGO DIET COKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nom nom nom nom nom! and Brisket of course =D. I came home to my 'puter to find more well wishes from old friends which was a very pleasant yet shocking surprise. It made it a nice ending to my day.

Last night Boo and Sarah and Tristan showed up for a few days =] fun fun. Tristan is very adorable and TINY! lol, none of my kids were that small at 4 months! But that's nice for Sarah since she isn't very big either =]. We went to lunch with Susi and Reba over at Burger Stop, since I had told Sarah I would take her there. They have the BEST ice cream shakes next to Farr Ice Cream - nom nom.

I got some very nice pressies from my siblings and in laws =], thank you all, AND I FINALLY got my couch and book case!!!!! Heavens, I have furniture again! *e dances* nicer still, all my dad's books that we got from the estate are now upstairs, out of boxes, dusted and put away nicely. =] yay.

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

This is always my favorite part of being a mom. I'm a cuddler and thankfully so have all of my babies been. I tried to find the poem I wrote about how I feel about being a mom- if I find it - I'll post it, it's called Serenity. My mom really liked it.

Happy Mother's Day mommy. I tried to find a pic of she and I together =[ but they are all in the main family albums that are at Mimi's house or still on the funeral poster. This is what I found and I like it - because it shows not only her helping me - but if you look closely - I'm helping her as well. Yeah, Mimi is buttoning my trussel - she was the only one with no fingernails =].When I think of my mom and dad, I like to try to remember the positive things. Don't get me wrong, they were human and I carry enough of those traits each and every day to remind me =P so I want to remember the good things. Like the fact that for 2 yrs or so - it was just me and mom living together. Dad was at work, Reba was on her mission, Denise with the airlines, and Mimi managing apartments. I got close enough to my mom to know that she was human, she had frailties - even though as a mom, she didn't want to show them. Even though her death is still the hardest thing for me to face, it will remain one of the times that I will be forever grateful for. Grateful for a mother who taught me to be a good mom, who taught me to be myself and be proud of it, to be a lady and act like one, and who took my hubby under her wing as if he was her own. I love you Mom and I miss you.

I'm tired of it... to hell with it

My social psychologist told me I'm a people pleaser, that I don't like to hurt people's feelings, so I lie. Well, plan and simple that's what everyone else seems to call it - I simply just don't say anything. There are some thing I don't believe people need to hear, nor do they want to hear, because it will only cause problems. There are enough problems in this world, why start another one.

Some days I just can't hold my temper in, when I feel I have been wronged or whatever the reason. People blame all the "drugs" I'm on for my problems when they are the only thing keeping me somewhat sane in this current world. Life is so fun... I had this realization 3 yrs ago when my mom died and almost to the day - here we are again. You think you have friends, only to find out its just "face" value and they really aren't interested in being your friend... their way of life, etc is much more important to them. My therapist wanted me to talk, I keep it all bottled up inside - well when I do... all hell breaks lose. I have a friend who's going through really horrible times in her life, she doesn't understand alot about friendship or life in general but she is trying and making good progress. She also is a people pleaser and doesn't like it when people fit or don't get along that she feels should. Well, tonight all hell broke lose because I let it. She always wants to know what's wrong, etc and for once I told her. I have to remember I can't do that - she can't handle - no matter how much she wants to. So, that resulted in her other friend attacking me that I had been unjust and unfair and how could I do it I know she can't handle that crap. Well, I'm not in the mood these days.... blame it on my pills, blame it on whatevr the hell you want to but plain and simple - it's me... I am not always a nice person, not even most of the time. So, I let loose on him also - than deleted him completely from my msn so he could not attack me anymore. My friend did not handle any of that well and is now like always blaming herself for what others have done and saying she has ruined everyone's life - it's a bunch of Bullshit. I wish I could make her understand that SHE has nothing to do with anyone's opinion or decisions - we are adults and we make our own choices, whether it affects or includes her.

I'm not even going to go into what else I'm feeling tonight - cuz after losing what I thought were friends, I don't want to lose family too. Suffice it to say, I miss you mom, more than you will or could ever know. If I could change the events of 3 yrs ago I would, not that you'd still be here - but maybe somebody would have listened.

I keep everything inside, for a reason. My life is hellish enough holding it in to have to deal with what happened today on a daily basis and me just not being a nice person. I may be killing myself by doing this but I don't know how else to be what I'm expected to be by my Father in Heaven or accomplish what I need to. Please don't comment.

Not being scheduled

Weird sounding I know, but for a recovering perfectionist like me, this is very different. I do know where my poor oldest gets it from but I honestly was not that way until I was 17. I like having things planned, it eases my stress level - yet for a long time my body did not exsist without stress - it was literally what held me together. The more to do, the less time gave me a rush of accomplishment and I somehow felt like superwoman - however; at the same time, I was pushing myself and telling myself that superwoman was unappreciated - so I would do more. Not healthy - not wise.

These days, superwoman is so excited if I get a chore done, my 6 hrs of work in, dinner made, a couple of little errand things and play time. When Dean and I got married I was a workaholic - (see paragraph above) - in alot of ways I was appreciated. At 19 yrs old I was an assistant CFO at my brother's company - not just because I was related and could be trusted with all the accts but they knew I would get it done, no matter the hours. If I pulled a 99 hr pay period I was SHOCKED - wow I must have done a church activity. LOL. Dean has tried to teach me to relax over the years, to slow down, to try living and enjoying life. After 18 yrs, I'm better at it but still not to the point of not feeling guilty about it. He would take me away for a weekend to relax and we soon figured out that relaxation to my body meant that it didn't know how - which meant major Migraine time. Nice that at the time he was a PT aide and knew how to help those.

We are trying to plan a getaway - he is so stressed from this project his office is doing the past 2 months and will continue I think until June - he needs some downtime. We were headed to Orlando - I've always wanted to go - but it still seemed "scheduled" to me - I don't want scheduled anymore. My life has currently done a total 180. It has crashed and told me - no more! Well, interesting I still have a job, family, house - eh - not possible? I find that I am in a great mood on days that I actually get some sleep (what an idea!), excercise, putter around a bit, get dinner put together - so things that I know need to get done - but get done on MY time, MY schedule. I have to figure out how to work through this - cuz my stress all comes once the kids get home because than my time is no longer my own. I than feel guilty if I haven't started work yet, I am stressed with that and running kids to places needed, errands for objects required, homework, etc etc - you get the idea.

So we are taking out getaway and it ISN"T scheduled. Dean keeps asking what we are doing and I say - IDK. NOTHING - EVERYTHING - what ever we want - period. This is our time together, our time to reconnect with ourselves and each other. I want the freedom of it to be able to be, hey lets go the movie or hmm I'm hungry - lets eat. To me, those are the best of times - to be together, to just be.

Duplicity

Interestingly enough there are days when some of the pettiness of my life doesn't seem to matter. I can delete contacts in my Msgr without feeling remorse or hurt or afraid that I might "miss" a non-exsistent msg. =] I like these days, I feel free. Free from the depression, free from most guilt, (ha ha) and free from stupidity. All of course emanate from me. My therapist and my hubby forever tell me it's the "perfectionist" in me - I don't like anyone mad at me, I feel like I should be able to fix it - and the "control freak" part of perfection gets depressed when people make their own decisions and don't respond - cuz they used to. =[ Hope that made sense. Anyways - I like days when I'm just me... not a perfectionist, not a control freak and think - so what, its their LOSS to cut me out of their life, instead of focusing on the hole it leaves in mine.

Ha ha - an example of my "perfectionism" : last night Dean, Olivia, and I went to Wal-mart for a few things. As we were leaving we, of course, left out the EXIT door - as another family was going IN the Exit door - ROFL. The mom, she must be a little like me - turned to me and said "pardon us, we use the exit to enter". I laughed with her and moved out of her way but Dean knew - lol. It did sound funny and I was grateful to actually hear someone say something like that. Than I did admit - that is a HUGE pet peeve of mine at Wal-mart - ROFL maybe one of the reasons I don't like to go there. Yes, I go in the Enter and out the Exit =P and I am slightly annoyed at those that deliberately do opposite. ha ha ha ha. In my eyes - why does Wal-mart even try? Pfft just take the stupid words off and all of us will be happy and slightly more bruised XD.

A tangled web we weave

I went to bed hmm I think around 11:30 pm, started reading my new book #3 of Percy Jackson and the Olympians. At about oh 3:20 am - half way through the book ;] I decided I needed some sleep =P. Eyah... notice here I am 20 min later. It wasn't that I had something on my mind so much as my body just didn't feel right =S, hmm.

Was thinking of starting to write a new book, very, very different than the current one but now that I'm down here, meh - I don't think so. Inspiration seems to be gone. I really would rather be up in bed but erm yeah. So I'll blog and annoy the heck outta any poor soul who happens upon my 3am ramblings. =D

Some interesting discoveries over the past few days..... you can never really be sure of who your friends are. I have been "friends" with enough back stabbing, two faced people in my life that I'm always a little leary. In fact its one of my biggest trials no days, how do you really know someone? How do you accept what they are saying to you at face value? The world is such a scary place these days and no one really wants to trust anyone or show anyone who they really are. Why? Because the world might actually be a better place for it? or because we are all so "me" driven that we can't see anyone else around us? maybe we don't want to.

I'll be blunt and frankly honest, its been hell for me the past couple of weeks. Months really but last two weeks the most. At first glance Dean would prolly say my meds are working but reflecting back on counselling sessions, they can only do so much. When the stress levels get out of control, there is breakdown - no matter what medication your on - it will show up, unless they have you knocked out - pfft I'm still up at almost 4am, that's highly unlikely =P. So, why is my stress in the red zone heading to overload? Lol, as my eyes immediately go to my frazzled looking lady on my wall that says, "I try to take just one day at a time... but lately several have attacked me at once." Yeah, something like that. I admit that I am open and honest on here but I don't think I'm ready to air "ALL" my dirty laundry just yet =P. Let's just say, there is good reason. Part of that reason is friends - or lack thereof. I've said in posts past that I don't consider myself to be a good friend. I give advice, I try to help when needed, I try to listen and be objective...but in my eyes, I still seem to fail somewhere - hmm recovering perfectionist mode again. Back to subject =D, how are you friends with someone you never met? How can you be sure that its really that person you are connecting with - well, you don't. I suppose that's where trust comes into play - something I fear I have a little too much of. What a horrible, awful thing to have to say!! UGH - just makes me cringe. We shouldn't have to fear trust or lack thereof - it should be natural and most of all - mutual.

I have friends who share their lives with me, intimate details oft times. I treasure these friends and the wonderful gift of trust they've allowed me to receive from them. I have other friends that aren't so open about themselves, those that while I refuse to use the word "hide", I would say are reluctant to open themselves up. Whether for fear of rejection, pain or who knows - it hurts. Ha ha, I know that sounds really strange but for someone who prides herself in other's trust - to find those that don't trust you - is actually painful. You start to question yourself - not them, why would this person react so differently to you than others? But there are no answers, for it lies not with you but with them, its for me, the hardest answer to face.

I reach out to others and receive joy, friendship, love, and companionship. When that is not returned, for whatever the reason - I recoil, like a snake has bitten me. Unlike a wisened elder, I like a toddler continue to reach out over and over again. Wanting to have faith and believe in that trust that was once there, that seems to have disappeared into thin air. Finding out that they are no longer the person you once knew, deliberate or not, makes a lesson learned; yet still there lies the tinies twinge of hope. Why would we succumbe to this time and time again? Why continually turn the other check until you look like your watching a tennis match? Why? Because somewhere deep inside, I know better than to give up on anyone - no one is lost until the battle is over and I refuse to leave anyone behind. Does this make me fool or martyr? I honestly don't know, but I know it gives me stress and heartache and the unending need to ask why?

Why do people have to Judge?

I think I addressed this last week but the problem is still there and its eating at me. Really drives me nuts. I know, I know, you can't please everybody at all times and not everyone is going to like you - BUT if they did like you at first why did it change or were they just faking? I really, really wonder at times. And if they were faking - why? what's the point? Humiliation? I don't get it.

A year ago someone judged me unfairly; they simply did not agree with my way of doing things. Okay so since when is it a prerequisite that friends always have to agree or do things the same? It's not. However, this person went so far as to not just get up in my face about it, but to tell mutual friends that I was untrustworthy, not a good friend, yada yada. Well, they had been friends longer with him and you get the idea. This person has since been found to be slighty psychotic and obsessed - hence the anger towards me but I still don't consider it an excuse. Now, a year later, I'm faced with this again, from a different person. Why can't people see that people need different things from different people? If I get coddled from this friend, I don't need the other one to do that - I need them to be reasonable or funny or whatever the case may be. People are in our lives for reasons that we don't always know but I can guarantee that none of us are in each other's lives for the same reason. I hate being judged unfairly, I hate people thinking that I could or would hurt someone deliberately - if they knew me at all, they would know thats not me. Vengeful yes, I will admit to that, but not to someone who has done nothing to me - not to someone I love and protect.

It's sad to lose supposed friends because they can't or don't want to see what's in front of them. Heartbreaking to know that someone thinks your capable of lying, and mean, horrible things - when you've never even done anything but try to get to know them. Strengthening - I hope- to find the courage to cut them loose, let them go and pray that the mutual friend will come to understand and know that it really has nothing to do with them.

Let your light so shine....

There are definately days were it is so much easier to be happy than others. We are told it is our choice to be happy or sad, angry or joyous, etc etc. But is that decision as easy as it sounds? One of my great weaknesses is that I do not have the strength of telling myself I will be happy that day no matter what. I always take things a little too close to heart, a little too pointed, and the majority of the time, it wasn't intended that way. In self help classes your taught to "fake it til you make it" - get up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I'm beautiful, I'm happy, it will be a good day" and you repeat as often as you need to - you fake it til you make it real. This is what I call my mask.... the fake it til you make real... me trying really hard but sometimes I fail. Lol, if I didn't wow, I'd have nothing to blog about! ha ha

There are days that things are relaxed and it is so simple to make it more real not just for yourself but for others around you also. There are days that are no so wonderful and on those days you need to be able to accept the happiness that someone else offers you. A glimpse of a smile, a good joke, a simple hello. It's not hard to extend, it shouldn't be hard to accept - unless you want to remain in your rotten mood - in that case, its your choice either way.

A friend was blogging the other day about stripping away the wallpaper and paint of her life and getting back down to "her" - finding her and than fixing the holes, sanding the rough spots and starting over. I soooo loved that - it is soooo true. My hope is that while we are striping our wallpaper and paint that we will allow others to assist us and not try to do it alone to where we get overcome with the fumes of paint thinner.

Free Agency... not always what its cracked up to be... for me

So I've been angry the past several days... angry at the world, angry at people, mostly angry at me. Being a recovering perfectionist it's my fault - its always my fault, I should have been able to prevent it or whatever. Yeah, drives poor Dean nuts.

Anyways, I've been beratting myself over "friends" or lack thereof. I never realized what a "scary" person I was. I've always considered myself to be a people person and very friendly unless you get on my badside - than I might scare you =D. I remember my mom and Mimi even saying that when they would go to Relief Society they would sit by themselves. When they went and sat by someone - it was just as good as sitting by yourseld - there just wasn't an empty chair. Eyah - been there, doing that - living that. My mom was very friendly also - so, is it just the look on our face? the air around us? what is it that makes people stay away, even if they know us?

I have had several internet friends over the past 2 yrs - almost 3 yrs now. Since I had my gallbladder taken out and Olivia has been going to school fulltime - I pretty much have no one to chat with - (Dean calls =] unless he's training) so I've been making friends on my game, chatting with them on Msngr. These are all great people, they have problems, yeah who doesn't? If you read my blog you know I'm spotless right? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. ahem, ok.... I have always seemed to have the ability to get people to tell me things - things they maybe wouldn't admit and are amazed they admit to me - amazes me too honestly. I can't believe people trust me that soon without really knowing me........but I am grateful, it feels good to know that people trust you, and I would never want to betray that. It's when it gets betrayed on the other side, that I start head banging and bashing and blame myself. I'm always told when they leave, break off our friendship, whatever...... you've helped me alot, thank you ...... it really has nothing to do with you... BS! Sorry, but if you are leaving a relationship with ME, it has to do with ME - it affects ME. One of my favorite quotes is: We cannot live for ourselves, a thousand tiny fibers connect us with our fellow men. How absolutely, amazingly true. If I'm pissy, my family is pissy, any friends that come over are pissy, anyone I pass on the road becomes pissy - I just don't keep it to myself. That would be really, really nice if that were possible - but it isn't.

I'm feeling better tonight - don't really know why but maybe its because I have come to this conclusion.......... When people say it has nothing to do with me..they are simply saying I'm scared, you've gotten too close. That's fine, it hurts but you have your free agency to say back off, I like you but don't want you near me. That's the crappy part of free agency that we all get to live with I guess, sucks but yeah whatever.

Size-eight-itess

Yep my feet are size 8 and I just shoved my foot into it again. Why do we do that? Why do we unthinkingly say things to people and THAN realize - oh that probably just hurt your feelings! UGH. You would think by now with the moods I'm in constantly and the way I hate ppl saying stuff like that to me - that I would have learned... but no - HEAVENS NO.

Something so simple as a heresay comment, a questioning of integrity and gee - would I be upset? Um... YEAH, it would hurt that someone thought that of me - so why would I think that it wouldn't hurt someone to hear it? One of my best buds has returned to my life after 6 months of agonizing silence. We agreed to not judge each other, to accept each other and not throw any fits - lol - I know that sounds funny. It's almost like it used to be - chatting when there is time, sharing bits and pieces of lives and playing games together online. For my little world that consists of a dungeon office - lol - I really enjoy our visits, jokes and time. Sooooooooooooo what did I do? Well, I didn't break our agreement but I told him about something that someone said - told him it made me sad. It's not the first time its come up so I'm sure he's tired of hearing about it, being questioned - literally. I actually said it more to substantiate my feelings - my trust and that I don't like that others don't feel the same way, know him as I do. But it didn't turn out that way...... once again there is silence, there is hurt, and I am too far away to make it better. Words are what caused it and words aren't seeming to make it any better.

When your on the other side of a computer screen, you can't see a face, an expression, a person really. Words can come out completely out of text - no matter if you know that person intimately or not. There are only assumptions and most often the assumption is of your own making - simply because there is only a computer there. A cold computer who can't see your face, your tears, your anger, your worry, or your pain. It can't put its arms around you and say it will be alright, hold your hand, or give you a kiss. Computers are wonders of technology and a link to a world and people that we wouldn't know exsisted, if they didn't. A world with new friends and wonderful opportunities to share and receive positive exchange.

Words
Unthinking words are harming, unfeeling, and unkind;
not only to the listener, but to others in the line.

Just as a word can heal, soften, and recall;
it can also turn your world around, just one word, that's all.

So think before you speak, please listen closely to yourself.
Is it really worth the anguish, for you or someone else.

kz 3/16/09

Yeah it's been awhile....

So I really did want to post on my mom's birthday on March 1st but lately I can't think of anything to blog about. >.< My world has been so caught up in a couple of others and than figuring out that the all natural pills I was taking to help curb my hunger were actually detoxing me and taking my depression meds outta my body - >.< - erm yeah, its been interesting. I think I'm mainly wanting to post cuz a stinker pot buddy of mine sent me a really graphic vid of decaptiation. All I can say is EWW and WHY would people post something like that? Oh this world is getting disgusting. So I'm hoping to get my mind on other things - wish me luck.

I have a couple of friends that are having "friendship" angsts, as in not really understanding a couple of their friends or the relationship, so I guess I'll post about that. I am self declared the worlds worst friend. I'm always curious and want to know everything, I listen and give advice, but in my eyes, I'm not there for my friends when they really need me.(see previous posts for examples) I also think I am "too much" of a friend and tend to grate on people so I like to give them "breaks" from me - this confuses some people. One of my newest friends said the other day, "you don't give yourself enough credit". BINGO! and I never have - thus my adventure into learning to love myself - will I EVER give myself enough credit? Does anyone? We could soooooooo go into a big thing about that but that's not the topic here =]. HOW are we friends? WHEN are we friends? and WHY does it change?

I've never really understood the whole thing of "becoming friends". There are people I meet that I suddenly just "click" with if you will. Neither one of us has to work at it or purposefully say- I want to be THEIR friend -it just happens. I notice that with those friends, they are the ones that STAY or come back. They are friends that you can go forever not talking to and than one day catch up and feel like you've never not talked. I'm fortunate to have a few of those in my life. I'm gonna mainly just do some really good friend quotes that I've found and if your having relationship difficulties maybe you can ponder on them and figure out what's up for yourself.

"People change, whether deliberate or chemically induced. Just because you change doesn't mean I don't like you."

"True friendship isn't being inseperable; its being seperated and nothing changes."

"A friend is one who knows, and loves us anyway."

Sometimes people change without rhyme or reason or explaination. I think a true friend needs to understand that and patiently wait. If things change drastically, it might not be so easy to wait and friendship - bound or not - may leave us. It is at these times where we face the questions - did I do something? did I miss something? Unfortunately what we have to realize is that it takes TWO to be friends, both working from both sides. We needn't blame ourselves for someone else's actions, mistakes, or problems - but be there to share them with them when they are ready to acknowledge them and move forward. Just make sure you don't stand on the track too long that a friend while leaving, runs you down along the way.

Pfft.... can't win for losing... ha ha

Making a joke at the title without even realizing - hmm guess I am somewhat awake. =]
Why is that a joke? Well cuz I started excercising again- yay me - only crunches and push ups and what happens? I start to spot >.< ok hello? That's just stupid. So - do I keep excercising and lose weight like I'm really, really wanting to do and put up with endless spotting and cramps? or do I just say to heck with it I'm fat and continue hating myself =]. Hmm what a dilema =P.

You will please note by this posting that it is still in the am time frame; however, it is NOT 3am like normal. YAY - well for today anyway. =]

Not really sure what I'm posting today, just felt like I should, so I guess it will show up =]. With this excercise thing, its almost feeling like I'm not taking my pills >.< not a good thing. So its put me in the mood of, who am I? I really, REALLY hate being waffley. Before I die I would really like to know how to have a heathly self-esteem. Not overly confident and not pitiful - just healthy. Accepting who I am and not caring what others think. Right now I keep going up and down. One day my brain tells me all is good, I have friends, this outfit doesn't make me look tooooo fat and than the next day its as if the world has crashed in on me. Why would I think that person liked me - me of all people - what makes me so special? No, no matter what I do, I am fat - no outfits gonna hide that. ARGH! Very frustrating, very irritating - and knowing me I'm honestly not looking at it as an attitude but more as - reality. Meh, enough about that.

Oh what do you do?!? Chaos...

When you look around the world and see all the pain and suffering and don't know why. When someone you love is horribly wronged - how do you answer how can God let that happen? How do you stop those you love from making mistakes that could ruin their life and do you really have the right to? How do you collect all your faith and trust and place it in the Lord's hands that all will be well and sense and good will prevail when it feels that all is lost? Faith in love? Faith in faith? Faith that your love is strong enough.... that good is an overwhelming power over evil - well deserved or not. It doesn't work to shut your eyes and pray it goes away. It doesn't work to supposedly "not know" anything when your head and your soul are screaming in agony.

There are blessings in this life... whether you believe that is what they are or not. There are gifts people give you without a thought - their life, their love, their protection, their trust. Who are we to trample any of those under our feet - forsaking all for one or is that what should be done? Sometimes life lessons feel too hard to bear, yet there seem to be those much stronger than I that keep getting challenged over and over and over again. I crumble just to listen, my soul bleeds and I pray for strength - not just for them but for me - to be able to help them and hold them up until they can regain strength on their own. There is always a better way. There are always two sides and more than one way to reach the end of a goal. Our favorite hero's from past western's are those that defend those they love - every woman's wish and every man's desire for the woman he loves. What is our world coming to or is it that I have just sat blindly not wanting to notice? Why do some feel they are invincible and can do as they please? It sounds very human of me to want to see that judgement day and watch many people throughout time writhe in agony and get their just desserts. Why is that bad of me? Because I am to be Christlike, forgiving and if I do not forgive it eats away me - it damns me. It places me in a hell that isn't meant for me, it makes me not forgive me; therefore, I cannot love me and will than be incapable of loving anyone else fully.

I don't know why, but there is peace. There shouldn't be but there is and for a moment I am grateful for it. I am grateful for passionate, caring friends and family who see wrongs and do their best to make them right. I am grateful they take necessary time to think and find sensible solutions instead of turning worlds upside down unnecessarily.

I am so there....

know that commercial? =]

Ok so my hubby called me (not unusual thankfully) and asked if I was caught up on blogs >.< no. So I caught up inbetween carpool pick ups today. You know that place where you have to decide to wear your "mask" or let people see who you really are?..... yeah, I am soooooo there.
Therefore, I am putting my book that I haven't touched in MONTHS back on line and if you truely honestly, want to read it occasionally, let me know I will send you the link.

With Valentines Day being tomorrow and with reading Amber's blog - I dedicate this posting to my wonderful hubby. The Lord in all his wisdom sent me this wonderfully patient man, the only person I seriously believe could or would put up with me in this life. No matter what my thoughts, my inclinations or stupidity my mind brings forth, I could honestly never see myself with anyone but my dear Deano. Husbands of depressed women are rare and exceptional creatures - they love us and just want us to be happy and don't understand that the way we feel has NOTHING to do with them or the love we feel for them. I'm grateful each day I wake up and see have Dean willing to come home after work, even if home isn't the happiest place on earth that day or if his wife is crying or screaming because - well.. who knows why>!>! So for my sweetheart on sweethearts day... I love you and pray for your eternal happiness - cuz you will definately deserve it.

Anyway- yeah yesterday was one of those days. I like Alisha, think I'm having an allergic reaction to Augmention that I was on - lets see 1875 mg a DAY for 10 days - ya think?!? I cannot stop ITCHING! My palms, my fingers, my ears, my scalp, my neck - UGH - yeah Benadryls a great thing but not so hot when your an innsomniac >.<. Not sure if its Valentines, that time of month, medicines - what but the last couple of days I've just been unhappy. No other word for it - no one's fault but mine and the "committee" (my therapist calls it) in my head (no I don't hear voices =P ) that tells me what a failure at life I am. Than someone will send me something that will boost my spirits and make me happy - than I look in the mirror, ugh - starts all over again. I have beautiful Valentines Day flowers sitting next to me on my desk =D my favorites from my favorite guy - they make me happy - stupid thing is, is it enough?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack..........

wow that could be scary! =] (poltergeisty)

Wow, sleeping for only 5 hrs on Sunday and having a bum massage actually enabled me to sleep last night and tell my body to go BACK to sleep the 3 times it tried to wake up in the early hours. Yay me! lol I know that sounds really funny - a bum massage but its actually very painful! If you talk to my massage therapist Kimberly (deep tissue) she would tell you I have knots in ALL parts of my body - including my TOES! Well my leg fidgets have gotten to where natural relaxants don't do a thing like they used to - so when I'm exhausted and think YAY sleep- my LEGS say no - UGH! So I'm figuring out that my hips/buttocks are WAY TOO TIGHT (if only they looked it- rofl) and some very painful pressure points helps to relax the muscle that runs down the back of my leg and causes the fidgets. And no - that's no where I want to put Cryoderm >.<. So, I'm not wheezing anymore - the pnuemonia part seems to be gone - NICE! I still have the dragging cough and now stomach pains from MAJOR anitbiotics and steriods. Oh well, I can breath - I am grateful! Was catching up on everyone's blogs =]. LOVE the greenhouse Alisha - you are such an amazing woman to me and Emma doing great on her audition doesn't surprise me at all - she's just like her mom =]. I'm glad you've found your spot again Reb - its good to hear that your happy. Everybody else must be like me and can't think of anything to blog - lol - hopefully that's it and not that your sick >.<.

So my eyes were opened the other day a bit - a smidgeon of understanding was given. I'm not that person so I can't TOTALLY understand but I was given a viewpoint that I hadn't had before. What happens when reality/fantasy criss cross in your life? You become a confused jumbled mess me thinks. So many people that play on my online game - its their LIFE - seriously, this game is their escape from their life and they've created a second life in game. But here's the problem, there are REAL people still in either life and no matter what is built where, it will still affect your real life. I've learned alot from some of my friends on there - #1 how to be grateful I have the life I do and when to walk away when something gets too complicated and can't be seperated anymore. So many other people on the game continually struggle with both of those things... I'm glad its an escape for me - but a mind numbing something something to do to try to relax... nothing else.

Hmmm... now if I could just stop thinking and sleep???

So I was good, I've been sick all week and spent MOST of my time in bed >.<, but no, not sleeping. Pretty hard to sleep when your own wheezing keeps you awake - gah, its worse than someone snoring! And I can sleep with that >.<. So after I start coughing stuff up today, made my Dr appt for later this morning, I was good and went upstairs at 10:30 pm to go to sleep. I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to crash. Pfft. Than my mind starting going 30 mph, I wrote a poem in my journal, than that wasn't enough, I had to come down and blog and facebook - I think I was supposed to email but nah- I'm not feeling that anymore.

Anywho, I FINALLY received a confession tonight that was kinda hard to hear but at the same time not. Lemme explain. A very good online friend and I went our seperate ways 6 months ago. It seriously about killed me, I'd grown very, very attached to this person - even considering him family. The thing that I finally figured out that hurt so much - WASN'T that we parted but that he'd been asking for months to let him help me (with my depression) and than when I needed him and was willing to let him - he left. This is one of my "strange" relationships that I literally "know" this person - maybe not the person you see on the street - but his soul and what he can become. Interestly enough, he knows me back. Interesting because he doesn't understand "why" he's attached to me or "how" he knows me, and since he doesn't believe in God or spirituality - it's a little hard for me to explain - cuz he won't understand or accept it. So we have a mutual friend that is going through some rough spots right now. He was discussing with me his point of view - and I admit, it was rather harsh. However, it allowed me to ask a question that he's been avoiding for 6 months - is that what happened to us - and the answer was yes. Now the harsh thing is, he believes that he only needs his family and his girlfriend in this life to make him happy. If you upset him or blame him for things he doesn't feel he's done - he just "sheds" you and you are gone. He doesn't like "feeling" - and I mean "feeling". Here was my kicker ....... imagine..... I make him feel. 0.0 LOL, ok so I'M smart enough to know that its the Spirit of Christ he's feeling when he talks to me - but he isn't and so when I upset him by speaking the truth 6 months ago - it hurt. So he shed me, or so he thought. I would recieve a one sentence email once a month with a question that now I'm sure- him knowing how I would answer - was to ensure that he could still be at a distance. Than, through different circumstances, I got him to chat with me and admit that he really DIDN'T have a reason to be mad at me. So tonight we again, retruced - no fits from me, no fits from him - pure acceptance of who each other is. It will rebuild and grow stronger I know - just as I knew, he wasn't really gone - another reason it hurt.

So, my other friend who has "deleted" me from his life - just wanted to fight one night and than said "Have a nice life" and removed me from facebook, AIM and MSN. Wow - and it DIDN'T hurt! Major, MAJOR shocker as he too is one that I've adopted into my family and know really well. But on this one, I think I learned from the above, it's a different relationship. This one REALLY was a friend. So weird to have a friend that could literally be my son but nice - cuz it gives life a different perspective and helps me with my own boys. Dean even commented on this one....... He'll be back. I found that very interesting coming from my husband - but I know that he is usually right, for I know this also - just don't know when.

Ok so I've rambled and told my looooooooong stories - he he. There is a point I promise. This friend that is going through a rough spot has also tried to distance herself from me and actually EVERYONE in her life over the past week. But she doesn't really want to, its a cry for help, and I won't let her delete ME from her life. In Stake Conference last week Dean said they talked about how we all need each other .... ALL, not just saints, not just Christians..... ALL. It's not just the families that Satan has started attacking - its friends, neighbors, everyone. We DO all need each other - that's how I sustain my strength, my hope, my love, and my committments. I sustain them by borrowing a little from you, leaning a little on someone else, and giving and receiving the love that everyone desires. Think about your life.... think about your friends... the people that have touched your life - good or bad -- they have made you who you are today, take that lump of clay and mold it now into the person you want to be. Hold close to those around you to help shave off the rough edges, accept who you are and who other are wholeheartedly. You can't change what's happened but you CAN change your future, who you are, who you take there with you. Think about it.