They are here and Santa's on his way!

Everyone is here.  I think the dogs are taking over though. 

We had on and off snow from noon on but I doubt there will be more than a couple of inches accumulated by morning.  I really need to go to the grocery store tomorrow but I really don't want to cook.  Humph?  I'll try to psych myself up for it, at least the potato rolls!

Waiting on the arrival

 Christmases Past and Present
Angel multimedia painting 2009, Trent and Pugly Christmas 2004, Poinsettias past, and painting lamp and tree past.

I work part of the day tomorrow.  Gay says we'll shut her down when the weather starts getting bad.  I would imagine that most of my day will be spent waiting on the arrival of Brett and his family.  Jentri has been under the weather but Brett said tonight that she's travel worthy now.  I'm hoping that they head out early as it is possible that the weather here will be pretty bad by late afternoon.

As much as I dread it, I suppose I'll be at the grocery store tomorrow afternoon.  AARGH!  Not only is it time for cooking all the Christmas goodies but the crazies that think two inches of snow require that you purchase 2 weeks of food, will be there with me.  Bah-hum-bug!

Christmas 2009

I can't believe that it is Christmas.  I can't wait for 2010. 

As much as I look forward to the celebration of Jesus' birth and the gathering of family, I wish for the last day of 2009 to be come and gone.  The year was filled with loss as Trent showed mental decline which seemed daily.  I know I worried daily about things I couldn't control, yet, I never thought that October of 2009 would hold Trent's last days. 

My grief did not begin with Trent's physical body's death but with his loss of logic, his loss of loving, his loss of memory and memories.  My grief has not stopped with the loss of Trent's physical body's death, but it has begun to let us heal and keep our best memories of him.  I thank God that he had a loving home for Trent to return to and that God still loves and shelters Trent's earthly family.

First Holiday

The first holiday without Trent has come and gone.  Several times I had thoughts of him, his favorite holiday food, going past Millersview, and thinking I needed to call to see what he'd done while I was out of town. 

Garrett and I chose to go south to Kerrville and spend this Thanksgiving with my "sister" by choice, Chris and her family, Paul and Katie, my adopt-a-niece.  We had a great time with tons of delicious food, drink, conversation and laughs.  We traveled to both Comfort and Fredricksburg.  Comfort held the most antique shopping and unique items.  Fredricksburg was having their "Country Peddler Show" but it was disappointing by comparison. 

Garrett and I talked quite a bit during the driving.  I seem to have lost my ability to take off on a long trip and not nod a single time.  I lasted about 2 hours and then I would have a horrible time keeping my eyes open and Garrett would have to take over.  Garrett was the champion sleeper when he was young.  If the car rolled, his eyes closed but I'm afraid the tables have turned.  He certainly drove more than he would have liked.

Katie

I do feel blessed with family and friends.  We were able to enjoy ourselves and our friends.  I certainly wouldn't mind doing it again!

Note the inquiring statement below. I signed up for mobile posting. I didn't realize that it was already posting. Sure am glad I didn't embarrass myself too much.

I'm trying to coordinate my technologies. It may take awhile.

What?

Wasting No Time

Seems like I've managed to get to the "wasting no time" phase.  I'm settling in at work and have managed to set up some training for the staff regarding autism for the near future and getting CEU's for them.  It has been awhile since I've been in presentation mode but it kinda has my juices flowing just thinking about it.

I've also managed to whittle down the piles of bills and paperwork that amass following a death in the family.  I didn't say they were gone, just whittled down a bit.  I think I'll get through it all.  The bills really never go away as the arrival of the next one is only a day away. 

Sounds like the arrival of winter is Sunday if the weatherman has it right.  I've still got leaves falling like crazy and we'll be piling snow on top of them.  I'm not sure I'm ready for the cold and wet.  I know Cookie and Pugly won't be.  Pugly does not like his toes wet at all.  You literally have to push him out the door in any type of moisture. 

It has been a while now

It has been a month this coming Monday since Trent passed away.  I think I'm doing pretty well.  Our situation was very different though.  I had lost Trent in small increments for 5 years.  Trent's physical body showed no evidence but he was not the companion that most husbands can be.  

I haven't found myself to be lonely.  I have lots of friends calling or coming by to see me and I don't think that will stop for awhile.  I truly have so many wonderful friends who have seen me through all of this.  

I do find myself avoiding the paper work of death.  I'll start and then it requires a trip to one of the hospitals.  That seems to be my trigger to put it away for today and avoid the issues for one more day.  I've told many people that I will be okay it just isn't today.

Halloween and other Whimseys

http://ccswhimsies.blogspot.com/

I absolutely love looking at this blog.  I marvel at the creativity.  I hope you will be able to watch the You Tube and marvel as well.

And, I think I'm doing well since Trent's passing.  Oh, I miss him terribly but had been missing my Trent for a long time.  I try to remember our times with the boys growing up and when he was coaching rather than the last year of his life.  Our God is a wonderful God and Trent has had an opportunity to meet him!

October 9, 2009 and October 12, 2009

After 46 days away from home and 7 different placements, which included 2 nursing homes, 2 ICU stays, 2 stays at a psychiatric hospital for medication management, and Jan Werner Adult Day Care, Trent is now resting in peace with his Maker.  I can't imagine his confusion and fear during this time and yet no other options were available.  We prayed for a peaceful passing and it finally came on October 9, 2009, with services to follow on October 12, 2009.

Our small church was packed for his service and our pastor made it such a personal celebration of the best of his life.  I am so grateful for all the well-wishers, the cards, the flowers, the food, the people in attendance at the service and every moment we had with Trent before his illness took over his mind.  We are truly blessed.  God is in control and his timing is perfect. 

http://www.amarillo.com/stories/101109/obi_obit18.shtml

September 30

Trent is a restless soul tonight. His intake has been a couple of glasses of water through the night thus far. I fear his slipping away but know he'd ask to be taken. I feel your continued thoughts and prayers. Trent is a child of God, a man of great strength, a leader of young men, and a faithful friend to a few.

September 28

It has been over a month since the seizure. Everyday seems to produce decline. Trent doesn't focus on anything. He can't communicate. He doesn't recognize us. He's not resting. His behavior is more and more aggressive. He attempted to throw himself out the window in his room.

I've asked for an MRI but how to do it is the question. I assume he'd have to be sedated. I don't know if they can do that.

We've exhausted places nearby to take him even in an Alzheimer unit. He's atypical and there has been more conversation about his needing a place that deals more with head injury.

I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I continue to pray that God's will be done. I pray that I have the strength to deal with tomorrow.

Letter to Senator Cornyn

September 25, 2009

United States Senator John Cornyn

5005 LBJ Freeway, Suite 1150

Dallas, Texas 752444

Dear Senator Cornyn,

My last letter to you was a letter of appreciation dated April 3, 2008.  My husband, Morris Trent Phipps, was in attendance at Jan Werner Adult Day Care in Amarillo, Texas, until August 24, 2009.  On that date he suffered a grand mal seizure and was transported to Baptist Saint Anthony’s Hospital by ambulance.  He was admitted and spent 7 days in ICU there.  Trent was in soft restraint for 5 of the 7 days that he was hospitalized.  When he was stable and the seizures were controlled, the process of looking for long term care became our goal.

Our journey to find a long term healthcare facility that has space, will take Trent, and keeps him in his community is still not satisfied.  Upon discharge, he was allowed to become a resident at the Seville Estates on a 30 day trial.  Although the staff spoke positively about his adjustment, at the end of 2 weeks, I received a call that he would be placed elsewhere at the end of that day because he had been displaying aggressive behavior.  At that time, the staff at the Seville, which is in Randall County, indicated that when the medical management was complete, Trent might be able to return to the Seville.  Trent was then court ordered by Judge Houdashel into Northwest Texas Healthcare’s psychiatric hospital, The Pavillion, for an 8 day stay for medication management. 

The psychiatrist determined that he was easier to redirect, less restless, and no longer exhibiting aggressive behavior.  Discharged to what facility?  The Seville evaluated and observed again and refused to take Trent.  The Cottages and Ware agreed to take Trent and had a bed.  By 9:30 the next morning, Ware had refused him.  The Cottages agreed to take Trent at that point and I began filling out the paperwork.  The director spent a great deal of time with me and led me to believe that they had such specialized training, a smaller staff to patient ratio, and a history of taking difficult patients and making it work.  With some sense of relief and a belief that knowing Trent had had a great number of changes in a brief period time, they would provide him time to adjust.  I left feeling that this place would use that “special training” and patience to give him time to adjust.  Again, by 10:30 the next morning, The Cottages had called and Trent was being moved yet again.  The Cottages called the police to pick Trent up and he literally had no place to go.  The emergency room was not appropriate for admission. Trent was not physically ill.  The Cottages had not gotten a court order to place him the psychiatric hospital.  We, the policemen, myself, the hospital chaplain, and Trent sat under the awning at the Pavillion while it rained for an hour.  The Pavillion finally allowed us into the waiting room area and hospital security came to help us while we had no place for Trent.  The Potter County Judge, Judge Ware, feels that if a person cannot sign themselves in, they are not appropriate for the Pavillion.  So there would be no court ordered placement into the Pavillion.  At 4:30, with all the CEO’s of the hospital being notified, Trent was given a medical emergency admission for the weekend through his psychiatrist.  Trent will be released on Monday.  At this point, he may be going to a nursing home in Pampa because they have a psychiatric hospital and a judge that will court order into the facility for treatment.  I can not get the psychiatric medical management through Potter County’s jurisdiction. 

At this time, Trent is responding to the treatment.  He has assistance available.  He recognized me for the first time in two weeks.  He needs a nursing home placement, preferably within his community.  I do not know what Monday holds for either of us.

If you have avenues that we have not exhausted, please let me know.  I need my husband to be safe and cared for in order to continue this journey.  I again appreciate your concern for my husband, Morris Trent Phipps. 

Sincerely,

Donna Phipps

Only four weeks?

Well, let's see----In the past four weeks, Trent has had a grand mal seizure, been in ICU for a week, moved to a nursing home.  I lost my job. Trent is now in a psychiatric hospital where they are trying to regulate his meds so that he can go back to the nursing home. I vacillate from crying to hopeful to full of despair within each hour.  I have 2 agencies interested in me for employment and another interview next week.  Can we help Trent?  He looks so bad and the nursing home said he was not sleeping well at all but the aggression is why he is where he is.  I ask for your prayers for Trent to be truly cared for and that he is safe as well as those with whom he must live in their presence. 

Emotional Rollercoaster

I've not ever been this low. A number of circumstances have come together that have left me emotionally devastated. I believe with all my heart that this is not the work of God but the work of evil in our world. God's plan will be revealed and I put my faith in that.

Emotional Day

The boys and I and a very dear friend moved Trent into an Alzheimer's unit (Memory Walk) at the Seville. We are guaranteed only 30 days. At that time they will re-evaluate him and we'll sit on pins and needles again. I will have to continue to look for a place in fear that this might not work out.

God and Trent provided a blessing for me. I just knew that I couldn't leave him without breaking down. I walked him down to his room. He was very tired and laid down on the bed. I rubbed his back just a minute and he fell sound asleep. I was able to walk away upset but not having upset Trent. He truly doesn't recognize that he's not where he was yesterday and his memory is such that he only knows the second that he's in.

I know that the boys and I will be okay, but it is not today. I won't go into work this week. My supervisor had already cleared my schedule. I still have a list as long as my arm to take care of before going back to work next Tuesday. I hope I will have replenished a great deal of sleep and gained some level of composure before going back. I definitely need to get back to work both for the money and the opportunity to be providing a service to others.

Please know that I have felt your prayers and God is definitely in charge and responsive to our needs. Thank you.

Saturday

The functional assessment is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I don't feel very comfortable that Trent can pass it. He is unable to perform a 1 part instruction or task. Since the catheter is out he hasn't urinated or asked to go. He fed himself tonight and did a pretty good job. He has walked pushing a wheel chair but not walked without holding on to something. I could list a number of other concerning things but I know you can see that he is very impaired. The doctor has confirmed that Trent is in end stage Alzheimer's which could typically last 3 months to 3 years. I ask that you continue to pray that Trent's needs be met.

Things Changed on Monday

I plan to keep this short. Monday morning at 7:15 Trent had a grand mal seizure lasting over a minute and a half. He was transported by ambulance to the hospital and he has been there since. Nothing like hearing your husband of 38 years is in end stage Alzheimer's. Medication changes to control behaviors, medication changes to control seizures were settled on and the goal began to find placement in an Alzheimer's unit. Listen carefully, you aren't doing the elderly with Alzheimer's any favors by keeping them at home until you can no longer care for them. Of the units in Amarillo, only 3 would take all stages of Alzheimer's patients and only one has Medicare or Medicaid beds available. Private pay is the only answer and then you go to a nursing home that has Medicaid beds. I can probably pay for my husband in the private pay facility for a year. I've decided to make my decision on placement with what I think is best for today. I have no predictable view of what the future holds for him. My boys are coming to help move their Dad. It will probably be much like a funeral. Please pray for strength that we can gain from one another.

Which Way to Crazy

Well, I so hoped that the medication change would take away the volatile behavior. Be careful what you wish for as you are likely to get something equally bad.

Yesterday was my first full day with Trent since the medication change. He acted like he was about to cry all day. I was never out of his sight or he was calling my name and looking frantically for me. I didn't brush my teeth or change my clothes that he wasn't calling for me. I've said before that with Trent coaching all those years, he spent 33 years teaching me to be alone. And now he says he just wants to be with me, glued to my side. By three o'clock I was threatening to give him a sleeping pill if it didn't stop.

Then at 5:00 this morning while I'm still sleeping on the couch with my shoulder. I feel eyes looking at me. Yes, Trent is standing over me and wants to know if I saw that flashing thing that went over here and back again. No, I never managed to get him back to bed so my day started earlier. So today he's been just behind me all day long again. "Donna, I just want to be with you. Why won't you let me be with you?" All I could say was that I had been here all day yesterday and today. I don't know whether he hallucinates or not but what he says has very little to do with anything I'm aware of. He hasn't been able to dress or bathe himself. Bathing, he tells you he's just done it. And getting dressed? He either throws what I've put out in the dirty clothes and then has no underwear on but several shirts.........

I'm going back to the very expensive Alzheimer's Cottages tomorrow to see if they have any openings. I think if they do, I may have to pay the unbelievable fee while we wait for an opening at the Craig else I'll go crazy.

Today's Appointment

Today's appointment was rushed. I had to fly from work to pick up Trent. When we got there, the receptionist said they would get us in but that the Dr. was on call and might be up to an hour wait. Well, it was only 50 minutes. We rushed through the pertinent information and made some medication changes and wants to see us back in a week. He said we needed to talk about a short term goal and a long term goal. In the short term, we needed to try to find a way to control the anger and associated behaviors. In the long term, he wanted to know how long I could keep this up. I said I didn't know that I've lost my feelings of safety but that the Craig had said 6 to 12 months and I've already waited two. I asked if he might have any influence to expedite the process but he just referred me back to coming back in a week to see how the medication change might be working. And so we wait and hope that the aggressiveness can be controlled. Please continue to pray that Trent's needs can soon be met.

Appointment Next

I finally got in touch with the doctor's office today. They are going to work us in tomorrow around 1:00. Thank Heavens!

What's Next?

Trent is really have a time of it. Expression and comprehension skills do not relate to context anymore. He's belligerent and aggressive. Yesterday, I was trying to fix something in the bedroom and asked him to move so I could get to it. When he didn't move, I took his shoulders to turn them in the direction that I needed him to move. He proceeded to pin me to the bed and threaten to hurt me. I'd never seen his eyes like that. In my calmest voice, I just kept repeating to him that he wouldn't hurt me until he got up.

My fear is that Jan Werner is going to say that they won't keep him because of the behaviors and yet, the nursing center won't have space. I called the nursing center to check on the "waiting list". Not the news I wanted. I've been waiting 2 months so far. They told me that the wait is usually 6-12 months. Have a call into the psychiatrist to look at meds again. The most recent change in meds was 3 weeks ago. I hope that the meds are the culprit and we can find the right combination we need to control the aggression. Tonight he's been up four times since he went to bed and changed clothes each time. The last time he had on my knit crop pants. Not pretty, funny, but not pretty. Please include Trent's needs in your prayers if you can.

Today's Visiting Dragonfly

This one was a bit more skittish than the last one. I did get a few good photos but could get nowhere as close as the Flame Skimmer. This dragonfly is the Twelve Spotted Skimmer. His wingspan is probably 3-4 inches and the spots glisten when he flies. He has an irregular flight. He looks like he is going into a tail spin any minute.

Returning Home with the stool

I had a wonderful weekend in Eagle's Nest, N.M. The weather was glorious, the company was amazing, and the food was plentiful. We painted like crazy and came home with a beautiful stool with a lid that allows for storage.

Garrett stayed with Trent. He didn't complain but I bet it was rough. One afternoon Trent went into the garage while Garrett was in the shower and couldn't hear the commotion. It set off the alarm system. By the time I got the message from Sandy and called Garrett, Garrett was already dealing with the police that had been dispatched.

Today when he got in from Jan Werner's, his talking made no sense. He would get a drink of water, pour out half the glass, then walk away. Then turn right around and do it three more times. I've escorted him back to bed 3 times tonight and each time he has awakened he's put on clean clothes. I suppose that he thinks it is morning each time he wakes up.

Jan Werner's Adult Daycare called me right before I left for Eagle's Nest to let me know of a change of behavior and apply some pressure for me to get home and be waiting on them each afternoon. Tuesday is my hardest day to get home by 4:00 p.m. When my last patients leave at 3:45 and I still have progress notes to write, charges to get in, and Therapy Tracker (affectionately known as Slacker Tracker), it is literally impossible to get done in 15 minutes and get across town. Trent has begun to become aggressive if he has to wait on our driveway until I get there. I've suggested that they not park until my car is in the driveway. They think that he'll recognize his house and get aggressive then. I wish they'd try it. The threat was there with "Well, Mrs. Phipps, we don't want his aggressive behavior to prohibit him from the priviledge to come to Jan Werner's". Feels like I've just gotten a call from the principal to report my son. However, I pay over $900 a month for this privilege. The rest of the call was to report that he is eating inedibles, beads, plastic, etc. I haven't seen this behavior at home, but I don't doubt it.
Add some worry and pressure to my already stress-filled life, okay?

Painting on my mind

Have more packing to do in the morning, but I'm going to go on to sleep and finish up in the morning. The plan is to pick up Tammy around 10:00 in the morning and point the car to New Mexico. Most of you know, I'm so anxious to go paint and put my feet up for the weekend. Garrett will be taking care of things here. I'll be posting pictures when I get back. Yippee!

Eagle Nest Week has arrived

Thursday is Depart Day! Tammy and I are planning to take off about 10:00, eat at Dalhart, and cruise the spots of interest on the way up. We both have our pieces basecoated. I have my pattern on and Tammy is likely doing hers right now. I have a ton of laundry to get done and I'll try to pack Tuesday and Wednesday night. I guess most of you that read the blog even periodically know that I relish a little time away. It feeds my creativity. I hope it renews me to continue the caregiving that still lies ahead of me each day.

Each time I start planning to leave, I wonder how Trent will do. I think Garrett will handle it well but I don't know whether Trent will sleep more or pace more. He certainly paced today away and made little sense when he would try to say something. If I had had any groceries in the house to speak of, he would have eaten all he could find. I get nervous and frustrated right behind him at some point. I did pretty well today until about 7:00. I was ready for a break about then but Trent wasn't headed to bed yet. He finally made the turn to the bedroom tonight about 8:30 and I took my first good deep breath.

I don't work tomorrow but do have a doctor appt. Bloodwork and the usual friendly check to renew medications, etc. The physical therapist has put me on my honor with my exercises. My range was really good when she measured. She thinks by Friday my strength will probably allow me to paint will only a little fatigue if any. Gee, I wish I'd done the surgery right after Christmas to get rid of the pain. Hindsight is 20-20.

Can't wait until Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to be with friends while jabbering and slinging a paint brush!

Another week passes

Another week passes and we hear nothing from the retirement/nursing center for Trent or Mom. Trent had another Doc appt. and once again, he's changed some meds. I think our hope with this change is to see if we can reduce the amount of pacing and attempting to leave. We started that regiment on Saturday. I felt like we reduced some of the agitation and pacing. We'll see if it was anticipated or real in a few days.

My week at work went okay with the light duty. I go to the Dr. tomorrow morning and we'll see what he thinks about increasing the work load. I hadn't had much pain, just soreness over the past week. Then last night at 3:00 in the morning, I woke up with my shoulder killing me. I got up to take some pain killers but it didn't really let up until about an hour and a half after I got up. Maybe I was sleeping on it wrong. I'm still in the recliner and I didn't think there was but one position really.

I'm getting very excited about my painting excursion in Eagle's Nest beginning the 6th of August. I may not be able to paint till my heart's content because the shoulder is not in shape for it. But the rest of me is ready to go and have 3 extreeeeemely restful days in the mountains of New Mexico. My work friend/painting buddy, Tammy will be my travel partner and we are sure to have a great time. We'll be staying with Sandra Mc along with the teacher, Rosemary West, and 2 other painters. Her home is gorgeous, right on the lake, and she's a wonderful, relaxed hostess. Sandy and I stayed with Naomi, Gail, and Winona (they put the painting excursion on) at Naomi's cabin last year. I haven't laughed so much since then. I can't wait!

Dragonflies Only

Here are more of the pics of the dragonfly that toured the pond all day.

The Sling is Gone

Look carefully at the small orange area on the horsetail fern.

Well, as of Friday, the sling is gone. Would you believe, I miss it. Not the smelly sling but the stabilization it provided. I'm moving on though. I began Physical Therapy on Tuesday with new exercises to do 5 out of 7 days. All of them are still dealing with range of motion. On the 28th I go back to see the doctor and anticipate strengthening exercises beginning on the 31st.

I go back to work on Tuesday with apprehension. I haven't had much luck making it through more than about 1/2 a day before I have to remove the bra and give the shoulder a break, take some Ibuprofen. I'm hoping light duty doesn't mean a patient every 30 minutes. Hope I make it!

Lately the conditions have been perfect for the pond to attract dragonflies and damsel flies. I didn't make it out to the pond to get pictures of the one yesterday before it split. Today though, the Flaming Red Skimmer has been out there for hours and I've ventured out several times with the camera to take a pic or two or twenty. I also got one of the Damsel Fly but they are so small that you just see a little blue line.

The Sling that rules

I've not written lately because the Dr. kept me in the sling for a total of 4 weeks. I have one more week to go. I can start back with a few limitations on the 21st. I can't say that being at home has been all bad. I'm well rested since I adjusted to the recliner sleeping. I've had time at home without having to keep an eye on Trent all the time. That has cut down on stress as being away from the job. I'm not worried about going back to work yet.

I had a real surprise on Friday. My special friend from Uvalde, 9 hrs. away, and her husband called when they were just 10 minutes away from my house. Our time is always special when we are together. Ray is probably Trent's only non-coaching friend. His being here brought about 3 true moments of clarity. It was a special time for Trent as well. Laura and Ray also took over the kitchen and made some "fine" fish, veggies and salad. These 2 are friends like a marriage for 'better or worse'.

I'll stop short now. This hunt and peck typing with the left hand wears me out and I'm terrible at it.

Back to the Doctor Tomorrow

I've made it this far, praise God!

2 weeks in the pillow sling, no driving, and no mass murders!!!!! I can finally get dressed and get myself into the pillow sling. For awhile I tried to teach the dog how to fetch the part of the sling behind my back but I finally came upon a trick. Don't ask me to explain--you'd never believe me unless you witnessed it. You would be laughing hysterically.

I've hitched a ride or sent someone after no fewer than a hundred errands or necessities. I'm hopeful to be able to drive tomorrow. Please cross your fingers that the Dr. thinks that is a good idea!

Doctor visit Thursday

My "Doc" visit was right on time. I should have known that was a bad omen. The news was no driving yet, no return to work yet, no new exercises yet. All of that would seem reasonable if your husband were able to drive or recognize that you need help, one of the boys were closer, or you had someone who could move in for awhile. Every inch of the house needs something put away, a part made in the dirt or dust, and laundry. I was going to fold the laundry and put it away but 1 handed folding only works for towels and my drawers have two handles that I'd be oooching 10 minutes to get anything out. I wasn't worried about food though. People were wanting to bring food and I suggested that they just bring every other day because there's usually enough to get leftovers combined. Well, tonight's chef was busy or forgetful. We, of course, did not starve but it wasn't like we could just run pick something up either.

I could use a little pick me up or I wonder what sheer pampering might feel like. I need to refocus on how helpful people have been. I'll try that when I try to find someone to pick up my medicine and get a ride to an appt. to get a haircut tomorrow. Kim is coming by for an outing tomorrow a.m. She makes me laugh and maybe she can drop me off for a haircut. That's a good thought. Better stop on a good one.

Recovery

My surgery went well but it encompassed a little more than I was anticipating. Dr. Barnhill had to work with the rotator cuff and ligaments but added removing a portion of my collar bone. I've got a great picture of it but i'm not feeling up to scanning with one hand tonight. I GO BACK TO SEE THE 'DOC'on Thursday. I know I'm in my pillowed sling for 3 weeks, but don't know how long I'll be off work. I'm still shaking off the anesthesia with frequent little 15 minute power naps. I am having to rely on friends for many things; food, bandage changes, rides to and fro, changing the pond filter and the list goes on. I am truly blessed with such good friends

I HAVE A SORE SHOULDER AND STRUTTED RIGHT FINGERS. I AM HOPING THAT ATTEMPTING TO FIND A COMFORTABLE POSITION TO REST IS DISCOVERED SOON. I'M GLAD TO GET MY POWER NAPS THOUGH.

A Quick Update

Late night last night for a good reason. A couple of my dear friends regrouped for some creativity and catching up. We gathered our 'stuff' and made cards until rather late but it was mixed with a good wine so who noticed!

Work is work with messiness attached as we are adding staff, changing rooms, and attempting to keep up.

Friday morning I will be taking another step to alleviating pain and regaining the ability to rest well. I'll be having right shoulder surgery. The anticipated results will be outpatient surgery, home by the afternoon, and off of work 10 days. I wish I could tell you I had everything arranged for Trent and Mom. I've had many offers so I'll be trying to arrange them through the next 2 days.

I may not be posting for awhile but I'll certainly be reading everyone else's blogs. So keep me 'posted' and keep us in your prayers.

An Award to be Awe-summm

The rules appear to be listing 7 things that make me awe-summm. That's a tall order.

1. I love to teach decorative painting and have been doing so for 29 yrs.

2. I have deep and lasting friendships in every town I've lived in.

3. I was a professional stadium sitter and have the splinters to prove it.

4. I was awarded Honors of the Association for 2009 by the Panhandle Regional Speech and Hearing Association.

5. I love ALL types of music and believe that you can't start a car unless there's music playing.

6. I have a great desire to teach and support children and families that have needs related to autism.

7. I have found Jesus is with me, sometimes he whispers to me even when I deserve a thump.

Now, I'm to provide you with a link to Cowgirl at Heart as Charla sent the award.

I am also to award to 7 other blogs. I will have to give some thought to that.
1. Beelieve
2. Andree's Collages
3. Petticoats and Spurs

Ole Blue is leaving us

It has been a good truck but it's time with us is over. Trent has always been hard on his vehicles, many dents, scrapes, and cracked windshields. This little '93 Toyota will only be residing across the street. David will be turning 16 and his Dad cautiously wants him driving something that he can't really do damage to. Looks like Ole Blue fits the bill.

Since Garrett sold his house, the truck has been back in our driveway. I didn't know if Trent would remember it. Yes, he has and he keeps questioning where his keys are and telling me he's going after something. I'm not sure having it in the driveway across the street will be a good thing. I'll have to be calm and creative if he notices.

David may not think that the old truck is so great but you always remember your first vehicle.

Bye Ole Blue!

Time with family over Memorial Day

Landry has Memaw's love for creating. So now every time they come I get out the card making supplies. He creates a card for everyone while he's here. He has great fun especially since at Memaw's there is a place to make a mess and come back to it to make even more cards.


We had a scurrying of family during the Memorial Day Weekend. I was certainly glad they all came. We had the 2 grandchildren, the 2 sons, one daughter-in-law, and Trent's 2 sisters. I will add some of the pictures from the weekend.







This is Trent's youngest sister, Lyndia, with Jentri. Her hair was 'a la naturale'. She is 10 months old, beginning to stand alone and saying first words.

Time

Well, I visited another Alzheimer's Unit at the Craig on Friday. I was given a very nice tour and saw a couple of the speech therapists that work with this population. As much as I may be scouting for a job, I don't think the geriatric population is one I would adapt to. It was the same way when I was teaching an Early Childhood class with a 3 year old of my own. It is hard to separate home and work that way. It is a quick way to burn out. I had them put Trent's and Mother's names on the list at the Craig. No idea how long the wait might be. I hope it isn't too long. Yet it would be better if it weren't until after Trent's next birthday.

Haven't been sleeping very well at all because of my shoulder and Trent's comedy routine with his CPAP. I think tonight I'll add that sleeping pill to my evening pills and hope that Trent doesn't beat me getting up. I'll try to add more tomorrow. I have to be at the computer most of the evening tomorrow night paying bills for our household and Mom's.

The Narrowing of 2 Months

Time won't stand still.

I've spoken with our elder lawyer. We will begin the Miller's Trust paperwork after we put Trent and Mother's names on the waiting lists at a couple of nursing centers with Alzheimer's accommodations. I visited The Cottages today and was very impressed with the facility. It is small accommodating only 32 residents. There are 4 cottages that are connected with a large central area. Eight individuals live in each cottage which has 4 bedrooms with double occupancy. Each cottage has a private bathroom and a large bathroom with multiple toilets etc. There is a kitchen in each cottage and dining room for 8. Each cottage also has a large tv room. There was only 1 problem. It is a private pay only facility. There are no Medicaid or Medicare beds. Cost per month is $4,290 per month. Nice, very nice but not affordable at all.

I went by one other place, the Craig, today but the admissions lady was out. I'll call there and Ware Memorial tomorrow to see if I can visit on Saturday or Monday.

Work is not my place to go, work hard and forget about my problems. It is just another problem now. I certainly have gritched about it enough and don't want to poor it all out. Suffice it to say, I am looking for another position. Who knows, maybe I'll see what selling items on Ebay or Etsy might provide and work PRN at Northwest. It is an agonizing time to take on one more decision or a significant decrease in income.

I've finally gotten lots of good pictures of Landry and Jentri. Hopefully, I'll have a few of them for everyone to see.

2 Months

I'm trying again to look at what is best for the 3 of us, Mom, Trent, and myself. It seems I'm always trying to re-evaluate. Sometimes they have been good changes for one but not the other two. I wish there were some clear answers so I would ask you to pray that God can give me more clarity when I make decisions for the next 2 months and beyond, of course. But I do foresee some very important issues to be decided within the next month or two.

Trent's sisters are finally coming to see him over the Memorial Day weekend. I don't know how to give them a true picture. Lyndia always wants to know why things happen, why would Trent do that? I don't know how to tell someone how truly illogical his decisions can be or why he has to have someone watching him 24/7. How do you explain 'sundowning'? Why does he spit out a mouthful of food and then eat everything on his plate? And when you see it, does it make anymore sense? Does it never make you angry even if you do understand he can't help it, can't remember having done anything? Believe me when I say, in spite of having an "academic background" which would say I have a pretty good understanding of what is happening as well as "personal experience" with my Dad, I still get angry, very angry. I know part of it is the anger that I experience because I've lost the future that I hoped Trent and I would have. Part of my anger is at myself because I can't do this alone. A great deal of my anger comes when I just can't take it anymore and there is no one to give it to. Yes, and more. So you breakdown, grab the Kleenex, blow your nose, and say, "Get it together! Come on, right now! Get it together."

Yes, I do have some friends that do help some. However, when I'm at the point I'm talking about, I should have called someone 2 hours earlier either to give myself a reprieve or to help get him to settle down.

I know some of you understand very well my situation. I'm grateful to have your support. Keep praying that I have clarity and throw in more patience, please.

I seem to have found a song that ministers to me tonight. I hope I can add it from Sweet Nothings.

The Week begins on Monday!

Monday I had a tough start to getting to the May Better Speech and Hearing Breakfast. I came into the parking lot with a skid. I had promised I'd be there to the ladies I work with so that I could give an update on the Autism Program at NWTHS. It was a ploy. I was being awarded Honors of the Association. I did my usual sniff-sniff shed tears thing. I've always said that I cry so easily that I cry at grocery store openings. It did make the earlier hassle seem less important. The therapists at the office also gave me a beautiful peace lily and I got my hugs in from the school therapists that I had worked with. It was a very nice honor.

Tuesday and Wednesday have been busy as usual but we are tapping our toes waiting on the one computer that we all crowd around to share is being worked on. It had spyware on it. AARGh! I have enough trouble staying up with the mountain of paperwork without having no computer since Thursday. Okay, guys, git r dun, please!!!

Sunday Blessing

Some things are meant to be. A new follower appeared on my blog this morning. She gave me words of support and from her blog I went to: http://givingandreceivingsweetnothings.blogspot.com
It was a great place to find yourself preparing for the Lord. After an extremely long absence from church services, our new pastor is coming after church to deliver communion to us. The Lord is my strength, Savior, and Redeemer. May God bless you all for completing this Sunday Blessing.

Not Looking Up

Well, it's not looking up around here. It seems that at every turn in the road I've heard "but not your husband" ever since the diagnosis. Trent's too young, Trent's a wandering risk, Trent doesn't qualify for disability under Social Security, Trent's disability policy won't pay for disability on a diagnosis of Alzheimer's, Trent cancelled his life insurance policy and he can't get any now. Did Trent have long term health insurance? Of course not! The other answers-there are only 2 Alzheimer's units that are lock down for my husband, the wandering risk. They are only $4,000 a month, but don't worry, they don't have any openings anyway + there's a waiting list! Without a doubt, today was one of the most discouraging I've ever had.

Yes, I'm setting up to see the elder lawyer to see about a trust as soon as I can, but with no place open until someone either moves or dies in one of the two facilities, it won't solve or relieve anything. I really need a glimmer at the end of this dark tunnel.

That shoulder

This morning I have an appt. with the doctor to get one more injection in my shoulder. I did get about a week and a half of relief from the last one. I guess well see if we manage to get more with this one. I'm not convinced that this is the answer, but I am convinced that this isn't the time for surgery. My plate is full for now.

I am looking forward to tonight's painting class. I will be giving a brief presentation to about 30 pediatricians tomorrow night. Then my work related stresser is just getting my CEU's in order and completing all the training that the hospital requires in your birthday month. Whoo-hoo! Okay, time to get a move on!

A long lonely journey

I guess that you know that my long lonely journey has begun. The Dr. gave me a script, probably not needed, but I have it to seek placement. I stopped by to talk to one of the social workers at Jan Werner and have an appt. to go through options next Friday.

The Dr. and I had a pretty good conversation about the need for more assistance for Trent's care. I thought Trent might have some indication about what we were saying, but on the way out, he asked when we were bringing the dog back. The dread right now is all mine. The boys know they'll be here when the time comes and hopefully Garrett can look at facilities with me.

I did get such a warm feeling about getting back to church though. I just can't tell you how much I've missed it. It just isn't the same to watch First Baptist on TV when you don't have the people in the congregation of my small Presbyterian church to look you in the eye and know that they care.

Keep those prayers going up that Brett and Kristy have a great opportunity to get jobs in Canyon. I know it would be an answer to my prayer. Canyon would give them some space from me but would give me an opportunity to be with Landry and Jentri as they grow up all too quickly. As I well know, there's no certainty in this life, no guarantee that life is what you hoped it would be.

I know there are few with a picture perfect life, but if you are happy with your life right now you need to soak it up!

Avoidance Denial?

I've long since past denial over Trent's disease, but I've been avoiding for a long time. I've avoided having the gut wrenching talk with the psychiatrist about finding a place for Trent. You've heard me moan about feeling entrapped, feeling exhausted, and feeling stress. I've had a hard time with the fact that I'm unable to give Mom and Trent the care each of them deserve. Mom is able to dress and cook something in the microwave and even take her own pills. Trent is not able to do any of that. Mom can answer questions, take part in a conversation. Mom can't remember what day it is but she knows to look at the calendar even though she still can't figure it out.

Tomorrow we see the psychiatrist and it is time to have the dreaded conversation. I don't honestly know what I want to hear.

Our Heavenly Father, we ask You to lay Your healing hand on those who are troubled or sick, that they may be healed and find new health and strength. We Pray for the comfort of the bereaved and for peace of mind to those who are disturbed or restless.

Put Your quieting touch upon our distressed minds that we may become calm. We do not ask to escape the demands of a difficult times, but to be better able to deal with them. Come into our minds and hearts and give us new insights, new understanding and a new view to overcome problems. This we ask in Jesus' name, Amen.

Brett and Kristy are still looking for a place to live and work next year. Today, the Canyon Head Football job came open as well as 2 additional high school coaching positions. This would be answer to my prayer for them to be closer. This would be alot closer. I hope you will pray for this for them. Brett is frustrated and worried as well as Kristy.

My Week

The week passes quickly when I get past Tuesday. Tomorrow I take Mom to get her prep bundle for an upcoming colonoscopy. I'm pretty sure I better plan on having her spend the night with us in order for her not to eat something she shouldn't or forget to take the last bottle of Fleet or whatever they chose to give her. After that, I get my much needed haircut. Then next Friday I take Trent in again. He seems to be spiraling down. I am going to ask those dreaded questions this time about possible placements. Then I'm hoping that Garrett will be able to check some of the places out with me. I've told the boys that I can't take him by myself and won't. When the time comes, they'll be here to help with the move. I may be doing the same for both Mom and Trent. What I know now, I can't give Mom the attention she needs. I think she's loosing weight again and most visits now, I find that she's not making safe choices for herself. She's also been scared by weather events that are pretty ordinary, a simple rain, etc.

On a lighter note, Landry turned 7 Easter Sunday. Kristy finally sent some precious pictures of Landry and Jentri (9 months) and I just have to post them. What else is this blog for? Of course, it is for showing off grandkids!

My Mom and Fu Man

A friend of Mom's took some pictures of her and Fu Man the other night. She had some made and shared them with me. I never think of taking the camera to Mom's house. She looks very well for 87, don't you think? She's about the sweetest thing going!

Hardest day of the year

Today has been one of those days where I shed a few tears at every change in concentration on the present. Tomorrow I have been married 38 years. The past 6 years that athletic man I married has been drifting away. This father of two young men doesn't know his children's names or where they live. His thoughts of me are not of a loving companion, but occasionally he'll ask if something made me happy. My 87 year old mother calls everyday to check on Trent where 7 years ago he went everyday to see her off to the adult day care where they both attend now. Life changes, life is not fair, but love never dies.

More from Garrett's office in Guymon

Well, back to Phipps Dental Practice, Guymon, Oklahoma!

This pic looks beyond 3 operatories to the right that face into the atrium. Garrett's two operatories are immediately to the right. His office is to the left as well as two bathrooms. The door is the back exit.




This is the registration area with Collette, the receptionist/office manager, seated. The bookeeper's area is to the back and left. There is an area though the door that has a microwave, etc. Garrett might like to replace the wallpaper and or border at some point.



This curving hallway has the two hygienists' operatories to the left and one of the areas where they have their molds, etc. to the right. At the end of the hallway is their conference room, table and 8 chairs.



This is the mural and area that the two hygienists' area looks into. The window looks into the business office area. The door is to the room that houses the microwave, etc.



This is the far right corner of the atrium that 3 of the operatories open into. The window to the right looks into the lobby area. The window to the left is the size of the other two windows included in the atrium area. The wall on the far left of the atrium has been left unfinished. All of the plants are artificial. There is soil beneath a plastic liner and the mulch.



This shows the size of the office. I'm standing about halfway out in the parking lot. So the parking lot is huge. You can see that there are large windows that 5 of the operatories look out on to the north. We are very proud for him, of course!!!!!

Our Guymon trip

We left Thursday for Guymon for Garrett to do some dental work on us. He's been in his new office since January 5th and I think the transition is going very well. Garrett began by examining us both. He then decided to clean mine on Thursday and Trent would need cleaning, a filling, and an extraction. Garrett felt that Trent probably would have a really hard time with a root canal and a crown. I couldn't agree more. After seeing him in unfamiliar territory, I learned a great deal these past two days. I hadn't recognized that his motor skills were so impaired. I had to hold his hands to cross the streets and on both places where we had to step down he almost fell. He thought he knew people in all the places that we went. He tried to get a job in one of the hardware stores and he frequently had people looking at his odd behaviors. He pushed the button for tea without having a glass under the spicket I guess for quite awhile until Garrett headed that way. Right before we left, I went with Trent to wash his hands. I put liquid soap in his hand and Trent proceded to put the soap in his mouth. It is so disheartening.

Today we piddled in Guymon. Garrett had asked for a little decorating advice on a couple of things. He has a great huge office with 7 operatories. Some things have become a little outdated and some things never completely were finished from the last remodeling. Here are some of the pictures of his new office:
Front of Office


Waiting Room



I'll post more tomorrow. I am PLENTY pooped and so ready for bed!

Composite Posting

Well, it seems like a lot has happened since my last post. Where does the time go? Of course, I vacillate between wanting it to go away and wanting time to stop.

I had my appt. with my orthopedist today. I thought we had it narrowed down to surgery or surgery but Dr. Barhill put a little different spin on it. He knows my husband well and knows he requires a great deal of my time and attention. He suggested that we try the cortisone injections again. If I have no relief, he wants to give me a second injection in 2 weeks. If I have relief, he wants to give a second injection in 4-6 weeks. He said the site of the injection, the AC joint is hard to hit but if he manages to get it, he's hopeful that we might be able to avoid surgery. And so, I grit my teeth and it hopefully wormed its way into the exact spot today.

My Monday night painting classes are always the highlight of my week. The project we are doing is turning out so well for everyone of my students. I'm so proud of them and how far they have come. Maybe I'll remember to get a class shot of everyone's Hoppy Easter Plaque to show you!

Last week my Etsy purse arrived from 'Gardenhouse'. You know how you fret when you purchase something from a small picture. It looks precious but what if it isn't well made. I love handmade items. I have made so many myself over the years and I have certain expectations of what I do and of those I teach to paint for themselves and others. My expectations were met. The purse is cute, well-made, and I've had at least a dozen people ask where I got it. I love Etsy!




And today---my lurking angels have been at it again. Dee O'Gorman recovering from neck surgery herself, had her mother who was visiting, make the most Divine meatloaf for me last Thursday. I split it with Mom and we all chowed down. And one of the principals that I used to work with, Peggy Frost, called today as I was leaving work to let me know she was leaving lasagna for me on the porch. I got home shortly after she left it still piping hot. Again, Mom gets a homemade lunch also. It is Divine. It is also Divine not to have the scurrying around to get supper on the table before Trent goes to bed at 7:00. I used to feel so bad about accepting things but I've begun to realize that no matter how small or great the gesture, I breathe when they happen. I'm strung so tight so often with the have-to-dos that when those angels swoop in I'm able to BREATHE! Thank you so much. I am so blessed.

Another Day of the Weekend

We are having a 3 day weekend. Friday everything was closed because of the blizzard conditions. Trent was calm and it was peaceful to watch the snowfall. Today the sun came out and the restlessness began. Trent has paced and gone outside in the cold and snow over and over. Every time my eyes are off of him, he's like a child getting into mischief. I go to take a shower and by the time I'm out, he's outside shoveling the snow off of one side of the driveway onto the side that my car is parked in front of. Tonight has been no exception. He broke the tubing that goes to his C-PAP. I couldn't find another one and couldn't find the electrical tape that might hold it so I have painter's tape wrapped hoping it might hold until morning. I'm so exasperated. Trent one minute is saying to take him and drop him off somewhere, he doesn't want to live like this. He doesn't want to make me unhappy. The next minute he can't understand why he can't change the light bulbs. Well, other than the time he decided he couldn't get them out and broke them out with a broom handle, neither can I. I've gotten him ready for bed twice thus far. I helped him shower and get to bed. He was there about 20 minutes when he walks in dressed and telling me he feels much better. Undress again, ready for bed, again. Please let him go to sleep now. Please help him rest well and let me unwind.

Yep, it's the end of March

Yep, it's the end of March and the Panhandle of Texas has its largest snowfall. We had our very own blizzard. All of the roads north and west of us were closed and last night when I went to bed, they were contemplating closing the roads to the south. When I woke up around 5 this morning, the snowing had stopped. The 10:00 p.m. news said we had 11" and there apparently was at least another inch that fell before I woke up.

I love to watch how the dogs react to the snow. Cookie bounds out the door and at full speed sets out to make her rounds near the fence making sure nothing is in 'her' yard. Pugly walks to the door and as blind as he is becoming begins backing up at the feel of the cold. It takes a gentle push and he's turned his head to beg you to stop. He takes two steps and won't move a muscle. He takes two more and then lifts his leg to make his first yellow hole in the snow. He can't quite figure out how to turn around, but when he hears the door open again, he hurries inside. Such characters!

Yesterday, all schools were closed as was the daycare where Trent goes. I worried about how he would do. Eliminating going outside by natural causes, rather than by me, it wasn't too bad. He watched at the door and was okay. He slept a great deal but never reached agitation or anger. What a blessing! Maybe we can get an okay weekend out of the snow.

I wish Landry were here to play in the snow. It would be the perfect day to make a big snowman. The sun is now shining and there's a foot of snow on the ground. He could really make a big one!

Winter Wonderland Tomorrow

Can you believe the Texas Panhandle weather? It is 50 degrees at 10:30 p.m. Starting tonight we will be having rain/snow mix with wind kicking it up. By 8:00 p.m. tomorrow we are likely to have 10 inches of snow and drifts of 10 feet plus. Hang onto your hats because the wind is supposed to blow 50 miles per hour. I'll give you the real scoop tomorrow.

Weekends

I don't enjoy weekends anymore. I'm beginning to think that going to Jan Werner's is his routine now. So when he doesn't get on the bus to go, his world is unknown and his anxiety goes up.

I've got to buy Mom's groceries sometime. Thursday Mom called and was complaining that her selection for her lunch was a choice of 1 or the other. All I could say was, "Well, eat one of them." Trent was already asleep and I couldn't leave him.

So, today I had to get her groceries. I didn't have anyone to stay with Trent so I thought he could watch TV or listen to Mom talk. By the time I got back, which was about an hour, Mom was waiting in the driveway noticeably upset. Mom's explanation was that Trent didn't like her walking around so much. I tried to get Trent to help me carry in the groceries but he kept glaring at Mom. By the time we got home, he and I had had a shouting match in the car and both of us were crying. To make things worse, Mom's Med-minder is broken so I'm having to make a trip over there to see that she gets her meds twice a day.

The pond pump on the pond wouldn't work this afternoon. I'm out trying to figure out what is wrong while Trent is taking a nap or we'll have havoc with him "trying to help me". I called everyone I knew to get help and either I've asked too much of people and they won't answer the phone when they see my number on caller ID or everyone was busy with something else. Around 5 this afternoon, Rusty came down and we managed to get it to run.

It crosses my mind that it is time to look for assisted living or more help for Mom. It crosses my mind that maybe it is time to find an Alzheimer's unit for Trent. Today if one of the boys had been here, I would have gone to look at facilities. Trent's sisters are coming for a visit. Next Saturday, maybe I can go look at some places. I've told the boys that I won't take Trent to a facility without one or both of them. Yeah, when will that happen?

Things that are hard to believe

1. I slept until 9:10 today.

2. I haven't finished all of my projects from last weekend with Maureen McNaughton.

3. My shoulder is showing only minimal improvement after 2 weeks with physical therapy.

4. Trent went to bed at 7:00 p.m. He woke up to eat breakfast when I woke up. He took a shower, ate breakfast, and is already back in bed at 10:00.

5. Trent's psychiatrist changed his medicine some on Wednesday hoping he wouldn't be as agitated and would sleep less. I don't think it is working so far.

6. It snowed an inch yesterday, but it will be in the high 60's by Monday.

7. I'm frustrated with my weight. I'm a stress eater! I'm going to try to loose some weight. I don't want to stress over not loosing enough, etc. I'm not going to set any goals for weight loss. I'm just going to try staying away from sweets for 6 weeks.

8. I'm missing my school friends. I hate not getting to see them more often.

9. Brett, Kristy, Landry, and Jentri aren't able to come down for Spring Break. I'd sure like some hugs from the grandchildren and physical support from Brett and Kristy.

10. Garrett was a champ helping with Trent while I went on my trip.

Another quick note from a 'pooped' traveler

We did have 3 glorious days of painting. I got 2 of the projects finished. The first day I was tough. My shoulder pain was about a 6 on the pain scale, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, but my spirits were not dampened. The next day was much better while today was glorious. We had a great time, met some new painters, and laughed and laughed. We didn't get out of OKC until about 5:30 to arrive home pretty close to 10:00. I'm pretty sure things didn't go as planned here with Garrett, but he was really nice and didn't complain. I know it is a tough drive for him leaving here at 10:00 for a 2 hour drive home. I know that plan didn't pan out. I had asked someone and they had agreed to come at 8:00 Sunday night to let Garrett head on home. They told Garrett that he had e-mailed me. I checked junk mail, deleted mail, and quarantined mail when I got home. I didn't find it. I just hate we didn't have time or way to find someone else.

Need to get to bed. Work tomorrow. AARGH!

I can't talk much

I can't talk much as I'm still washing clothes and packing before leaving for work. I'm getting a much needed break after a horrendous week at work where I saw my supervisor's other personality, not pretty. Garrett is coming in this evening to spend the weekend with Trent. Another friend will fill the gap from 4-8 until Garrett gets here. I'm leaving as close to noon as I can with 3 close friends for a painting seminar in Oklahoma City with Maureen McNaughton. She has fabulous stroke techniques that she is a master at teaching. I've painted once with her a few years ago and can't wait to do so again.

Trent had one tough day yesterday. I'm sure some or all of it is sundowning. He is aggressive, yelling, and I can't decipher any meaning from what he says. Last night he was screaming and in my face saying, "You go two on two. Listen. Who's the third person in here? (while pointing at the light fixture)." It went on for about 3 hours. He threw pillows at me, paper towels, and socks. He'd tell me to get out of the room and then tell me to get back here. At around 8:00 p.m., I called Sandy to come by to see if she could help. She was at Wal Mart and by the time she got here he had basically collapsed on the bed.

It was also Mom's 87th birthday. It was hard to celebrate as Trent was having such a hard time. Mom finally said to me, "Your Dad was never this bad. Donna, I don't know what your going to do." Me either.

Is it Clarity?

Today Trent had one of the days that frustrate me the most. He started his morning saying he didn't like what I fixed for breakfast before I'd fixed anything. He told me he hated that Mexican at school. He finally decided that his name was Jesse. He asked where I'd gone yesterday. He said he didn't like Jesse kissing me. It was agonizingly difficult to get him ready and into the car. He had negatives to say about things that had no referent for me.

He is sleeping so much more. This week he has been coming home at around 4:30 and is in bed for the night by 5:00. I hadn't been over to see my mother all week and that is not enough. I called her and said I'd bring over dinner for us all from Calico County. When Trent's plans for going to bed were disrupted, he became agitated. It seemed like each turn of the car, he was more angry. He was cursing, opening his door while I was driving and saying things of which there seemed no referent. We ate at Mom's and he would get up and move around some and then sit back down. When he finished, he went into the backyard. He threw a branch that had blown off the tree over the fence and picked up several small ones and did the same. When I opened the door and said we needed to leave, the agitation started up again. By the time we got home, he was yelling and upset, almost in tears. He continue to become more agitated. I encouraged him to get ready for bed at 6:30 and he would lay down and pop back up over and over. He finally was crying uncontrollably. I went into the bedroom to help him get his C-PAP on. I asked again if he was okay. Then he said, "I am breaking apart faster than the others."
Was that a moment of clarity? Was that just another phrase that went across his lips without knowing what he was talking about? It probably doesn't make a whole lot of difference, but it slammed me to the ground. I've wept and wept. I miss him when he's in the room with me but what will I do when all moments of clarity are gone.

Hump Day

Wednesdays are busy days for me at the hospital. I don't have regular patients but have autism assessments and family conferences. I find the differences in each child so amazing any way, but when you've evaluated as many children with autism as I have over my career it is even more amazing. I've said many times that when you've met one child with autism you have seen one. Very seldom do you see great similarities in their intense interests or their peak skills. So today was one of those days-there's no generalizations to be made, individually unique.

We made it through the work day. When I got home the bus with Trent was waiting on me. We barely made it in the house and Trent was ready to lie down. He continues to need more and more rest. I get less and less done and certainly do not get to see my mother as much as she needs. It was much easier when I had Monday and Wednesday mornings off and all day Friday. Wednesdays was my day to take care of Mom's business and buy her groceries. Now I have to keep Trent awake one afternoon and take him to Mom's while I buy her groceries, bottled water, medications, and/or take her dog to be groomed or anything else Mom has on her list for me. I really feel I'm not giving Mom enough attention. Well, I guess for now this is just all I can do.

Lurkers

I have friends that are 'Lurkers' to my blog. They never leave a post. Apparently though, they swoop in when they see a need. I got a call from my friend, Lisa, letting me know she was on her way to pick up my wash. What? No, no, I said and then, girlfreind, you feel like crap, your washer will only let you do small loads, and you are turning down help? And so, Lisa swooped down from heaven and did my wash! Now, that is a friend and a 'sussy' (an unexpected gift). So, Lisa, if you are still lurking in blogland let me extend the biggest THANKS!!! It brightened my day more than you could possibly know. Love ya!