The Longest Night

The church that I attend has a service every year on December 21st, or the Winter Solstice.  It's called The Longest Night: A Holiday Service of Remembrance, Consolation and Reassurance.

Here is an excerpt from the church bulletin that can describe it much better than I can:

Welcome to the First Presbyterian Church and this service of THE LONGEST NIGHT.  As A Home in the Heart of the City we seek to be a community where the needs of people meet the power of God.  That is our hope for this night.  Tonight is the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year, and we recognize that for many the Holidays can be long.  While there is much merry-making going on, we realize that losses in our lives can take much of the joy out of this Season.


Tonight we intend to honor the real darkness that exists in our lives and in the world.  At the same time we hope that glimpses of light might shine through just as the stars pierce a dark, cold winter night.  We open this space of worship and welcome God's presence with us here and always.  May the candlelight, the music, the prayers, the Word of God, the silence, the readings, the communion of saints and the community gathered here comfort and inspire you.  


At two different times of the service, during the Music for Healing as we open and during the Silence as a part of our response to God's Word, you are invited to go forward in the sanctuary and light votive candles to illumine your own prayers and our world.  As you leave tonight, if a significant loss in your life has brought you here, we invite you to take a candle from the table as you exit so that a light of hope and remembrance may continue to shine in your home throughout this Holiday Season.


I wanted to go to this service last year, but wasn't able to, so I made it a priority this year.  I really appreciated someone acknowledging that the holidays are not happy for many of us for lots of different reasons.  Too often we are told to put on a brave face and grin and bear it.  For once, it's nice to hear that it's ok to be sad.  I especially appreciated that it was the church saying this.

Not many people attended the service so it was pretty small and intimate.  Most went up and lit a candle up at the front, but I just stayed in my seat.  I'm more of a background kind of person.

Afterwards, one of the pastors apologized to me for one of the readings (she knows all about our IF history and actually reads this blog).  It was John 16:16-24 -

"...Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.  You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world...".  

I told her that it was ok, and it really was.  While she was reading it, I definitely noticed it, but I didn't feel that twinge like I probably would have a year ago.  It kind of served as a reminder that I will take this with me the rest of my life and there will always be reminders.  I will get over the heartache and the pain, but I feel like I am forever a different person because of what I've gone through.  I won't even say I'm a better person.  Just different.


I've had my issues with the church and religion in the past and to some extent I still do, but I'm very thankful that I've found this particular one.  I feel like I can be myself there and I'm not shamed when I have doubts or questions. 

I had a baby dream last night.

We went back to our RE and transferred our lone frozen embryo and it stuck.  Before we even knew if it worked, the nurse was scheduling our induction date.  I kept telling her that I didn't want to induce, and she told me that I was crazy not to.

Fast forward nine months, and I'm having a homebirth with a midwife.  I had a boy.  I posted a status on facebook about it, thinking, "finally it's my turn for a happy post on facebook".  My priorities are kind of messed up aren't they?  I don't remember much of the dream after that.  I know that I started to wake up and was fighting it.  I wanted to stay in the dream, because I knew it wasn't real and I didn't want to leave.

I wasn't really sad when I woke up though.

We're going to have to decide what we're going to do with our embryo soon.  I'm sure we'll get a bill soon charging us to store it for another year.  I'm just not going to think about it until the day the bill comes.

Denial is healthy, right?

My newest nephew was born a week and a half ago.  My sister-in-law was induced three days before her due date.  He was born with some lung issues and spent a few days in the NICU, but they're home now and doing well.  We went to the hospital to see them the day he was born.  He's an adorable baby.  My sister in law has sworn off more children after delivering him.  And this is the girl who wanted a house full of kids. 

Two of my other friends also had babies in the past week so it has been babies, babies, babies.  Last weekend I went and visited a new baby three days in a row.  I got lots of baby snuggles and actually enjoyed it rather than feeling sorry for myself.  I don't know if I'm accepting the fact that we don't and won't have children or something else entirely.  But I'm ok about it right now.

Christmas isn't even bumming me out.  Last Christmas was pretty difficult.  Our first failed IVF cycle was right around Thanksgiving so the holidays weren't so jolly.  I'm still not all gung-ho about celebrating, but I'm not miserable either.

We haven't done any decorating since our house is on the market.  Less stress for me too since I'm the one who does the bulk of the work.

The job situation is still crappy.  I was going to talk to my boss about a promotion and then his niece died unexpectedly and he had to leave town.  I've had a couple of other prospects come up, but nothing is for sure and I don't want to jinx anything.  Hopefully I'll know something in the next week or so.

.

(*&$)(#&)$#(*^%(*#&%)(#*

That is the stream of obscenities that would be coming out of my mouth if I were alone right now.  But I'm not.  I'm at work.  At a job I hate.  A job that I can't get out of.  I've been looking for a new job for about a year now.  I've gotten a few interviews, but no offers.  Until now, I hadn't really looked at internal jobs at my office because in order to do that, my boss has to sign off on my application.  He's the type of boss that will freak out when he learns that his employees are looking.

But a few weeks ago, I found a job that would be worth applying for.  I talked informally to the guy who is hiring.  The job looked great.  There was also one other position that I wanted to apply for.  This one was a bit trickier because it was in the same department where I currently work and it might look like they recruited me away, which could cause problems.  So I waited a bit to see if the second job would work out.  I really wanted that one because I could go around the formal process until I knew for sure that I would get the job.  My boss is a blabbermouth and as soon as I tell him I'm looking for another job, everyone will know.  Which I don't really mind, except for my co-worker.  He hates it here as much as I do.  He's been here for 9 months.  At 1 year, you are allowed to apply for internal job postings, so that was my goal, find a new job before he does.

Well, he came in late this morning after a "dr. appt" and gave his notice.  He found another job.  And now my hopes for the jobs I wanted are screwed.  I don't think my boss will sign off on my application now.  He will deem me "too valuable" to leave.  Which sounds nice in theory.  In practice, not so much.  I will get twice the workload now.  Yes, we will hire someone to replace my co-worker, but I will have to do all of his/her work while the new employee gets up to speed on everything, which takes about 6 months in this job.  I will also be responsible for training the new employee.

Suffice it to say, it's been a shitty morning.  But I have a plan.  On Friday I am going to go to my boss and tell him I want to apply for the internal position.  He will either sign off on it, or freak out and say no.  At which point I will ask for a promotion.  I haven't had a grade increase in the three years that I have been here.  We're supposed to get one every other year.  I've also never gotten a bonus at Christmas time.  The guy I share an office with gets one every year, but I've never gotten one.

I hate confrontation.  But I'm so fed up with this job that I don't care.  There is so much that is shitty about this job that I'm not going to go into.  Mainly all having to do with my boss.  He really shouldn't be managing people.  If we could afford it, I would have quit a year or so ago.  But we can't.  So I won't.

Maybe by Friday I will have a promotion.  Of course, I'll keep looking externally for jobs, but the job market is crap right now.  If anyone wants to hire a data an.al.yst, I can send you my resume!  Totally serious about that too.

I survived Thanksgiving #1.  We always go to my maternal grandfather's house the weekend before Thanksgiving to celebrate with them.  My grandfather is in his 80s and his health is declining so every time we see him I'm afraid it will be the last time.  They had a special guest this year.  Jo (my grandfather's wife) invited her first husband's cousin Halie.  Halie is 99 years old.  She'll be 100 in March.  She can still drive, hears great, is totally lucid, and her mobility is amazing.  You wouldn't know that she's a day over 70.  And a 70 year old who is in amazing shape.  I was very impressed and hope to be in that great of shape should I live that long.

My sister-in-law was there in all her pregnant glory like I mentioned in my last post.  I tried to avoid her as much as possible.  They had to stop by the doctor before making the trip because she had some episodes of elevated blood pressure.  The doctor told her it was ok to travel, but to avoid sodium.  Of course, she bitched the whole time that he couldn't eat what she wanted (fritos of all things) and kept trying to sneak chips when no one was looking.  I actually slapped her hand when she tried it in front of me.  The rest of the time she sat in the recliner and rubbed her belly, or she walked around and moaned about how uncomfortable she was.  Yeah, I get it, you're extremely pregnant and uncomfortable, but I would trade with you if I could.  The most painful moment of the day was when I saw my mother feeling the baby move.  My grandfather's house is pretty small, but I managed to be in another room than her most of the time. 

This was a two-day work week for me because of Thanksgiving.  Yesterday at 9:30 security came over the intercom and said we all needed to evacuate the building.  I work in a 19 story building.  Someone called in a bomb threat.  We got outside and they said we needed to go two blocks away.  Then they told us that they were sweeping the building and that it wouldn't be open before 1:00.  I went and hung out at the husband's office.  We live 30 minutes away from work so I didn't want to drive home, just to have to drive back.  The time got changed to 3:00 at which point I just wanted to go home, but I had a feeling my boss would have me come back in.  Sure enough at 3:00 he called and said the building was open and that he would see me there.  If he were a decent person he would have told me to go home.  But no.  He's a douche.  Which is why I'm looking for a new job.

But I'm off today, so that's good news.  We're going to meet my dad for lunch and then we're driving to Eric's parents' to spend Thanksgiving with them.  No preggos at our destination, which is always a good thing.

I haven't written anything here in three weeks, and honestly, there's not really anything to write.  I've been debating what to do with this blog.  Maybe it's time to retire it.  We're done with treatments and have no plans to adopt at this point.  Unless a baby literally falls into our laps, it's not happening.

That's not to say in a few years that we might change our minds, but for now, we are living child-free.  I'm concentrating on finding a new job.  I'm miserable right now with where I work.  Or I guess I should say who I work for.  I've put off finding a new job because of treatments and what-ifs.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  I need to stop living for the maybe future and start living for the concrete present.

Maybe I'll still post here now and then.

We have our first Thanksgiving get-together this weekend at my grandfather's house.  Last time we were there he said that he wanted the next pregnancy announcement to be from me.  Obviously, he knows nothing of our infertility problems.  I'm pretty open about it, but I haven't told him.  I wonder if anyone will say anything to us.  My SIL is due the first week in December and she'll be there in all her pregnant glory.  It should be a blast.

Down

I don't know why, but I've been kind of down the past couple of weeks.  Maybe because the holidays are coming up.  Maybe because there were 4 pregnancy announcements in this past week, 3 of them complete surprises.  Maybe it's because my SIL's due date is getting closer.  I don't know.

Tonight is another Resolve meeting.  I'm actually volunteering to become one of the leaders of the group.  The current leader has done it for two years now and feels like it's time for someone else to take the reins.  I feel like I've really gotten all that I can out of the group as far as support.  Pretty much everyone who was going to the group when I started is either pregnant, had a child, or is adopting.  I want to stay involved with Resolve though.  There is so much misinformation out there that I feel the need to educate people.

We're still kind of in limbo.  No real plan at the moment either.  We're open to adoption, but honestly, I can't see myself putting for the effort (and money) that is required to adopt.  That's funny.  I'm too lazy to become a parent.

There was one thing this week that cheered me up though.  This blog post about being infertile on facebook.  Highly entertaining.

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html

Oh yeah, another highlight.  I ran a 5k race yesterday.  I was severely undertrained and knew that going in.  Because of that, I ran my slowest 5k ever.  And get this.  It was such a small race that I placed in my age group!  I got some kind of award, but I left before the awards ceremony, so I don't know what it is.  My first time to ever place in a race though (and probably last)!

Blessingways and THOSE comments

Over the weekend I attended a Blessingway for a friend who is pregnant with her third child.  I had never heard of a Blessingway before.  Here is a link that describes it: http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/blessingway/a/aa102202a.htm

Basically, it is a celebration for a new life.  We were all asked to bring a bead along with a blessing or a poem to give to the mother.  She plans to string them together when she goes into labor and will be able to think about all of the supportive women in her life.  We also tied some yarn around our wrists in a circle (so that we were all connected).  Then we cut it apart and kept the string tied around our wrists.  Everytime we see the string, we are supposed to think of the mother and send positive thoughts/prayers her way.  We keep them on until the baby is born.  

It's actually a very cool concept, and if I were able to get pregnant, I would much rather have that, than a traditional baby shower.  I despise baby showers.  I knew all of the women there, except for one, the host's sister.

We took turns giving our bead and reading our blessing or poem.  I felt very awkward about this, since I know nothing of pregnancy, childbirth, "being a woman in that sense", etc.  The sister that I didn't know, I'll call her S, went after me.  Her blessing was beautiful.  It also made me sad in a way that I haven't been in a while.  She talked about how she never felt true unconditional love until she had children.  You know, all of those things that mothers say.  And I'm sure they're true.  But it made me feel like I was an imposter there.  Witnessing something that I shouldn't have.  Almost like I was standing outside on my tiptoes looking through the window and hoping not to be spotted and kicked out.  Which is crazy.  I was invited to the party.  All of the women there (besides S) know my history of failed IVFs.  

When I first arrived, S asked if I had any children.  I told her no and left it at that.  I've gotten to the point where if people ask me, I'll tell them no, and then tell them that we can't have children.  No point in hiding it.  But I didn't feel that it was the appropriate place to get into that kind of discussion.  Later on, I was asked about the adoption stuff and if anything else new had happened (it hasn't).  Then S piped up.  She said the dreaded, "well you know, you always hear those stories of women who adopt and then later on get pregnant".  I literally had to stop my eyes from rolling.  I quoted from Mel when I responded to her:

Want to know the statistical rate of those diagnosed with infertility who conceive after adopting? As stated in my book, Navigating the Land of If, the number is 8%. Want to know the statistical rate for those diagnosed with infertility who conceive without fertility treatments and without adopting? Also 8%.

Obviously, I didn't say that exactly, just quoting from one of her posts.  We had a lengthy discussion about the different reasons for infertility, and how adoption isn't a cure.  And how offensive that is in the first place, to suggest that someone adopt and then they'll get pregnant.  I told her that our chances of getting pregnant on our own, with no intervention is about .002%.  Yes, it's possible, but I'm not counting on it.  

So I left feeling a bit sad, but also proud of myself, that I stood up and gave someone facts about infertility instead of seething on the inside while they blathered on and repeated myths.  

Later that day, I emailed the host and apologized if I was rude.  The adoption comment is one I hear so many times and it sets me off when I hear it.  She emailed me back and said that she cringed on the inside when her sister said that and was so glad that I was able to set her straight and educate her with facts.  I have some friends who are really ignorant to this whole process, but I'm so glad that I have some that really get it and I can be honest with.

Small update

It's been a little under a week that I have been eating the food provided for me with the PCOS study.  I was randomly put into one of the two diets.  I can tell from the food I'm getting that I'm in the standard diet and the second one will be the low glycemic index diet.  It hasn't been all that difficult and I haven't really come across any food that I just don't like.  Well, except for milk.  On some days the snack is just plain milk.  I really can't stand milk so I chug it down as fast as I can.  I have to eat every single bit of food that they give me.  One night dinner was a lean cuisine pasta dish, along with a bread stick and two pats of butter.  It was way too much butter to go on the breadstick so I just threw it into the pasta and mixed it up.  Way more butter than I would normally eat.  It's definitely an exercise in willpower.  So many events center around food and I kind of feel like a tool telling people I can't eat the food they provided.  Oh well, it's just temporary.

In other news, we might have a lead on an adoption opportunity.  It's very early and could well turn out to be nothing.  My SIL works as a neonatal practitioner.  She knows about our IVF history and that we are considering adoption so she has been on the lookout for possible opportunities.  A woman came in a week or so ago who might be considering placing her baby.  They think she is about 15 weeks pregnant.  She is single, in her early 20s and already has one child.  Stressing about providing for another.  My SIL emailed me and asked if it would be ok if they approach her about adoption with us in mind the next time she comes in.  DH and I discussed it and said to go ahead.  So now we need an attorney.  I've gotten a few recommendations and plan to call them soon.

Does anyone know if adoption attorneys will typically do a consultation and how much that would cost?  I have two names in particular that I am interested in talking to.  This could turn out to be nothing as it's still early.  In case she does decide to go ahead with it and wants to meet us we want to have all our ducks in a row.

I'm surprisingly very zen about this whole situation.  I'm not getting my hopes up.  I'm letting what will be be.  If this works out, great.  If not, we're still on track to sell our house and move closer to town.  I've been working really hard on relinquishing control and sitting back to let things come to us as the universe unfolds.  We'll see how long this zen state lasts.  :)

Baseline Testing Day 2

I was up early this morning to go to the hospital for more study testing.  I got there at 6:30.  First stop was radiology for a CT scan.  They scanned at my belly button and mid-thigh. 

After the CT scan it was time for more bloodwork.  They drew some blood to start off with, and then I got to eat a liquid meal (a chocolate Carnation instant breakfast).  Then over four hours they drew blood every five minutes, then every ten minutes and then every thirty minutes.  I wasn't allowed to eat anything during these four hours.  My veins gave them trouble again.  The first IV they had in my left wrist.  It eventually got clogged.  They could get blood out, but couldn't flush the line.  So they moved on the the right arm and it was fine after that. 

They had me fill out a quality of life questionnaire.  Full of all sorts of questions about my occupation, activity level, happiness level.  There were also questions about my eating habits, if I ever restricted calories to lose weight, if I overate in certain situations (when depressed, angry, bored, at a party, etc).  I was done with that test around noon.  At that point I was starving and a dog food commercial on tv had me salivating.  The nurse brought in a tray of food and said, "here's your breakfast, hold on just a second and I'll bring your lunch."  People, they brought me TWO huge trays of food.  Here are some pics of both:

The breakfast included:

pancakes 

scrambled eggs 

bacon 

sausage 

grits 

cheerios 

banana 

yogurt 

apple juice 

orange juice 

some other kind of juice 

milk 

coffee

Lunch consisted of:

 roast beef with gravy 

cornbread 

mashed potatoes 

carrots 

black eyed peas (with one green bean among them) 

chicken noodle soup 

cake 

sweet tea 

a pepsi

I asked them if they expected me to eat all of that food.  The nurse told me to east as much as I could and then I could take whatever I didn't eat home with me.  I came nowhere close to finishing it all.  At first I got suspicious and thought maybe it was a test to see how much of it I would eat, considering all of the overeating questions that were on the forms I had to fill out.  Maybe they were just making up for not letting me eat for 18 hours (had to start fasting the night before at 6:30.  Who knows?

So after that, I had to go to another building in the hospital to have a DEXA scan done.  It's a scan that shows bone density along with body composition.  That took about five minutes where I had to lie completely still.  Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but I have had a cough for a couple of weeks now that just won't go away.

Speaking of the cough, I had an appt with my doctor after all of this testing.  Like I said, I've had this cough that won't leave.  I went to see my doctor that I see for my asthma.  I did a pulmonary function test which made a coughing fit start.  She listened to my lungs.  I was actually running a low-grade fever while there and she said that she was worried about pneumonia so she was going to treat this aggressively.  So I'm on another round of antibiotics (had a z-pack a few weeks ago) and also now on steroids.  I have to use my rescue inhaler every 4-6 hours for the next few days.  I'll be so glad when this crap is gone.  

Tomorrow is my last day of eating the food that I want.  Thursday starts the study.  I'm going in around 7:00 in the morning to pick up my food.  Since I live about 30 miles away from where I work I'll have to take the food I get and keep it in the work refrigerator.  (It will be enough food to last me until Monday).  I'll definitely be back to update about what kind of food I get!

PCOS Study Baseline Testing

I had to get up bright and early Tuesday morning in order to be at the hospital at 6:30 am to start the baseline testing for the study I'm going to be a part of.  Of course, I used the restroom right before I got there.  The first thing they tell me when I arrive, "we need you to provide a urine sample".  Shit.  I had to guzzle water in order to give them some.  And of course it was for a pregnancy test. Which was negative.  No surprise there. 

Then I got to lie down in the hospital bed for 30 minutes.  The first test they were going to do was to see what my metabolic rate is.  You have to be completely still for 30 minutes before the test.  Hence the bed.  I turned on the tv and entertained myself with TLC and their obsession with baby shows.  In the past I couldn't really watch those, but I'm really beyond that now.  After the 30 minutes was up, the nurse came in to start the test.  It involves measuring  your carbon dioxide output for 30 minutes and from that they can calculate your metabolic rate.  They measured it by putting a plastic bubble over my head.  I looked like an astronaut.  It was kind of weird.  But in a cool way.  Of course I took a picture.

I posted it on facebook and got all sorts of interesting comments. 

After that test, it was time for the fasting glucose test.  You know, the one where you drink the nasty sugary drink?  They were going to draw blood every thirty minutes so the nurse tried to start an IV in my arm so that they wouldn't have to stick me over and over.  She tried the first time, got it in, and then the blood stopped flowing.  Tried it a second time on the same arm, just a bit higher and the same thing happened.  She was digging around in my vein quite a bit and it was starting to hurt.  I think the nurse was just inept, as I have good veins for drawing blood.  This is the first time anyone has had a problem.  Luckily, after the second time, she said she wasn't going to try again and called the expert blood person.  This one did the line in my wrist and got it right away. 

So then I drank the sugar stuff which was like super sweet Sunkist without carbonation.  I had five minutes to drink it.  Then they drew my blood every thirty minutes for three hours.  All while I laid in the bed watching bad daytime tv. 

By the time we were done it was 10:40 am.  I had been up since 4:30 and was starving.  Much to my surprise a nurse came in with a tray of food.  I thought I would have to fend for myself after I was done.  The tray had so much freaking food on it.  This is what I got:

banana

blueberry muffin

strawberry yogurt

grits
scrambled eggs

2 pieces of bacon

1 sausage patty

2 pancakes

coffee

orange juice

apple juice

milk



I guess they weren't sure what I would want and they were covering their bases.  Or that's just the deluxe breakfast that hospital patients get.  No wonder we're a country of fatties if that's what we're getting to eat in the hospital where they're supposed to be taking care of you!  I took the banana and muffin and put them in my purse and then kind of ate the other stuff. 

Then I was done and was off to work the rest of the day. 

Now I have to log my food for seven days for a nutritionist to review.  I also have to provide a 24 hour urine sample.  That should be fun having that container in my fridge.  I go back next Tuesday to have more tests done.  Woohoo!  The official diet starts next Thursday, a week from today.

MIA

Wow, it's been a while.

Last weekend we went to the hubby's mom's family for a dove hunt (which I find totally ironic - killing the bird of peace).  I did not participate in the hunt.  We got to see some cousins that we haven't seen in a while and attended our cousin William's third birthday party.  It was bittersweet seeing all of the young cousins interacting, knowing that if our IVF cycles had been succesfull, we would have had a little one(s) or would have been pregnant at this point.  It wasn't awful though. 

On Saturday I started feeling like my allergies were acting up.  I was sneezing like crazy and my ears and throat were itching.  Sunday morning I was full-blown sick.  Eric kept telling me it was still allergies, but I was convinced it was something else.  We went home on Sunday, that was fun, a 4 hour car ride while feeling miserable.  I was still sick on Monday, but was off work for Labor Day.  Tuesday rolled around and I was still sick so I stayed home from work.  I thought I would be better by Wednesday, but nope.  By this time Eric was feeling bad too.  So we went to a doc in the box and got checked out.  We both tested negative for strep and flu.  I got a steroid shot, some antibiotics and some cough medicine.  They wanted to give me a decongestant, but my blood pressure was really high.  It was 140/95.  It has never been that high.  Normally it's low.  They told me I needed to go get it checked out after I'm feeling better.  I hope it's just because I'm sick.  I'm sure that gaining twenty pounds in the past six months hasn't done anything for my health. 

So I'm back at work today, but still feeling like crap.  I can't wait to get home and take my cough medicine and crash.  I hate being sick.

Really?

I somehow got on a subscription list for an infertility newsletter email program from Schering-Plough.  No idea how.  It's likely that I signed up for it at some point.  The other day I got this email from them: pregnancy after fertility therapy.  The subject was written all in lower-case letters like that.  The first time I got it, I deleted it.  I didn't really want to read it seeing as I wasn't pregnant.  I got it a second time.  Again, I deleted it.  Just today, I received it for a third time.  I finally opened it. 

The body of the email started thusly:

A positive pregnancy test is a major accomplishment...

What the fuck?  I've never seen a positive pregnancy test in my life, save for right after my trigger shot and I was testing to see if it was still in my system.

In this issue we'll give you more information to help you as you make the transition from infertility to pregnancy.

Hmmm, that would be nice WERE I ACTUALLY PREGNANT!

When your fertility treatments come to an end, be sure to continue scheduling regular visits with your OB/Gyn.  OB/Gyns are trained in women's reproductive health including pregnancy and delivery, general health, breast and pelvic exams, and contraception.

Seriously?!?!?!?!?  I need to go to my OB/Gyn and inquire about CONTRACEPTION???  Well why the fuck did we just throw $25,000 away trying to get pregnant?  Wouldn't want an "oops" to happen would we?

Someone clearly did not think this email program through.  Perhaps they didn't realize that over 50% of IF treatments don't result in a pregnancy/baby. 

I did notice at the bottom of the email in tiny letters was a link to an article about childfree living.  But really, most people in my situation probably have deleted the email in disgust before they're able to get to the bottom and see that. 

I'm thinking of sending a letter to complain.  Way to pour salt in the wound Schering-Plough!!!

I'm a lab rat!

Not really.  But I did get accepted into a clinical trial.  Here is a link to information about it: A Reduced Carbohydrate Diet Intervention for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

Basically it is a study consisting of me following two different diets for 8 weeks each, one is a "standard" diet and the other is a low glycemic index diet.  I went in today for pre-screening to see if I could be a part of the study.  They took my height, weight and body fat percentage.  The body fat percentage number was SHOCKING.  I've always been in decent shape.  The past couple of years I have gained some weight, but I would have never guessed that's what my body fat percentage was.  And no, I won't be sharing the number here.  My weight was no surprise.  I've gained about twenty pounds since before we started the IVF process. 

After that, I met with a physician to go over my symptoms so that they could ascertain whether they think I have PCOS and could be in the study.  I kind of got a wishy-washy PCOS diagnosis from my RE during the second round of IVF.  My main symptom was insulin resistance.  It turns out I have other symptoms, but I never put them together.  I'm insulin resistant, have acne, irregular cycles (although I've never skipped a period, my cycles go anywhere from 24-38 days), and I've got some lovely facial hair.  Mainly on my chin and 'stache area.  I pluck and trim to keep them in check.  They informed me that I shouldn't pluck or wax before the screening so that the doctor could see the extent of the hair.  Luckily, they only told me that a few days ago so I didn't have to go too long with a nasty hairy chin.  He took a few seconds to look at my face and said that he already saw about five hairs on my chin and that alone would qualify me for the study.  He could have at least pretended that it took him a while to find my nasty goatee hairs, lol! 

So I'm in the study now.  I get 16 week's worth of free food AND they're paying me $800.  I eat a mostly vegetarian/vegan diet, and this diet is definitely neither of those, but I'm willing to do it.  It will be interesting to me to see how I react to the different diets.  I've been meaning to start a vegan low-glycemic index diet of my own, but am a lazy piece of crap and never got around to fully doing it.  So this will force me to.  And they're scheduling the two phases of the diet around Thanksgiving and Christmas so that I can eat what I want over the holidays. 

I won't be starting the diet until the end of September.  Mid-September I have to go in for a variety of tests and give a DNA sample and other fun things like that.  It should be interesting to say the least!

She's back!

Warning: totally off topic post.  Nothing much going on in the way of infertility/state of not being knocked up, but I don't want this blog to die, so I'll be posting some random stuff probably.

When I say she's back, I mean my aunt.  She and I have very different political views.  I'm talking total opposite ends of the spectrum.  For the record, I'm a liberal.  She's one of the people that still believes that Obama isn't a U.S. citizen.  Really, I don't care what she believes.  But she's an email forwarder.  Yes, one of those.  Around the election I got emails from her every. single. day. about how Obama and the Democrats were going to make our children do drugs and would ruin the nation.  I'm only slightly kidding.

I tend to try not to talk politics with my family.  I'm the black sheep of the family, being a liberal democrat in Alabama.  I don't start political conversations.  But when my aunt kept sending me emails full of blatantly false information I had to respond in some way.  Believe what you believe, but at least base it on facts!  Is that too much to ask?  At first I would just delete her emails.  But then, I would send her the snopes link showing that she was spreading lies.  Then she started getting mad at me.  So we got into a stupid email war.  Finally she ended it by saying she was taking me off her email distribution list (thank god!).  And that was the last I heard from her. 

Until this morning.  She forwarded me an email talking about the Obama tax increases and she asked me if I still like him NOW.  I skimmed the email.  I didn't bother to fact-check it, because honestly, I don't care.  To me, taxes are my responsibility as a citizen.  I've lived in places with much higher taxes than we have here.  I think tax cuts for the wealthy are ridiculous.  But anyway, I digress.  I simply responded to her and said that I in fact DO still like Obama.  And if I were to dislike him for anything it would be because he doesn't support gay marriage, not because of higher taxes.  She hasn't responded.  I don't know if she will.  I really don't care.  I just want off of her distribution list again.  Is that too much to ask?

Graduated!

Kind of.

I have graduated from weekly therapy sessions.  My next will be in three weeks.  In general my mental state has been better these past few weeks.  It's kind of weird actually.  I had gotten so used to being depressed and melancholy, it was weird to actually laugh out loud at something funny.

In general, new pregnancy announcements don't have that sting anymore.  I've come to accept the fact that it's biology, and sometimes (a lot of times) stupid people are able to reproduce like rabbits.  It's almost like I've done a 180.  Now it's the announcement from someone that did treatment that upsets me.  In the past, they gave me hope, because hopefully I would get pregnant after treatment.  Now though, it's almost like salt in a wound.  It didn't work for you, but look at me!!!  And I know that's not how it is at all.  I am truly happy for those who are able to overcome infertility. But I think I will always have a hole in my heart related to it.

Finally!

I got through a therapy session without crying.  Took me long enough! 

Things are also looking up in my job search.  I had one interview a couple of weeks ago.  Two days ago I got a call from a different department in the same company wanting to interview me for another job.  And just today someone I work with said that they were getting a new analyst position and he would really like me to apply for it.  It would be a promotion if I got it.  I'm really hoping that one comes through.  It would be better pay, but I would stay at the same company and still be working with people that I know so I wouldn't have to start all over from scratch learning a new job. 

I also got a haircut and my eyebrows waxed today.  All in all, it's been a pretty good day.  I haven't been able to say that much lately.

And I know I'm so behind on blog reading right now.  Or should I say, I'm reading, but haven't been commenting much.  I'm just not in a commenting mood.  I'll try to do better!

Standing up for ME

It seems like all I talk about now is therapy, but since we're not doing treatments or pursuing adoption yet, that's really all that's going on. 

Tuesday was my fourth session.  I thought I would finally get through a session without crying.  I was good until the last ten minutes.  When thinking about what was bothering me lately, I told the therapist that I'm frustrated that people seem to be pushing us and asking what our next move is.  My MIL keeps offering money and when not offering money, she makes statements such as, "I just know that god has a child in mind just for you". 

While I know she is being helpful in her own way, it bothers me.  What if there isn't a child for me?  What if I'm destined to be childless?  People act as if those without children are second-class citizens.  Most of the support groups for infertility focus on treatments or adoption.  There is hardly any support for people who have failed in treatments and decided that enough is enough.  They don't want to go on further.  They don't want to spend more money.

I'm not saying that we will be childless forever.  More than likely we will adopt.  But not right now.  I've got to get myself in order.  I want to just live.  Focus on me.  Our relationship.  My career.  I'm still relatively young, so we have time.  Plus, it's expensive and we're kind of tapped out right now (monetarily and emotionally). 

So, my therapist suggested I focus on how I felt when I told my mother that I couldn't go to my sister-in-law's baby shower.  I felt empowered.  Like I was doing something for myself.  Sure, people might get mad at me, but they'll get over it.  So when my MIL (or anyone else) offers us money or any of her "advice" I'm going to nicely tell her what I need from her (hint: it's not offers of money or reassurances that god had a plan for me).  I don't know how that will go over.  But I need to start standing up for myself.  No one else will do it for me. 

Foxy asked how I liked the EMDR that I'm doing with my therapist on my last post.  I meant to elaborate on it more, but forgot.  It was a bit weird at first.  But I will say, that while the headphones were on, my anxiety pretty much went away.  During the second round I got extremely dizzy.  I literally felt like my body was spinning to the left.  So much so, that I almost had to open my eyes.  Once I opened my eyes, the dizziness stayed for about a minute.  I really don't know what I think about it yet, but I'm optimistic about it.  I feel now that I'm no longer depressed, but I still have anxiety.  The slightest thing will cause me to feel anxious.  It's not fun. 
We went to a family reunion this past weekend for Eric's dad's side of the family.  We don't see them all that much.  I hadn't met a lot of them, and the others I saw last at our wedding about six years ago.  Only one person asked if we had kids.  We got to spend time with Eric's parents and his brother's family.  Our nephew just turned two and he's finally starting to remember us.  He really likes "Uncle Ewik" and kept going back to him.  Eric has a cousin who has adopted two children so we talked to her a bit and got some contacts in our area. 

I am really not liking my job right now.  That is what tips off my anxiety the most.  I have a 45 minute drive in to work and I dread it the whole time.  I have a job interview tomorrow though.  I'm interviewing with three people from 8:30 to 10:30.  I really really need this job.  I'm not happy where I am and I'm not going anywhere.  Speaking of work, I think I have carpal tunnel.  My right arm has been hurting the past few days.  It starts around my wrist and numbness radiates up my arm.  I have a wrist brace, but it's in my desk at the office building that is closed because of the fire.  I might have to just suck it up and go buy a new one.  We were supposed to be back in the office today, but the building didn't pass inspection so it has been delayed.  We have no idea when we'll be able to go back.

Craziness!

Wow. So much has happened in the past week. First, we've decided to put our house on the market. We both have almost an hour commute and we want to live closer to town. So for the past week we have been decluttering, packing ad staging. We are meeting with a realtor this weekend.

Yesterday was my first day back at work all week. My office building had an electrical fire early Monday morning. I was getting ready for work when my stepdad called and told me that my building was on fire and that I should probably check the news. There was an electrical fire in the basement. The sprinklers flooded the basement and knocked out power to the building. We have been transferred to another building. My group got lucky and we are in cubes in the basement. Other people are stuffed into conference rooms with just enough room for their computer and sitting on metal folding chairs. I went to the old building this morning to pick up some papers. The bottom floor smells like burned tires. They've got huge hepa filters all over. One elevator is running on a generator so only three or four people can go at a time. I rode the elevator up to my floor but walked the eleven flights down. They say it could be three months before we are back in the building.

Speaking of work, I have a job interview on the 20th. It's at another bank doing pretty much exactly what I do now. I found out that the person interviewing me is my boss's former boss and she can't stand him (my boss). I don't know if that's good or bad for me.

My sister in law's baby shower is this weekend. I'm not going. My mom asked if I was going and when I said no, she replied, "you really need to go". Obviously she doesn't get it. In still not going. I don't think my mental health can take it.

I've got other news with regards to what is next for us on our IF journey, but I'll keep it for another post. I need to get back to work.

Second therapy session

I met with the counselor again today, again over my lunch break.  We did some visualization exercises and then a relaxation exercise.  She had me go back to thinking about the time when we were doing the meds and procedures.  She asked what emotion was the strongest when I thought back to that time.  My answer was tension.  I said that I didn't even know if that was an emotion, but that's the overwhelming feeling I get.  Along with sadness, despair, anger, etc, but tension (along with anxiety) is the big one.  She then asked where I felt it in my body.  I feel it in my stomach, neck and shoulders.  Then we did a relaxation exercise.  I felt a tiny bit relaxed after, but now, fours hours after my appointment, I feel more tense than I did before.  Right now our main goal is working on getting the tension out of my life, no matter which way we decide to go (adoption, child-free, more procedures). It's invading every part of my life.  I was reading last night before going to bed and the book was getting to a juicy part where there was lots going on.  I found myself physically reacting to the book.  My heart rate picked up and I could feel my shoulders tensing up involuntarily.  I had to put the book down because I just couldn't read anymore.

So how are things besides therapy?

I'm on week 2 of the vegan diet.  Dinner last night was stuffed eggplant and it was surprisingly good.  I think next time, I'll just cut up the whole eggplant and saute the stuffing all together and just eat it that way.  The recipe called for parmesan cheese as a topping.  I substituted nutritional yeast and didn't miss the cheese at all.

Today was day 2 of my P90X workout program.  Yesterday was core and today was cardio.  I'm waking up at 4:45 am so that I can do it before work.  There's no way I could workout at home every day after work.  My legs are pretty sore today.  The cardio had a lot of yoga, mainly in different variations of warrior pose, and my legs are feeling it.  I can't even sit down in my chair properly, I kind of have to fall down into it.  It will be worth it if I can stick with it though.

The dreaded question.

Are you having a boy or a girl?

I was teaching Sunday School this morning and one of the paid helpers asked me that. That's a first. I was kind of shocked that she asked and just told her that I wasn't pregnant. She tried to backtrack and say that I had a pregnant glow about me. Or that maybe it was a prediction. Right.

Thanks woman for ruining my sunday.

My first therapy appointment was today.  I was a bit nervous about it, but I really liked the therapist.  We spent an hour just going over background stuff, why I was there, my history, relationship stuff, all of that.  I cried the whole time.  I went over my lunch break so I had to go back to work with puffy, red eyes.  She doesn't have a lot of experience with infertility, but her sister went through IVF, so she kind of has an idea. 

She thinks that I'm dealing with post traumatic stress.  She offered a referral to a psychiatrist for some meds.  I haven't decided yet about that, but the more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards help in the form of happy pills.  My next appointment is a week from today.  I hope this will be a turning point for me.  I need to get back to me and who I was before.  I really don't know who I am right now.

In other news, Eric and I have been tentatively talking about traveling to the UK over Christmas.  We're thinking Ireland right now, but we haven't decided anything yet. 

Did it

I've been wanting to do this for a while and after some of your advice on my last post, I made an appointment with a counselor.  My work along with my husband's provides an Employee Assistance Program where I can go to 3 therapy sessions for free.  After that I have unlimited visits that are a $30 copay. 

The appointment is next Tuesday at noon.  Fun lunch!

Treading water

It's been almost a week since my last post.  I don't really have anything to post about since we're not doing treatments anymore.  I think I'm depressed.  I'm in a daze most of the time.  I don't really care about a lot of things anymore.  I've been drinking way more alcohol than I normally do.  Normally, I drink once every three months.  I've drank almost every night since the negative beta.  Only one or two beers, but still.  (I've also taken a couple of lort.ab on the nights that I don't drink.  Don't worry, I don't need an intervention.  Yet. 

I go to work, go home, sleep, and then repeat the next day.  I have an internal debate going on in my head constantly.  One minute I want to go start the adoption procedure immediately, the next I am satisfied with the thought of never having children.  I can't make up my mind. 

I went to my monthly bookclub meeting last night.  One of the women just had a baby a month ago.  She brought him last night so everyone could meet him.  Amazingly, I didn't cry.  I had to tell everyone that the IVF didn't work.  The baby was adorable, but watching her with him was like a knife in my heart.  I feel like my spirit is crushed.  I don't know if I'll ever get over this. 

Christmas this year is going to suck.  My SIL's baby is due a couple of weeks before Christmas.  Maybe I can talk Eric into going out of town just the two of us for Christmas. 

Follow up appointment

Our wtf appointment was today.  We've decided for now that we're not pursuing treatments, but wanted to see what the doctor had to say.  As far as our lone frozen embryo, he said that it looked to be of better quality than they two they transferred, it just took longer to get there. 

If the we did the frozen transfer and it didn't work, he then gave his recommendations.  Originally we thought we were dealing with just male-factor issues, but it's apparent now that I have decreased ovarian reserve.  However, he said that if we wanted to try another round using my eggs, he wouldn't say no, since we're producing blastocysts.  He would also recommend either doing IUIs with donor sperm and injectibles, or IVF with donor eggs.  I'm 29.  And I need donor eggs.  That's just depressing.  He also brought up adoption and that there's a small chance we could always conceive on our own. 

But we're taking a break.  As I said before, we've spent too much money on this.  I cried throughout the whole appointment and cried off and on for the rest of the day.  Poor Eric doesn't know what to do with me.  Every time he sees me crying he asks what is wrong.  I don't know why I'm crying.  I don't know if it's because it didn't work, or because we're stopping treatment or what.  He keeps asking if he can do anything to help.  I think only time will help things.  This IVF has been a lot harder to deal with than the first one.  I had a good cry for one or two days with that one and then I was better.  Not totally better, but I wasn't a basketcase that teared up at the sight of a baby.  Looking at all the baby pictures at the dr. office as we were checking out made the waterworks start again. 

We asked about donating our embryo and the doctor was hesitant to have us decide to do that so quickly.  He said that we worked so hard to get it, he wants us to sit on it for a while and think about it.  So we are.  I also asked about my insulin levels and whether I needed to follow up with that with my regular doctor.  I'm thinking about going back on a vegan diet.  One because I NEED to lose some weight, and I know that it will help my insulin levels.  I just have to get strict about it again. 

So that's where we stand.  I'm barren at the ripe old age of 29. 

Period from hell

It started this morning around 2:00 am.  With now warning.  BAM, I woke up with cramps, went to the bathroom and realized I had ruined another pair of panties.  Maybe not though, because luckily I was wearing black.  Took a lor.tab and went back to sleep.  I decided I wasn't going in to work today.  I toughed it out and worked on the day of the beta results and the day after.  I deserve a day off.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Our WTF appointment got rescheduled to tomorrow at 11:00 instead of the day after.  I'm anxious to get it over with and move on.  I wonder what the doc will recommend for us.

Well the no crying thing didn't last very long.  An old member of our Resolve group showed up to the meeting tonight with pictures of her adopted baby boy.  She adopted him last December.  As soon as I saw those pictures I couldn't hold them back any longer. 

We had a yoga instructor come to the meeting and we did a relaxation yoga session.  As we got to the end and the really relaxing stuff, I almost had a panic attack.  My body did not want to relax.  I told Eric about it when I got home.  He said it happens to him too.  His chiro explained to him that when your body is used to being in a tense state all of the time, it begins to think it's normal.  Then, when you finally get to a state of relaxation, your body rebels and ratchets up the tension to get back to "normal".  So that's what was happening to me.  I had to concentrate really hard on my breathing otherwise I would have lost it.  It's sad.  I used to be the most mellow, relaxed person.  Just another thing that IF has done to me.

All of this stress has taken away my appetite, which is probably a good thing for me.  I had a beer for dinner.  Not that healthy, I know.  I don't have the energy to fix anything, and I'm not hungry anyway.  Bleh.

Muddling through

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry or tear up since we found out that the IVF didn't work.  I'm becoming kind of numb to the whole thing. 

We've decided that we're done with treatments and won't be pursuing adoption.  That might change in the future, but for right now, we're just going to live.  We've put too much on hold the past few years.  We're going to work on fixing up our house so we can put it on the market.  Right now both of us drive about 35 miles one way to work, which gets old.  We would like to live closer to work. 

I have an interview this afternoon for a new job.  The interview was originally for 9 am this morning, but of course, my boss had an emergency assignment for me so I had to reschedule.  Great first impression.  I did mention that the emergency project was for the head of Retail Banking here, so maybe that will hold some weight.  (The job I'm applying for is in a different department at the same company I currently work for.  I just have to go down one floor for the interview).  My boss doesn't know I'm applying for this job.  I told him that I have a dr. appointment and will have to leave for that.  So I can go to the interview and then just leave.  I am not in the mood to be at work today.

The local Resolve meeting is tonight.  One thing that I'm looking forward to.  My boss is also going to be out on vacation starting Wednesday and not coming back until Tuesday.  This could be good or bad.  Good, because I'll have a bit more freedom at work, but bad because everyone will be calling me instead of him.  It might be nice to be the low man on the totem pole again if I get this new job.  I have the urge to lay low for a while. 

I apologize in advance if I offend anyone with this post.

But I am pissed off.

I'm pissed that we paid over $20,000 and have nothing to show for it.

I'm pissed that we've wasted two years of our lives on this.

I'm pissed that certain skanks I know can pop out kids every other year like it's nothing.

I'm pissed that insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments. Not like it matters since our treatments didn't work.

I'm pissed that my MIL emailed and said that when god closes a door he opens a window and I need to KEEP THE FAITH!

I'm pissed at how angry and bitter I've become.

I'm pissed at the twenty pounds I've gained.

I'm pissed at ignorant people and their stupid comments. Just relax. You need a vacation. Why don't you JUST adopt?

I'm pissed that I will never get to experience birth. I'm even one of those freaks that WANTS to experience the full thing and not get an epidural.


I could go on and on. I am so freaking mad right now.

I am happy about one thing though. I'm happy that Eric came home early today and cleaned the whole house. He got rid of all the meds and needles so I wouldn't have to see them when I got home from work. He brought home a pizza, beer, chocolate and flowers.

 The drive home from work today was interesting.  I held back tears all day long and when I got in the car they finally came.  Sobbing.  I'm talking, snotty, gasping for breath, body shaking, face-contorting, uncontrollable sobbing.  But it would stop every few minutes and then start back up.  I feel like I've been beaten up.  Going to bed early tonight.  At least tomorrow is Friday.

It's Official

Negative.

Beta Day

I'm not pregnant.  I just know it.  Official results aren't in yet, but I just have a feeling.  I went in this morning and the woman drawing my blood asked if I cheated and took a home test.  I lied and said no.  She told me that was good, because it's too early to show up on a home test.  But I know that's not true.  Yes, there's still a small chance that I could be pregnant and there's not enough hcg to show up on the pee stick, but it's a small chance.

And as I was checking out they told me we have a bill of $654.50 for the freezing of our lone embryo that made it.  We should have expected that, but we were so wrapped up in the cycle that we didn't even think we would have to pay that much for freezing.  We didn't expect to have anything to freeze.  So one more bill, one more punch to the gut.  Paying for something that will probably result in nothing. 

I'm so sure that this didn't work that yesterday I had deli meat on my sandwich and an iced coffee (*gasp* caffeine AND listeria!).  I spent the day yesterday thinking of positives of never having children.  I can start marathon training again.  Eric can get his mid-life crisis sports car.  We can travel.  We can buy a house without worrying about school zones. 

Eric brought up the A word yesterday.  Adoption.  Previously this hasn't been on the radar.  It still isn't for me.  We've spent over $20,000 to end up with nothing, how the hell can we afford to adopt now? 

So now I'm at work.  Waiting on the phone call to tell me that IVF #2 didn't work.  I'm going to let it go to voicemail.  Even though I'm expecting it, I know I'll cry when I get the official news.  Bah.

7dp5dt

Beta is in two days.  I'm conflicted.  Because I'm an obsessive madwoman I've been taking HPTs every day (since before the transfer, to see when the trigger was gone).

They're all still negative.  I didn't have any symptoms (besides extremely sore boobs) until yesterday.  Yesterday morning I had cramping for a few hours.  At one point, I was convinced my period had started.  The rest of the day I just felt off.

Today I woke up lightheaded and dizzy and slightly nauseated.  But test was still negative.  I should probably throw the tests out and wait until I get the official news on Thursday, but I just can't.  I know it's stupid.  I might even go to the dollar store after work and get some of the cheapo tests there since I've read that those are the most sensitive.  Right now I'm using the multitude of tests that I got from the Resolve conference.  I don't think they're early tests, i.e. not very sensitive. 

Like I said, I'm obsessed.  Only two more days.  I'm back at work today and while I have tons to do and am keeping myself busy, the time is just creeping by.

Lucky for me though, today is the release date of the new Sims 3 expansion pack.  Another obsession of mine.  So tonight I will be tied up with this:

We have a totsicle!

I never got a call yesterday so I took it upon myself to call today and inquire about our two leftover embryos.  One of them made it to freeze!  I really wasn't expecting it to, but it did!

Two on board!

I guess it's about time I update about the transfer this morning. 

We had two really good quality blastocysts to transfer.  One was about an hour behind the other in development.  We have two more that they are observing overnight to see if they're good enough quality tomorrow to freeze. 

We came home after the transfer where I promptly took a four hour nap.  I woke up to Eric covering me up because my mom was coming over.  Apparently my ass was hanging out and he wanted me to be decent, lol.  We (me, Eric, my mom and stepdad) all went out to dinner (chinese buffet, yum!) and now I'm back at home on the couch.  I'm making Eric my errand boy. 

The cat is sitting next to me which is kind of odd because she normally favors Eric.  I'll take that as a good sign.  We need all the help we can get.  Beta is next Thursday June 3rd.  I'm off work for the rest of this week so I plan on relaxing and doing a whole lot of nothing.

Today is the big day

Transfer day! 

But sadly, I've got other things on my mind.


I got an email that a former professor of mine died last night.  She was in the Ger.man program at Alab.ama (I have a Bachelor's and Master's degree in German). Still pretty young with two small children.  Her husband is a professor here too.  She was in a car accident. 

My heart is just aching for her children and husband.  One of the other professors posted a note about it on facebook and I thought it was just beautiful.  She says everything way more eloquently than I could (and English is her THIRD language!). 

Because I don't want to forget what she wrote I'm posting it here:

This afternoon we returned from a fantastic Blues harmonica event in the Mississippi Hill Country. As a non-harmonica player I mostly enjoyed meeting people from various paths of life - from the young couple from London quitting their jobs in order to travel and volunteer for five month while exploring the U.S., the lady from Arizona who about a decade ago traded in white river rafter for playing the harmonica when she turned fifty, because you can play harmonica “even in the wheelchair,” the Baroque music expert who flew over from Berlin for the long weekend, the great Billy Branch from Chicago talking about “cool cats” and playing even cooler tunes, the west coast guy who had lost his 28 year old daughter and told me about how his pain muted him for months made him also a more passionate and heartfelt player. In the end this is what the Blues is about. Oh believe me, I would so much rather write about our weekend in Mississippi, the occasional sad but mostly exhilarating moments. But how can I after what happened only a few hours later? It is a sleepless night, and the pain feels raw. My friend and colleague Ba.rbara Fi.scher died a few hours ago in a car accident. Many of you knew her, as a colleague, as a professor, as a friend, as a beautiful soul. At around 6 p.m. last night a motorcycle hit Bar.bara’s Volvo head-on, the young driver had lost control. He died, so did Ba.rbara. Katha.rina was with Barb.ara in the car and survived with minor injuries. This is why my heart is breaking today. I lost a friend and colleague. But two children have lost their mother, and their father has lost his wife and is left standing with shards of a once beautiful family. When I was five years old my own mother died. She did not pass away, she did not become an angel, you can make it sound as nice as you wish, for me she DIED. After a while others did not talk about her anymore, since they probably uneasy, it was anyway time to move on, oh how the death of others can bring out the innermost fear about our own mortality, so we recommend counseling, and then at some point declare that it is “time to move on.” But if you have seen the abyss, you know what I am talking about, it is not so simple. Your mother was ninety and you fifty when she died? It still hit you. It still hurts you. Maybe you do not even realize it at first. I used to say that it was good thing that I was only five – what utter and absolute nonsense. Only a few years ago I faced my memories, my uneasiness every Mothers Day when others visit or call their mothers, send cards, and tell happily about it. Tonight I feel again like a motherless child, because I ache for Kath.arina and Chris.topher who lost their mother. And my heart aches because I can only guess how terrible it must be for a mother to die and leave her young children behind. So, Barb.ara, I am promising you to keep your memory alive and share with your children my stories and memories about you so that they know how much we all loved you and that they are not alone when they are missing you. Regardless where we are, we can grieve together, and we can share stories about you. And we will not forget how precious every moment of our own life is and that we better live it to the fullest and enjoy it as best as we can. With many tears but even more love, Ras.ma.

Still five!!!

Got the call from the embryologist this morning.  All five are still growing!  She said four of them are graded top quality and are textbook perfect 8 cells.  This is the last report we'll get before going in for transfer on Tuesday.  I have to figure out how to make it through the workday on Monday without going insane!

It's been a pretty low key day today. Woke up at 5:30 because the dog needed to go out and couldn't get back to sleep after that.

Around 11:00 I was sitting on the couch and I had the worst gas pain I have ever had. Like doubled over take your breath away pain. A few seconds later it happened again. After that I started feeling shaky, lightheaded and nauseous similar to how I felt the night before retrieval. So I went to bed and slept for about three hours.

Since I woke up my stomach has been upset. I finally took some of the phenergan they prescribed me. I'm still sore in the general ovary area moreso on the left side than the right.

Hoping that our five embies are growing and dividing like mad. We should get another report on them tomorrow.

Five

8 of the 13 eggs were mature.  5 of those fertilized.  So we've got 5 growing right now. 

The next update will be Sunday and then we won't hear anything else until the transfer on Tuesday.

I'm feeling ok this morning.  Took another dem.erol when I woke up.  As long as I'm sitting down I'm fine, but walking and moving hurts.  Glad I took today off work also. 

I'm spending the day catching up on the DVR. 

A baker's dozen!

We got thirteen eggs! Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would get that many. I am very excited to say the least.

Last night was pretty bad. The doc gave me the go ahead to take some lor.tab last night. I did and about an hour later I started feeling just awful. Lightheaded, shaky, chills and nausea. It never has that effect on me. A girl at work yesterday went home with a stomach virus so I was afraid I was getting that. I never actually threw up but came close. I went to bed at 8:30 because I couldn't stand to do anything else. I woke up when Eric came to bed at 10:30 and felt much better so I guess it was just a reaction to the meds along with everything else going on.

This morning was uneventful as we got up and drove to the clinic. I got suited up and they started my iv. Eric went off to do his part and they started my meds. My eyes started crossing when they took effect. Once in the operating room they gave me the rest of the drugs. I was awake the whole time. I probably should have asked for more drugs because it was quite painful, but I didn't. It's like I was halfway there. Once we were dine they wheeled me back out to where Eric was waiting. They told us they got thirteen and I couldn't believe it. I think I asked Eric three times if that was really the number.

We are finally back home and I'm still a little high. I think I might go pass out soon. We should get a call tomorrow with the maturity and fertilization report. Transfer is scheduled for Tuesday.

Sorry if this post is all over the place. Like I said, I'm still a bit high.

IVF is taking over my life.  I was looking at my wallet today and thought, "that looks a lot like follicles on an ultrasound".  Clearly I've lost it.

I caved and called the doctor to see if I could take anything tonight to help with the aches.  I was miserable last night.  My arms and shoulders of all things were hurting.  The nurse called me back and said that sometimes they'll let you take lor.tab.  I have some leftover so she's going to run it by the doctor and call me back and let me know.  I just need it to get to sleep.  I would have killed for some ambien last night.

Funny moment from yesterday.  I sent Eric to the store over his lunch break to get the enema that I have to do tonight (NOT looking forward to that at all).  Also on the list were Slim Fast (for him) and Fiber Bars (for me).  He said the cashier kind of gave him a weird look.  Better him than me. 

I'm enjoying not having any shots today.  I even got to sleep in (6:30 as opposed to 5:00).  The crick in my neck is almost better too. 

I'm caught up on everything at work too.  Spending the rest of the day looking busy so that my boss doesn't give me anything else to do. 

Trigger!

Had another date with the dildocam this morning.  The nurse didn't read my chart carefully and thought that I was doing an IUI instead of IVF.  She was freaking out about the number of follicles.  Still around 12.  Retrieval is scheduled for Thursday morning.  We do the trigger shot tonight at 10 pm, which will be a feat since I've been going to bed at 8:00 lately. 

The meds make me super tired and my whole body aches.  By the time I get home from work all I want to do is crash.  This morning I woke up with a crick in my neck which is not helping matters.  I got Eric to massage it and it felt better for about thirty minutes, but now it's stiffened up again.

I'm ready to get this show on the road. 

Stim Day 9

Looks like my ovaries are being lazy.  Slowly, but surely.  Today's ultrasound showed 6 follicles on the right.  Up from 3 at the last ultrasound.  The left ovary like always, hid.  It took her a long time to find it and even when she did, she didn't get a clear picture of it.  She saw 5 follicles. Last time there were 6 on the left, so I'm going to go with that since she didn't have a good picture.

The largest follicle was 1.7 cm, so I'm in for one more day of stims, maybe two.  I'm just waiting to hear back after the doc goes over bloodwork and all.  We only have enough stims left for one day.  I'm torn between wanting to be done tomorrow or going another day.  Another day will be more money (and a whopping 11 days of stims).  But if it makes the difference between more mature eggs, I'll gladly pay the money.  Eric is freaking out about it.  The money thing stresses him out majorly.  Maybe they can donate us one day's worth of meds. 

So retrieval will be sometime this week.  Earliest Wednesday, but more likely Thursday or Friday. 

I am still exhausted all the time.  I didn't have my normal weekend midday nap yesterday and had to go to bed at 8:00.  I wanted to go to sleep at 7:00, but made myself stay up for another hour. 

So more waiting.  I'm at work and can't do anything because our database is locked down.  I hope it opens today so I'll have stuff to do to distract me from the waiting. 

80 years old

That's what I feel like.  I didn't get home last night until 8:30 because I had a hair appointment after work.  I got home and felt like an old woman.  I was exhausted and my whole body ached.  I made myself some food (grilled cheese and black bean sandwich, kind of weird craving) and then went straight to bed.  Still tired this morning.  I definitely did not want to come in to work.

I finally heard back about my bloodwork yesterday.

Estradiol: 292
Progesterone: .5

I continue to do AM and PM injections and go back in Monday morning for more monitoring.  I plan on taking it easy this weekend. 

New app test and monitoring appointment

Posting from my phone so I hope this works.

Had my first monitoring appointment this morning. Saw six follicles on the left ovary and three on the right. All under a centimeter. I'm waiting to hear bloodwork results to know when I'm supposed to go back in. Last time I had four on the left and three on the right. Anyone know what the chances of some more follicles showing up are? Today is stim day five.

I'm getting my hair cut tonight after work and since I won't have time to go home first I brought my meds with me. They're in the work fridge. $500 worth of meds. If anyone touces them they're dead.

Stim Day 2

Today is our second day of stims.  To refresh your memory, we're doing shots twice a day.  I could already feel something going on last night, which is comforting.  Seeing how poorly I responded last time, it's good to already feel like something is happening.

I'm at work and don't feel like being here at all.  I'm working on getting everything done that I possibly can so that I don't go crazy when I get back after being off for the retrieval and transfer. 

As far as side effects go, there haven't been any major ones.  I've had a few slight headaches, but nothing really bad.  About 30 minutes ago I started to feel lightheaded and shaky.  It could be because I haven't eaten much today.  I think I'm about to head out for an early lunch to try to combat that.

Not much else going on.  Thursday is my first monitoring appointment and we'll know more then about how I'm responding.  Until then I'm thinking positively and doing lots of visualisations of growing follicles.

Lots of stuff!

So much to talk about! 

First: We went to the Resolve Family Building Conference in Atlanta this past Saturday.  Eric went mainly to humor me because I wanted him to go, but he said that he actually enjoyed himself and got something out of it.  We got to go to different breakout sessions going over everything from strengthening your relationship, to being an advocate for yourself during the process to talking about different things like Male Factor, and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. 

There was also an Ask the Experts time where you got to have one on one time with REs from the Atlanta area.  It was basically like getting a very quick second opinion.  We have some ideas for a couple of more tests that Eric wants to run.  We got confirmation that the protocol we're doing this time is the right one.  And I got some clarification on Diminished Ovarian Reserve and that I probably have it.  :(  We also got to visit with some local couples that we have gotten to know through Resolve (Kara and Jason and Liz and Brian). 

We had a lot of time to talk on the drive home and we got some things out in the open that had been bothering us individually for a while.  I think we're going to make an appointment with a counselor at our RE's office to continue the discussion on those issues.

Tonight is our local Resolve meeting and I'm excited to go and share everything we learned at the conference. 

We just had our pre-cycle appointment this morning over the phone and tomorrow is my suppression check.  So without further ado, here is the new schedule:

5/6 - Start Mic.rodo.se L.up.ron 2x a day, Dex.amethas.one at night.  Continue both until HCG trigger
5/9 - Start Stim meds: AM: 225 IU F.oll.istim and 75 IU Me.nopur PM: 300 IU F.oll.istim
5/16 - Begin antibiotic
5/18-5/21 - Tentative Egg Retrieval

It's falling at a kind of crucial time at work, but I'm not worrying about it.  My boss knows about it now, and I've told him that the schedule is the schedule.  We have to follow my body, and when it's ready, it's time.  So hopefully he won't be too much of an ass about it.

I also have to start taking the glu.copha.age again.  I'm going to ask them to retest my insulin tomorrow to see if it has gone down any.  Those meds do a number on my stomach.  But if I have to take them, I will.  I'll do whatever it takes to increase the chances of this working.

So that's the update from my little world. 
 

Various

Can birth control cause gas?  Cause I have it with a vengeance.  It feels like there's a huge bubble just sitting underneath my ribs.  And I've had a headache for two days.  Just as long as I've been back on the birth control again. 

I'm not complaining though.  I'm ready to get this show on the road and if it means headaches and gas, then so be it.

I wanted to say a major thank you to Kara who has generously offered me her extra Fo.llistim from her previous IVF cycle.  It's almost half of what we need, which is huge!!  Thank you again!  We're still working to see if we can get the rest donated from the clinic, but if we can't this is a huge help with the finances.  I'm waiting to get my calendar to see how the rest of this cycle will pan out.  I think I'll only be on birth control for a week and then start Lu.pron 3 days after that.  At least that's what was on the last calendar. 

I talked Eric into going to Resolve's 2010 Atlanta Family Building Conference on May 1st.  Since we're trying to pinch pennies and didn't want to deal with the hassle of boarding the dog for a night, we're going to get up at the ass-crack of dawn and drive there that morning (we're about 2.5 hours from Atlanta).  I'm just planning to overdose on caffeine.  It'll probably be my last chance to do so.  I'll get to experience doing injections in random public bathrooms like your average junkie.  Yay! 

So that's what's going on here.  Just waiting, the usual.