Giveaway Winners....

I used Random.org to generate two winners and the rose clips will go to the 3rd and 17th comments on yesterday's post. So that is Tina and Jen!

I would post the proof from Random.org but I couldn't figure out how to capture the image. How do you do that?! I gave up. 

I wish I could buy and send one to everyone of you who shared your memories of your babies. It was really nice to read through the things that we remember as beautiful and special. Thank you to everyone who left a comment.

My friend Sonia, who makes those pretty flowers as pins or clips, said she has just finished making several new ones. I think she said she has a blue, taupe, pink, red, and brown ones ready. She's going to take a photograph tonight so I can let you choose which one you'd like.

Email me at westcoast3m@yahoo.ca so that I know where to share the photos with you. Once you've made your choices I'll just need your mailing addresses and I will get them to you ASAP. If you're both in the US it will be faster for me to drive over and mail them from your side of the border. Merry, merry.

25 Days of Giveaways

Welcome to day 5 of 25 days of Giveaways, the wonderfully inspired idea of Tina at Living Without Sophie and Ellie. I am happy to participate again this year. I haven't been blogging or reading blogs very much in the last year and I miss it. It was all the bereaved mums online who got me through those terrible early months after our George died and on through that first year. Just once my husband was laid off and I had to get busy with freelance work, well, there isn't much time left. He's been working since last fall but we're still trying to get back on track. Some day!

The first year I participated in this giveaway I was absolutely broken by grief. The last thing I wanted to do was celebrate anything when our lives had been turned upside down. It was nice to reach out to other women who understood  and to comfort each other in a season that reminded us of what we'd lost. Now, two years later, not a day goes by that I don't remember our son and long to have him with us but the grief, while still there, is less raw. We all remember him and know there is a place empty where there should be a brother. I'm happy that my older children remember George and speak his name and I am beyond grateful there is a new little person in our midst - the most loved and doted on rainbow baby sister in the world. Nothing compares to the love from siblings who know what it is to lose their sibling.

For those of you waiting for a rainbow or suffering the recent death of an infant, I pray you find some comfort and understanding among the babylost women online. For this giveaway I'm offering two beautiful handmade flowers. In the past I've offering some of my own handknits, but this time I wanted to offer something pretty and symbolic of hope and love. A friend here makes beautiful little rose clips that are perfect to go on a hat, shawl, sweater, coat - wherever you want a floral accent and bit of whimsy - and it struck me that this is exactly what I want to share with other bereaved mothers. My friend is in the process of making more so I'll be able to let the winners choose from her new batch so there will be some choice of colour. For now I'll show you two that I have bought from her, one pink, purple, and cream and the other shades of brown.

Leave a comment and I will close the contest at 12 midnight December 5th Pacific Standard Time because I'm a West Coast gal. I'll then use random.org to pick two winners from among the comments. I'm putting this post up a bit early - December 4th here where I am - because I know on the other side of the world it is already December 5th or nearly December 5th. I don't want to leave anyone out!

Often we focus on our sorrow and grief journey. So for something a bit different I thought I'd ask if everyone to share something beautiful that you remember about your baby or pregnancy. I'll go first:

George was our fifth child and fourth son; he was the first child for whom we knew gender. The week before he was died during my labour (full-term stillbirth), we got the video camera out and had the other children talking to him in my belly. Everyone was so excited to meet the baby - they didn't know it would be another boy as we kept that a surprise - and they patted my tummy and told him how much they loved him. It is bittersweet to watch now but it makes me think how loved this little soul was. He was loved and wanted and surrounded by the laughter and hopeful anticipation of his siblings. And then he went gently and surrounded by love. He was big and beautiful and looked just like his brothers and sisters. While I wish he was here with us, that gives me some comfort.

Wishing everyone the peace that surpasses all understanding for this Christmas, Hannukah, and holiday season.

Two Years

I cannot believe it has been two years since our baby George's heart stopped beating shortly before he was born into this world. Our beautiful, much loved boy.

Our rainbow baby, a girl, was born in early March. One bittersweet thing is that a friend of mine from where we used to live had emailed me last summer to ask if I was pregnant. I was - but I wasn't telling anyone because my husband had been laid off (without severance pay - a nightmare). I confirmed I was pregnant about four days before he was laid off and I decided not to tell him we were going to have a baby until he had found work. I kept it a secret for almost the whole summer. So when this friend asked, I sidestepped her question. She said she had a dream the previous night that George came to her and told her I was having a baby and that it was a girl.

Part of me is envious that he came to her in a dream....I long to see him again. I had a dream of him shortly after he died that was so vivid and so peaceful. I was holding him and he was nursing and he looked up at me with lovely deep blue eyes, just like those of all his siblings. Oh, how I want to see and hold my boy again.

I worried and wondered the whole pregnancy whether our rainbow baby would arrive safely and the irony is that she did but I nearly died a few hours after she was born. My uterus threw in the towel really. The doctors called it a "lazy" uterus after six births, not contracting as it should. I prefer to think it was overtired. It was frightening how quickly I lost over half my blood volume. I kept telling the nurse I felt tired and weak - not the normal post-birth rush of energy. My uterus it turns out was filling up with blood so essentially my body hid the fact I was bleeding out.

Three blood transfusions and a whole lot of rest later and I'm feeling nearly human again - and ever so grateful for our healthy beautiful little girl Margaret. Her birth is healing for all of us - as our third son says over and over, "It's so much more fun to have a living baby than a dead baby, Mum."

We're going to celebrate George's too-short life on his birthday of May 19th. We're going to have cake for the cake-eaters and pie for the pie-eaters. We are a family divided when it comes to special desserts so we'll have both for George. And I'm going to get bubbles for the children to blow to the sky.

Oh, how I wish our son was here with us. A sturdy little toddler like his older siblings were. Talking and laughing, ready to enjoy his birthday dessert. So many people moan about the terrible twos and I've never understood that because I love the toddler stage; I understand how they get frustrated when they can't do or say what they want to and aren't yet capable of doing or saying. No, for me, the only terrible two in my life is marking the second year since our fifth child died.

Forever loved and forever missed sweet boy.

Bereaved sibling anxiety

When we told the children we were expecting again they were thrilled. My husband held up the ultrasound picture and asked if they knew what it meant and the older two boys immediately started to cheer. It was lovely. The younger two, when the penny dropped, jumped up and down.

Probably the most touching comment was from our oldest boy, who is in grade five. He said, "Oh, this is GREAT! I've prayed for a new baby every single day since George died. Finally!!"

Then, after the initial moments of happiness, they all got quiet. We were putting the younger two to bed when they started to ask us if this baby would die like their little brother George. Heartbreaking. The older two asked before they, too, turned in for the night.

As much as I want to reassure my children that this baby won't die, I no longer feel guaranteed that a healthy pregnancy will result in a living baby. I refuse to lie to them; I can't guarantee this baby will live and I don't want to promise something that I don't know is a certainty. Losing our son during labour - when I thought was homefree and bringing that baby home - has changed everything. Not just for me.

I've tried to reassure them that the stats are in our favour; the four of them were born just fine and what happened with George was random. I had one mother suggest I tell them that if they pray all will be well, but to me that would be wrong. What if they prayed and something did happen to this baby? I know women who have had back-to-back losses. I would hate to have my children think that either they didn't pray hard or well enough - or - that they were ignored. Personally I don't think God takes babies, I think things happen. I don't know why. I have a lot of questions. But I know how hard this grief journey has been for each of them and I simply cannot make a blanket promise that all will be well. It would be devastating for them if that proved not to be true.

This week a friend here where we live gave birth to a baby. A few of her older children are classmates of my older children and we're friends. I told the children before school, "Oh, by the way, Mrs. S. had a baby boy last night."

My children - all four of them - stopped and looked at me quietly. Then my third son asked what they were all thinking, "Did the baby live?"

It breaks my heart that our children know babies die. That a healthy mum and pregnancy don't guarantee a healthy baby. When I cried over this with a few mothers later they reassured me that the compassion my children have for bereavement shows through their words and actions. But it's sad to think of future bereaved parents, even if they are consoled by my surviving children.

And the little question articulater, our Mini-man in grade one, summed up all of our anxiety over this upcoming delivery so poignantly later. He snuggled up to me and rubbed my big belly and then said, "Oh, Mum. I hope this baby lives, too. Having a dead baby isn't very much fun."

Wishing

I haven't blogged in ages. Ages.

In early July my husband was unexpectedly laid off - and his employers were particularly sneaky in making it a "temporary" layoff so there was no severance. It was a real blow after the year we've had. Baby dies, I'm not working much, when I work I get shorted by the friend's husband I did work for (basically worked for free for about three months).... My husband's work had first declared they wouldn't pay for overtime (but he still had to work it), then reduced his work week to four days a week and then three....he was only back to full time a short while when he was laid off.

It sent me sideways.

Worst of all was that just days before he was laid off I suspected I was pregnant. I was, but didn't tell my husband until he had a job offer he accepted in August. It was just too stressful and I didn't want to add to his stress.

Fall has been busy and happily I've had more and more freelance writing work for a corporate client that is ideal - reliable and nice to work with. Still we've had more stresses and at times I feel tired of the constant one step forward, two steps back.

The pregnancy for our rainbow baby is going well - but it's small comfort because George's pregnancy went well right up until the moment during my labour that his cord got compressed and he died in minutes. I know so many other wonderful women who have lost their rainbow babies and my sister's friend lost her second child to a cord accident before Christmas....it is heartbreaking to be aware of how common infant loss is in our generation. I sometimes feel like the voice of gloom and doom among other mothers who still really believe that a positive pregnancy test results in a living, breathing baby to bring home to outlive them. It's especially hard when people are convinced that babies only die "for a reason" and I get to pop that bubble with statistics.

Baby is due St. Patrick's Day, which made me weep when I did the dates from my charts (and then had them confirmed by the ultrasound). Given that both our families are of Irish background that seems a very special due date. Plus, since our baby was George Patrick it seems even that much more auspicious.

So one day at a time. I'm sure some people don't understand but everything is different after baby loss. Everything.

I find myself wishing I could change the events of 2009 and 2010. Wishing I didn't feel I have my eyes wide open and clear vision to the reality others doubt. And most of all wishing for all of us a kinder and gentler 2011.