You know the kinda revelational moment you get at rare moments and your heart confirms it?

278th post




You know the kinda revelational moment you get at rare moments and your heart confirms it?
Yeah I just got it today.

It was really like woahhhh, HUGE relief!
It's probably unimaginable if you've not experienced sth you're stuck for more than a year.


One person to thank God for is my new UL Weihong.

He's quite a debate, I mean discuss haha, person and what he shared to me were different from what I've always been holding on to.
However, different inputs led to a new thinking pattern and results were rather amazing.

Explored another side of myself and I find it a near radical.. change?

Not that I've performed it to the fullest [ or even half ] but the attitude is not the same indeed.


Hope I can be faithful with this given grace.

A thousand words and more.

277th post



How apt.

And I promise to testify.

276th post

Argh the near overwhelming horrible dread is back again.
Always here whenever school is about to begin. [ Can't you just get lost?! Lol.. ]

Instead of saying I can't wait to graduate, I really don't see the point in continuing my studies.
Except to at least get a diploma so that I can seem 'more qualified' to be a full time tutor.

Honestly, if not for my parents, I'd have just given up on this and start working.

And now I'm only halfway through..



The only comforting thought now is that God is in control of my destiny.
Glad to be a creation of a Creator who not just knows what's going on, but hopes for the best for that creation despite having many others who are way ahead.



Oh oh and God!
Since You can even fill decayed teeth with gold, would You please heal my fingers to perfectly normal and not itch anymore? &&& the bones and skin to be perfectly normal like how it used to be before I was 10!

Ah God, I really wanna go for missions. You know how much I felt after watching all that No Minwoo had done in Africa. Would You please, just heal me completely of this chronic dermatitis I'm down with since I'm born so that I can go? Though the docs say I can't be, I know that You can and I truly pray that You will too. Even if it's places way dirtier, I'm willing.

'Instead of ghosts and spirits, I'm more afraid of humans.'

275th post

'Instead of ghosts and spirits, I'm more afraid of humans.'
-Kyuhyun



A child's prayer:
'Dear God, please make all the bad people good, the good people nice.'


Saw that on Ms Denise Phua's fb and thought, how very true.


Why are people out to hurt one another?
And when we are called Children of God?

Are you sure?






God, come back soon please.
I'll do my best in getting ready.



Romans 12:16-20
New International Version (NIV)
16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.

 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[b] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
   if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[c]

To My Primary School Friends. The lovely people.

274th post

I've always been not as liberal as with the term 'friend'. Many people that I know are just acquaintances, classmate, church mate, lg mate, unit mate, pri or sec school classmate etc. To me, a friend has to be someone whom I enjoy his or her presence / hanging out with , and with a certain level of mutual trust.

And to this, I really wanna thank God for these primary school friends that I have, people whom I hold pretty close to my mind and heart:

Cui Rui Rui,
My one and only girlfriend, who probably trusts me the most in this entire world, and vice versa. I never - never, have to doubt her loyalty nor afraid of being back stabbed or gossiped of. Maybe you'll see this after I die lol, but I really love you, and so thankful for you. You can never imagine the level of gratitude I have for knowing you, and that you actually chose to stick with me for the whole of 6 years till now despite of all the nonsense I've done, that have even hurt you in the past, thank you dearest. If I have 20cents with me, you'll definitely get a 10 cents. You've earned my trust; it's almost 100%. Even I can't believe it; it's incredible. I love you.


Chia Wee Wee,
Thank you so much for the sharing just now, I'm just so glad that there's someone who was there and knows what I'm talking about as I relieved probably the most precious memories up to this day of my life. I really love Hong Wen cause of the brilliant memories, and really, I've never enjoyed school since then. I'm happy to be able to listen to you too, and that it helped you feel relieved, that's even better heh; it's probably the least that I can do as we meet every 6 months lol~ I know you're someone who can give me practical advices if I need them in time to come. Loveyou too.



Joanni,
Just remembered how we used to call each other practically every single day to talk on the phone in P4 and how your mum even had to stop me lol. Enjoyed the times we had together when I went to your house, and the phone calls we made. Thank you for being the one who compiled and delivered hw for me when I had chicken pox in P5, thank you for letting me be one of your close friends when you came to 4A. So honoured too. Please join us the next time for our gathering, missyou hahaha~



Hweejuan,
I've never regretted making the first commitment in my life , which is to befriend you when you joined 5A :) Though you were probably the most shunned person with the unending vulgarities and violence which really scared the hell outta me as nobody had bullied me like you did, I'm really thankful that we became friends who still kept in touch till now. I was really touched that you considered me a friend, given the fact that you probably have a lower level of trust in people than me. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you, Hweejuan :)



Haozhi,
Although we basically didn't talk much in Hong Wen, and weren't even on good terms lol, I still remember us taking a spelling retest together in P3 as I sat beside you, which was the first time I talked more with you, and you actually helped me cheat though you were wrong in spelling abroad as aboard and I got it wrong too *laughs* And this time when we were playing soccer at that corner of the field which belongs to us 3A 4A 5A 6R, I just randomly smiled at you when someone went to pick the ball and you actually smiled back - to my absolute surprise hahaha. Now we are more of like birthday friends; catching up a little every year with the exchange of greetings. I'll always remember your birthday is exactly 2 weeks before mine on the 25th haha~ You're the only person whom I've never met up with to catch up, but I hope someday you'll know that I really treat you as a special friend of mine whom I'm very thankful and honored to have known. Thanks for the short poem you wrote for me 4 years back lol, you're the only person who've ever done that haha~ Ah I wrote a lot didn't I, cause first time! Lolllll~ I'm hoping that you'll invite me to your wedding aha! Really hope you'll find a good girl hah, cause you deserve one :)




Ah I think that's about it, thank you all for being a part of the most brilliant memories I have. If I'm given a choice, I hope to be able to stay in Hong Wen with you guys just like that. Love and miss you all. Really.
:)

My Secret Dream

273rd post

Before sleeping last night, I was reading tweets as usual. 'By the way, tvN's Star Hunt has extended its deadline to 9 Oct! ...'

That caught my eye and I cont' to read on, only to realise that tvN, Cube Ent (Beast, 4 Minute, G.NA) and some other company are looking for 10 finalists to take part in some Korean competition like Superstar K3, 2 from Singapore. Top 100 from each country will be chosen to go for local auditions and then the final 2.


Just two days ago, I watched a video of a female idol ( Minah ) my age being able to share the history of her fandom to her idol, Yunho ( DBSK ) who also appeared on the same show. She even got to perform a dance tribute for him, and with him ( and Changmin ). I was so so envious, and honestly, really happy as well, as though part of my dream came true.



It felt like, ah, so this isn't that far-fetched a dream.



I've liked watching dances since young, especially hip hop.

I love the strength the beats give me,
and it's a huge wow to me when people are able to grasp the beats accurately and perform their dances powerfully like Eunhyuk and Taemin. I love watching them dance, really.

It's only until I liked Kpop that I started learning those dances on my own. And it's actually these dances that shaped me to be more and more perfectionist.
In getting the exact moves, at the exact beats.

I believe a general / recommended guideline to your future job is what you enjoy doing ( in your free time ) cause I can't bear doing sth I don't enjoy for a living.

I thought about what is it that I enjoy doing. Apart from teaching, writing and reading, I truly like ( even look forward to ha ) learning Kpop dances and going Kbox ( haha ).


I thought about a lot of other stuff, the crazy imagination of going on KSJ, was almost ready to prepare for the video, until I spent the whole afternoon researching about the 2 Sporean JYP trainees' contract and lifestyle of a trainee. Found a thread of a ( possibly SM ) trainee answering queries even.


Those really made me go ah, better not.

I cannot imagine having to go to the gym daily. It's a physical thing that I cannot overcome with sheer perseverance given my chronic dermatitis ( sensitive skin condition ).
I cannot imagine being screamed at in dance rooms just because my hand is raised slightly lower. That will kill my interest in it.
I cannot imagine having training from 7am to 10pm daily.
I cannot imagine being forbidden to eat and drink after 7pm ( not even a single drop of water ) and cont' training.
I cannot imagine having someone follow me everywhere, including going to the toilet.
I cannot imagine having to train for 6 years without a guarantee of debuting.

Lastly, I don't think I can bear to let go of my freedom for such a long time.




I know writing all these sound crazy, but this is a secret dream of mine, haha.

If I'm a born healthy Korean, I'd most probably have chosen this route. I'd rather not have to go to school.

Oh wells, God, You've gotta let me meet the SJ boys and chat with them face to face in Heaven at least haha~

Prayer

272nd post

Came to me during ULG Prayer.

'Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ

1 What shall we say then? Are we to remain in sin so that grace may increase?
2 Absolutely not! How can we who died to sin still live in it?'


How true. How can we be the children of God by sinning continuously?

Call for help. Serious help

271st post

I don't think I've ever been stressed academically before, like now.

Even though there were some modules which I didn't know how to pass, somehow I just won't really be that worried so long as it's sth that can be studied. 

Things are different now due to the heavy emphasis on practicals, ESP my core module of 8 credit units - 70 percent on prac T.T

I don't think anyone I know can understand the fear I have for practicals. It's been with me since the first lab lesson I attended way back in P4. And I always remember being the redundant, or even burden for the group whenever we conducted experiments, like seeing how magnets when hung freely, react to the various materials etc.

This continued to haunt me during my secondary school days, when I only got 20 percent for a chemistry practical and was being singled out in class. 

And now, being much more difficult with having to use equiments called ophthalmoscope and biomicroscope to check health of different parts of the eyes.

It doesn't help when I'm probably the only one who can't see and draw the stuff required and the prac test is next next week and there're only 2 prac sessions before that. 

I think I've never really ranted about academics here for the past two years, but this is kinda freaking me out cause I'll have to do all these scary things for the next 1.5 years continuously. 2.5 if I fail this module cause we aren't allowed to proceed to year 3.
  I've never expected myself to experience such a thing too. 



Maybe this is really a test of faith since I've never really needed as much help and assurance as now academically. 

God you've really gotta help me please. Please take away the dread and fear in me whenever I think about the next year. It's near unbearable

270th post


If Christianity believes in reincarnation, I'd most probably be that of Thomas. 

And maybe a lil of Paul.

Oh my, help me please God

One place everyone wants to be at is probably their own funerals.

269th post

This hols I'll be doing video messages to be played during my funeral.
Don't worry, I'll not take my life, neither do I dare to do so haha.

It's been sth I wanna do for a real long time, since last year or even longer.

And it's during such a time that you've quite a good idea who are the leads of your life.

Just bear with me during the funeral yeah, last time already haha.


Dear Lord,
All I ask for is that I'll be safe in Your hands, facing the Judgment Seat of Christ and not just the Great White Throne.
And can you let me hug Jesus please hehehe ^^

Wanna say thank you so so much for dying on the Cross for me, for letting me enter Heaven, for this salvation, for all the blessings, for loving this wretch who's still struggling to change.

Shouting Out

268th post


Just a shout out to some people. Of which Most aren't reading haha.


Yap Yingjie: My faithful reader, how great art thou HAHA. Okay lah just wanna say really appreciate this act of yours, though this isn't a blog meant to be read by many since I isn't publicise it or even kept it hidden, it's still encouraging knowing that we can kit via blogs too! The Facebook convos, seeing you around before/after services.. Even more to come when we use textile together! And we can like hang out near my territory wahaha. Annyeong! 



Angel:  My monkey; Dora has a monkey for her explorations hahaha. Food brings people together, indeed! And as a very mystery based fellow, I only share with people whom I bring so you are privileged HAHA. Though I really don't like ( I'll love to use abhor ) your recent association with bitchiness (the source blabla) and such (haha), I'll still go good-food-hunting with you cause you exceed 1% of trust *laughs* It will be lost if the association with bitchiness increases though!



Gerald: Thanks for the discounted Lion King and artscience museum tickets!
'Actually the first person I thought of was you, but since I've 5tickets I thought maybe I should make it a LG outing, but I'm afraid you'll feel uncomfortable since it's all guys...  I only wanna invite people who can appreciate it...'
Thanks a lot, for placing me on the 'priority list' and thinking so well of me. You're probably the only person who does that apart from Eugenia.
Though I don't think I deserve it, I'm utterly, thankful for such a friend like you; Talented, witty litty friend :)



Albin Tan: My 02 HPY! Thank you so much for being in 02, the only person I can go to for help academically. Your willingness to share and teach is really rare, and I always enjoy hanging out with you and Koksoon! That's hard to come by too haha. I'm looking forward to working for you! *laughs*

265th post

I rarely bless outta obligation, like for what, unless it's like farewell *laughs* So please don't doubt it, whoever is reading this ha.

To Save A Life was not bad, though it's not better than Xmen for sure as claimed by Leanne haha. Chris saved the show, I think. And the subtle representations such as change of hairstyle signifying change of beliefs were good too, and exposing the idea of earning salvation.

Throughout the movie it felt like.. maybe Enhan thought the same way as Roger? And I wonder how many replicas of them are there out there. I hope some were at the movie.

'Why is everyone leaving this earth'

264th post

Has been 4 months since I last posted sth, and this time round it's actually quite heavy, haha.

Just attended the wake of Yuwen's Mum. Honestly, I don't really know her, only seen her once and chatted a lil when we were having steamboat at her place. Somehow, it felt like her mum always looked at her with loving eyes. As in seriously, even when she smiled it gave me that kinda feel, you know when you say 慈祥.

And suddenly, she passed away with an unknown reason.

When I was affirming Yuwen during the previous camp, she cried and said she cries easily whenever people says such stuff to her cause she's a words person. As I thought about this, I wonder how bad it is for her right now as she thinks about what her mum said to her, what she said to her mum, the last words before she left all of a sudden.

After our Christian service, we stepped outside and as I looked back, I saw Yuwen's Dad stand beside the coffin, looking at her Mum.
It seemed he wanted to caress his wife, but the glass is in the way.

It seemed he wanted to show his love once again, but death is in the way.

It wasn't just a look; it was with longing,
regrets, inexpressible love.

Endearment.


Tears were welling up as I saw that.
I wonder, how painful is that.


Now I truly feel like telling my parents how much I love and appreciate them.


As I sat there, I thought, what if it's my mum instead. And I nearly teared immediately.
And at that moment, God reminded me that's how Yuwen's feeling right now. Or even worse.


I wanna bless her so much more, but due to lack of cash and income for this month, I'm hampered. But I'll bless her in a continuous manner. I wanna do so. It's probably the least that I can do.


Thought to myself, if it's my mum, I probably can't stop crying. I love her too much I guess. And reliance too. For support. And regrets, cause I've yet pampered her as much as I want to.

Dear God, please at least let me show my mummy how much I love her. Please let me treat her like how she treated me too, her favourite. And most importantly, please let her receive genuine salvation first. Please. God please. I promise to put in extra effort in doing my best in practising WWJD. Yet not to earn salvation, but a true regeneration

2 Timothy 2

263rd post

Was reading 2 Timothy 2 last night during QT.
Powerful, wise last words; advices.

'16 Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.'

How true.



Can't wait for the coming hols when I can get into my focused learning mode.

Apologetics, Intelligent Design, Christian Ethics, Shroud of Turin here I come, soon!

A kind of warmth that is beyond blood relations

262nd post

Yesterday, I confirmed a trait of mine.
I'm biased towards people whom I haven't seen for a long time. Or should I say tend to treat them much better cause their presence are missed haha.

That's also why I don't understand how people can see a person every single day.

I've experienced it once [ meeting straight for a week or 8 outta 9 days or sth ] with a friend whom I classify under Unclassified in my Friendship Hierarchy and in the end, both of us confessed the sian-ness to each other haha.

And this explains my wish of finding one whom I just have to meet every 2 other days heh. Angel and Shayne were like ?! but oh wells, I have faith *laughs*


Anyway, felt really blessed by Hanyang's Mum yest too.
For the first time in my life, I received such a 'fat' red packet. Not even my parents or any relatives have blessed me in such a manner.

Financial blessing is indeed to be thankful for, but more importantly, Hanyang told me his Mum wanted to write a letter to me. She didn't cause she doesn't know how to write my name haha. Also, she kept saying she's very grateful to me over the phone though it's really nothing.

Ah, that touched me so much.
Think I'll tear if she really did write it too.

So thankful for her. So thankful to God for allowing me to experience such a kind of warmth that is beyond blood relations.

Thank You Lord.

261st post

Plain honesty and openess.
Reliability / trustworthy.
Personal.

Today, I really understand what it means.

260th post

It was great how I could finally have the chance to share certain things I'm so.. convicted of myself yesterday? Haha.

Well nothing much, just that


1. My good friend / best friend should not be a sanguine
2. I'll prefer MelChol to MelPhleg, though the latter is fine still
3. I'm not possessive; I'm fine with my good friend / best friend meeting up with others BUT when they are with me, it has to be one to one - that is real quality time spent to me


And one more thing;
During special occasions, I'll place extra emphasis on point 3.
Thank God that He's given me a 'progressive' nature, if you know what I mean.

[ My Sis' birthday is coming up, haha ]





Anyway, when people say God is more than enough for them, do they really know what they are talking about? [ No 'shooting' intended; I've heard this quite a few times ]

If God is more than enough, why do people have other desires?
Desire for companionship, desire for material possessions, desire for achievements, and so on.

I know the standard solution is the God-shaped hole in our hearts - and I acknowledge that - but I don't think that is a conclusive answer.

Even as we acknowledge God and receive Him as our Saviour, can we really say we have no other desires at all?



When we are tempted we have unholy thoughts, and here comes the desire to satisfy our carnal nature. And this, leads to us carrying out the sins.



With desire comes action.
Today, I really understand what it means.

Talk about tears

259th post

Tears of anger are probably the more familiar ones, along with laughter.
Tears of sadness due to being unfairly treated.. those are really rare.


Yest's service made me realised that it's easier to pray for someone whom you love. The absence of stress over worry of words to be said feels real good; there's probably a higher dependency on the Spirit for guidance I guess.


Also, I came to realise that I really hate having my plans changed and people not being efficient.
I got a lil frustrated, more choleric, and less careful of my words. I hope I didn't scare or hurt.



I don't seem to know how to love unconditionally.
But once again, is there even such unconditional love, except for One?

Parents, no.
They need your physical or mental support.
Siblings, no.
'We're blood-related, have to see each other everyday also.'
Friends, no.
Projects, company, entertainment..



, and not ?; It's not even a question.

One of the biggest lies on earth is probably loving someone unconditionally.

KOREA. TAIWAN. US.

258th post

Suddenly felt like blogging aha.

Was reading the archives of my other blog which I used to update daily and realised how interestingly.. different it is. I think growth is probably the best answer.

Did discover some more intelligent quotes though, haha.

Recently, I've decided to be more frugal; I'm saving up for..


KOREA. TAIWAN. US. :D


And I'm gonna make sure that the transit for the US trip is Taiwan so I can gan diao 2 at a go muahaha.

Xiaoming told me 7-10 days is insufficient to fully experience life in the States; he said I'll need at least a month, oh my gosh.

After estimation, think I'll needa save at least 7K for everything.

I'll do it. May I persevere this time round.

Also, I've arrived at the conclusion that it's easier for me to save up than to do proper work at home. Ill discipline get away!


Think I successfully hindered an outbreak this Monday, but cause I'm eating more heaty stuff it seems to be getting back argh.
Dear Father, please please please I beg of You no outbreak, pleeeeeaseeeeee.



Currently reading Divine Comedy Vol. 1: Inferno.
In terms of fear induced, or should I say reminded, Pilgrim's Progress seems to be better; but in terms of depth - references to historical and mythological events, Divine Comedy is definitely The One.




Ah salvation salvation, how complicated you can get.