What am I missing out on?

So I am not going to apologise for the silence and neither am I going to justify for it. I was not inspired. And even if I was, I just couldn't bring myself to write. So much has transpired in my life and so much I had sacrificed for other things. Some great things... some I wonder, was the sacrifice worth it. I still can't decide. In some ways, as I looked back, I know I should have made other options... but at that point, you make the best decision you think you can and hope to God you were guided by the His conscious and not your selfish desires. And even though you wake up and realise perhaps He had nothing to do with it, you still have to continue walking and pray that He will salvage your badly made decision. 

But till I get to where He wants, I can't help but wonder about the things I am missing out on had I not been guided by selfish desires... 

God's Perfect Timing

The bible is filled with passages and versus about God's immaculate timing.. And woven in between sometimes is also the "why." It's hard to argue time with a God that is omnipresent and omnipotent and timeless. He is the same yesterday, today and forever amen. We on the other hand, change every minute. Our emotions, our thoughts, our plans, our desires, our loyalty... The only thing that has never changed is the fact that we are fickle. Perhaps maybe the degree of it increases or decreases depending on the situation.

I have come back to this blog many times since my last posting... While many things have crowded my mind and inspired me to write, I never quite gotten myself down to doing it. I can say timing wasn't right or maybe I am just too darn lazy. But yet, here I am, I find myself at the mercy of my thoughts and this blog.

It is obvious that so much has happened between the last post and this one. No point in recollecting and going down memory lane. Some parts are captured  in my prayer journal. Some parts no. The ones that aren't... Well... Water under the bridge I guess.

I was once zealous about writing because I wanted my kids to know me. But as time passes, I don't know if that day will ever come and suddenly it doesn't seem relevant anymore. Maybe I am just going through a funky moment. Maybe it isn't God's timing for me to have kids or be in a relationship yet. Or it's not His plan.

Whatever it is, His timing and His plan coupled together is a hard thing to digest... Esp for control freaks like me. But whatever it is, it brought me to back to this... My love for writing and to analyze my thoughts... Maybe that was His timing and plan all along. Who knows. Either way, whether it is a good thing, only His perfect timing and plans will tell... 

*This is dedicated to a dear friend... who constantly reminds me of God's timing... thanks RDK*

August 2011 : Sometimes He speaks a lot louder than you think!

So this weekend was quite interesting... spiritually. I have been struggling with a few things in my life at the moment and to a point, I was really feeling the toll of it - a broken friendship with my best friend, direction in life and to top it all off, someone close to me is also at a low point in her life and needs encouragement.

I am not really going to go in detail about the situation, but bottomline is, all these 3 situations put together certainly is taking a toll on my emotional strength and sometimes my faith. Not that I dont trust God but it is just trying lah especially when you feel everything is colliding and you wish the light at the end of the tunnel is a lot closer. In a way, all these things have driven me back to doing something that I sorta abandoned for a while - my prayer journal.

So, one morning I decided, it wasnt just enough to put things in words, I had to verbalise it out loud. And following that, I have had a few Divine Appointments with God.

Friday's event were quite unexpected which landed me with time to pop into church and speak to Raj about something totally random, but eventually brought me to James 1 : 2-16 and 1 Peter 1 : 3-9. Basically, both passages talk about trials and temptations and how everything we experience is not to trip us in our faith but to expose us to the refining fire, teach us perseverance, trust in Him and ultimately, strengthen and mature our faith. In fact we spoke quite a bit about the refining fire and how it is meant to burn away the impurities to reveal the priceless gold - much like our faith.

The thing is, I have no doubt in my mind that God is in control. I really dont. Enough has happened in my life for me to believe that many moons later I will turn back and give thanks for this moment of trials and testing. It is just a bit hard right now to see the light. And He knows it, so the conversation, especially after the prayer I said in the morning was like God reaching out to me to tell me He heard my prayer.

And if that wasnt enough, the sermon on Sunday was about trials and temptations as well, and sometimes we bring the temptations to ourselves because of the desires of our heart. A few things that was said by the preacher was like reiterating my conversation with Raj. Odd that I should be struggling with the temptation to get in touch with my best friend and fix our broken friendship - which is clearly not the right thing to do now for a few reasons. In addition, in doing so, I am not giving God control of the situation.

THEN, today's devotion was looking at Phillipians 4:6-7 whereby we should commit our prayers and petitions to God and then trust Him to sort it out for us. *sigh*

I feel like God is slapping me left right and center...

So seriously... He does answer... and He does speak. Problem is, are we even listening?

July 2011 : Finish the job because I work for God

Clarification

Firstly, I completely forgotten that I had posted in May!! I actually thot my last posting was in Jan... But yeah... crossroads are shite. Some ppl who read the May's posting thought I was writing about a relationship... So I need to clarify something : IT ISN'T. While it was inspired by a crossroad in a relationship, it was actually thinking about my work - a relationship I have been in for the last 4 years. 7 if you include the time before I went to UK for mission work. 7 years is a long time to serve in a company and recently, my boss has asked if I wanted to be more involved in the management dept. Not that the offer isnt tempting, after all I am so familiar with the place, people and environment. But the question I was struggling at that time was : am I staying because I am being complacent or is this what I truly want. A question we will always ask ourselves when we are in any relationship!. So hope this makes things clear.

Today's post

*sigh* This is the struggle lah... I actually have a few things to share, but not enough time. So since my last post relates to work, so, maybe I will go on the same thread again. So yes, I have been struggling at work and trying to keep myself motivated. And this lack of clarity and motivation has actually taken a toll on my mindset and performance - not that I am slacking. But maybe just not putting as much effort as I should be lah. I know I can actually do better. But am just a bit tired of the mundane environment. Many ppl tell me that the line I am in is fast paced and exciting. I dont deny it. But perhaps it is time for a change and for me to be feeling this for such a long period maybe means my spirit is not settled. So much of drama has been doing on in the office and when you reach to a certain management position, you are privy to these dramas and after a while, it takes a toll on your mental state. Not that other organisations do not have drama, but maybe I am just bored with the current state and therefore that is why my spirit isnt settled.

Maybe God is kicking my butt to do something. Maybe God wants me to understand that being content isnt a bad thing - as there are a lot of pros for me to stay where I am at. But maybe that is also me comforting myself so I dont have to face the severity of the unknown CHANGE. So many maybes...

So, while you may be telling me to go to God and speak to Him (which I really do not disagree), this is what I got:

Last night - we were reading John 7 at bible study. A key reoccurring theme was : In His Time. The disciples wanted Him to go to Judea and perform miracles to prove a point. But he said, not his time yet. Then the ppl were plotting against him, yet no one did anything. It wasnt time yet. Then the guards came back empty handed because they were confused about him. Again, it was his time yet. So... when is His time then? :-/

This morning - was doing my devotion and it was Judges 1:28 when Israel was pressing the Canaanites into forced labour but never quite finished the job. So the devotion went on to say that in all things we do, if we say we are doing it for God's glory then we MUST finish and see it through the end. God wants his people to finish the job.

"Whenever you have a project to do, make sure you complete the job fully. Go the extra distance to make sure your boss or your Client is fully satisfied with your work. You may complete 95% of your work, but if it is not completed, you will be known for what you did not finish, rather than for what you did finish."

And if I am doing my work for God's glory, therefore He is my boss. Not the earthly ppl I currently work with. And if God is my boss, therefore the way I approach my work environment should also change!

Talk about OUCH! So... while I pray for a direction and wait for His time, I guess what I need to do now is remember that I work for God. And not my earthly boss... and perhaps then I will find my zeal to persevere on.

Gambahteh!

May 2011 : Crossroads

Someone sent me a video recently - I can't recall who created it, but it is about the 5 stages in a relationship as through the guy's perspective. At some point, the couple reaches a crossroad that eventually ends with them breaking up and she moving on in life with someone else, and he missing her and whilst initially wondering if he could have done something to undo their breaking. But decisions have been made, and actions done. I dont know what eventually happens to the couple - the video doesnt show.. :-/ But it was the crossroad bit that got to me lah and the struggle to make decisions.

There are certain things in my life I sometimes wonder if I like them have come to the crossroad with perhaps the possibility of the inevitably is looming ahead. And like them, it can only be this or that, and sometimes we prolong the making of the decision because we secretly hope that if we close our eyes hard enough and click our shoes heels 3 times, it will go away.

But then you open your eyes, and realise the situation is still there! And each time you try to ignore it, more thoughts creep into your mind forcing you to make your mind, usually towards the worse of the decision. The fear of the unknown is so bad you actually consider all the worst possibilities.

I hate crossroads! And I hate the unknown! BAH HUMBUG!

PS... I know I havent been posting. Not that I didnt want to. But been busy and just too many things clouding my mind. Not really in a happy place to blog at the moment. Hence the emo posting above... BAH HUMBUG!

Jan 2011 : Flavour of the Month

WILL POWER, WHEREFORE ART THOU!?

So, it is the new year and as always, we all strive to make new resolutions. I recently heard a radio station ad, it went along the lines of a second chance at making resolutions we broke at the upcoming CNY celebration. Coming from a communications person, I must admit it was a clever message. But on a realistic note, it is rather depressing! It is almost we are such weak creatures that we can barely even keep our resolutions alive pass the first month of a new year. What is even worse, it is also true... *sigh*

Like me... *hangs head in shame*

I told myself I should vow to go to the gym more often this year... I have gone on long walks... but gym... not yet. The spirit is willing, the flesh is beyond weak... :-(

And what is worst, I can tell that I need to go to the gym.. my digestive system has been seriously not behaving itself and my immune system has also been down. I read somewhere that consistent physical activity can help the bowel movement and also improve our overall being to fight simple colds ect.

So, I am putting out a BOLO* for my will power. Last seen in the most comfortable jammies with a pillow in hand running from her gym clothes and trainers. If you see her, immobilize her and sit on her till I get there!

*BOLO = Be On the LookOut

Embarrassing indeed...

It is embarrassing indeed that I, a person who claims to write cant even find time to maintain my blog. Heck, I cant even find time to write! And it is even worse that I write for a living. I suppose my problem is, there are a lot of topics in my head, and the inspirations come at the worst possible moment esp when I have more urgent work to do.

But having said that, I have been embarking on 2 other personal projects... have been trying to be more diligent in those... so this project has sorta taken a back burner. And to be brutally honest, those 2 are my priorities at the moment... even tho there aren't any readers there! hahaha...

A writer friend of mine told me she starts blogs as a form of therapy when she has burning questions / issues that she needs to resolve. So in a way, each blog is a manifestation of some issue she is trying to resolve.

Which got me thinking again - what was my objective for this blog? Hahaha... took me a while to remember. And over time, it has evolved so not really sure what is the core substance at the moment!

So, I have decided to at least (lets not be overtly ambitious here) to have a flavour of the month i.e. a topic of the month. So, in line with the new year, check out the next posting for the Jan's Flavour!

^__^

Grace in Small Things

It has been a long time since I last did GiST.

I cant event remember when the last time was... or what it was. I remembered the Father's Day one tho. Cos I think it was the first time I ever posted a photo of me on this blog. From being anon I am slowly yet surely revealing bits of me. I guess my worry is how some ppl say online is becoming more and more accessible and open for all sorts of hacking and identity theft... so a bit worried sometimes.

Anyway, just something I am grateful for lah.

I had a good weekend (tho it started of rocky). Spent it with 9 other good friends and did some chilling out, got used to being in a pool again, even tried learning how to breath under water again and basically, it was a good time. I appreciate my friends and I also appreciate what Big Daddy said - anything for the group to have a good time. For that, I give thanks to God for.

^__^