say yes

In the absence of any compelling reason to say no, say yes.
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back to reality...

i just realised today that i've been away from Sg, in places deliberately chosen for their natural beauty / cultural richness, for almost 2 months now. i wonder how long it will take to adjust to being back...
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wordfulness

i think it's probably true to say that wordfulness only comes to me when i am happy. Weird, i know. So many writers write out of a place of pain and lack, out of the void. i can only write in the fullness of joy.
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pensées

In the Harry Potter books, Dumbledore has this thingy called a 'pensieve' which allows him to extract and store his thoughts for later reference, especially when he has too much on his mind. Consider this blog my pensieve, then. Silvery threads of words, for the pensive times.
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Words are bought with experience. Perhaps this is why i've been having doubts about This Writing Thing. Being here, living among writers and artists and listening in on them as they talk about their experiences, i wonder if i really want my life to be that happening. No -- i don't wonder: i know i don't want my life to be that happening. i don't want to pay that price. i'd like to settle down to a contentment of dishwashing, quiet conversations with friends and family, just doing what i love, without fanfare. i've had enough of adventure.
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Classical musicians are so conservative, someone said at breakfast today. Politically conservative? i asked. i cannot believe that anybody educated in the (liberal?) arts, as i believe most classical musicians must be, would be too liable to voting Republican. Perhaps 'conservative' in the older sense of the word, then -- old-fashioned, concerned with preserving things as they are, or were; interested in conservation. Yes, i can believe that. Classical music is old-fashioned, and in that sense, is an essentially conservative artform.
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Why does all this talk of conservativeness somehow put me in mind of strawberry jam.
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i just finished a 450+ page novel today. Wait, make that, i just finished reading a 450+ page novel today. It's important to make that distinction, between reading and writing -- one of the writers here at the residency is working on her 3rd novel, and if people didn't know better, i could very well be working on one, too.

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This is significant -- it really is. It's the longest novel i've finished in years - in a decade, i think. For more than 10 years, the only novels i've been able to manage were the ones with less than 200 pages -- and lots of white space. Coetzee novels.
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Maybe i should see this residency as my recovery centre -- a place to heal from whatever it was that the last decade has been about. Reading capacity being the barometer. 

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Liebe Gott im Himmel! It's been 10 years. Time to move on.

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choices

If given a choice between art and happiness, i'd choose happiness.
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No contest.
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suscipe

Take, Lord, and receive
all my liberty,
my memory,
my understanding,
and my entire will.
All I have and call my own,
You have given to me;
to You, Lord, I return it.
Everything is Yours;
do with it what You will.
Give me only Your love and Your grace.
That is enough for me.
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(Ignatius of Loyola)
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the river, it keeps runnin'

One week here in Vermont -- and i still don't know where this is all going to lead. Life's all about balance, and discernment in the moment; and between the usual inspirational gobstuff (did i just invent a new word? yes, i just invented a new word) about holding on to your dreams, and the not-so-usual wisdom about learning to tell the difference between when to hang on tight and when to let go, when to know that your dreams have changed, or that the time for them has passed......
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All i know is i'm learning a lot from the people here about art and writing, about America, about myself; and it's a wonderful sunny spring with the trees budding a fresh young-mint green, and i'm so grateful for the opportunity to be here.
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i guess that will have to do for now.
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