post-mortem (1)

So now the funeral's over. The rains poured down today -- those tropical rains that so many of us love (when we're indoors) and hate (when we're outdoors). And yet thousands lined the streets to bid farewell.
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It's hard as hard can be, to write about the man. For me, and perhaps, others like me who have benefited directly and personally from his policies on everything from education to language to water management to urban planning and economic development, yet whose family and/or social circles have been touched by his harsh and unyielding treatment of those he saw as his political opponents, it's almost impossible to tease apart the light and shadow that are so closely intertwined in the legacy of his life and work.
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Because of course, like the rest of us, his greatest strengths were his greatest weaknesses. The indomitable will and iron-clad certainty which enabled him to push this island-city-state from third-world to first, were the same things that made him intractable and merciless to those he opposed. That famous pragmatism that could so brilliantly cut through the ideological crap that i've seen at work in other countries and just get to the bottom of what actually works, also resulted in the building of a country where the intangibles in life were undervalued. Which was OK in the early years when what was at stake was survival, not literature or art or music. But that utilitarian attitude has lived on, well past the time when it stopped being the one and only thing necessary for our flourishing as a society. And things are only just starting to change.
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It is also hard to write about the man because the knowledge sources available to me, and to everyone else, are so one-sided. All throughout this week, the Singapore media has been completely saturated with stories about his life and legacy. Every day, the national news organisations have been printing and broadcasting tributes almost non-stop -- to the extent that it's hard for me to tell where my thoughts end and where those of the state-regulated media begin. Yet i have paid attention to the news stories -- partly because the opposing voices are so few and often so strident that most of them are hard to take seriously, and partly because i'd be an idiot if i didn't recognise the breadth and depth of his achievement. And i think there's something childish, or teenager-ish (and i work with teenagers, so i know whereof i speak ... ) in taking an entrenched position against the Establishment and refusing to even hear what it has to say. i just wish there were more credible alternative voices giving the other side of the story. But of course, this is Singapore. Alternative voices are often discredited and sometimes banned before their stories get a hearing, and our Asian Values, or conservatism, or good manners (or a mix of all three), have ensured that alternative voices, strident or otherwise, have been criticised and shouted down this week -- in the name of propriety and respect.
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So i don't know how much of the admiration, respect, and even fondness i feel for the man is a product of a state-controlled myth that, much as it is rooted in real achievements and undeniable results, is also irredeemably one-sided and biased. i suspect i may never know for sure.
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i went to attend the public wake / lying-in-state at Parliament House on Friday, just as i've said i would for years. The queue was six hours long. For me, it was a mark of respect for a man whose charisma, intellect, foresight, grit, frugality, and willpower built this nation. It was an acknowledgement that i would not be who i am if not for him, that the life and opportunities that are open to me, are there because of his work and his vision. During those six hours, i witnessed the efficiency, consideration, kindness, and good cheer of the soldiers and police officers managing the queue -- i observed with admiration the tents and barricades set up to shelter and manage the crowds, i noticed the water and snacks provided for those in the queue, i noted the way the army and police officers thoughtfully provided information and updates to keep up our spirits. There were also so many young people there volunteering their time to help give out food, water, umbrellas; i spoke with some of them -- they had not been summoned by the state, but were there as members of voluntary organisations who just wanted to help. It was touching, and i felt grateful.
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Sure. The crowds were probably there because it's hard not to feel compelled to, when the media is telling you 24/7 what a great leader we have just lost. Sure, there was in all of this, i can't help but feel, a touch of that Singaporean kiasu-ness, that one-up-man-ship, that desire to never miss out on a good thing -- in this case, history in the making. (i witnessed a group of people discussing arrangements for attending the lying-in-state -- and suddenly, it dawned on me that i'd never been part of this kind of mutual kiasu egging-on before, and that this was exactly what made Singapore the way it is: high-performing, but also herd-like; efficient, but also un-conducive to originality of thought and perspective.) Sure, there's no telling how much of this outpouring of emotion will actually last past the next few days. Jesus, after all, was feted by the crowds as King when he entered Jerusalem on Palm Sunday; just over four days later, they were shouting 'Crucify him!' as he stood before Pilate at the local headquarters of their occupying political enemies. People's memories are short, my mother told me; and she has seen enough of life that i believe her.
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Still. i keep going back to that thing i've been seeing more and more in recent times -- that intertwining of light and shadow that defines every human endeavour, every human life. And i guess that, at the end of the day, i'm not enough of a cynic and sceptic to want to see only the shadow, or to want to believe that the shadow will have the final word. i'm grateful to Mr Lee for what he has accomplished. i hope that a fuller picture will emerge eventually, at some point -- a picture that will allow us to see him as he was, an extraordinary human being who did a lot of good, but also did harm. i choose to believe that the light and kindness i saw at the Padang yesterday, along the route that The Queue took, will not be extinguished. i choose to believe that we as a nation will be more than okay.
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home, truly?

i'm not saying very much about LKY's passing. Not now. Maybe later, when things here have cooled down a bit -- then i'll write something about what i see has been his legacy in Sg.
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The other things i want to say -- are mostly observations about Singaporean behaviour, and about this country... And i'm not entirely sure if i want to put those observations up here on this blog. At least, not now, not yet ......
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Suffice to say, though, it's a sociologist's dream. i think, so much of how we have reacted so far, collectively, individually -- is so revealing of the way Singaporeans function.
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Sigh. Still feeling as ambivalent about this place as ever. i honestly doubt i'll ever really feel at home here.
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In other news. Every time i log into Facebook just to make sure i'm not missing anything, i am assured that i'm not. 15 minutes spent on FB makes me feel like i need to emigrate. Like. Immediately. i think getting away from FB may possibly be turn out to be the best decision i make in 2015.
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from Hong Kong with love

Wonderful interview with possibly my favourite Singaporean thinker and writer.

Cherian George on LKY's legacy, and Singapore's future.
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queues

It's amazing. The lengths to which Singaporeans are prepared to go. And there i was, thinking that going for the wake at 4 in the morning would guarantee a shorter wait. But apparently not. An 8-hour long queue at 4am! (i wonder, though, about these time estimates..... But i guess, suffice to say, these queues are very long...... )
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And, in the meantime ... A former King is re-interred in the UK, and yet another plane crashes over the Alps ... Human life is, indeed, one thing after another ...
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the reverse side

The Universe has a sense of humour. Just as i'm waxing lyrical about how religiosity and intelligence seem to coexist so nicely on our little island, what turns up in my email but an article -- sent by a fellow Christian -- that takes such a harping, thumping (i think that's the best adjective, actually -- 'thumping'), rigid and moral-high-horsey tone on religious Truth that i can't help but feel all secular-liberal all over again ... (Not to say that liberal secularism doesn't do its fair share of hectoring and moral-high-horsing -- but that's a story for another time ... )
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i think most of my Christian friends have no idea how much of a liberal i used to be before my conversion, and how much the more dogmatic, fundamentalist forms of Christianity absolutely turn me off. The Christianity that attracted me to the faith, that made me want to share it with the people whom i saw practising -- no, embodying -- it in their lives, is gentle, humble, loving to neighbours (whether Christian or not), refrains from preaching at or threatening others who don't share that faith -- refrains from that particularly off-putting thumping that conservative Christianity often falls into. Instead, it was light, the kind of light that attracts people and makes you want to follow. Thank goodness (or God) that i still have such people in my life today.
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i guess the thing with holding any kind of strong conviction is that it's so hard not to let that conviction become primarily dogmatic, rigid, and... just ... unattractive, generally. It's so human -- to want to hold on to our truths in a way that suffocates rather than liberates. (i think that it's possible to hold a truth firmly without doing it in a rigid manner. i've know people who do it well -- that's how i know. It's just not easy -- but i guess, with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible ... )
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Sure, it's really mostly a matter of tone; but i think it's an important thing, tone. Tone matters. i think it says something about the heart. That article i was sent, was basically a long treatise on how modern Catholic education has lost its Truth. i don't disagree with the idea -- though i do feel that surely the writer takes far too sweeping a view of things. But i do disagree with the tone.
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It's possible, i think, to make the point gently, in a way that would invite others to join in the conversation. Instead, this article hectored and thundered, and in doing so, closed off the conversation. It would probably make those who already disagree, even more likely to retreat to an equally dogmatic opposite position -- and dig in their heels and stay there. It certainly made me want to close the webpage, and never read it again. Which i did, and probably will do.
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observation

Just one observation -- at this surprisingly emotional time for many Singaporeans ... (Seeing as we were after all voted the 'least emotional' country in some international poll or other a few years back ... )
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Singapore is an extraordinarily religious place. For a first-world country, our people are really quite unabashed about embracing the divine -- even the most successful and highly-educated are often deeply religious. It's been interesting ... the ease with which so many Singaporeans use the rhetoric of 'prayer' in talking about LKY ... ('we will keep him in prayer', 'praying for his family', 'our prayers are with you', etc); the way so many religious groups and organisations (churches, temples, mosques) are holding prayer sessions for him ......
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It's nice, i think. Much nicer than the disdain for religion that i see in Europe and the US. Which, to be honest, just seems like a bit much to me -- to think that we humans, who can't even go through a single day without making some mistake or other, who can't even be trusted to steward our environmental resources well or manage our relationships with others without screwing them up in some way or other, can pronounce with any degree of certainty that there is no god / God ...
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3.18am, 23 March 2015

Rest in peace, Mr Lee.

Lee Kuan Yew, 1923 - 2015

Founding Prime Minister of Singapore

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the gift to be simple

It seems i go through these phases: moving between the times when all i want to do is artsy stuff like read and write and listen to music, and the times when all i want to do is the down-to-earth, ordinary stuff: cook, clean, spend time with my normal-friends (as opposed to the artsy ones...) doing normal-person things like chatting about nothing very much in particular, playing with kids...
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It's been a lovely weekend, visiting one of our 'farms' up in Kranji (not a proper commercial farm, but a farm-like place set up to give Singaporeans an idea of what farms were like in the old days), helping a friend do up her new flat, hanging out with normal-people friends and doing things that have totally NOTHING to do with Art. i like long drives, and green places with minimal concrete. i think i'll be back at Bollywood Veggies soon.
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It's such a relief sometimes to just live a very simple life, and not to have to be a Bloody Pretentious Artsy Person, or to have to listen to the things that other Bloody Pretentious Artsy Persons talk about.
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Maybe What Happened was for the good, after all. i'm glad i've decided to move writing away from the centre of my life, and not to pursue postgrad studies, for now. It feels like a good decision, the right decision.
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It's also good to be off Facebook.

Edit:
It amuses me that Pretentious Artsy Person, when turned into an acronym, becomes PAP. i think a lot of the Pretentious Artsy Persons i know would be mortified to find themselves sharing an acronym with the Ruling Party ......
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an aside

Just a thought that i want to put down here.
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Singaporeans often get told, when we go overseas to English-speaking countries, that we speak and write English very well. The unsaid assumption is that we shouldn't. Some Singaporeans regularly take offence at this. It's funny, i think, because it seems pretty obvious that it is completely abnormal for Singaporeans to be good at English. i mean, sure, we were a British colony -- but which other former British colony has a majority non-white population that has English as its official first language of governance, education, business, etc? (Even India still retains Hindi as a competing de facto first language ...)

That we speak good English is an anomaly -- born of radical language and educational policies that had a profound and, in some cases, damaging impact on the lives and livelihoods of thousands of people -- and it is thoroughly unsurprising that others should be surprised. i find it hard to see why some find it hard to see that. (Unless, of course, they assume that the rest of the world somehow has to know about us -- which, considering the size of this place, surely has to be most arrogant assumption ever, and a dangerous one.)
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Edit:
Ok, i forgot to mention the English-speaking Caribbean countries. And the reason i forgot is because i think of them as speaking some sort of creole or other rather than 'proper' standard English, whatever that means.
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chick lit

Need. To. Read. Some chick lit.
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Blog-readers who are concerned about the state of my intellect -- feel free to recommend your favourites in the 'comments' below.
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Edit:
Suddenly thinking that maybe i should read Charlotte's Web again. Yeah.
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LKY

i usually avoid discussions of politics on this blog -- in particular, local politics. Not because i have nothing to say, but because this blog is simply not a place where i want to say these things.
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This is different, though. Our nation's key Founding Father lies dying in hospital. He's 91 with pneumonia -- these things don't take long. And i just feel that some things need to be said.
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LKY is acknowledged to be the Architect of modern Singapore. i used to tell my students that when he passes away, i want to attend his wake -- and if possible, his funeral. Because, and i am not ashamed to say this, i have a deep respect for the man. i may not agree with everything that he has done; i may in fact be deeply opposed to some of his values. But i admire people with vision, and i respect those who have values and principles, who are prepared to stick by them and live out their costs and consequences. And no matter what LKY has done in the process of leading Singapore to become the country we have become, the fact is, we wouldn't be here if not for him. That has to be acknowledged and given its due.
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A few months ago, i was invited to contribute to a poetry anthology focussed on the Man and his legacy. The invite came with a (half-joking?) comment that the anthology had to be published soon, before his death, because after his passing, decency and plain good manners would make the publication of such a book ... well, just not possible in our political climate.
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i didn't contribute, eventually -- partly because i was in the midst of a creative dry spell, but mostly because i didn't really want to. There was something about the spirit of the project that i just didn't quite agree with; something critical and biting that felt to me less than kind. i mean, i'm about as ambivalent about the man and his legacy as most other Singaporeans -- in a sense, i guess such ambivalence makes the best poetic fodder. But to gleefully name someone's impending death as the explicit reason for rushing a project ... i don't know. i guess, at the end of the day, it's just not something i felt comfortable with being part of.
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LKY was/is a politician. Politics is a dirty game -- i don't think there's anybody who would seriously challenge this truth. Many people's lives -- not their physical bodily lives, but their Lives with a capital L -- were sacrificed in the political Game that LKY played. Time may have proven that he was on the right side -- what his opponents were fighting for has been discredited by history. i do honestly think he did what he thought was best -- and fortunately, his gamble paid off. But i know of people in my parents' generation whose lives here in Singapore were more or less destroyed in the postwar politics of the 1950s and 60s. LKY was not kind to his opponents -- whether or not they had the power to fight back. i wish the Singapore government would acknowledge this. It's part of the total package that makes him what he is; it's part of his legacy.
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And, i think there is something childish in not wanting to face the costs of following a dream. Because of course all dreams carry their costs. The Dream that is modern Singapore -- came true at great cost. And it may not be everybody's dream. But it is what we have now -- and frankly, it's a lot better than what many other countries have. It is a mistake to belittle this.
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For all my criticisms of Singapore, one thing i do not deny is that we have come a long way in a very short span of time -- and that this is, frankly speaking, nothing short of a miracle. i'm one of the few people in my generation who remembers what it was like to grow up in third-world Singapore. i spent the first few years of my life living in a kampung. We had a well and an outdoor outhouse with a bucket. My grandmother cooked with firewood -- when i was in kindergarten, my cousins and I made a game of picking up twigs around the kampung for use as kindling. The side-road leading to the kampung from the main road no longer exists -- and when it did, it was more of a dirt-track, full of deep rough potholes. We were poor, and poverty is not fun. When i look at what Singapore has become now, i am grateful to our leaders for what they have done. And uncool as it may be, this gratitude is not something i want to deny.
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Yes, we made some mistakes along the way. But making mistakes is human. It's just the way life is. Why can't we as a nation simply acknowledge these mistakes, make whatever reparations we can, and all move on together? In my view, apologising for one's mistakes is a sign of strength, not of weakness -- i respect people who apologise well, and conversely, find it hard to respect those who can't. But clearly, this is not a view the current government shares. (It's so Asian, though. Cf. Japan's continued refusal to apologise fully for the atrocities of WW2.)
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That said, though, LKY is after all only a man. A human being like the rest of us. A man who loved and is loved, by his family and friends, whatever other people may think of him. i hope his last days will be quiet and peaceful. i hope that when he passes on, he will be surrounded by loved ones, and i hope he will be aware that he is loved.  i do wish the online trolls would have a little respect. After all, if they were in his place, they would want that for themselves, too.
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mozart

i'm starting to understand why people like Mozart's music so much. It sounds simple and mostly happy. Simplicity and happiness. i can't think of many things in life better than that.

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reality (2)

Still thinking about reality, and the degree to which 'mind over matter' really works. i think this is going to become ... some sort of a thing. A Thing in my writing. i've heard it said that all writers / artists / etc have at most 2 or 3 questions that occupy their attention and on which they focus their efforts over the course of their careers. i suspect this will be one of my Questions.
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a pragmatist at heart (3)

.... My friend,
every sorceress is
a pragmatist at heart; nobody
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sees essence who can't
face limitation. 
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(from 'Circe's Song', Louise Glück)
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i had a conversation with a good friend just a year or two ago that really made me want to laugh. In fact, i think i did laugh -- because we're close enough that i can do that. i can't remember what the exact context of the conversation was, but i do remember her saying that she was only just starting to learn that she's not invincible, that there are limits to her ability to change herself and the world around her, that it is simply not true that she can be whoever she wants to be, do whatever she wants to do. 
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i laughed because i couldn't believe it had taken her so long to discover this -- especially in light of the genetic immune-system disorder that she's on long-term medication for. Maybe that's what being born into a moneyed family does to you -- it makes it easier to turn a blind eye to the realities of life because there are so many things you can buy for yourself, so many ways you can easily buy your way out of problems and circumstances that others may have little choice but to submit to.
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Some people say, mind over matter. i think this is true to some degree -- as long as you're prepared to make the sacrifices needed for that to happen. People who've done the mind-over-matter thing don't usually speak of the sacrifices -- the narratives they tell themselves, and others, don't usually include the things they've given up along the way. And those things may be significant -- relationships, values, health... 
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i believe in essence. That people really don't change very much, essentially -- that some personality traits are more or less fixed for life, even if life may moderate or accentuate these traits to a greater or lesser degree. People who are creative will probably remain creative, even if hemmed in by Oppressive Life Circumstances (in fact, creativity thrives under constraints); people who are essentially social in nature will probably stay that way, even if their capacity to trust is eroded after they are hurt or betrayed by others. More and more, i like to flatter myself by thinking that i'm pretty good at seeing essence. And that this gives me a fairly good way to gauge possible behaviour. It's probably the reason i've managed to make it through life so far relatively unscathed -- i like to think i'm a good judge of character, and i usually can see through people pretty accurately, as long as i trust my intuition. Which doesn't always happen, because i generally want to believe that people are good at heart. Which of course isn't always true. (Lesson learnt: TRUST YOUR INTUITION dammit!)
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Seeing essence means that you are also deeply aware of limitation -- you know that if someone or something is essentially a particular way, then that essence is not going to change, no matter how much you may wish it to. Which, as long as you don't choose to simply ignore the cold hard facts, pretty much equates to being a pragmatist at heart.
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Funny, to think of myself as a pragmatist. Not quite the label most people would give me, i think. 
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