MY FIRST TRUE VALENTINE'S DAY

Early in one's life, the concept of Valentine's Day is presented, fairly or not. Examples include one's parents, or friend's parents, or implied/forced reciprocation by middle school teachers. My parent's were...sorta romantic, but I learned about love in middle school. Or maybe that's what confused me.

I do recollect collecting Valentine's from girl's, and also sending them. Little messages scratched out on construction paper, so innocent. Or exchanging candies, etc. There isn't much else to do to distract one during a cold Chicago winter. Or Catholic middle school! I used to give my homeroom teacher presents, for God Sake.

Anywho, speeding up to yesterday, things have been going AWESOME with T, and I really wanted to make a special night of it. Somehow we comprised on "celebrating" it on Monday, not Tuesday, and getting burgers and going bowling. Simple, cheap, we even watched 2 episodes of "Pawn Stars".

This might seem innocent and simple, but walking home, we stopped in the middle of a street and started kissing, like we never did before. During a brief stop he remarked "I never kissed when it was snowing" but he always wanted to (remember he's from Florida) so we made it happen, and held hands on the walk home.

He makes me happy.

MOVING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION

After the failure of a potential relationship with the guy I was seeing (he even invoked the lame "it's not you, it's me" dreaded excuse) I met another guy, whom I will refer to as "Juan". This began as a purely sex driven situation, in that we were both looking for a fuck buddy. God, the sex has been amazing, as I'm sure the neighbors can attest to.

That being said, I'm starting to have feelings towards this guy, and I suspect as much from him. My major issue is that he is young, only 23, and I don't know if I really want or am able to support an actual relationship at this time. However, he's fun, sweet and cute, so it's hard (no pun intended) to turn down.

Every time he comes over, he stays the night; after sex we cuddle and wake each other up with little kisses. He also likes to wear my clothes. Which is odd since he is much taller than I am, but whatever, it's all good. Even with the retarded heat we have been experiencing, it's so nice to fall asleep next to a guy.

Feel free to puke.

[Enter cliche here] Oh - and he speaks fluent French. I didn't know how hot that could be!

MY "ROMANTIC" LIFE IS IMPOSSIBLY FUCKED

I'll preface this post my reminding both you, dear reader, and myself that I'm operating on a 4th grade level when it comes to dating. When I come across someone I like...it's fucking ON. Text messages become more sincere yet careful not to be obsessive. With age I'm become more patient.

Having said that, that weird date I had weeks ago, I gave that another shot, 3 to be exact, which concluded this morning in a stupid he/said/he/said "YOU LEAD ME ON" type thing. And I'm not one to assign blame, but in this case I believe it's due.

When someone strings you along for a 2 weeks with promises of "Oh, I'll hit you up next week" but never does, and when I take the next step to remind said person of such statements, only to be called out...for no reason? I'm sorry, but that's MOTHERFUCKIN' BS!

Maybe I really don't deserve better, and maybe I'm fucking retarded, but in this particular case, I feel no qualms about telling this guy to go to hell (I'll be there anyways), but this guy lead me on for almost a month! And apparently me calling him out on it makes ME an asshole?

I'm sorry...but that is a particular kind of OH NO YOU DIDN'T. I just get pissed off when someone presents themselves in such a way...that defies the typical crap usually dealt with/expected in the Gay Scene...and then adheres to such a stereotype.

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised or pissed off at 4AM, but I am . And I fucking deserve MUCH BETTER, whether anyone agrees or not [FUCK OFF if you disagree, but make your case in the comments anyways]. :)?

SPEAKING OF DATING

Awhile back I was working a closing shift with my favorite bartender, and she and I were talking about dating, specifically about the difficulties of dating when you are an service industry employee. Her experiences have led her to conclude that a relationship in this context will only work out if both people work in the same field. And I think she's right.

Take for example, my schedule for this week:

WED: 7PM-2AM

THUR: 5PM-?

FRI: 5PM-?

SAT: 10AM-6PM

SUN: 10AM-6PM

Not only do I not get home until 4AM sometimes, but then there are instances in which I'll be asked to turn around and open the next day. AND, the schedule is constantly changing and/or I'm being asked to work for somebody else. Usually I'm more than willing to take anything offered, but I'm afraid I'm not going to have a life outside of work, to say nothing of a boyfriend.

Speaking of gay + bar, everyone I work with now knows I smoke cock. I told 2 people and it spread to 20+ others in a span of a week. But no one seems to care. Which is cool. I don't have to worry about "hiding" although it's not as if I was before, it just wasn't known, you know?

I'm curious to know how other may have handled dating people with opposite schedules.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

That's a great question, and one I ask myself on a daily basis. The simple answer is...I have no fucking idea. But the "real answer", like so many things is so much complicated, filled with guesses, estimations and just plain ignorance (mixed with ego) on my behalf.

Anyone that has received a late night phone call from me in the last 2 years has endured me going through the motions, as I have taken to calling them. There are generally 3 steps, which I'll broadly outline:

Step 1: "OMG...I met an awesome guy!"

Step 2: "He says he's busy (or won't return calls) but he is still totally interested."

Step 3: [Me, drunk on whiskey] "he just blew me off/is no longer interested...if he ever was...etc."

The inevitable response I receive from friends (or...gawd forbid, from my Mom) is generally "don't worry! there is someone awesome out there for you!" Though appreciated, the nice sentiments ring hollow these days and nights.

Jaded? That might begin to explain the way I feel. Frustrated? You bet. Desperate? Well...you might take some side action betting on that (but i'm not willing to spill that, unless however you intend on splitting the profitable results of said side action).

UGH...I feel like such a useless/undesirable person these days. I'm barely keeping my life together, and seriously, who would want to date someone like me? I realize I'm no Channing Tatum, nor am I am David Spade. Like most people, I'm jumbled in the middle, which is totally OK. I'm not rich (duh) not poor, nor overly intelligent or stupid. I'm just average...

...but average in an odd way. Perhaps it's the heat that might prevent me from explaining it better, but I've never really fit into any specific group. This has never been a hindrance to making friends (indeed, my buddies scale the horizon of random social groups). But romantically, it just seems that whatever is specific about me keeps people from wanting to establish a true romantic connection.

Or maybe it's just me fucking up things all on my own. Either way, the lack of results has become an albatross around my neck.