It was six months ago that I gave birth to our daughter Jocelyn Cristeen Files and were able to spend a wonderful 24 hours with her. We loved and welcomed her to our family and in the same breath said a temporary good bye.
It is so strange to think that it has been 6 months when it feels just like yesterday. Instead looking at how big she would have been and all the things that she would have been doing, we are looking at how much our lives have changed in the way we view life and our tender moments with our boys. We miss her deeply and a day does not go by that we are not thinking of her. Although the pain of her not being with us is at times unbearable, we are still blessed to know that she is our little angel watching over us and is patiently waiting the day we can all be together. The boys often talk about her and ask questions as to why she is not with us. We know that the answers to that question will reveal themselves to us over the rest of our life and we look forward all that learning.
Our Days
Each day is a surprise never knowing if it will be a good day with meltdowns or if it will be a bad day with a few meltdowns. We also have had some very bad days as well, but there have been some really good days of peace and comfort. I pray and look forward to more of those days. I have often thought that with time it will get easier, but I must be honest that the last few months have been much harder then they were in the beginning. We have learned that this is common because we have spent more time in shock then we realized and now life is moving forward with reality setting in. So I guess it has to get a little tougher before it gets better. It is tiring sometimes to pretend that everything is well all the time. But we know that as long as we keep our faith in the Lord he will comfort us when we need it most. When I am having a bad moment I have found great comfort in this scripture John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" and in the Doctrine in Convents D&C 24:8 "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days". We have a very long list of scriptures that we turn to in our moments of deep sadness and grief. We are not strong, but are learning to be strong, which will only come from our growing faith in the Lord.
The Honest Truth
Although we are doing our very very best to hold on to our faith in the Lord there are moments where I wonder how much I can take. Life is precious and must not be taken for granted. When I see other women who are expecting I only think one thing and that is "please Lord let that little one make it into this world safely" Our sweet innocence's is gone of getting pregnant and having a baby at the end. It is hard going places and seeing babies every where as reminders that I do not have mine with me physically. I think the worst is looking at my post pregnancy body and feeling like a failure that I could not get her here. I know that all these thoughts will pass over time, because I know that I am not a failure. I just carried a perfect little spirit that only needed a body and to return home to our Heavenly Father. That is in it's self is a great honor.
Over Looked
When someone loses a child or infant it is the father that sometimes gets over looked. Everyone is quick to ask how the mother is doing and rarely stops to ask how the father is. John as been very strong in the support he gives me, and I in turn must do the same for him. He hurts just as much as I do. The Following poem found in the book Gone Too Soon. It was written by a mother who watched the pain her son in law facing the loss of a little girl as well.
It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief,
since "men don't cry" and men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
and field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
and what she's going through,
but seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
and try to be so very brave
He lost his baby too.
Answers if that is what you call them
We still do not know what happened or why she passed. We only have speculation and theories. My OB doctor sent me to have a consultation with with an internal fetal medicine doctor. Since we did have an ultra sound at 36 weeks where Jocelyn was showing perfect health and growth and on target for her due date. We know that something happened in that last four weeks of pregnancy. The internal fetal medicine doctor believes some form of placental failure took place. the test on the placenta came back clear of any infection or disease. This is when I have to rely on my beliefs and testimony that the Lord had a much bigger plan and needed her for that.
What I have learned about stillbirth
I have spent many hours researching the science behind all this. No it has not brought comfort to me but I feel better informed for the future. I learned that a stillbirth is 10 times more likely then SIDS. And in a stillbirth study done 2006 to 2008 which included 154 stillbirths Salt Lake County said "the most common cause was placental problems such as blood clots. Others include bacterial and viral infections that caused the uterus to expel the fetus:maternal medical conditions like diabetes, kidney disease and hypertension: and genetic abnormalities. While 10% of stillbirths are from cord accidents." found in an article from the Salt Lake Tribune. The article then stated that most stillbirths can be prevented with close prenatal care. I also have found lots of information on the March of Dimes website as well.
Family and Friends
I am still in awe from all the overwhelming love and support that our family has received through this heart breaking experience. I have so much gratitude for our family, close friends near and far, neighbors and church members. I am forever Thankful!!! I feel at times I will never be able to repay all the wonderful things that have been given or done for us. I pray that the lord blesses you. For you have shown what it means to bear one anthers burdens and to serve selflessly. Thank You for being there. We Love each and everyone of you!
Jocelyn's Services
Close to a week after Jocelyn's birth and passing John and I went to the funeral home where we dressed our daughter and held her one last time and sang her the same lullaby that we sing to our boys at night before bed. Then we slowly put her in her princess bed. We had a private family viewing with a few close friends. What special feeling we had in that room.
I was great full to Jennifer with NILMDTS to come and take more pictures for us. She is so amazing and was able to take some beautiful shots of the boys and our family. I have posted a couple of those in Jocelyn's photo gallery located in the right hand side bar.
The following morning we had a simple graveside service with the only sunshine in the valley. I know that Jocelyn was with us and made that sunshine come through on her special day. Our Bishop shared some special words followed by John giving the dedication and blessing prayer for Jocelyn's grave. I do not remember the words that were said, only that it was very spiritual and sacred.
We then had a luncheon with family and few close friends. That was enjoyable to be around so many loved ones.
Few Months Later
Around the end of February beginning March Jocelyn's headstone was laid. We have put a small hook with a butterfly and purple tear drop butterfly hanging from it.
The mountain view from her headstone.Our 1st holidays without Jocelyn
The holidays have been hard since we had been excited to grow our family and to share these moments together. We have kept her in our hearts during the holidays and included her memory with us at these special moments.
Easter Sunday...The Easter Bunny left a purple bunny for Jocelyn which we took and put on her grave. John with the boys.
Me with Jarren and Joseph. Jacob wanted to get back in the car. It was on the chilly side.
Me and the Boys on Mother's Day. This was not an easy day since this was also the day we learned we were expecting her a year earlier.
The grass had turned green just in time for Mother's Day. It was so pretty.
The view on Mother's day after the grass had turned green. I love this view.
Her 1st memorial day. The boys were so excited to put flowers on her headstone. The whole cemetery just looked beautiful.
The flowers and angel we left for her on her grave for memorial day.Looking To The Future
So here we are half year later and our lives are forever changed as we still adjust to a new normal of life. While we are still hurting and grieving, we are slowly healing and look forward to the days of pure joy. President Thomas S Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Said that the Journey would not be easy but to find the Joy in the Journey. Through my pain and heartache I do fine peace and joy that I have a special angel waiting and watching over us.I am part a sacred club that we never wanted to be part of but here we are. Jocelyn has given us so much and I am so proud of her and honored to be her mother. The loss of a child is one that I do not wish on upon anyone.
John and I will continue to take one day at a time and to find Joy in our boys so that they can gain a testimony of Christ and understand his plan for us. We know that we have a long journey still ahead and that we will be blessed along the way.
and make them rejoice their sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13
The following is a song that has brought comfort to me and says exactly how I feel. It is put with some personal and special pictures. This video is a piece of John and I's heart to be shared those we love. The sound is not as crisp as I would like it but I did not know how to change the file size for uploading.
"Because life is fragile and death inevitable, we must make the most of each day."
President Thomas S. Monson
1st Birthday in Heaven click HERE
