Pregancy After Jocelyn....

As you all know we are referring to this baby our fifth child as our Rainbow and some of you may be asking what that means. I love the following quote I saw the other day on a friends facebook page and felt it explained it perfectly..

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

~Courtney

Being pregnant again since Jocelyn's birth and passing is nothing like I thought it would be. I knew that it would be different and that I would feel some anxiety and hope all at the same time. But Also thought that some emotions, feelings and thoughts I have had before becoming pregnant would have changed by allowing my old thoughts and feelings to return. Oh I was so wrong.....To fully explain it would take up a whole other post. So in short: Part of my grieving process has gone through many stages, but there was one that I spent a lot of time in. That was the anger stage not because Jocelyn is not here physically (although I did pass through that one as well) It was at how much my life has changed and that I have forever changed and there was and there is no going back to the old me. I was so angry and not willing to accept it. It has only been in the last few months since Jocelyn's 2nd birthday that I have started to except that. Excepting that I really do have a new normal and thought process also means excepting that some people in my life can not except the new me. They still want the old me to return. But that just is not so. I recently read an article that was posted on facebook by another angel mommy that really sums it all up. But it was this part I think says it best.

"It says when you lose a child you DON'T get over it, getting over it is an inappropriate goal, an unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you, it changes the way the birds sing, it changes the way the sun rises and sets. You ARE forever different" 
to read the full write up click here It really is worth the read and other great things that can help one who has lost or a friend that has lost a child.....

Going back to what I thought would change: I thought once I got pregnant again that maybe my feelings for other pregnant women who have not gone through losing their baby would change and my feelings about baby showers also would have changed. But once again I was wrong and surprised that I still felt jealous of other pregnant women. Not because there were pregnant, but because they could still live in the world or bubble that I once did where you got pregnant and 9 months later you had baby in your arms or once you were past the 12th week things were smooth sailing until baby arrived. Only your typical worries of will baby be healthy have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Not my baby could die the day before due date or during labor or even after birth. I felt jealous that they could be truly giddy without minimal worries. That is gone for me I wish I could honestly feel that way again. I also thought I would be ok with baby showers again and I still can not go to them. It is still a painful reminder that I had one for Jocelyn a week before her due date, and a week later when I should have been bringing her home. But did not leaving me with all the great gifts that she would have used. Maybe one day those feelings will change, but for now they are what they are and I have come to except them. I worry for my fellow pregnant sisters and pray that they never have to feel the pain and loss that my family and I have.

Being pregnant again has also brought joy and hope that we will get to add to our family and heal our hearts some with a new baby. It really is bittersweet. I love being pregnant and feeling this new life growing and with more movements frequently is joyous, but still leaving John and I cautiously excited. We do not plan to buy anything until after baby is here, because it is something I just can not bring myself to do since I spent so much time getting things ready for Jocelyn and ended up with a heart in a million pieces. Everyday is different. I spend a lot of time and energy working on self talk to stay positive and many moments in prayer to help feel the lords comfort and that it is all in his hands. We are doing everything possible that this new little one gets here but in the end it will the the Lords will. We do not know what the Lord has planned for this little spirit, but I know we are blessed to be it parents to love and care for it.

The boys are also excited, but have reservations as well. They frequently ask if baby is ok, will baby get to live with us or will baby go live with Jocelyn in heaven. At times they bring tears to my eyes, not because of what they say but because they are so young and truly understand that there are no guarantees in this life and that death is real. This understanding also has made them very compassionate and caring for others feelings. Their little testimonies and faith in the Lord always a reminder to me that God really is in all things if we but have faith in him.

Over all we glad to be adding to our family and look forward to meeting this new little one!! We know that big sister is right there helping us and guiding us on this new chapter or our new normal.

Baby Update and More.....

We are now 19 weeks 5days just a few days from being half way done!! Some days it seems like it is going fast and other days it seems like it going slow....

I am being seen at Intermountain Internal Fetal Medicine by Dr Branch. My Regular OB Dr. L. Smith sent me to him after Jocelyn was born for a consultation of a future pregnancy. He has been seeing me weekly since learning we were excepting baby#5. Through our visits he does little mini ultra sounds to check heart beat and see how things look at quick glance. Because we do not have answers as to why big sister Jocelyn died, but only have some speculation that it may have been linked to the placenta, but there is no way to know for sure. That being said he put me on low dose heparin shots since there is some research that shows being on low blood thinner can help the health of the placenta and growth of baby. There is no risk to baby so I thought why not. I am willing to do anything to get this little one here. No, I can not give the shot to myself I have tried, but John has been doing very well at giving them to me. One downer to the shots is they do leave some ugly bruises and at times are painful and sensitive. But it is all worth it!!!

So here we are at this point of the pregnancy!! I am 19 weeks 2 days in this picture and hope to keep you updated with more pictures as this baby gets bigger. I have only gained 2 pounds at this point. My weight has been a concern for me since I have not done anything to really loose weight a head of time. So I did start this pregnancy out the heaviest I have ever been in my life. The doctor said he was fine if I did not gain weight and if I do, try and keep at to 10 pounds or less. Excess weight can lead to late term complications if not watched closely. I am careful on my portions and how eat.

Yes I am getting to the big question..... This past week we went in for the Big formal ultra sound and wow is all I have to say. I have never felt so much anxiety for and during an ultra sound. Not because of what the sex of the baby might be, but to know that everything is ok. That baby looks healthy, growing on target for due date, and all other things. At this point baby is looking very well. They do want me to come back for a follow up since this little one was way to wiggly for them to get everything they wanted to see. In fact baby did two flips while looking at baby's brain and heart. I just giggled thinking oh great this one will be like Joseph. But being there and seeing everything they look at really lets you know how much of a miracle life really is and all that goes into making a little person. Simply beautiful.

Now for what you all want to know!!! The boys and Jocelyn will be getting a little Sister. Yes we are having another girl!! Crazy since I was for sure thinking it was a boy. But all is well. We have picked a name for her, although John and I have not settled on the final spelling of it. But her name will be Jaylee or possible spelled Jaylie which is what I am leaning toward. As for a middle name we will save that for after she is born.

And there she is you can see her face in this one. Something Jocelyn never let you do. Over all looking forward to meeting her in another 19 weeks or so. I know that they plan to deliver me a little early which I am looking forward to help with the nerves.

Thanks again for everyone's continued support and prayers that all goes well and will continue to go well. Now that I am almost half way you will see more regular updates on baby along with more pictures. It has been something that has been difficult to open and share. But the secret is out.....

Easter Sunday 2012

Easter is of one my favorite holidays and times to really stop and think about our Savior Jesus Christ and his sacrifice and resurrection. Giving us all the same gift of living eternally one day. I love the following song and is so perfect for such a perfect moment


We began our morning with all the traditions of the Easter Bunny and taking a moment to teach the kids what the day really stands for.

After getting everyone ready we loaded up to head up to my grandmother's place to spend the rest of the day with family. But first we stopped at the cemetery to leave Jocelyn her purple peeps. While there the sun was shining and was such a beautiful day. I looked around with such gratitude and peace to know that all the loved ones there would one day get to be reunited with their families. That is such a wonderful thought and brings joy to my heart.
Upon arriving to my grandparents we finished hiding Easter eggs for all the kids to find followed by an Easter lunch.....

Jarren and my niece Sophia looking for eggs in the bushes.

Stockton a cousin, Sophia, Jacob, and Abby a cousin looking happy with their findings....

Jacob searching away....I try hard to get him on camera since as you know it is not his favorite thing to do.

Joseph making sure that he is finding all the eggs that are OK and peanut free. Although they were all safe for him to eat.

Jarren and Stockton racing to get the last egg up out of the tree.....They really all had a great time. After eating and visiting with family we gathered the kids for coloring Easter eggs. I made most of my kids strip down so they would not get dye on all their new clothing. Even my dad and brother in law Layne got into the action.

bottom left to right: Joseph, Layne,Jacob, Jarren, My dad, and Stockton

Left to right: Sawyer, Abby, Joseph

Left to right:Layne, Stockton, Jacob, Jarren

Jarren enjoying his creations

Left to right: My mom, John, Amie, Zoey, and Heather

Look I got my mom and John to smile for me!!

Amie my cousin, Heather my sister, and Justin my cousin

It really was such a great time with family. I would have to say one my most favorite gatherings since we actually had everyone there which is very rare when everyone runs busy life's. We were fortunate to get a complete family picture with my grandparents and their legacy.

 

 

What a great legacy to see my grandparents in the middle with their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren with spouses. Just amazing when you really think about the eternities.

Another rarity is being able to just get a complete family picture with just my parents and us kids' families.


I hope and pray this past Easter was one of joy for your family and that you can always find joy in one another even when times are not very enjoyable. Lots of love from our family to yours.

March Maddness!!!

I did not realize this past March was going to be busy full of great things and miles stones. Jarren turned the BIG 10!!, and completed his Bear in the boy scout program moving on to Weblos and fun time with Saint Patrick's day.


March 7th Jarren turned 10 years old!! I can not believe that it was 10 years ago that he was born this 8 pound 5 oz boy and now growing into very special young man. He has been such joy to have in our life with his sweet spirit and kind heart. Yes he loves to take moments and push his brothers buttons at times.
This year for his birthday he chose a movie and dinner. We went to see John Carter, but ate at Sweet Home Chicago Pizza before hand. After we enjoyed.....

 Cheese cake and singing happy birthday to Jarren. He decided he did not want a regular cake this year and we went with his request. yummmy!!!

After singing and visiting some we moved on to....

The best of any birthday!!! Presents!!!

I love watching their faces as they open things up with excitement.

Being that he is now getting older and ready to do bigger kid things John and I got him an air soft gun set. Lets just say it was the highlight of the day and he was so excited to get out side and put it to use on some empty soda cans.

Jarren all loaded and ready to give his riffle a try. Overall a successful day and birthday!!! Still can't wrap my head around him turning 10!! Love him so much!!!

Not only did Jarren turn 10 he completed his Bear ranking in Scouts moving onto being a Weblo. He was so excited to make this achievement and  receive this award at the Blue and Gold Banquet Dinner. But before the dinner Jarren had to make a cake that showed something about him and his interest. So think think think.....Awe!!! A karate cake is what we will do. Of course mom did most of the work. Go moms!!!

Jarren's Cake!! not bad I say!!

Jarren getting some awards other then his Bear.

Joseph enjoying the cakes that were made by others. Not sure where Jacob ran off too....

Jarren and I after he received his Bear award. Yes, that is a small baby bump that I am sporting.

 

Now come the Leprechauns!!! They hid the boys shoes around the house leaving them with some gold coin chocolates and got into our pancake mix!!! Those little stinkers really had the boys hyped up on St. Patty's Day!!

The moment we discovered what they had done to our pancake batter. The boys were like what?!!

Joseph trying not to cry anymore about the pancakes being green. He was so upset about it and refused to eat them at first. I had no idea that he would be upset about it. The other two thought it was great!!!

I hope that your March was full of fun happenings and craziness.....til next March!!!