And here comes Merdeka.

And so here I am, tapping away in front of my lappie while the faint rumbling noise of firework came afar...peeking over to the clock over my lappie and its showing 12:00am...This means that one day is over and another day is just started. But this day (31st of August) is one very special date...

Do you know why?

It's another Merdeka Day again, celebrating the Independence of Malaysia, 51 years old and counting on forever.

Happy Birthday Malaysia.

Its a matter of coincidence that 31st of August is a very special day for me as well...and all the birthday well-wishes in the form of sms and messenger is coming in one by one.

Do you know why? (I know, the answer is pretty obvious LOL)

Because it's MY BIRTHDAY.

And to top it off, it's exactly my 20th birthday (and hopefully, counting on for a long time)...I AM TAKING MY VERY FIRST STEP INTO THE BIG 2! *le GASP*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZHERONG.

Hmm? You want to know my birthday wish?

Hmm...lets see...I will not wish for something lavish or frivilous or anything...

I only wish for something that is simple...

...and I will not tell you now cos I do kinda believe that a wish need to be kept secret in order for it to works! LOL

It's simple, really. You can pretty much guess what did yearn for from all my previous posts...

Anyway, expect more edits and new post within these few days about my 20th 31st August!!!! (since Monday is a replacement holiday so more time to blog Woohoo!!!!)

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Edit: Good Morning Malaysia, and edited for what I did prior from blogging now.

First thing in the morning after tidying up for me is actually opening up the presents that I received a couple of days earlier.

This one is from PikHan. The colours of wrapper blend in well with my table lol.

...and as expected from PikHan, a devout, god-fearing Christian. Thanks anyway.

This one is from SzeSze. Nice bag! Peek into the bag...

...its a box of Ferrero Rocher! You sure know I had a weakness for nice foodstuff!

Opened it and ate one of the sweet guilty pleasure of Ferrero Rocher...first thing in the morning by the way the mark the starts of my first day in 20th year of my life...

But of course with all birthday anticipation and such, there are some practical things of life that I need to take care of...which is: the laundry which is one week due!!

So again the usual combination of laundries, clippers, washing powders and RM2 worth of coins.
To the washing mahcine we go!

At the same thing, I brought along my lappie with me and onlining at cafe while waiting for the washing to be done.

And all the clothes are well done about 25 minutes...and its time to the clothing line we go to dry the clothes!

My lappie at cafe. So I am here editing my blogpost.

---------------------------------------------

Later in the evening, I went over to Baskin Robbins over Sungai Dua to try the sinfully delicious (and EXPENSIVE) ice cream because they have 31% discount every 31st day of any month and its 31st August. Together with me is Hayashi-kun (nah, nickname lah!), my former roommate back in CG during the MSK days in first year. And as expected of typical Malaysian, the premise is teeming with people, scurrying over to get cheaper ice cream...including a couple of my juniors...anyway, here's the pic throughout the rest of the day.

Tada! My very first purchase of Baskin Robbin in my entire uni life! A pint=RM 18.50. Even with discount already.

This is a pint... (we immediately settled down at the wakaf in front of the gate and savor our ice cream...)

...and it was filled to the brim! (this explains the messy look) I chose two flavors: Macadamian nut thingy and the August flavor which I forgot its real name. Hayashi-kun's choice was slightly modest, a typical chocolate.

Went into the campus for a little walk after accompanying Hayashi-kun to his KungFu club training. Notice the desolateness of empty campus.

While I on my way back to RST, I saw these two lembu crossing the busy 6 lane road from my side that I am at to the other side...so the grass is greener on the other side? Caused slight discruption to the traffic. Lembu in urban surrounding...

And as a memento of my virgin experience (lmao) with Baskin Robbins, I took the small spoon! (and before you guy actually start puking, they give me two spoon and this is the clean, unused , extra one. LMAO)

-----------------------------------------------

My first night of my 20th years in my life wasn't rather uneventful as I went out for dinner alone and no activities after that. (well, other than my family who called over to wish me Happy B'day but that's it) At first I was thinking over going to Khaleel or any tom-yam cafe over at Ivory only to be put off by the roaring F___ball crowd. In the end, I settled down at Sambos Cafe to have my dinner because its quieter over there. This is their oriental dinner set, with Mushroom soup, chicken rice which I can't recall its name and lemon tea as drink. It was OK for RM9.30.

-------------------------------------------------

And now, I am in my usual online+breakfast session at Khaleel. And this fat kitteh was napping beside my table and refused to budge when I move it over LOL. Had to take its pic.

Epilogue: Lost track of the numbers of well wishers but my estimation should be over 30 already. I think that's the max number that I can get for well wishing. In the mean time, downloaded Katekyo Hitman Reborn yaoi doujins. But there is one particlular doujin that I can't seems to download since its download was accidentatally broken previously. (hosted in Mediafire by the way...why?) And that makes me kinda anal.

Un-Expectation.

Prologue: Un-Expectation actually starts right after I packed my bag: I think I lost my umbrella. AGAIN. This is like the 4th or 5th one until now. Apparently the idea of grabbing umbrella in my hand still hasn't sink it properly and if I left in somewhere, I will totally forget about it. Guess it was gone somehow after I watched the Olympic Closing Ceremony. Spectacular performance.

Start off the day with CMM221 lab...and its the same crap like every week: that Iranian guy didn't even bother to teach at all! WTH Computer Science school have to play us around like this? And how are we gonna use all those software if you don't even teach us, bloody fools! En. Azlan, are you gonna teach anything as well other than lecture? CMM221 is even worse than CMM111 cos at least they teach in CMM111! Catch my steam?

*cool down*

...Oh well, the only good thing about todays lab is definitely the announcement of public holiday tomorrow for Penang (due to certain by-election over at the mainland...not that I am interested) so test on CMM221 will be postponed. Phew! I skipped the lecture like a couple of time already.

...wait a sec. This also means one of the HBT112 is cancelled and we are suppose to have our midsem test this week. Oh CRAP the mid sem exam will be goin on later today! And then my friend reminded me that we are suppose to have LHP459 replacement class tomorrow as well for our presentation in first assignment. OH DEAR OH.

And there I was, feeling relieved after rushing through all the assignment (especially the HBT112 assignment on foreign lexical) during the dreadfully boring holiday, ready to photocopy my source text, staple and tape it up and then pass it to my lecturer. And there was my coursemate, Pavithira waiting at the long line in front of the photocopy shop, holding a novel. A conversation like this ensues:

Me: What are you doing? Pavethira: I am going to photocopy my source text for the HBT112's assignment. What about you? Me: I am here to photocopy my source text as well, then I will staple it and tape it with the rest and pass it up... Pavethira: Wow, you finished it already? That's fast! I haven't even started yet! Me: Wait, I thought the deadline is this week? Pavethira: No, its next week, friday.

...& my mind plunge into sudden ellipsis.

*spazz WTH I rush myself like crazy during the holiday!!! ROAR!!!!* *snap back*
Well, at least I finished it anyway plus I can always pass it up earlier. But just to make sure I went over to her office just in case she put up any boxes to collect our assignment. So I am ready to head off to her office when I noticed something is missing...Oh crap I left my bottle at the lab. Had to run back to the CS lab again to grab my bottle and rush all the way to my school for my intended destination.

Reached there only to see another coursemate of mine, XiangYi doing some final touch up on some assignment. And conversation continues like this:

XiangYi: Did you finish up your editing assignment on HBT103? Me: Huh? XiangYi: We need to pass it up today! ...and so my mind went into ellipsis again. *WTH I mess up this date as well!!!!!* *snap back*

Luckily I did do a couple of it yesterday, now only need to write a comment. *randomly scribbled some comment and passed it up*

----------Time fast forwarded into 3pm in the evening----------

Swindled into eating nasi briyani again. Chicken + sotong flakes + nasi briyani = RM6.20. That's the most expensive plate of nasi kandar that I ever had. Need to remind self to resist the better rice which is nasi briyani...for my wallets sakes!

Look into my bag and saw that dreadful piece of form that I am supposed to pass up.

And I shudder, in fear. Again.

*what the hell am I doin?*

And Lydia and Siva right before I went over to my Japanese sent shiver down my spine as well.

The inexplicable phobia of responsibility strikes again.

And my headache strikes again. So I went into hiding in the library again, trying to hide myself away from reality. And yet I can't snap out of it. Why? In the end, I spend my time trying to read up my HBT103 assignments and watching NatGeo at news and magazine corner, and then later bump into juniors which I get their contact again. Looks like I am good being a senior!

Went back to Tekun for dinner around 6 something. The D'Campus carnival by Digi had pitifully small attendance. *Hello, USM? We need more noise from you* Too bad you guys choose a really crappy date for that. Marketing fail! Bus came and hop back to Tekun. (and seriously, the new buses for U-Commuter looks like a 2nd hand one from the crazy bus company which is Milan.) Bath and chill out and blah blah blah and in the end I am in Indah cafe, onlining and adding my juniors MSN contact while help out a lil in their assignment.

...and finally after all this of un-expected things that happen through out the day, this un-expected thing really cheers me up a lot: (ここから持ってくるよ～ありがとうございます～～ほんとに楽しいです～～～）Potentially R-rated pic ahead!

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V

野分xヒロさん!!! エロくて、萌え～～　ああ、もっと！

ウサギ先生x美咲！！！　これも萌え～～～　ウ、ウサギさん。。。もう。。!!

And there I was, giggling and squealing like some rabid and hormone-laden fangirl. I want sub of Junjou Romantica (純情ロマンチカ） DVD Director cut's version eps 3 and 4 to be out now!!!!!!! The sex scene is not still picture anymore!!!!!!!! Kyaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*blast off to Yaoi (やおい）-land*

ZheRong is now slightly happier than what he feel this morning, hanging at Indah kafe, giggling away like fangirls.

Maybank Merdeka Day ad 2008 (and apparently 2007, too)

Prologue: Halfway done my assignment, ready to push it to the end. Meanwhile, evading responsibilities continues...

So yesterday, I accompanied my Mainland-Chinese roommate for a trip to clinic (which I admit a little annoyed because I just had my dinner and I want to rest, and the trip reveals some unneeded extra information...?!) when I heard a really familiar language/accent came out from the TV at the waiting area of the patients...and immediately a pleasant, happy smile cracked on my face...

Its Maybank's Merdeka Ad. In Iban.

Its basically a Iban girl receiving a call from her mom and her musing about tiger (which is incidentally, Maybank's logo) and family heirloom and such. And hereby I present to you, the ad.






And apparently, this ad was used last year and they reused it again this year...looks like economic downturn really hurt the budget, huh? But anyway, I don't mind since actually I feel closer to home, my beloved SARAWAK even for just a minute plus.

And this is the reason why Sarawak will always be different and unique than any other state in Malaysia. Happy 45 anniversary, Sarawak.

Epilogue: Obviously with this, a Merdeka Day post is definitely expected in the future. Looking forward for 31st August!

Aversion.

So here I am again, coop up in library, sitting in front of my laptop onlining away while my usual piles of book and dictionary is on the desk right next to me. (Btw, love the single study desk section of the 2nd floor but it's kinda far from the lav.) Luckily manage to finish up my Japanese essay within time. Now, still doing what I think I should be doing.

Yet another session of escaping reality.

Tucked between all my crumpled notes of HBT103 and foolscape papers is a form.

Borang Penangguhan Projek.

The form was already filled in with all the details needed. The reason to delay the project and such.

The only thing that I need to do right now is to go up to the Student's Affair office, find the officer-in-charge, pass the form to him and thats it. All problem solved.

And yet, I am still here.

Escaping reality in library.

And its already 5pm. Office hours just ended.

What am I doing?

What am I trying to hide away from?

Why am I scared?

Why am I not acting like myself?

Insecure. Depression. Fatigue. Disillusioned. Disenchantment.

Now, I am having headache due to so much of negative thinking. *or maybe due to dehydration because we can't bring any drink into the library*

Now, I just want to care about my own wellbeing.

Now, I want to concentrate on things that I am comfortable of.

-------------------------------------------------

I wonder when was my last time that I actually tried to do something different, felt strongly about getting it and work hard for it on my own accord/decision/ways...

Being in BATI is one of them.

Joining PPMS is one of them.

Most of the other time however, is either being coerced by other people/swayed by words like: "Why don't you just try?"

...or being forced into it.

Most of the time, I just don't bothered to try anymore.

Motivation indeed played a great part in making people do something.

Motivation will make you go a long way just to do something, even if it is trivial in other people's eye.

But if you don't have the motivation, you won't even want to lift a finger.

Just like me now.

Hail procrastination.

----------------------------------------------

Looking on how did my personal self actually shrivelled in times of great challenge, I think I am developing into a sociophobe soon enough. Its just that I prefer constancy/stability in my life, that's all? and failure represents discrepancies in stability!

*Dug a hole and Dilly-dallied to dilly-dally land*

Exasperation.

My president called me in the morning.

He asked me to see officer-in-charge of our society to delay the project first.

...which followed by another message asking to delay it first instead of canceling it straight.

*ohh GREAT*

Just when I already set my mind in canceling the project,

...someone has to mention it again.

I am now shrouded in by inexplicable fear...

Unnerving phobia...

...of responsibility.

The very same phobia when I was involved in any previous project in AIESEC last (academic) year...

The very same phobia whenever my driver's license is involved...

The fear of uncertainties.

The fear of uninformed.

Even the slightest mention of responsibility will send my mind in haywire.

I am frustrated.

I am tired.

I had enough.

I am disoriented.

I am on the verge of madness.

What am I doing?

What will happen to me?

What should I do?

Where is myself?

I want my escape.

I want my own time and space, out of touch from the cruelty of reality...

I just want to go back to where I can feel comfortable of myself...

If there isn't any way out...

Then someone please just shot me in the head...

...and free me from my seemingly recurring torment.

I hope my sanity can hang on longer...

I hope I can still...HOPE.

FUCK REALITY.

FUCK RESPONSIBILITY.

---------------------------------------------

One very important element is driving a person ahead is definitely Motivation. And obviously today, my desire to go online as well as getting a lil of assignment done turns into some kind of motivation and here I goes, bracing the torrential rain just to find a proper internet connection...

View from the pedestrian bridge. Noticed the rain?

Unfortunately though, my original plan of going to library early in the morning had to be delayed by making a detour to Indah Kembara while waiting the rain to stop. As infamous as it can be, USMHotspot over there sucks...even though the antenna/router is right in front of me. Then around noon, the rain finally subside to acceptable level and I proceed to my destination: library...but real event only start after I had my lunch. Because I am just plain depressed (due to the things that I mentioned above), I binge myself with unhealthy and expensive fast food, this time McDonald.

...and I wonder how many hundred dollars that I surrendered to the American hegemony of consumerisme just to find a slight comfort in eating in effort overcoming my imminent depression...

McValue Meal Quarter Pounder, with large softdrink and fries.

The sticking cheese on the wrapping is the indicator that the burger had been left around for quite a while in which the cheese cold down and stuck to the wrapping...but I still eat it anyway...

*edited to put more pics*

Passing through the desolated ConvEx Ground during while going over to BaliBali for dinner...silence after much fanfare and celebration, everything falls back to normal...

Going back to Tekun late at night after library is closed. Passing through the desolated DK Foyer...

After tiring walk for about 20 minutes, reached back to my dearly hostel. Taken at the main gate of RST hostel complex.

All the way up to heaven: the (in)famous uphill road of RST. Luckily Tekun is only halfway of it.

*in the end little progress on all assignment...this is kinda depressing after one whole day in library...*

ZheRong is still hating how his life going on right now...

Epilogue: Maybe that particular download of yaoi manga that keep on broken due to CRAP USMHOTSPOT is one of the reason why I AM ANAL NOW. FUCK USMHOTSPOT too.

[Filler] Snippets of my life: Laundry Day

Prologue: Because I just feel like it.

Every weekend especially Saturday is when I usually do my laundry trip. Before that, clothes need to be piled up first throughout one week to make the laundry trip (RM 2 per use of washing machine at the laundry room) worth the money. When the amount of laundries reached suitable level, its time to do the washing!!! *plus I am just lazy to wash my clothes with hand*

The laundries.

RM2 worth of 20 cents coin. Ahh, washing machine over RST only receive coins. But at least it is cheaper than those in-campus hostel which receive notes...RM3 per use! Need to collect those coins throughout the week as well.

The washing powder, the small RM1 package which is good for 3 washes.

After putting the laundries into the washing tub, apply washing powder, insert the coin, choose the desired cycle and voila! And we shall wait for 25 minutes...

After around 25 minutes, its time to check the laundries and dry it. The weapon needed for the task: clothing clips.

The laundries, perfectly washed and clean and ready to be dried.

...and there it is, clipped and dried on the clothing line outside the hostel building. Mission Laundry Day: accomplished!

Epilogues: I know, its mundane daily life stuff. But if we ignore all the mundane stuff in our life altogether, then there isn't much left in our life...sometimes there are a lot of stuff in our life if we pay attention and squint really hard.

Respiendo las coletillas/Tags.

Prologue: Feel like practicing my Spanish a lil.

Tengo dos coletillas para respiendo.

Este desde Paul:

1)What do you want the most now?

For a university student in which is being pressed hard by all the assignments, TIME. Deseo mucho tiempo para hago deberes.

2)Who is the person you trust the most?

Usually I trust anyone who treat me nicely but from time to time there will be occasion that I don't trust anyone including myself...

3)Are you in love?

I am in love with everyone esp. ALL MY FRIENDS. What? That's a kind of love too! Besides that, I am in love with my lappie and internet connection and Yaoi and...(continues ad infinitum)

4)If you could have a dream come true. What would it be?

Everyone is happy with their life and nice and honest towards each other.

5)Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

The formation of rainbow requires certain condition of weather so...yeah I am pretty sceptical about it.

6)What's your goal for this year?

Maintaining my sanity and mental health and keeping myself happy while going through second year smoothly without mishaps...and hopefully can maintain a respectable pointers if not Dean's List.

7)Do you believe in eternity?

Not much but I do believe human compassion kindness are meant to be eternity.

9)What feelings do you love most?

Relief and satisfaction.

10)What are the requirements of your other half?

Just be nice to me.

11)What kind of feelings do you hate the most?

Uselessness and lost.

12)Do you cherish every friendship of yours?

Yes and its extremely hard for me to see anyone of it broken and hurt.

13)What do you want to do in the future?

Hopefully, doing a masters either in Linguistics and anything that is related to my major (Translation and Interpretation). And then work in USM if not civil service.

14)What is the most important thing in your life?

My own happiness.

15)What did you feel last night?

Fatigue. From early in the morning walking all the way from one end of the campus(my hostel) to the other end of campus, scaling the steep hill to Pusat Bahasa with a laptop bag at back and another sling back in hand, then camp in library try to do assignment in vain and then go back by foot again carrying the same stuff back to hostel late night. That's what I call fatigue!

16)Who do you hope to always be there for you?

Anyone who actually noticed me and cared about me let it be family, friends or total stranger.

17)When do you think the world will end?

It will end when it ends.

18)The world ends tomorrow. What will you do?

I wait.

19)What do you think of the person who tagged you?

He is stoically intelligent, truly a genius with a level of thinking beyond normal people. And he is kinda cute. (僕は眼鏡君と運動者萌え～～～）

20)What do you want to know right now?

What do other people actually think about me, everything.

Then add 6 people in your list and list them out at the end of the post.
Notify them in their chatbox that he/she has been tagged! =)

No sigo norma porque no tengo mucho contacto y soy perezoso :P.

Or, just anyone who read this and feel like wanna continuar las coletillas.

...y este desde WenQi:

Name 10 people to do this survey. Answer these questions honestly~~ ( formalities )**

Otra vez, no sigo. O, anyone who read this and feel like continuar las coletillas.

1 ) Are you allowed to have a bf/gf

My parents and myself (as in personal values) advised not to have BF/GF any time now. Plus its tedious to maintain one anyway.

2 ) Describe yourself in one word.

Oddly...(due to the limit of words, feel free to figure out what is the second word. Even I do wonder about it)

3 ) Who would you pick, someone who really loves you, or the one you love?

Here's the thing, this question is way too open ended. It does not specify what type of love, lack of specification on either side. It lacks...context. Its...too...confusing!!!!! *drop dead*

*Because of the complexity in interpreting the question, the answerer to this tag had suffered brain damage and had to be infirmed.*

4 ) Have you ever loved someone BEFORE but never had the courage to tell him/her?

If I squint really hard, yeap. But its not important anyway.

5 ) Does it feel good to love?

It feels good to love everyone that love you.

6 ) God is giving u just 5 more minutes to live, IF you love someone special what will you say to that person?

...I don't think I will be able to say anything. But why god exist and created you only to tell you will die in 5 minutes? *fumes*

7 ) What will you say to someone who doesn’t want to believe you??

Nothing. I just don't fxxking care about fxxkers.

8 ) Was ever a time that you tried to learn to love someone?

Mostly to love myself and occasionally other people.

9 ) What’s your opinion about someone who’s jealous?

We are on the same level so stop being jealous.

10 ) What can you say about playboys/playgirls?

Disloyal jerk/sex bomb. (I know, I love to contradict myself.)

[[ * PARTE 2 * ]]

1 ) Best place to cry? Anyplace that I can hide/sink my face of.

2 ) Who do you love the most? Anyone who had been nice to me including myself.

3 ) Tell us your dream last night? I have no idea why the hell I dreamed about this: A doctor told me that I make a significant improvement in countering obesity and my weight dropped from 92kg to 86kg. Must be my friend's quip that I will cancel all the food eaten at the ConvEx by walking too much these couple of days.

4 ) Ever hated someone so bad? Once in a while the level of hate and vengeance spiked but usually, no. For now.

5 ) The biggest & most hurtful lie you heard? I don't remember. Maybe I just don't want to.

[[ * EL ULTIMO PERSONA... * ]]

:: Had a beer with? All my friend that I went with to Bon Odori Penang, in which I had a sip of Asahi Beer (朝日ビール）.

:: Went to the movies with? SzeSze, YenPheng and XinMi, all my coursemates for The Dark Knight and GSC Queensbay.

:: Talked on the cell phone with? Either Theepha (on assignments) or SzeSze (on going out for dinner)

:: You hugged? ...I just can't remember...

:: You yelled at? Should be at Tze Sieng, my coursemate while she crossed the road on the way to Pusat Bahasa. (おい、おんな！）

[[ * DURANTE LA SEMANA PASADO, TU HACES...* ]]

>> Kissed sumone? Nope. In fact, it has been a VERY, VERY long time.

>> Sing/sung/song? Quite a lot actually, esp Robbie Williams' The Road to Mandalay.

>> Danced crazy? Hmm..nope I think.

// Think of the last time u were angry, why were you angry? I don’t want exactly to remember.

// You will die in 3 mins. Last call? Stop telling me that I will die in anytime.

// If you could do anything OR wish anything, wad would it be? I wish everyone that everyone is happy with their life and nice and honest towards each other.

//Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone I would prefer to call it...persuasion.

// Are you old fashioned? Pretty much if you compared to my contemporaries.

// What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back? Both.

// What things would be the hardest thing for you to give up on? Anything that is about me/things that I think shouldn't be give up of.

Termino responder las coletillas! Estes colletillas son un poco interesante y relaciondo a yo.

Epilogue: Hmm...should I take higher level in Spanish? Still thinking...

Ultimatum

Prologues: Beware! The following post may cause brainfart and irrational behaviors. Read with caution.

Yesterday 13th of August.

All assignments: handed up in time.

Body: Amazingly, intact

Soul: Exhausted.

Unfortunately, something else had to be the victim of circumstances…

Projects and responsibility: Fell through. FAILED. GONE. CANCELLED.

On my own accord/decision.

Because of technicality.

Because of time constraint.

or maybe, just maybe...

simply because...

and I don't feel like I am capable to pull it off...
I don't feel like doin' it

I did not prepare and hand in the project proposal in time to the Student Affairs.

Delaying it into 2nd semester is not an option because we all know that 2nd sem is the busiest time in an academic year.

It was supposed to be the simplest project of all.

And I still manage to fail a project before a project takes off.

I was given an earful of grilling by Lydia (who was understandably and justifiable, FRUSTRATED) during the previous meeting when I suggested to cancel this project (which later albeit reluctantly by Romie, to approve the cancellation of the project.

I feel miserable.

Because it's almost totally correct.

Throughout the rest of the meeting, with them discussing about electing a 2nd vice president, I was sitting in front of my laptop, feeling desolated, alone, useless.

Like a dog licking his own wound.

I personally, do anticipated that I will get any sort of grilling before suggesting it before I never knew its gonna be this miserable.

Reality
is.
cruel.

Yes, I do admit that it was wholly my mistake for not making the initiative to enquire and finish up the kertas kerja. And I do spend quite a while contemplating about what did Lydia said to me.

Unfortunately though, there was one particular thing that I perasan or terasa from that episode which is "achieving dean's list through out all your academic year" and such. (I can't remember the exact line but...)

Yeah, I got it...again. Hopefully can continue the momentum. This is the slide during the ceremony, held on the auspicious date of 08.08.08. Unfortunately for me though, the coming week proved to be one of the worst week that I had...so far.

So now even my own hardwork for myself are in question, by other people and now myself.

These sentiments pops out all the time and it makes me think: what’s the point that I get Dean’s list and achieve academic excellence when no one else are actually cared much about it? Academic excellence these days tend to be sidelined and relegated to secondary or worse position in priority. In this world of over elitism and over attention in being the leader in everything, giving full attention to academics and thinking is not important anymore.

Besides, this kind of hardwork is a whole different level of hardwork and I think it is extremely unfair if we ever questioned hardwork in academics and neglecting it in favor of other kind hardwork. So am I not hardworking just because I gave my 100% on one thing and less on the other? Am I irresponsible if I being responsible to myself more than I am being responsible to other things?

“Do-ers” and “Go-getters” are SO in the demand in this world even though their level of thinking is sub par. The only think they need to do is to convince the rest of the people into believing him and make something out in appeasing them. Once you look into it though, what they did is actually not much. And very often what they say and what they did are akin to liars and cheaters and just want to make themselves look better.

......

…what?

You say I shouldn’t say like that?

You say that I am indeed look like a dog licking his own wound?

You say I am just a useless piece of jerk who only knows how to say and never do anything.

You say when I am in this position I should be responsible about it than just to perform the basic ones.

You say that I am wrong.

…Fine.

I am just sulking. I am just depressed. I just want to make a statement. Being surrounded by the better people (like him, him, her, him, her, him, and all sorts of other people that I connected to me) sometimes makes me depress and insecure. What am I when I compared myself to them? Compared to them, I am just as insignificant as anyone else.

I can't even swim and ride a bike for pete's sake!

Sometimes I wonder where my niche in life is.

Sometimes I wonder whether my life is going on the right course.

Just when I am confident about where am I going to be, something pops up and doubt it again.

Why can’t I just be myself?

Why other people wants me to be the one they want me to be?

Everytime I want to say something else, people will just struck me down, silencing me while deriding everything that I say as mere excuses. People rarely listen.

Hence, HERE, ending up as pure rant in my blog.

Epilogue: Ouch. This is indeed pure rant as points pop up everywhere and disorganized. But you know, the train of thought, being a train needs time to slow down. And this train is quite hard to stop. *wink*

And to any real people in real life mentioned here esp Lydia: I am extremely sorry because I let you guys down. And the content over here is not exclusively refers to any one of you but everything about reality in general. Plus I need to update my blog and finding a place to rant about away my frustration. Putting rants into writing is a very good de-stress techniques. And I am actually feeling way better now as people who read this will get the message somewhat!

For anyone else that actually "terasa" though, please watch out your words and emotion when attempting to reply. This is my turf and I have my right to define what is flame and what is constructive criticism. *donning flame proof suits and armed with flame thrower*

I rest my case.

[Filler] The Road to Mandalay

Prologue: First post in August...and its filler?! Lack of inspiration, lack of time, lack of energy, lack of motivation...lets just say the past week had been extremely TORMENTING...no, its an understatement. Things had been slightly better since then, but the worse has yet to come...

The Road To Mandalay- Robbie Williams

Save me from drowning in the sea
Beat me up on the beach
What a lovely holiday
There's nothing funny left to say

This sombre song would drain the sun
But it won't shine until it's sung
No water running in the stream
The saddest place we've ever seen

Everything I touched was golden
Everything I loved got broken
On the road to Mandalay
Every mistake I've ever made
Has been rehashed and then replayed
As I got lost along the way

There's nothing left for you to give
The truth is all that you're left with
Twenty paces then at dawn
We will die and be reborn

I like to sleep beneath the trees
Have the universe at one with me
Look down the barrel of a gun
And feel the Moon replace the Sun

Everything we've ever stolen
Has been lost returned or broken
No more dragons left to slay
Every mistake I've ever made
Has been rehashed and then replayed
As I got lost along the way

Save me from drowning in the sea
Beat me up on the beach
What a lovely holiday
There's nothing funny left to say.

This is the song that I chose for my presentation in LHP459: English for Interpretation. When listened to it at Pusat Bahasa and Terjemahan, a certain familiarity struck into me: this is the song that they used in the Korean Air commercial for their new flight attendant uniform!!! And immediately I chose the song as my topic of presentation. *Bum bum bum Ba Ra Ra Bum Bum!!*

Epilogue:...and one of the source of torment (Needed one, but still tormenting) is the assignment deadline and I have 3 more (HBT103 First Assignment, LHP459 Presentation, LAE200 Short Essays) to catch next week. I AM OFFICIALLY IN DESPAIR NOW...despite the fact that I took certain action to alleviate my torment...