21 weeks and some firsts

J was able to feel some outside kicks last night! We were lying in bed watching TV when i started to feel some really strong kicks so i put his hand there and after a few seconds his eyes lit up and he said he never wanted to take his hand away again, but he only got that one before he(I am thinking it was Baby B) quieted down, but then about an hour later he started back up and J was able to feel a few more.

I have my first stretch mark. Its on the bottom of my right boob, which I find odd since my boobs really have not grown much. I can still wear my A cups. Hopefully I won't get anymore. (Yeah, right)

I have also been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. I plan to discuss this with my OB on Tuesday. She said at my last appointment to call if I have more than 6 in an hour and the most I have counted so for is 4, but they seem to be getting stronger. I don't like. They worry me that my cervix will start shortening and dilating too soon. So I have been trying to take it easy today and I have only had like 1 all day, so I may put myself on modified bedrest to try to fend them off. I just feel like a lazy pig if i do nothing all day.

I am excited to see them again on Tuesday and hopefully confirm the sex on Baby A. I think they are doing another anatomy scan since that last one I had was with my MFM. The u/s appointment is scheduled for an hour and last time for just a quick look it was only scheduled for 20 minutes.

20 weeks

Halfway there! Well technically more than halfway since I won't go to 40 weeks, but still yay!

How far along? 20w1d
Total weight gain/loss: + 20 pounds (I did my 20 lbs in 20 weeks even without eating much. I credit the protien shakes with ensure i have been downing almost everyday)
Stretch marks? not yet, but I am sure they will appear
Sleep: Pretty much non existant at this point. I just lay awake for hours :/
Movement: Definitely! They get pretty active in there sometimes, but still not hard enough to feel from the outside.
Food cravings: Nothing really
Belly Button: Its stretching. I think it will pop out by 30 weeks.
What I miss: Sleep
What I’m looking forward to: Movement from the outside so J can feel it.
Milestones: Definite movement

I have been a bad blogger

I just don't really have much to say. My life is pretty boring right now. One great thing is that I am feeling movement. Actually I have been feeling it for about 3 weeks but at first was not sure it was the babies. But now I am sure its them! They get pretty active in there sometimes especially after I eat. I can't wait until J can feel them on the outside. He looks at me sometimes and says "There are 2 people INSIDE of you, thats so weird" But he is so excited.

We still don't have much nursery progress to report. Its hard to come up with decor for a b/g nursery. I am thinking we will paint 3 walls a pale sage green and the 4th wall where the cribs will go will be a darker sage green with a white tree mural. I made some cute owls out of scrapbook paper. I am not sure on the colors of them and I may make some more in more green shades and then frame them for over the dresser. I am probably sticking with plain white bedding since I can't find a thing I like thats neutral. There are plenty of frilly pink sets I like and plenty of boyish sets, but i want some semblance of matchiness in there.

They also have names, well they are still subject to change up until birth, but right now Baby girl is Shea Elizabeth (I am not sold on the MN so it will probably change) and Baby boy is Logan Henry.

Thats about it. I promise to take a belly pic on Sunday which will be 20 weeks! I have been slack on belly pics.

18w1d and Anatomy Scan

We had our anatomy scan on Friday and everyone looked great! They were 8oz each which puts them ahead of schedule! Baby B is still a boy, no one has any doubts about that as he is not shy. Baby A is most likely a girl, but no one will say 100%. We don't have another u/s for 4 weeks so I am going with boy/girl to register etc, but saving all the receipts for anything i buy. We did get our registry started at Buy Buy Baby. Wow its so overwhelming. There is just so much stuff!

I am also now officially unemployed. Stupid economy. Since no one will hire a KU lady and I don't plan to go back to work after the babies are born anyway, I am just enjoying the free time while I have it. It does get lonley being alone all day with just the dogs and cats but there are a ton of projects I want to do so hopefully I can keep myself busy and have a nice clean house! Although I have been off work for a week and have yet to even vacuum. Oh well, there is time!

U/S today

and everyone was looking great! Both babies were measuring about a week ahead and both weighed in at 7ozs. I am so happy they are the same size and that Baby A caught up! They were kicking each other like crazy. Especially Baby B, he is so active. I wonder if he will be once hes an outside baby? Baby A seems more laid back. It amazing they have personalities already. Baby B is definitely still a boy and was not shy about showing it. Baby A is still not giving up the goods. The tech at first said boy, but then said its most likely a girl but could not get a shot showing the three lines that confirms it. I am unsure. I know I saw something between the legs but then it went away and then i thought i caught a glimpse of the three lines. So maybe it was the cord? We have another u/s on Friday with my MFM so hopefully Baby A will be a little more cooperative. I want to start decorating!

I am just so happy they are healthy! We got some pretty god shots this time:

Baby A:



Baby B:

17 weeks

How far along? 17w1d
Total weight gain/loss: + 12 pounds
Stretch marks? not yet, but I am sure they will appear
Sleep: not so good anymore. I cannot get comfortable. If I lay on my left side my left hip hurts, if I lay on my right my right hip hurts.
Movement: Possibly. I can't be positive but I may have felt a little bit.
Food cravings: Salty things
Belly Button: It looks weird because the bottom part of the hole from my belly button ring is now visible.
What I miss: Sleeping on my back
What I’m looking forward to: Seeing the babies tomorrow and confirming the sexes
Milestones: Possible movement

Salt

Let me preface this by saying I LOVE salt. I would rather have salty things than sweet. But salt has broken up with me. I am noticing that when I have salt my finger swell up and my rings hurt. I had some fries Saturday night and within an hour I felt like my rings were going to cut off my circulation. So i have to make the choice to either wear my wedding rings or eat french fries. :(

15 weeks

We have furniture!

J and I were over near Buy Buy Baby yesterday (all the baby stores are at least 45 mins from home) so while we were nearby we decided to go in and browse the furniture one more time before making any final decisions. J has been in love with one set there since day one and I really liked it too, but it cost more than I wanted to spend and they never had any of the pieces in stock and it can take up to 20 weeks to come in and I would kinda like to have the nursery set up before the babies get here. Well as soon as we walked in J went directly to his favorite set and was determined that we were getting that set. Amazingly they had 2 cribs and the tall dresser in stock so we went ahead and got them. They did not have any of the short dressers, but they already have an order in for several so it should be in within 6-8 weeks. This is the set we got:

NT Scan

I had my first appointment with my MFM on Friday and she did my NT Scan. First we met with the geneticist and went over our family histories etc. She felt we were not at a high risk for any genetic disorders and didn't feel we needed any additional testing unless we really wanted to do it. So we declined everything but the NT Scan. Since the Dr. was delivering a baby we had to wait forever which was no fun. But finally we got called to the ultrasound room. Once we saw them and their little hearts beating away I asked the u/s tech if it was too early to see the sexes. She said she would look and immediately Baby B gave up the goods and she said Baby B is definitely a boy! She got all his measurements and he was measuring 3 days ahead at 14w1d. Baby A was being very uncooperative so the tech left for a few minutes hoping it would move, but when she came baby it was still all balled up. She tried to get the measurements she needed and Baby A was measuring 3 days behind at 13w2d. Which kind of worried me. But J says it was because of being balled up. (He had a much better view of the screen than I did). The tech still could not get a shot of the goods to tell us the sex. She left again and this time the Dr. and a different tech came in to get some more measurements. After Dr. W got her measurements she asked if we wanted to know the sexes and we said YES! She said Baby A appears to be a girl and Baby B looks like a boy, but don't go out and decorate the nursery or anything yet. So it looks like we are having one of each!!! We then met with Dr. W and she went over the results of the scan. She said both babies are looking perfect and their NT folds measure right where she wants them, which is under 3.5 mm. They were 1.5mm and 1.7mm. I asked about Baby A measuring behind and she was not concerned at all, she said it would have to be a much bigger difference for her to be concerned. So right now everyone is looking great!

Dr. W said that my biggest risk right now is pre term labor and the best way to combat that is to drink at least a gallon of water a day and milk, juice, and moisture in foods don't count. It has to be a gallon of plain water, however lemonade and kool-aid are okay too if I need a change. So I have been dutifully drinking myself to the point of drowning.

And here are some of my favorite pics from the u/s:

Baby A Profile



Hello! (Baby A)


Baby B


Baby B (Boy Parts)

2nd Tri

Woot officially second tri!

13w1d

How far along? 13w1d
Total weight gain/loss: + 7 pounds
Stretch marks? not yet, but I am sure they will appear
Sleep: not so good anymore. I cannot get comfortable.
Best moment this week: Seeing the babies again and watching them wiggle around
Movement: not yet
Food cravings: Pizza pretzel combos
Belly Button: its starting to flatten out
What I miss: Staying up past 9pm
What I’m looking forward to: Getting out of the first tri
Weekly Wisdom: No gems this week
Milestones: Had my OB appointment

First OB appointment

I had my first OB appointment yesterday. It went great except for the fact that I was there for over 3 hours. My appointment was at 2 so we got there about 1:40 because we knew there would be papers to fill out. Then the power went out. After about 10 minutes everyone was given the option to reschedule or wait it out. Most people left so we decided to give it 30 minutes since it was looking like we would be the next ones called back since everyone in front of us left. Well it came back on about 20 minutes later and we were the next ones called back. We met with the dr. and went over all the typical dos and don'ts etc. and she told me that since its twins, she wants me to also see a high risk OB. I will see each dr. every 4 weeks so I will see one or the other every 2 weeks. I then had an exam and a pap and was ushered off to the ultrasound room. Both babies looked great. They were measuring right on track at 12w1d and 12w2d (I was 12w1d) with heart rates of 171 and 165. We weren't able to get a good shot of them both together because they were on different planes. Basically one had its head toward my belly button and its feet toward my spine and the other one was laying right to left. They were sleeping at first so the tech had to wake them up. So cute! Then they drew 8 vials of blood. Eight! The high risk office called today and scheduled my Level II ultrasound for next Friday. I am hoping to catch a glimpse of the goodies but it may still be too early. Here are the little gummy bears:
Baby A


Baby B



and here is momma bear at 12w1d

Doppler came in today!

and we heard both heartbeats, i think. I know we got one and listened to it for awhile and calculated it at around 160 bpm. I think we heard the second one but that baby was being uncooperative and as soon as we would hear it it would move so we didn't really get to calculate it so I cannot be positive it was not the same one twice, but it was on the other side and sounded a little faster. J thinks the doppler is the coolest thing ever and i had to forbid him from using it on the dogs. ::sigh:: He has a new toy. I am going to try my best not to obsess and listen to them every 20 minutes. I am going to limit myself to once in the evenings.

It still feels so weird to think that there are living creatures inside of me. It still seems so abstract. Maybe once i feel them move it will feel more real. I just can't wrap my brain around it.

11w3d

How far along? 11w3d
Total weight gain/loss: + 5 pounds
Stretch marks? not yet, but I am sure they will appear
Sleep: not so good anymore. I cannot get comfortable.
Best moment this week: Wearing my first maternity shirt. If my belly is growing the babies must be growing right?
Movement: not yet
Food cravings: Nothing really, I have reverted to the "nothing sounds good, don't make me eat" phase
Belly Button: its starting to flatten out
What I miss: Not being a zombie by 3pm
What I’m looking forward to: Getting out of the first tri
Weekly Wisdom: No gems this week
Milestones: Nothing has really happened this week.

There is baby stuff in my house

Eeek! Today a wonderful coworker gave me: a swing, a tub, a jumper, a play mat and a $300 Medela breast pump that she used for 2 weeks. Everything looks brand new! We added it all to the pile of crap in the to be nursery. We have so much work to do to that room. I walk in there to do stuff and get overwhelmed and don't know where to begin and leave. All of J's crap is in there and its bursting at the seams. We have some serious purging to do. I need to take some before pictures.

I also bought a snoogle yesterday. I still can't get comfortable on my side. I can only sleep on my back. I am trying to train myself to sleep on my left side, but my left arm goes numb every time. Sometimes I manage to fall asleep on my side, but I always wake up on my back. Once laying on my back becomes uncomfortable I will probably not sleep at all.

I ordered a dopplar today. I am excited for it to come in but also nervous. I know if I can't find the heartbeats I will freak out, but I have my OB appointment on Monday, so it will be a short lived freak out. I have gotten spoiled by the weekly u/s and now I have to go 2 weeks and I am not even sure I will get one at my first OB appointment. I wish they sold at home u/s machines.

I leave you with an 11w1d belly pic.

Bye bye boobies

::sigh:: I knew it was too good to be true. I was hoping my recent acquisitions were pregnancy related and that pregnancy would give me the nice rack I have always dreamed of, well it looks like thats not the case. :( As soon as I stopped taking the Estrace, my gifts from the boob fairy slowly started to fade away into oblivion. I am almost back to my pre-pregnancy barely A's. I should have known it was the Estrace from the beginning since they exploded just a few days after I started taking it, so by 4dpo I was stacked. I am still holding out hope that one day the boob fairy will return to my house soon and leave me some nice little presents.

10 week Belly Pic

I am a few days late with this, but my internet at home has not been working. J fixed it last night thank goodness!



I think its a little smaller than last week. I am attributing it to the fact that I am off the estrace so some of the bloating has gone down.

I thought I would do one of these little surveys everyone does, because I never know what to write anymore.

How far along? 10w3d
Total weight gain/loss: + 4 pounds
Stretch marks? not yet, but I am sure they will appear
Sleep: great except for getting up to pee six times a night
Best moment this week: seeing the babies wiggling around like crazy
Movement: not yet
Food cravings: Ice cold orange juice. I cannot get enough
Belly Button: its starting to flatten out
What I miss: Staying up past 9:00pm
What I’m looking forward to: Getting out of the first tri
Weekly Wisdom: You can't have cats around babies because they will suck the breath out of them. Thanks grandma, I will be sure to remember this ::eye roll::
Milestones: They actually look like babies now and not blobs!

Graduation!

Today I graduated from my RE. Its bittersweet. I love the Dr. and the nurses there, but I will be glad to be a normal OB patient, well as normal as a twin pregnancy can get. I had my 10w1d ultrasound today and both babies looked great. They were wiggling around like crazy and both measured right on at 10w1d with heart rates of 164 and 175. The RE believes that the spotting was from one of the placentas, but since it was a very tiny spot and I have had no more bleeding since, he was not concerned. He just said call if I have any more bleeding. I sure hope I don't because bleeding sucks. Here is the best pic from today. It was really hard to get a good shot of them both together.

Bleeding Scare

So just as I was getting comfortable in this pregnancy I start bleeding. On Monday night, I was getting ready for bed and noticed mostly brown, but with a little red blood. It really freaked me out and I didn't know what to do. I could not get in touch with my RE's office. I have never been so scared in my life and the internet did not help. It told me I was loosing one of the babies. So J took me to the ER. Probably overreacted but I was so scared. An u/s showed both babies were doing great. They were even measuring a little ahead and had strong heart beats. The ER Dr. could not tell me what was causing the bleeding but told me since I am RH- I needed a Rhogam shot or else my body would reject the babies. Way to freak me the fuck out even more. The nurse came in to do it and was saying some people have a severe reaction to it so they would need to monitor me for an hour etc. I was like hold up. My RE knows I am RH-, he has not even mentioned this shot. I knew I would need one at some point, but i wanted to talk to my RE before doing anything drastic. The ER Dr. stressed that i would need to get this shot within 72 hours. So first thing yesterday morning I called my RE's office and of course he is out of town this week, but I talked to the wonderful nurse there and she told me that the spotting was most likely from on of the babies burrowing into a blood vessel and since we had seen both heartbeats that she was not at all concerned. I asked her about the shot and she said I absolutely did not need it since J is also RH-. The babies will be RH- and my body will not attack them. I am so glad I waited on the shot. Mt RE is having me come in on Monday for another u/s to make sure everything is still moving along as it should. This is just all so scary. I wish I had my own home u/s machine. I think I am going to order a doppaar so it will be here by the time I can actually hear something.

9 weeks

I can't complain. I have had very mild symptoms. Only mild nausea and no vomiting (except when I brush my teeth, which has become very unpleasant). The past few days my gag reflex has been on the top of its game. Just someone mentioning something gross is enough to make me gag. J and I went the other day and bought me some more maternity pants. I only had 2 pair which I was wearing everyday. My belly is getting huge for 9 weeks! I can't even come close to buttoning my old pants and I hate the bella band. It will not stay in place. So I resigned to wearing full panel maternity pants and I may never go back. They are so comfy. No buttons, no zippers - Heaven! I have only gained maybe 2 lbs even though I have been eating like crazy. Its starting to feel real now. And here is a pic of my belly in all its glory. Ignore the stretch marks on my hips, sadly they have been there for years.

8w1d

I had my 8w1d u/s today. Both babies look perfect. They are both measuring 8 weeks exactly with heart rates of 173 and 165. I am so glad the one that was measuring behind caught up. I was worried about that one. I have to go back to my RE one more time at 11w1d and then I will officially graduate. He is going to set me up with an ob who is experienced with multiples. Here are 2 pf the pics from today. I got like 20 pics to bring home. I love my nurse. She printed out everything!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The good: No spotting! That makes me feel good. I am also still incredibly bloated so much so that I have been wearing maternity pants for a week now. My regular pants fit in the mornings, but by the end of the day I can't breathe. I want to wear maternity pants forever. They are so comfy!

The bad: My boobs have completely stopped hurting and growing, which worries me. I have spent countless hours googling loss of breast soreness and most of the responses say its perfectly normal, but there is always that one response that says "My boobs stopped hurting, then I miscarried" So I of course focus on that. I am really terrified of my u/s on Monday. I just want both babies the be healthy and growing.

The ugly: My tummy is covered with black hairs. It has always been covered with blonde peach fuzz, but the past couple of days I have noticed it turn black and get really long and think. Its disgusting. I even noticed some of the blonde hairs on my face are turning black. Nasty. I plucked out a patch underneath each eye yesterday. It hurt like hell! So now part of my morning routine is to carefully examine my face for stray black hairs.

And I am late on posting this but here is a 7 week belly shot:

Today's irrational freakout

I have not had any nausea at all. Therefore in my head, something must be wrong. Most pregnant woman get sick at some point especially with multiples. My sore boobs also come and go and when they don't hurt I freak out even more. I seriously cannot relax. Its driving me insane. I need a chill pill, for realz.

Some Pictures

The babes at 6w1d









6w1d Belly. I have a feeling I am going to be huge.

Head Count

=2! I am having TWINS! OMG! I still can't believe it. As soon as the RE put the wand in I saw both sacks. RE was in the process of turning the screen to me so he didn't catch it right away and when he looked at the screen he said there is only one, I was about to say something, but he moved the wand and said nope, there are 2! Baby A was measuring right on at 6w1d with a h/r of 120 bpm. Baby B was measuring 2-3 days behind with a h/r of 105 bpm. RE was not concerned about Baby B being a little smaller. He said it just implanted a few days later. OMG I am still in shock. I go back in 2 weeks for another u/s. I can't wait to see them again!

Beta #3 is in

and according the the nurse everything looks great. I didn't even ask for the numbers because I don't want to google them for hours and obsess over why they didn't do what the internets say they should etc. So first ultrasound is set for next Monday. I will only be 6w1d so I am bracing myself for not being able to see a whole lot, but at least we will get a head count. I am pretty sure there is only one in there, although Josh is convinced there are more. I am hoping for one healthy baby, but 2 would be okay. No more than that. I would freak!

So the positive thinking thing

I am not doing so well with it. I am just so scared. I cannot imagine that I will actually get a baby out of this. Infertility has totally fucked up my brain. Every little thing freaks me out. I freak when I have cramps, I freak when I don't have cramps. Last night I cried because my boobs stopped hurting. (They are hurting again, but in a different place, weird). I know I need to calm down and symptoms come and go, but I want to feel every.single symptom possible to reassure myself that things are progressing as they should. I am praying for morning sickness. See what I mean about infertility screwing me up permanently. What person in their right mind prays to be puking. An infertile thats who. I am just trying to make it though until my u/s. Once I see the little cupcake then I will feel better (for a few minutes).

Beta #2

is 292. Doubling time is 60.78 hours. "Normal" doubling time is 48-72 hours so I am smack dab in the middle. The RE's office was happy with the numbers and I go back next Tuesday for another beta. First u/s is tentatively scheduled for 9/14 putting me at 6 weeks 1 day. I am still nervous but I am trying to make an effort to be positive. Today I am pregnant!

Major freak out mode

I think I know waaaaay too much. I am so freaked out right now. I am trying to prepare myself for bad news tomorrow. I am convinced its a c/p. I have no reason to think this especially with such a high first beta, but alas I am worried. I took a FRER yesterday morning and in my mind the line was a little lighter, well both the test and control lines were a little lighter actually, a minuscule amount, but that freaked me out. Digitals still pop up pregnant within 30 seconds though. I have no more FRERs and I refuse to buy more because I will just continue to compare lines, when I know thats not accurate and they are not made to be comparable to each other. I tell myself I will feel better if I get a good second beta tomorrow, but I know it will be short lived. I am a worrier, thats what I do and as long as there is something to worry about, I will dwell on it. Its going to be a long 9 months.

As far as symptoms, my boobs still hurt and I am still having some cramping but much less than I was at 9-11dpo. I am assuming those were implantation cramps and now I am just feeling my uterus doing its thing. I am exhausted. I took two naps yesterday. This morning I woke up at 9:30 got up had some breakfast and read until 11 and went back to bed for an hour. I have not had any nausea but every now and then i will get the urge to dry heave but it will pass as quickly as it comes on. I feel pretty good in the mornings, but start feeling crappy after lunch. I so hope this is the real thing and that I have a sticky baby. It just so hard to believe its real after 2 years of heartache.

HOLY CRAP!

I'm pregnant! I never thought I would say those words. I am still in shock and keep waiting to wake up from another cruel BFP dream. For the past few days I have been feeling weird twinges and cramps, my boobs have been really sore (which I still think is from the estrace) and I have been exhausted. I have been going to bed around 9:00 for the past week. I had not planned on testing until Monday when my period would be late, but for some reason when I woke up yesterday I had an irresistible urge to test. Mainly to see the BFN and move on. I was in shock when the test line popped up within 10 seconds. Beta #1 at 12dpo = 136. I go back Monday for beta #2. I am just praying it doubles.

Depression

I am feeling incredibly depressed lately. I am pretty sure this cycle didn't work and we are running very low on funds to finance all this crap. We may be able to get in one more IUI before we have to take an extended break to save up again. Plus I found out yesterday that my SIL that has been TTC for over a year now is seeing a fertility specialist tomorrow. I have "diagnosed" her with low progesterone so I am sure the doctor will give her progesterone supps and she will be pregnant in a month. Then I will have 2 pregnant SILs. There is no way on earth I will be able to make it though the holidays. Just thinking about it makes me break down. On top of all that work is kicking my ass. I am covering for a girl who is on maternity leave (I hate the universe)and all her clients are so high maintenance. They call me 100 times a day and I have to hold their hands though the simplest things. I am seriously stressed out and depressed and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

4 eggs + 32 million sperm

better = 1 (maybe 2) healthy baby(ies). IUI#2 was this morning. I was awake all night worried that I had already ovulated and we would be too late, but u/s this morning showed all 4 follies still there. My RE said they should start releasing within an hour or 2 and about 45 minutes later I started feeling some very intense pains in my right ovary. They are still coming and going. He told me this was normal and was glad I was in pain because it meant the follies were nice and ripe. The RE was very happy with J's sample and went on and on about how great it was. Men! Post wash we had 32 million swimmers with an 80% motility. I have to go back in the morning for another u/s to make sure the follies released. I am glad my RE is so thorough, but getting up at 5:30 and making the 45 minute drive there to be there by 7:30 so I can be first in line and make it to work semi on time is killing me! I am so not a morning person. Hopefully it will all be worth it in about 2 weeks. I noticed this morning that my VIP Fertility Friend membership is up in 14 days. I am taking that as a sign.

IUI#2 is set for Sunday

This morning my follies measured 18, 17.5, 17 and 16.5mms and my lining jumped from 6.2mm to 10.2mm (last cycle at this point it was 5.8). I am very happy with those numbers, even if 4 follies is kind of scary. I am definitely feeling them. My right ovary feels very heavy and I get sharp pains every now and then. RE said this is perfectly normal and that things look much better than last IUI cycle where I only had one good follie and a crappy lining. I really hope this works!

CD 12 Ultrasound

Still not quite ready to trigger. Follies measure 16.5mm, 14.5mm and 2 at 13mm. Lining is at 6.4mm. RE wants to me stim tonight and go back in the morning for another u/s to see how things look. I also started my Estrace today. I was unaware that its not an oral pill :/ Fingers crossed I can trigger tomorrow and have the IUI Sunday. I am tired of being a pin cushion!

CD 10 Ultrasound

I had my CD10 ultrasound this morning. I have 4 follies on the right: 14.5mm, 12.5mm, 12.5mm and 11mm. I have zero follies on the left. I am pretty happy with that. Its better than what I had last IUI cycle and they are close to the same size, whereas last cycle I had one big one and a few small ones. I forgot to ask for my lining measurement. The RE was in surgery so I met with the nurse. She said it looks like I will do 2 more nights of shots (which is good since I only have 2 more vials of menopur left). I go back Thursday morning and I will hopefully get the go ahead to trigger.

Bathroom: Semi finished

All thats left is to tile the floor, but we decided to wait until the fall for that.

CD9

and I am feeling pretty crappy. I have been doing the follistim and menopur for 3 days now. The Menopur BURNS and also leaves my tummy extremely sore. I seriously don't feel anything going on in my ovaries so that worries me. I go in the morning for an u/s so I am praying there are a few good follies growing in there. I should also start my Estrace tomorrow. Not looking forward to the bloating, boob pain and weepiness that comes along with it. And if I do in fact get pregnant I will be on it for the awhile. I just want to get pregnant and move on the the next phase of my life. This one has lasted long enough.

Meds are here

All these meds are pretty daunting! I have follistim, menopur, novarel, estrace, clomid, plus pens, needles, syringes, and enough alcohol pads, gauze and bandaids to start a drug store. I took my first Clomid pill this morning and had a headache within an hour. So much for the lower dose having less side effects. I decided to try the Clomid in the morning this time, because the past 2 cycles I took it at night I could not sleep. So I guess my choices are: headache all day or no sleep. Did I mention Clomid is the devil?

Cycle #25

is going to be a doosey. I started my period yesterday afternoon. I called the RE this morning expecting them to tell me to come in on CD3. Well to my surprise they asked me to come in today since the RE will be in surgery the next 2 days and we needed to discuss my protocol. I had an u/s and it showed 5 antral follies on my right ovary and 4 on the left. This is the most I have ever had so that makes me happy. I voiced my concern over my thin lining and the RE agreed that it has not been great so he changed my protocol to work on that. He reduced my Clomid form 100 mgs to 50 mgs and added Estrace. He also reduced my Follistim from 100 ius to 75 ius and added Menopur. Since the Follistim is FSH and the Menopur is LH we are attacking my ovaries from 2 angles. I hope all this works because it is costing a fortune! I have been warned that the Menopur burns and it also has to be mixed. I am now terrified of it. I know the follistim is a breeze so I hope I get the hang of the Menopur too. My poor belly :( So I start the Clomid tomorrow. I am praying that since I am on a lower dose the side effects will be less. I can dream can't I?

Bathroom Remodel: Before

We started working on the master bathroom remodel this weekend. The original plan was to completely gut it and start over, but all of the money we had allotted for it has gone to IF treatments, so we decided to do a budget remodel since we will most likely be either selling the house to buy a bigger place soon or refinancing to get money for IVF. Here are the before pics:





I hope to update with after pics soon, but this is taking a lot longer than we had planned. So far we have sanded the walls (the people before us were terrible painters and there was so many runs), primed and painted. We also changed the light fixtures and painted the ceiling and put up a new wooden blind since the cats destroyed the old vinyl one. Still left to do: Change faucets, paint trim and cabinets and tile the floor.

ETA: Here are some "in progress" pics:

My new baby

I got her at my favorite store on earth. The Coach Outlet. I love her.

Back from Vacation

and it was certainly nice to have a break from everything: TTC, diet, work, etc., But now its back to the real world. I believe I am 7 dpo (although FF did not give me crosshairs before we left for vacation and I did not take my thermometer with me) which would put CD 1 in a week. I am ready to start treatments again. I feel like I am just treading water right now and it sucks. Thats about it. Nothing is going on in uteville right now. I hate all this waiting.

Not so bad after all

I am kind of glad I am on this forced break now. We were not planning to go on a vacation this year. All of our friends are going to Myrtle Beach for Mustang Week in a week and a half and we decided not to go because we assumed I would be in a treatment cycle and would be miserable. But since that is not the case we changed our minds and we are now going. I am so excited. We have a free place to stay (a friend's sister has a place there and is letting a group of us stay there for free!)and its only a 4 hour drive so why the hell not. I so need this vacation. Since I am not in a treatment cycle and there is absolutely no way i can get knocked up without drugs, I plan to ride water slides, roller coasters and drink as much as I want guilt free! Its going to be awesome! Now I just have to lose 10 lbs and get a tan before we leave next Wednesday...

Cycle 24 = Forced Break

I called this morning to set up my CD3 appointment and the bitchy receptionist said that they were not cycling me this month and was about to hang up (Have I mentioned before I hate her?, I absolutely love everyone else there, but I HATE the receptionist, she sucks so bad I wonder if she is a relative of the Dr. so he can't fire her) I was like no one told me that and she said she would have Beth (My favorite nurse) call me back. So Beth called me back and explained to me that they only like to do 2 medicated cycles in a row then take a break cycle to get everything back to baseline and then reevaluate and start again. They were happy with the way I responded to the Clomid + Follistim and we will probably do that again. She also said they like to do 3 IUIs then discuss IVF. Eeeek! The fact that we have 2 more shots then have to do IVF scares the shit out of me. We need to start getting out finances in order pronto so we can get an equity line on our house. I am really bummed about being forced to take a break. IF sucks.

Looks like its on to IUI#2

Huge temp drop and BFN this morning and cramps. So I am calling it. Based on temps I am 13dpo so my period should be here later today or preferably tomorrow so I can call on Monday to set up a CD3 appointment. This sucks. I go into another round of fertility drugs kicking and screaming. I think this time my lining was too thin. It was only at 6.4mm on my CD12 u/s. I am going to ask about this at my appointment. Maybe its time to ditch the Clomid altogether and go to just injects. I am trying to remain positive. It was just my first IUI and most people have multiple ones before it works, but I just feel so defeated. We are going to a cookout later so I plan to drink. a.lot.

12dpt (10dpo)

And i think the trigger is finally almost gone. I tested this morning and there is a second line, but its so so faint it really hard to see. So no more testing until Sunday or Monday, which is good because I am out of cheapies and I refuse to waste FRER's. I have a weekend of reading planned and a cookout on Saturday, so I should be able to stop obsessing for a few days.

I just cannot picture it

No matter how hard I try, I just can't picture myself begin pregnant. I can't see the belly. I can't imagine having one. I used to could, but now it just seems impossible. I am trying to be positive, I really am, but I just can't picture it. Its frustrating. I am 10dp trigger and still testing positive. I don't know what to think about that. One part of me is saying that the trigger should be gone by now and the other (sane) part is saying its way too early for a + hpt so it is definitely still trigger. Ugh.

Well that sucked and other things

We went to a wedding last night. Not only was there a newborn and about 1000 pregnant women, we got a pregnancy announcement from some friends. I knew as soon as I saw her and she is only 6 weeks. She is not showing at all, but I just have this built in radar now. I am so tired of pretending I am happy for people. I am not happy. I am bitter and angry. I didn't want to go to the reception, but one of J's friends was in town and he hasn't seen him in like a year so I sucked it up and went. I am glad I did because they had an Italian food buffet: Spaghetti and meatballs, Lasagna, Chicken Parmesan and garlic bread. Best wedding food EVER. So I drowned my sorrows in lasagna. There was an open bar and I wanted to drink so bad, but then my crazy would be freaked out for the next week that I messed something up. So I limited it to the one glass of champagne for the toast.

In other news I am 8dp trigger and still testing positive with a pretty prominent second line. It has not gotten any lighter in the past 3 days. Its possibly darker. I am not under any illusion that it could be a real BFP, because I am only 6dpo. It just seems that my body is holding on the the HCG like a champ. It finally got some and is not letting it go.

Also I was nominated by Kristi for the Sisterhood Award. Thanks Kristi! I means a lot to know that people actually read this and care.



I can't for the life of me figure out how to link blogs so I will just say that all my girls, and you know who you are, are my Sisterhood Award recipients. I don't know how I would be surviving this journey without you.

RIP MJ

The world has lost one of the greatest entertainers to ever live.

1dpIUI u/s

So I had to go in for another u/s this morning to make sure the follies released. They were gone! So I ovulated sometime after the IUI yesterday. So I am now feeling hopeful that things were timed correctly. Still no idea why my temp spiked before I actually ovulated. Its a mystery. Maybe a slight fever? My temp throughout the day yesterday seemed slightly elevated than normal. It hung around the low to mid 99's and I am usually a low to mid 98's girl. Or it could have just been a fluke. My RE does not seem so concerned about it since we confirmed O day with u/s. Can't get much more definite than that. So now we wait.

IUI #1 Done

and I am feeling pretty conflicted. My temp spiked this morning so I was sure I had already ovulated and the IUI would be too late, but the RE didn't seem concerned and said that it was fine that I probably ovulated during the night and the nurse said "that just means it will be a boy" Josh was like "wha?" and the RE explained that boy sperm swim faster but female sperm live longer, but he said he has seen just as many girls as boys from IUIs after ovulation. After the IUI, he did an u/s which showed all three follies still there, so even though my temp spiked, I had not ovulated yet.I asked why my temp had spiked and he just said my body works differently than most. Great. I was feeling some ovulation pain and the RE said that was good and meant I would be ovulating soon. I go back tomorrow for another u/s to make sure the eggs released. I had 3 follies, 23 mm, 19 mm and 16 mm, although the RE was not so sure the smaller one would be mature. We had god sperm numbers. 136 mil pre wash and 28 mil post wash with 70% rapid forward movers. The nurse said those numbers were great. I have had some serious ovulation pains this afternoon. They are starting to subside so I hope I have ovulated. The temp thing is bothering me. I wonder if it is just a fluke or if our timing has been off for 2 years. I also wonder if it is a problem. I did take my temp a few times today and it was alot higher than usual making me wonder if I have a fever even though I don't feel sick except for the ovulation pains. I have no idea if I should be hopeful or not.

Sun, Sand and trigger shots, oh my

I am triggered for IUI #1! I went to the beach yesterday with my mom, my sister and my niece and nephew. The kids had a blast, but it was so so hot. My car said it was 107! My sister gave me the trigger shot in the parking lot at the beach. It was not bad at all. I didn't even feel it. I was worried since it was an IM shot and the needle was huge! My new freak out is that my RE's office had me trigger at 4pm yesterday and my IUI is Monday at 9am, so 41 hours after trigger. I have always heard of them being 36 hours after trigger. But if the egg lives for 12-24 hours, and the sperm are deposited right at the egg, there should still be plenty of time for them to fertilize it right? This better work!

Looks like IUI #1 will be on Monday!

Eeek! I can't believe we actually made it this far. I had a 18mm follie and 2 15mm follies this morning. I do one more shot of Follistim tonight and trigger tomorrow afternoon. Eeeek!

I am kind of disappointed that there is really only one good follie with all the meds I have taken, but then again I am not ready for HOM so I guess its better this way and its still possible the 15mms could catch up. I am also nervous about the trigger because I am going to the beach tomorrow with my mom and sister and will have to have my sister give me the shot on the way home. My mom was laughing because she said "You can tell your child it was conceived in a McDonalds bathroom." Not exactly the way it works, mom, but whatever.

I am just waiting on a call about my blood work. Hopefully my E2 levels are still good. If they drop I think I may just lose it.

** Just got the call. IUI is on for 9am Monday!

CD 10 appointment

I had my date with the dildo cam this morning. Things are progressing. I had one 17mm follie, a 15mm and a few 10-12ish mm ones. My lining was 5.5mm. RE didn't say anything about it but from what I have seen on the internets thats not too great, but it still has time I think. It was triple stripe, the nurse showed me last time how to tell and so I looked today. I do another Follistim shot tonight and most likely go back tomorrow for another u/s, pending my blood work looks good. So crossing my fingers my E2 is high enough this time.

I thought was doing so good

I only had mild side effects from the Clomid, until today. I have a Clomid headache from hell. The Follistim is also kicking my butt because since starting it I cannot sleep. I had read insomnia was a side effect and boy were they right. I have had about 4 hours of sleep in the past two nights and the night sweats are awful. I keep waking up so hot and covered in sweat every hour or so and it takes me over an hour to cool down enough to go back to sleep. This is with the a/c down to 72, 2 fans and 2 ice packs. Note for the future: No more Clomid in the summer in SC. I am so going to walmart at lunch and finding something to keep me cool tonight even if its a kiddie pool full of ice.

First Follistm shot done

and man did it hurt. I am such a baby when it comes to needles. J had to do it for me. I was going to do it myself, but there is no way I could. I just stood there holding it about to burst into tears. I am seriously scared to death of the IM trigger shot (if we ever make it that far).

Some Pics

First the obligatory meds pic. Here is my Follistim that just arrived:



This kinda scares me. There are so many parts. Its not just sucking it up in a syringe and injecting it. It looks way complicated.

Second here is a pic of the cake I made for my niece and nephew's birthday party:



It could have been better. But it was my first 3 tiered cake so I am pretty proud of it. I covered it in butter cream instead of fondant because I don't like the taste of fondant.

And lastly here is my little Shadow Kitty aka Nom Kitteh (He tired to nom the Follistim and I had to chase him away)

CD3 Appointment

Today's CD3 appointment went as planned. Still low AFC. I had 3 follicles on each ovary. I should have at least 8-9 on each. RE explained why last cycle was canceled. My E2 went down instead of up and the follicles were just not growing enough and were also not shaped right. He is amazed that I have "perfect" 28ish day cycles and that I am ovulating at all. My blood work shows my ovaries are not working, however my charts so that they are. Hmmmmm. Also he feels the egg quality has been poor. So the plan this cycle is to kick my ovaries in gear. We are doing 100mgs of Clomid CD3-7 and 100ius of Follistim CD6-9. Then I go back for a progress check and go from there. He said there is still the possibility of cancelling the cycle, but he would rather understim than overstim. So its kind of a trail and error to see what works, but at least we are making progress.

In great news for the day: I went to check out expecting to write a check for $1200 for the cycle. Turns out insurance covered most of last cycle and since I paid for it in advance I had a huge credit so I only had to write a check for $250. Sweet! I am not going to question it. I am just going to go with it and pray they continue to cover.

I am just waiting on the pharmacy to call to schedule delivery of my follistim for tomorrow and we are truckin'.

Here we go again

My CD 3 appointment is scheduled for Thursday and I assume I will also start my clomid then. Yay more hot flashes. I am also supposed to do injects and will find out then which ones I am doing. I so hope I have more than 3 antral follicles this time. RE said I should have at least 6 so I am praying for 6. Come on ovaries. You have ONE job, do it dammit!

Waiting

Huge temp drop this morning so I know my period will start today and I an okay with that. I knew this cycle didn't have a shot, my eggs and lining sucked. So now I wait for my period to start so I can set up my CD3 appointment. I am hoping it does not show up until this afternoon because then my RE's office will count tomorrow as CD1 and my CD3 appointment will be Thursday. If it starts early today and today is CD1 my CD3 appointment will be Wednesday and my RE has surgery on Wednesdays so I will see the nurse for my u/s and the RE will call me later to discuss things. I would so much rather see the RE since I have so many questions about starting injects. So fingers crossed my period holds out for a few more hours, but the intense cramping is not a good sign.

**update ...and it showed. I can't believe it actually listened. So I am just waiting for a call back to schedule my CD3 appointment.

Depression

I am just feeling very depressed lately. I have no faith that next cycle with injectables will work. I can't even picture myself pregnant anymore. I used to could picture the belly and what our child will look like, but I can't "see" those things anymore. J is getting frustrated with me because I am planning for multiple injectable/IUI cycles. He keeps saying we won't have to do 4 or 5 of them, but in my mind we will and all will fail and we will be broke and still childless. So he then asks me why we are going to do it at all if I am so sure it won't work and I don't really have a good answer. Its just the next logical step. We are not going to get pregnant on our own so we have to do something, even though I have no faith in it actually working. I know I am not making any sense, but I am just so lost right now. I am just going through the motions in my life. I get up, go to work, force myself to go to the gym, eat dinner, watch tv and go to bed. I have no passion for anything anymore. I have no drive to do anything. We haven't been out with friend for months now. I just can't. My BFF from elementary school-high school sent me a message on Facebook about a week ago asking how we are doing and I can't even bring myself to respond. She has 2 beautiful kids that she got pregnant with on her first try both times and seeing her and the kids just hurts too much. Besides what am I going to say? "Life sucks" "I am doing crappy" "I hate everything"? So i just haven't responded. I don't want to get into IF treatments with her because she is one of those that will say "God has a plan for you" "Relax" etc. and I may just lose it. Work is also suffering. I have screwed up so much stuff lately because I am just in a fog. My brain is not functioning normally. I can't think straight anymore. My entire mind is consumed by my infertility and I don't know how to change that.

Why does the universe hate me?

Today was a crap day. One of my coworkers that I am close with has an 11 month old. She has been planning her first birthday party for months now and has to run every detail by me. Today she was in hyper drive about it and was in my office every 15 minutes to discuss it. I can't even pretend to be interested anymore. Then the emails started about planning a baby shower for another pregnant coworker. This is the girl that likes to brag that it only took her two weeks to get knocked up. So all day I was cced on emails about this shower in between party planning hell. I may never get to have a baby shower of my own or plan my child's first birthday party so these things kill me. I wanted to close my door and shut down my email. I was actually excited to get out of work and go to the gym where I thought I would be away from baby talk, but of course not. I was stalked at the gym by a very pregnant woman. Every time I would get on a machine, she would get on the one right in front of me and in between reps she would rub her belly and point out kicks to her friend. And to top it off she is like 7 months pregnant and weighs less than me. Then on the way home from the gym the DJ starts talking about all the pregnant celebrities. I am convinced its a conspiracy to drive me completely insane. I should go ahead and order my straight jacket because I am going to need it sooner rather than later.

1 dpo?

I think? Maybe? Hopefully? I had a positive OPK on Sunday morning followed by excruciating pain in my right side (the side with the 2 biggest follies), intense back cramps and horrible bloating. I always get back cramps with ovulation but these were way worse than ever. Thanks Clomid. Things were pretty quite in ovary town yesterday and huge temp jump this morning, although since Clomid f'ed up my temps this cycle, its hard to tell if it was real or not, but based on the +OPK and the pain I am assuming it was finally ovulation. I am not hopeful at all this cycle since the RE didn't think it was worth doing an IUI based on my hormone levels and follicle size, and my CM sucked more than usual, but I am sure some stupid hope will creep in later on.

UGH!

I thought I ovulated Wednesday. Huge temp jump and CM dried up, temp went down yesterday, but FF still gave me cross hairs if today's temp was as high, but then last night EWCM and this morning temp went down again. Ugh! I though I had ovulated and this cycle would soon be over so we could move on, but nope, my body can't make it that easy. At least I now have some definite ovulation signs so maybe I will ovulate this weekend. We are still going to have sex and pray for a miracle, but since the RE thought it would be a waste to do an IUI, its a long shot. At least its a long weekend and we have some plans. If its not raining we are going to the lake tomorrow and Monday is my nephews 6th birthday so we are having a BBQ. Its not his actual birthday party, that will be next weekend with his sister's and they will get their trampoline then. I am making cupcakes with worms coming out of them for Zach and he is so excited. Boys. Thats about it. Not too much going on.

IUI #1 = Canceled

I had my CD12 ultrasound today and the follies didn't grow much from Monday and I think my lining decreased. I got a call from the RE saying that my blood work results came back and my hormone levels decreased and that the cycle was canceled. I am just at a loss. This sucks so much. He said that although I have been having "perfect" 28 day cycles, my ovulation is not good. So it looks like the plan for next cycle is Clomid plus injectables. We have enough in savings for probably one shot with injectables, but draining our savings and it not working scares the shit out of me. I have been crying all afternoon. I just don't get it. Why me? Why does my body suck? I am hating life right now.

Slow and Steady

Slow and steady wins the race right? I had my CD10 ultrasound today and there were 5 follies, but they were all pretty small:8mm, 9mm, 10mm, 12.5mm and 14mm. My lining was 6.4mm. The RE said that we were progressing, but slowly. I go back Wednesday for another ultrasound. I was surprised that there were 5, since my CD3 ultrasound only showed 3. I have been told that the follies can grow up to 2mm a day and the lining 1mm a day so by Wednesday I hope the 14mm follie is up to 18mm and my lining is 8mm and I can trigger Wednesday night for an IUI on Friday, but thats wishful thinking. I will just sit back and wait for things to grow in there. I would love to have 2 good follies for the IUI.

Clomid Day 5

I took my last dose of Clomid last night. OMG why is it so hot? The heat is unbearable. I feel like I am going to burst into flames.

Clomid Day 4

Hot flashes - check; Headache - check; Mood swings - check; Exhaustion - check. Thank God tonight is the last dose, although I have heard the side effects linger on.

Sisterhood Award

I have been nominated for the Sisterhood Award by Osuraj and T.Bird. I feel all special and loved!




Here are the guidelines for this award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate the following people:

JenL
mmariluh
Buena
PMarie
MainerinTexas


Ok thats only 5...

***I fail at linking the blogs. I really did try though. :(

Clomid Day 3

I am feeling much better today. The headache went away about mid-day yesterday after I took one extra strength Tylenol. I am still having hot flashes, but its manageable. I think I had my first mood swing last night. I was laying in bed and just felt like crying. I was not sad or anything, just had an overwhelming urge to cry. I took some deep breaths and was able to stop myself. It was just such a weird feeling. I do feel the start of a headache coming on again, so I guess I should take another Tylenol. I know its okay to take, but I just worry about taking anything extra.

My trigger shot is supposed to arrive today before 1:30. Its 1:00 now and still no shot so hopefully it will be here soon, it will be one less thing to worry about.

**Trigger shot arrived. This feels real now. eeeek!

Clomid Day 2

OMG Clomid is kicking my ass. I have a terrible headache. One minute I am burning up and the next I am freezing. I am exhausted and nauseous if I let myself get hungry. Hopefully all the side effects mean its working and there are some good follicles growing in there. All I need is one good one.

I am strangely positive about this cycle. I just feel like its going to work. I probably won't be saying this next week, but for now I will let myself feel positive. Not hopeful, but positive.

Clomid Day 1

I took my first pills last night at about 7:45. So far so good. I turned the a/c down and slept in shorts to try to ward off hot flashes and it seemed to work. I do have a slight headache today, but it could also be allergies. I found this during my Clomid research today: The chances of a multiple birth (twins) increases 40 times while taking Clomid. I don't know how reliable the source is though, but its kind of scary to think about. While J and I would both love twins, twin pregnancies are difficult and two babies at once is overwhelming. But if by some miracle this IUI works and I do get pregnant with twins, I will be overjoyed. Still one baby is the ideal for me. More freakouts to come...

**Update: My head is throbbing. Its going to be a long few days.

I have a plan (and new things to freak out about)

So my RE appointment today was pretty eventful. I had my first encounter with the dildo cam. I do not like the dildo cam. Its very uncomfortable. Dr. S only saw 3-4 antral follicles. He said a woman my age should have 6-7. Dr. Google says I should have like 12-20 and I should just give up my hopes of ever getting pregnant without donor eggs, but my RE did no seem so concerned so I will believe in him and ignore the asshat called Google. I also had some blood drawn and now my arm is pretty sore. My cervix looked great. I am relieved at that because I am always worried about the infection returning and screwing up my tubes again. So I walked out of the RE's office $1100 poorer and with a script for Clomid and a trigger shot. I picked up my Clomid at Target ($18) and am waiting on a call from New Jersey about my trigger. I start the Clomid tonight. 100 mgs from CD3-5. I go in for another u/s on CD10 and I guess we will go from there as to when to trigger and do the IUI. I didn't even bring it up. Dr. S said he felt it would be very important to do an IUI. I was glad, because I was in no mood at this point to argue. I am excited and scared shitless all at the same time. This just has to work.

RE Appt Scheduled

for Monday at 8:00. Hopefully we can get this show on the road and start an IUI cycle. I am worried the RE still won't want to do it yet and will send us off again to try on our own for 3 more cycles. If this is the case I am going to begin researching REs again, even though this one is supposed to be the best around. I am trying not to think about the appointment because it makes me nervous and depressed. I have been crying all day. I even started bawling while I was on hold with the RE's office listening to the messages about IF and how it effects you. God, I just want all this to be over. I need to busy myself this weekend so I don't have time to go through all the possible outcomes of Monday's appointment in my head and freak out about it. I am determined to come out of there with a better plan than try for 3 more cycles, which seems to be my RE's motto. I know he wants to give us a chance to conceive on our own, but to me I don't care anymore where or how my baby is conceived and long as it is conceived soon.

Defeated

Defeated thats how I am feeling today. I feel beat down and just don't want to go on. I am even having second thoughts about moving on to IUI, because what if it does not work? I assume the disappointment will be even greater and I honestly don't know if I can handle it. I am at my wits end right now. I am just sitting around waiting on my period to start and with the huge temp drop and the cramps it will be today, but I am worried it won't be until after the RE's office closes and I won't be able to call until Monday, possible jeopardizing a medicated IUI. Its all so overwhelming and unfair. I look at everyone around me who gets pregnant with no problems and it really angers me. What did I ever do to deserve this? The only thing I have ever wanted out of life seems so unattainable.

FMU=BFN

I'm over it.

BFN

So i broke down and tested after work today. BFN of course, but i didn't do a 4 hour hold and I don't remember the last time I drank something. Could have been like 2 hours. Oh well, at least I got it out of my system.

Staring at my chart

I have been staring at my chart all morning like its going to tell me the answers. Stupid chart. It does look good. Like really good. Like better than most of my other charts, but I always have pretty charts until the end, so I can't put much faith in it. Also my boobs hurt. Like really hurt. Like hurt way worse than ever. But it could be from chest presses from my Body Pump class. (Even though in 2 years they have not made my boobs hurt this bad). I don't want to test until Sunday. I actually don't have any desire to test. at.all. I know what the answer is going to be, so I would rather hold onto hope a little longer. I know its stupid to want to prolong the inevitable, but oh well. Thats how I am feeling today. Tomorrow may be different, but I expect a temp drop tomorrow so that will take away any lingering hope.

Stupid Freaking Hope

I hate her so so much. I took my temp this morning and there was a nice increase despite waking up freezing. I was up several times to pee so I am taking that for what its worth, which is not much. My right boob is not as sore as it was yesterday, it usually gets sorer and sorer until my period shows. In fact I know the day my period is going to show because I wake up and its no longer sore. Honestly, the soreness of my right boob means nothing I am sure, but in my head it does. Also my left boob is a little sore to the touch. (I really need to stop feeling myself up!). Then the kicker. I went to the bathroom and noticed a little tiny brown streak in my underwear (in the front, not the back lol - gross) I wiped and there was a little more. I checked internally and nothing. No more since. I don't want to get my hopes up for implantation spotting because there was just the tiniest amount and it could have easily been from an irritated cervix. Grrr, its going to be a long week.

Today is a bad day

I am feeling hopeless today. I feel like I will never get pregnant. I feel like giving up, yet I know that can't happen because until I hold my baby in my arms I am going to feel empty and incomplete. I am also freaking out about next cycle because I really want to do a medicated IUI. I finally have J on board with it, but now my worry is that my period is due next Saturday. I won't be able to call the RE until Monday and I am freaking out that that will be too late to start a cycle because I will have to get in to see the RE and get the protocol and my script for whatever drug we decide on and then get it filled somewhere and I am scared that no pharmacy in this podunk town will have it. I know I should not be worrying about these things now, but I have to worry about something. I am also worried my RE will continue his non aggressive thinking and try to discourage me from doing IUI yet in which case I will have to research new REs and get a new consult appointment, which could take several more months. I want this all to go away. I am at the end of my rope.

7dpo

and I am pretty sure this cycle is a bust too. The bottom of my right boob is sore, just like every cycle at 7 dpo. So I am taking that as a sign its over for this cycle and for making a baby the "old fashioned way". IF can bit me.

I hate Facebook

Seriously! I have no idea why I even signed up. Every time I am in a pretty good mood it never fails that I get a friend request from someone from high school. Instead of just accepting or ignoring these requests I feel compelled to click on their profiles and always they have one or more adorable kids and I am left feeling like shit again. Such is my life.

My experiment worked

Before I entered TTC hell I was the skinniest I have ever been. I was eating like a pig, but taking a class at the gym called Body Pump religiously. Its basically an hour of squats, lunges, bicep curls etc. On WW I was only losing 5.-1 lb a week and was starving all the time. I love food and it sucked and I was grumpy all the time. So I decided to start back taking the class and eat what I wanted (within reason). I lost 1 lb this week, which is pretty good considering we ate out Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights and I had ice cream almost every night. I also only did the class Monday and Wednesday. I planned on Friday too, but friends wanted to go have Mexican food and I couldn't turn that down could I? This week I plan on class Monday, Wednesday and Friday and 30 Day Shred Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Saturday I will go to the gym for cardio. Pretty ambitious, but hopefully I will force myself to do it.

On the TTC front, I am pretty sure I ovulated on Saturday even though FF says Thursday, but we all know FF smokes a lot of crack. I think it will change it to Saturday when I enter in tomorrow's temp. I ovulated a little earlier than usual so we were not overly tired of sex and had not had too much so hopefully that means good things. Now for the 2ww. UGH!

I am trying to stay positive

I am really trying to stay positive this cycle, but I am failing miserably. My RE was positive I would get pregnant within the first 3 cycles following the lap. I am trying to trust that he is the doctor and therefore knows what he is talking about and has seen these situations hundreds of times. This is the 3rd cycle post lap, therefore I should get pregnant this cycle, right? The doctor knows best, right? I keep telling myself this, but I don't believe it. I had another breakdown this morning. This is just so unfair. What did I ever do to deserve infertility? What scares me the most is moving onto IUI next cycle and it not working. Then what? IVF, what if that does not work either? What if I can never get pregnant? I know I should not think about all the what ifs, but I can't help it. I am just a negative person, I always have been and infertility is making it 100 times worse. I just want my life back.

CD 1

again...for the 21st time...my cycles are now old enough to drink...I am taking that as a hint.

WW and other crap

Starting Weight: 143 lbs
Previous Weight: 142.5 lbs
Current Weight: 140.5
Change: -2 lb
Total Weight loss: 2.5 lbs

Somehow I managed to lose 2 lbs this week even though I went over on my points. I ate all my daily points, all my bonus points, all my activity points and went over. I don't know how much I went over because I didn't count at all yesterday. 2 Easter dinners took its toll. I am back on track starting today.

Huge temp drop this morning so my period will be here any minute marking the last cycle we get to try on our own. If this one fails its on to medicated IUI. I am going to try to remain positive this cycle. I am ordering a case of preseed since I am convinced its my crappy cm thats the culprit now that the tubes are clear and the endo is gone. I could be way off, but its something to focus on.

Feeling down today

I was awakened to the phone ringing this morning (which always freaks me out since this was the way I learned my grandfather had passed away and with an elderly grandmother I kinda hate to hear the phone ring) Well this time it was my mom. She called to tell me that my cousin's wife gave birth to a baby boy this morning. A baby she got pregnant with like the same day she told me she didn't want kids for a couple more years. A baby she got pregnant with a year after I started TTC. It hit me hard. Its just so unfair.

Yesterday we went to the Master's. At the end of the day we went to the gift shop. One of the guys we were with has a pregnant wife and he was buying the cutest pink baby things. It just broke my heart.

I am 9 dpo today and I am 100% sure this cycle didn't work either. Which leaves one more of the 3 the RE said to try on our own, then I am demanding an IUI since I am pretty certain its my cervix/CM that is the issue. If the RE says no this time I am getting a second opinion. I am just so done.

WW and other things

Starting Weight: 143 lbs
Previous Weight: 141.5 lbs
Current Weight: 142.5
Change: +1 lb
Total Weight loss: 0.5 lbs

Stupid WW. I stayed within my points and gained a pound. WTF? I starved myself all week and this is the reward I get? Grrrrrrr.

In other news, we are going to the Masters tomorrow. I have never been before so I a pretty excited. I really hope to see Tiger Woods. I will be so disappointed if I don't see him. The downside is I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn because the people we are going with want to get there when the gates open. I am also mad because its going to be windy and freezing tomorrow, its Spring WTF? So now I can't wear the outfit I bought and have to find something else. Grrrrrrrr.

Fashion

I have noticed that I feel better and less depressed on the days I dress nicer, so I have decided to stop throwing on the first thing I grab out of the closet in the mornings and actually put more effort into it like I did pre-TTC depression. So today I am wearing some tan capris (from last year, I was shocked that they still fit) and a black top with a black cardigan, a cute black beaded necklace and black wedges. I actually feel pretty good today. I think I may go to the mall this weekend and get a few cute accessories and maybe a pair of capris or 2. I also found these adorable little jackets at a store in the mall. I bought a black one a couple of weeks ago. I think they have it in white and tan too, so I may splurge and get another one. Maybe even some new shoes. I feel better already.

1dpo

Here we go again. So not feeling it. I am in a really pissy mood today. I envision punching everything I see. To make matters worse my clueless coworker keeps coming in my office to talk about her 8 month old. I completely ignore her but she so is not getting the hint. I don't want to be mean because she can make my life a living hell. ::sigh::

WW and other updates

Starting Weight: 143 lbs
Current Weight: 141.5 lbs
Total Weight loss: 1.5 lbs

So I lost 1.5 lbs. I am kind of disappointed with that. I was really good. I ate all my daily points and all my weekly bonus points, but I didn't even touch the 14 activity points I earned. I did have Mexican food 2x this week, so I guess I need to be better about that, but it wasn't my fault.

On the TTC front, I should be ovulating today. Our timing has been perfect, but it always is so that means squat. I do have way more EWCM that I ever had, so I guess all the supplements I have been taking have had some effect. I am not hopeful. I am just kind of numb.

Struggling to stay afloat

Why do people find it necessary to brag about how easy it was for them to get pregnant. Case in point: We had a seminar for work yesterday and then went out to lunch afterward. My coworker is pregnant so of course the conversation turned to pregnancy. One woman said her daughter got married in November and is due in October, to which the pregnant coworker replied, "It only took me 2 weeks" Then everyone at the table jumped in with how easy it was for them to get pregnant. I sat there feeling like a freak of nature and trying to keep the attention from turning to me, which of course it did. "So do you have any children?" To which I replied "No, No i don't" and turned my attention back to my food before anyone could ask when I planned to have some, because we all know I am not getting any younger. It was then that I wished I had ordered the chicken fingers and fries that I really wanted instead of the WW approved grilled chicken and broccoli. At least it would have been some comfort.

Dieting

I had a great weekend, but I ate and drank way too much, leading to the highest number I have ever seen on the scale. ::sigh:: So this morning I signed up for WW Online. Until now I had been doing it on my own and estimating points etc., but no weight was coming off, so I am doing this for real now. Paying for it is motivation to stick to it. Also I have noticed the more weight I gain, the later in my cycle I ovulate and the shorter my LP is. So maybe dropping 10 lbs will get my cycles back to where they where when we started- Ovulate on CD14 and a 14 day LP. It won't hurt to try it. I decided to use my CBEFM this cycle and I have taken a few temps, but I am going with the "If I happen to wake up at 7:00 I will temp" approach and have not set my alarm. My OCD need to see a chart :(, but I am not letting myself stress about it and I will try not to temp in the 2ww. We will see how that turns out.

Current weight: 142.5 lbs

On to Cycle #20

and I am taking it pretty hard. Even though its only been one cycle since I was "cleaned out" I had high hopes for it, even though I wouldn't admit it to myself. I don't think I am going to temp this cycle. Its starting to really stress me out to the point that I am not sleeping because I am so anxious about taking my temp. My RE always goes over my charts at the beginning of each appointment so I feel guilty not temping, but if I want to keep my sanity I need a break. I am also not buying more OPKs. I have 2 in the house I may pee on, but I refuse to get any more. I will still probably use my CBEFM so that I will know when I ovulate. I don't want the stress of wondering if I am late or not. I wish I could flip a switch in my brain so I don't think about TTC all the time, but every waking thought and most of my sleeping thoughts are about being pregnant. Its getting harder and harder to even leave the house anymore. I just want this to be over.

Horsies

We went to the races today dispite the cold and misty weather. The food was good, but we were all miserable and left after the second of 5 races. Here are some of the pictures J took.

I want one of these ityy bitty horsies:



How freaking cute are they?

I love this pic, she looks like she is dancing:



The prettiest horse. I want to order one in a mini version please:



Now we get to do this again next week. I just pray its warm and sunny, because everyone has to dress up. A strapless dress and heels will be miserable if its cold and rainy.

Temp drop this morning

Damn. Well at least I can drink at the races tomorrow and next weekend. ::fingers crossed for no rain::

Dizzy

So for the past 3 days I have been dizzy. Yesterday and the day before it was just if I stood up too fast or got too hungry, but today its been pretty constant. A few girls have said that dizziness was their first indication that they were pregnant. I really hope this is the case, but I am sure I will wake up in the next couple of days and have the flu or something.

I am also very sad its supposed to be cold and rainy on Saturday and I was looking forward to going to the horse races and eating junk food all day. :(

Feeling depressed again

I was pretty hopeful after my last RE appointment, but that has worn off and I am back in the "hate the world" mood. I feel hopeless and like this is never going to happen for us. J is very positive and even that is starting to piss me off. He says it WILL happen, but I tell him he can't know that. He said the other day he wants his wife back. I have really tired to act happy around him, but I just don't have the energy to pretend anymore. All I want to do is curl up in my chair with a video game or a book and forget the real world exists. I hate coming to work because a coworker is pregnant on her first try and all everyone does is squeel in the hallway and talk about baby stuff right outside my door. Another coworker has a 8 month old and comes in my office incessently to update me on what she did or what she ate or when she slept. She was even trying to get me to help plan her 1st birthday party. Her birthday is at the end of freaking June. I have to be nice to her because she covers for me when I have doctors appointments. I have no where to go to get away from baby stuff except said chair. I am so over all this. I seriously don't know how much more I can take. Also my pants are so tight I can't breathe.

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Its 80 degrees and sunny. I have all my windows open and the fresh air is wonderful. I just finished cleaning the house and J is outside washing the cars. I guess I should go out and help him and get a little sun. I love spring!

1dpo

Now we wait, again.

Weekend Update

I learned 2 things this weekend: 1) Grey Goose is way better then Smirnoff and 2) I am way too old for partying all weekend. J had a friend in town so we went out both Friday and Saturday nights. It was fun, but it further instilled in me the fact that I am ready to grow up!

We got our tax returns back so now the master bath remodel begins. I am so excited. I HATE my master bath. We are completely gutting it and starting over. I am also getting a TV installed over my whirlpool tub! I can't wait to get this project started and finished.

I finally got a peak on my CBEFM this morning. I say finally because I have had 7 days of highs. The most I have had in the past is 3 and its usually 2. So my theory is that removing the endo had an effect on my hormones. I can't find any info to back this up, but thats a big difference in number of highs.

I am feeling kind of crappy today. Headache, back cramps, etc. which means I will probaby ovulate today. Lets get this 2ww started :/

This sucks

I have had terrible headaches and sneezing for the past 3 days. I know its allergies, but I can't take anything because all the allergy meds dry up CM and I should be ovulating soon. Grrrrr. Why couldn't this hit at any other time of my cycle? Anyone got any remedies?

CD8

Its CD 8 and I got a High on my CBEFM this morning. This is way early. I am wondering if removing the endo caused an increase in estrogen or if I am just going to ovulate super early this cycle. I guess I just have to wait and see. I took an OPK at lunch and there was no test line at all and I usually have a fade in pattern, so who knows whats going on in there.

My new obsession

Pandora Charm Bracelet.

I have been wanting one for awhile now, but just haven't wanted to spend the extra money in hopes of needing it for an IUI this cycle. Since no IUI for at least 3 more months I decided to treat myself to a little something. I was feeling down yesterday so I went to the cute little gift shop across the street from work (I can tell this is not going to be good) and bought the bracelet and one charm for myself:



The Angel is called The Angel of Hope, so I thought she was appropriate.

Then last night J ordered me some more charms for Valentines Day. I got 2 clips which help to hold the charms on and then a really pretty Valentines-y bead.





I have already picked out my next charms. This is going to be bad. Each charm is fairly cheap $25-$35, with a few being a little more (the wedding cake I want for my anniversary), but when added up well....

Post-op Update

I had my post-op appointment with the RE yesterday. It went really well. I got there and had to fill out my paper work over again because the original paper work was expired, that kind of sucked. It was like a punch in the gut. But I filled it out and was called back pretty quickly only to wait in the room with no pants on for what seemed like forever. They were really busy. Then Dr. S finally came in. He showed me pictures of my insides. It was cool and gross all at the same time. He showed me 3 spots of endometriosis which he removed. He said my uterus and lining look "beautiful" and I should have no problems carrying a baby. He also said both of my tubes were completely blocked by mucous plugs due to the infection. He was able to completly unblock them. He seemed pretty confident that I will get pregnant within the next 3 months. I asked if there was anything we could do to increase our chances. He said he could do an IUI with fertility drugs, but he did not think it was necessary and didn't want us to waste the money. He said if I was 36 he would not hesitate to do an IUI, but since I am only 26 and everything is now "optimized" he does not think we need to do it. So the plan is to try on our own for 3 more months (exactly what I knew he was going to say and exactly what I did not want to hear). If I am not pregnant in 3 cycles we will move forward with IUI.

So honestly it seems I have never really had a shot at getting pregnant until this point. I had the cervicitis which was killing the sperm, once that was cleared up my tubes were completely blocked and of course the endo was always there. It makes me really sad to think that the past year and a half of TTC has been pointless without a real shot of it working.

Dr. S seemed so sure that I will be pregnant in 3 months that I am trying to be positive too. Its really hard for me to be positive because I don't want to get my hopes up, but I have to let myself trust that he is the doctor and he knows what he is talking about. So my goal for the next 3 cycles is to remain positive. Its really as if I am starting over at cycle 1, right?, since all of the other cycles had no shot at working. That's what I am telling myself anyway. Its a clean slate. I am going to wipe out all the depression and resentment and start fresh. (Well for today anyway).

Progress

So J and I had a discussion last night and he agreed to do an IUI if Dr.S thinks it will help our chances. So tomorrow I will bring it up. I am pretty nervous about the appointment tomorrow and I don't really know why. I always get so nervous about RE appointments. I need to sit down tonight and come up with a list of things I want to discuss so I don't forget them.

Valentines Day was great. We decided not to get presents for each other because of all of the doctor bills I have racked up. J made me the sweetest homemade card. I need to find a frame or something for it. We saw Confessions of a Shopaholic. Which was better than I was expecting. It deviated from the books quite a lot, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Overall I liked it. We then came home and had a homemade dinner of steak, crab legs, baked potatoes and corn. We used all of our WW bonus points on it, but it was worth it!

-2

I lost 2lbs yay! Today was the first time in months that I have gotten on the scale and it has not been the same or an increase. I have been doing WW for almost a week now. I have not really been exercising due to the surgery, but I am feeling much better now and am happy to get back into the gym.

Nothing going on on the TTC front. Waiting for this TTA cycle to end, which should be early next week. Its kind of nice not over analyzing every twinge. My follow up with the RE is on Monday. I am anxious to see what the next step will be although I am positive its going to be to try on our own for 3 more months. I like my RE, but he is not very aggressive. I may push for an IUI, but I will probably chicken out and J won't agree to it if the RE does not say its necessary. Ugh!

This about sums it up

Serenity

I am feeling pretty serene right now. The lap had the best possible outcome. There was something there, but something that was easily removed. The RE is confident that I will get pregnant so I am going to go with that. I am going to be more positive and believe that I WILL have a baby. I am feeling okay after the surgery. The worst part by far is the gas. If I sit up too long it settles in my chest and makes it hard to breathe, but if I lie down it goes away.

It looks like my post-op appointment will be either on CD1 or the day before so hopefully we can move forward with some sort of treatment next cycle. I am really hoping to do an IUI, but J is not so thrilled about that idea, but if Dr. S says that the best next step, he will go for it, so I am hoping Dr. S will suggest it. J wants to try a few more cycles on our own since now the scar tissue and endo are gone, but my fear is that the endo will grow back. I am going to try not to think about TTC so much for the next week and let myself relax a little. We will see how that goes.

I still have all my limbs

So I am done with my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. Besides the ravenous hunger from not being able to eat yesterday. It was not so bad. The worst part was the dry mouth and throat I have had since waking up in recovery. I seriously cannot get enough to drink. I drank 2 32 oz bottles of water on the way home and I have lost count of how much since I have been home. The gas in my chest and shoulders hurts too, but it seems to be getting better now.

Now for the results. I didn't get to talk to the doctor, but he talked with J. He found a some scar tissue and endo and was able to remove it all. So thats good. My tubes are all cleaned out. He also told J. that he will get us a baby. I asked J if he elaborated on how he would do that, but J said no. Hmmmm. Well at least he is confident that I can have a baby. I have had this terrible fear he would so I would never be able to have a baby because my baby making parts were too f'ed up.

My post-op is on Feb. 16, so I guess we will get the next steps then.

Major Freak out Alert

I had my pre-op appointment yesterday morning. J went with me. I am glad he wants to go to all my appointment with me.

First stop was the RE's office where I had to sign the consent forms. They are quite scary. They detail everything that could go wrong: death, permanent infertility, loss of a limb, risk of AIDS. Ugh, if I wasn't worried about surgery before, I sure am now. I know its standard procedure so they can protect themselves, but its still scary to see all the risks there in black and white. While I was signing my papers a nurse I have never seen before comes in. I think she must have been new. She was so excited because she had just assisted in her first ET and she was talking about how cool it was to "put the babies in". I thought it was cute. Also my forms said the surgery was for the treatment of PID and Chronic cervicitis. I knew about the cervicitis, but he has never mentioned PID. From my extensive googling PID is an STD. I don't have an STD and if I do J has some explaining to do. I have had paps annually since I was 18, how the hell was this not caught a treated in those 8 years? I am hoping the PID is on there for insurance purposes. Maybe to make them cover it? I have IF coverage so they would cover it anyway, but I don't know.

Next stop was the surgery center where I will have the surgery. I again had to sign the forms stating that I was aware I could die or lose a limb (seriously whats up with all the losing a limb business?) Then I had some blood drawn and was sent on my way.

On the way home I started freaking out about what ifs. What if my baby making parts are so f'ed up that he tells me I can never have a baby? What if he messes up during the surgery and I can never have a baby? What if I come out of surgery missing an arm? J would not hear all my "what ifs?" His response to all of them was "What if we get hit by a bus on the way home?" Ugh. Not helpful.

Last night we went shopping for bigger fat pants. Ugh not a pleasurable experience. We went to the big mall thats about an hour away. Leaving the mall you have to stop at a traffic light under a bridge. I have stopped at this light many, many times, but last night I started freaking out. I could hear the cars on the bridge above and just knew the bridge was going to collapse. I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack. Luckily the light changed and I told J he better get me out from under that bridge if it meant running the red light. I assume it was just an accumulation of stress. It was really scary. I have never felt like that before. Just thinking about it now is making me shake.

Now I need to go clean the house and go grocery shopping. I need to get some meals prepared for next week so J does not feed me Hardee's and KFC for 3 days. I may be fine to cook and all, but if the anesthesia and pain killers I had for my wisdom teeth removal is any indication I will be in la-la land for 3 days and probably should not go any where near a stove. I don't do so well with meds. Hell even tylenol makes me loopy.

Gained another pound

Seriously WTF?!?! I have been going to the gym 4-5 times a week for a month and have gained 2 lbs. I have not been eating that bad. This is depressing.

Lap & hysteroscopy scheduled

I scheduled my lap and hysteroscopy for February 4. I was hoping to do it next week so we did not lose a cycle, but no dice. So it looks like this will be a TTC break cycle since the surgeries are on CD 16 and I usually o on CD 14-16. A break may be a good thing though.