Northsidemom Muddling Through

                                                                                                       Saturday, September 24, 2011     I confess today I am feeling a little daunted by the task I have laid out and I am feeling a little sorry for myself , or perhaps angry,  that I have to take this walk.  I have been on this journey for a long time.  I have tried to come to terms with death and to stop being so mad at God.  It  has not been easy...

     I am sitting and listening to the rain outside.  My window is open and the breeze is cool.  It feels so nice.  Most people would probably find it chilly, but since I'm always warm, it feels really nice when the coolness reaches my skin.  It's been a quiet Sunday; I read the paper, cuddled up to my husband and took a nap while he watched the Bears lose.  My son is working hard on his homework.  In a little while Dana will make dinner and the three of us will watch the Emmys.  And tomorrow, the outside world invades again as another week starts.      This week was pretty good, I got dressed and went outside three times!  I know for those of you who leave your house everyday this is not a big deal; but I am not sure when the last week that I went out three times happened.  So here, in my world, that is kind of a big deal.  A good friend of mine is the Canon for Youth and Young Adult Ministry fo...

Random thought one:     So here I am, 6 years later.  I still think if I don't fall in the abyss, I'll be okay.  But here is what I finally figured out - I let go.  I have been falling through that dark abyss for 6 years and only now am I beginning to see light, to "see the stars" as a good friend of mine said.  I totally lost myself for 6 years-- that is a long time!  No wonder I don't know that woman in the mirror.  Yet she has not completely taken over; I can still see glimmers of me in her eyes.  So now I have to keep climbing out so when I look in the mirror I can see more of me and less of her. Not an easy task, but doable.  I have a lot of weight to lose and lots of walking to do to get my wind back.  I smoked for 27 years and never thought I could quit.  January will be 12 years I have been smoke free.  I can do this too, I just have to remember that it's one day, one step at a time. Random thought two: ...

Did you ever have something so traumatic happen to you that at the moment you are told, all you can feel is this huge abyss and you know if you take that step you will be lost forever?  It is a very strange sensation.  I experienced it once in my life, five and a half years ago.  I am still hanging on that edge – stuck. It played out just like you see on television.  A knock on the door, two plain clothes policemen asking if I knew a this person.  Every fiber in my in body suddenly went on alert knowing this was not going to be good.  They asked if he lived there, and I told them he did, that he was my brother.  They asked to come in, they met my husband, son, and other brother.  They suggested that my husband take my son, who was 10 years old, in the other room.  Then they asked some questions: when had we last seen Kirk, if we had a picture of him, and where his room was.  I answered that the whole family had gone to the movies th...

Anyone who has lost someone they love knows this is true.  For me in 2005 it was true x 3 and sucks didn't even begin to cover it.  You see, on March 7, 2005 my mom lost her battle with cancer.  I held her hand as she drew her last breath.  My mom and I had a pretty typical mother/daughter relationship.  In my teen years I saw her as evil.  The older I got, the more I understood some things and made peace with the things I didn't like but couldn't change.  When I became a mom, I learned to love my mom, flaws and all, just the way she was.  We were always close, even during my perceived evil period, it was just sometimes we liked each other better than others.  Her death was extremely hard on me, and I believe that's when the morphing began. Toward the end of my mom's life, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. A little more morphing.  He had surgery in May, 2005 and died of complications on May 21st.  I was now an orphan!...

Have you ever felt out of control of your life and wondered how the hell did I get here?  This has been happening to me lately.  I have had this realization several times in the past few weeks.  When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the person staring back at me.  Who is this person I have allowed myself to morph into and how do I get rid of her? I will describe the person I see in the mirror, the one I have become.  She is fat.  There I said it!  She has gained close to 100 pounds in the last 6 years.  If I look real close, I can still sort of see the other me in her eyes, in her soul.  The other me is a little chubby, but nothing like the woman looking back at me.  This is a woman who has given up on life.  She no longer cares how she looks, what she wears, or that she does nothing all day, every day.  She rarely gets dressed, no longer showers everyday - every couple of days is plenty when you don't go anywhere....