according to the countdown...

We have one day left. According to how I feel, I wonder if it may be more than that. However, I have never done this before so I don't know what it feels like the day before or a few days before one has a baby.

All I know is that statistically speaking, most first time moms breeze past their due date so I am anticipating my original prediction to be true, that this baby will be born sometime toward the middle or end of this week (I put my bet in on May 20th for a boy weighing somewhere in the 8s). But really, who can know right?! And I did buy some adorable girlie newborn stuff the other day because if it is a she, I want my girl to come home all decked out!

What is one to do the day before her due date or the week of you might ask? Well, I have decided that sitting around isn't going to help much so tonight we are planning to go to the youth group end of year bash. And besides compulsively keeping up on laundry & dishes (maybe to the point where I put things away before Ryan is done with them, whoops!), I hope to sit on patios with friends, take walks and fill the time with good things. Like more pasta and ice cream. Yes, even food right that actually tastes good right now is a welcome addition to my oh-so clear schedule. I keep thinking that it isn't bad to live on these staples for a few more days because I know it can't and won't be forever. So here is to mac and cheese & strawberry shortcake ice cream.

Maybe the next time I post I will have news!

my day off

Well, sort off. I have been anticipating today for about a month now as a day of major spring cleaning around here. So even though I have the day off, I am filling it with all kinds of cleaning that this organized, yet not into deep-cleaning girl, is not used to. I'm glad I am doing it now because I can't imagine where you put a belly that is nine months pregnant when you scrub your bathtub! And can you get carpal tunnel from scrubbing? I sure think so!

I realized that there are things that I cleaned today that I confess, have not been done in the five years we have lived in this house. I won't tell you what but just know they are major so if you have stayed at my house and seen them, I'm sorry! My companions today are double in number, due to the fact that we are dog sitting for my parents for another day or so. These two aren't any help to my cause:

But they are cute and I am glad someone is taking a nap!

Knowing that today was set aside for such activities, I fully soaked up the weekend and Saturday was blissful on a few levels including being part of Molly's shower. It was such a sweet time with the women that love her, a group from all pieces of her life. I think we are kindred spirits in many ways as we anticipate the arrival of our little ones exactly two weeks apart from one another. We love the little details of ribbon and words and her shower reflected exactly those things, so fitting for Molly. One of my favorite things was the fact that this scripture was incorporated into the time.

We had to document this time in both of our lives with a few pics of course! (notice that we are both rocking the same Liz Lange jeans from Target). Here we are at 30 weeks and 28 weeks:

reason 4,786 why I do youth group.

the leaders. was reminded tonight of the crazy things we do to make the kids laugh and it made me thankful for this time in our lives with these people.

confessions

* I may drink hot chocolate just for the marshmallows.
* I am too lazy to upload the recent pics I have taken but wish my posts had more pictures lately, thanks for reading anyways!
* I can't make pasta without having the water boil ever. It happens EVERY time.
* The last time I deep cleaned my bathroom is beyond me. Gross, I know but I seem to be happy with doing just enough to get by in that department sometimes.
* I am truly loving the little bump developing around my middle and for the first time in a long time, I feel so at home in my own skin.
* My commitment to writing feels a bit like working out sometimes, I don't always love getting ready to do it and find every excuse not to, but when I do, I swear the same endorphins buzz through me (minus the calorie burning).
* Sometimes when I get up in the morning and see all of this snow I consider for a moment, just a short moment, going back to bed and covering up in my flannel sheets to pretend that it is Saturday.
* I just checked out The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and it is due in a mere seven days. I fully intend to give the 600 pages of it my best effort in that time.

these are my confessions (cue Usher lyrics)
what do you need to get off YOUR chest?

the wonder of a week

Always amazed at the difference seven days can make in one's demeanor and outlook. It snuck up on me really, the reality of a gap between God and I. Once I sat down in church last Sunday, it became apparent in my spirit and the worship I was offering that I had forgotten, again. You see, I go through all of my normal days and weeks, offering prayers when I remember or think of it, reading when I want inspiration but I had once again missed the opportunity for the relationship part to be real.

If I have learned anything, it is that I can't go alone. Because I won't go anywhere. So I threw out an S.O.S. to Ryan in panicky words and tears, sharing my realization and asking for help. And as anti-climatic as it was, the reminders that he reverbiated back to me were more about confessions and moving forward and less about some major overhaul. It's when I live my faith by my emotions that I get all turned around and twisted but when I take one day at a time, I can breathe deeply and soak up the blessings around me. The week that followed felt a lot more livable, giving me space to recognize God again in my days instead of hurrying past Him.

And space to be thankful for the little things between the big ones. Such as:

-a dinner date with my grandparents tonight
-an upcoming cottage weekend with my love! (our favorite)
-the GIANT caramel & chocolate covered apple that Laura makes us every October as youth leaders. More than a few nights worth of night snacks for sure.
-Jodi's upcoming cooking demo where she is teaching us to make pasta & bread. There is hardly a thing I love more than pasta and bread.mmm.carbs. Michelle & I had so much fun at her first one back in February & I can't wait to learn some fun new kitchen tips!
-unexpected packages in the mail from sweet friends. I love mail!
-crazy warm October nights, which Toby can't seem to get enough of. Oh, and PS, I am just now realizing how many cell phone pictures we take of our dog now that we both have smart phones. I would say it is kind of embarrassing but I love it too much.

the break makes the beat

Confession: I take myself and my life way too seriously sometimes. I find myself wanting depth, depth, depth all the time and everywhere. But the truth is, we are meant to enjoy life in the small ways as well and this week I squared off with myself and looked straight in the eye my desire to lighten up a bit. This is all part of my recovery from the last season of walking through hard things and facing buried emotions in myself.

As has been a regular occurrence this summer, the summer internship we are running with 6 high school students has taught me and encouraged me and challenged my thought process in ways I didn't anticipate. Including this battle against only living in the deep end of life. Being with students who call "banana" every time they see a yellow car and challenge me to push ups before 9 a.m. don't often let me live in the deep end. But there are also portions of the internship, the teaching especially, that have given me perspective and growth and called me out in places that I need honesty.

This Friday was our final day together, after 8 weeks of relationships, growth, laughter and challenge. And I loved every second of it, easily one of the highlights of our (mine and Ryan's) summer. Part of what I have loved is the privilege of hearing perspective from leaders in the community and the wisdom from what they have learned along the way. I have felt so blessed by their own confessions, tears, and humility in sharing their stories.

This final day was no exception. We invited our friend Brad, who was also our teacher for our time in Israel to share some perspective. And after sitting under Brad's teaching for two weeks, I already was prepared to be encouraged. But what he shared was so timely and profound in a simple way that it spoke straight to where I find myself on so many days. He began with bringing out a drum and asking one of the students to play a few beats. One was fairly simple, the next more quickened and the final beat he played had pauses and variety. And quite naturally we all loved the third beat as it was enjoyable to listen to.

What made the beat was the pause, the break in between each tap of the drum that allowed the pronunciation of the sounds and the song being played. Brad shared that this is much like the beat of our own lives. When we drum away all of the time and don't give any space for a break, the rhythm in our lives is missing something as we pound away. Day after day, coffee dates and twitter feeds and facebook updates, spending time driving here and there, shopping for this and that. The rhythm of life.

To allow for pauses and breaks gives more meaning to the rhythm that our lives are making. What he was getting at is the idea of sabbath in our life, of creating rest and taking steps back. And it resonated with me as I engage in relationships and a career and marriage. All of those things that I want to focus on and create depth in. But sometimes the intensity with with which I bang my drums keeps me from that pause, to have time with my husband or to go for a long walk, to stay at home on a Friday night to read. Simple things yes, but I truly believe that Brad is onto something here and am I am thankful for the simple truths and encouraged to find more breaks in my beat.

thoughts on contentment & friendships

I had the lovely chance to write over here this week. Thoughts on contentment and friendships and how the two go hand in hand.

searching for some quiet

*picture taken at Khirbet Qeiyafa- an archelogical dig dated to King David where the oldest piece of Hebrew literature was recently discovered speaking of righteousness & justice.


I have always loved moving fast, busy days and packed weekends. But since we have been home from Israel, something inside of me is longing for more quiet in my life. I think part of it is a maturing process taking place and all that stands between me and quiet is discipline of myself.

I can run miles and train for races, I can organize events and execute whatever plans are laid out. But can I rest and wait, sit and write and stop long enough to smell the roses?

I always think, "this week will be the week, I will get up earlier and spend a few quiet minutes." But then the reality of needing to make a lunch, making the mistake of checking my email in the morning and debating whether to scrunch or blow dry my hair eat away at those precious moments. I lose the chance to dig in deep.

The thing I am realizing, which may sound obvious but is an easily overlooked truth in my life, is that life and discipline are all about making little steps in the direction that we want to go. And to live a good story, those little steps count just as much as the big ones. The summer internship we are running with these high school students is reminding me that my charachter and integrity build endurance through the small choices and decisions, just like training for anything else.

For me, I am realizing how easily I can confuse a good path with the best path. I keep thinking of this image..."wide is the road but narrow is the gate":

*picture taken at Scythopolis on the main road (also known as the cardo)

I'm not trying to get all zealous and exclusive but I am finding that in my own life doing good things is not adding up to a better walk with Christ. It just doesn't cut it. It looks great on the outside but doesn't motivate the heart change I know I need when I find myself struggling with the same issues or lacking wisdom to make decisions. I am convicted that one of the things in my life that deafens my ability to hear the small whispers of "this is my way, walk in it" is my busyness. So I am making a concerted effort to guard time and seek quiet.

confessions: part 3

1. I may have worn a version of the same outfit 3 times in the past 4 days.
Day 1: (youth group girl's night) black tank, white cardigan, fun new headband (as seen below), scarf

Day 2: (church & dinner with senior girls @ Olive Garden) white tank, white cardigan, headband, scarf, jeans
Day 3: (work) white v-neck top, white cardigan, no headband, scarf, black pants

*the piece that tied it all together:

2. I REALLY wish I knew html code and could do very cool design stuff

3. I hate going to the bank. Not sure why because the tellers are really nice.

4. I made meatballs and potato wedges last night for dinner. Yup. Ryan said they were a combo that might produce a gut ache. At least they were Turkey meatballs...

5. I have stayed up last the last 2 nights reading under the covers like a junior high girl finishing a new book that just came in the mail on Saturday . "I will carry you: The sacred dance of grief and joy" by Angie Smith. Pre-ordered months ago on Amazon and worth every second of the wait.


I love what surprises come out every time I lighten my load...what's on your plate today?