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We Are Still Good.

I've had these thoughts swirling around in my mind for a few weeks. I think I've made sense of them now. Also, I'm a feelings sharer, so here we go...

This year has been a very difficult one for me, and at times has made me wonder about spiritual things. When I say spiritual things I mean faith, hope, prayer, God, religion, eternity, etc.

During the process of losing my Mom I remember my Dad saying to me, "If we lose her, God and I will still be good." (I'm so grateful for the strong faith of my Dad.) I remember thinking, "Ummm I don't know about me and God." I remember wondering if losing my Mom would be the straw that broke the camels back. 

If I'm being honest, I started to lose some faith during my fertility issues. You would think that now having three beautiful, amazing kids would restore that, but I was holding a grudge for the rough times. As I went through the process of losing my Mom, I found myself running through all the different emotions and questions. I wondered if I was still strong enough spiritually to make it through those days with my faith intact. 

Here I am six months later with a different perspective and a few of the answers I was looking for some time ago. 

I look back on the hard times and can see Gods love for me manifesting in ways that I didn't realize at the time. Even when I wasn't reaching out for Him, and in fact, I was pushing Him away, He was there reaching for me. 

This past General Conference, it was said that "the Lord is in the small details of our lives." That stuck out to me, because I started recognizing Him at times when I previously couldn't see. 

1. I realized that the Lord led my child's path exactly where it needed to go, despite my resistance for His help. My son is loved so deeply that his loving Heavenly Father was creating the perfect path for him. I wasn't necessarily in the best place to lean on God, but He helped me along to make sure my son was getting the best. So, despite my own weakness, the Lord compensated to strengthen my son. 
2. He sent people to me to reduce my stress/anxiety. I'm a talk it out person, and sometimes I would just start talking to someone about something and get exactly what I needed. At times it would seem insignificant, but I would later look back on the conversation as a turning point. How did these people know exactly what to say in order to help me? I believe that God was reaching out to me through them. My whole family has been shown so much love. 
3. He gave me a very clear and strong answer about my Mom. I resisted God a lot the week I lost my Mom. At first, I was sure everything would be ok, and then when I realized it wouldn't be, I pushed Him away even more. I was definitely optimistic for most of that week. I continued to believe that she would get better, and everything would be fine. I tried and tried to convince everyone else of that too. I'm a nurse who happens to work on the exact floor she was on in a different hospital. I had seen some of what was happening before. I was convinced this was just another hospital visit for her. The morning we lost her, I woke up feeling anxious. I was driving to the hospital to see her again and received a very strong impression. I suddenly knew that I would lose my Mom. I lost it immediately and showed up to the hospital a mess. We lost her later that day. Looking back on that time, I would wonder why I could be so oblivious and positive. But I have come to the conclusion that I needed both the optimism and the strong answer at the end. (I almost don't want to say answer, because I was refusing to ask.) My optimism protected me from a week that could have been even harder, and my strong answer at the end gave me the realization I needed to accept what was happening. The optimism I had didn't totally erase my anxiety, sadness, and fear that week. It did cushion me from completely losing it that whole week. The strong impression I received on the car ride over was given to me loudly through ears that didn't want to hear. It let me know that this was His will, and it was right for my Mom. I won't ever question if it was the right time. I needed the optimism AND the strong answer for peace. 
4. My sweet, perfect :) Lyndy Loo. I waited four years for that squishy baby. I wanted her so badly and begged to get her. I tried fertility treatments when I didn't get her. I stopped fertility treatments when I didn't get her. I gave up trying for her. I got calloused towards prayer. Yet, I got her right when I needed her. I have had other people recognize this and comment to me about it. I got my sweet Lynden right before I lost my Mom. My Mom was able to meet her and love on her, and I was able to love on her when I lost my Mom. I often say that Lynden has been my bright sunshine through the terrible storm. I just look at her and smile. I don't know if she'll ever realize how much she saved me. All my family saved me.
5. I still have my Ben, and he is healthy. We recently had a scare with Ben's health. I woke up to Ben having a seizure-- which was one of the scariest things ever. I immediately started praying for him to be OK. I had previously thought in anger, "What is even the point of praying for something if God's will is going to happen anyway?" When I immediately started praying during the seizure, I got my answer. My turn to prayer was automatic. I turned to the Lord for help and peace. I needed a clear mind and to feel that we were being watched over. I got both of those things. My amazing brother-in-law came and took Ben to the hospital. After they left, I had a pretty good freak out, but then I was calm. The following days of continued tests and questions were all easier because I had peace that everything was fine. I didn't question if Ben would be ok again. I remember getting to the hospital after getting my kids taken care of, seeing him asleep on the ER bed, and just knowing he would be well. It was a hard few days, but it was easier with the comfort of the Lord. 

I see His hand in my life. I can't deny it. Even while I resist, His love is perfect. This year has been a doozy, and I have been allowed to go through a number of trials. It's easy for me to throw my hands up and think "give me a break here!" It's easy for me to feel picked on or angry. But my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have been with me through it all, and I see that. I see that even when I don't believe in myself, they believe in me. I see that when I don't think I can make it through, they know I can. 

I'm a work in progress, and I still have much to work on. I definitely let certain things slip this year and feel like I missed out on even more blessings, because I was unwilling to get them. BUT what I've witnessed in my life this year is that God doesn't give up on you ever, even when you give up on Him. That is amazing. 

So, me and God-- we are still good. 

My Grief

Well here it is. The thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind since losing my Mom a month ago. I know I haven't invented grief. I know I'm definitely not the first one to ever feel it. Im not the first person to ever loose their Mom or a loved one. I'm just going to share what I know about it. I know I probably have much more to learn, but I'm going to share what I have learned in this short time. 

(I started to try and order these a certain way, but I'm just going to go with what comes to my mind first)

One thing I have learned is that loss can bring you closer to some people and farther away from others. Some people immediately show up and want to take some of the burden. They let you know they are there and just love you. I haven't always been good at that. Before I knew what grief felt like, I sometimes would avoid grief in others, because I didn't know what to do or say. I have heard that a lot. "I don't even know what to say..." But I have learned that just even saying that means enough. Trying to comfort me has meant enough. In my grief I haven't needed anyone to say the perfect thing.  Honestly, because words don't really help when you loose someone. I just needed supportive people to show up. Those who have shown up for me in this time will always be in my heart.  Now that I know what horrible, breath stealing grief feels like, I want to run to people who are feeling it and just hug them. Not avoid them. I want to help them hold their grief for just a second because I now know how heavy it is. 

I say I'm part of the grief club now because experiencing it is something only those who have been through it will understand. I feel like I understand other people who are hurting better now. We belong to the suckiest club that ever was. But, I won't avoid grief in others anymore. I won't let it put distance between me and someone hurting. Grief wants to create space sometimes.

I have learned that grieving can look different every day. Earlier this week I thought, "Ok, I can totally get through this." I went to a girls night and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I got on with the routine of life and put my pain to the side. I was acting normal and getting stuff done. Then, a couple days ago my grief knocked me right on my back again. Mothers Day is this weekend. I got sad, irritated, angry, lethargic, short tempered, and couldn't seem to get anything done. I get angry that I'm not going to have my Mom with me for the rest of my life. I get angry that other people still get to have their Mom. I feel guilty that maybe my amazing Mom didn't know how important she was to me, or what a big hole she would leave in my life. I get frustrated and sad that my Dad has to go through this. I feel unsure about what our family dynamic will be later on. My kids talk about missing Grandma, and my pain multiplies. I get so worried that life without my Mom will some day seem normal. I freak out that my terrible memory will forget things about her that I want to remember, or that my kids will forget her. I go over the events of the week prior to her passing over and over. I get caught up on lab results she had or what-ifs in her treatment. Those thoughts swirl around. My grief changes right when I think I understand it.

I mention that it changes because my reactions change as well. Someone may say one thing to me and we can hold a conversation about it. Sometimes I will word vomit all these thoughts and feelings when someone asks. Then next day someone else may say the same thing, and I lose my composure. I can handle talking about it sometimes, but other times I can't. I have learned that this rarely has to do with the person I'm talking to. I would never want someone to take it personally if I just can't that day. It's really me not you. Sometimes I want to let my feelings out, and sometimes I can't think about it for another second. Sometimes I want to act normal and have fun, and other times I just can't be normal and have fun.

 That being said, I always appreciate when others take the steps of acknowledging my loss and offering to be there. I had a rough day yesterday and when I got to work last night, I was close to tears. I thought in my head, "I hope no one wants to talk to me about it." I wanted to blend in and not be the girl who lost her Mom. However, the friend I got report from just gave me a big hug, let me know she cared, and asked how I was doing. That completely calmed me down and helped me feel loved. I wasn't asked details or asked to relive certain things. I wasn't judged for acting a certain way either. I was just shown love. Those moments have meant everything to me. (Because it seems to be worse when I'm expected to act normal or like nothing has happened.) I hope I can be more sensitive and give others those moments too. I have appreciated those who keep me busy as well. The invites to normal, fun things. It takes my mind off of the sad for a little bit and helps me feel normal again. 

I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have learned that grief looks different on everyone. Everyone has to go through it their own way. Don't tell anyone how to grieve. If you got through grief one way, that doesn't mean that's how I have to do it. Most of us are just doing what we need to do to get by. (Obviously, I am one that needs to share and document my feelings.) Now knowing this, I want to just support and love my siblings and Dad in whatever way I can. That's really all that helps.  It is better when we are all together, but there is an obvious hole there. I can't even think about the day when it will feel normal without her around. It makes me mad that we have to deal with that. She loved us all and brought us together. 

Having said all of that about grief, I want everyone to know how grateful I am. I am not grateful for my grief, but I am grateful for those who are helping me through it. I also ask that you please be patient with me. Some days I will be on top of my game, but other days I will be weird and sad. Some days I need to carry it alone. I may not come at you with 100% friendship or be there in the ways you may need me right now. I'm sorry for that. Some days there's just not much left to go around. Always let me know though. Let me know how you are feeling. I'm a talk about your feelings kind of person. If you feel awkward around me and don't know what to say, say that. I'm totally awkward sometimes so I get it.

It's good to have a really great and supportive husband while you're grieving your Mother. I've learned that too. He is so patient with my ups and downs. He lets me know he loves me, and tries to just be there for me. My family has been amazing, and although our loss is the worst, we have all moved in closer to each other. We have been through terrible things together, and I wouldn't be doing it sanely without them. I need them to know how important they are to me.

That is another thing grief has taught me. Always let your loved ones know that they mean the world to you. I had heard that a million times before in my life, but I get it now. Show your family how much they mean to you. Tell them every chance you get. My Mom's death was something I didn't see coming and never believed would happen. I thought we had so much more time. I get it now. I don't want to be in this club. I know I will get to see my Mom again and be with her, but I have to do life without her for now. And that stinks. 

Thanks for letting me share my feelings and for those that continue to lift me up. You are so important to me. Also, please forgive spelling and punctuation errors. I typed this all out and was too tired to go back over it more than a couple times. My brain isn't super sharp right now so just pretend like it's perfect.

Lynden's Birthday

Lynden June Benavides officially joined our family on February 6, 2017 at 8:47 am. Her due date was February 12th, and I was 39 weeks and 1 day when she decided to join us. I was scheduled to be induced the 7th, but she decided to come early.


I was up most of the night before with regular contractions, but they never got strong enough to make me think I needed to go in. The next day was Sunday, and I just tried to take it easy and rest. I didn't have any contractions on Sunday, but woke up at 1:00am that morning with very strong contractions. As soon as I felt the first one, I knew it was go time. I waited until 2:00am to wake up Ben and was timing the contractions. They were very consistent and about 3-5 minutes apart. I called my brother (he had offered to be available at all times to come stay with our kids) to come hang at our house while our kids slept, and we got our stuff together.


We got to the hospital at 3:00 am, and the contractions were pretty strong by then. They had me stay in triage and called the on call Dr. I was dilated to a four by then, but the Dr wanted to "watch my progress." So they said they would keep me in triage for an hour and see if I progressed. I definitely knew the difference between contractions and labor contractions, so I was not excited about waiting longer. Luckily, my water broke 30 minutes later, and they admitted me.


By 4:00am I was in a room and waiting for my epidural. After that, it was just waiting time. My body was ready to go by 7:00am, but they wanted to wait for my Dr to get there at 8:00 to start pushing. Baby and I were comfortable so we waited. It should be mentioned that Ben waited until 1:00am to go to sleep that night and only slept until 2:00am when I woke him up. Luckily, I went to bed at 10:00pm so I got a little sleep. My Dr got there around 8:15am, and I started pushing soon after that. I really didn't have to push much, and baby joined us at 8:47am. The most exciting part of the day was everyone waiting to see if it was a girl or boy. The Dr held her right up, and I saw right away, GIRL!! Waiting to find out the gender was such an exciting thing. I loved that moment, and will always remember seeing my girl for the first time. One of the first things I said was, "Maebry got her sister!!!"


I had the name Lynden for some time, but wasn't able to decide on a middle name. I told Ben he was in charge of the middle name, but he wasn't able to come up with one. I had given him a few names I was thinking of, but we never decided on one. Right after she was born, Ben said Lynden June. She is healthy, beautiful, and my heaviest baby so far. 8lbs 4 oz and 21 inches. We love our Lynden, and I am so grateful for the smooth delivery and healthy baby. I haven't stopped snuggling her since she was born.

Black and White Nursery

I finished the room for Baby #3 today!

The room was mostly done but missing a few finishing touches.
I needed something gender neutral since we aren't finding out what Baby B is.
I decided to go with black and white, because I love that look.
Here is my favorite wall in the room.





This wall was one of the first things I worked on.
The wall was actually painted pink and needed to be painted back to white.
I sewed the banner using different black and white fabrics.
The tassels are made from yard to give them a bulky look.
Ben even got involved putting the triangle decals on the wall.

The window has light gray blackout curtains that make this room perfect for naps :)

The curtains were courtesy of my sister, Nicole.

I added the queen bed on a whim when my Dad offered me one.

It has seriously been my favorite addition.

I am so happy we have an extra bed in the baby room.

It is already a favorite spot for everyone, and I will probably spend many nights with baby there.

I made the white bear blanket some time ago and haven't had a place to put it.

It works perfectly in here!

I have gone a little crazy making pillows for this bed!

It started with the lumpy gray cloud and grew from there.

The black and white plaid pillow is a favorite of mine.

I ordered a reversible comforter for the bed as well.

If I get sick of black, the other side is gray.

The opposite wall has a collage of pictures and sayings and the changing table.

This dresser/changing table is the same on I used for Maebry.

I did switch out all the knobs from bright pink flowers to black ones.

I made a black and white stripe cover for the changing pad as well.

Here is a close up of my gallery wall.

Some of these sayings will be replaced with baby pictures, but are filled for now. 

I also added a pom pom garland made with white yarn and black felt balls. 

My favorite: "As Long As I'm Living My Baby You'll Be."

I cry every time I read that book!

One of the newest additions to the room is this cute panda lamp.

I actually consider this lamp a splurge, but I wanted a lamp in the room and just look at it!

The glider in the room is the one I got when I was expecting Paxton.

It still works perfectly, and I made another plaid pillow for it!

This long black frame was added to fill space. Hah.

I'm thinking at some point I will add wire and pictures or something.

For now, its just a frame that tricks me into thinking it's a mirror.

I also loved the print on this canvas basket and got it for laundry.  

The crib is the same one I've used for both kiddos.

I painted it white for Maebry, and was happy to leave it that way!

I made a gray stripe side rail cover to protect from little teeth.

I didn't have one with Maebry, and she took a few bites out of it.

This black and white bunny blanket is one of my favorite things in the room.

I also searched for the black and white triangle fabric for the crib sheet for quite a while.

I stalked the fabric store for it until they told me they probably wouldn't be getting any more.

I finally ordered it from the website, because it was sold out everywhere else.

I just needed it.

The crib quilt is just black and white strips of fabric.

I did black vertical squiggly lines for the quilting part.

The back of the quilt is big black and white stripes.

I set out a little outfit on the changing table, and it makes me so excited.

I crocheted a little hat that match the plaid pants I bought for baby.

The bear socks are just the cutest too.

I am so excited to meet this new little baby.

Having the room done just makes it that much more real.

I find Maebry in the room all the time, and can't wait to bring baby home to it.

Paxton's Almost SIX!

Paxton will be six next week, and I decided to do a quick post with the pictures I got of him last week. What a handsome dude. 

His communication is getting so much better. I think sometimes we underestimate how much he understands, and sometimes he uses that to his advantage. Haha. He is pretty clever. 

This boy is just amazing. He is sweet, thoughtful, friendly, smart, hilarious, silly, and so imaginative. He has serious talent as an artist. He spends most of his time at his desk creating amazing things. 

He takes care of his little sister and consoles her when she is sad. I always hear him say, "Maebry, I love you. You're my best friend." Nothing makes my heart melt faster. They are such good friends. I love that other people tell me they can see how much they love eachother. 

He is always laughing and making us laugh. One of his favorite things to do is be goofy to get laughs. 

I'm so glad I caught this face on camera! This is the one I get when he says "Mama!" And is trying to have a mad face but can't help smiling. It's classic Paxton. 

He is still obsessed with everything Sponge Bob. He draws Sponge Bob, talks about Sponge Bob, acts out Sponge Bob, and quotes Sponge Bob. He's a pretty big fan. He is known for his amazing pictures of Spong Bob. 

He loves playing outside, having fun with friends, and wrestling. He loves his dog Crash, and plays all kind of games with him. 

Paxton loves kindergarten and has an amazing teacher and friends. He looks forward to school every day, and has learned so much. He does not look forward to speech though....hah. He has made that very clear. 

His favorite treat is ice cream. His favorite foods are pizza and broccoli. (I know, broccoli really is something he LOVES to eat.) His favorite color is yellow, but he needs a black marker at all times. 

He gets really excited when I buy him paper, tape, or new markers. The excitement over a new pair of scissors was unreal. He rarely plays with toys anymore, because he's so busy creating. 

Paxton will usually tell me about what he plans to draw on the way home from school. When we get home, he goes straight to his desk to work on his idea. 

His drawings have really helped with our communication. When he's trying to tell me something that I'm not understanding, he will go draw it. This has been so helpful as he's tried to share his thoughts. I have always wondered what goes on in that cute little head, and now I have more of an idea. 

He loves music and will always dance with me. He loves to sing loudly while he's drawing. 

Maebry has really helped him come out of his shell. She is so friendly and talks to everyone. He has watched her and started to talk to people when we are out and about. He was always super shy, and still is, but every now and then he will surprise me and greet someone first. 

Most of the time it takes Paxton a little while to warm up to new people. If you put in the time though, it is so worth it. He will make you laugh, show you some of his art, and maybe even teach you how to draw SpongBob! 

We love this boy so much! I can't believe he's almost six! 

Here is What I Know

I know it's time to write a post when I can't focus on what I'm doing, because my thoughts are racing. I was trying really hard to read a book, but found myself at the end of the page not knowing what it said.

Lately, I've found myself saying things like, "during the dark time," or "now that I'm in a better place," a lot lately. (I have written about both those things in previous posts if you happened to miss them.) When I'm talking with friends or family I refer to my faithless months as the 'dark times.'  I've once again come to the obvious conclusion that, the exercise of my faith and involvement with my religion makes me a happier, better person. 

If you don't know, I am a member of a The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The church that I attend has always been a topic that enables me to hear many different opinions. I have heard, "you are going to hell," "you aren't a Christian," I've had people tell me what I believe, and much more. I've heard of other churches holding special meetings just to let everyone know why my church is wrong. I've even heard people who aren't members of my church anymore speak very harshly about it. I normally don't engage in those conversations. But, here is my reaction: 

Living my faith and participating in my religion makes me a happier, better person.

I hope that's true for you too. No matter what religion you practice.  

There are all kinds of debates and different opinions in the world. People get really fired up about issues.There is also so much false information flying around. So and so heard something so it must be true. I heard this the other day so I'm telling everyone. Making snap judgements is so easy because of all the access we have to opinions (hah like mine!).

I don't say these things from any high horse. I've been guilty of doing those same things. 

Again, here is what I know: living my faith and participating in my religion makes me happier and makes my life more full. More full of God and the Savior, more full of love, more full of hope, more full with friends, more full of faith, more full of optimism, more full of purpose...and on and on. I have seen the same thing happen to people who practice other religions. When they are closer to the Lord, they are happier. I hope I'm getting my point across without sounding judgey. 

I think we could use a little less judgement and a little more love. I think we could extend a little more mercy to those who are just doing the best they can. If I sound like I'm on a soap box, I assure you, I'm talking to myself as well. If I've ever shared anything about my religion it's because it's made me better or happier. I don't share things to change minds or flip opinions. I don't share things to persuade others. I share things because I have found them to be true in my life. I share them because it matters to me. I'm big on sharing my feelings. Hah. 

I'm not exactly sure how to wrap this post up. I'm all out of racing thoughts. I'll just leave this right here: 

There really is power in our love for God. I have felt it in my life. I also know what it's like when I'm not allowing myself to feel it. I want to always feel it. I also hope I can better use that power to love others.

That's all.  

(Quote by M. Russell Ballard) 

The Follow Up Post

I feel like my last post could use a follow up post. I've been talking with different people about my infertility post and have been feeling a lot of love. Many of you have shared your stories with me and have reached out just to say you love me. I have appreciated every single comment, text, and conversation. I was a little hesitant to share my story for a number of reasons, but I am very glad I did. Here are a few things I would like to share now that it's out there....

Mom life seriously is the best life. 

Having these two in my life still blows my mind every time I think about it. Sometimes I just watch them and tear up, because I can't believe they are mine. I don't want more kids because these two aren't enough. They are everything. Adding to our family would only make it MORE awesome. 

One reason I was hesitant to share my fertility trials is because I don't want to be someone you have to hide your happiness from. Truthfully, it does sting when I hear "everyone is pregnant" or that you get pregnant so easily it's ridiculous. However, I do want to celebrate with you. I don't want my loved ones to hesitate letting me know how excited they are or how they can't wait for baby to arrive. I don't want people to tip toe around talking about their joy because I'm standing there listening. There are ways to be sensitive about my struggle and still share your life with me. I have been pregnant before. I know it isn't all roses. It's ok if you let me know you are just the sickest. I won't get upset because you are complaining about something I yearn for. I've been in that moment, and it can be the worst! I feel like I have the unique experience of standing in both worlds. I am able to sympathize with many different situations. I also think that sharing others joy with them will help me to not get stuck on my own stuff. Connecting with friends and loved ones is always a good thing. 

I'm currently working on staying in this happy, fulfilled, full of faith place. I've finally made it here, and I don't want to lose the momentum. Infertility can be such a rollercoaster of feelings and moods. I don't want to get back on that rollercoaster. I still have my sad moments and even a little crazy, but it's about feeling the sad for a little and moving back to the happy. I don't want to dwell in the sad. I've learned that it's through faith in God and his plan that keeps me in the happy. I was seriously resigned to the fact that "well I guess this pessimistic, unhappy person is just who I am now." It wasn't true. I can be better. I can be so much better. The nature of a person can actually change through the Atonement and love of Jesus Christ. Am I getting a little preachy? Good. :)  It's what I have literally experienced in my life. I am living proof. I truly believe that you can fill up any hole in your life with God's love, and it will end up overflowing. That doesn't mean you forget the hole was ever there. It means you can have a happy life despite the hole developing in the first place. 

One last follow up. People experience trials in different ways. We are all going through something. We have all had to try and navigate through our own storms. It is definitely impossible to do it perfectly. Be a little more patient with people. Be a little more understanding. Stick with those people through the rough patches. Don't bail out because their sadness is uncomfortable for you. You don't always have to say the perfect thing. Just being there with your love is enough. I really appreciate those people who didn't bail on me, because I wasn't acting like who they wanted me to be. 

 

That's all for now.

(One more picture because they are just so dang cute.) 

Infertility Makes Me Crazy. Trust in the Lord.

I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this, but I want to get it down. This may be too personal. Some people may think, 'why does she have to share all this?' However, I think there is some explanation that needs to be shared. So here I go....

Last year was the worst. Sure, I can think of good things that happened, but overall it was just the worst. Of course I can see people who have it worse than me. Of course some people may think 'oh that's nothing!' But for me, it was the worst. So here I go explaining. 

The underlying problem of last year was infertility. I believe that made everything else harder. People who have this struggle understand that it takes over almost every aspect of life. When you want something so badly, that you believe is a righteous desire, it's hard to understand why it isn't happening for you. Last year was actually year three of infertility since Maebry, but last year became unbearable because the loss of hope. 

Rewind: I have actually had trouble getting pregnant with both of our children. It took at least a year for both. I never went to a fertility doctor for either kid, and finally got pregnant on our own. Both times I started wondering if I should, right when it would happen. I wasn't too worried about it after Maebry because I knew it would happened again eventually. Being a mother is what has brought me some of my greatest joys. The moment I had Paxton, I just knew I was meant for this. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than spend my time with the loves of my life. They make me so happy, and life is better when they are around. So, of course I want more of them! 

Here's the problem with my infertility last year, it made me act like someone I don't want to be, thus making it the worst. 

-I pulled away from everyone. Friends and family. I isolated myself because I was sad and angry. I had people texting me wondering if I was still alive. I didn't want to be the sad person so I just stayed away. Also, when you are with family and friends, they want to talk about it. Naturally, people have started wondering if and when we want more kids. The questions bothered me. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about everyones pregnancy and happiness either. This is where some of the explanation is important. Some of these people got offended by my behavior. (Which was definitely justified.) They knew I was pulling away but didn't know why. I didn't want to explain it, and they thought it was their fault. I'm sorry for that. It wasn't you, it was me! 

-The worst part of last year was that I started pulling away from my faith. I started doubting things that I had always known. I stopped doing the things that I needed to do to stay close to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have always had such strong faith in prayer, but when you feel like your prayers haven't been answered in years, it can wear on you. I felt all alone, and I didn't think I was getting any answers. This aspect of my life had the biggest impact on some of my year and behavior. I believe this loss of faith is what made everything else seem worse. This was another reason I pulled away from others. I was bitter and not very great company to be in. 

- I felt guilty. We have two amazing, phenomenal kids. Why was I so upset if I couldn't have more? Some people never get to have any biological kids, and here I was crying about infertility. At least I got to do it twice! Why couldn't I just feel complete with two kids?? 

-I was angry about not being able to plan my life. I have always wanted to be able to say, "I'm planning on getting pregnant this month so I can have the baby this month." I got angry when people laughed that "whoops they got pregnant!" Why couldn't I have a 'whoops' baby?? There are actually a lot of things that can be said to someone that is dealing with infertility that can be hurtful. Even saying "Oh, it looks like it's your turn to have another one!" How do you say, "well I've actually been trying for years!" Without making it awkward? Comparison really is the thief of joy. 

-I actually did start seeing a fertility Doctor about 7 months ago. (I've taken breaks during that time.) She hasn't found anything terribly wrong. There have been a few problems, but nothing that should be making it this hard. Seeing a fertility doctor can almost be worse than not seeing one. The roller coaster of emotions each month can be even crazier. The medications and hormones I was on made everything heightened. Plus, you get even more excited that this will be the month, and even more disappointed when it's not. 

There were some other factors that were involved too, like dealing with Paxton stuff through this, but I'm sticking with infertility on this post. 

So, there is most of the background, and now here is why I want to share it. I 100% know now, without a doubt, that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that His plan for me will always be better than my own. I had some very dark, questioning days where I wasn't sure about that. But I know now more than anything that it is true. It's taken me some time to get to this place, which is mostly my fault, but I'm here. Here in this place doesn't mean all my worry for the future is gone. It doesn't mean my faith is perfect now. It DOES mean that I can be happy and work on becoming a better person. 

The change in me started at church one day I heard something along the lines of: Trust in the Lord. He is always the answer. 
I felt like I wasn't getting answers, but maybe that was my answer. Turn to Christ. Later that night I was talking to my sister who understands my infertility struggles and I said, "I just have to find a way to be happy whether I have more kids or not. I can't keep riding this roller coaster. I have to find a way to be happy." 

 The next week at church, conveniently, the discussion was about how the Lord's plan may not be our plan, but His is better. I got the distinct impression again that if the Lord only ever gives us two kids then I still need to be happy. I need to trust in the Lord. I need to have a good, full life no matter what. Trust being the important thing I had been missing. 

There has been a change in me since then. Have I been perfect? Nope. But I have come a very long way in a short amount of time. I've started doing the things I need to do to be closer to God again. 

My faith and hope for the future is back. I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will be again any time soon. I know I have a lot more time for that to happen. My timeline is something I have clung to and need to let go of. I still want to have more kids. I am on the fence about continuing with fertility treatments. I probably will take some time off from that. I'm taking some time to get back to where I want to be spiritually and emotionally.

Some good things that have come from all this? 

I made a best friend and we bonded over some of the toughest things we've had to go through. She is also struggling with infertility and understands my pain like others never will. She has definitely seen me in my worst moments and loved me anyways. I will love her forever and am glad we got to be so close. 

I once again realized that I have the most amazing husband ever. He has dealt with some serious crazy this past year, and he's stood by me through it all. His attitude all along has been that he's grateful for our two perfect kids, and if we have more that's great. That attitude annoyed me at times, because I needed him to want it as much as I did. However, I realize that one of us needed to stay sane to help the other one out. His outlook all along has been where I have finally arrived. I love my husband.

My love for running has deepened. I have always loved running, but this year it has been my therapy. I depend on my runs now and love that I am able to just get out there! I have had some crying, praying, begging, and lots of laughing and joy on those runs. 

You have to go through the hard stuff to get to the really good stuff right ;) This probably would have made me roll my eyes not too long ago, but now I'm going with it! I can also look back at that time and recognize those times I was supported by my Savior even when I didn't quite deserve it or notice. 

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If I haven't been the person you wanted me to be this past year, I'm sorry. I got very caught up in my own problems and got very selfish. I didn't really see past my situation. As much as it seriously sucked, I think I had to go through it. It's taken some time to get me humble. 

I'm thankful for those that still hung in there with me. I'm thankful for those that listened to me without judging. I'm thankful that I continued to go to church through that rough time. I'm thankful to my Savior for loving me no matter what and knowing who I really am instead of who I was choosing to be. 

From here on out I'm going to try and trust in the Lord and His plan for me. (Someone remind me I said this if I start getting crazy again! Haha jk!)

Thanks for reading my post. Getting it out into words always helps me heal. I have always believed that sharing experiences can help others. I have been helped by others' words. I have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and know that I can be forgiven. I believe we can all become who we were meant to be if we trust in the Lord, and that person will be a million times better than the one we can think up! 

Paxton on the Spectrum

 I decided to write this post today so I can remember these things, and also to share this information so others understand. Today we were finally able to meet with a developmental Doctor for Paxton. Both his primary Doctor and his ear Doctor recommended we see her. The reason for seeing this specialist is Paxton continues to have a significant speech delay. After many many hearing tests, appointments, and tube surgeries, the conclusion is that his hearing loss, while present, does not warrant the extreme delay in speech.

   

 Today the developmental Doctor finally gave us a diagnosis. Paxton was diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. She said that in order to be classified as being on the Spectrum he had to score above a 30 using the scale she was rating him on. Paxton's score was 31. There is a very wide range of symptoms and severity of symptoms associated with Autism. There are many symptoms that Paxton doesn't have, and there are some that he does have. Paxton's symptoms are not severe but are present. 

   

We have had this diagnosis in the back of our minds for some time now, so it wasn't a big surprise. The other diagnosis Paxton received is "Receptive Expressive Language Disorder." Receptive [difficulty understanding what others are saying] Expressive [difficulty expressing thoughts and ideas]. Children on the Autism spectrum often have language and communication issues. 

   

So, having said all that, I thought I would share some of the symptoms Paxton has shown that led to this diagnosis. 

1) Speech Delay. He has a very difficult time understanding others and expressing himself. He really can't speak in sentences. Usually only two or three words at a time. It can be very frustrating for him and others. 

2) Instead of answering questions or commands, Paxton repeats what is said to him. If I say, "Where is the door?" Instead of showing me, he says, "Where is the Door?" 

3) He has some 'awkward' social behaviors. He doesn't always appropriately use eye contact. He also moves his eyes back and forth quickly or blinks a lot when he gets uncomfortable with interaction.  

         Paxton has come a long way on this one. Since being in school and having Maebry around, he has really started to be more comfortable in certain situations. He won't always display these behaviors but will in new situations.

4) People can find it hard to connect with him.  He doesn't always seem "warm."  

    Example: I will tell him we are going to Grandma's house and he will get so excited. He will talk about going to Grandma's house the whole way there. As soon as we get there, Grandma wants to greet him and give him a hug. He may "shut down" and avoid the hug and just walk in the house. This one is a hit or miss. Sometimes he may walk in waiting to show Grandma something, but other times he wants to skip the hello or goodbye hug. This was one of the things that was hard for me to see. He is very different towards me. He is very warm, loving, and comfortable with me. I never see these behaviors directed at me.   

5) Fixation on a certain activity or interest. This kid gets very fixated on one thing and that is all he will talk about. Sponge Bob is his fixation right now. Drawing Sponge Bob is the activity he will do over and over and over. I've noticed that it's different than Mabery's interest in something. Maebry loves Frozen. She talks about Frozen a lot and loves the toys. However, Maebry has other interests besides Frozen as well. She loves it but is not only fixated on that one thing.

6) Transitions or changes are hard on him. When he changes classes in school or church it throws him for a loop. He has a hard time adjusting.   

   Those are some of the behaviors I discussed today with the Doctor. I am in no way an expert on this. I started reading about it a while back, but there is still a lot I don't know. Paxton's social symptoms have gotten better with more social interaction. He will be able to learn how to improve some of these things as he grows. He watches Maebry a lot and mimics some of her behaviors. She has really helped to bring him out of his shell. 

   

My hope in sharing this post is that Paxton will be understood a little bit better. When he walks in somewhere with Maebry and she runs towards you, arms open, so excited to see you and he doesn't; It's not because he isn't excited to see you too. He doesn't express it the same way. Paxton is very intelligent. He has excellent grades and knows everything he should know at this point in school. Social interaction and communication are what we will continue to work on.  

   

He just walked in and saw his name all over this post and was wondering why. Haha. He also saw Sponge Bob's name. :-P I have always said that Paxton is a hard nut to crack. He is harder to win over than some. However, if you put in the time and understanding it is SO worth it. He is a sensitive, sweet, hilarious (He loves to make people laugh!), loving boy. He has moments when he is so outgoing and friendly, and moments when he is quiet and standoffish. We love Paxton so much and will continue to work to make sure he's happy. He is such a happy kid. :) He has great teachers and people helping him at school every day. I am so grateful for that. We won't know right away if we should change his treatment in any way, but I will keep everyone updated. Thanks for reading my long post! 

(Sorry if I rambled on and made grammatical errors. I care less about that and more about sharing this information.)