Paxton's Almost SIX!

Paxton will be six next week, and I decided to do a quick post with the pictures I got of him last week. What a handsome dude. 

His communication is getting so much better. I think sometimes we underestimate how much he understands, and sometimes he uses that to his advantage. Haha. He is pretty clever. 

This boy is just amazing. He is sweet, thoughtful, friendly, smart, hilarious, silly, and so imaginative. He has serious talent as an artist. He spends most of his time at his desk creating amazing things. 

He takes care of his little sister and consoles her when she is sad. I always hear him say, "Maebry, I love you. You're my best friend." Nothing makes my heart melt faster. They are such good friends. I love that other people tell me they can see how much they love eachother. 

He is always laughing and making us laugh. One of his favorite things to do is be goofy to get laughs. 

I'm so glad I caught this face on camera! This is the one I get when he says "Mama!" And is trying to have a mad face but can't help smiling. It's classic Paxton. 

He is still obsessed with everything Sponge Bob. He draws Sponge Bob, talks about Sponge Bob, acts out Sponge Bob, and quotes Sponge Bob. He's a pretty big fan. He is known for his amazing pictures of Spong Bob. 

He loves playing outside, having fun with friends, and wrestling. He loves his dog Crash, and plays all kind of games with him. 

Paxton loves kindergarten and has an amazing teacher and friends. He looks forward to school every day, and has learned so much. He does not look forward to speech though....hah. He has made that very clear. 

His favorite treat is ice cream. His favorite foods are pizza and broccoli. (I know, broccoli really is something he LOVES to eat.) His favorite color is yellow, but he needs a black marker at all times. 

He gets really excited when I buy him paper, tape, or new markers. The excitement over a new pair of scissors was unreal. He rarely plays with toys anymore, because he's so busy creating. 

Paxton will usually tell me about what he plans to draw on the way home from school. When we get home, he goes straight to his desk to work on his idea. 

His drawings have really helped with our communication. When he's trying to tell me something that I'm not understanding, he will go draw it. This has been so helpful as he's tried to share his thoughts. I have always wondered what goes on in that cute little head, and now I have more of an idea. 

He loves music and will always dance with me. He loves to sing loudly while he's drawing. 

Maebry has really helped him come out of his shell. She is so friendly and talks to everyone. He has watched her and started to talk to people when we are out and about. He was always super shy, and still is, but every now and then he will surprise me and greet someone first. 

Most of the time it takes Paxton a little while to warm up to new people. If you put in the time though, it is so worth it. He will make you laugh, show you some of his art, and maybe even teach you how to draw SpongBob! 

We love this boy so much! I can't believe he's almost six! 

Here is What I Know

I know it's time to write a post when I can't focus on what I'm doing, because my thoughts are racing. I was trying really hard to read a book, but found myself at the end of the page not knowing what it said.

Lately, I've found myself saying things like, "during the dark time," or "now that I'm in a better place," a lot lately. (I have written about both those things in previous posts if you happened to miss them.) When I'm talking with friends or family I refer to my faithless months as the 'dark times.'  I've once again come to the obvious conclusion that, the exercise of my faith and involvement with my religion makes me a happier, better person. 

If you don't know, I am a member of a The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The church that I attend has always been a topic that enables me to hear many different opinions. I have heard, "you are going to hell," "you aren't a Christian," I've had people tell me what I believe, and much more. I've heard of other churches holding special meetings just to let everyone know why my church is wrong. I've even heard people who aren't members of my church anymore speak very harshly about it. I normally don't engage in those conversations. But, here is my reaction: 

Living my faith and participating in my religion makes me a happier, better person.

I hope that's true for you too. No matter what religion you practice.  

There are all kinds of debates and different opinions in the world. People get really fired up about issues.There is also so much false information flying around. So and so heard something so it must be true. I heard this the other day so I'm telling everyone. Making snap judgements is so easy because of all the access we have to opinions (hah like mine!).

I don't say these things from any high horse. I've been guilty of doing those same things. 

Again, here is what I know: living my faith and participating in my religion makes me happier and makes my life more full. More full of God and the Savior, more full of love, more full of hope, more full with friends, more full of faith, more full of optimism, more full of purpose...and on and on. I have seen the same thing happen to people who practice other religions. When they are closer to the Lord, they are happier. I hope I'm getting my point across without sounding judgey. 

I think we could use a little less judgement and a little more love. I think we could extend a little more mercy to those who are just doing the best they can. If I sound like I'm on a soap box, I assure you, I'm talking to myself as well. If I've ever shared anything about my religion it's because it's made me better or happier. I don't share things to change minds or flip opinions. I don't share things to persuade others. I share things because I have found them to be true in my life. I share them because it matters to me. I'm big on sharing my feelings. Hah. 

I'm not exactly sure how to wrap this post up. I'm all out of racing thoughts. I'll just leave this right here: 

There really is power in our love for God. I have felt it in my life. I also know what it's like when I'm not allowing myself to feel it. I want to always feel it. I also hope I can better use that power to love others.

That's all.  

(Quote by M. Russell Ballard) 

The Follow Up Post

I feel like my last post could use a follow up post. I've been talking with different people about my infertility post and have been feeling a lot of love. Many of you have shared your stories with me and have reached out just to say you love me. I have appreciated every single comment, text, and conversation. I was a little hesitant to share my story for a number of reasons, but I am very glad I did. Here are a few things I would like to share now that it's out there....

Mom life seriously is the best life. 

Having these two in my life still blows my mind every time I think about it. Sometimes I just watch them and tear up, because I can't believe they are mine. I don't want more kids because these two aren't enough. They are everything. Adding to our family would only make it MORE awesome. 

One reason I was hesitant to share my fertility trials is because I don't want to be someone you have to hide your happiness from. Truthfully, it does sting when I hear "everyone is pregnant" or that you get pregnant so easily it's ridiculous. However, I do want to celebrate with you. I don't want my loved ones to hesitate letting me know how excited they are or how they can't wait for baby to arrive. I don't want people to tip toe around talking about their joy because I'm standing there listening. There are ways to be sensitive about my struggle and still share your life with me. I have been pregnant before. I know it isn't all roses. It's ok if you let me know you are just the sickest. I won't get upset because you are complaining about something I yearn for. I've been in that moment, and it can be the worst! I feel like I have the unique experience of standing in both worlds. I am able to sympathize with many different situations. I also think that sharing others joy with them will help me to not get stuck on my own stuff. Connecting with friends and loved ones is always a good thing. 

I'm currently working on staying in this happy, fulfilled, full of faith place. I've finally made it here, and I don't want to lose the momentum. Infertility can be such a rollercoaster of feelings and moods. I don't want to get back on that rollercoaster. I still have my sad moments and even a little crazy, but it's about feeling the sad for a little and moving back to the happy. I don't want to dwell in the sad. I've learned that it's through faith in God and his plan that keeps me in the happy. I was seriously resigned to the fact that "well I guess this pessimistic, unhappy person is just who I am now." It wasn't true. I can be better. I can be so much better. The nature of a person can actually change through the Atonement and love of Jesus Christ. Am I getting a little preachy? Good. :)  It's what I have literally experienced in my life. I am living proof. I truly believe that you can fill up any hole in your life with God's love, and it will end up overflowing. That doesn't mean you forget the hole was ever there. It means you can have a happy life despite the hole developing in the first place. 

One last follow up. People experience trials in different ways. We are all going through something. We have all had to try and navigate through our own storms. It is definitely impossible to do it perfectly. Be a little more patient with people. Be a little more understanding. Stick with those people through the rough patches. Don't bail out because their sadness is uncomfortable for you. You don't always have to say the perfect thing. Just being there with your love is enough. I really appreciate those people who didn't bail on me, because I wasn't acting like who they wanted me to be. 

 

That's all for now.

(One more picture because they are just so dang cute.) 

Infertility Makes Me Crazy. Trust in the Lord.

I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this, but I want to get it down. This may be too personal. Some people may think, 'why does she have to share all this?' However, I think there is some explanation that needs to be shared. So here I go....

Last year was the worst. Sure, I can think of good things that happened, but overall it was just the worst. Of course I can see people who have it worse than me. Of course some people may think 'oh that's nothing!' But for me, it was the worst. So here I go explaining. 

The underlying problem of last year was infertility. I believe that made everything else harder. People who have this struggle understand that it takes over almost every aspect of life. When you want something so badly, that you believe is a righteous desire, it's hard to understand why it isn't happening for you. Last year was actually year three of infertility since Maebry, but last year became unbearable because the loss of hope. 

Rewind: I have actually had trouble getting pregnant with both of our children. It took at least a year for both. I never went to a fertility doctor for either kid, and finally got pregnant on our own. Both times I started wondering if I should, right when it would happen. I wasn't too worried about it after Maebry because I knew it would happened again eventually. Being a mother is what has brought me some of my greatest joys. The moment I had Paxton, I just knew I was meant for this. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than spend my time with the loves of my life. They make me so happy, and life is better when they are around. So, of course I want more of them! 

Here's the problem with my infertility last year, it made me act like someone I don't want to be, thus making it the worst. 

-I pulled away from everyone. Friends and family. I isolated myself because I was sad and angry. I had people texting me wondering if I was still alive. I didn't want to be the sad person so I just stayed away. Also, when you are with family and friends, they want to talk about it. Naturally, people have started wondering if and when we want more kids. The questions bothered me. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about everyones pregnancy and happiness either. This is where some of the explanation is important. Some of these people got offended by my behavior. (Which was definitely justified.) They knew I was pulling away but didn't know why. I didn't want to explain it, and they thought it was their fault. I'm sorry for that. It wasn't you, it was me! 

-The worst part of last year was that I started pulling away from my faith. I started doubting things that I had always known. I stopped doing the things that I needed to do to stay close to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have always had such strong faith in prayer, but when you feel like your prayers haven't been answered in years, it can wear on you. I felt all alone, and I didn't think I was getting any answers. This aspect of my life had the biggest impact on some of my year and behavior. I believe this loss of faith is what made everything else seem worse. This was another reason I pulled away from others. I was bitter and not very great company to be in. 

- I felt guilty. We have two amazing, phenomenal kids. Why was I so upset if I couldn't have more? Some people never get to have any biological kids, and here I was crying about infertility. At least I got to do it twice! Why couldn't I just feel complete with two kids?? 

-I was angry about not being able to plan my life. I have always wanted to be able to say, "I'm planning on getting pregnant this month so I can have the baby this month." I got angry when people laughed that "whoops they got pregnant!" Why couldn't I have a 'whoops' baby?? There are actually a lot of things that can be said to someone that is dealing with infertility that can be hurtful. Even saying "Oh, it looks like it's your turn to have another one!" How do you say, "well I've actually been trying for years!" Without making it awkward? Comparison really is the thief of joy. 

-I actually did start seeing a fertility Doctor about 7 months ago. (I've taken breaks during that time.) She hasn't found anything terribly wrong. There have been a few problems, but nothing that should be making it this hard. Seeing a fertility doctor can almost be worse than not seeing one. The roller coaster of emotions each month can be even crazier. The medications and hormones I was on made everything heightened. Plus, you get even more excited that this will be the month, and even more disappointed when it's not. 

There were some other factors that were involved too, like dealing with Paxton stuff through this, but I'm sticking with infertility on this post. 

So, there is most of the background, and now here is why I want to share it. I 100% know now, without a doubt, that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that His plan for me will always be better than my own. I had some very dark, questioning days where I wasn't sure about that. But I know now more than anything that it is true. It's taken me some time to get to this place, which is mostly my fault, but I'm here. Here in this place doesn't mean all my worry for the future is gone. It doesn't mean my faith is perfect now. It DOES mean that I can be happy and work on becoming a better person. 

The change in me started at church one day I heard something along the lines of: Trust in the Lord. He is always the answer. 
I felt like I wasn't getting answers, but maybe that was my answer. Turn to Christ. Later that night I was talking to my sister who understands my infertility struggles and I said, "I just have to find a way to be happy whether I have more kids or not. I can't keep riding this roller coaster. I have to find a way to be happy." 

 The next week at church, conveniently, the discussion was about how the Lord's plan may not be our plan, but His is better. I got the distinct impression again that if the Lord only ever gives us two kids then I still need to be happy. I need to trust in the Lord. I need to have a good, full life no matter what. Trust being the important thing I had been missing. 

There has been a change in me since then. Have I been perfect? Nope. But I have come a very long way in a short amount of time. I've started doing the things I need to do to be closer to God again. 

My faith and hope for the future is back. I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will be again any time soon. I know I have a lot more time for that to happen. My timeline is something I have clung to and need to let go of. I still want to have more kids. I am on the fence about continuing with fertility treatments. I probably will take some time off from that. I'm taking some time to get back to where I want to be spiritually and emotionally.

Some good things that have come from all this? 

I made a best friend and we bonded over some of the toughest things we've had to go through. She is also struggling with infertility and understands my pain like others never will. She has definitely seen me in my worst moments and loved me anyways. I will love her forever and am glad we got to be so close. 

I once again realized that I have the most amazing husband ever. He has dealt with some serious crazy this past year, and he's stood by me through it all. His attitude all along has been that he's grateful for our two perfect kids, and if we have more that's great. That attitude annoyed me at times, because I needed him to want it as much as I did. However, I realize that one of us needed to stay sane to help the other one out. His outlook all along has been where I have finally arrived. I love my husband.

My love for running has deepened. I have always loved running, but this year it has been my therapy. I depend on my runs now and love that I am able to just get out there! I have had some crying, praying, begging, and lots of laughing and joy on those runs. 

You have to go through the hard stuff to get to the really good stuff right ;) This probably would have made me roll my eyes not too long ago, but now I'm going with it! I can also look back at that time and recognize those times I was supported by my Savior even when I didn't quite deserve it or notice. 

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If I haven't been the person you wanted me to be this past year, I'm sorry. I got very caught up in my own problems and got very selfish. I didn't really see past my situation. As much as it seriously sucked, I think I had to go through it. It's taken some time to get me humble. 

I'm thankful for those that still hung in there with me. I'm thankful for those that listened to me without judging. I'm thankful that I continued to go to church through that rough time. I'm thankful to my Savior for loving me no matter what and knowing who I really am instead of who I was choosing to be. 

From here on out I'm going to try and trust in the Lord and His plan for me. (Someone remind me I said this if I start getting crazy again! Haha jk!)

Thanks for reading my post. Getting it out into words always helps me heal. I have always believed that sharing experiences can help others. I have been helped by others' words. I have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and know that I can be forgiven. I believe we can all become who we were meant to be if we trust in the Lord, and that person will be a million times better than the one we can think up!