For Those Members Who Feel Like They Are Living in a Secret World

I am a thinker tinkerer - someone who takes things apart mentally to see how they work. My wife doesn't care how something works, as long as it works - so she doesn't spend time and effort trying to see how it's constructed. Each approach works for each of us. I don't try to get her to examine the details, and she puts up with my analytical mind. I find a way to make it work, while she allows it to work as is. Together, we make a really good pair, since we don't expect to approach anything the same way - but both of us are focused on the fact that it works in the end.

I hope that isn't painful for those who are at odds with their spouses. It's just how my wife and I are, but I think the general principle of recognizing that all of us see things a little differently is important. If all members realized that, I think there wouldn't be a need to worry about being treated differently or have "secret worlds" in which we live. We would be much more open with and protective of each other. However, that recognition is not an easy thing - and differences can be scary and insecure; hence, secret worlds.

For what it's worth, although I don't feel like I have the type of secret world I have heard others describe, I certainly don't share all of my opinions and beliefs with everyone - since I know not everyone would be able to accept them. I have certain help I can provide due to my callings over the years, but, in the performance of those callings, I have to be very careful sometimes in order to be accepted as someone who can help. I still correct people when incorrect doctrine is taught or espoused, and I still share thoughts and ideas that definitely are outside the mainstream, but I have to be very, very careful how I do so - simply given the fact that I have not represented myself in many meetings I have attended in my life.

So, in a very real sense, I do have a "secret world". In my case, however, I accept that as an unavoidable aspect of my callings, so my secret world is different than most others.

To Be Less Envious

My New Year's Resolution this month is taken from Alma 5:29 - to be less envious.  The actual verse reads:

Behold, I say, is there one among you who is not stripped of envy? I say unto you that such an one is not prepared; and I would that he should prepare quickly, for the hour is close at hand, and he knoweth not when the time shall come; for such an one is not found guiltless.  

Obviously, if I am to be less envious at the end of this month than I am now, I need to understand exactly what that means.  I am planning on addressing various aspects of this verse throughout the month, but, as generally is the case with my resolutions, I turned to the dictionary first to see what "envy" actually means:

a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc. 

 

Based on this definition, it appears that being less envious involves being more content with my own life and avoiding assigning a value to that life (and individual elements of it) in comparison to others' lives.  It appears that envy is based on over-emphasizing those areas where I have less than someone else and under-appreciating those areas where I have sufficient for my own needs - or, in some cases, perhaps even more than someone else.  

What struck me is that envy seems to be a by-product of ingratitude - as well as the belief that my life would be better and I would be satisfied "if only" I had more (fill in the blank).  It is placing a need for comparative, outward success ahead of personal, inner contentment.  It appears to be a manifestation of an internal lack of peace - and indication that someone believes happiness and contentment and peace and assurance and self-worth are attainable through the acquisition of material things - or social status - or any other aspect of life that is measured in comparison to someone else.  

Finally, it hit me that envy can apply to anything in any area of our lives - including our church lives.  Someone can envy others whose children appear to be happier, more docile, more independent, more spiritual, more active, more whatever than mine - or a couple who both are active and believing, if one's spouse is not a member or is inactive - or a local leader simply because he or she is a leader - or a parent if someone is single or married with no children - or any other part of belonging to a community.  

 

Ironically, envy also might be manifested in surprising and counter-intuitive ways.  Someone with seven kids might envy someone else with two their apparent peace and simplicity of life; someone with lots of money who is never home might envy someone with much less money but more time to spend with family; etc.  Envy is personally defined, perhaps more than any other characteristic I have considered as a New Year's Resolution, so the biggest part of my resolution this month will be self-reflection and introspection to determine in what ways I truly am envious. 

Receiving God's Image Doesn't Destroy Individuality

I saw a very profound, short statement on the wall of a high school I was visiting yesterday, and I thought how it applies to my New Year's Resolution for this month.  It said:

You were (created) as an original.  Don't become a copy.

 

First, I absolutely LOVE this quote in and of itself, regardless of its application to my New Year's Resolution.  I understand and accept the need for communal conformity to certain, minimal standards; I really do.  However, at the most fundamental level, I am a unique child of God - and that uniqueness is important to me. 

What struck me about this quote and my resolution is that too many people see Zion as total uniformity / unanimity / homogeneity.  They see "being united" as being indistinguishable from each other in any important way.  They see becoming "perfect" as becoming exactly alike in every way.  At least, that is how they appear to believe, based on how they act toward those who are different than they are.

I disagree. 

My favorite General Conference talk of all time (as my children will attest, while rolling their eyes and exclaiming, "I told you so!") is Elder Joseph Wirthlin's "Concern for the One" - and the part that resonates the most within me is the analogy of the multiple instruments and harmonies that are necessary to create a beautiful orshestral sound.  Everyone playing the same instrument all the time - or even different instruments but the exact same notes at the exact same time all the time - even when technically mistake-free and precisely is NOT beautiful music; at best, it is a beautiful melody.  (At worst, it is soul-less.)  All kinds of very different instruments playing intricate harmonies, counter-melodies and even varying rhythms in synch with each other and with passion and expression . . . now THAT is beautiful music. 

I am reminded of the description of the body of Christ in 1 Corinthians 12 - where each and every part is said to be as important and critical as any other. 

Truly, there is a need for some kind of uniformity and communal standardization, but we were created as originals.  We can't allow ourselves to become copies.

The Mutual Sickos We Really Are

If those who don’t understand our suffering never see it, they never will understand it. 

 

I know it is painful to expose suffering, but please don’t rob others of the only way for them to understand - unless doing so really is beyond your current ability. If that is the case, increase your ability through becoming more Christ-like - then expose them to it again so they can have another chance to understand.

“Life is pain, Highness,” carries much more import and power than comes across in the movie. Too many of us cover our warts, because we assume nobody else is as hideous as we are - because the make-up they apply to hide theirs works better than ours. I wonder how many others around us in the pews have warts they are hiding, as well - because they are sure we don’t have any and are scared of being seen as hideous by us. What a vicious cycle.

Again, I know it is painful (incredibly so, sometimes) to remove the make-up and go out in public amid the perfectly coifed in our jammies and hair rollers - but sometimes letting others see our warts is the only way to help others reveal theirs. We can’t help each other heal until we collectively recognize and admit our illness - until we see each other as the mutual sickos we really are.

Purer Hands - Cleaner Heart - Image of God

I've really struggled with how to begin framing my focus for this month's resolution, which is:

Have a purer heart and cleaner hands, and project more the image of God. 

It's not that I don't have any ideas about what those things mean, since I've written about each aspect in previous posts, but I have so many thoughts that are fighting for order in my mind that I've struggled to figure out how to start.  So, I am going to ask again for input from everyone who reads my blog in an attempt to sort out my thoughts and decide how to construct my initial focus for the upcoming week. 

With that introduction, I am asking a straightforward question:

What does it mean to you to have a "purer heart" and "cleaner hands" - and to "project more the image of God"? 

I appreciate any insight you can provide. 

Charity Seeketh Not [Only] Her Own [People]: Those Who Hate You

Thus far this month, I have focused on charity not seeking her own in the sense of being willing to serve others rather than pursue her own desires. I discussed the ultimate example of this by examining the statement of Jesus that says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

I want to shift gears slightly and discuss seeking not her own in light of a passage in the Sermon on the Mount - and discuss a paradox when considering that passage and two common statements quoted often in the LDS Church.

The first passage is Matthew 5:43-47, which says:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

This passage talks about loving, blessing and praying for enemies - and those aspects are quoted and discussed often in the Church. However, the part that is not quoted or discussed nearly as much is the part that tells us to "do good to them that hate you".

There is an important distinction between the first category and the second command. Loving, blessing and praying for are things that can be done alone, away from those in question - those who are enemies, those who curse you, those who hate you and those who misuse and persecute you. Doing good to someone is different; it cannot be done alone. It must be done WITH those whom you would avoid naturally. In other words, you must interact with others to do good to them.

This flies in the face of two other common statements:

Be in the world, but not of the world.

Abstain from all appearance of evil.

The first quote (which, by the way, is not scriptural as quoted) generally is used as a justification to avoid sinners. My only point is that all of us are sinners, so this usage, in practical terms, is to avoid sinners who are different than we are. Obviously, this has particular application to those who curse, hate, despitefully use and persecute.

The second quote is perhaps one of the most misunderstood scriptures in the entire Bible. In its original usage, it does not mean to avoid anything that even looks like evil - that appears to be evil. Rather, it means something like the following:

Abstain from evil no matter its appearance - no matter how it looks.

I bring this up specifically because I have heard it used to justify all kinds of things that keep us from doing good to our enemies - and even to those who are nowhere near our enemies. The focus is not on avoiding anything that someone else might perceive to be bad, but rather to avoid that which truly is evil.

If I am a Home Teacher, and if one of the people I Home Teach is only "available" when he is in a bar, should I go into that bar to visit him? If a woman is walking home in the pouring rain and I have the ability to help her, should I refuse to do so simply because someone might see me and jump to an incorrect conclusion? If someone has misused me in some way, should I refuse to interact further with him? Can I really be in the world and not at least "appear" sometimes to be "of" the world - doing good to my enemies if I never interact physically with them?

In conclusion, I believe that if we are to internalize charity fully, at some point we must be willing to step out of our comfort zones and interact directly, in some way, with those who fight us, curse us, despitefully use us and persecute us. We can't become truly charitable in isolation, and we can't become truly charitable through only an intellectual understanding of it. At some point, we simply must LIVE it.

"Church Dress" Isn't That Simple

I believe how we dress for the meetings we attend is about respect - and an understanding of the nature of the particular meeting/gathering in question. It's also about recognizing that there is no "one standard" when it comes to attire, specifically because clothing is an expression of culture. I believe we should uphold a worshipful standard for our worship services and a "minimally acceptable respect" level for all of our associations (meaning inappropriately immodest, revealing, suggestive, etc. clothing is prohibited in all instances).

In my own case, I used to wear a full suit with white shirt whenever I was attending the normal block of Sunday church meetings and other instances where I was representing my Priesthood leaders, specifically because I had been asked to do so by my direct Priesthood leader as a result of my calling at the time. I often wore dress pants and a polo shirt to the non-public leadership meetings I attended when they were in the evening and I went there straight from work - because these meetings are administrative, not for worship. (I "dress up" when I can, but I don't drive miles out of my way to do so.) I often wear jeans and a t-shirt to fellowship dinners and ward or stake functions and to teach with the missionaries - because these are gatherings of friends that are not "church-related", per se. If I was involved in missionary correlation meetings Thursday night in our ward, I would show up in jeans or slacks - whatever I was wearing at the time.

Too many times, people equate any meeting arising out of our callings or relationships at church as "church meetings" that require "church dress". Imo, "church dress" is a misnomer, since there are widely varying reasons and purposes for meetings and, therefore, widely varying models of appropriate "church dress". I reserve "Sunday dress" for direct worship and those meetings where I have been asked to dress in the same manner. Everything else is a step below that; therefore, so is the way I often dress.

Doing Unto Others - When They Are Liars or Otherwise "Undesirable"

With our family's move this week, I haven't had much time to consider my resolution for this month. However, I have had an interesting experience since we arrived in our new home town that has made me think about it in an interesting light.

We arrived Wednesday evening and unloaded the car and van, leaving the moving truck to tackle on Thursday. I opened the truck late Thursday morning and started taking out the smaller stuff - the things my kids and I could do before anyone else arrived to help. As we started unloading it, a boy pulled up on his bike and offered to help. He said it was his father's birthday - and that he would like to earn a little money to get him something. I sensed right away that the kid was lying - that it wasn't his dad's birthday, but I also sensed that he was lonely and didn't want to be home. Therefore, I told him he could help - and he pitched in and worked hard for a couple of hours.

He has been back each day since to help some more, and I have become convinced that he is a reflexive liar - and also that he can be mean to kids who cross him. I also have become convinced that his home life is not very good. The interesting thing to me is that despite these feelings, I also am convinced that I don't want to stop him from coming over and associating with us. I sense a goodness in him more fundamental than the other stuff.

I got off the phone a few minutes ago with someone in town we met when we were house hunting, where I explained about this kid. Her immediate response was, "He's a thief and a liar and has a mean streak. Don't let him be around your kids." The conversation confirmed what I had felt, but as she described him I had a sudden flash of insight into my resolution this month to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. My thought was:

"How would I want someone else to treat me if I were this young man? Would I want someone I had just met to shun me because of my reputation? Even more importantly, if I likened this situation to the Gospels, what kind of story would be told of how Jesus would have interacted with this young man?"

I am debating internally exactly what I should do - exactly what I should say to this boy. I am wavering between a couple of options, but I know that I can't shun him and send him away. First, that's not what the DeGraw Hotel is about; second, I can't get past the feeling that this young man is redeemable - that he is a child of God and needs to have someone treat him as such.

In the end, I want to do unto him properly - and I think I know how I am going to do that. I pray I will be inspired - that what I decide to do will help him. At the very least, I am grateful for my resolution this month, as it has prompted me in this case to see the worth of the soul in someone it appears others have written off as undesirable - at the ripe old age of 12.

We Believe the Bible, because of the Book of Mormon

I have heard people claim that our use of the Book of Mormon somehow denigrates the Bible. That is ignorant hogwash. Mormon was very clear in his statements that he edited the records in his possession and created the Book of Mormon to do two main things: 1) bring people to Christ; and 2) convince people of the truthfulness of the Bible (the record of the Jews). When I read his own words, especially in the last chapters of his own "book", I simply can't see Mormon claiming that the Book of Mormon is more important than the Bible. Rather, I see him begging people to take the Bible seriously and accept it as a testament of Christ's divine mission.

Moroni continued this supplication. In one of the most under-analyzed verses in the entire Book of Mormon, he sets the stage for his final invitation to pray by saying:

"Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts." (Moroni 10:3)

Think about it: He "exhorts" people to "remember" things that are not included in the record he is compiling - or, at least, included only tangentially by reference. He is asking people to use a desire to know of the validity of the Book of Mormon to base their "pondering" on a remembrance of the mercy of God as recorded in the Bible. Without the foundation "score" that is "settled" in the Bible, Moroni's entire invitation lacks foundation - and the spiritual condition he feels is necessary for an answer to the subsequent prayer is not fulfilled.

Removing the Masks We Wear to Church

In Mormon Masks (Mormon Matters), Hawkgrrrl describes social masks and discusses how that concept is applicable at church. She then asks:

"Is this a particular problem in the Church?"

The following is my response:

Absolutely, but it’s a problem in any organization or society. It is the “natural (wo)man” - a self-protection mechanism that is as ingrained into humanity as any other natural inclination. Our particular challenge in church, I believe, is to recognize it as such and rise above it - to change it (repent) by an active exercise of will. (to act and not to be acted upon)

The “fault” is two-edged: 1) those in the majority who actively reject the minority for believing things differently; 2) those in the minority who hide themselves and passively reject the majority for believing things differently. In the end, it really is the same action - and the justification on each side is also the same. Each type tends to blame the other, and neither type tends to take the initiative to change the natural situation.

In “Concern for the One”, Elder Wirthlin articulated clearly that some leave active participation and lose faith because they act, think or feel different than others - and he told the majority that it was their responsibility to love and accept the minority for who they are, NOT for who the majority might naturally want them to be. He said that every voice (every instrument) needs to be heard, NOT that every member should learn to play the piccolo (or piano - *grin*).

I believe we will become Zion only as we let go of the need to wear masks - and I believe the primary responsibility for this lies not with those who feel different but with those from whom they feel different. Yes, the "one" needs to be engaged actively, but the "ninety and nine" need to love and accept the "one" for that to happen. The biggest problem in this regard within the Church is NOT the gay member, or the illegal immigrant member, or the politically different member, or the bearded member, or the colored-shirt and no tie member, ad infinitum. The biggest problem is the fact that those distinctions are drawn in a way that excludes those members from the fellowship of oneness with the saints. Although those who are excluded might share a portion of responsibility for being excluded, as often as not the primary responsibility lies with those who do the excluding.

I believe ALL of us wear a mask of some kind that covers varying degrees of our true selves from others. Before we condemn or even judge others in any way, we need to remove our own masks, become vulnerable and experience the fear others feel on a regular basis. I think if we do that the tendency to judge and condemn and drive others away will disappear - and we will have a chance at truly building Zion.

God is Good

Knowing good beats looking good. Always.

Doing good trumps knowing good. Period.

Being good encompasses knowing and doing good - but is so much more.

Becoming better is the object of mortality.

Ultimately, becoming fully good is the object of eternal existence.

Truly, God is good.