My Own Bucket List

I loved the movie, "The Bucket List." I had seen it one time previously, but it was better the second time, since I knew what was going to happen and could focus on the smaller details I missed the first time I watched it. It also allowed me to consider thoughts and conceptual things that struck me for the first time, and those insights were powerful for me.

The first epiphany was something quite simple. The very concept of a bucket list is a product of relative privilege and luxury. People who can consider a true "bucket list" (things they have reason to believe they might be able to do, as opposed to things they simply wish they could do in an ideal world) are able to do so due to some kind of privilege or luxury from their current and previous lives. Financial considerations are the best example of this disparity, since more concrete, objective goals often have an accompanying price tag, while poorer people usually are forced to focus on things that are more conceptual or subjective. In fact, many people don't have the luxury of even considering the concept of a bucket list, since all their energy must be focused on nothing more than survival. 

For example, in the movie, Edward’s list was about seeing the world, which was possible only because he was abnormally rich. It included, “Go on a safari,” “Visit Stonehenge,” “Sit on the Great Egyptian pyramids,” and “Drive a motorcycle on the Great Wall of China.” Conversely, Carter’s list was full of things like, “Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world,” “Witness something truly majestic,” “Laugh until you cry,” and “Find the joy in your life.” The differences in their buckets lists could be explained as nothing more than their individual personalities and perspectives, but it is not adequate to ignore the impact of financial success and security on those personalities and perspectives. Edward was able to record practical goals that were expensive to accomplish specifically and exclusively because he had the money to make them happen, while Carter was constrained by his limited resources to goals that were not attached in any way to financial cost and which were far more subjective.

The second thought was much more personal and enlightening. My own father would fit Carter’s character almost completely. Except for the element of race, which was a legitimate, major contributing factor for Carter, my father’s life mirrored Carter’s in nearly every way. My father gave up his professional dreams to marry my mother, then he did it again, 14 years later, to give her the support she needed to deal productively with her schizophrenia. He had eight children, specifically because my mother wanted as many kids as possible, even though he knew it would increase his responsibilities exponentially. He intentionally moved from financial security to serious poverty for his wife’s sake, and, as a result, he changed irrevocably the content of what he would have included on a bucket list.

In fact, even more fundamentally, he gave up the notion of creating a bucket list and made his own life his bucket list. He lived specifically and intentionally for his wife and children, giving up nearly all aspects of pure, undiluted individuality in the process. Watching this movie reminded me that I have come to read one particular Biblical verse differently as a result of coming to understand my father's sacrifice: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

This verse doesn’t say that he "die" for this friends; rather, it says that he "lay down his life" for his friends.” There is an important difference between those two phrases. Just as Jesus, of Nazareth, set aside whatever life he had created prior to the age of 30 to begin his ministry to the people of his area, my father set aside the life he envisioned, twice, to begin his own personal ministry to his wife.

I see that same example in Carter. He lived his life for his wife and family, and he lost himself in a real and practical way. Edward offered him a chance to focus on himself again, and, initially, Carter accepted that offer. Eventually, however, he realized that the life he had established was more important than a practical, tangible, measurable list of dreams – as much as he enjoyed living those dreams. Edward didn’t improve Carter’s life in any way, ultimately, except in helping him regain the joy of his former life of self-sacrifice and service.

Meanwhile, Carter literally changed Edward’s life. The things on Edward’s bucket list that matter the most in the end were the things Carter had added, especially, “Find the joy in your life.” That joy wasn’t in the grandiose, fancy, and expensive; it was in the personal, intimate, and costless gift of his daughter and granddaughter.

That is my takeaway from this movie. Bucket lists are enticing, and, for those who can afford to fulfill them, they can be enjoyable and fulfilling to a degree. However, the most meaningful bucket lists are what people live as a direct result of their normal, daily, steady lives. I have chosen a life path that probably will not afford me the temptation to create a bucket list like Edwards, even if only in theory and not actual cost, but that chosen path has given me a multitude of experiences like Carter’s bucket list. Perhaps more than anything in my life, I am grateful for that particular way in which I am my father’s son.  

Beauty through Suffering

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. 

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Be a Light Others Want to Understand

We do not draw people to Christ by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.  

- Madeleine L'Engle 

"The Church" Is Different Things to Different People - and to the Same Person at Different Times

I think it's important to determine (at any given time) what "The Church" is to each of us - but also be open to the idea that "The Church" actually is different and often competing (or even opposite) things for different people - or for us at different times. "The Church" really is an amoeba in many ways.

For example:

"The Church" is global - but, in a very real way, "The Church" is local even more so than global for many people. Some people leave "The Church" due to things that happen at the local level much more than over things that are taught at the global level - and they make claims about "The Church" that mystify members who have not experienced those things in their own local "The Church". The difference in many cases is so extreme that each person, attending "the same church", speaks about "The Church" in radically different ways.

To be more focused, for some people, "The Church" is the hypocritical Bishop or Relief Society President who preaches love and respect from the pulpit and attends the temple regularly but abuses spouse and kids in the privacy of their home - while, for others, "The Church" is the Christlike Bishop or Relief Society President whom they love and revere. For some people, "The Church" is the overly-strict and controlling parent, while for others, "The Church" is the mean drunk who changed his life completely after conversion and became the astounding parent who is an example of redemption and repentance. For some people, "The Church" is the judgmental neighbors who refused to let their children play with the non-member children in the neighborhood, while for others, "The Church" is the family who befriended and loved those who were very different.

Most of us have no power to have a significant impact on the global LDS Church, but we have enormous potential to impact (positively or negatively) our own local LDS Church - both in how we view it and in how others perceive it.  May we be good examples of the believers, even as we struggle to overcome our own weaknesses and limitations.

Self-Reliance in Adulthood; Safety Nets in Childhood

A friend of mine was talking once about wanting to experience things on his own and reach his own conclusions - that he didn't want to "rely on what others say".  I understand that sentiment completely, but I look at a bit differently.

There are some things that I don't want to experience and am fine "taking someone else's word for it".
For example, I think I know myself well enough to avoid beer and cigarettes because of their addictive qualities and my tendency toward addictive behavior. (blogging? - *grin*)  My family is multi-generational Mormon, so I don't have a lineage I can look at and see if alcoholism runs in our genes - but I'm VERY wary, given what I do know about the disabilities that do manifest in my ancestry.

Granted, that's not precisely "taking someone else's word for it" at this point in my life, but it certainly was in my earlier, formative years - and I am very grateful for that, since it possibly kept me addiction-free until I could understand myself well enough to make that decision for myself in an informed, intelligent manner.

So, my summary:

Absolutely, I want to make my own choices and not rely strictly on someone else's word on most things - but I also believe all of us accept the need for a reasonable, safe foundation of "someone else's word for it" until we are mature enough to craft "our own word on it".

We Are Responsible, Largely, for the Experiences of Others at Church

[Normally, I would proivde a link to a good post from somewhere else today, but I felt impressed to share this memory, instead.  I hope that decision was inspired - that this post touches someone, somehow today.]

There was a discussion in a leadership meeting I attended once that centered on the question of why members left the Church and what we could do about it. I knew how it probably would go naturally, so I piped up right at the beginning and said that most of the people who have left with whom I have talked personally mention being bored and feeling unfed at church - and that the best thing we can do, in my opinion, is to make our services and classes and meetings at all levels and of all kinds more spiritual and more spiritually filling.

As I expected, there was an initial, immediate reflection of that onto the people who don't come prepared to feel the Spirit (as if it's their own fault for not feeling fed and feeling bored), but the conversation eventually ended up focusing on the "standard" idea that everyone needs a friend, something to do and nourishment with the good word of God. I agreed and simply pointed out that it is up to the leadership of each ward and branch to set the example of nourishing with the good word of God and insist that the membership do that, as well, to the best of their ability.

This is one issue where I agree completely with the "standard Sunday School answer". Everyone needs a friend (someone with whom s/he can talk honestly and openly without being judged or condemned), something to do (to not feel like a nobody and to serve others) and spiritual nourishment (thoughtful, uplifting, enlightening, spirit-directed teaching and sharing). One is social; the next is active personal; the last is spiritual.

If all three of these things were provided to every member, there still would be issues - but they would be much fewer, far between and less serious. So, my advice to everyone is simple:

If you want to deal better with some of the things that cause you to struggle at church, be a real friend to someone at church, find something to do at church that is important and meaningful to you (whether that is an official calling or not) and provide nourishment of the good word of God to those who need it (including yourself outside of church time, if you aren't getting it directly at church from others).

We Must Embrace Living in the World

I think it is a problem when we see and define ourselves predominantly based on the opposite beliefs and lifestyles around us. This means that we tend to generalize “others” as “different” - rather than seeing that many “others” are very similar in many, many ways. Often, we really are more alike than different - even though we almost always are and should be unique and "peculiar".

Too often, we think we need to be able to “preach the Gospel” to "heathens" or "Gentiles" - when we often need to do nothing more than ask people to share in our lives - to invite them into our social circles and fully join theirs, as much as possible, with no expectation other than friendship and fellowship and mutual edification.

I get a bit frustrated sometimes at how we tend to use the term “doing missionary work” - as if, somehow, sharing the Gospel is separate from our daily lives - something we have to set aside time to do. If we simply were more willing to talk about our lives openly and un-self-consciously without worrying about conversions, I believe the acceptance (and eventual conversion) would come much more naturally. We just let ourselves get in the way too often.

I think the insularity that too often defines us in others’ eyes would disappear to a large degree if we more actively sought out others with similar lives and concerns. Sure, we still might feel out of place and awkward in bars, but we would feel right at home in many settings where we feel out of place and awkward currently. We try to be “not of the world”, but, too often, we don’t live enough “in the world”.

Righteousness: "Being a Good Example" is Not Enough

Years ago, when I was serving as the Ward Mission Leader, it struck me one day that there are members who say the most important thing they can do to share the Gospel is to be a good example. I believe these people are missing something - a fundamental understanding of the world around them that is absolutely critical to sharing the Gospel.

Of course, it is vital to be living the Gospel to the best of our abilities in order to share it. Of course, living the Gospel is of paramount importance - and, if one thing is to be done, living it is better than talking about it. However, the idea that “just being a good example” is enough to “share the Gospel” and attract others to the Church is fundamentally flawed and actually dangerous, since it misses two critical realities of this life.

1) There are numerous people of all religions and denominations who live their lives in accordance with the basic principles of the Gospel - whose lives are examples of true Christian discipleship in every objective measure, even within non-Christian religions. Many of these people are closer to being truly Christ-like than I am. Joining them is important, but it does NOTHING to distinguish us from them - especially if . . .

2) People generally have no idea what religion someone else is unless there are obvious outward signs or that someone tells them. In my area, for example, if I am a wonderful example of Christian discipleship, most others will assume correctly that I am Christian - but not one of them (OK, maybe one or two) will assume I am Mormon. In fact, the vast majority probably will assume I am not Mormon, due to their misconceptions about the Church. So, in a very real and powerful way, my silent example of Christian discipleship actually will reinforce their negative view of Mormonism and harm the Church.

This is one case where “living the Gospel” cannot be divorced from openly proclaiming our membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is important to be a good example, but that example must include “opening our mouths” and including our allegiance to the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. We cannot be just another example of spirituality; we actually must share what we have in order to be righteous ("right with God").

Our Father Knows Us Better Than We Realize

Our best friends in Alabama - our closest friends in our married life - called today to give us an update on their lives. When we finished crying, I immediately thought of how well the Lord knows us - so much more than we sometimes realize.

To understand, you need to know Dave and Sybil. They are from Panama; she is half Hispanic, with all the stereotypes of gregariousness and gaiety that come with that heritage; they were high school sweethearts; they have been married for about 25 years; they are only a few years older than Michelle and I; they are adult converts; they have seven children; he is hard-working, humble, self-deprecating, highly intelligent, patient, thoughtful and sincere; she is one of the funniest, most charming, outgoing, bubbly, spontaneous individuals this world has ever seen. She lights up the world around her wherever she goes. It is impossible to be down around her. She is energy and light and joy incarnate.

She has leukemia.

She was diagnosed last year - a total shock to everyone. For the last year, she has been receiving chemo in AL and Houston, TX. The treatments seemed to be working, but they learned yesterday that the cancer has come back. She has been given a 30% chance of recovery.

I talked with Dave this morning, and he told me the news. He also shared a few thoughts that humbled me - and helped me realize again how well Heavenly Father knows His children.

He received a blessing years ago that he remembers vividly to this day. He was sick and asked me to give him a blessing. In that blessing, he was told that he would be healed miraculously - and that he would recognize it as it happened. He said that following the blessing he literally could feel the illness evaporating from his body - in a tangible way that he cannot forget. That experience taught him clearly that miraculous healings can occur.

They also faced the very real possibility of losing their youngest daughter during her first few years. During that time, she received a blessing, and, while she was not promised healing, the blessing left them with a peace that they couldn't describe. They knew that whatever happened would be God's will - and they knew that if their daughter died they would mourn her loss but have the reassurance that they would see her again. She survived the ordeal, but he learned another, separate lesson about the power of the Priesthood.

All of this brings me to this morning. This humble man told me that he had never forgotten the blessing I had given him (that he had received through me) so many years ago, and as he considered his wife's condition he had the distinct impression to see if I could join him in Houston in a couple of weeks to give Sybil a blessing. He knew I cannot afford it right now, so he told me he would pay all the expenses - even though her illness has sapped their reserves. He told me that he was not expecting a miraculous healing - just that he wanted to do everything in his own power and then turn it over to the Lord, trusting again that whatever happened (whatever was promised in the blessing) would be His will. He told me, "I want my wife to live, but if that is not His will, I want to feel the same peace I felt when my daughter almost died. If I have done all I can do, I can turn it over to Him and accept whatever He chooses."

Dave has no idea whatsoever that my resolution this month is to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. He has no idea that part of that resolution is to seek out and pray for opportunities to give Priesthood blessings to those who need them. He has no idea that his request gives me this special opportunity in the exact month of this very specific resolution. He does not know what this taught me today. I will share it with him in a couple of weeks, but he has no idea how grateful I am for this lesson.

God knows my resolution. He knows me more intimately than I can imagine or understand. I know my New Year's Resolution for this year was inspired, but I wonder today if He gave me that inspiration in advance - knowing this is the first New Year's Resolution I have made in many, many years - knowing that my friends would need to make this call - knowing that I would need to understand more fully that He knows me completely and intimately - knowing that I would need the extra assurance from a grieving husband that he is confident that whatever I say in a few weeks will be God's will. It is humbling to be taught such a lesson in such a situation, by someone who should be receiving comfort but is giving it in a way he cannot understand. I simply hope and pray that I can provide the same type of comfort to them that I received today from them - that our Father knows us and is mindful of us and has a more active role in our lives than we often realize. With that knowledge comes peace - and that is what Dave and Sybil need so desperately right now.

True Examples of Faith: Let Us Not Be Complacent

The following link is to a post by someone I admire greatly. I am less concerned with the final paragraph and the comments about it, as I am deeply touched and inspired by the examples described throughout the post. Sometimes, we take SO much for granted that it is easy to become complacent.

Watching Conference link

Lessons of the Spirit

There was a lady in Sapporo (Japan) who had been meeting with the missionaries for almost two years, while simultaneously attending another church and listening to their lessons. By the time my companion and I started teaching her, just about everyone thought it was hopeless. We would teach her something; she would attend the other church and meet with the other missionaries; we would meet again and do nothing the first hour but go through the scriptures answering the questions they had given her, then have a few minutes left to teach the Gospel; the cycle would repeat over and over again. Each time, we asked her to pray about it, but they kept telling her she couldn’t trust what she might feel - that she could trust only what her mind would tell her, while they kept her mind confused and in turmoil. It was frustrating to see how miserable they made her, and we often wondered if we should move on to someone else - but each time we prayed about it we felt good about continuing to teach her.

My companion had been out only a month, and his Japanese was . . . really, really bad - to be charitable. One day, as we rode our bikes to her apartment, he asked if we just could read from the scriptures with her - not answer any questions or teach anything new, but just read. He said he had felt impressed to do so, and it felt good, so I agreed.

We started in the Bible and ended up in the Book of Mormon reading 2 Nephi 31. After we had alternated verses with her throughout that chapter, she asked us to stop while she read it again (the entire chapter) silently to herself. When she finished, my companion asked me to translate for him as he simply said, “Sister S, would you like to be baptized?” As soon as I had finished translating for him, she burst into tears - and the Spirit was as tangible as I have ever felt in my life. (Given some of the miraculous things I have witnessed, that is saying something.) When she was able to speak, she said something like, “Now I know what the love of God feels like.”

She was a sweet, honest woman, so she told the other church members of her decision. They immediately sent eight members over to her house, forced their way through her door and spent eight hours belittling us and the Church and her witness - refusing to leave as she begged them to stop. When they finally left, she booked a flight to Tokyo for the next morning in order to escape what she knew was coming the next day. She returned two weeks later with the following story:

She had called her aunt and uncle, who were like second parents to her - and whose judgment she respected more than anyone else she knew. She didn’t know how to break the news of her testimony to such devout Buddhists, so she didn’t say anything - until they cautiously told her Sunday morning that they were going to church later that day at the Mormon Church where they had been baptized two months previously - and that she didn’t have to go with them since they didn’t think she would understand their decision. When she told them of her experience, they burst into tears - amazed at what had happened.

Obviously, as soon as she returned to Hokkaido, she was baptized.

That experience taught me so forcefully that it isn’t the missionaries who convert. Of course, we need to know the Gospel as well as we can, but Sister S wasn’t converted because we had been able to answer her questions and “convince” her we were right. We HAD been able to answer her questions through the scriptures, but it hadn’t converted her. That came through a simple meeting where we read scriptures with her, something touched her heart, and a humble, sincere missionary who couldn’t teach the Gospel in Japanese well enough to convince a three-year-old asked her if she wanted to be baptized. He didn’t “challenge” her; he simply asked if that is what she wanted. It literally changed my perspective of missionary work - ironically, by humbling me to be able to accept what my parents and leaders had told me all my life.

I am SO grateful that I was called to serve in a foreign speaking mission, because I’m not sure I could have learned that life-altering lesson teaching in a language where I would have been tempted to impress investigators with my vocabulary and what I thought at the time was a solid understanding of the Gospel. If that had been my only memorable experience during my entire mission, it would have been worth it.

Amazing Conversion Stories

I know and respect the people who wrote these stories. Please go to the links below and read them, as well as the comments on them.

Click this link

Now click this one

Now this one

A Tribute to a Good Samaritan

Please go to Times & Seasons and read my re-post of something our son, Brett, posted on his blog yesterday. It is entitled "Today, I Lost My Faith in Humanity." (I cleaned up the language a bit for those who don't want the full linguistic brunt of his ire on his own blog. *grin*)

The Good Samaritan applies not only to the half-dead. I'm sure God cried for the man in the story, but I am just as sure that His heart swelled with love and fatherly pride for Brett. I have never been prouder of one of my children than I am at this moment with him.

Click on the link below:

"Today, I Lost My Faith in Humanity."