2016

Here it is. Have been so long. Time flies fast. From single to double to tripple. Alhamdulillah.

I didn't expect my life would be this way.

I was once had a dream. Which is to further my study. But Allah's plan is way better.

I got married at the age of 24 which means last year.

This year, Allah gave me a cute baby boy. Born on January 11th.

Married with a man that i never met, it was his mother who wanted me to befriend with her son.

It all started in the year 2013, the year when i started my life as a worker after graduating my diploma.

On that year, after working a few months, there're some people asked me if i had anyone in my life, and my answer was no. I thought it was a joke, but it became a serious question after i ignored so many times. At last, his mother himself called me at one night.

What a shocked. His mother wanted me to know his son. And then i told my mother. What should i do. My mother said, if he's a good man and son, just accept him. Do istikharah. And i accepted him after thinking so long.

I accept him with my heart not fully really accept him. Hmm okay. We did message several times before engaged. But never met. Our first meeting was on engagement day. But never spoke. We're just looking each other. "Shy shy cat". Haha. It was just like that.

We got engaged for a few months before our wedding day. But, we never spoke and met each other. Anything we had the questions, we just replied messages.

And then, it was a wedding day. On February 19th, i officially became a wife. It was our first time do speak each other.

I didn't know how my feeling was. But truly, Allah's plan is a better plan. I planned to further my study after getting experiences for a few years. But, in the middle of my life journey, Allah made me to get marry.

And here, i had a little family of my own. May Allah ease everything. This is not yet a happy ending.

*siapa pun kita, di mana pun kita, jangan lupa Dia.

183/365

Dear people,

O you please read this. Hmmm.

Terasa hina, terasa kerdil diri ini. Adakala tak patut diri ini merungut. Sepatutnya belajar bersyukur setiap masa, namun apakan daya diri ini yang mudah jatuh.

Ya sememangnya manusia mudah jatuh. The only way is going up and up, again and again. Dan aku kena belajar untuk suka, dan aku perlu sedar kenapa Allah letak aku dalam bidang itu. Dan aku kena belajar untuk terima.

Dan, sepanjang berada di dalam wad itu, kebanyakan pesakit masih muda, belasan tahun, dan lepasan SPM. Yang tua tetap ada k.

Jika ditanya pada yang lepasan SPM, aku suka tanya, "Dik, sambung mana belajar?"

"Tak dapat kak, result tak elok."

"Politeknik?"

"Tak dapat jugak."

"Form 6?"

Geleng-geleng kepala sahaja.

"Dah lepas tu nak buat apa? Nanti buatlah rayuan balik. Usaha gitu." Sambungku bla bla bla sambil buat  prosedur mencuci luka.

Ada yang jawab, nak buka kedai, ada yang jawab mengarut dan bergurau (mungkin untuk menyedapkan hati) siapa tahu kan.

Dan aku tertanya-tanya, manakah tempat mereka di dunia ini? Pernah kurasakan ketidakadilan manusia dalam membezakan manusia bijak dan manusia kurang bijak. Sama seperti membezakan yang kaya dengan yang miskin.

Aku pulang dari kerja, masih tertanya-tanya, apakah nasib mereka. Kau tak bijak, kau tak boleh sambung belajar. Lumrah kut kehidupan ini. Hinakah mereka? Kelemahan mereka mungkin dalam akademik sahaja, tapi kelebihan mereka kita masih tak nampak.

Kita yang masih dapat sambung belajar, dapat pekerjaan, dapat jawatan, ingatlah itu kesenangan sementara di dunia sahaja. Kita boleh bergembira tapi ingatlah, bila Allah nak tarik, sekelip mata sahaja Allah akan tarik.

Mereka itu, terasa terbuang, memanglah benar pepatah ada mengatakan siapa yang berusaha pasti berjaya, tapi siapa yang tahu, sejuta kali pun dia berusaha, kalau Allah kata tak nak bagi lagi, Allah takkan bagi. Kita tetap kena ingat, semua benda yang kita dapat ni dari Allah.

Kita meracang, Allah tetap merancang, dan sebaik perancang adalah Allah. Tapi kita lupa. Kita tewas dengan lambakan hiburan dan perhiasan dunia.

Kita tak tahu, mereka yang tiada tempat untuk menyambung pelajaran itu adalah lebih baik dari kita. Kita tak tahu kelebihan mereka. Tapi sayang, kita cuma pandang mereka orang yang tidak berpelajaran. Kita pandang sebelah mata.

Sebab kita sendiri yang tak nak tolong mereka. Dan lagi sedih, aku sendiri tak mampu nak tolong. Maafkan aku, aku cuma mampu doakan untuk mereka, semoga mereka menjadi anak yang soleh dan solehah.

Ingatlah, jika bukan di dunia, akhirat itu pasti menanti.

"What if we were in the same shoes with them? How do you feel? Just feel it"

"If", a word that kills. If only you understand.

72/365

I never expected it would be like this.
The way i expected would be easy, becoming harden for me.
This is the reality.
This is a test.
When i went there years ago, i found people i'd known to be hated.
And then, i turned to another page, i found people "speaking" like they knew me really well.
At last, i'm turning back to where i found people i have never known, but, they did speak and listen and feel the same way as who i am.

tq. praying for all of you are in a good of health, and may your day be blessed.