Ask of God

January 19, 2012 was my due date for Will. Instead of getting ready to give birth though, I was finding out that i was pregnant with Adley. Will had been stillborn back in September 2011. As I was in labor and delivery awaiting the birth of yet another baby who would not be coming home with me, the nurses,(knowing my history), suggested that I should just stop trying. And I was in full agreement with them. At that point, I had lost more babies than I had kept. So the next morning, we went home empty-handed and tried to make the most of things. I had decided that I couldn't allow myself to go through something like that again. I would settle and be happy with the 3 children I had with me. About a month later, I considered that perhaps I should include God in my decision making and planning. I fasted and prayed to know if my family was complete. I received an overwhelming feeling that there was just one more. So on that January morning, instead of being sad that it was supposed to be the day of my baby's birth, I took a pregnancy test and (apprehensively) rejoiced at the sight of those two little lines. I got on my knees and praised my Heavenly Father for this gift, but expressed my fears to Him. He whispered, "Everything will be alright." My fears didn't cease. I wasn't sure that my definition of 'alright' was the same as His. But I went forward in faith. Every doctor's appointment was filled with anxiety. At what point is THIS baby going to die? Imagine my elation when on September 11,2012 I went into labor and had a healthy, living, breathing baby girl in the wee hour of the following morning...just a year after Will (I like to call him 'God's Will'). I have 4 angel babies in the world beyond this one. And while it was incredibly sad to lose them, I am so excited to be reunited. I am so grateful that I know they are always ok...but really, BETTER than OK. And a little bit of me is sad for people who don't have an angel baby or two (3,or 4) waiting for them beyond the veil. If you are ready to give up on ANYTHING, ask of God first. He may have other plans.

It’s 1986

It’s 1986 I’m in 2nd grade…Mrs. Jones’ class- my favorite teacher of all time. She writes a word on the board: APPLAUSE. “Class? Who can tell me what this word is?” My hand shoots up with a confidence I had never known before or since. She calls on someone else: “Applause” they say. I sink down in my chair, grateful she didn’t call on me. I was CONVINCED that word was “Appaloosa”- those spotted horses. I have not and will not ever raise my hand in class again. Fast forward roughly 35 years. I’m sitting in Primary behind my daughter who is just slightly older than I was then. The teacher asks a question. My daughter raises her hand with the same boldness I had all those years ago. I lean forward and ask (whispering) “What are you going to say?” (Because in my mind, I can’t stand the thought of her being wrong. It would embarrass her. Or would it embarrass me?) She whispers her answer to me. I think she’s right. But there is about 1% doubt in my mind. So I whisper back to her a different answer that I have less doubt about. (The question has multiple correct answers). The teacher calls on her and my daughter gives the answer I just fed her. It is correct. Then another child gives the answer that my daughter thought of all on her own….ALSO correct. She looks over her shoulder, kinda glares at me. Shame comes over me. I have just conveyed my fears over to my daughter. And my nine year old thinks she is smarter than I am. Mostly because she is. She has just showcased a courage that I haven’t had in many years, and I just attempted to diminish it. I have embarrassed myself- in front of myself, all over again. And also once again, I am the only one who knows it. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night. It’s 4 am and I am sitting here writing it all out. I can’t help but question: how many other ways do I screw up my kids? An infinite amount, I’m sure. Many instances, I am not even aware of. I'm trying not to feel too guilty about my failings. I have done the best that I could do with the knowledge I have obtained. But these instances are eye-opening. They cause me to be aware of things that I need to change. My kids all have their own fears. There is no need for me to multiply their fears by my own. I honestly do not think that it would have bothered Adley in the least to have given the wrong answer (although she was right anyway) but it would have bothered me and it shouldn't. I'm like everyone else: a work in progress and I appreciate opportunities for growth.

Eat More Chikin

So, most of you know that our family moved out here to be chicken farmers....:Yes, it is just as glamorous as it sounds. And while I’m not going to stand up here and act like I go out and work in the chicken barns everyday, I have spent enough time in the barns to have learned a few things. First, I have learned that chicken farming stinks. It smells just about as good as you might think it would. Second, I am grateful to be a vegetarian. Now, before you go making assumptions, just let me clarify that I am not some tree-hugging, hippy, PETA member. I have been a vegetarian my whole life. As the saying goes, “The sins of the parents should not be answered upon the heads of the children”. I’m kinda kidding. My mom and dad are here today. Anyway, you will never catch me discouraging others from eating meat. In fact, as the Chick-Fil-A cows say “Eat More Chicken”. Next, in the movie “Forrest Gump” you may remember a floating white feather. In real life, floating feathers are neither romantic or cinematic. They are disgusting nuisances that you want to try and avoid getting in your eyes. Now here’s another movie reference: in the movie Mary Poppins (the first Mary Poppins, the original Mary Poppins, the only real Mary Poppins) She makes a statement that goes something like “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.” …….She is a liar. Chicken farming is not always easy. It’s not always hard. But it’s NEVER fun. But, in these experiences I have learned that I can do hard things. I can do GROSS things and at the end of the day, I feel good about the work that I’ve accomplished. President David O. McKay said “The privilege to work is a gift. The power to work is a blessing. The love of work is success.” I’m still trying to learn how to love working. On the day that we receive baby birds, they are looking for their mothers. So they will flock to anyone who comes in the barns. The barns are around 90 degrees so Greg likes to tell people that he’s surrounded by hot chicks. Kidding aside, the birds are instinctively looking for someone to nurture and protect them. 3 Nephi 10:6 reads “How oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, if ye will repent and return to me with full purpose of heart.” We need to learn to be like these newly hatched chicks, searching for the great protector; Jesus Christ. Out of the 300 some thousand birds we get, there are some that are runts and they just don’t grow like the rest of them. One day I walked into a barn and found one of these little guys stuck on his back (they call this “turtling”.) There was a much larger chicken just standing over him and looking down. I gently flipped the little guy back over onto his feet and he took off. But I was so mad at that big chicken who was just standing there watching the little one suffer and doing nothing about it! Sometimes I can be like that big chicken. I see others struggling and yet I sit back and do nothing. Mostly because I’m not always sure what to do to help someone in distress. I want to strive to not be a “Bird Brain”, and get to work helping out those in need. It’s imperative that we have the companionship of the Holy Ghost to help us know what to do to uplift others. A quote from Joseph Smith states “Salvation cannot come without revelation; it is in vain for anyone to minister without it. This is the principle on which the government of heaven is conducted-by revelation adapted to the circumstances in which the children of the kingdom are placed.” So with the help of the Holy Ghost, we can help those around us who may be “turtling” There is usually a lot of commotion in the barns. Between the clucking, flapping of wings, feeders running. Sometimes we have so much racket around us that we can’t hear or listen to the Holy Ghost. We should be setting aside some quiet time each day to listen to what our Father in Heaven would like us to do for His children-and then follow through with the promptings we receive. Elder Uchtdorf stated: “Often the Holy Ghost speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart. To better hear His voice, it would be wise to turn down the volume control of the worldly noise in our lives. If we ignore or block out the promptings of the Spirit for whatever reason, they become less noticeable until we cannot hear them at all. Let us learn to hearken to the promptings of the Spirit and then be eager to heed them.” As the birds get bigger, it’s more difficult to maneuver around them. I can yell at them to move and they may shuffle a bit, but I’ve found that the more effective method to get them out of the way is to shake something large over their heads. This reminded me of the quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson: “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” Our actions can be far more compelling than just words and perhaps this is most true when it comes to parenting. There’s that other quote that states “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary use words.” We share the gospel with our children most effectively by simply living the gospel. A few weeks ago, Adley took a piece of the sacrament bread and then she whispered to me, “That was hard...but it was good” That statement pretty much sums up parenting: It’s hard, but it’s good. The HARDEST thing I’ve ever done in my lifetime, but also the BEST part of my life. I think that before I became a mom, I subconsciously thought that my kids would inherit mine and Greg’s good qualities and that any flaws that they would have would be ones that I could easily relate to and handle. I didn’t expect that they would each have different struggles and some of those struggles would be things that I didn’t have any experience in. I’ll give you an example of this. Greg and I are not “Snoozers” meaning that when our alarm goes off, we get up and out of bed. Even as kids, neither of us gave our parents trouble in that regard. So imagine our surprise when 3 out of our 4 kids do not want to get out of bed in the morning. Like ever. This is just one of the many things that I wasn’t prepared to deal with in parenting. Something else that I struggle with is comparing my kids to other peoples’ kids. And also, feeling like my friends and family members are comparing my kids to theirs. What we have found is that all kids have their own “Brand” of stupidity. In fact, all people have their own brand of stupidity. Our old Bishop in Springfield, Sean Breckenridge made a statement once that I think about often. He said, “What if each of our sins had their own odor?” What if everywhere I go, people can tell what my sins are based on my smell? There are some things like smoking and drinking that have a distinct aroma. What if pride, greed, gluttony, lust, wrath, slothfulness and all other sins each had their own funky smell. I’m pretty sure that I would probably smell like a chicken barn. So I shouldn’t judge my friend because she sins differently than I do just as I shouldn’t judge her kids because they have a different brand of foolishness than mine do. With very few exceptions, the hundreds of thousands of birds that we have each flock are pretty much identical to each other. They were engineered to be that way. Every once in a while you may find a gray or red chicken or some really messed up ones and the occasional runt, but for the most part, they are mostly all exactly alike. And what they are are a bunch of stupid chickens. Going back to what I’ve been talking about, I often get this brainless mindset that I can’t love somebody until they are just like me. And yet, if everyone were just like me, what we would have is a world full of stupid chickens. It is ignorant for us to feel like we can’t fully love our kids until they are just like us. It is unreasonable for us to look at others and feel like we can’t possibly be friends because they are just so different. What if the Savior felt that way about us? What if He said “I will only love you when you are just like me?” All of us would be unlovable, unworthy, hopeless. Luckily Christ doesn’t treat us this way. He was always reaching out to those who were nothing like Him. There was never another person like him and yet he loved all. He loves all. The “Come, Follow Me” curriculum has been life-changing for me. Every week, I can find a way that the lesson applies to me and what I’m dealing with in my daily life. I know that the manuals were put together by inspired men and women. I’ve been using a YouTube channel to accompany my personal study. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to look up “Don’t Miss This” on YouTube. Subscribe to their newsletters and print off their study guide. I have never felt more close to my Savior as I do this year studying the New Testament, watching the videos and receiving personal revelation. I am starting to gain a glimpse of the love that the Savior has for us. We learn of his teachings, his grace and his miracles. Last week, I loved the parable of what we have termed “The Prodigal Son”. This young man disgraced his family by asking for his inheritance while his father was still living. He then went out and spent it all in a reckless manner. Once he hit rock bottom he came up with a plan. He was going to go back to his home, find his father, admit his faults and unworthiness and then ask to be made a servant. The father had been watching for his son to come back and when he saw him far off, he ran to him and kissed him. The son begins to go through the steps that he had prepared in his mind, but it was almost as if the father didn’t listen to a word of it. He asked for a robe and a ring and shoes to be placed upon his son. He ordered that the fatted calf be butchered and prepared for a grand feast. A party of epic proportions was then underway. The father had forgiven his son even before an apology was made. How many of us would have stood back and said “Well...let’s see what he has to say for himself”? But this father was just so happy to see his son that none of it mattered. The boy had come home expecting to be made a servant and instead was treated like royalty. In our journey to our Father, all that is required is a desire to begin. He will meet us where we are, kiss us and rejoice in our return. I’m so grateful that I made that choice to begin my journey to my Heavenly Father at age 19. He met me where I was and extended his love and forgiveness to me. I’ve never felt anything but love from him. I really think that it’s the adversary and the judgement of others that make us feel unlovable and unworthy. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love my Savior. I love that I get to raise my children in the church. To quote David Butler from one of the Come Follow Me lessons, “If your heart doesn’t want to throw a party when you hear the gospel, then I don’t think you’re hearing the gospel.” I love that. And for the first time I really feel like my heart wants to have a party. The gospel of Jesus Christ is something that we should be excited about. It’s something that we should try and get others excited about-especially our children and families. Families are forever. We have a living prophet on the earth. We are led by revelation from God. I am so thankful for this knowledge that I have and I share these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Naner is Nine

My little guy turned 9 this week. He wanted an ice cream cake which was fine with me because they are easy peasy to make. This gentle giant is funny, sensitive, sweet and well-liked. Zane is somewhat a math wiz. He loves bowling, golf, and riding his bicycle. His initial birthday wish list included the following : A new set of scriptures with his name on them and a rechargeable toothbrush. That's it. With Noah's help, he extended the list. Noah bought him a giant Giga Ball. He got some board games, clothes, and money. And my friend Laura picked him up a new set of scriptures with his name on them at the St Louis distribution center. Zane also received three tickets to the St. Louis vs. Springfield Cardinals game tonight. He is taking his dad and brother and they are all super excited.

Pinewood Derby

Wednesday was our Pinewood Derby. Last year, Zane just threw the wheels on the block and raced it without doing anything to it. This year, he decided that he wanted to built an actual car with his dad and try and win. Greg is pretty handy and was determined to build a winning car. He followed the same design as the one he built for Noah (which won a couple of years ago). The hard work (and extra money) paid off and Zane won every single race he was in. Our Zaner got first place and felt pretty good about it. So happy for him...and Greg.

Rubik's Cube Romance

Last Friday Olivia was late getting in to the car after school. She was floored by what had just happened to her and as soon as she got into the van she told us this story: A boy in her class had been wanting to ask her out for the last few weeks. She knew this and so she had been carefully avoiding him. He was waiting for her outside of class and said he needed to ask her a question. Then he was really fidgety and awkward and finally started by showing her some pictures on his phone. Inside the albums were pictures of Rubik's cubes with letters "solved" in the middle. The letters formed the words "I love you Olivia. Will you spend the rest of your life with me".. and then he pulled out two more Rubik's cubes from his pocket that formed the question mark which he opened up somewhat like a ring box. She said, "Andrew, I'm so sorry but I'm already dating somebody." Which is a lie and I told her not to lie to him but she did it anyway. His chin began to quiver as he quietly put the Rubik's cubes away and said, "Oh...Ok." and walked away. Never mind that this kid is clearly a serial killer, I thought it was kind of sweet. But WHY is he asking her to SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH HIM?!?! They are 14 YEARS OLD for pity's sake. She feels really bad because of all the effort he put into it and his sad pitiful reaction. I could not stop laughing because it's just too funny. But I do have a soul so I did feel bad for the kid. She just tends to have that effect on boys. They are falling at her feet. Greg is wishing they would all just fall over dead.

Olivia's Once in a Lifetime Minneapolis Experience

Olivia went to Minneapolis the first week of March for a National Music Conference (ACDA). Her choir was one of only 3 middle school choirs in the nation chosen to come and take part in this awesome convention. She has a solo part. For their first performance, she wasn't feeling well and when it came time for her solo, she actually threw up in her mouth and not knowing what else to do, she swallowed it. It threw the whole choir off because she was unable to come in on her part. After the concert she was backstage crying hysterically. Her director found out why she was so upset and what had actually happened. He has since declared that my daughter is his hero. He posted on a Facebook Group for choral directors and the post has received well over 100 comments about how this child has so much "Grit" and that they are all blown away by her. One person in particular who was sitting on the front row, was very happy that Olivia did NOT in fact projectile vomit into the audience. The choir went on to receive two standing ovations. Apparently the members of the audience were unaware of the screw-ups. Her teacher Mr. G sent me this Meme and said that when he retires many years from now, this story will still be the best of his career.