Intsagram

Who doesn't love the Instagram App? And because my current camera roll on my phone is currently holding 805 pictures, I thought I would share a couple:

Back to Blogging!

It has been a long time since I have posted anything but I have made a commitment to keep up on our blog again. We had a good summer and decided to take a break from a lot of things and focus on our family. After having such a stressful year Travis and I are focusing on our marriage and all the things that make us happy. Of course number one on our list is Julia!

We have had some changes here at the Miller household over the past few months. The first being that we rescued a new dog. We named him Baxter and he and Kelso have become the best of friends. He fits in perfectly with our family and is just as sweet as can be. I will never have just one dog again after seeing what good companions they are to each other. Baxter also passes the important Julia test by letting her dress him up in all her princess dresses.

Another big change for us has been Julia starting preschool. She is absolutely in love with school and is constantly asking when she gets go back. I can't believe how big she is getting! Although the peace and quite is nice for an hour or so, I often find myself looking at the clock and counting down to when I can go get her. She is my little buddy and I miss her when she's gone.

We got to also visit Isaac's grave for the first time since the headstone was placed. It turned out perfect. Julia picked out a teddy bear for his grave and after spending time there and talking about Isaac she placed the teddy bear on his grave. While walking back to the car she started to cry. I thought she was having a little tender moment and thought it was so sweet but when I asked her what was wrong in true 3 year old fashion she answered, "I'm really going to miss that teddy bear." Once again she made me smile when I needed it the most.

I hope to post a few pictures here and there from our summer while I keep updating about what is currently going on with our family. But for now all I can say is overall we are happy, healthy and looking forward to the future!

Top 20 under 40!

My great hubby was just chosen as one of the top 20 people under 40 yrs old to watch in the security industry. Security System News wrote an article about him which will be published in July. I already knew he was great but it's always fun when someone else recognizes it! Here's what his work says about him being chosen

Monitronics Professional Recognized in Class of 2011: 20 Under 40

Congrats are in order for Monitronics’ Senior Manager of Dealer Development, Travis Miller. He has earned his place on the Security Systems News’ “20 under 40” Class of 2011.

With this award, Security Systems News recognizes talented young people who stand out in our industry. The winners are chosen for their hard work, ambition, creativity, and leadership, qualities that Travis embodies.

We’re happy to have Travis on our team; he really cares about our customers and looks out for their best interests:

“There’re a lot of issues with quality of work and integrity in the industry,” Travis says. “I just would like to leave my mark by being sure I’m leaving a full body of work and being diligent and having a full sense of integrity in all I do. I want people to say about me that I’m, above everything, honest.”

Congratulations to you, Travis!

Posted in: Industry Happenings

Tags: 20 Under 40, Dallas, employees, Monitronics, Travis Miller

Dance Recital

Right before her first dance recital, Julia told me that her performance was going to be incredible. I was nervous because while her friends in her class could show their mom's the entire dance and had been practicing at home, Julia had yet to show me a legitimate dance move in the 8 months she had been taking lessons. Every time I asked, she always pulled out some outrageous move that I was sure her teacher wouldn't be caught dead teaching anyone.

Julia is in the middle on the back row. Just wait for the second half of the dance.....

I love my little dancer even if her moves are all her own!! What a crack up!

Thanks Ms. Lisa for a great year!

Julia and her best friend, Sadie

Pray For Alyssa

I am needing more prayers and help for another amazing family. Heather first reached out to me through my blog after reading that Isaac had been diagnosed with T18. She knew everything I was going through all too well because she had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl named Alyssa, who also had T18. Unlike us however, Alyssa's parents had no idea that she had T18 until the day she was born. Heather and her husband went to a doctor appointment at 39 weeks to see if they could do an external version because Alyssa was breech. Suddenly, a routine doctor appointment turned into an emergency when they realized that something was wrong with Alyssa's heart. They were rushed to the hospital and that is when their world was turned upside down.

After welcoming their daughter into the world, Alyssa's parents were told to be prepared to quickly say goodbye because Alyssa had T18. She stayed 10 days in the NICU and was then sent home to spend her last days with her family. With a heart too weak for surgery, her parents had no options but to try and make her comfortable and shower her with their love.

Remarkably, Alyssa is now 6 months old.

Alyssa is a fighter and undoubtably a miracle but every day is a struggle for this sweet baby girl. She is fighting for every breath and requires around the clock care. If you are a parent, you can imagine what it would be like to watch your baby struggle for life for even a moment, let alone for 6 months. If you are a parent, you can imagine what it would be like to live every day not knowing if it would be your child's last.

Alyssa has a beautiful big sister and a darling big brother that her parents also take care of on top of a house, jobs and an enormous amount of medical bills to pay for. Heather's coworkers have graciously continued to donate their time off to her so she could stay home with Alyssa but because she holds the health insurance for their family, she will be forced to go back to work soon. To say their lives are full of stress, would be an understatement.

Despite everything going on in her own life, Heather has been an amazing friend to me. During my pregnancy she wrote me countless words of encouragement, let me ask her all kinds of questions about what it was like taking care of a baby with T18, and has let me confide in her and tell her things that I know only she can understand. She is a pillar of strength and faith and she truly amazes me. The fact that throughout her own hardships she continued to think and pray for our family, truly says what kind of person she is.

I want to help the Barlow family in any way that I can but because they live in Utah, there is only so much I can do. I am asking you to help out if you can. I know times are tough but if you are able to, please make a donation to the Alyssa Maree Barlow Fund. Maybe you could even repost their link to your own blog or Facebook? It would mean so much to me if you could please help spread the word. More than anything though, I ask you to pray for Alyssa and her family because I know firsthand that your prayers work.

Donate to: Alyssa Maree Barlow Fund

Easter

Due Date

Today was Isaac's official due date. The day that we started counting down to the moment we found out I was pregnant. Little did I know then what kind of day this would actually turn out to be. I have truly felt at peace and comforted lately but today I struggled to even get myself out of bed. I could have stayed there all day holding Isaac's teddy bear and smelling his little hat, the only one he ever got to wear. It's been a day of "what ifs" and I know it's such a dangerous road to go down but I just can't seem to help myself.

I can't help but imagine him being born today a healthy little boy. What it would have been like to feed him and rock him to sleep, to bathe him and lay him on my chest. What it would have been like introduce Julia to her baby brother. For her to count his fingers and toes and kiss his little cheeks. It's something my heart will always ache for. I know I will get my chance to be with him again, I just have to wait. Sometimes it seems like such a long, impossible wait.

Birthday

I just celebrated my 27th birthday. This year was a little painful because I am creeping closer and closer to 30! Not that there is anything wrong with being 30 so hold your comments but I just feel like I am still 17 and the last 10 years have gone by way too fast. I love any reason to celebrate though and my birthday is no exception. I got so spoiled this year!

It started out with a great date night. I love going to dinner and a movie with my hubby!

This was my favorite moment of my birthday. After days of convincing her, Julia finally realized that moms have birthdays too. She just thought it was so weird that it was my birthday. She just kept saying, "Moms don't have birthdays! That is wayyyy too silly!" In the end, she caved and sang her heart out to me. It could have just been because cake and ice cream were involved.

The day after my birthday my amazing friends threw me a surprise party!!! I was honestly so surprised too. Travis tricked me into thinking we were just running over to a friends house to grab some papers and boy was I surprised to see a TON of people when I opened the door! They planned a great bbq and we had so much fun. It was so sweet and thoughtful of them. I don't know what I would do without my friends here. They have been so amazingly supportive over the past year and I think of them all as family. We have a blast together and they always make me laugh!

Right when the party was winding down I looked over in the corner and saw that cute Drezdyn had quietly climbed up on the table and was helping herself to the rest of the cake. You're My kinda girl Drezdyn!

We also went to a John Cougar Mellencamp concert. Travis travels a lot for work and has visited one company in LA quite a bit. He has become friends with the owner and his fiance who just so happens to be John Cougar Mellencamp's daughter. Her dad was coming in concert to Dallas and they were flying into town and invited us all to see the show. I have to admit I had to do a little Googling to find out who he was. Maybe 27 isn't so bad :) I actually knew a lot of his songs but I just didn't realize he was the one who sang them. During my Google search however, I found out that he is dating Meg Ryan! Oh, how I love Meg Ryan. Who doesn't, right? So I kept telling Travis to ask if Meg would be there but he just kept laughing and making fun of me. We had a great time at the concert and we had unbelievable seats. After the concert, we got to hang out back stage and while we were waiting outside of John Mellencamp's trailer guess who was sitting there??? Meg Ryan! She shook each of our hands and introduced herself (as if any introduction was needed) and we got to chat and hang out with her for about 20 minutes. I was trying to act cool talking about the concert, the weather, etc. but I really wanted scream, jump up and down and tell her how much I loved When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, French Kiss, You've Got Mail....the list goes on and on! But I kept my composure because I am sure Travis wouldn't have appreciated me acting like a fool in front of his friends.

Eventually John came out of his trailer and we all lined up for a picture. I was the only one who came prepared and brought a real camera (secretly hoping to meet Meg). We found a guy to take our picture and everyone started handing him their phones. His hands suddenly got full and he set my camera on the ground. It took forever for him to figure out each phone and the process went on and on. When it was all said and done, I got my camera back and not ONE picture was taken with it. It had stayed on the ground the entire time! By this time Meg had gone back in the trailer. Not only that but we didn't even get a decent picture on anyone's phones. I couldn't even believe it. My one chance to meet one of my favorite actresses and I didn't even get a picture?? Man, what a bummer. But what I can tell you is she was so nice and friendly and exactly how I always pictured her to be. She looked beautiful though and not like she had gotten a ton of plastic surgery like they say and believe me I was a lookin'!

So here's the best picture we got:

No Meg in sight!

(John Cougar Mellencamp is the one in the gray sweatshirt just in case you had to google him because your 27 like me :)

T18 Awareness Day

Today is Trisomy 18 Awareness Day and just 5 and a half weeks from when we lost our Isaac. I feel very passionate about advocating for the Trisomy 18 foundation. When I was just 13 weeks pregnant and got the call from my doctor's office that my AFP test (the finger prick test) came back high risk for Trisomy 18, I had never even heard of this disorder. To be honest, I had no idea I was even tested for T18. We immediately dove into researching everything we could about T18 and the foundation website became a place where we could connect to other families, learn about what might be in store for our baby and find comfort in knowing someone was there advocating for us.

I will never forget when we sat across the table from our doctors and asked them, begged them to do whatever it took to help our baby. They sadly looked us in the eyes and told us there was nothing that could be done. The only option that was given to us was terminating the life of our child. In a world where doctors can stop hearts to operate on them and babies are given surgery while still inside the womb, not one thing could be done for my baby.

I wish nothing more than to prevent another parent from hearing those words. I wish nothing more than to cure those precious angles who survive birth and are fighting for their lives every day. I pray that I will be able to see this in my lifetime but so much more research is needed. 1 in every 3,000 live births are affected by T18. It can happen to anyone. If you can, please visit the foundation page to learn more or to donate towards research.

Cole

We have witnessed the undeniable power of prayer and service over the past months. We have had strangers reach out to us, pray for us and help us in ways we never even imagined were possible. Now it's our turn to send out the message to pray for another family in need. Please go here and meet Cole. His parents are wonderful friends of ours and they could really use your prayers right now.

There is nothing like a three year old to help you keep life in perspective. That's just what my Julia does. She keeps me laughing, smiling and carrying on. Our days consists of tea parties, painting, dancing and nature walks. The perfect cure for a mending heart. I am blessed to have her. Oh, so blessed!

Four weeks ago today, angels surrounded us as we welcomed our little miracle into this world. I will never forget what these moments were like. I feel blessed to have felt heaven so close.

Photography by my dear friend Danielle. creativelychicphotography.com

Grief

Now that I am home from Utah and there are no more doctor appointments, no more kicks inside my belly and no Isaac in my arms..... I am truly understanding what it means to grieve. There is a new "normal" that I am trying to find and while doing so I am climbing my way up the mountain of grief. It's been said that grief is "the toughest job you will ever have" and now I understand why. It's a process that takes time and I am sure in someways, it will take a lifetime.

It is comforting to know that I am never alone in this process. Although each path up the mountain is different, there are other parents that have come before us and they have indeed made it to the top. Both Travis and I hope to keep writing about our healing in hopes that it may help someone else. We have found great comfort and support in other parents who have lost a child and hopefully we can give that same comfort and support to someone else.

More than anything though, I know I am never alone because the Lord is always by my side. Not only is he always there but he actually carries us through our "toughest jobs"

Here is one of my favorite songs by Hilary Weeks.

He'll Carry You

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn’t face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he’s never left your side

He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He’ll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he’ll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

He hears you when you’re crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

My Son

My son was not strong by any measure of man.

But his song I will sing whenever I can.

It sounds of truth and rings out of grace,

removing the veil and revealing God's face.

My son was a picture painted bold and bright.

His life throwing color on world's canvas of night.

The subject unfolded, a new stroke each day.

Until brought into focus was true joy's way.

In the least likely place and hard to explain.

Joy was found in the midst of the pain.

The awe of a life and the wonder of birth.

My son was a gift of unspeakable worth.

His heart could not hold his song came to rest.

And I am left with no son to hold on my chest.

My son was not strong by any measure of man.

But his song I will sing whenever I can.

So ask of my boy, consider it no bother.

When I tell of my son I tell of my father.

-------------------------------------------

This poem was written by Matthew Mooney, another father who's son was lost to Trisomy 18. It touched our hearts so much that we decided to read it at Isaac's funeral service. Again thank you for all the love, support and prayers throughout this experience. Ashley and I couldn't have done it without you. We love you and thank you very much! God Bless.

Isaac

Isaac Henry Miller came into this world on February 8, 2011 at 8:54 pm. He was with us for only a moment before he returned to our Heavenly Father. He was tiny and perfect in every way. Our time spent with him was sacred, life changing and full of more love than we could ever have imagined. We thank you all for the overwhelming love and support you have all shown us. We feel our Savior's love surround us as we try to mend our heavy hearts. Thank you for your prayers.

Love,

The Miller Family

Jules

My Julia has been my saving grace during days where grief and fear overwhelm me. She makes me laugh and is so full of personality. She is so different than I was as a child. I was pretty quite and submissive and I clung to my mom. Julia on the other hand is loud, outgoing, fearless and likes to be independent. Many people have described her as "spunky" and I couldn't agree more. Here are a few of my favorite recent quotes from her:

"Mom, I can't sing because I have a little iguana in my throat." (She meant frog in her throat)

"I think armadillos and owls are very interesting because they don't poop." I have no idea where in the world this came from but I haven't broken the news to her that they do in fact poop.

"I think Isaac will eat popsicles and popcorn in heaven." Melted my heart.

While brushing her teeth with our toothpaste instead of her toddler toothpaste she said, "Wow, this is sure spicy!"

All she wants for her birthday next month are Twinkle Toe shoes. You know, the shoes that have glitter and rhinestones all over them and they light up. Yeah, not my style but much to my dismay I can't talk her out of it. We recently saw them in the store and she ran and hugged them and said, "These are just SO stylish!"

Somedays I think she is turning 3 going on 12. There is never a dull moment with her and I love her to pieces. She always seems to know just when I need a good laugh or just a hug and kiss. I simply don't know what I would do without her.

On the beach in Florida last September.

Road Warrior

"All the things you probably hate about travelling -the recycled air, the artificial lighting, the digital juice dispensers, the cheap food- are warm reminders that I'm home". - George Clooney, Up in the Air

This seems to be my life as of late. So far in January I've flown over 14,000 miles, visited 7 airports, and have spent 12 days on the road. In short, I miss my family!! Although I'm complaining not all of it has been bad. Last weekend I went snowmobiling with a dealer in Yellowstone and this weekend I'm snowboarding in Oregon with another... could be worse, right?

Traveling has been a little easier with the use of FaceTime. Ashley and I both have iPhone 4's and it's been a blessing to be able to chat with my girls while I'm away. The best part of my day is when Julia see's my face on the phone and yells, "Daddy!!!!".

Thanks Ash for putting up with all my traveling lately... I promise all of these frequent flyer miles will go to a good use soon.

Thanks

We don't say it enough so I wanted to take the time this evening to say thanks to everyone that has supported us through these trying times. I know it has been difficult for some, especially at first to call, write or visit but know that your love has made this process easier. Thanks to the families that took us in for the holidays. As Ashley mentioned in earlier posts, it wasn't easy news to hear that we couldn't travel home for the holidays. Your company and love eased the pain and made the holidays memorable, thank you for that.

Ashley is currently 27 weeks along and baby Isaac is still defying the odds. Every day that passes is truly a miracle and we continue to pray for the opportunity to meet this special boy. We are excited and proud to have our first son! It's weird how I've spent that past 3 months pretending to be strong to protect and comfort Ashley and our family but recently have become so vulnerable and weak. Please continue to pray with us for a miracle. We pray for strength, guidance, healing and time on this earth with our son everyday.

We're coming in on less than 90 days until Isaac's due date and reality is starting to settle in for us. Often times babies with Trisomy 18 come early so we're praying for more time so Isaac can continue to grow and become stronger.

Thank you for your prayers, we love each and every one of you.

Christmas and Courage

Christmas this year was wonderful for us. I was so sad when doctors told me I wouldn't be able to travel home to Utah for the holidays but I eventually got over it and it ended up being a wonderful time for Travis, Julia and I to be together. We decided to take a break from all the doctor appointments (2 weeks off is huge for us) and just try to enjoy the season. It was a time of reflecting on our Savior's birth and the blessings he brings to us. Our home was so full of love and happiness. Julia was so cute this year and it was truly a magical time for her. There is nothing like watching your child on Christmas morning. We hung a stocking for Isaac and he even received presents from friends and family. On Christmas Eve, I remember staring at our 4 stockings as I felt him kick inside me and wishing more than anything that time could stand still.

A few days after Christmas, my parents came to spend a week with us. Being away from them during such a trying time has been so hard. It was so good to spend time with them. I feel lucky to have such amazing, supportive parents. We had so much fun and Julia was in complete heaven. It was hard saying goodbye knowing the next time we saw each other would be when Isaac arrives and hopefully they would make it here in time to meet him. It was a tearful goodbye.

Now that the decorations have been put away, all the visitors have left, and life is back to usual, the reality of what is to come in 2011 is setting in. I have never been so afraid of the future. Just days ago we met with the team at the NICU to come up with a plan for how to treat Isaac when he is born. It was an appointment I had been dreading for months. My heart was pounding as I walked into the hospital. I tried so hard to prepare myself for this but my emotions took over. We sat with doctors and talked about things no parents should ever have to contemplate. We had to decide how hard we are willing to fight for our child's life. How much suffering will we watch him endure? I was in tears within minutes of the meeting and couldn't talk the remainder of the time. I was so angry and disappointed with myself. I often feel judged by the medical community because I know most of them don't agree with our decision to not terminate our pregnancy. I always try and stay strong in front of them to show them we can do this, that we have made the right decision (which I know we have) and that Isaac is nothing but a blessing. This time though, I completely broke down. I couldn't even breathe. It was as if the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't believe I was sitting in this room discussing the likelihood of my baby not being able to eat. How did I get here? How was this happening to us? The meeting ended with business cards being passed to us and nurses giving their condolences. Then, Travis and I were left alone to hug each other and cry.

Tonight as I laid Julia in bed and ran my fingers through her hair I was reminded of how much I will be missing out on with my sweet Isaac. I have so much faith in my Heavenly Father and I know that there is a purpose for all of this. I know we are blessed to have this sweet baby as a part of our family but the past few days I have been struggling. I am angry and there are times I don't know how I will ever get through this. The future seems so scary and unbearable. I pray for courage, strength and peace because I know I have no choice but to get through it. I pray I simply survive 2011.