I Needed a Laugh, So Just In Case You Do Too I'm Posting This

This is an email of "Not-So-Deep-Thoughts" that I got a while ago. I came across it again today and re-read it and thought it was hilarious, so I thought I would share. Enjoy.

> • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

> • More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

> • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

> • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

> • I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

> • The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

> • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

> • There is a great need for sarcasm font.

> • Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the *** was going on when I first saw it.

> • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

> • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

> • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

> • I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

> • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

> • A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

> • Was learning cursive really necessary?

> • Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

> • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

> • Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

> • My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

> • Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

> • How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

> • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a *** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

> • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

> • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

> • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

> • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

> • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

> • I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

> • Bad decisions make good stories

> • Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

> • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

> • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

> • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

> • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

> • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

> • There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

> • I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

> • "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

> • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

> • While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

> • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

> • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

> • When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

> • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

> • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

> • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

> • Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

> • It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

> • I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

> • I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

> • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

> • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my right cheek everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

> • My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

> • It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

> • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

> • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

> • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

> • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat chubbo before dinner.

Abbie is PERFECT, and Mom's on a learning curve

Since I started this blog a couple of years ago, I've been lucky to get more than 3 comments on a post...I was pretty sure that those 3 were the only ones who read my blog. So the response to my last post is something that was not expecting and am VERY grateful for (but then again, anything Abbie-related is a lot more interesting than my usual posts).
When we brought Abbie home I started keeping a log of when she ate, for how long, when she slept, and for how long, and diapers. Not long after I made my last post, I was reviewing this log and noticed a couple of patterns (I guess I just hadn't seen them before that point because they weren't the patterns I was looking for or expecting to see). I realized that Little Abbie had a routine of her own and it was one I could work with. Its a funny little routine, and as I've described it to other friends that have kids they seem a little surprised by it.

EX:
Wakes at 4am, eats at 4am & 6:30 am, awake till about 7am then goes down for a nap
Wakes at 10am, eats at 10am, 11:30am, & 12:30pm--usually dozes, or is wide awake between feedings, awake till about 1pm then goes down for a nap
Wakes at 5pm, eats at 5pm, 7pm, & 9:30pm--usually pretty awake in the evening, awake till 10, goes down till about 3am or 4am.

She doesn't really have a schedule--meaning things don't happen at the same time every day, but she does seem to have a routine going--meaning the time between events is pretty consistent. We've had days where things have been completely thrown off, but even that has been good because it gives me a chance to see how she handles her routine at that point. The most consistent aspect of her routine so far has been the 5-6hr stretch Doug and I get at night--last night she went down at 9 and woke up at 2:30 this morning. The number of times she eats per day also seems to be pretty significant for her. She always eats 8 times per day, and more often than not they last between 25 mins-35 mins.
Sometimes she does want to sleep longer, and in that case--because I have a pretty good idea of how it will effect the rest of everyone's day I can make a pretty good call about whether to wake her up or not. And if I do decide to wake her up, I've learned how to recognize the times when she is in a part of her sleep cycle that's lighter, so its much easier to wake her up. The best way to wake her up, though, is lay her down in her bassinet and go get in bed yourself ;)! But we've also started to have a lot of fun with the times that she's awake. Instead of holding her the whole time, we'll lay out a blanket on our bed and let her lay there and kick and look around and "play". As soon as we started that she started making the cutest noises--I feel like she's talking to us, and we have fun talking back.
I'm not usually one to take advice in an "all-or-nothing" sort of way. I would consider myself to be more of a "pick-and-choose" type, but somehow with Babywise I got myself so worried that if I didn't do one aspect of it another aspect wouldn't work, and that if I didn't do it all right away we'd establish a ton of "bad habits". And all of this is so new to me; I don't want to "screw up", and I don't know what causes a "screw-up". But all of the great advice I got in everyone's responses it gave me the courage (lame as that sounds) to try my own thing...and its working pretty well. I'm positive things are not set yet--she could change all of this today! And there is ABSOLUTELY a lot left for me to learn. But at least I've got my head back on about how to work it through. Thank you so much all of you!!!--for your insight, experience, and willingness to share. It helped more than you know.

Babywise...help...

So many good friends of mine have said that Babywise was their life-saver. I finished reading the Babywise book back at the beginning of October. I really liked and agreed with the majority of what the author had to say and totally want to do it with Abbie. My sister-in-law--who has done it with her two little boys--said that she never started it with them until they were 3 weeks old. I thought that sounded like a good idea too. So what I decided I would do was go for the full feeding every time (like the book recommends), and make sure that I was feeding her 8 times/day for the first 3 weeks of her life, and that would be all. I thought that once she was 3 weeks old we'd be half way to the schedule that would save our sanity. But the more I get to know my Little Abbie, the more problems I foresee with implementing Babywise.
For starters, I have to listen to her cry...[In the hospital there a time when the nurses were taking both mine and Abbie's vitals at the same time. Abbie was crying and my blood pressure shot up to 154--Just to put that into perspective, a person's blood pressure is considered "high" at 140 and through my whole pregnancy my blood pressure was somewhere between 116 and 124.] I get so anxious hearing her cry. I just want to hold her and soothe her and make everything better. Clearly that would be a problem for me so, I asked some friends how they handle it when their little ones cry. The best advice I got was to give it 15 mins and see how Abbie is at that point. The other day I thought I would test it just to see if it would work for us the way it had worked for my friend. So I changed her, fed her, burped her, gave her 15 mins of "wake-time" and laid her down awake and in a calm...15 mins later Abbie started screaming, and continued to scream for 25 mins before I couldn't stand it anymore. A couple of days after that I tried it again. I got her all ready and comfortable and put her down...and she screamed for over 30 mins before I turned into a marshmallow and went in and got her. The moment someone picked her up she would stop crying (and usually fall asleep in our arm about 20 mins after being picked up)
Then there is sleeping. Once Abbie is asleep she is asleep. It has taken me over 40 mins to wake her up for her next feeding. So she ends up sleeping longer and not only is the schedule thrown off at this point, but she has now gotten more sleep than planned and isn't tired enough to be put down for the next nap. So she stays awake for the full time between feedings and by the time I feed her again she is sooo tired that she falls asleep in my arms(at least I think that is the problem, or part of it).
So this post is me reaching out...asking for help and advice. How long did it take all of you to get your little ones into a groove? Should I be concerned about this not working so well yet, or is it too early to worry? Any ideas on how to handle what's going on?...help...