Wow. Has it really been a year?

I just had a lengthy but meaningful conversation with some of the most precious friends I'd met in University. We talk about careers, life and relationships. And I've never been more clear about my idea of love.

Love is such an intangible and irrational concept yet you can feel it prickling your skin. It can encompass you with warmth and infuse your being with a swelling burst of emotion. It makes you happy. But most importantly, it makes you a better person. It reinforces your soul.

Love is not controlling. It's accepting and understanding that your lover is free. It's not oppressive and it's not restrictive. It's realising that whatever your lover does, they're open to making mistakes. And in the end, you'll be there waiting after the tears and the heartbreaks and the pain. Because love is amazing and it forgives. It triumphs.

Love makes you feel like you're not giving up on something you had when you were single. It makes you realise that sharing your life means there will be mutual compromise. But never at the expense of losing yourself and your identity.

Love includes faith in the future, belief in your togetherness and desire in creating new chapters that weave two distinct halves into an imperfect yet beautiful whole. But when that faith turns into blind faith and all that is left is a ghost of that love holding your relationship together, then it is time to open your eyes and emerge from the fog.

There is a thin line; there is a horribly fine boundary that when crossed too many times, even love needs to step away. When too many reasons are given to justify, when deep down you just know something is wrong and a supposed love is masking the destructive hold over you, please be brave enough to walk away.

Because I love you, and I know you love him, but it is not enough to stay. And I can only hope that you would see it one day.

Shopping with J was tons of fun! I played the Ferrari game on her spanking new iPhone and her pay came in so it was good. She treated me to yoghurt and we bought accessories! I've also set my sights on a gorgeous pair of heels which I did not rashly buy because of my newly found maturity ha ha ha. Even though earning money basically means I can pretty much spend on what I like, the usually dormant rational part of me tells me saving or finding a cheaper alternative might be a better choice.

It'll be funny if I purchase those heels on my next shopping trip ha ha ha.

Then at night I went to meet F, L and A for dinner at Clarke Quay! A and L weren't hungry so they only ordered like a chocolate milkshake and tiramisu respectively while F and I basically ate like horses. L even gave me half of his tiramisu! Suffice to say I was super full but happily so, then we went for drinks! The live band was actually pretty all right. It was a really fun night. I will miss A when he leaves forever. :( I can't believe it has been two years since we went to Japan together.

I seriously don't understand why Christians (namely the Protestants) like to emphasise on how people who are suffering "need the Lord" or anything along those lines. Let's take the recent natural disaster in the Philippines as an example. Why would God create a destruction and wreck the lives of countless people? If he's the one who created it in the first place, why would we even place our trust and faith in him? Why should we?

I managed to find my old tagboards and reading all those tags really tugs at my heartstrings because of the nostalgia. :( 2007 was the last year we all spent at AHS together and we were happy and almost carefree. Now in 2009 I hardly talk to half the people who used to tag the most hilarious stuff and made me laugh.

I remember I used to put songs that can't be paused so people who visit are forced to listen to its entirety ha ha ha. They'd then tag and ask me what the song is if they like or express their distaste. I clearly remember an instance where someone insisted on me changing it.

It was great fun. :)

I feel so ungrateful. I feel so alone.

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Roger Federer just surpassed Pete Sampras' record of 14 Grand Slams by defeating Andy Roddick at Wimbledon 2009! :D :D :D I can't believe I watched history being made in the most madly awesome way ever. The entire matched lasted for over 4 hours and 5 sets and Roddick's serve is the ultimate. I really hope that Roddick will win one day though because he deserves to. He's good enough to.

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There was an article in the paper today about how technology keeps people away from each other despite being connected and I wholeheartedly agree with it. Even though we're connected we're never together; we're never with each other. You're alone, I'm alone and we are all alone unless we do something.

It's so ironic how people deem not using technology a means as to shut the world out. In my opinion using technology pretty much achieves the same thing.

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Sometimes I see people being loved and are constantly shown that and wonder why I don't have that. They have family and friends who make effort to surprise them; to please them; to make them happy.

Sometimes I feel myself falling apart and I have to struggle to hold myself together yet no one seems to see it. I must be a brilliant actress.

Sometimes all I want to do is let go. I'm not all smiles nor jokes nor laughter, at least not always.

I know you tried. I hope you tried. I'm sorry if I seem greedy and unsatisfied but that's how I am. You know this. I know you won't read this.

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I remember playing Truth once and when the bottle landed on me, Y commented that I'm probably the most boring person ever to ask questions about because I don't have secrets. I don't hide things. That's so wrong. It's just easier to pretend that I don't have secrets nor hide things. It's always easier to pretend. It's easy to plaster a smile and radiate joy because no one will ask questions. It always will be. I realise that I want to remain unquestioned and I'd achieved that, yet at times I wonder who's the one who'd be able to see through and if anyone could ever will.

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Today Mummy told me to learn driving after my birthday. I don't know if she meant it or not, could I be finally getting something that I want?

Saturday morning we fixed lightbulbs again at this block near college and Cat and I made a bunch of new friends! They are actually juniors, and I had fun even though we're the slowest group ha ha ha.

After that I rushed home to get ready to watch X-men Origins: Wolverine, which luckily was still showing. I was super late though and missed the beginning. :( Then we shopped a little before eating and headed off to Singapore Conference Hall for the TJCO concert to support Fel and Yw! :) I thought they were better than last year but some parts of the repertoire were quite boring.




All in all it was an amazing day!

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The parents wanted to have lunch together on Sunday so we went to Suntec City, which I swear is their favourite haunt. I remember when Mummy used to work on Saturdays, Pa would drive all of us to meet her at Suntec City for lunch. The brother and I had many balls of a time stepping on the coloured squares of the tiled floors hee hee.

I'm also very happy because I finally bought bras! :D

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I realised I feel really awesome once I step out of college. I only have a life when the school week ends and I can do whatever I want on the weekends, except this Saturday morning because of the ridiculous NAPFA. I see no aim in that whatsoever but to somehow gauge the boys on their physical fitness for National Service, so why do the girls need to take the test too? They should just offer the test to people who actually want to take it.

Despite all my complaining I'll still have to do the NAPFA. D:

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Db and I were texting and this is one of the most quote-worthy texts I've ever seen!

"All boring people have the uncanny ability of also being ugly." - Db

Friday I met with the BFFLs and we had an awesome time together, as always. :D



On Saturday we went to replace and install lightbulbs for the needy people who live in subsidised one-room flats at Aljunied. In my opinion this is more meaningful than visiting an old folks' home, because I feel that the poor needs those lightbulbs more than the old folks need our visits.

I feel kind of nerdy saying this, but I prefer studying to attending timetabled lessons. Schedules are so passé, we should be allowed the flexibility of choosing our own timetable instead of having to conform to one which we have no say in whatsoever. Nobody likes waking up when it is still dark out too, it's unnatural.

I feel kind of conflicted now because while a part of me is positively elated that the MCT are ending, the other is protesting fervently at the notion of lessons as usual next week. :( Also, PE should be abolished.

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I want a pretty laptop sleeve! I also desperately want proper earphones. If only my birthday is sooner so I can either buy it for myself, or have people buy them for me hee hee. :)

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I have a sizzling hot date with my notes now, yay.

There is this distinct disconnection between TJC and I which has become more painfully apparent every day. I don't feel attached to nor support its beliefs, its ethos; much less its tutors, save for a select few. I am not condemning the college in any way of course, it's just that we aren't suitable for each other. Somehow, I actually look forward to the A's so I can graduate as soon as possible. D: I have never felt excited or inspired enough before to wake up in the morning to attend college. I knew a year ago when I attended the open house that this was totally the wrong college for me yet I put it down as my second choice. D: Perhaps I would be better off in a Polytechnic instead, I don't know. Also, I cringe at making another wrong and regrettable choice when I choose my University in the near future. :(

In a way, I guess TJC isn't similar to AHS at all. It took me a year to see this, and I would rather go back to AHS any day. I used to think that I had some horrible teachers in AHS, but now it is evident that TJC clearly wins in this aspect. Sometimes I think some tutors in TJC shouldn't even be so, especially when they are hopeless in educating. Out of all the tutors I have had so far, I only like three of them truly.

Looking back now, I realised that we were indeed quite happy in AHS, as what F said. :( I only feel happy in TJC now during breaks, lunch, or when I'm with the coolbeans 28 girls.

I don't see how I'm going to survive Literature for the rest of the year. I like the subject, but I dislike the tutors. Even Physics is better now because Mister K teaches well and is cute in his own way. I thought I would like Miss N because she seems fun and popular amongst the students, but surprisingly, I find her slightly revolting. I am not alone with this opinion okay, there are actually people who share my views hee hee, much less in the same class as I am!

I'm such a horrible student. D:

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I stole this from Dodo! It's so cute that I want my own geek too. :(

Yesterday's Chingay rehearsal was a bitch! D: I was hot, perspiring and pissed by 9PM and we're all aching to go home, so we skipped the last practice. Regardless of all this, the actual Chingay should be more fun! :) Basically we'd be following the Tote Board's float as the Heart Contingent; that means walking a whole 1.2KM. There better be tons of handsome boys for me to look at.

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"O ho! O ho! Would't had been done!
Thou didst prevent me. I had peopled else
This isle with Calibans!"
- Caliban, The Tempest, I.ii.351-352

I think this is the most disgusting speech in the entire play. At least, until where I've stopped reading.

Earlier on C texted me about a problem he's facing and how unhappy he is right now. Even though he doesn't expect me to solve this problem I'm just really grateful that he chose to confide in me because I was really quite worried about him.

Today I woke up to Pa and the brother clearing this huge-ass display cabinet in my room which consists mostly of rubbish. One down, four more to go! I still have some more shelves, containers and 2 desks to clear and pack so that they can be moved out in order to paint my room! :D Isn't it apt to repaint the room on New Year's Day? Or the third day, maybe.

I also lost my heart to the most beautiful laptop ever today. Please be mine. :(

Also, today may be my last day of yoga. Normally I should be rejoicing but I've actually stopped dreading yoga and anticipating them instead, so perhaps I should continue! If this goes on I may even run a marathon one day! :D This step to a supposed fit and healthy lifestyle makes my heart pound.

I can't believe 2008 is going to over in less than what, 26 hours? I don't think it was very fantastic so gosh, may 2009 be more exciting, fun and fruitful in more ways than one. Yay. :D

My grandmother passed away on Sunday night but the news only got to us in Korea Monday morning. As we were in the mountains our guide said it is not possible to get to Seoul in order to fly back to Malaysia that day. He made several calls for us and found out that the flights on Monday were all fully booked, so we had to settle for an evening/night flight on Tuesday.

The feeling of being stranded and not being able to fly out instantly is very helpless and saddening. By the time we arrived in Malaysia we have already missed two important days and Ah Ma was already laid in the coffin.

It is disgusting that the last time I saw Ah Ma was so long ago that I don't even remember when.

I was very emotional yesterday so I deleted that entry as although it does acutely express what I was feeling, it is still awkward to see what I had typed when I'm feeling more rational now. I don't feel like answering any questions too because they weren't posed by the people whom I wanted to ask. After waking up from a 14-hour sleep I realise that I do gossip a lot and spread rumours so I shouldn't be upset that people form impressions of me based on that.

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On a brighter note, Sophian made me an officer in his Facebook group (pro-Massa, anti-Hamilton-and-Glock)! My title is "Girl with the most passion for F1". I feel so honoured! :)

Today was an absolute waste of time! I wouldn't have gone to college at all if not for the submission of the Written Report.

Seriously, Project Work brings out the worst in everyone I feel, and I know my group is actually pretty awesome compared to other groups in my class. I mean, you don't want the stupid-bitch-who-does-minimal-work-but-thinks-she-contributes-a-lot, or the-leader-who-delegates-tasks-but-edits-your-work-so-much-that-she-might-as-well-have-done-it-herself, or the-ultimate-indifferent-and-lazy-dolt-who-really-doesn't-give-a-damn-about-Project-Work in your groups do you not? This sounds like I'm the pot, but while I know I didn't contribute my fair share at least I don't pretend to have done more than I did nor fail to complete my assigned parts. I think.

Mister Chan is the best; he cancelled double Physics yesterday so we could finish up our WRs! :) After lunch we went to Yw's tuition place to finish up the WR till around 10, before continuing at home till after 2! Needless to say I was sleepy and irritated this morning. In fact, I was so disorientated that I dropped my ez-link card on the bus to college and only realised after I've alighted. :( Thank goodness, a kind and amazing stranger (I have no idea who) found my card and either gave it to the driver, or the lost-and-found office at Bedok interchange! :D So whoever you are, thanks a million. :)

Well that's probably the most exciting thing that happened to me this week. Oh, and yesterday my group decided impromptu to rehearse our presentation when we were supposed to do so today! At least we didn't do so bad. D:

THE HOLIDAYS ARE BECKONING! :D I probably have to do a million ten-year-series exercises to improve but besides that point and the inordinate load of holiday homework, this means no college for 2 months. I can't wait! Suddenly a whole new realm seems to have opened up to me; one that does not require a fugly green uniform donned everyday. Things are looking up.

Today I had a 3-hour bitching/chitchat/girl talk over sushi with Faus and Cat. It was really good. :)

It's amazing how I can laugh and chatter and seem to be on a permanent sugar high all day but I still feel so empty inside. It's a huge ball of swirling emotions that combust into nothingness once I'm in solitude.

Where are the lyrics to happiness?

Today I woke up and I can't freaking move because my whole body is aching. Of course it's my fault, I'm the one who doesn't exercise.

Today is also the day when I have 8 periods straight, with only a half hour break between first and second. So because I was dying halfway, I decided to skip a lecture, but the bloody teacher found out. Of course it's my fault, I'm the one who didn't turn up for the lecture.

I also failed Math today. Technically it was last Friday, but whatever. Of course it's my fault, I didn't study.

Today I also realised that I feel disconnected from many people. It's a gradual but poisonous process.

I'm happy to realise that I'm not suffering from any jet-lag (yes, Japan's only an hour later than Singapore) but I'm actually feeling rather fatigued. Nevertheless, I woke up early today to chat with Bro. One of the first things he said to me yesterday when we met at the airport was that he noticed that my fingernails are brown, and even though that was totally random and out of nowhere, I felt content that he noticed something so minor about me. :)

Japan was absolutely wonderful and fun (ignoring how we sat our butts off on the coach) despite that I was sans communication because of the lack of a working cellphone. On the day of departure the 28 girls and other people texted to say goodbye and I was really happy because I was remembered. It's the same whilst being in Japan; how Dodo sent e-mails everyday (there was also one from Mj) just to keep the communication going on. It's quite lovely actually, to know that someone actually thinks of you everyday even though you're somewhere far away and all.

To be honest, it was quite uncomfortable for me to be sans cellphone but I guess I managed to cope after all. Also it's sort of nice to be almost uncontactable because part of the reason why I chose to go overseas is escapism. As we all know escapism doesn't last forever unless it's death, and I really dreaded boarding the plane back. :(

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The UK girls would be meeting on the 16th and I can't wait already! :D I haven't seen most of them in forever and this would be a good chance to catch up and reminisce about UK, et cetera. In a way Japan was sort of a reminder of UK, just with drastically different factors. The company, the teachers, the place, and it goes on.

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And yes, I haven't start studying. Somehow I feel that I don't really prioritise academics like a student should; I merely treat it as a routine. Something necessary and just done because it should and has to be done.

Anyway, I'd most probably fail the JCTs horribly unless a miracle happens. I'll try to believe in it.

Lately I've been skipping KI lessons and the teachers finally noticed it. Mr. Thompson asked if I was considering dropping KI, and to be painfully honest, I did weigh that option.

The thing is I really wanted to take KI since I've heard of it because, well, it's different. It's also supposedly more challenging than GP and more stimulating to the mind, et cetera et cetera. Don't get me wrong, I still like the subject and am still immensely interested in it but the lessons in TJC are just so boring! :( I actually attended some GP lessons when I could and there were in fact more interesting than the KI lessons. I think the teachers play a huge role in this. :\

I've been hanging out at Starbucks with the class girls and it's really relaxing. Somehow college takes such a toll on me even though I don't really have that many lessons despite the long hours. The holidays need to come now!

Chatted with Xinzi today and it was quite fun! :D Stirred up many memories of Secondary 2 and she even lent me her pretty red jacket because the KI room was freezing cold as usual.

OKAY RIGHT NOW I NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH ME PHYSICS AND MATH DESPERATELY IF NOT I WILL TOTALLY FAIL MY MIDYEARS AND THAT WILL SIMPLY NOT DO!

I believe that everyone of us are entitled to make our own choices, regarding situations that we can control. In this case, there's no such thing as "no choice". The only differences in the different choices made are the circumstances which the choice is made under, but ultimately, it is still a choice made by you.

Let's say you have lessons until 5PM, but there's a movie that you want to catch desperately which only available timing is at 3PM. You cannot say that there's "no choice", that you cannot catch the movie because of lessons. The thing is, you have a choice of skipping lessons, but you chose to forfeit that. Instead, you made the choice of staying for lessons and missing the movie.

Hence, by saying that you have "no choice" to not do X because of Y, it simply means that you chose Y over X.