Why I Can't Make Mom Friends

Being an introvert makes it hard enough to make friends.  Be an infertile introvert makes it nearly impossible to make mom friends.  There's a part of me that doesn't want to make mom friends. The infertile in me screams, "Why should your status as a mother define the kinds of friends you make?"  She's not off the mark, but the fact of the matter is, Chipmunk needs me to have mom friends.  She needs me to make friends with moms who have kids her age.  I need to be able to talk to another woman who is going through the same stuff I am right now with her toddler.  Since it took me so damned long to have kids, most of my friends have kids in elementary school.  I need to diversify my village.

Yet, the infertile makes diversification a continued challenge.  J and I took the day off work today to have family time.  The place was full of stay at home moms in their best Lululemon, with pods of strollers that looked like a convention of high school mean girls turned 20-somethings.  J was the only dude in the place and we were the only set of parents.  We are so dang thankful for our family time and we can't get enough of it, so we do crazy things like take time off of work to take our kid to a children's museum.  Anywho, Chipmunk was having a hard time warming up what with all the kids running around trying to take things out of her hands while their moms played on their phones.  So we found this little room that was just for toddlers and settled in there for a bit.  There were two Lululemon Ladies and their kids already in there playing, but it was much quieter than in the general play area. While we were trying to field the oldest of their broods taking things from Chipmunk's hands, we overheard the following gems:

LL1:  "So do you have a birth spacing plan?"
LL2: "Well my sister and I were 2 years and 10 months apart.  So when he is 2 I will get pregnant again because I think that's an optimal spacing."
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LL1: "I just feel like no one respected my birth plan.  I had to wait 10 minutes see her and just didn't feel like we got enough bonding time at that optimal period, ya know?"
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LL2: "And my next one will be a sweet little girl that I can cuddle with."
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LL2: "It's just too much to be a mom full time.  I mean, I can't even paint anymore."

I was trying not to be judgey, really I was.  I know every woman's experience is her own, but there was no way I could have had any sort of a conversation with these women.  Everything I heard was so contrary to my experience of motherhood that I couldn't see myself commiserating with them, which was obviously what they were doing with each other.  They used the term "birth spacing plan" like it was an actual thing.  A thing that I evidently have no concept of.  Birth plan?  Hilarious.  I still can't tell Chipmunk's birth story without crying.  I hallucinated through parts of her delivery, vomited multiple times, feared for her life, and didn't hold her for a couple of hours. I wouldn't even be able to tell this woman my experience because I would be thinking about all the women I know who had babies in the NICU or didn't get to take babies home ever.  Hoping for a girl?  Don't get me started.  And I would gladly give up my hobbies to stay at home and be a mom full time.  Hell, I gave up my hobbies to work full time and be a mom.  Fuck painting!  And I STILL think my life is awesome!

I took solace in the moment when Chipmunk gave them one of her world famous, soul searching stares.  She has this way of looking right into the center of your being.  It's a little unsettling and I love it.  She was staring them down, pulled her pacifier out and held it in her little hand for effect, and they told me how "wise" she looked.  I'd like to think she was trying to wise them up telepathically.

I didn't say anything to J in the moment, but I knew I wasn't off the mark when we walked out of the room and J muttered to me, "I don't think we'll ever be able to be friends with normal people."  I said, "Let's not say 'normal people.'  How about 'Fertiles?'"

We settled on Birthers. Liberal backhanding at its finest.

#MicroBlogMondays: Here We Are!

 

As soon as this contest is over, all of this identifiable stuff is going POOF! But for now, I will continue to whore out myself and my family for votes.  We made the local news!  I hope we did you all justice.

**POOF** Link deleted for privacy.

Trickle Down Negativity

We had our first negative comment.

A good friend has been sharing the posts in our facebook group.  She herself has PCOS and her daughter is hard won.  She was actually the first peer I had who dealt with infertility and her story started before I even met J. She was the one who got the comment on one of our posts that she shared on her page.  Something along the lines of infertility treatment being selfish and people should adopt because of all the babies in America that need parents.

She deleted it.  She's awesome.

Before we entered the video contest, we had a long talk about what we would do if we actually became finalists.  We knew we'd have to go public if we wanted to win.  We were okay with that.  What we didn't think about were the awesome friends who would start ti feel comfortable sharing their stories.  They have been amazing to watch.  Or the friends like this one who have been supporting us by voting and sharing, but haven't gone public, and have to have insensitive people post crap that hurts them.

Of course I reached out to her and of course she was awesome... and shared another post on her page today.  Friends like this one are rare.  I just hope no one else has to deal with any bologna.  Why do so many people think they get to make public statements giving their uneducated opinions on how people choose to live their lives?

We're going to be on the local news tonight, telling our story.  The piece will go on their web page, where they have a comment section.  I'm going to have to not read that.

I know I'm annoying with the vote begging, but please remember to vote for us every day.  We're the ones with the Asian dude, white chick, and adorable baby.  This kind of money can be life changing for our little one.  We realize we've been so blessed already, but we have to make the most of an opportunity like this!

#MicroblogMondays - Humbled

Our clinic called to get permission to post the contest details on their website. They told me that they knew the other finalists were from big clinics.  I really want to win this for our girl.  J and I were the first in both of our families to go to college, and as such we paid for it (and are still paying for it) on our own.  Giving Chipmunk the gift of some money to help her out?  It would be a dream come true.  So when I knew the other big clinics would be out getting votes for their patients I felt panicked.  I'm not a competitive person, but this is for our precious girl!  We made a Facebook group and our friends joined.  Everyone from my mom to my 3rd grade music teacher to the guy who calibrates our audiometers has been asking for votes, emailing their friends. Parents of kids I work with who have a lifetime of a hard row to hoe have been posting like crazy.  First we had all the love and prayers to bring her into this world, and now we have all of this support for a video contest of all things.  This girl is loved.  So loved.  And it's humbling.

CONTEST DETAILS!!! VOTE FOR US!!!

Dearest Blog friends,

We have exciting news and we need your help!  We have been selected as one of five finalists in a national video essay contest!  If we win, Chipmunk receives $10,000 in a 529 plan for college.  Obviously, we want to win. I mean, she can stack 3 blocks in a row.  She's obviously college material. Brilliance, truly.

We really hope that our story can give hope to others, but more importantly we hope to raise some awareness.  Making our movie felt a little "shiny happy people."  I know it may be painful for some people in the trenches, but we came out the other side and truly are shiny and happy.  Everything we went through really was worth it.  Even if we didn't get our Chipmunk, the lessons we learned on our journey are ones that we will carry for our whole lives.

Anyway, back to the details.

You can vote for us ONCE A DAY between 12 AM Eastern Time on November 2nd through 11:59 PM Eastern Time on November 16th by going to **POOF** Link deleted for privacy.  If you need help remembering to enter every day, you can make **POOF** Link deleted for privacy your browser’s homepage, or email me and I’d be happy to send you a reminder. We also have a Facebook group you can join at **POOF** Link deleted for privacy that will feature regular updates and reminders (for the two week voting period only - I promise).

You can also forward this information to others! I do ask that you send a link to the contest rather than a permalink to this page to those outside of the infertility community. I'm just wary of it falling into the wrong hands.  And I just put my last name on here, and a link to a video featuring my whole family.  That's a lot of personal info, but there's a chance that our story may bring some hope or awareness to others.  If that isn't enough motivation for you to vote, Chipmunk just celebrated her first birthday!  What an awesome birthday gift you could help us give her.

I plan to use the Facebook group to promote some little facts and tidbits about infertility along with voting reminders.  If you have facts, links, or tidbits you think we should include, please let me know in the comments!

Thank you for always supporting us on our journey.  We know our lives would look much different without your well wishes and prayers. Your insights and support were more valuable than we can even express.