A New Kind of "Unexplained"

When I have bad news to relay to a patient's family, I sit on it.  All day long it languishes on my "to-call" list until the last minute.  Apparently, REs do the same thing.

We wanted to avoid ICSI unless we really had to and there was no reason to believe we needed it.  I didn't like the increase in abnormalities (albeit very small) and if we could do one thing naturally in this process I wanted to do it.  So we had a semen profile where they went over J's sample with a fine toothed comb for any known issues that would result in a need for ICSI.  He passed with flying colors and we opted not to do ICSI.

All 26 eggs were mature, but only 5 fertilized.  He said there was no reason for it and just something that happens for some couples.  My eggs looked great and the sperm was perfect.  They were all still alive and kicking this morning, but for whatever reason, they just didn't fertilize.  The 5 embryos we do have looked good today, so we're still hopeful, but there probably won't be anything to freeze.  We're going to do a three day transfer on Sunday.

I asked if this was the reason for our infertility and he said that it most likely was.  He said that for that reason alone, having the answers, he thinks we made the right decision to not to ICSI.  I agree wholeheartedly.  And I know, we should be so happy to have 5.  Some people don't get that far, but I'm still in tears.

I spent years of heartbreak and soul searching to find my J.  I hate the feeling that no matter how much we love each other, our gametes don't really like each other much at all.

Yes, I Am That B@*%h

You all are about to find out some not so nice things about me.  J gave me permission to post this info because this blog is my outlet and I promised to blog all the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This is ugly and I'm not apologizing for it.

When J gave his first sample for an SA at the clinic, there was serious performance anxiety.  To the point that the doctor actually called us and said that there was "no way in hell" that we would get pregnant on our own.  Turns out J just couldn't do it in the office.  He was distracted by hearing the nurses outside the room and he's "just not that into himself" if you know what I mean.  So we collected a second sample at home and it was great.  Super sperm.  When we did our first IUI it was the weekend.  He armed himself with "entertainment" on his iPhone.  There was no one in the clinic that day.  The sample was smaller than that last time, but still, it was fantastic.

I was really nervous about this time.  I asked if he wanted to collect at home.  He said it would be fine.  I reminded him that this time would be a weekday and there would be loads of people in the clinic.  He said it would be fine.  I emailed him an article about things you can do to overcome "performance anxiety" when giving a sample in the clinic.  He didn't do them.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he needed to download a fresh set of "entertainment."  He didn't.  He said it would be fine.  I asked if he wanted me to go back there with him.  He was that would be worse than doing it alone and that it would be fine.

It was not fine.

After sitting in the waiting room for him for an hour (!) I was feeling like I wanted to climb the walls.  He told me it didn't go well.  The performance anxiety was an issue as expected.

Our post was count was 240,000.  Yes, the coma is in the right place.  Yes, there are only 4 zeros.  Volume was 1/2 ML.  We still did it.  I mean, what the hell else were we supposed to do?

Here's the ugly.  I'm feeling no sympathy.  I'm pissed.

We went from being told we could have triplets to being told there was a less than 1% chance of success this cycle in a span of 2 days.  I made 5 freakin follicles.  I've been shot, I've had hot flashes, I've had mood swings, I've been dehydrated, I've gained weight, I've cried, I've cramped, I've left rehearsal to shoot myself in the bathroom.  I feel like this was completely avoidable.  He knew it could be an issue and he knew how to prevent it.  I feel like he let his pride get in the way.  I feel completely let down.  I feel incredibly disappointed.  I feel like my faith in him has been shaken.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way because it would be hard to be in his situation.  But I also know that we do not have an MFI issue and he created one for us yesterday.  And when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I would have been able to do it if I were in his situation.  Because I am a planner.  I see what the road blocks are and I make a plan B.  He took the risk of not following a plan B and he lost.  That was not the place to take a risk.

So I'm pissed.  And I know that's a dirty way to feel, but I want off of the effing train and I feel like J leaned against the door and blocked my exit.  I know I need to get over it.  So call me all the names you want, but I'm still pissed.

Basted

The deed has been done!

Our clinic was good enough to open today for us and two other couples who were ready for an IUI.  Dr. Texas from my HSG was the one performing the procedure today which was nice.  I like him.

We were really anxious and I was feeling crampy, which I guess is a good thing.  I wore my good socks.  I always wear good socks for anything involving stirrups.  God forbid I hike my dogs up there and one half painted "it's winter and she's given up" toenail pops out in protest.

We were the first to go (which makes us the first procedure of the new year, which is kind of awesome).  Husband went back to the "room of no happiness or joy."  He would like to make his own room for such procedures.  It will feature a mirror ball, stripper pole, and couch that is not glued to the wall.  Anywho, he did an excellent job.  84% motility and a post wash count of 61 million.  Yeah, not his issue apparently.

When we went back to do the deed, he matched my bracelet to the sticker on the sample and all that.  It was one of those moments I was thankful that I changed my name.  Names match, this vial goes with this vagina.  No offense to the two dudes in the waiting room, but I did not want to have a baby with them.  Ours will be the half Asian one, thank you very much.

It went off without a hitch.  I was nervous after reading over at The Cornfed Feminist.  It was quick and easy, he held my hand the whole time, and then we hung out for 15 minutes and tried to make small talk. Then we went to Moe's for some Close Talkers.  Yum.  I wish I had some romantic story to give, but there really isn't one to be had.  The whole thing is odd.  It just is what it is.

I'm glad it fell on a holiday.  We have the whole day to hang out together, which is really nice.  I feel like we did everything we could and I responded well... it's out of our hands now.  I have 18 days (!) on the prometrium suppositories (which I am so not excited about) before we are supposed to test.  Husband put a countdown on his phone and said I'm not allowed to test before then.

The instruction sheet informs us that "many of the symptoms of PMS mimic pregnancy, so please be cautious about any symptoms you may experience."  I'm wondering if they've ever actually known woman with infertility.  Hmmmm.

Mr. Right is SO alright!

When we had our first SA things didn't go so well... let's just say a do over was necessary.  The do over has been done and the results are in.  My man is a serious stud.  He has an all clear on the fertility front.  I'm so relieved.  I didn't want this to be a "male factor" issue.  I know Mr. Right and I don't want him to carry that around.  So we are happy as pigs in slop tonight.  It's been a good day!

Onward and upward!