Dear Chipmunk

We send our daughter emails on a regular basis.  We'll let her know about the account and her password when she turns 18.  Today, I sent her the email below, and wanted to share it with you.

Dear Chipmunk,

I'm assuming that 15 years from now we'll be looking back on this week as a trying time for America.  It certainly is right now.  I woke up Wednesday morning feeling like the rug had been ripped form underneath me.  My liberal naive self always thought that most people were inherently good and strove to be good on the outside.  Maybe they didn't have enough education, or enough life experience to really key in to empathy, but they wanted to be good.  I don't know that I believe that today.  Donald Trump won the election.  A man who has said and done horrible things.  He has avowed misogyny, xenophobia, racism, and hate.  He has swindled small businesses from their well being simply by being a dick.  The American people condoned those behaviors on Tuesday by electing him president.  My heart is sick over it.

Here's the rub. You are biracial.  I am not.  Your dad is a minority.  I am not.  I may be a woman, but I still have privilege and it's my job to use it.  At mass this week, Father Steve told us not to be chicken little.  We all have work to do, and he's right.  My job is to set an example for you and teach you to be a good person.  I will stand up for you, your dad, and others whenever I can.  I'm not entirely sure what that looks like right now, but I hope that by the time you are reading this you can tell me I'm doing a good job.  I'm not going to lie, I'm scared.  I'm an introvert and I hate confrontation.  It makes for an interesting combo.

On Tuesday morning, election day, you and I sent out an optimistic tweet. It's gotten over a thousand likes and hundreds of retweets (which is more than my neglected little twitter account has ever seen). People were inspired by your shirt and your smile.  Remember this, my girl.  You CAN be anything you want to be.  If that glass ceiling hasn't shattered by the time you're 18, shame on us, but that means your generation has work to do too.  Something tells me there will always be work to do.

We are a family that believes in social justice, Chipmunk. We need to call out hate wherever we see it.  Complacency is not okay.  I've done too much of that, and it's wrong. I will do better and so will you.

All Systems Go

We are a go for transfer on the 23rd.  They wanted 7mm.  I was 7.1.  There's still mucus in there, but they're letting me go.  SO GLAD!  

Quick funny story.  My hair has been curly since Chipmunk was born.  I decided to chop all of my hair off and rock it.  I'm having a good time.  I walked into the clinic today (without tripping)  and the receptionist said, "I love your hair!"  Phlebotomist said, "I love your hair!"  I'm in the stirrups.  Doc comes in and says, "Sorry I took me so long to get you.  We have another Lisa HapaHopes and she's a patient of Dr. Awesome's too.  I thought she was coming so I was confused.  They are so cool.  They won this video contest and got a scholarship for their daughter.  It was from Ferring and..."  I said, "Dr. M, that's me.  I just got a hair cut."  He laughed so loudly.  I'm pretty sure I signed all of my HIPAA rights away with that video about a billion times over.  I'm just glad they think we're cool.

Catchin' Up

Oh I owe you all such a huge amount of info and I'm so so sorry.

First of all, we won the video contest.  Not only did we win, we blew the other contestants out of the water.  We had over 2700 votes.  As much as I'd like to think that it was all our Facebook campaign, grandma's warriors, and half of South Korea who made that happen, I know that my blog friends were out there voting en masse and we are truly grateful.  I can tell all of you that this experience was so moving.  People came out of the woodwork to tell me about their experiences with infertility - people who I had no idea had struggles.  The most awesome thing, though, were the people who told me that they had a cousin/sister/friend who was having trouble conceiving and instead of telling that person to relax/stand on their head/adopt/have more sex they encouraged them to see a physician.  I think we all know how much a little acknowledgement can go a long way.

On the life front, I've been busy busy with work.  We are also contemplating moving to a small rental house we own to try to save up a down payment for what we call our "grown-up house."  Yes we are in our mid-to-late 30s and we talk about our "grown-up-house."  This move would put us much closer to my office (we're talking an hour + commute down to about 10 minutes), but it would mean uprooting the Chipmunk from her awesome daycare, pediatrician, home, etc.  It's a big decision, but something I think we need to do.  We've been strapped with 2 underwater homes for almost 5 years and it's getting OLD!

On the Chipmunk front, she's as spunky as ever.  She thinks she can run, she loves to dance, music is her happy place, hugs are her bread and butter, and she's as darling as ever.  She weaned herself about two weeks after her first birthday.  She was down to about two nursing sessions a day at that point.  I had gone out of town for a couple of nights and J was giving her expressed milk during those nursing times.  The first night I came back, she nursed no problem.  The next night she pushed me away and hasn't asked since.  My body is still freaking out.  I have redness and acne like a 13 year old boy, my hair is a curly/wavy/straight nightmare, my weight is all over the place, I'm starving all the time for some reason, the bloating... OH THE BLOATING.  I'm having a hard time with body image right now, let me tell you.  So I thought I'd go home to my mom's for Christmas.  I'm sure many of you can relate to a mom that isn't all that supportive of body love when you aren't looking your best.  Dread ensues.

Happy holidays to you all and here's to a rockin' 2015!

My favorite shot from her one year photo shoot.  She was in full on tantrum mode.

Pride

At just shy of her first birthday, I have had my first true moment of pride for my little girl.  It wasn't her first steps or her first word.  It was a show of actual kindness from our wee little one.

Since she was tiny, we felt there was something special about her.  We thought there was a particular kindness about her and we thought that seeing that in a baby made us a little nuts. But then we started getting comments from her teachers in the infant room.  She would try to rock the smaller babies when they were crying.   In the toddler room, there have been some kids who are specifically set down to play with her when they are having a rough drop off, because their parents know she will help them calm down.  Today, our suspicions were confirmed.  This girl has a gentle, kind, compassionate soul, and we are not nuts.

A former infant classmate just moved up to her classroom.  He's having a rough go of it.  He was crying and crying and crying when Chipmunk came up and sat in front of him.  Her teachers told us that she stared at him intently as he continued to cry.  Then she grabbed his little face and smacked one of her big, fat, completely unhygienic open mouthed kisses on his cheek.  That quieted him down.  Then she just sat with him, forehead to forehead for a bit.  Apparently when she felt her deed was done, she got up and walked away, off to do something else.

I can't get enough of this sweet girl.  I just can't.

And on another note, I still don't have a date for the contest voting and it's making me NUTS!

Okay, Okay I'll Spill!

I wouldn't want Mel endlessly hitting refresh for days on end.

J and I entered the Heart to Heart video essay contest.  We thought our video was pretty neat, but some of last year's finalist videos looked pretty professionally done.  So we thought it would be great if it panned out, but if not - we still had a good time putting it together.  Over the weekend we received word that WE ARE PART OF THE TOP FIVE FINALISTS!!!!

We are so psyched.  I don't have all of the details yet, but the winner (and by winner I mean, your kid gets a $10,000 529 plan) is chosen by online votes.  You can vote once a day and I will need all y'all's help!!!!  The voting period will start some time in mid October and will run for two weeks.

I think things are about to get pretty un-anonymous around here.

I'm From The Lou and I'm Proud

Nelly anyone?

I grew up in North St. Louis County.  Over the last few days, I've been glued to the television as I watched the convenience store I often stopped at on my way back to campus be burned down.  I saw the profile of my high school boyfriend on the front line of a police barricade, visor down and shield in hand on CNN.  I've worried about friends who still live in the neighboring town we grew up in.  I've been dismayed by the evidence that a police officer in my home town could abuse his power to kill an unarmed young man as he ran away.  My chest has felt sad and empty as I've watched the unrest unfold in the place I used to call home.  I'm choosing to share my feelings here.

My Facebook feed has been full of thoughts and opinions.  Friends that still live there, on both sides of the racial divide, feel the racial tensions on a regular basis.  They all want answers about what happened to Michael Brown.  My black friends who still live there or grew up there share emotions that are all over the map.  Some are frustrated at the violence and are angry that people who are trashing the neighborhood haven't been proactive by voting their troubles away.  Others are afraid and want peace.  Some see it as strictly a race issue and have opened some wonderful and meaningful dialogues on their pages.  My black friends from childhood know what it's like to be a minority in a city where race relations are charged.  My white friends from the same cohort are likely naive beneficiaries of "white privilege," but need to be part of the dialogue.  One thing that neither of these groups has lived is a life of poverty.  

Yes, race is a big issue in the struggles going on in North St. Louis County right now, but so is poverty.  It's a layer that can't be ignored.  How can a community be empowered to to be represented in local government and tackle issues that affect them if they don't even have enough money for gas to get to the city council meeting? How can parents put a child's education as a priority when they need their 16 year old to help contribute to the family coffers, and the 10 year old to watch the other kids so they can work?   Imagine that if you are struggling to put food on the table.  Your priority is to shuffle the kids off to daycare, get to work, and bring home some money.  Are you going to ask for every Tuesday afternoon off work from your minimum wage job so you can take your kid to a tutor?  Probably not.  The risks are too high and the priority is to feed and clothe that child.  Similarly, are you going to take time off so you can go vote?  Run for office?  Volunteer in your community?  Join the PTA?  Nope.  Probably not something that even seems possible.  It's easy to sit in an ivory tower and say, "You just do it because it's important."  I don't think that middle class America, white or black, can truly fathom how poverty touches every aspect of daily function.

I can't pretend that I know what it's like to be black in America.  I am aware enough to know that it's an experience I can't comprehend, just like I can't truly comprehend what it's like to be poor.  I know that race relations are a huge part of this issue, but I wish I heard people talking about the poverty layer.  I'm not excusing any horrific actions a cop may have made, but I am wondering how we can expect people to advocate for themselves against something as powerful as a police force, when they don't have the right tools.  How can we be shocked and appalled when frustrated community members turn peaceful protests into violent riots if violence is the only tool they feel they have?

Enlightened or Clueless

Today, I'm trying to keep it together.  Probably about 70% of my patients are on Medicaid, which means I see more than my fair share of rough family situations, but this year has been extreme.  We've had two parents die in motorcycle accidents, numerous kids taken from homes due to parental drug use (the vast majority of these kids have been home when the raids occurred, we've learned), and today we had our second parent murdered.  This is just since 2013 began.  In both situations, the parent was murdered by the child's father and in both situations, the kid was in the house when it happened.  I wish I had some words of deep thought or wisdom in this sort of situation, but I'm still just reeling.  I haven't the slightest idea what to do for this kid, besides making sure the family has all the equipment needed for hearing since the house is a crime scene and they can't go in.  See, this is why I always find out about these situations as they are unfolding.  The kid is ripped from the home, usually from bed in the middle of the night or early morning, and they can't hear because they don't wear their processors while sleeping.  The house is locked up, and no one can effectively communicate with the kid to tell them what's going on, because the stuff that lets them hear is in the house.  We get a phone call asking for loaner equipment from a family member or foster parent.  It's all just too unfathomable to me and really weighing on me.  I just don't know how to help.  I feel so useless.

On another note, one of my coworkers sent around some stupid video.  Maybe you've seen it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0  Please note, if you not in a good place infertility wise, do NOT watch this video.  Just know that it's one of those, "motherhood is such a joy, cherish every moment, lalalalalala" movies.  First of all, I think I was supposed to feel privileged to have been let in on this email.  The note attached said something about being busy in motherhood, including those who have a little one on the way.  Since I was the only pregnant person in the cc list, I guess that was me.  Um, am I in the club?  I don't want to be in some weird exclusive club.  Everyone mothers and everyone could appreciate something from this movie... maybe.  It also hit me that there is only one person in my office with lady parts who is not a parent/expectant parent and that made it seem particularly shitty to me.  Anywho, so I watched the video, and maybe the exclusivity of begin let in on this wonderful video of wisdom made me a bit jaded while I was watching it, but good Lord what it an eye roller to me.

Yet again I was able to feel thankful for our infertility journey.  Being in the muck of it sucks so horribly badly, but I knew I was learning and still am learning so many valuable lessons.  I just couldn't help watching this and wondering how in the hell this woman and all of her adoring followers holding so intently on her every word, could have possibly gotten this far in life without learning the same lessons.  It took raising children for you to learn how little control you had over others?  You had to watch the kids grow up and leave the house before you figured out what a precious gift each little moment with them was?  I can guarantee you I will not take butterfly kisses, stubbed toes, broken hearts, bedtime stories, or dance recitals for granted.  I think a piece of me will even rejoice when my teenager gives me a big fat "I HATE YOU!"  So thank you, endometriosis, for helping me see so many gifts in life, and for helping to keep my blind stupidity about life to a dull roar.

Did I miss something in that video?  Maybe I missed something.  Please feel free to point it out if I did.  I could always learn some more life lessons.

Effing With My Zen

*Note 1: I find that when I vent/whine/crab here about something, it ends up being all for naught.  I hope that happens with this post too.

*Note 2: This post has nothing to do with my pelvic region, but I'm sure I'll find a way to tie it in somehow.  I don't think I can walk two steps without it having to do with my ute.

I'm what you would call a reluctant landlord. I bought a house in all of my "holy crap I'm turning 30" panic.  Then I of COURSE met a dude I wanted to marry.  We wanted to live in the same house.  We owed more on both houses than they were worth, because we both bought our respective houses at the same time - right before the bubble burst.  My house would make a good rental property and his was more underwater than mine.  Done deal.  Mine becomes a rental and we live in his.

It wasn't too big of a deal the first year or so.  We started to think this could be a long term thing.  Perhaps it would help pay tuition for a kid one day or it could be supplemental retirement income.  We were breaking even on it.  Our renter was paying and was a nice guy.  He wanted to renew his lease for 18 more months!  Things were good.

Then he started paying a little late.  All year.  Just late enough that we couldn't charge a late fee.  Then there was a girlfriend.  And a temporary cat that seems to have overstayed its welcome.  And this month, he hasn't paid rent.  We can file for eviction if he doesn't pay by end of business tomorrow and we intend to.

It's a crappy economy and shit happens, but we need to keep our heads above water too.  Two mortgages is no bueno.  All the work we are going to have to do to get the house rentable again is no bueno.  Having a vacancy in the winter is no bueno.  Going to court and actually evicting someone - for sure no bueno.  Doing all of this while undergoing our last round of IVF when I'm trying to be all stress free and zen (see brought it back around to the ute) SUCKS.

Watch us end up with a court date that falls on retrieval day.

Hear me now, universe!  I'm complaining about it on my blog!  Let there be a rent check tomorrow!

You Know You're Infertile When...

... you run out of refills on your prenatal vitamin prescription.

@*&#^!

We were supposed to be getting on a plane to go see my family in a couple of hours, but our flight has been cancelled.  There are no other available flights until Sunday afternoon.  I get 2.5 days with my family.  We've spent all day trying to find a way to get there sooner or stay later, but it's not going to happen (unless all of my Thursday patients happened to call and cancel today... which did not happen).

Most frustrating?  A dear friend from back home planned a lunch for us with friends from GRADE SCHOOL just to cheer us up and now we'll miss it.  I only see my grade school friends every couple of years.  They are amazing people and yes it is awesome that we are still in touch (we had a last minute, thrown together reunion a couple years ago and out of our class of 23, 22 showed up.  Heck, people from other classes came).  I'll still get to see my friend since she lives nearby and hopefully I can get together with the others for some late night shenanigans, but she planned it all as a surprise and we had to ruin it.

I'm so disappointed!  UNIVERSE!!!!  YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!  It's like you just said, "Well hello Hapa Hopes family!  What's that?  You had a shitty year and are really looking forward to friend and family time?  I can't let that happen!  I shall send in a giant snow storm to fuck with you!"  Bite me Universe!  2013 is the Year of Betterness and you can suck it!

Here's Me!

I'm participating in Stupid Stork's Video Challenge, so my movie is below.  I'm not sure how long I'll be brave enough to leave this bad boy up for!  It's entirely too long and I apologize for my wayward eyeballs.  Apparently I didn't know where to put them.

(Took it down, people!  Hiding my face from you.  Mwhaahaahaha)

Good Stuff

• One of our embies made it to re-freeze!!!  Yippee!!!
• I learned that I'm going to be teaching a course at the University I work at.  I'm super excited about this since I'd like to get more into the academic end of things.  The problem is that it's like school on crack.  You know the ages and ages of readings you had to study back in school?  Turns out that when you're the teacher you have to know them inside and out.  Oh the agony! But I'm still super excited!
• J and I are getting the hell out of dodge this week and are heading up to the mountains for some R&R and avoidance of pee sticks.  Fall in the Smokies?  Yes please!  So I will be MIA for a bit come Monday.  I will miss you ladies.
• My baby brother is getting married!  He is engaged to a very sweet girl and we are all very excited.  I was hoping my future SIL would become my new BFF, but alas, it's hard to be BFFs with a girl who is too young to remember life before microwaves.  Speaking of me being old, they aren't getting married until Spring of 2014.  I WILL BE 36 PEOPLE!!!

Let's Talk About CMV

Cytomegalovirus

Say that five times fast.

Pardon me while I get on a soap box for a moment.  If you're here from ICLW, please know that this isn't something I do often... or ever for that matter.  I'm just in a mood, I suppose.

We all know about taking our vitamins, staying away from the cat liter, and giving up sushi, but have you ever heard of CMV?  Congenital CMV is the most common congenital infection there is.  It affects more children than Spina Bifida, Downs Syndrome, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or Pediatric HIV.  Really.  And you've probably never heard of it.

CMV is a virus.  That's it.  It's really common and runs rampant in day cares and preschool classes everywhere and on its own is not a big deal.  You probably had it and didn't even know it.  Once you've had it, your body creates antibodies for it and you're generally good to go on the CMV front.  The problems happen when you haven't had CMV and you end up getting it for the first time when you're pregnant.  You can pass it on to your unborn child.  Many children born with congenital CMV have no ill effects.  Some seem fine at birth and develop symptoms several years later.  Some are very ill from birth and have significant developmental delays.

Congenital CMV is one of the leading causes of deafness, hence, I deal with it every day.  Kids with Congenital CMV can shed the virus until kindergarten.  Since I'm around these kids, and snotty noses in general, when we started trying to conceive, I asked my doctor for a titer to see if I'd had CMV in the past.*  I wanted to know for peace of mind, although I was sure I must have had it seeing as though I've been with kids who are shedding the virus for the last 10 years or so.  Surprisingly, I came up negative.  Never had it.  No antibodies to protect any precious fetus that may decide to hang around at some point.**

The good thing is that preventative measures are things we should all be doing, pregnant or not.  Washing your hands a lot is the top of the list!  You don't have to run out and get screened for CMV or start interrogating every kid with a snotty nose you see.  The CMV Action Network lists the following:

• Wash your hands often with soap and water for 15-20 seconds, especially after changing diapers, feeding a young child, wiping a young child's nose or drool, and handling children's toys
• Do not share food, drinks, or eating utensils used by young children
• Do not put a child's pacifier in your mouth
• Do not share a toothbrush with a young child
• Avoid contact with saliva when kissing a child
• Clean toys, countertops, and other surfaces that come into contact with children's urine or saliva

I don't mean for this post to frighten anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, but I wanted to post about it because CMV is something that people just don't know about and should.  Knowledge is power and just by being vigilant about good hygiene, you can take steps to protect yourself and your munchkin.

For more information, visit www.stopcmv.org

*When I asked her to test me, she said, "You know, if you do get it, it's not that big of a deal."  I know quite a few parents who would disagree strongly with that.  Doctors are pretty ill informed when it comes to CMV.  

** My mother is also CMV negative and she is almost 60 (she only knows this because she's an avid blood donor and they give her blood to babies).  We suspect that we may have some genetic protection from CMV, but I'm not taking any chances!

Tempting Fate

I'm down to my last few pads.  Just enough to get me through this "special time."  I'm not buying another pack.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, UNIVERSE?

Bootylicious

Last night, I caught a glimpse of my large, dimply hiney in the mirror as I was getting out of the shower. 

It was not pretty, friends.

All I could think of is how I bend over and bear it every night without a thought while my husband oh so carefully gives me my PIO shot.  He has never said, "Eww."  He has never said, "Lay off the Cheetos."  In fact, he makes sure to spend special attention giving the site a rub down so that I don't end up in pain.  The man is amazing.  If his butt looked like my butt, I don't know if I would be so kind.

So to all the partners who silently and carefully jam a 1.5 inch needle full of oil into our bloated, barren, beastly booties each night with nary a mention of a dimple, I salute you.  If you follow it up with a rump rub down, I salute you with two hands... unless I'm using one of them to shove food into my face in a progesterone induced binge.

Ladies, We Need To Have A Talk

I'm going to come out and say it. It's a controversial topic to be sure, but I need to speak out. It's in the interest of all the short women out there. We're tired of dealing with the quite literal crap thrown our way by the long legged of you out there. It's time to fight back.

Ladies, just sit the hell down on the toilet seat.

Those of us who are of the vertically challenged persuasian cannot hover or squat above a seat. See, when I sit down on most seats, including those attached to a public toilet, my feet don't touch the ground. Hence, there is no way that I can perch my bottom above the comode and have good aim at the same time. I need to sit. There is no choice. Since so many of you Too Tall Taras feel the need to keep your tushies in the hover position, those of us without the gift of height are faced with a dilemma. What to do with the pee you sprayed all over the seat while being so prim and propper. Do we wipe it off? No. Then we have your piss on our hands. Do we put TP down in an effort to block the offending moisture? Not unless sitting on mushy pee is more appealing. So we are forced to leave the stall, hope the next one over is better, and leave the pee cleanup to the poor sap behind us.

See ladies, toilet seats are really rather clean when you aren't peeing on them. They are cleaner than the air being blown out of the air dryer and all over your hands. They are probably cleaner than the mouse you used to click on this post. So please, for the love of all that it good and holy, just sit your ass down. A short girl will be forever grateful.

Does Target Have A Birthing Center?

I swear, every woman in Target is either about to give birth, or carrying an infant fresh from the womb. 

Maybe it's between the toy and infant aisles.  I don't go around there so I wouldn't know if there were a birthing center hidden there.  Target does have everything, after all.

Prometheus

If you didn't see this movie yet and you actually want to for some ungodly reason, you probably don't want to read this post.  Or maybe you do so that you can get a heads up.  Not only did the storyline defy logical human behavior on several occasions... we're on to the spoiler now... you've been warned...

...but what the hell was up with the infertility line thrown in there?  Did she really have to be infertile? The story could have worked without that crap.  Unless the screenwriters were a group of THOSE people.  You know the ones.  The people who think that infertile people are infertile for a reason and shouldn't try to procreate. 

After all, if the situation presents itself, an infertile woman could, in all probability, become impregnated with an alien baby.

So Do I Stick This On My Car or Not? A Poll.

My husband, being the darling thoughtful man that he is, bought me a present.  He has been so excited about this present and when it arrived in the mail today, he about peed himself.

Photo credit

I think it's funny, but I'm kind of worried about being rammed by some crazy soccer mom.  Do I stick it on my car or not?

Happy Loving Day!!!!

June 12th marks the anniversary of the US Supreme Court Decision of Loving vs Virginia.  "Why do I care about Loving vs Virginia?" you may ask.  Well, let me tell you.  Mildred and Richard Loving met, fell in love, and got married in 1958.  They were just a regular old couple, except that Mildred was Native American and African American, while Richard was white.  Interracial marriage was illegal in Virginia, as it was in most states at the time.  They pled guilty and avoided jail time by moving out of VA.  They moved to Washington DC and decided to start legal action.  The case ultimately ended in the Supreme Court in 1967.  The ruling made it illegal for states to ban interracial marriages.  Up until then, J and I would not have been able to be married in either our home state, or the states we we grew up in.  In many states, there were laws on the books that forbade people of different races from marrying each other.  Seems silly, right? 

If you haven't seen the documentary on HBO, I highly recommend it.  It's awesome.  You can also learn more about Loving Day here.  The Lovings were true heroes.  Their story offers lessons on how each of us can make a difference for generations if we continue to fight for what is right.
In honor of Loving Day, I'm going to center my posts this week on the ups and downs of a marriage between two people of different races and cultures.  Most of the time, we forget that I'm white and he's Asian.  It's usually a non issue.  Sometimes, it offers us a real opportunity for learning.  Other times, it's a unique challenge.

The Loving Family.  Mildred, Richard, and their three children Peggy, Donald, and Sidney