Fuck.

I am fucked. Beyond repair. Argh.

Funnel Traps and Starfall

It's like you're stuck against the wall with so little room to move. The world is closing in on you, and there's absolutely no fucking thing you can do.

And if you stay too close, you'd get hit harder. Waves crashing on your head, obliterating memory and hope and... stuff.

Donne for.

The Apparition
By John Donne

When by thy scorne, O murdresse, I am dead,
And that thou thinkst thee free
From all solicitation from mee,
Then shall my ghost come to thy bed,
And thee, fain'd vestall, in worse armes shall see;
Then thy sicke taper will begin to winke,
And he,whose thou art then, being tyr'd before,
Will, if thou stirre, or pinch to wake him, thinke
Thou call'st for more,
And in false sleepe will from thee shrinke,
And then poore Aspen wretch, neglected thou
Bath'd in a cold quicksilver swear wilt lye
A veryer ghost than I;
What I will say, I will not tell thee now,
Lest that preserve thee; and since my love is spent,
I'had rather thou shouldst painfully repent,
Than by my threatenings rest still innocent.

Fuck.

For once I'm really glad I have a blog.

Cause you can talk to it and pretend no one is looking. A blog doesn't talk back. It doesn't offer comments. Its silence isn't awkward, it is comforting. It helps alot when you really really want to cry out loud in frustration and confusion, you can just keep typing and typing and feel better, even though you know all that will come out of it is a wall of text that kills anyone that try to read it. Maybe the solidarity it offers (before you get tagged or read that is, I guess that's one disadvantage blogs have compared to diaries) is just what you need, maybe the solidarity is appreciated because company is painful, maybe company is painful not because it is unpleasant but it is exactly otherwise. Maybe I blog because there really is something inside of me that I cannot unload, and talking about being able to unload it helps me to unload it, isn't that a paradox? Or an oxymoron? What is the difference between those anyway? What IS the difference between emotions? What is the definite distinction of the state of mind between happy and sad, tired and hyper? What is it that makes me happy and sad I don't know how many god damned fucking times? What is it? Why? How, when what where? Why do I ask of an unanswering entity my questions in life, for it neither cares about me nor cares about itself? Is the fear of a response that great that it paralyzes me into being unable to do anything? Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. What the fuck. Am I. Even talking. About? I don't even know. I know that I know but I know that I don't know why I still think I don't know. Maybe my answers answer just one layer of my doubts and that maybe I'm still as confused underneath. Maybe everytime I answer a layer another layer is automatically created because my mind just wants to fuck around with me for no good reason other than that I want to. What is happening? I don't know, I think I know, I know that I don't want to know, and I don't know if you know. Maybe none of us knows and we just think that the others know but in fact they don't know and think that I know. Maybe we all know and nobody wants to say it. I'm confusing myself now. Which is just so fucking great because it's not like I'm not already confused, go on, befunddle me and have fun with me and screw with my mind because I'm me and the master of my own mind (HA what a fucking joke THAT is) and I can screw around with myself as much as I want to.

Invasive angst

Everyone is down. It is invasive angst.



Oh no, what shall we do about it?



Do we even know why?



If we did, would we admit it to ourselves?



Would we admit it to each other?



Oh no, invasive angst.



Get better, please.

Grow up real fast

I gotta grow up real fast.

Because my family needs another man now.

Ego Tripping

Shit I'm way too good at DotA.

Actually I'm just way too good

*hears applause*

Thank you thank you, you're far too kind.

This is for Leeqi

Because I have a huge crush on her.
Will you stead me?













































Just kidding.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

And may you have many more. ^^

Remember than you might be in Candana, but you were born here. Thus, we celebrate your birthday at Singapore time.

Be happy, live well, stay healthy, sleep early, study hard, play alot, play alot, play alot, and always remember that Kai is the most handsome man in the world.

happy birthday

Disc in flight

Has got to be the most beautiful thing ever. The rush, the exhilaration, the tumbling back to reality after you grasp the white disc and fall back to earth. Breathe quickened, heart pumping, a sharp pain twisting in your abdomen as you gasp for air.

Nothing matters. For a moment, only you and the disc are in this world.

For me, Ultimate is played from the heart.

You keep telling yourself it's alright, and not to be weird about it.

Btw, that was you, right yx? Cause no one else has access to my blog but you and Cheng, and I don't think he can be bothered.

Anyway, on to the main point.

Who're you fooling? There isn't anything special about you. Absolutely nothing. The best thing you can hope to be is ordinary and average, and be glad when you actually get that. Cause there's something wrong with you, just like that there's something wrong with everyone. Hide it, steal it out of others' sight. Mask it with confidence, bluster, and a little bit of rage and crudeness. Then, you might seem ordinary enough to be befriended and accepted.

You know the feeling when you're in someone's company, and you just keeping telling yourself to enjoy it for what it is, that it's alright, and not to be weird about it. You get that feeling when you're with someone you like but aren't really with, but desperately want to be. You tell yourself not to be weird. Have you ever noticed how that shit never works?

You know that tight feeling in your chest when you see her? Well, let me assure you, whether reciprocriated in any way, nothing will come of it. Because you and her are just lightyear apart. It isn't your fault (maybe I lie) and it isn't her fault, but just like how you know that Romeo and Juliet will never be together from the moment you start reading the play, you know that you and her, is just impossible.

You need to find out what you want from life, as long as it isn't her. Because, dude, listen to me, this just isn't the way to live your life, hungering after something that you will never have.

Stop. Please.

I LOVE GUANG YU

as above.

Infinite Sianness

Very stoned for the past few days. Dunno what is the problem. But the thing I know is that life before the promos had alot more purpose than life after. I mean, I'm not saying that it's easier, just... more purpose. I mean before the promos everyday I'm worrying about what will happen to me becaue I didn't revise at all. And playing DotA has was alot more fun: it's like the taste of forbidden fruit. Nowadays even though I'm slacking the days away it just doesn't feel as good. I guess that being able to play all the way doesn't actually make you feel good. There's a feeling of hollowness that just doesn't feel in right. I know I'm just talking nonsense and that this paragraph is just getting longer and longer with me saying some random rubbish, and while I'm typing I'm watching the frisbee guys playing Soul Calibre 4 using pretty (or not so) female characters to try to get each others' clothes off. Now they're trying to win each other in the most boring way possible.

Roflmao.

Okay I didn't even feel like laughing. Now we're making characters with really bad hair day.

Blah.

Wow. That character is like the number 1 guailaness please. Soooo Bad that it's Not Even Funny. And the voice is so high pitched. In huiwen's words... WHY DON'T YOU GO BE A BAT?

Lol. I'm feelign slightly better now. And the characters name... Well you won't ever guess. :D Anyway, that's all for today.